Easter Week

FRIDAY NIGHT:Well, I did it. I completed my first week at work. I worked overtime every day except today. I was told that they NEVER work overtime on Fridays. They may call for workers on Saturday and Sunday, but not extra on Friday. It was okay by me today. When 3:30 came around, I was ready to head for the door! And not just because I was tired….Ann, Travis, and Penelope were at our house for a visit!!!

It has been such a delightful evening. I found energy that I didn’t know I’d have. I’m sure I’m a typical grammy: everything she does is just adorable. I’ve been taking picture after picture. She figured out how to ride the little rocking horse. She was able to make the sit and spin spin!!!! My living room looks like a cyclone hit it and I don’t even care!!!

We’re going to an Easter egg hunt and an auction at the fairgrounds tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll find some more of the energy reserves. Another highlight for the weekend is that Beth doesn’t work on Sunday, so she and Nelson are going to attend the contemporary worship service at a nearby church on Easter. I can’t remember the last time she was willing to go to church.

Work was a little stressful. The last two days I’ve been giving regulators a bath test, looking for leaks: that can be repaired before we send them out, or that indicate they need to be junked. My team had worked a lot on these, but not everyone was as careful as necessary and consequently there were way to many that needed to be repaired.

Yesterday morning I started the day working on the Stud Press again. (Like on Wednesday) As I stood there, eyes glued to the slowly dropping press, I realized the absolute imperativeness to being present in the moment. I’ve not always been very good at this.

SATURDAY MORNING:Well, we just got back from breakfast at Denny’s. It was fun. In a little while we’re going to an Easter Egg hunt. That should be a blast. Great opportunity for lots of pictures.

(Back from the egg hunt)Well…that was interesting. They had two age groups: 0-5 and 5-12. Needless to say Penelope only picked up 5 eggs before the much faster moving 5yr olds had snatched everything away. Many of the parents were nabbing eggs for the little ones too. Oh well…it will be better next year.

After the hunt we went to Friendly’s for ice cream. Penelope mastered the art of drinking through a straw. Thanks to Grammy’s coaching! It was fun. I should have just ordered her a dish of whipped cream. She just loves the stuff. At breakfast she ate all the whipped cream off Annie’s hot chocolate and then had me spoon fed her the hot chocolate. At one point Annie tried to take it back and Penelope smacked her hand! Annie ordered herself another hot chocolate.

They’ve packed up and left for home. It’s quiet in the house now and all the toys are tucked away. I took lots of pics. I got a couple of her outside by my Pooh Easter yard signs. Her hair is so blonde and curly…she’s just adorable!

ABOUT THURSDAY NIGHT: I wanted to report about the Maundy Thursday service. It was a little awkward. The pastor recognized my face, but didn’t remember who I was. Transformation Network had been asked to read the scripture for the service because the offering that was being taken was being given to T-Net. The pastor asked why I was there and I said I was with T-Net. He assumed I was “working” with the ministry and while I am, it’s not the way he thought. Before I could straighten him out on that someone needed him somewhere else.

It was a nice service. During the service we sang the hymn “I Will Praise Him.” One phrase hit me hard and moved me to silence and tears: “My ambitions, plans, and wishes at my feet in ashes lay.” Words I could really relate to.

The pastor’s style really hindered my ability to hear what he was saying. He was so intense he was yelling. I wasn’t alone in my discomfort. One of the others from T-Net, a 50ish woman with considerable mental health issues, had to leave until he was done. She was able to return for communion, but was visibly shaken.

His loud delivery reminded me of a time when I took Annie to a revival service when she was about 4. The evangelist was very loud. She looked very puzzled and then asked me: Mommy, why is the preacher so angry? I clearly don’t miss being yelled at.

So, it was a mixed bag of things. But I definitely decided that being in a church building with many people truly didn’t make the experience feel more “spiritual” than my time with the small group at T-Net.

Well, I have some laundry to finish and beds to make. So I should probably pry my fingers from this keyboard for a bit.

Have a blessed Easter. Know hope, peace, and restoration. Alleluia!

Day Three Power

Wednesday. Hump day. Half way through the work week. It’s been a rough one. It’s been physically taxing and today was emotionally difficult as well. Yesterday I had some serious issues with one of the employees: the 21 year old. Taken separately they were troubling, but considering them all together, I had very little choice but to confront. And I don’t like to confront.

I wrote up my concerns and I requested back up. I asked Dan (director of T-Net) to be present. I wanted another set of ears there because I knew the 21 yr old had difficulty remembering things in their proper perspective, as they were said. I wanted to be able to deal with the distortions later…when the need arises.

Rather than face the issues the 21yr old used several different methods to deflect. She was defensive, claimed everything was an accident (as if accidents shouldn’t have consequences), blamed everyone else, pointed out the mistakes of others, and then finally just down emotionally blaming all the chaos in her life. Reality is that there is a ton of chaos in her life: she had a car accident on Friday, her 17yr old sister has cancer (and is undergoing some very serious treatments) thus making her parents pretty unavailable to her, her brother’s marriage is in the crapper and he’s trying to mooch off her, and then just the everyday stuff.

I felt myself getting sucked in to rescue her. I was able to maintain some internal distancing (aka healthy boundaries) while offering support. Afterward Dan admonished me to be careful. I heard him on a superficial level, but it wasn’t until later that his concern really grabbed my spirit. This is one of my weaknesses. So I thought it was very much like God to get through with his message.

I have a copy of “My Utmost for His Highest” in the bathroom. I figure it’s one place I visit on a daily basis so it’s also a good time to fill with good thoughts. Anyway, I grabbed it this morning during my pit stop. The message was one of not giving into rescuing or removing another person’s struggle from them. The struggle is a gift to them to make them dependent upon God. Then the last line: You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it (see Matthew 10:34 ). Wow! Now there’s something for me to meditate on today.

On a funner note…I was entrusted with power!!!! I started small with a heavy duty power stapler. (Insert Tim the Toolman noise here) Then I was trained on the stud press. Oh my. Big machine. Lots of power. Lots of sensors to keep you from smashing your hands or arms. That’s a little scary.

Another thing that felt really good today was that several of the factory employees included me in their jokes and conversations. This really seems to be a neat group of people.

So while I was working the stud press I was thinking. Good thing really. I’ve talked to several people about this career. The general response is one of not being able to handle the boredom or the repetition. I don’t mind it. In fact I enjoy it. I find the time refreshing. I don’t mind working alone. And while it’s noisy in the factory it has an odd sort of quiet feeling, too. Maybe that comes from the solitariness of the work. Whatever it is I like it. I like the opportunity to pray and praise.

(Finishing this up on Thursday morning)

Yesterday Dan asked if I wanted to go with him to a Maundy Thursday service. A local pastor had called Transformation Network to ask if some of the folks would come and represent T-Net and read scripture for the service. This church financially supports the ministry. Dan accepted the invite. He asked if I would be willing to read. My first response was to remind him that I wasn’t allowed in church. He assured me he had checked with probation and got it approved. I’m in! I haven’t been in a church service since August. This one should be interesting since I went to college with the pastor and know some people in the congregation. Hopefully God will smooth over some of the potential akwardness.

Well, this is droning on so I better post and get myself ready for work. Blessed day to one and all.

Wonderful Weariness

MONDAY PM:
I’m spent. I was up at 5:30am. I was surprised at how well I slept—especially since when I went to bed I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve.

I got to work a little early. Not too much of a surprise there. I spent from 7-8:30 setting up for the work that was going to be done by the T-Net team. We had to tear apart some regulators and other pieces due to a leak. This wasn’t our fault—the parts came to us defective. It was physically challenging getting the parts apart. I ended up using a vise and an allen wrench to get the part to dislodge.

Early in the day Ed (plant manager) asked if I would be interested in getting some overtime this week. I jumped on that! I will be working 10 hours M-Thurs and 8 hrs on Friday. It’s been a LONG time since I got overtime pay!!! I will be one tired pup come the weekend, but it will be worth it!

I came home and did dishes and have looked twice at the laundry basket. Nelson took me out for dinner to a Chinese buffet. The gesture and love was ten times better than the food—but I didn’t care. He’s just so sweet!

Well, I’m going to watch “24” and then I’m going to toddle off to bed. Oh darn (she said with her tongue deeply lodged in her cheek) Nelson decided to take a shower…guess I can’t do the laundry….(giggles right out loud). Take care!

Retreat Notes

Home again, home again, tra la la la.

We are home from the retreat. It was so good. The lodge we stayed in was in a valley surrounded by a beautiful hillside, two creeks, and several waterfalls. It rained most of yesterday afternoon so I didn’t get to go exploring. I chose health over hike…not that I wanted to necessarily, but it was truly the wisest thing to do.

Our prayer times were quite blessed and the music turned out to be quite a blessing to me. I played one song and then we switched over to using CD’s. I put a lot of work into preparing and normally that kind of switch would have been very discouraging to me, but this group really responds better to the CD. I think in part that is because easier to join the group singing on the recording, and while singing live our voices make a very small group and so they sing small. It will be something I can work on or just go with what works. But for this experience, it was nice to just sing and not worry about leading. I was truly able to worship more freely.

On Saturday late afternoon we took a couple hours for personal quiet time. This was when a lot of people went off exploring the campgrounds. I took some time to play my guitar, read, and write. Good stuff came out of that time as well as other discussions from the weekend…Like:

Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted myself. Just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.

Getting still is my job. And when I do I find contentment, satisfaction, connection, closeness, sustenance, protection, rest, security, and assurance. At least those are things I would imagine hat a breast fed child would receive. But getting still and quiet don’t come easily or naturally to me as an adult. I wasn’t taught to nurture this in myself.

Why would I not rush to quiet and stillness? Not valuing it. Not understanding it. Fear, and lack of trust that comes from never truly being based on God. Instead it is based on a foundation from earthly relationships. To combat that I need a transformation or reprogramming of my mind. As easily as I have accepted the lie—God, I need to help to stand as strongly for the truth about you.

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When I was actively leading music in churches one of the hymns I avoided using was “There Will Be Showers of Blessing.” My reasoning against the hymn was that it was horribly ungrateful. Even though there would be daily and multiple blessings falling around us in the form of mercy drops, we selfishly plead for showers of blessing. I didn’t like that.

One of the songs we sang this weekend was Michael W. Smith’s “Let it Rain.” In it MWS pleads, as do many of the biblical writers: open the floodgates of heaven. Would we even know what that would look like? Do we really want that? When I got to the point, I began to pray: Lord, help us not to complain when we get wet!

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At one point we were thinking about being silent. I was reminded of the scripture where Solomon admonished his readers (of Proverbs) to be slow to speak but quick to listen. I really felt checked here. I am so quick to jump quickly to words. Is that why God virtually shut my mouth? Had I forgotten how to listen?

I have recently described my passion for speaking and how heart-breaking it has been to lose that. I began praying that God would give me a passion for listening and the gift of hearing with the heart, for what is and isn’t said.

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During my quiet time I was reminded of my times of driving down the road and singing this week. Several of the songs were written in a style or pattern that really frustrated the people in church. It was so hard to teach them songs that had a rest on the first beat. I sometimes found it to be challenging when I was leading singing to remember that silent beat and I would talk to the accompanist about being sure that (s)he would hit that down beat strongly.

As I reflected further on that, I sensed how much dependence was an issue here. The question was: how will I (we) know when to come in? Trust is so key here. This drove me to pray about trusting God in those quiet moments.

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Later I’m going to write about my experience at the bank, but right now, I need to get to bed. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Nothing new is really going to happen tomorrow, except I’ll be going to work much earlier and possibly staying later. I know there’s much more. I’m just trying to talk myself out of my nerves. It’s not working very well.

Sweet dreams.

Out the Door

I’ll be heading out here soon for the prayer retreat with the worship group from T-Net. I have been asked to lead some music. I prepared some. I’m taking my guitar. But I honestly don’t know if I’ll have any voice.

Last night when I got home from work I was miserable. I could barely breathe. Everyone was either making fun of the way I was talking (nasally clogged to the nth degree tank you berry mutch). It was so bad that I broke down and took some Alka Seltzer Cold Medicine. That stuff about makes me gag. But by the time I wanted to sleep, I could breathe a little through my nose. I slept in a chair in the living room with my feet propped up on another chair. I wasn’t sure I’d sleep well or much, but it really worked well. I knew if I laid down I would just drown or cough myself to death.

This morning I’ve been pulling things together to take for the retreat. It looks ridiculous. We have to take our own bedding. We’re cooking our own food. And I have the music and my guitar. Then there’s the suitcase that Nelson and I are sharing, his breathing machine, and various odds and ends. I just stook amidst the collection and laughed. We’re only going to be gone until tomorrow around lunch time!

I received good news yesterday: my drug screen came back clean. (Giggles) Me. Who’s never smoked a cigarette let alone anything “illegal”. Me. Who’s only been drunk once and decided never to do that again…ever! Me. Who feels guilty if I take over the recommended dosage of Advil. Tho’ I must confess I’ve been downing a considerable amount of cough syrup lately…but trust me: I hate it! So anyay: I get to start work on Monday!

At work on Friday I received my thing to get me into the building. It’s like a fob thing that I swipe across a padd at the door to gain access. I have it on my key ring. I got my time card and then went through some initial orientation stuff. They’re talking about giving me my own office, a computer, and three different printers.

Well, it’s time to go. Have a great day and know I’ll be praying for you!

Big Smiles

I was going to come in here with some solid spiritual thoughts...aint gonna happen.

Annie called a little bit ago and informed us that there truly was a reason for her feeling nauseous recently. We're going to be grandparents again!!!! They are quite excited about this...and so are we.

Today Dan told the team that I've been hired on full-time at Reineke. No one had any problems with that. I spent time talking to the HR person, getting the paperwork started. Then I had to surrender some of my hair for a drug test. I would have rather kept my hair. I don't and have never done drugs, but I am losing my hair. No compromising on this one.

The insurance is pretty good. I'll be able to get perscription safety glasses and for practically nothing. The insurance kicks in after 90 days when I will also have my first review and be considered for pay increase. The uniforms are free. It's all sounding pretty good.

My cough is better. I've found some of my voice which is good since I need it for singing this weekend at the prayer retreat. Tomorrow is my last therapy session. I feel really good about that.

There are just some really big smiles coming from Ohio. Hope the light isn't too blinding.

Red Sea Rules

So the other day someone donated a box of books to the T-Net the other day. I couldn’t resist nosing through them. I found several that I was interested in and asked if I could borrow them. Permission granted. Oh, what joy…new books!

The book that really grabbed my attention was a thin work by Robert J. Morgan, entitled “The Red Sea Rules.” The pre-title is “10 God-Given Strategies For Difficult Times.” The post-title is “The Same God Who Led You In Will Lead You Out.” I was hooked and intrigued. The one thing I didn’t want to find was another trivialization of difficulty and of scripture. So far, I’ve been impressed…and blessed.

Basically the author is saying that the 10 rules (strategies) can be found in Exodus 14, the passage describing the children of Israel facing the Red Sea as they were leaving Egypt.

He begins by supporting the thought that God works in ways that we cannot see and that He always will make a way of escape for His “weary, but waiting, children.”

“I [the Lord] will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isa. 43:19, KJV)

“When you pray, keep alert and be thankful. Be sure to pray that God will make a way.” (Col. 4:2-3, CEV)

“The Lord will utterly…make a way to cross on foot.” (Isa. 11:15, NRSV)

“You can trust God. He will not let you be tested more than you can stand. But when you are tested, He will also make a way out so that you can bear it.” (1Cor. 10:13, Beck)

The first rule is: Realize that God means for you to be where you are.

The first chapters discuss difficulties that we face, including things like illnesses, financial reversals, disasters--things that happen to us, not because of anything that we have necessarily done. Great. I thought to myself. And then I quickly followed that up with, but what about me?

Then as I was reading in the quiet, sunshine this morning I stumbled into his chapter: What If It’s My Fault? I fell into the pages like Alice tumbling into the looking glass. Morgan made these points:
-(He spends a paragraph discussing confession and repentance and then he says) He (God) weaves everything together to advance His purposes.
-He then moves on to discuss self-forgiveness--always easier said than done. Here’s the quote: “Self-forgiveness comes when we realize that if God has forgiven us, we needn’t remain angry with ourselves, needn’t hate ourselves any longer. God will use it all for good.” (p. 15)
-Quoting Sidlow Baxter: There is a compassionate adaptability about God’s will for us,. Because we have not been in God’s special will for us from the beginning, there is no reason why we should not get into it now. He can take up from where we get right.”

Even if we end up at the Red Sea because of something foolish we have done: He can still make a way!

I’m ready for Rule #2…I think.

Sunday Blessings

Shhhhhh. Don't tell, but I slept last night. Really slept. I know I woke up a couple time as I stiffly rolled over. But I didn't cough myself awake. I don't think I coughed at all, not once. I had no drainage that left me feeling like I was drowning either. And I slept until nearly 6am. That's after going to bed shortly after 10pm. Wow.

Nelson bought a store brand cough syrup. It has a decongestant in it. The down side is that while I slept really well...I have no voice. Antihistimes do that to me. I avoid taking them as long as I can, but then when the cough gets intolerable (due to the drainage and the bronchial gunk) I surrender. I have surrendered. I'd rather not cough. A really bad coughing fit can send me straight to the bathroom or worse...to my closet for clean clothes and undies. Sigh.

So I'm not sure about the music for worship today. I can play the guitar fine. I guess I'll start each song and then let them sing. That should work. I picked some really familiar songs. Afterwards we'll meet up with Nelson's boss and another couple for lunch. We going to Golden Corral today.

After lunch I'm heading to Ann's. Penelope is still not feeling well. So it's Grammy to the rescue! There's no work for us at the factory tomorrow so I'll watch Penelope so Annie can go to work. Nelson will going over later in the week to go with Annie and Penelope to an Orthopedic appointment. Have I mentioned that there has been concern since Penelope started walking about the bowing of her legs? Well, let me mention it now: her legs bow considerably. Annie asked about it when she had Penelope at the doctor last week. He expressed concern and immediately made an appointment--for this week. Annie is quite happy to have her Daddy with her for the appointment.

I had a special blessing yesterday afternoon. Beth was getting ready to head back to work and she noticed that someone had pulled into the drive/ally behind her truck and was parking. I went to the door and found that our visitors were our former pastors (married couple) from our church in Springfield (the last church we were at before moving here). Jeff and Joyce had been at a conference meeting nearby and decided to stop in before driving home. We had a lovely visit. Nelson wasn't feeling well and was taking a nap so he missed it. It was good to share news and blessings. And get real hugs. That right there probably fed my soul more than anything! Wow!

Well, it's time to start waking people up and getting ready for worship (physically, the spiritual has already been worked on!)

Blessings.

Passing the Book Stick

1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?
I think I would like to be a copy of Fahrenheit 451. That way if I was found on a midnight run for my destruction, perhaps I would pique someone’s curiosity and maybe same myself from the fire.

2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Yes, Laurie of Little Women. I think when I was little I dreamt of finding a man as sensitive and loving, patient and forgiving as Laurie. I think I did.

3. The last book you bought was...?
“Care of The Soul” Thomas Moore and a copy of “Your God is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan (to replace the copy I “took” from my friend Steve).

4. The last book you read was...?
“Brokenness” by Nancy Leigh-Demoss
“Your God is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan

5. What are you currently reading?
“Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren
“Page by Page”
“Centering Prayer” by M. Basil Pennington
“The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom
“The Red Sea Rules” by Robert J. Morgan

6. Five books you would take to a desert island?
My study Bible (the one I had in jail with me…which WAS sort of like a desert island)
“Seeds of Hope” (It’s a collection quotes and anticdotes by Henri Nouwen.)
A Hymnal…not sure which one, might have to think on that for a bit.
A book that would teach me sign language. Entertaining learning.
A book on surviving on a desert island. Probably a Reader’s Digest book: with lots of pictures and how to’s.

What three people are you passing this stick on to and why?
Biscotti Brain
Rev Mommy
Debra
(and anyone else interested…coz I love reading about what others are reading!)

Thanks Saija. This was a lot of fun!

Snowy Saturday Thoughts

I'm frustrated. For the last couple days I had lots of trouble getting in to read blogs. Then when I could, I couldn't leave notes. Today I was able to pull up screens to leave notes, but now the notes aren't showing up. What's up with that?

And another thing. Not all records need to be broken. I'm referring here to snow. Day before yesterday, the news around here was that we were on our way to breaking the all time season snow record. It's something like 102.3 inches and we were at 93.8 inches. And it's snowed the last two days. Last night we got about 4 inches of the white stuff. And it's still coming down!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of snow. And cold. And my cold.

There isn't any work for us at the factory on Monday. I'm thinking that would be a wonderful day to go visit Penelope. Tuesday morning I have an appointment in Bucyrus to visit the plant we do all the packaging for. I could drive to Annie's on Sunday and stay through Tuesday morning and just stop at the plant on the way home in the morning.

But only if it stops snowing. I'm such a weather weenie. Have a blessed Saturday!

Happy Dance Day

It was so hard to keep a straight face this afternoon. All I wanted to do was whoop and giggle. After spending a couple hours working with Ed on a corrective action plan for a problem that occurred while shipping out the last order for T-company yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I was ready to go full-time. I said, “Yes sir!”

I spent some more time with Ed later going over some initial paperwork. He will be in Tennessee on company business next week and then late in the week we’ll finish the paperwork and I’ll start full-time on 3/21. I will have uniforms so I don’t have to keep ruining my own clothes. And I will have INSURANCE!!! I will be making $8 an hour. That may not sound like much, but when I only made $105 total all last year—it’s a fortune and a blessing.

I was able to contain my excitement until I got home and then I started doing the happy dance. I called Nelson right away, because I had to tell someone. He was really excited for me and appropriately supportive. He was very happy to hear that there would be insurance!

After I talked to Nelson I called my PO. I needed to check on permission to go with Nelson’s boss and wife to a Seder meal. I also wanted to talk to her about therapy. When we moved here my therapist wanted to close my case, but the PO’s thought that I should maintain therapy while I transitioned. Now that I’m working full-time I can’t afford to take off a day every two weeks for therapy. I was extremely pleased when I talked to her. She granted permission for the Seder meal and told me that she felt that I was sufficiently transitioned so I could close the therapy! YAY!

So it’s a happy dance kind of night—and the daughter is bringing us home Long John Silver’s for dinner. Oooo, and CSI is on later. I’ll probably make another cup of Chai and just settle in to enjoy the good feeling.

Hope you can happy dance about something in your life too!

A MUCH Better Day

Thank you. And I'm sorry. I was horribly sucked into that pity party. Whew. The pain was real and I just struggled to get out.

Later in the evening I talked to Beth (our 21 yr old daughter) about the frustration I had had all day with the 21 yr old. I was able to paint the picture in a totally humerous way. I'm guessing it was humerous since she was laughing so hard that she had to keep wiping her eyes. Finally, she just looked at me and told me I probably ought to pray about my attitude. This from the child who hasn't demonstrated any spiritual inklings for a couple years.

So I did. And I realized that I need to really change how I was dealing with the 21yr old. In addition to this challenging person, I also work with a 26yr old guy who at age 15 was hit by a car while riding his bike and his brains were splattered on the pavement. The way it's been described to me, not all his brains went back in. So Mikey has some serious mental challenges. Unfortunately, he also has some serious legal issues. Mikey is a registered sexual preditor. Mike also had another accident this January and I think he lost a little more brain power.
Anyway, the last couple of days I started using some of the teaching techniqes I learned while working with MRDD clients. The suggestion is to give at least 4 positive comments for every instruction or "negative" comment. It really worked for Mikey. He was lapping up the praise. He worked really, really hard.

As I was praying and considering how I had been reacting to the 21yr old, I realized my praise to negative comments were terribly skewed and I needed to rectify that. So today I did. And I am happy to report that it was a MUCH better day. We were short a person and still completed a big order (that wasn't due until Friday and no one was really sure we'd get it done by then) and were able to set up for tomorrow. My feet may have been heavy as I walked out of the building, but my heart was much, MUCH lighter!

At one point today the plant manager, Ed, came and thanked us for our hard work and effort on finishing the order. He also asked if I had any computer experience. Maybe just a little. Ya think? He also told me that he wants to take me over to the T-company plant in B-town (about an hour away) to meet with the people there. T-company has decided to do all their hub work with R-company so I need to know the people I'll be working with. The computer question came because I'll be doing all the purchase ordering and making all the shipping tags. Made me feel good. Still haven't met with the owner, Ed, and Dan to talk about the hiring process. Hopefully that will happen soon.

I came home, started laundry, made homemade soup for dinner, and put my feet up! I think I'll have a cup of Chai and spend a quiet evening reading about the lives and interests of some very interesting people!

Not Happy At All

I have had a couple of rough days at work. I know I've mentioned that I am a workaholic and a perfectionist. Another problem for me is that I can see what needs to get done and I know that it would be so much easier for me to just do the job rather than depend on others. I mean, afterall, they just don't have the level of commitment that I do to getting the job done (pardon me while I excise my tongue from my cheek).

But seriously...I have always done more than my fair share just to make sure that the job gets done. And dangnabit I'm falling right back into that pattern. No one else keeps the entire job in view and so I do this and that for others in addition to getting my job done. I anticipate the needs around me and I step in to fill them. I'm like that plate spinner at the circus...It is my responsibility to keep not only my plates but everybody elses' plates spinning.

The up side to this is lots of work gets done. The down side is that occasionally I notice when someone isn't carrying even their fair share. Today the 21yr old gal on our team had one responsibility: place one square of bubble wrap on the top of the part in the box and slide it to the next person. One step. One piece. And she wasn't taking any care with what she was doing. So I asked her to please make sure that the bubble wrap was in the box before she slid it on so that the next guy didn't have to finish her one step and do his job too.

Now here's where I almost lost it. When your supervisor tells you, in a nice way, to please do something do you give them lip? Do you start making up a hundred excuses? Or do you just say, "Ok." Period. And then do it. Not the 21yr old. I finally got her to stop talking and just told her again to please just make sure it was in the box. That worked for about 5 boxes.

Later we were running out of boxes and I had been anchoring the line. I asked the guy between me and the 21yr old if he could handle his position and mine. He could have, but he suggested that the 21yr old make boxes. I thought right. This will go over well. So I asked. And she started the commentary response again. I told her to never mind and went and did it myself.

Later I was helping out at the end of the line, making boxes, and trying to work ahead a little on some other things. There was a lull in production so I told the 21yr old to make boxes. She got huffy and said she could only do it for a few miniutes. I said fine, just do it. She got huffier, accusing me of yelling at her. I may have raised my voice--to be heard! I know that my tone was terse and that's probably what she responded to.

This all came on the heels of a pretty serious act of insubordination by the 21yr old yesterday. I'm not happy.

Towards the end of the day she did apologize for her attitude. I accepted the apology and we talked about her style of response. I will try harder to anticipate it and work with it. I'm still not real happy, but I'll get over it.

This afternoon while I was making boxes I started to feel a real emotional heaviness. At first I attributed it to anticipating a negative response from my PO regarding a question I need to ask. On March 19 and 20 our worship group is having a prayer retreat at a nearby camp. It's an overnight thing and she has the final say over any overnights for me. I was most afraid that she was going to stick her nose into my attendance and participation with the worship group and worst case: tell me I had to quit attending. I was extremely pleased when she not only approved the prayer retreat, but also encouraged me regarding playing my guitar. Then we sat there for about another half hour while she talked about her kids and her boss. One of the last things she said was very affirming. She said, "You're doing really well." That did make me happy.

But it didn't complete drive away the emotional heaviness. While I was making boxes I realized what the issue was and I stood there and cried. I'm crying now. The saddness arose as I contemplated some stuff we've been reading in "Purpose Driven Life." We're in the section on SHAPE. Today's theme was about using our abilities for God.

He went on and on about how God made us uniquely and there's no one else who can do what God has gifted us to do and assigned to us. If we don't do it, it doesn't get done. We need to be using our gifts, our abilities, and our passions.

But what if we're not allowed? What if we've screwed up and we can't do what gives us joy? I love to preach and teach. I'm talented. I'm gifted. I feel most alive when I'm in front of a crowd speaking, teaching, preaching. I can't describe the ache I feel. I miss singing. Really singing. Not just sitting in a room and strumming a little. Sometimes I miss it so bad I just feel like I could burst...but instead I just cry and cry and cry.

I have to believe that it's no mistake that I'm where I am, but I'm not using my gifts or abilities--I'm not allowed. And I'm not happy. Not happy at all.

My Protector

It’s 6:15pm and it’s still light outside. I love the way the days get longer. The darkness of winter is passing and my soul is happier each day.

This reminds me of summer nights. I love how it stays light until nearly 10pm. I love when the fireflies come out and dance over the yards and fields. We would play and play and play until the streetlights came on. I’m not sure if we would turn into gremlins or not, but we were never allowed out after the streetlights came on. I can still hear my mom hollering, “Do you see those streetlights? Get your butts in this house right now!”

We always had to be within yelling distance. We never wanted to hear, “Didn’t you hear me calling for you?” A statement like that was always followed by a swat on the behind. Sometimes I would be playing at my friend’s house. Her mom didn’t yell she would either whistle or ring the bell. We could play way down in the woods and still hear the bell. But even if we didn’t she wouldn’t swat us.

This week we were reading in “Purpose Driven Life” and he was talking about meditating on scripture. Warren was saying that one of the benefits of meditating on scripture is that it keeps you within the sound of God’s voice. Here’s the exact quote: “Daily Bible reading will keep you in the range of God’s voice.” (p. 188) Now that’s one voice I never want to be out of range to hear.

Speaking of quotes, (nice segue, huh?) here’s the one on Centering Prayer that I got from Jim, the worship study leader, on Sunday:

“I think it will be easy to bring you to the heart of true prayer…If you carefully keep this formula before you, and learn to recollect it at all times, it will help you to mount to contemplation of high truth. Everyone who seeks for continual recollection of God uses this formula for meditation, intent upon driving every other sort of thought from his heart.

The formula was given us by a few of the oldest fathers…to only a very few who were athirst for the true way. To maintain an unceasing recollection of God, this formula must be ever before you. The formula is this: “O God, come to my assistance; O Lord, make haste to help me.”

Rightly has this verse been selected from the whole bible (Ps 70:1) to serve this purpose. It suits every mood and temper of human nature, every temptation, every circumstance. It contains an invocation of God, a humble confession of faith, a reverent watchfulness, a meditation on human frailty, an act of confidence in God’s response, an assurance of His ever-present support. The man who continually invokes God as his protector is aware that God is ever at hand.”
(Abba Isaac, 4th or 5th c from “Second Conference of Abba Isaac On Prayer” quoted by M. Basil Pennington in “Centering Prayer” pg. 27-28)

I love that explanation. When I feel I’m going under and cry out “Help me, God!” all those things described above play a role in the prayer. It’s all good and good to know that my protector is ever at hand.

And speaking of hands, here’s a couple of my thoughts on Peter walking on the water. Let me start by saying I think that Peter was incredibly arrogant for getting out of the boat. In Matthew’s account (!4:25-33) it’s night and Jesus is walking out to them. They thought it was a ghost. Jesus assures them by identifying himself and telling them to not be afraid. Period. Oddly, in Mark’s gospel (which is Peter’s story) in Mark 6:45-52, the story ends there. Peter doesn’t boast about getting out of the boat. I don’t believe he felt very good about what happened.

Verse 28 seems to me to be the epitome of arrogance. Jesus doesn’t come strolling out on the water and then present the challenge to them to trying do the same. He didn’t say if they didn’t get out of the boat they’d never know the thrill of trusting God. It was Peter’s idea to get out of the boat. Peter wanted to walk on water like Jesus.

Now, why would Jesus invite Peter out of the boat? I can only surmise, but I think it had a whole more to do with teaching Peter about his limitations and his need to depend upon Jesus than upon challenging Peter with achieving the impossible. This was a teachable moment. The wind and waves rose and caught Peter’s attention and down he went. He wasn’t made to walk on water, but he was made to reach out to Jesus.

So there you have it. I think Peter was arrogant. I don’t think he should have asked to walk on the water. But I’m thankful that Jesus used the moment teach Peter. I’m glad the story of Peter’s arrogance, failure and falling are recorded in scripture because they give me hope. You see, I too was arrogant. I tried to take on more than I was made to take on. I failed and I fell. But just when I needed to, I was able to look up, cry out for help, and find Jesus reaching his hand out to me.

I guess that’s why the formula prayer means so much to me. It’s good to know my protector is ever near.

Thoughts on Maturing

I didn’t have to work today. The factory didn’t order boxes in time for us and since there none until tomorrow, I got the day off. Well, it wasn’t quite that easy. As I was leaving the factory, the plant manager told me that he could two of our 6 team members to work in the Pressure Guard area. He suggested me and one of two other guys. Hmmmm. A dilemma. Fortunately, he suggested that I talk it over with Dan and let him know.

Earlier in the day, Ed (the plant manager) had spoken to me about going full time and working between the factory and supervising the T-Net portion. (That was the original offer.) I told him that I was definitely interested. He seemed pleased and said that we would get together with the factory owner and Dan (director of T-Net) next week and hammer out the details. I about flew out of the office. I felt hopeful and happy. It felt good!

When I got back to T-Net at the end of the day, I talked to Dan about the day, the offer, and the dilemma. I suggested that since I was already looking at being hired on that he consider sending both the other guys out to the factory to work. These guys are really hard workers, and both of them need the opportunity to work full-time. Dan thought it was a good idea. He told them that I was willing to step aside for them. They seemed really appreciative. I didn’t do it for that…but it felt good.

So, I got to sleep in this morning until 7am. Now that really felt good!!! And I’m at T-Net working on grants. Can’t you tell I’m working on grants? I have done some reading and pulled up a couple sights to check, but I wanted to come here and write about something that we went over in devotions this morning.

We’re on day 28 in Purpose Driven Life: Growth Takes Time. He opens the chapter by talking about how tomatoes are picked green for shipping and then before they’re put out for sale, they’re given a shot of CO2 that “forces” them to ripen. He invites the reader then to consider the difference between the quality (and deliciousness) of vine ripened tomatoes verses the forced ripened ones we usually find in the market. We were all salivating thinking of the juicy fresh tomatoes of summer.

As I was thinking of the process of maturing, I was quickly reminded of a time when I took my then three year old daughter to the library. She insisted that she wanted to learn to read. I assured her that she would. That was not good enough. She wanted to learn right then! I tried to explain the process, but my words fell on angry and disappointed ears.

Kids want to grow up so fast. That led me to think about the whole “gotta get my license NOW” thinking. It scares me that some states allow children to drive when they are only 14. No 14 year old is mature enough to manage the decisions it takes to control the mass weapon of destruction we call the automobile. I thought it was interesting that I caught a passing blurb while surfing the net where some states are considering raising the age for acquiring one’s driving license.

What is with the obsession with growing up so fast? I can remember wistfully wishing I was older and on my own, old enough to make my own decisions, just older! I remember both of my girls verbalizing similar wishes; usually when they were receiving a consequence for their misbehavior—as if being older would absolve them of the consequences. And, isn’t that immature thinking at its worst?

I wish I would have been raised by people with healthier boundaries. I wish I would have been around more people that understood the importance of rhythm and pace, of the process of ripening. My life was consumed with competition (between my siblings and me, and between my friends and me). Life was about achieving and accumulating: knowledge and possessions. It wasn’t until the last four years that I have begun to value process, journey, balance, and peace.

If there is any gift I can give to my children now, and to my grandchildren (optimistically thinking in the plural!), it would be the lessons I have been learning. I want them to relish the moment, the living in the now so that when they get to where I am there will be fewer “I wish I hads” and “if only.”

Mmmmm. Smells like lunch just arrived I’ll have to finish thinking about this later!

Work Ethic

What is your work ethic?

I’m some crazy combination of Puritan work ethic, perfectionism, and workaholic. I find that it is really easy for me to get annoyed or irritated with people when it seems that they are goofing off.

I was thinking about this today. I don’t remember feeling this way when I was on salary. But today while I was working I was very hard I was aware that one of my co-workers wasn’t putting forth the same effort. My hard work was building our quantity of piecework. Our pay is based on piece production. She was/is going to earn based on the total—the total I worked hard to increased while she slogged through the day.

As I contemplated this I was reminded of the story that Jesus told about the landowner who hired workers. (See Matthew 20: 1-16)When I hired on I knew that the wage was $5.50. I knew that if we had high production days there was the possibility of bonuses. But I didn’t sign on for this job because of the money. Well, maybe a little.

I didn’t like feeling the way the scripture described the grumbly workers. Their theme song was “it’s not fair.” I hate that. I don’t want to sound like that.

So I stopped. It’s my choice, how I feel. I decided to choose to be happy that others were hired to work—whether they had the same work ethic as me or not.

I noticed another thing this afternoon. I was off to the side where I could watch the regular factory workers work. At times it almost seemed as if they were moving in slow motion. I felt an irritation rising within me. It was like, wait. I am working my butt off and only making a pittance compared to your wage that is at least twice as much as mine. It seemed that they justified their slower work pace this way: hey, I get $X whether I make 800 parts or 500 parts so why bust my butt? Excuse me?

Excuse me? That’s right. That’s the danger. I am blessed, totally blessed to be able to work. Drat that over-active work ethic. It impinges on my joy way too often. It pushes me to work harder, harder than I worked before, and harder than everyone around me.

To be very honest, going back to work has been a scary proposition for me. Prior to my crash and burn, I had worked myself to death. I was working two full-time jobs, being a mom, a wife, a housekeeper (of sorts), and a friend. I created a situation where I was working myself into a position of indispensability at my one job (the counseling one). My skills as a counselor and pastor/preacher or speaker were respected and requested. I had horrible boundaries. I had quit taking care of myself. I was all out for everybody else. It was the perfect set up for moral failure.

I put myself into counseling. I had a super therapist to start with. I worked hard on my issues. I needed to be sure that I knew how I got to there so that I would never go there again. One of the clear answers was to establish healthy boundaries. Easier said than done, especially for someone who is so prone to over indulging in the area of work.
So now I’m back to work full time. Last week I skipped lunch to be sure that we got a job done. When the day was over and I was able to reflect I saw how incredibly unhealthy that was! No more.

I guess that’s one of the reasons I write about work so much. I want to be sure to examine my motives and my actions. I want to be accountable. It means challenging a lot of the old messages, old habits. But in the end…it will be a good thing. I will still work hard, because that’s who and how I am. But I will do it in healthy, balanced, and responsible ways…by God’s grace and with his help!

Desires

Today was rough. My hands hurt and I was really fighting a heavy heart. It's sort of hard to describe. I don't feel sad personally. I'm just sensing a lot of sadness around me. It's sort of like how the scriptures describe how Jesus looked at the crowds and felt compassion for them. He looked around at the crowd and reached out to them because they were weary and weak. Now, I know I'm no Jesus, but sometimes I feel just a piece of his heart...and it's a heavy thing!
I just felt on the edge of tears all day.

I've still been thinking about the whole concept of accepting the good and not the bad. So often we don't get what we want. I've had numerous conversations with people who are confused and on the verge of walking away from following God because they feel that the promises aren't being kept.

One of the biggies for many people is the promise of Psalms that God will give us our heart's desire. There are many disappointed people because they wish for something, sometimes for a very long time and they never see it come to pass. Is God a liar?

I don't think so and here's why. I think we misinterpret the verse. I think my "take" on this verse came out of many disappointments and much confusion. Like a child I would run to tell my heavenly Father my latest heart's desire and then I would wait--expecting and hoping. And nothing. For a long time, I quit hoping.

Then something happened. When I experienced my great breaking, I began to consider a different meaning to this verse. It was as if it was whispered into my aching heart. What if we chose to read the verse that instead of us telling God what we want, what if God told us what our heart's desire is? He will give us our heart's desire.

The most satisfying times in my life I believe have been the result of God forming that desire in me and my falling in love with what God really wants for me. There's no wrestling here, no disappointment, only life, and life more abundant.

That sounds good to me. He knows the plans He has for me...I need to let him dream them in me.

Wait till you hear my take on Peter getting out of the boat...I'm just a little hairy tick.

Sunny Sundays

I didn't sleep well. My cough kept waking me up. I was up and down two or three times. I was afraid I was keeping Nelson awake, but he assured me later that he hadn't heard a thing. He's not feeling well again. Looks like a combo sinus and ear infection. He's sleeping now.

This morning before worship time we gathered early for breakfast. It was such a nice time. We all shared about our week and what God had been teaching us. The food was good and the fellowship sweet. We were sharing lots of thoughts and needs. Our conversation finally worked itself around to Jim's scripture presentation. The segue that he used was a piece by Basil Pennington from "Centering Prayer." Unfortuneately I left the paper and my Bible at T-Net. I'll try to remember to post it tomorrow night.

Anyway, I just thought it was very interesting. I hadn't ever heard of Centering Prayer before I started reading blogs here. Really, I think it was as recent as the beginning of Lent. This is something I want to learn more about.

Another special thing this morning was an offer that came my way. There's a gal in worship group that I am just getting to know. I don't know her story yet. She's a very intriguing personality. I learned today that she'll be 40 on her birthday (which coming soon). I wouldn't have guess that she was that old. Nowhere near! I had been told a couple week ago that she played the guitar. Well, today she asked if she could see mine. I opened the case. She treated it so gingerly, with such care and respect. She told me over and over how nice it was. It made me feel good. Then she played. Wow! I love her style. She's so talented! I had been told that she might give me lessons. I asked. She agreed. And she doesn't want to charge me anything! I don't feel right about that...but I can't afford lessons either. We'll have to work something out. Either way: I'm quite excited.

I went to work right from worship. I got there when the factory was finishing their lunch break. As planned (and hoped for) two of our team members started to work at 7am. They did break any records with their work, but they did ok! We finished taping the valve stems at 2:30 and were told to go home because there wasn't anymore work for us. I have no idea what we'll do this week. I'm not big on surprises, but I guess it doesn't matter because at least I know there will be work!

Well, I just took some NyQuill in hopes of sleeping better tonight. Hope you have sweet dreams too!

Overtime Reflections

This morning I had lots of time to think. The guy that was supposed to come in and work with me, who is on our team, called me at about 6:15am to tell me that he just didn't feel up to working. Great.

So I was alone at our station working on the part that the guys were whining about yesterday. It's a stem that is about an inch and a half long with a nut about one-third of the way down. It's not the right size part so we're having to add a layer of teflon tape--three actually. We have to count all our piece work. It's tedious work. All the guys could keep saying is that this is stupid...over and over. One guy kept questioning why we're being punished?

So standing there alone this morning I had plenty of opportunity to reflect, meditate, and pray. It was really nice. One of the thoughts that struck me and stuck with me was a response to the punishment question. I was reminded of Job’s response to his wife after his calamities. She says, “Curse God and die.” And he responds with, “Shall we accept the good from God and not the trouble?”

I was remembering it as: Shall we accept the good and not the bad? Why are we so quick to assume that something’s wrong when something’s wrong? Why do we presume that we’ve been abandoned when things aren’t going the way we want them?

Then my mind rambled over to thinking about Brother Lawrence and I started wishing I could converse with him. Brother Lawrence, did you ever feel that your friends dumped the crumby jobs on you because they knew that you wouldn’t complain? Did you ever wonder how much worse it could be? How much more you could take? I know. Whatever job, wherever you were, you experienced God’s presence. I understood that a little better today, standing by myself, working a tedious job, meditating on the Word.

After considering Brother Lawrence I meditated on a passage we had been discussing this week from Philippians. 2:14: Do all things without grumbling or complaining. We came across this while studying in Purpose Driven Life. (As a side: I was taking a page from that book while mediating. Warren says we all know how to meditate. He likens it to the same mental pattern as worrying. This ruminating follows Philippians 4:8, though.)

I don’t know about you, but when God wants to teach me a lesson, He quite often uses people around me to teach me. Over the years I’ve referred to “not grumbling or complaining” many times—mostly with my own kids! But this week the word was for me. I laughed out loud when it dawned on me working alone today.

Last night, I was talking with Nelson about the weenie-whiners at work yesterday. I remember saying, “They sounded worse than a bunch of old women with their complaining.” Today, as my memory was pricked with my own words, I was thoroughly challenged to really live the verse…live the truth. There’s a reason for this lack of complaining: to bring greater glory to God. People expect the complaint. What happens when instead of complaint they are met with praise?

When I was in jail, I was a trustee and I worked in the kitchen. Our major task was clean up. Setting up was fun. Cleaning up could be a real disgusting pain. The other woman trustee tended to fall into that pattern of complaining. One day, standing before an endless mountain of gross dishes and pans that were screaming defiantly at us, she started to whine, and it hit me: job security! As long as there was a dirty dish, I had a job. As long as I had a job, I could be out of my pod and busy and productive. The time would go faster. So bring on the grease and grime!

At first she looked at me like I had lost it. Then a smile broke out across her face. From then on, the bigger the mountain, the more fun we had. And whenever one of us teetered on the brink of grumbledom the other would just throw out: job security and we would burst into laughter and before we knew it the job was done.

So, Brother Lawrence, I will accept both the good and trouble from the hand of God, without grumbling or complaining, that my life will shine like a star for the one who created me, walks with me, and keeps teaching me!

Quick Note

Only have a few, but wanted to get a couple thoughts down.

Yesterday was a full day. We worked hard and long at the factory all week. They have been good to keep their word about finding work for us to do. It's not always been easy, but we've hung in there. I think each time they give us a new task they're surprised at how we are able to finish it more quickly than they anticipated. I say that because we're always running out of parts!

In the afternoon yesterday, the guy subbing as the plant manager (while the regular guy is on vacation) came and asked if any of us would be interested in working Saturday and Sunday. I wish I hadn't seen dollar signs so quickly, but I did and I agreed to both days. One guy refused since we weren't getting double time. One of the other guys was supposed to work with me today and he just called me to cancel--he's too sore. Like I'm not?

Last night after work, Nel and I both scurried home to get cleaned up. We had been invited out to dinner with his boss and wife (Dave and Linda) and then to a barber shop quartet concert. Dinner was at a fish fry at a K of C. Oh my! The perch was fried perfectly. I wanted more for the taste, but held myself to about four fillets. It was quite enjoyable.

The concert then was amazing. It was at the Akron Civic Center. The archetecture was worth the trip! What an amazing old building that was beautifully restored. The quartets were SO good! One was a senior competition winner and their paradies were so funny. Another was a collegiant winner and their exuberance and harmony wonderful. But the best by far was a family group with a lead that sang like silk. I didn't want to leave!

And finally, very quickly, so I can scoot and because for some reason my hand and arm is numb, Penelpe had a very good week at daycare. On Thursday she toddled into the room and didn't even say good bye to Annie. So while she was pleased, she also was hurt. I think mother and child will be just fine!

Good Saturday to you all!

10 Things for Fun

This may be a challenge...my life isn't all that "different."
1. I was 4th runner up to Miss Teenage Columbus (back in 1974).
2. I'm over-schooled: I have 3 Masters Degrees (New Testament; M.Div.; and MAPC) plus I have taken 2 courses of a Doctor of Minstry; and I have taken 10 quarters of Clinical Pastoral Education.
3. I was cast in the role of God (Zuess in a college production of "JB").
4. I did a marathon of hair washing (60 girls and at least a dozen counselors). We found a couple cases of head lice and had to nip the problem in the bud!
5. I paid a church to be their associate pastor. Really, they paid me $50 a week (about $200 a month) in salary, but I paid them $400 a month to rent their parsonage.
6. I worked 6 summers at Cedar Point. I worked at the Hotel Breakers front desk, working my way up from cashier, to clerk, to Front Desk Manager.
7. I was 7months pregnant when I was ordained as a minister in the Church of the Nazarene. (Does that make my daughter "pre-ordained"?)
8. Thinking I would just take a little bite to taste it, I ended up eating an entire cheesecake (I blame it on being pregnant, alone, and having a gorrible sweet-tooth).
9. I had the blessing of baptising both of my daughters.
10. I failed my orals for my M.Div so badly the first time, that instead of meeting wiht that committee again at a later time, they chose to "pretend" that I had never been there. I met with a completely different committee the second time to a much better result.

How's that?

Perfectionism Attack--Thwarted

I had a really hard time at work today. It started before work. I just struggled to wake up. I “woke” up at about 5:15am. After a stop in the bathroom (do not pass go, do not even think about doing anything else!), I clicked on the computer to check mail, play scrabble, read blogs/journals, and read my online devotionals. But when that was done my head felt like someone was sitting on it. I ached all over. So I did something I rarely do: I went back to bed to sleep for about 45min.

Today at work we were taught two new jobs. The one I started on was the initial assemblage of a pressure regulator for semi trucks. It wasn’t hard, just repetitious. After lunch I switched to the other job: disassembling regulators that were put together incorrectly. This one hurt. There was a gauge on it that was really on there tight. It ate up my hands until I was able to find the proper equipment for the task. After last break I switched back and it was a more pleasant and pain free last hour and a half. We worked until 3:30, getting in a full 7 hours today.

So what was the hard time? It wasn’t the work per se. It was my attitude. I found myself getting overly irritated at the laziness of one of the workers. When we were assembling the regulators I was doing three for his one. He was told how to do it, and he chose instead to reinvent the wheel and do it completely differently. I had to keep an eye on him to be sure it was being done correctly. I asked him to move some parts to a certain location and he put them in a completely different spot.

Then, while I was working on disassembling the regulators, I found myself getting irritated while watching the other gal on the job. She was just putzing through. The guy who was working with her had to keep coming over and checking on her work. She’s not normally a slow mover. It was as if she was playing the helpless female to get the guy to rescue her. I found that annoying.

Well, there I stood across the way, watching this and I felt myself doing a slow burn. Ugh. Grrrr. I didn’t like the way I was feeling. I remember thinking about what a hard worker I am. I used to be so consumed by perfectionism. I had to be the best. I worked hard (I still do) to be noticed, recognized. My value was always based on what I did, what I could do.

My thoughts were not only frustrating, but also scary. I’ve worked hard to get away from that mode of operation. As I was thinking I realized that I hadn’t been “practicing the presence.” I took a deep breath. I didn’t need to fret about work production. I didn’t need to “show anybody up.” All that was required of me was that I do what was asked of me and keep connected to my source, my Lord.

I sang a few choruses. I expressed my feelings to the one who already knew what was going on. Immediately, I noticed the tension release from my shoulders and the tightness in my back disappeared. Coincidence? I think not. I was carrying a load I wasn’t meant to carry.

Who would have thought that the creator of the universe cared about semi truck regulators, or about my petty feelings? I’m reminded of a song I heard recently: Who Am I by a group called Casting Crowns:
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

(c) 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music
(Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Good stuff to know! And to remember.

$3 Happiness

There isn't much spiritual here...procede at your own laughter.

I just colored my hair. I finally found the "right" color. I had been going too blonde and I didn't like it. The last two times I settled on a golden blonde. It's very natural looking and it covers the stray grays so nicely.

I didn't start coloring my hair until last year. I was always afraid that the chemicals would damage it. My hair is extremely fine and thin. I used to wear it short and then then for years I permed it. Somehow I hoped that frying my hair would make it look thicker.

When I turned 40 (nearly a decade ago...sheesh), I decided ENOUGH! No more perms! I was amazed at how happy my hair seemed to be with the decision. It was thinner and finer, or so it seemed, but it seemed softer and healthier than I remembered or could have imagined.
So to return to chemicals was a fearful decision for me. What was going to happen? What happened has made me happy. I love the golden color and it seems fuller. Oh, I know it's still my baby fine hair--but we both seem happy.

It used to be that I was jealous of my sister's THICK hair with it's natural wave. Not these days. She can't keep color in hers. And she keeps perming it. I ask why? She can't seem to come up with a sensible answer. Sadly, her hair seems brittle and dead. She's never happy with it. I think I'll keep mine!

Oh, and I haven't had it cut since before Annie's wedding in September. It grows very VERY slowly. Right now it's just brushing my shoulders.

I walked into the computer room after blowing it dry the other day and mentioned to Nelson that I thought my hair was really getting long. He just looked at me with a stupid grin. He remembers the days when it was way down past my shoulders. He liked and likes it long. So for him this is so not long. We both busted into laughter. So I rephrased my revelation: My hair is getting longer (emphasis on the ER).

So, I'm sitting here feeling a little sassy this morning. Longer, fuller, happy hair...happy me. Isn't amazing how much happiness can come from a $3 box of hair coloring?

Forgive the vanity...I just feel sort of pretty.

(Side note: I was unsure about posting about my wonderful sweetie yesterday, given that some of my absolute favs here are struggling with difficult or ending relationships. Please know that I wasn't trying to rub salt...my pain is in other areas of my life and sometimes I go on about what I feel blessed about...it helps me balance things out to count and recount those blessings. And just as a funny about it: when Nelson was laying on his back replacing the drain in the kitchen sink, I told him how I had written about how amazing he was. He sort of shook his said and told me that I need to stop that otherwise people aren't going to believe he really exists. Funny man!)

Twenty six years!

There's so much celebrating going on in blogdom. Birthdays are abounding everywhere. I love the festiveness!

I got home about 8pm last night. I was exhausted after being up all night with Penelope. I hated to leave but I wanted to be home. What a delight to walk in the front door and be met with the olfactory blessing of fresh salmon and fried potatoes. In case I haven't mentioned it, Nelson was a chef/cook for many years and absolutely knows his way around the kitchen.

It was our 26th anniversary. We've been together for more than a quarter of a century. We have lived in Ohio, Wisconsin, Missouri, Kansas, and back to Ohio. We have raised two fine daughters. We cared for about 25 foster children, one who still claims us. We have lived in parsonages, rented houses and apartments, and tried to own a home. We survived the failure of a business (a sports card shop in Kansas) and the closing of two restaurants, and the subsequent bankruptcy. We made it through my legal problems, jail time, and the hassels of probation. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. God blessed me with the most amazing of men. He has taught me more about love--real unconditional, lasting, dogged love.

Annie, realizing what an amazing man her father is, named her daughter Penelope. She will not be called Penny....Penelope will only be shortened to Nel. She was named for her grandpa, her pepa.

Well, the amazing man just got home from work. He's going to fix the kitchen sink drain pipe that rusted through and he found this morning while he was doing the dinner dishes from that wonderful supper he made last night. Then he's going to take me out to dinner at Applebees (we got gift cards at Christmas from his mom).

Last night I was so happy to be home. We sat down to watch CSI and I promptly fell asleep. He woke me up as the credits at the end were rolling. We toddled off to bed. I was asleep as my head hit the pillow...but I remember his strong arm laying across my waiste. I felt warm and loved.

And after 26 years...that's a really, really good feeling!

Smiles and Travel

Or Travel and Smiles...

On Sunday Annie called. Penelope is much sicker. At that point they were thinking it was upper respiratory viral something and they put her on albueteral and a steroid. She just wasn't getting better. Ann wanted to know if I would come and stay with Pnel for a few days. We talked it through and decided that she would take Monday off and then I would come on Tuesday. That way I could work on Monday at the factory, finish the grant proposal I was writing that had to be turned in on Tuesday, and come over Monday night. I was also hoping that Pnel would be better.

It turned out that Pnel did show some improvement so Monday night it was decided that I would not travel to their house. So Tuesday I went to work. Monday and Tuesday we worked hard. Our efforts have been noticed and appreciated by the factory owners. They need our assistance on another project. So they're going to cross train us. It's a good thing.

As I was wearily walking through the door yesterday afternoon, the phone was ringing. It turned out to be Nelson. He wanted to inform that there was a message from Ann. Pnel is worse. Ann had her back at the doctor and they've placed her on a strong antibiotic and were adament that she shouldn't go to work with Ann at the daycare for the rest of the week. So it was grammy to the rescue. I packed a quick bag, hopped in the car, and headed cross-state.

Pnel sounds awful. She only smiled and laughed a couple times. She's whiny and mopy, but it's because she's feeling so badly. My heart just aches for her. Ann doesn't sound much better. She's got a deep bronchial cough. (A little side note for the ladies...Ann used to make fun of me when I would stop and cross my legs when I would sneeze or cough...in a futile attempt to stop the ineveitable leakage...(insert big smile) I warned her that her time would come. Well, it has. She was all flustrated by the lack of control and of course blamed it all on me! Can you imagine? LOL)

I'm not even sure she should go to work with that cough, but she's already missed two days this week and is only seeing her paycheck shrink.

Now for smiles...I've been intentionally "practicing the presence of God" (think Brother Lawrence here). While I'm working or driving or wherever I carry on that mental conversation with God. The other day (Monday) I was struggling a bit at work because of my own congestion and cough. Each time I would start to feel weak, I would hear the chorus in my head "You are my strength when I am weak, You are my all in all!" And I would smile.

I would start to grumble internally about how SLOW (painfully, horribly slow) this one guy I work with is. And I would hear a small voice reminding me that it didn't matter at least he's willing to work and he's God's child and God loves him--would I do any less. And I would smile and my heart welled with a bit more love and patience.

So part of me wonders what my coworkers think about how I just burst into smile for no obvious reason while I'm working. I wonder if they even notice. Sometimes the smile is so big I just laugh out loud.

Is it crazy? I don't think so. It's just the delight of being in God's presence.

One more question...do you ever listen to the music so loud you can feel it? I can't sing right now and that's hard for me. I love to sing...no, really LOVE to sing. This cold has me croaking out a pathetic bass horribleness. So since I couldn't sing yesterday on my trip over here, I just cranked the CD player to super loud and soaked in the words, the music and meaning. Right now the CD of choice is Michael W's "Worship Again." I just can't get enough.

Well, I need to grab a shower before the world wakes up here. Feel the love!

Apologies

It was an awkward apology. He called me. He was apologizing for offending me last Sunday. I accepted his apology. But I also clarified my feelings. I said I wasn’t offended (probably not true), but I was definitely confused by his behavior and response.
He went on to say that his problem was with the worship study leader, that he had thought that we were going to function as a team, not go off doing our things. “I see. Well, thank you for your apology.”

But there really felt to be a ton of things unsaid. Now normally, I would have rushed into an immediate response of reciprocal apologizing. I didn’t do that and it somewhat surprised me. I sensed in the pregnant pauses the expectation by this man that I should be apologizing, too. I stood my ground. It felt weird to me.

I did a quick inventory. We had read earlier in the week from Psalm 139 and the ending verses’ invitation to inner search for any offensive way. Had I been offensive? No. I did what I had been asked to do. I was confused as to the response.

“Well, I just wanted to apologize.” (Again I felt the invitation to dance the dance of insincerity…and I didn’t go there.) “Well, thank you. Will you and Janet be with us this morning?” I sensed that I had been willing to “make nice” they would come back. “No.” “Well, blessings on you both then.”

In so many respects I feel like I did the right thing. Responded appropriately. I have always (ALWAYS) been quick to apologize in an effort to make peace. A great majority of the time I didn’t feel that I was in the wrong, but someone needed to take that step toward mending things. Apologize and put it behind us.

God, I’m really torn on this one. Should I call him back? Should I accept the responsibility? Should I let this man bully his way back into fellowship? What’s more important: me being humble or me being true? Humility is about waiving my rights. Is this more about surrender or holding someone accountable?

Wait….we taught our kids (and foster kids) that an apology is way more than “Sorry.” (Make sure you get the half sarcastic, flippant tone and attitude.) A real apology involves three things: sincere regret (I’m sorry for what I did.); seeking forgiveness; and commitment to changing behavior (I will try not to repeat the offensive behavior.).

If I believe what I taught, then I didn’t get a real apology. Sure, there was more than the quipped “sorry.” But there was a real lack of sincerity. He did add that he hoped that Nelson and I would be able to forgive him. It was the third part that was lacking. At one point he said that he was aware of his behavior, his tendency to respond in anger and shortness. But there was no expressed intent to change. I don’t know if he doesn’t think he can or if he doesn’t care to. I think he likes the excuse to behave badly.

This man is a recovering alcoholic. He has three years of “sobriety” but really hangs on to addictive behaviors. An apology (sincere in his own way of thinking) will always make things right, but there is never a real expectation of change…after all he is what he is.

Okay, enough of this. I’m going to go prepare for worship. Inside and out.

Sweet Surprises

Officially (at least in my non-medically professional mom opinion) I have a cold. I'm steadily working my way through two boxes of tissues. I'm sneezing. I've developed a little cough. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. My nose is very, very sore. Puffs aren't even soft enough right now.

I do want to report that I slept for 10 hours last night. Not bad with a cold! I no longer feel like I'm going to die if I don't lay my head down in the next nanosecond. I have a sense of a little more energy, but can't use much of it because I'm having so much trouble breathing.

So I guess the word for the day is somewhat. Somewhat better.

I worked yesterday. I really worked. The factory has a huge (HUGE) order for a specific part that they have to get out by next Friday. Four of us worked really hard and steady on it yesterday and put out 15 skids: 960 parts. I made 800 of those boxes. Towards the end of the day one of the guys was getting really frustrated and so we swapped positions. This was good. I needed to get out of the physical routine of box making or I wasn't going to be able to move when I got home. The bosses were pleased with the amount of work we did. It's more than has been accomplished in one day by any crew since we started working with this factory.

Been spending extra time on the phone with the married daughter. She started a new job last week. A daycare center in the next town bought a new building and was reopening. Ann is so good with kids. They hired her to be an floating aide. They offered to let her bring Penelope and only charge her $40 a week. It seemed like a really good situation.

Penelope is only 13mo old. She is one of the busiest children I've ever been around. She did not adapt well to being confined to one room. In addition to that she's been fighting colds and an upper respirtory infection. The owners of the daycare told Ann that it might not work out for Penelope and Ann would have to find other care options. (Picture me in the background, jumping up and down and waving my arms. Pick me!) If Penelope can't adapt, then Ann will quit and seek other job options.

I was just talking with Nelson. Having dreamingly and half serious, we talked about moving over that way and me watching Pnel again. I had the awesome blessing of caring for her almost everyday of her first 6mo. That's when I decided I was going to be one really, really connected grammies. Moving would depend on many, many things--the biggest a sense of God's approval on the change. It would involve getting approval from probation first. Then moving again. An expense we can't afford. I just realized this is something to pray more about and start saving for. Okay. Enough of that.

We have friends coming to visit tonight. We all went to college together. The wife of the couple, Rhonda, was my roomie in college and at Cedar Point. She was married to my brother for 7 years. She and I have remained closest of friends. Her husband, Steve, pastors a church plant with the Wesleyan church. They're the couple we spent New Year's Eve with. Rhonda was with me when I bought the jeans at Goodwill that had the twenty dollar bill in the pocket. I realized this morning I never told her the story. It will be fun to share all over again.

Having friends over is a buoy to the spirit and something else very important: incentive to clean. I vacuumed, did dishes, cleaned the microwave, cleaned the bathrooms, and even dusted a little. I had to go in little spurts throughout the day since it's still really hard to breathe. I lit a candle to help the house smell inviting, but alas I can't even detect its wonderful aroma.

Right now, I'm sitting across the dining room table staring at my wonderful husband. I must have told 4 dozen times that I love him today. He's been working on taxes and computers all day. He took some time out to go run to the grocery for me. I like when he shops--that way he can't say there's nothing to eat! And he always brings me a surprise. Today it was peanut M&M's.

So, it's much later now....Rhonda and Steve came to visit. Rhonda made some money on ebay with some sweet scarves she crocheted and sold. With that money she went to Aldi's and bought us a mountain of groceries. I just stood in my kitchen and bawled. What a precious friend. They also brought us a dishwasher. It was an extra one they had. It's the kind you roll over to the sink and hook up to the faucet. I feel so blessed.

We went out for dinner. We laughed and talked and ate. We were silly. It was such a heart lifting time. When we got home, we talked some more and then we played some cards. We taught Steve the game. He caught on quickly, but wasn't good enough to beat Rhonda and I. They just left. It's about an hour drive home for them.

All in all, it was a very rich day. My house is cleaner, my cupboards full, and my heart merry for the friendship and laughter. And church is in the morning...more and more blessings to come!!!

Crummy

I feel crummy today.

I worked hard yesterday, so hard that I could barely move last night. My limbs felt as though they were weighted with lead. I laid down for a half hour, but couldn't sleep. I had felt like I was feverish early in the day, but pushed myself through it. I wasn't thinking as sharply as I needed to and made a couple calculating errors and gave poor directions. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself and correct things before major uncorrectable errors were committed.

My head feels weighted today and my nose won't stop running. Thankfully, I'm not sore and achy like I was yesterday. But I called off work and cancelled my therapy appointment. I'm not sure if I feel crummier for calling off work when I'm not on my deathbed or because I can't breathe. I haven't been to therapy since December and I didn't really want to drive the two and half hours there, chit chat for an hour (spending $30 unnecessarily), and then drive home two and a half hours. I know it's mandated by the court, but not only does it seem like a waste, I feel crummy, and there's a couple inches of fresh snow out there with more on the way.

Financially we needed me to work. I realize I would have only brought home about $25, but that would buy groceries. I just couldn't make myself do it. And that feels crummy to me.

I need to make myself sit down at the table and crank out a grant. I'm rebelling against that because I knew I'm not going to make any money for my effort. And that really feels crummy. I enjoy the word crafting immensely, but there's no provision to pay me for my time or effort.

And to top it all off, I'm all out of soup!

I realized something today while I was cruising blogs: people write back notes to notes. I decided to read notes on blogs that I've noted. I wanted to see who was reading the blogs that I enjoy and get blessed by. I figured it was another way to find interesting and encouraging blogs (but y'all probably knew that). Anyway, what I found in addition to some good new reads, is that there were notes back to the notes I left. I felt really crummy then. These writers took time to respond back and I probably looked like a stuck up schmuck for not responding back. I'm sorry!!! I wasn't ignoring you. I was just plain ignorant. Now doesn't that feel crummy.

Okay. All this crummy talk has made me hungry (I've been told that breathing makes me hungry...and I can do a little of that right now.). So, I think I'll go get some cinnamon toast and cup of tea. Maybe then I'll feel a little less crummy.

Oh, I have another question. Is there a tutorial somewhere that can teach me how to post pics and post my fav blogs? How do I dress up that marginal column like the rest of you? Just curious.

Postscript (AKA: afterthought...requiring editing...lol)
I wanted to let you know that Jim, the worship leader, called me the other night. He wasn't asking us to dinner as orginially planned. He was wanting to let me know that he had just had a conversation with the music guy who had "shared his heart" on Sunday and caused such a stir. It seems that the guy's chief complaint was with Jim. He felt that Jim had betrayed some trust and he no longer felt that he or his wife would be able to worship with the group. Jim wanted to let me know right away so that Nelson and I wouldn't back out also, especially since the reason for our not returning was no longer going to be a problem--and would I please bring the music for Sunday. It's a weird thing. It both makes me happy (relieved?) and sad at the same time.

More please!

I am turning into a veritable Betty Crocker!!!

Last week I made some yummy chili and cornbread. I made it with out beans. That made Beth and I happy, but Nelson groused a bit about it just not really being chili without the beans.
Then on Friday I made ham and beans. It was ok. The beans weren't quite as smooshy as I like them, but the cornbread was yummers!

Last night I made corn chowder from a recipe card I got from Annie's Pampered Chef party (I'm having a book party if anybody wants something!). It was was sooooooooooooo delicious!!!!

Today I've been crock cooking a zesty chicken veggie soup. I made it without a recipe!!!! I used my blender to blend a couple cans of tomatoes and a can of diced tomatoes and jalepenos (I got the latter at Aldi's). I added a couple cans of mixed veggies (which have plumped up quite nicely in the crock pot. Then I cooked a couple chicken breasts and shredded them. I used the following spices: cummin, lemon pepper, oregano, and sweet basil. I'm sending Beth to the grocery (really she's going for something else and I'm just having her pick something up for me...yea, right, like I could make her do anything...but I digress...)to get some fresh hard rolls from the bakery. Should be absolutely delicioso!!!

I guess if there's any positive to come out of being tight financially it's creative cooking: making a lot (that hopefully tastes good) for as little as possible...and having leftovers to take in lunch the next day!!!

I was just talking to my daughter (in between interruptions from the grandbaby) and telling her about these cooking experiments. Her question was: Who are you and what have you done with my mother? Nice. But true. Cooking is not my gift. No one would clammor for anything I would bake. Don't put a knife in my hand...it only becomes a weapon for me to cut myself or demolish an innocent vegitable. Let's face it: I'm no Martha...and I'm just learning how to really be a Mary...so I've spent a lot of years with a real identity crisis.

There's just something really encouraging about someone actually saying, Ooo, Mom this is really good. And get the smelling salts ready if they ask for seconds!!!

I hope your evening is full of seconds and lots of encouragement!!!!

Further Exploring the Sadness

The interesting thing that has come out of Sunday morning’s service is a quiet sense of peace. I was sad, but not devastated. I wasn’t angry or feeling especially violated. I was just sad that it truly doesn’t appear that this opportunity is going to pan out and perhaps a smidgen confused, and wondering: what’s next God?

Much later that evening, I recalled the piece of this man’s "sharing" that struck me the hardest. He was talking about "playing games." It really felt accusatory. I thought, "He’s really quite clueless. I’ve never been more real." Circumstances have both forced and allowed me to really put down my mask and just be me. It was easy to "let go" of that attempt at putting me down. It just left me feeling sad that he felt so pressured to try and put me down. Guess he was feeling pretty badly about himself.

Some of us gathered Sunday night to watch the Super Bowl together. We snacked and picked teams to root for, and snacked and rooted some more. It was loud and fun.

The worship study leader, Jim, was with us. I struggled with wanting to say something about our feelings from the morning experience and thinking that maybe it wasn’t the right place or time. Then at half-time he broached the subject with us. Trouble was Nelson really wanted to watch the Paul McCartney show...so I ended up pretty much talking to Jim about it myself.
He started by asking, "I was wondering what you guys thought about the service this morning?" My reply was a question. Nelson hates it when I answer a question with a question. I have a bad habit of over-clarifying. Anyway, I asked, "Do you really want to know?" There are people in the world who ask questions not really expecting an honest answer: "How are you today?" And then they scurry on, without ever really expecting an answer. I was pretty sure Jim asked because he wanted to know. I’m not sure he anticipated the level of honesty he got, but get it he did!

When all was said and done, I was listening to Nelson sing "Hey Jude" and making some comment about fireworks–I love both. Sigh. Jim was stating that he and his wife, Cheryl would like to get with us this week, go out for dinner, and talk about things. I’m not sure what good it will do, but I’m not one to close a door prematurely, so we’ll go...if they call. (One thing Jim shared is that he had talked the whole thing over with Cheryl. She hadn’t been at the gathering as she stayed home with their younger daughter who was ill. She was VERY angry at what Jim told her had transpired. Sometimes anger is a comforting thing.)

So right now there is no resolve. And oddly enough for this control nut–that’s okay. I’m not stressing. I’m not discouraged. I’m also not worried. I’ve opted to take Michelle’s advice and just nestle in Abba’s love this week.

And it’s a very good place to be!

Disappointment

Last Sunday I took my guitar to worship gathering. The "usual" song leading person wasn't there, so I pulled some choruses together in an instant and provided a music segment for our time together. When the gathering was over, the worship study leader asked me to come prepared with music next week. We spent a few moments talking about his topic and direction so I could pick out "appropriate" music. I was pretty excited about the assignment. I went home and quickly pulled together a music package that seemed to fit. I shared it with Nelson and he gave me some real encouragement.

Nelson and I walked into the building today and I instantly heard the "usual" persons guitar and his wife singing. I left my guitar in the hall when I entered the room.

I don't even know where to start to sort through these feelings. How about a couple Wednesday nights ago? This couple ("usual" song leader and his wife) were leading the Wednesday prayer time. He informed the group that we spent too much time talking and we were going to go directly to prayer. It didn't feel right to me. I look forward to the opportunity of sharing concerns and needs and catching up with people mid-week. But I wasn't in charge so I held my tongue. This "leader" proceded to use his prayer time to malign the T-Net director, the T-Net program, the "guys in the program (and technically, I'm one of the "guys"), anything spirit filled (aka charismatic) and a bunch of other stuff. I wanted to run out of the room, but I convinced myself to stick it out. I convinced myself I was over-reacting.

The following Sunday was when he didn't show up and I was asked to prepare for today. So I prepared. And did I mention that I was excited to have the opportunity?

The music the guy picked were three choruses I had never heard. I don't sing choruses I don't know. I listen to learn them. So while they sang I listened. I also wondered what was going on and I prayed that God would keep my spirit sweet. They took my not singing to be my taking an attitude. The music guy invited me to play my guitar, but I tried to back out. Everyone insisted. So went and got my guitar and music and shared the music package I had prepared. The theme was the holiness of God and how when Jesus taught the people were astonished and amazed. I picked choruses that focused our thoughts that way: Come into the Holy of Holies; Majesty; Heart of Worship; We are Standing On Holy Ground (both versions) and We Exalt Thee.

The couple refused to sing. The music guy didn't even open the book to the choruses. Music that was supposed to be uplifting and draw us to the throne fell flat and futile. Nelson was concerned. The worship study leader could barely look up.

Then, the leader presented his study. He's such a student of the Word. I respect him for his learning, but also for his spiritual maturity. At one point he shared that forty times in the scripture the response of the crowds to Jesus' teaching was astonishment and amazement. Nelson made a comment about how this impacted him. (We're a small group, so interaction is the norm.) The music guy made a comment that was judgmental about what Nelson said. It wasn't kind, but very dismissing. I tried to tie their two comments together and the music guy about exploded. He decided to "share his heart" and he was sorry if this was going to step on anyone's toes. And he let lose with a judgment laden pronouncement that was harsh and squelched the spirit totally.

We're not going back. The group wants to hand hold and coddle this couple because the give money. They've been fellowshipping with this group since it began. They've got history. They can have it. I don't want to be someplace where someone can poison prayer with personal opinion and get away with it because they're praying and who else can judge their prayers? I don't want to be a part of a fellowship that condones someone "sharing their heart" which is just a disguise for spewing a spirit-squelching stench.

Now, the really sad part is that this is my only "church" option at this time. Not going here means that until I'm off probation I won't be going anywhere (as long as I am in this county and the surrounding counties of this probational region). I, we, will miss the new friends we were starting to develop. I will miss leading music. I will miss gathering for fellowship.

I'm sad today.

Placing Periods

I mentioned the other day that we are studying Purpose Driven Life in our devotional time at T-Net.

I mentioned that I was blessed by his reference to Hezekiah and the way God left him…wait let me quote it to get it right:

God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart.
2 Chronicles 32:31

Hezekiah had enjoyed a close fellowship with God, but at a crucial point in his life God left him alone to test his character to reveal a weakness, and to prepare him for more responsibility.

Here’s my question: where do you put the periods? Sound weird? Perhaps a little, but think about it. How often when you read scripture do you put the period where it was never intended and then wonder why things aren’t turning out “right?”

In the example of Hezekiah, using Warren’s explanation, I put the period after the test of his character. Applying it to my own life: I put the period in after the failed test. The test presented itself and in failing the test, I became a failure; and thereby unusable to God. In misplacing the period, I failed to see that God was wanting (and needing) to uncover that weakness so that I could be prepared for more responsibility. In essence in reading the verse, and God’s intention, incorrectly I quit to soon. I put the period in the wrong place.

People do that with verses like:
-Ephesians 3:20: They want to see God do the exceedingly abundantly above all they could ask or imagine…without realizing that it’s all according to His spirit that is at work in us.
-Romans 8:28: Sure all things work together for the good, but don’t put the period there. Everything works out for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. Somehow they interpret this to mean that everything’s going to work out for good—or have a good outcome. Truth is this is for the believer, and God will cause all things to work together…that may not be experienced as “good” in the moment or ever for that matter, but when examined in the grand or God scheme of things is what He wants.
-1 Corinthians 10:13: Not let’s see if I can do this one without totally going off (lol). Way too many people quit early in this verse. “And God is faithful (best words in scripture), He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear, but with each temptation He will provide a means of escape.” Our tendency is to put the period after “bear.” And then we complain when things get tough. “It’s too much.” “What is God thinking, I can’t handle all this.” God is faithful that with each temptation will comes the means of getting through. We have to trust that and operate in that trust to seek His means. Not always easy. But ALWAYS there.

So, be careful how your life puts punctuation into the Word that defeats God’s intended best for you.

Celebrating Words

I had such a wonderfully fantasmagorical day.

I worked with my brain and my words instead of making boxes and moving brake drums.
I am stoked. I’m energized. I don’t want to quit. I need to get some of this energy out before Nelson gets home from work, or I’ll just blow him away!

I worked on grants today for the Transformation Network and its Family Life Skills Learning Center. Oh my giosh. I started the day with some research. Then I wrote an initial inquiry letter for both components of the agency. The programs are different and so are the needs. Then I wrote a very short grant for FLSLC for $500 from RadioShack Corp. I did some prep work for a local foundation for the T-Net. I sat and went over figures and descriptions with the director.
I was amazed at how the words just kept coming. No blocks. No frustration. I am a word crafter. I love to put together letters, newletters, articles and the like. It felt so good to use my brain and use my word power.

Tomorrow we don’t have factory work because they failed to order parts for us so tomorrow I’ll be working on grants again. I’m also going to be doing some PR and begging for donations from local businesses. Sunday the Sports Café is celebrating its grand opening with a Super Bowl party. (The Sports Café is one of the community ministries of T-Net. The goal is to provide an safe alternative to the "bar scene" for people who are dealing with chemical and alcohol issues.) My goal is to get one of the local pizza places to donate pizza for the party. I’m pretty excited about the challenge.

Well, there’s research and writing to be done. Catch you later...unless I run out of words for the day....nah, doubt that will happen!