Retreat Notes

Home again, home again, tra la la la.

We are home from the retreat. It was so good. The lodge we stayed in was in a valley surrounded by a beautiful hillside, two creeks, and several waterfalls. It rained most of yesterday afternoon so I didn’t get to go exploring. I chose health over hike…not that I wanted to necessarily, but it was truly the wisest thing to do.

Our prayer times were quite blessed and the music turned out to be quite a blessing to me. I played one song and then we switched over to using CD’s. I put a lot of work into preparing and normally that kind of switch would have been very discouraging to me, but this group really responds better to the CD. I think in part that is because easier to join the group singing on the recording, and while singing live our voices make a very small group and so they sing small. It will be something I can work on or just go with what works. But for this experience, it was nice to just sing and not worry about leading. I was truly able to worship more freely.

On Saturday late afternoon we took a couple hours for personal quiet time. This was when a lot of people went off exploring the campgrounds. I took some time to play my guitar, read, and write. Good stuff came out of that time as well as other discussions from the weekend…Like:

Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted myself. Just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.

Getting still is my job. And when I do I find contentment, satisfaction, connection, closeness, sustenance, protection, rest, security, and assurance. At least those are things I would imagine hat a breast fed child would receive. But getting still and quiet don’t come easily or naturally to me as an adult. I wasn’t taught to nurture this in myself.

Why would I not rush to quiet and stillness? Not valuing it. Not understanding it. Fear, and lack of trust that comes from never truly being based on God. Instead it is based on a foundation from earthly relationships. To combat that I need a transformation or reprogramming of my mind. As easily as I have accepted the lie—God, I need to help to stand as strongly for the truth about you.

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When I was actively leading music in churches one of the hymns I avoided using was “There Will Be Showers of Blessing.” My reasoning against the hymn was that it was horribly ungrateful. Even though there would be daily and multiple blessings falling around us in the form of mercy drops, we selfishly plead for showers of blessing. I didn’t like that.

One of the songs we sang this weekend was Michael W. Smith’s “Let it Rain.” In it MWS pleads, as do many of the biblical writers: open the floodgates of heaven. Would we even know what that would look like? Do we really want that? When I got to the point, I began to pray: Lord, help us not to complain when we get wet!

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At one point we were thinking about being silent. I was reminded of the scripture where Solomon admonished his readers (of Proverbs) to be slow to speak but quick to listen. I really felt checked here. I am so quick to jump quickly to words. Is that why God virtually shut my mouth? Had I forgotten how to listen?

I have recently described my passion for speaking and how heart-breaking it has been to lose that. I began praying that God would give me a passion for listening and the gift of hearing with the heart, for what is and isn’t said.

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During my quiet time I was reminded of my times of driving down the road and singing this week. Several of the songs were written in a style or pattern that really frustrated the people in church. It was so hard to teach them songs that had a rest on the first beat. I sometimes found it to be challenging when I was leading singing to remember that silent beat and I would talk to the accompanist about being sure that (s)he would hit that down beat strongly.

As I reflected further on that, I sensed how much dependence was an issue here. The question was: how will I (we) know when to come in? Trust is so key here. This drove me to pray about trusting God in those quiet moments.

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Later I’m going to write about my experience at the bank, but right now, I need to get to bed. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Nothing new is really going to happen tomorrow, except I’ll be going to work much earlier and possibly staying later. I know there’s much more. I’m just trying to talk myself out of my nerves. It’s not working very well.

Sweet dreams.