Perfectionism Attack--Thwarted

I had a really hard time at work today. It started before work. I just struggled to wake up. I “woke” up at about 5:15am. After a stop in the bathroom (do not pass go, do not even think about doing anything else!), I clicked on the computer to check mail, play scrabble, read blogs/journals, and read my online devotionals. But when that was done my head felt like someone was sitting on it. I ached all over. So I did something I rarely do: I went back to bed to sleep for about 45min.

Today at work we were taught two new jobs. The one I started on was the initial assemblage of a pressure regulator for semi trucks. It wasn’t hard, just repetitious. After lunch I switched to the other job: disassembling regulators that were put together incorrectly. This one hurt. There was a gauge on it that was really on there tight. It ate up my hands until I was able to find the proper equipment for the task. After last break I switched back and it was a more pleasant and pain free last hour and a half. We worked until 3:30, getting in a full 7 hours today.

So what was the hard time? It wasn’t the work per se. It was my attitude. I found myself getting overly irritated at the laziness of one of the workers. When we were assembling the regulators I was doing three for his one. He was told how to do it, and he chose instead to reinvent the wheel and do it completely differently. I had to keep an eye on him to be sure it was being done correctly. I asked him to move some parts to a certain location and he put them in a completely different spot.

Then, while I was working on disassembling the regulators, I found myself getting irritated while watching the other gal on the job. She was just putzing through. The guy who was working with her had to keep coming over and checking on her work. She’s not normally a slow mover. It was as if she was playing the helpless female to get the guy to rescue her. I found that annoying.

Well, there I stood across the way, watching this and I felt myself doing a slow burn. Ugh. Grrrr. I didn’t like the way I was feeling. I remember thinking about what a hard worker I am. I used to be so consumed by perfectionism. I had to be the best. I worked hard (I still do) to be noticed, recognized. My value was always based on what I did, what I could do.

My thoughts were not only frustrating, but also scary. I’ve worked hard to get away from that mode of operation. As I was thinking I realized that I hadn’t been “practicing the presence.” I took a deep breath. I didn’t need to fret about work production. I didn’t need to “show anybody up.” All that was required of me was that I do what was asked of me and keep connected to my source, my Lord.

I sang a few choruses. I expressed my feelings to the one who already knew what was going on. Immediately, I noticed the tension release from my shoulders and the tightness in my back disappeared. Coincidence? I think not. I was carrying a load I wasn’t meant to carry.

Who would have thought that the creator of the universe cared about semi truck regulators, or about my petty feelings? I’m reminded of a song I heard recently: Who Am I by a group called Casting Crowns:
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

(c) 2003 Club Zoo Music / SWEC Music
(Admin. by Club Zoo Music) / BMI.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Good stuff to know! And to remember.