Apologies

It was an awkward apology. He called me. He was apologizing for offending me last Sunday. I accepted his apology. But I also clarified my feelings. I said I wasn’t offended (probably not true), but I was definitely confused by his behavior and response.
He went on to say that his problem was with the worship study leader, that he had thought that we were going to function as a team, not go off doing our things. “I see. Well, thank you for your apology.”

But there really felt to be a ton of things unsaid. Now normally, I would have rushed into an immediate response of reciprocal apologizing. I didn’t do that and it somewhat surprised me. I sensed in the pregnant pauses the expectation by this man that I should be apologizing, too. I stood my ground. It felt weird to me.

I did a quick inventory. We had read earlier in the week from Psalm 139 and the ending verses’ invitation to inner search for any offensive way. Had I been offensive? No. I did what I had been asked to do. I was confused as to the response.

“Well, I just wanted to apologize.” (Again I felt the invitation to dance the dance of insincerity…and I didn’t go there.) “Well, thank you. Will you and Janet be with us this morning?” I sensed that I had been willing to “make nice” they would come back. “No.” “Well, blessings on you both then.”

In so many respects I feel like I did the right thing. Responded appropriately. I have always (ALWAYS) been quick to apologize in an effort to make peace. A great majority of the time I didn’t feel that I was in the wrong, but someone needed to take that step toward mending things. Apologize and put it behind us.

God, I’m really torn on this one. Should I call him back? Should I accept the responsibility? Should I let this man bully his way back into fellowship? What’s more important: me being humble or me being true? Humility is about waiving my rights. Is this more about surrender or holding someone accountable?

Wait….we taught our kids (and foster kids) that an apology is way more than “Sorry.” (Make sure you get the half sarcastic, flippant tone and attitude.) A real apology involves three things: sincere regret (I’m sorry for what I did.); seeking forgiveness; and commitment to changing behavior (I will try not to repeat the offensive behavior.).

If I believe what I taught, then I didn’t get a real apology. Sure, there was more than the quipped “sorry.” But there was a real lack of sincerity. He did add that he hoped that Nelson and I would be able to forgive him. It was the third part that was lacking. At one point he said that he was aware of his behavior, his tendency to respond in anger and shortness. But there was no expressed intent to change. I don’t know if he doesn’t think he can or if he doesn’t care to. I think he likes the excuse to behave badly.

This man is a recovering alcoholic. He has three years of “sobriety” but really hangs on to addictive behaviors. An apology (sincere in his own way of thinking) will always make things right, but there is never a real expectation of change…after all he is what he is.

Okay, enough of this. I’m going to go prepare for worship. Inside and out.