Disappointment

Last Sunday I took my guitar to worship gathering. The "usual" song leading person wasn't there, so I pulled some choruses together in an instant and provided a music segment for our time together. When the gathering was over, the worship study leader asked me to come prepared with music next week. We spent a few moments talking about his topic and direction so I could pick out "appropriate" music. I was pretty excited about the assignment. I went home and quickly pulled together a music package that seemed to fit. I shared it with Nelson and he gave me some real encouragement.

Nelson and I walked into the building today and I instantly heard the "usual" persons guitar and his wife singing. I left my guitar in the hall when I entered the room.

I don't even know where to start to sort through these feelings. How about a couple Wednesday nights ago? This couple ("usual" song leader and his wife) were leading the Wednesday prayer time. He informed the group that we spent too much time talking and we were going to go directly to prayer. It didn't feel right to me. I look forward to the opportunity of sharing concerns and needs and catching up with people mid-week. But I wasn't in charge so I held my tongue. This "leader" proceded to use his prayer time to malign the T-Net director, the T-Net program, the "guys in the program (and technically, I'm one of the "guys"), anything spirit filled (aka charismatic) and a bunch of other stuff. I wanted to run out of the room, but I convinced myself to stick it out. I convinced myself I was over-reacting.

The following Sunday was when he didn't show up and I was asked to prepare for today. So I prepared. And did I mention that I was excited to have the opportunity?

The music the guy picked were three choruses I had never heard. I don't sing choruses I don't know. I listen to learn them. So while they sang I listened. I also wondered what was going on and I prayed that God would keep my spirit sweet. They took my not singing to be my taking an attitude. The music guy invited me to play my guitar, but I tried to back out. Everyone insisted. So went and got my guitar and music and shared the music package I had prepared. The theme was the holiness of God and how when Jesus taught the people were astonished and amazed. I picked choruses that focused our thoughts that way: Come into the Holy of Holies; Majesty; Heart of Worship; We are Standing On Holy Ground (both versions) and We Exalt Thee.

The couple refused to sing. The music guy didn't even open the book to the choruses. Music that was supposed to be uplifting and draw us to the throne fell flat and futile. Nelson was concerned. The worship study leader could barely look up.

Then, the leader presented his study. He's such a student of the Word. I respect him for his learning, but also for his spiritual maturity. At one point he shared that forty times in the scripture the response of the crowds to Jesus' teaching was astonishment and amazement. Nelson made a comment about how this impacted him. (We're a small group, so interaction is the norm.) The music guy made a comment that was judgmental about what Nelson said. It wasn't kind, but very dismissing. I tried to tie their two comments together and the music guy about exploded. He decided to "share his heart" and he was sorry if this was going to step on anyone's toes. And he let lose with a judgment laden pronouncement that was harsh and squelched the spirit totally.

We're not going back. The group wants to hand hold and coddle this couple because the give money. They've been fellowshipping with this group since it began. They've got history. They can have it. I don't want to be someplace where someone can poison prayer with personal opinion and get away with it because they're praying and who else can judge their prayers? I don't want to be a part of a fellowship that condones someone "sharing their heart" which is just a disguise for spewing a spirit-squelching stench.

Now, the really sad part is that this is my only "church" option at this time. Not going here means that until I'm off probation I won't be going anywhere (as long as I am in this county and the surrounding counties of this probational region). I, we, will miss the new friends we were starting to develop. I will miss leading music. I will miss gathering for fellowship.

I'm sad today.