Further Exploring the Sadness

The interesting thing that has come out of Sunday morning’s service is a quiet sense of peace. I was sad, but not devastated. I wasn’t angry or feeling especially violated. I was just sad that it truly doesn’t appear that this opportunity is going to pan out and perhaps a smidgen confused, and wondering: what’s next God?

Much later that evening, I recalled the piece of this man’s "sharing" that struck me the hardest. He was talking about "playing games." It really felt accusatory. I thought, "He’s really quite clueless. I’ve never been more real." Circumstances have both forced and allowed me to really put down my mask and just be me. It was easy to "let go" of that attempt at putting me down. It just left me feeling sad that he felt so pressured to try and put me down. Guess he was feeling pretty badly about himself.

Some of us gathered Sunday night to watch the Super Bowl together. We snacked and picked teams to root for, and snacked and rooted some more. It was loud and fun.

The worship study leader, Jim, was with us. I struggled with wanting to say something about our feelings from the morning experience and thinking that maybe it wasn’t the right place or time. Then at half-time he broached the subject with us. Trouble was Nelson really wanted to watch the Paul McCartney show...so I ended up pretty much talking to Jim about it myself.
He started by asking, "I was wondering what you guys thought about the service this morning?" My reply was a question. Nelson hates it when I answer a question with a question. I have a bad habit of over-clarifying. Anyway, I asked, "Do you really want to know?" There are people in the world who ask questions not really expecting an honest answer: "How are you today?" And then they scurry on, without ever really expecting an answer. I was pretty sure Jim asked because he wanted to know. I’m not sure he anticipated the level of honesty he got, but get it he did!

When all was said and done, I was listening to Nelson sing "Hey Jude" and making some comment about fireworks–I love both. Sigh. Jim was stating that he and his wife, Cheryl would like to get with us this week, go out for dinner, and talk about things. I’m not sure what good it will do, but I’m not one to close a door prematurely, so we’ll go...if they call. (One thing Jim shared is that he had talked the whole thing over with Cheryl. She hadn’t been at the gathering as she stayed home with their younger daughter who was ill. She was VERY angry at what Jim told her had transpired. Sometimes anger is a comforting thing.)

So right now there is no resolve. And oddly enough for this control nut–that’s okay. I’m not stressing. I’m not discouraged. I’m also not worried. I’ve opted to take Michelle’s advice and just nestle in Abba’s love this week.

And it’s a very good place to be!