Not Happy At All

I have had a couple of rough days at work. I know I've mentioned that I am a workaholic and a perfectionist. Another problem for me is that I can see what needs to get done and I know that it would be so much easier for me to just do the job rather than depend on others. I mean, afterall, they just don't have the level of commitment that I do to getting the job done (pardon me while I excise my tongue from my cheek).

But seriously...I have always done more than my fair share just to make sure that the job gets done. And dangnabit I'm falling right back into that pattern. No one else keeps the entire job in view and so I do this and that for others in addition to getting my job done. I anticipate the needs around me and I step in to fill them. I'm like that plate spinner at the circus...It is my responsibility to keep not only my plates but everybody elses' plates spinning.

The up side to this is lots of work gets done. The down side is that occasionally I notice when someone isn't carrying even their fair share. Today the 21yr old gal on our team had one responsibility: place one square of bubble wrap on the top of the part in the box and slide it to the next person. One step. One piece. And she wasn't taking any care with what she was doing. So I asked her to please make sure that the bubble wrap was in the box before she slid it on so that the next guy didn't have to finish her one step and do his job too.

Now here's where I almost lost it. When your supervisor tells you, in a nice way, to please do something do you give them lip? Do you start making up a hundred excuses? Or do you just say, "Ok." Period. And then do it. Not the 21yr old. I finally got her to stop talking and just told her again to please just make sure it was in the box. That worked for about 5 boxes.

Later we were running out of boxes and I had been anchoring the line. I asked the guy between me and the 21yr old if he could handle his position and mine. He could have, but he suggested that the 21yr old make boxes. I thought right. This will go over well. So I asked. And she started the commentary response again. I told her to never mind and went and did it myself.

Later I was helping out at the end of the line, making boxes, and trying to work ahead a little on some other things. There was a lull in production so I told the 21yr old to make boxes. She got huffy and said she could only do it for a few miniutes. I said fine, just do it. She got huffier, accusing me of yelling at her. I may have raised my voice--to be heard! I know that my tone was terse and that's probably what she responded to.

This all came on the heels of a pretty serious act of insubordination by the 21yr old yesterday. I'm not happy.

Towards the end of the day she did apologize for her attitude. I accepted the apology and we talked about her style of response. I will try harder to anticipate it and work with it. I'm still not real happy, but I'll get over it.

This afternoon while I was making boxes I started to feel a real emotional heaviness. At first I attributed it to anticipating a negative response from my PO regarding a question I need to ask. On March 19 and 20 our worship group is having a prayer retreat at a nearby camp. It's an overnight thing and she has the final say over any overnights for me. I was most afraid that she was going to stick her nose into my attendance and participation with the worship group and worst case: tell me I had to quit attending. I was extremely pleased when she not only approved the prayer retreat, but also encouraged me regarding playing my guitar. Then we sat there for about another half hour while she talked about her kids and her boss. One of the last things she said was very affirming. She said, "You're doing really well." That did make me happy.

But it didn't complete drive away the emotional heaviness. While I was making boxes I realized what the issue was and I stood there and cried. I'm crying now. The saddness arose as I contemplated some stuff we've been reading in "Purpose Driven Life." We're in the section on SHAPE. Today's theme was about using our abilities for God.

He went on and on about how God made us uniquely and there's no one else who can do what God has gifted us to do and assigned to us. If we don't do it, it doesn't get done. We need to be using our gifts, our abilities, and our passions.

But what if we're not allowed? What if we've screwed up and we can't do what gives us joy? I love to preach and teach. I'm talented. I'm gifted. I feel most alive when I'm in front of a crowd speaking, teaching, preaching. I can't describe the ache I feel. I miss singing. Really singing. Not just sitting in a room and strumming a little. Sometimes I miss it so bad I just feel like I could burst...but instead I just cry and cry and cry.

I have to believe that it's no mistake that I'm where I am, but I'm not using my gifts or abilities--I'm not allowed. And I'm not happy. Not happy at all.