Not Through

I heard a song a while back. It seemed nice. I didn’t pay really close attention. Heard it again last week. Liked it more. This morning it hit me like a brick between the eyes. It’s sung by Ginny Owens:

If You Want Me To lyrics
The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to

Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will go through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I

'll remember the suffering

Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Today after work Nelson and I had a meeting with the pastor from the nearby church where Nelson visited back last Fall. It’s also the one we watch on TV together. I called the pastor last week and told him of our situation. He wanted to meet with us. So today after work (what a day I had!) we got to talk with him. He was very open and positive and we will get to start attending services this weekend.

I thought I’d be whooping about this…don’t get me wrong, I’m happy down to my toes. I’m thankful, excited, scared, overwhelmed, and probably a few other things too. I will confess that I spent a couple nano seconds pondering what I would wear. My “church clothes” have hung so long in the closet.

But mostly, I’ve sat here and wept. I was remembering how devastating the blow felt when my PO told me that there was no way I could go to church. It all felt so unfair, so wrong. How could that be God’s plan? That was one valley I did not want to walk through. It made no sense, surely it could serve no purpose.

Left to our own plans we would have ended up miserable at the Nazarene church in nearby town with the pastor, who I believe, is on an ego trip that has potential to crush his congregation. It scares me now. Instead we went no where, then we went to T-Net, then we watched TV. The process or journey has been confusing at times, but it has provided opportunity for me to trust and to listen hard for God.

There will be those in attendance Sunday who will probably complain about sitting on old wooden benches. I welcome that hard feel on my seat. I don’t care what they sing, it will just be such a treat to raise my voice with other believers.

On a side note…there’s a phrase in the song “And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet.” So many times in the past four years precious brothers and sisters in the faith have encouraged me with this. When I have doubted that there could be any use for me, the reminder would come. The phrase caught my attention this morning.

Then tonight, before the pastor left, he asked to pray with us. We had spoken of our ministry journey. In his prayer he then asked God to reveal how he wasn’t through with me yet. He had no idea how precious those words were. Maybe someday I’ll find a way to let him know.

Mind Flooding

There hasn't been a hurricane in my life...just a few storms lately that have left me thinking. It's not necessarily deep, nor finished--but here's some of the gist...or grist:

-The message this morning was from Luke 15. The gentleman who brought the message was a professor at our local university and basketball coach at a nearby high school. The basis for his message came from a question a student asked a few years back: "Why are people in this country (she was an international student and athlete) so obsessed with winning?" It was a good question and timely given a later point you will read further in this grist list.

Beth joined Nelson and I in the living room as we "watched" the service. She went on for a minute about how many people turn to this text, implying that it is "over-preached." I chuckled. It is one of my favorites to preach from, but I tend not to go down the over beaten paths. I remember one Sunday in my last pastorate using this text and when I got to the part where the Father ran to meet the son I talked about why he did that. So many point out his joy at his son's return. Now, while I agree that there was joy, I believe it was also a more important thing the Father did. Can you imagine how horribly humiliating it would have been for the son to walk through town to get back home? How the tongue waggers would have relished each shame-filled step and how the stories would have flown! Instead the Father swooped in and proudly, celebratorily walked--no probably skipped through the streets declaring there would be a feast! Wow--now he may have blown it at other times as a Dad, but he came through big time right then!

-I'm reading a powerful little book, Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott. It's made me think about a lot of different things. First, I was just thinking about the style of the writing. It's much rawer and real--more unpolished than the "Christian" books that line my shelves. In books like this one and Miller's, Searching for God Knows What, everything isn't tied up in a neat package with a pretty little bow.

Last night I was reading the chapter entitled: Grace as I was going to bed. Wow. In that chapter she describes the "gift of failure." This gift "breaks through all that held breath and isometric tension about needing to look good: it's the gift of feeling floppier." And grace is "having a commitment to--or at least an acceptance of--being ineffective and foolish."

-Then this morning I found a note from someone new to my blog. She found me via a note I left on the blog of the person who gave me the Miller book. It was related to something I said about coincidences. I said I don't believe in them. Her challenge was then to believe then that it was no coincidence that someone at work found my blog and spread it around.

-One more piece: This week I found an email from one of our foster kids. This girl was a bright light amidst much frustration and feelings of futility. Her success, though, came from an inner resilliancy, all we did was nurture it. When life in my home was going south fast, I pushed to have her put in another home. I didn't want her to be negatively affected. I hoped that some day she would be able to understand why I did such a turn around from considering adoption to hving her leave. She's married (for two years, almost) and has a little baby of her own.

I was afraid at first to respond to her email. Shame will do that to you. What could she want? I spent quite a few hours playing out the worst case scenario in my mind. With great fear and trembling I finally responded. We did some small talk and catch up and then she asked about what had happened. In that moment what I thought and felt rivaled the prodigal son: I have sinned horribly against all I believed, I am not worthy to be called friend, let alone Mom...I couldn't even begin to ask for your forgiveness. Next thing I felt was her emailishly walking alongside me. Celebrating that we had reconnected.

It's been a rough week. It's been a good week. And grace isn't satisfied to leave me here...there's still more journey and growing ahead.

Tagged by Hope

Hope tagged me and I was touched. It was fun to think about...even dream about what I'd like to do...So here goes:

5 things I plan to do before I die:
-Write a book.
-Buy a small motor home and just travel for a long stretch of time.
-Visit my dad’s birthplace in Saskatoon.
-Go to Disneyworld with my grandkids.
-Own a bed and breakfast/spiritual retreat center.

5 things I can do:
-Sing.
-Play four musical instruments.-Play tennis.
-Make people laugh.
-Multi-task.

5 things I cannot do:
-Swim.
-Run any distance.
-Math in my head.
-Hold my breath for very long.
-Keep a tidy (aka FlyLady style) house

5 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:
-Wit and humor.
-Gentleness.
-Knowledge about a wide variety of stuff.
-Similar interests.
-A strong work ethic.

5 things I say most often:
-I’m sorry.
-You’re kidding.
-Lots of words of praise: Good job. Way to go. All right!
-Variations on I love you…like Grammy loves you, Love you (to Ann and Beth), I love you (to Nelson)…and even to my friends
-“Jesus”—spoken in prayer, in fear, when I need help, when I fall asleep.

5 celebrity crushes:
-Richard Geere (especially in First Knight)
-Hugh Grant (especially in Sense and Sensibility or Notting Hill)
-Alan Rickman (Sense and Sensibility and/or Truly Madly Deeply)
-Harrison Ford (Sabrina)
-Joe Lando as Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

Now, even tho I've been here for a while, I'm not sure who really likes to do these things. If it intrigues you then give it a try!

What I did...

Monday was a hard day. It was hard for me to look people in the face. This became a trust issue for me. I felt very vulnerable. I'm not sure how or why people found my journal.

So today I edited the whole thing. I took out company names and employee names. Since Ed read much of this I left his name in there.

I'm going to keep writing. This is my place and I won't be run off. The good far, far outweighs the bad!

As Molly Brown would say: I ain't down yet!

Meanness

It appears that someone from my place of employment decided to read my journal and go to my boss. Their intent was to make trouble for me.

I don't understand mean spirited people. I am now contemplating deleting my journal altogether. I hate the very thought of that. I've considered going private, but I'm not sure that will solve the problem.

My boss prayed with me about the issue. He was very understanding. He read much of what I wrote. I'm not angry. I just hurt and am very, very sad.

I just don't get the meanness of people.

Splendiferous

adj : having great beauty and splendor; "a glorious spring morning"; "a glorious sunset"; "splendid costumes"; "a kind of splendiferous native simplicity" [syn: glorious, resplendent, splendid]

That’s how my day has been. Here’s why:
-I slept in later.
-I had a new cinna-yummy coffee in my little coffee maker at work.
-I got ribbons so that I could print labels so I could package parts.
-The moves-slower-than-a-sloth kid I have working for me (who is the biggest drama queen alive) decided that he was going to try and work today (I really chewed him out yesterday…must have done some good.)
-I’ve been making sun tea for the past three days and it’s so yummy. Beth requested it (so it’s decaffeinated), but it has been so refreshing!!! No more pop for me.

(HERE’S A BIGGIE) I only worked 8ish hours today. Yes, I punched in a little early and I didn’t get out of there until 10 til 4, but the 12 hour days are over for now!!!

(WAIT THERE’S AN EVEN BIGGER BIGGIE) I remembered on my way home that I needed to stop and see my PO. What made me remember was the log I have to fill out. I didn’t have to do this until I moved to this county. I came and went for over two years, but when I moved here one of the first requirements was to keep a log of EVERYWHERE I went in the car. Any time I drove I was to log it. The family was initially annoyed, but then just went along with it. So I filled out the log and dashed to the PO’s office.

When I got there we spent quite a bit of time talking about the situation between Beth and the jerky boyfriend. We got there because one of the standard questions is whether I’ve had any contact with the police since our last visit. I told her no, but that I was close to calling them if Beth hadn’t filed a report on her own. My PO gave me some advice about the situation. So basically, we spent the whole time talking about Beth. Then I left.

As I pulled up beside the house, Nelson was yelling out the window. I couldn’t understand him—I thought maybe he was yelling at the dog. So I filled out my log and headed to the door. While I was still on the porch Nelson told me through the window that my PO had called and to let me know that I no longer need to keep the logs.

Now that may not sound like much to you, but it’s a huge piece of freedom and normalcy for me. I decided to celebrate so I drove to the gas station to fill up my car (gas is a couple cents cheaper on Tuesdays) and then to Taco Bell for a fiesta chicken taco alad. Yummmmmmmmm! And I didn’t write any of it down. (Insert huge smile here.)

So now I’m going to read about the goings on of others, drink my sun tea, finish some scrabble games, and then toddle off to bed.

It’s been a really, really good day.

Tootsie Tales

It takes 50 minutes to walk home. I’m terribly out of shape. It’s only two and a half miles. Maybe two and three quarters.

My car is in the shop. Probably the heater core. More probably $500. But at least it will be fixed.

Beth took me to work this morning and then she and Nelson went over to Ann’s to care for Penelope for the day while Ann worked a booth at the county fair for her Home and Garden Party stuff. Hope it went well.

But that’s why I had to walk…too many hills to ride my bike. I like walking. Shouldn’t do it again in my steel toe shoes. Beth will be able to drive me tomorrow. Hopefully the car will be done soon.

I was a sloth this weekend and it was glorious! Oh, I did laundry, washed dishes, vacuumed, bathed the dog and the husband…but for the most part I just rested and it felt marvelous.

Just wanted to let you know I hadn’t dropped off the face of the planet. It’s just peace-full and walk-full.

And now I’m going to go soak my tootsies. TTFN

Hard to be up today

Work was long and hard. These ten hour days are killing me. I’m so absolutely exhausted. We’re really close to being caught up so I’m going to recommend to Ed that when we come back next week that we go back to a regular schedule.

Beth had a horrible evening with that boy. He went ballistic and hurt her physically. We were livid. She was terrified. She made a police report out on the incident today. This guy is getting a bit psycho. He’s threatened to hurt us now. A CPO is next.

Tonight for dinner I drove to Arby’s and was picking my order up at the window when noxious smoke started pouring in the vents. Before I could get half way home, scalding antifreeze began pouring out on my foot—the non-injured one. So now I have no car to drive to work and a very sore foot. When Beth gets home from spending time with a friend I’m going to go put air in my bike tires and I guess that will be my mode of transportation tomorrow, Saturday, and probably most of next week while the car is being worked on. Maybe I’ll lose a little more weight.

I’m tired and cranky, so rather than vent on, I’ll think I’ll close and nap till Beth gets home to take me to a gas station.

Sleep well.

Wonder-full Wednesday

I ducked out of work for about an hour and a half yesterday to go to Beth’s first OB/GYN appointment. My first roll was to provide family health history. It’s nice to be useful.

Now some people wondered why I called the baby a girl. Beth was adamant that she was having and wanted a girl. I was accommodating her. And I was hoping I guess at some inner level for another girl, too.

I was surprised when the doc said he’d be giving her an ultrasound right then. Remember the old days when you had to drink so much water it hurt and then the tech would have you cross your legs and wait to see if the pics came out okay? Maybe that was just my nightmare.

We learned two things from the ultrasound. Beth is five months pregnant. That’s further along than she thought. It puts her due date at January 23, 2006. I told her she better not mess up the Superbowl, but Nelson said he thought it would be fun to watch it at the hospital. I think he had silly visions of nachos in bedpans.

The second thing we learned is that we are actually starting Nelson’s little league baseball team. Yes, much to Beth’s disappointment, she’s having a little boy. She’s not so much sad that the baby is a boy as she is sad that now it’s just going to produce another argument between her and the boyfriend—this time over the name. He’s adamant that if the baby was a boy that he will be named Jerry after his father (and many of the men in his family). He is constantly accusing Beth of being selfish and irresponsible. He’s threatened to kidnap the baby and run away. He’s threatened to kill himself. He’s said that Beth will never get custody because she’s irresponsible can’t manage her money. Now that’s an odd one: when she is responsible and pays her bills she’s selfish because she doesn’t give him money when he needs it because he’s squandered his check on absolutely nothing responsible. It’s not a healthy relationship.

Sorry about that tangent…back to the good stuff.

Last night I was just exhausted after work. It seemed like my entire body decided to ache at once. I was lying on the couch fighting to stay awake so that I could go to bed at 9 and sleep through the night. Even in my exhaustion my heart was smiling. Beth had been given this bag of information and magazines. She had started reading them before I even got home. She kept telling me facts and things that she had learned from her reading. She’s going to be a good mom. Here’s one of the things I didn’t know: did you? Did you know that a baby’s ears grow from the inside out? Beth’s baby has ears now. He weighs 10oz less than a can of pop but more than two sticks of butter.

Enough rambling. I need to get moving or I’ll be late for work. Oh, and I kinda got the impression from Buddy that I’ll be kept on hourly for the time being. It won’t hurt my paycheck any, but I sure wish I just had the freedom to work.

Have a wonder-full sort of Wednesday.

Just a bit before bed...

I’m so tired and so far behind on reading, writing and noting. It’s not that the week has been without its moments. It has been full of ups and downs. I know this, I’m just not sure I can recall them long enough to cast them upon your computer screen.

I am sure that my tiredness is majorly attributable to continuing to work 10hr days and both of the last two Saturdays.

Mom and George came for the weekend. It was so good to see my mom. We played as much scrabble as we could cram in. All three nights I played until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. She won the series. Losing didn’t even bother me—it was just so much fun!

Mom loved Rocky. I was afraid he was going to be a problem, but he totally endeared himself to her. It just made me smile. She bought him a bag of pig’s ear strips. Can you believe it? She was spoiling the puppy? This is not the woman who raised me, but I like her a whole lot!

Ann, Travis and Penelope came yesterday for Sunday dinner. We were going to go out, but I recommended that we get Kentucky Fried Chicken instead and eat it here where Penelope could romp and play with the dog. She was quite the entertainer. We all laughed at her antics and decided she was pure genius and joy. Wonder what we’ll do with two more at these gatherings. Better get another camera!

Work has been interesting. I continue to be blessed as I watch Deb blossom in her job and her confidence. And while that has been an occupational high, there has been severe disappointment with one of the other employees, to the point that I agreed with Dan and she’s no longer employed with us. Make me sad, but with all of her mistakes and issues from a supervisory position: if she was a cat she’d be dead she’s run out of mulligans, do-overs, and second chances. Honestly, today, I didn’t miss her added drama—not in the least.

I spent a lot of time last week just trying to pump this chick up. By Friday I was so tired of being her personal cheerleader: You can do it. I believe in you. Keep trying. Chin up. Blech. At one point I just rested my head in my hands at my desk and wondered half out loud: who encourages the encourager? Then I remembered all of you and smiled and got back to work.

This morning there was a meeting with the company owner, Ed (plant manager), P (CFO), Dan (T-Net chairman), and me. I used all my word skills and persuasion to make my point on how many people we need, how to figure production, and other issues of importance to me. I actually think everyone but Dan heard me and he might have caught some of it.

(A paragraph was deleted here to address privacy issues related to work.)

Okay. That’s enough for tonight. Tomorrow I’m going to work hard and then go with Beth to her first doctor’s appointment. She normally weighs about 105lbs—for a while people really wondered if she was anorexic. So that baby is pooching straight out---making such a cute little belly. Hopefully tomorrow we’ll hear her heart beating and get an idea of when we’ll meet her face to face. Grammy’s pretty excited about this one!

Sweet dreams all.

Very Rough Day

It’s been a terribly rough day. We made two huge, and I mean HUGE errors. Part of me wants to feel responsible for them, and ultimately as the supervisor I know I am…but I also realize that everyone else on the team signed off on the parts/packaging—no one else caught them. We’re all on the sinking ship.

I am so upset about the mistakes that I am actually feeling sick about it. Then I came home and tried to make some supper, Tuna Helper, for Nelson and Beth. It came out terribly soupy. Beth was half complaining about how it wasn’t setting up, so I told her to put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. I just about couldn’t handle another mess up. They did eat it and said it at least tasted good. I have a very smart family.

I’m sitting on the couch half dead and totally discouraged after work and Nelson announces that Ann and Penelope are coming over…TONIGHT. I thought he might be kidding, but he was not. They are now here. Chaos is an almost two curly top barnstormer, a rambunctious puppy, two pregnant daughters, and a hub who can barely get out of bed. I don’t have the energy for it tonight. Maybe if I sleep well…but I’m so stressed about work I’m not sure I will sleep…It maybe a Tylenol PM kind of night.

The reason that Ann and Penelope are here (though two days early) is to clean my house. Ann has a mild case of OCD and is an excellent cleaner. That’s a good thing since my mother, who has a moderate to severe case of OCD, will be here on Friday with her husband. If that’s not stressful enough, Ann wants to leave Penelope here when she goes home on Thursday night. That means Nelson (the semi-incapacitated) would have to care for her by himself on Friday and on my two days off when I would want to play scrabble with my mom I will have to tend to the baby and chase the dog.

This is one time I’m not sure I’m excited about being a grammy. She needs us to watch the baby. We love caring for Penelope. She is such a joy…an energetic, temperamental joy. We have never said no. We won’t say no now.

My foot is getting much better. The toe barely hurts. What do I need a toenail for anyway? The arch/sprain is still sore. It helped today to wear the same shoe and use my inserts. Nelson is improving too. Yesterday he had his first shower in 2 months. It took a lot of energy to balance on one leg for the whole time, but he liked being clean and fresh. I took him to Ponderosa for lunch and then to get a haircut. He was so happy to get out and about. He was even willing to sit in the car while I ran in and grabbed some groceries.

I guess I’ll go downstairs and get a hug and kiss from Penelope and then head to bed. I feel a bit like Anne Shirley from Green Gables: I’m glad tomorrow has no mistakes in it yet! Hope there’s few mistakes and lots of smiles in your tomorrow.

So Far This Week

Monday:
I wore the boot. It was heavy…but seemed to weigh the most when I went to the doctor’s office. That was totally unfair. I followed the young skinny nurse person through the door and her first words were: step on the scale and let’s get your weight.

What!!!!! I have worked hard and am quite proud of losing over 30 pounds. But I stepped on that scale with two steel toed work boots on and saw half my work disappear. I wanted to cry. The pain in my soul far exceeded the pain in my foot.

I sat quietly in the exam room. I left straight from work so I didn’t have a book or my PalmPilot to play scrabble on. The doctor finally arrived. He had me take the bandage off—which I really appreciated. He showed me the x-ray and there is a questionable black line on my toe just below the nail area right on the outside edge. Possibly a fracture? So the whole wound is considered an open fracture and needs to be redressed twice a day and I need to be on an antibiotic. Still only Advil or Tylenol for pain.

Tuesday:
Still wearing Nelson’s work boot. Still heavy. An interesting day at work. And a growth piece too!

In my former life (aka before my world collapsed), I worked hard. But in that working I had a very strong tendency to “make myself indispensable.” I was the expert on whatever I was doing. I would never have considered training my replacement on the off-chance they might be better and take my job. Can you say control and insecurity?

Well, I have learned my lesson and it has a sweet reward! Monday we received the computer and printers from the parent company we package for (big industry name). Tuesday they were coming to train us on them. Monday afternoon, B came and asked if I thought Debbie (one of my team) should be trained as my back up. I never flinched. I thought it was a superb idea. On Friday I had taught her how to do the inventory. She was quite tickled to have the new opportunity and added responsibility.

Here’s the thing. I’m not threatened. I am so excited to be a part of her growth and excitement. And she did really well with the training. The parent company was really impressed with her too. (insert big proud smile)

The only down side to yesterday was the whole issue of having tons of work and not enough workers. When the parent company sends us parts we’re supposed to have them packaged on a 5 day turnaround. Right now we’re at more like a ten to fifteen day turnaround. And on top of the 16, 599 parts I need to get out for the parent company, I have 9,600 parts to package in the next ten days that we’re making in house.

I went to talk to Mr. R about it (company owner), but he was gone. So I stopped and talked with the CFO and he told me that I would need 18 workers to get it all done. I only have 5. Maybe that’s why I didn’t sleep so well.

We’re considering working 10 hour days to try and catch up a little. And I thought I was tired already?

Wednesday:
Well, it’s still the wee hours of the morning. I’m going to get washed up and head out the door. Today I’m going to try and wear my own shoe: my old work shoes that a little bigger. I tried it on. It fit over the bulbous bandage—just don’t know if it will work for all day…only way to know is to try. Fill you in later.

News from Gimpville

Yesterday I worked too hard. I was locked out of the office where the paperwork was. I did a few things in the office, but I was busier driving the tow motor and eventually ended up making cartons. By evening my foot was good and sore. I took a couple Tylenol PM’s before bed, hoping to get some much needed sleep.

And sleep I did. I didn’t wake up until after 8:30 this morning. I made Beth and Nelson pancakes for breakfast. They like that on Sunday mornings. After Beth went to work I gave Nelson a bath and washed his hair. He felt much better.

We ate out today with Nelson’s boss and some other friends. Nelson used his walker to get out of the house. We were very careful on the end of the ramp where I fell. He was able to ride in the front seat of my Kia with very little pain. It was fun to watch him enjoy being out. This was his first trip out to something other than a doctor’s appointment or the hospital. His smile was worth all my pain. One of the cute moments was when he had hobbled out to the car. Remember I wrote that Nelson’s boss, Dave, fell off a ladder and fractured his leg? Well, we looked like some kind of Gimp Club. (Picture it: Dave's on crutches, Nelson is in a wheel chair, and I'm hobbling along.) Dave’s wife Linda is the RN administrator of a Nursing Home. She said she felt like she was out to lunch with a bunch of clients. After lunch when we hobbled out to our vehicles, Linda got a pic of Nelson, Dave, and I by my car, holding up our wounded left legs and feet. I may have to blow that one up!

I’m really having some nasty twinges in the empty nail bed and some seepage. Last night before bed I tried on one of Nelson’s steel toe work boots. They fit “okay” with my foot and ankle wrapped in an ace bandage and a slipper sock on—along with the big toe bandage on. The boots are the boots that Nelson bought for Ann’s wedding last fall, so they’re his “dress” boots and I’m under strict orders not to get them scuffed up. I think I’ll be so protective of that foot that it shouldn’t be a problem.

Updates on Ann and Beth: Beth is being very responsible. She’s checked into getting aid and we’ve talked about childcare after the baby is born. She’s also checked into some full time jobs. The boyfriend is running hot and cold on the whole idea. I’m not too surprised—when it’s not something you plan for, it can be hard to adjust to. Ann and Travis are still struggling. They had a huge fight yesterday and he threatened violence. She threatened to call the police and leave. He said she couldn’t leave without the car seat for the baby and drove away in the car that had it. Ann decided to wait and see how he was when he got home. We haven’t heard from her today. Hopefully, they talking things through. His biggest complaint (that we’ve heard about) is with Ann’s decision and desire to stay at home with the babies (Penelope and the new baby due in November). We’ll call her later when Travis goes to work to see how things are.

And the puppy…we still have him. He’s still cute. But tell me…I have two feet for him to lunge at: WHY must he go for the wounded one? It’s amazing how much pain that little critter can inflict when he lands on my nail-less toe!

My wonderful hubster ordered taco pizza for dinner. Guess what I’ll be having for lunch tomorrow too? For dinner I think we’ll have BLT’s since the neighbor brought us over some wonderful tomatoes from his garden.

And now I think I’ll put my weary body and very sore toe to bed. Sweetest of dreams to you! And yours.

It's Official

I'm a klutz.

Tonight, around 7:30 I was taking the dog out to let him do his business. I got to the end of the ramp and slipped. My left leg went under me and I ripped my "great toe" nail almost completely off. Instant blood...tremendous pain.

Beth had just left to go to her boyfriend's for the evening. I had Nelson call her and tell her to come home to take me to the ER. Nelson was frantic for me...even offered to come with us to the ER...like that was going to happen!

I am not fond of ER's. You wait way too long. Staff is over worked and grumpy. It's never a good experience. I was pleasantly surprised tonight. The staff was a hoot and we laughed the entire time we were there.

Well, maybe not the entire time. I wasn't laughing when the nurse gave me the tetnus shot. I couldn't remember the last time I had one...always means you're going to get one. She was good and I barely felt the needle go in. I will tomorrow, I know. I wasn't laughing when the doc was shooting novacaine into my "great toe", either. That hurt a lot. Not the needle, the med. Oooooo. I closed my eyes when the doc pulled off the nail. It didn't hurt, but I didn't want to see it.

I had x-rays. Nothing is broken. I did sprain my arch. That hurts quite a bit. The whole foot is starting to throb since the novacaine is wearing off. I wonder how much Advil I'll need to take to knock that pain out? No script for pain meds. Yehaw.

I'm scheduled to work tomorrow. I'll just be sitting at my desk. I have to go in. If I don't we'll fall just that much farther behind and after the fiasco of a day we had today...let's just say it was really bad...I have to go in. Besides, I have no way to contact anyone on the team to cancel. Going to be a long day. Good thing I have lots of paperwork to keep busy with.

So that's just one more thing on my plate. But I am thankful. Nothing is broken. I have a job that has insurance. And in one fell swoop I probably knocked out all my deductable.

Hope you sleep well tonight...

Somewhat Overwhelmed

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Like I’m taking on water. I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well at all last night.

Yesterday Beth and I drove (I drove and Beth rode) to Indy to the Brickyard 400! It was completely awesome. There just aren’t words to describe how amazing it was. It was so loud. It was so neat to be there with SO MANY OTHER people. We left before it was over and avoided my traffic phobia. Beth and I had a great time together. It was just the best.

Then as I was laying my very weary head upon my pillow, Beth came to my room and said she needed to talk, that she was SO stressed out. She sat on my bed and started to cry. Then she told me that she was pregnant. I knew what she was going to say before the words tumbled out of her mouth. I hugged her. I told her I love her. And I told her that we were going to go downstairs and tell her dad. That didn’t make her happy, but we went down and did it together. He was stunned but said all the right things. I was very proud of him.

Ann shared while she was here that she and Travis have been having more problems and keep bandying about the “D” word: divorce. This breaks my heart. Both situations with the girls make me wonder what I did wrong as a parent. Not so much that they ended up pregnant, though I wish it was different for them, but that they have ended up in relationships with men (and not just their current relationships) who don’t value them and make them happy. It’s as if they settle because they don’t feel as if they’re worth more than that. How did I not convey that to them?

I talked with Ann a little about it today and she said that Nelson and I put too high an expectation on them and they rebelled against it. I tried to express that it wasn’t an expectation as much as it was a hope. Semantics, I guess.

Nelson is in more pain today as he has been trying to stand, sit up, and move around more. Ann went to Walmart yesterday to get his prescription. (She was here for the weekend to care for Nelson while Beth and I were at the race.) The pharmacy wasn’t open yet. She tucked the prescription and bankcard into her wallet. She took them home with her. They should arrive on Wednesday or Thursday via the pony express.

My car is really acting up. One of the guys at work asked for a ride home and I obliged. As we turned off the road where the plant is onto the state route that would lead to his house, my car nearly died. I have no earthly idea what the problem is and Nelson is not able to diagnosis it from his bed. So here we go with an expenditure we can’t afford—especially since Nelson got a letter from BWC informing him that his “pay checks” would be reduced by more than half.

At work we’re getting more work to package, which is a good thing, except that I’m not getting workers to work so the work is piling up, and will continue to do so since the company my company has a contract with wants us to become a distribution center, which is a good thing---if I just had workers.
And tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad’s death. He died on 8-9-89 from cancer at the very young age of 53. I miss him very much.

I kept singing to myself today: turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

I may take on some water…but I’m not going under. I may feel overwhelmed, but I’m not defeated. I may not feel like I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, but I am promised that I am more than a conqueror.

I don’t know about you…but that’s what I need to know. It’s what I need to hold onto today.

Staples and Conspiracy

What a day! I worked so hard and then rushed home to take Nelson to the doctor. The wound is healing well. They took the staples out. We counted them and all together there were only 35. It was a painful process.

Beth brought a puppy home. It's part chichuaua and part daschound. It's really quite cute, but I don't know how we'll be able to care for him. He's temporarily been named Rocky...did I mention he's absolutely adorable and sleepy so sweetly on Nelson's chest right now...sigh. They decided if I just saw him, got some puppy kisses and let him cuddle up that I would be able to send him away. I was double teamed!

And now I'm off to bed!

No Casualties

It’s getting hot again. The good thing is that it’s been a little cooler at night, so it’s cooler in the morning when they open the bay door near our area. I actually didn’t feel like I was going to die from the heat.

As I was waking up this morning I was in pain. At first I thought it was my kidneys and that was scary to me. As I got up and moving though, I realized that it was my hips. And I decided they were sore from the way I had been bending while I made carton after carton. Fortunately the longer I worked today the more limber I became. So even though I ached and acquired quite a few new bruises, I wasn’t going to die from the pain.

Today was a very important audit at work. I had been assured that my packaging operation would not be part of the audit. This assurance didn’t just come once, but several times. Then, this morning, shortly after we started work, B came to me and informed me that the auditor would be stopping by to talk to me. What?! No way. I was assured. Now, remember B is the biggest kidder in the plant, so I wasn’t sure if I should believe him. A little later the tow motor guy, T, came from his first audit and repeated the dreaded warning that I was indeed going to be audited.

I had to do some serious self-talk. First, I was hired because I can do this job. Second, if they find something missing in my production process it doesn’t make me a failure, it means there’s room for improvement…and that’s okay. Then, they don’t want to see me fail. I actually must have been listening to myself—surprise, surprise.

The auditor arrived in our new area about 1:30. He asked a lot of questions. T had coached me to just answer the question he asks—not offer any extra information. I knew that routine, having appeared as an expert witness in court on behalf of kids and families. Anyway, I did well with all the questions. B and Ed gave me thumbs up. I survived the audit: I didn’t die.

At the end of the day I was tired, not dead tired, but very tired. When the shift started Dan informed me that S, one of the workers, had several concerns/complaints and wanted to have a meeting to work them through. Great. So we met. Oh, I had to bite my tongue. There were so many things I wanted to say. What about my concerns? It was time to pick my battles carefully. So I did. And neither of us died from the confrontation.

Before I left work, I called home to see what Nelson wanted for dinner. He requested chicken parmagiana. I make a cheater version: frozen chicken patties, spaghetti sauce, and grated mozzarella over spaghetti. And believe it or not, they ate my dinner…and nobody died.

I guess that makes this a good day.

Now, before I duck out of here a quick question…When you greet someone and ask how they’re doing and they say not bad, how do you respond? Is it good to be not bad? I’ve just been thinking about that recently. Several people have responded that they’re not bad, or just okay, or hanging in there. The first couple times I gave a automatic response of “good.” But is it good? Is it good enough? I’m going to have to pay more attention to this…and definitely more attention to my responses…

And now, I’m out of here! Sweet dreams.

Remembering

Thought I’d give it a whirl….

10 Years ago…July 1995
I was 38. Nelson and I had just purchased our first house. We were doing foster care and had 3 or 4 foster boys. We were attending and very active in a Nazarene church. Our pastor died of cancer that spring and I was doing a considerable amount of pulpit supply, and though many there thought highly of me, they never even offered me an interview. Our girls were 11 and 12.

I had taken two courses of the Doctor of Ministry degree program and was told that I wasn’t going to make it if I didn’t jump through the necessary hoops. Being the radical that I was I left the program and registered for Pastoral Counseling program at Ashland Theological Seminary.

I was working full time as the chaplain at Adriel School. I loved my job. I really liked the agency I worked with. Life was pretty happy.

5 Years ago…July 2000
I was still working with Adriel, but had transferred into the counseling component. I had done outpatient child and family counseling, been the director of the Day Treatment Program, and was now assuming the position of Residential Therapist. I maintained a few of my longstanding out-patient clients.

Nelson had tried his hand at owning and running restaurants. This hadn’t turned out well, in part I believe, because his partner was greedy and intimidating. They had started with one Blimpy Sub and Salad Restaurant, and when another became available, dove into owning it without really thinking about how things were going to work. They ended having to sell the first restaurant and now were about to loose the second. It was a dark time for us financially.

I was not only working as a counselor but I was in my second year as the interim pastor of a very difficult Mennonite church. The church had been through 4 splits in 3 years and we were working diligently on matters of healing and preparation for a full-time pastor. I loved my work.

Annie (older daughter) graduated in May and was preparing to head to Eckard University in Florida. This was not her first foray from home. She had been a foreign exchange student to Brazil for 9mo when she was 15. It was still hard to think about letting her go.

This was a busy time, but it seemed like a good time.

One Year Ago…July 2004
Out of the blue Dave and Linda stopped by and Dave had a business proposition for Nelson. He wanted Nelson to be the supervisor of his crew in the building of this nearly 5000 sq ft house. After praying and feeling positively about the move, we began looking for a place to live. Several doors closed, but we were determined. Nelson had given his notice at Home Depot and was ready to start his new job. Beth was living with us since we couldn’t afford to send her back to college, so she was trying to find a job here in our new town too.

I had no job prospects and was very fearful about what I would discover as I transferred to yet another new PO.

Yesterday: I was blessed to have the opportunity to work overtime. Nelson spent most of the day in bed as his ankle was hurting, but so was his bottom from bedsores. It’s been a difficult year.

Today: We watched church on TV. Nelson sat up on the couch for about an hour. He’s just finishing up a nap. I read out on the yard swing for about an hour. And now I’m back here.

Tomorrow: Another day of work packaging and supervising. Going to be a little stressful as we are having an audit by the organization that certifies us (ISO—don’t know what the letters stand for). Dan is back from vacation so I’m sure I’ll get an earful about how he doesn’t think we’ve produced enough. Just anticipating tension and discord. Sure makes me wanna hop out of bed in the morning!

I don’t remember the other stuff…but reading other people’s entries of this ilk, had me thinking so I thought I’d add mine to the lot.

Lots of Smiles

FRIDAY: All day I was mindful that at some point while I was slaving away at work that Annie was having her ultrasound and we were hoping to find out if we are having a baby girl or a baby boy. She also found out when she’s due. She told me that she’s due right about my dad’s birthday, November 7, and she thinks Wilson (my family name) Andrew would be a nice name.

Slick huh? We’re having a boy!!!! I’m pretty excited. I really like the name…that pretty much seals it that Travis won’t…oh well…it will be fun to go to garage sales now and buy little boy things!!!!

I don’t think she’ll wait till November. She’s already 6mo along. She’ll be done at the end of October. The tech doing the ultrasound gave her the date of October 31. A pumpkin baby!!!

Work has been work lately. I get to work tomorrow. A full day at that! That extra green will come in handy! I’m sure I’ll be tired on Sunday. My feet have really been aching lately, so I bought some inserts for my shoes. We’ll see if that helps.

Yesterday, after a particularly rough day of working hard and excessive frustrations with others who don’t want to work, at about 10 minutes before the crew was leaving Ed and B informed me that we were going to move the packaging department to the other end of the building. I was so exhausted, but I sucked it up and started directing all the moving.

So today we worked in our new area. Actually, it went better than I anticipated (aka feared). There continues to be frustrations with slow, and I mean s-l-o-w-w-w-w-w-w moving people. It’s interesting how some people lack mental capacity, but work hard while others use their mental ability to get them out of work. Sometimes I just shake my head.

I had the blessing of being able to work yesterday. I wasn’t sure how much we’d get done since initially only 2 others volunteered to work. Then another person offered to work, too. So we got the 2 orders packed that Ed needed done and 8 skids of another. Pretty good considering we had such a small crew.

It’s Sunday now. I’ve been up for quite a few hours. In fact it’s only 11 and my tummy is already asking “what’s for lunch?” Not good. The good thing is that Nelson is sitting on the couch! One of things we don’t like about our couch is that you sink to where you feel like you’re sitting on the floor. So when Nelson said he wanted to sit up for a while, I put the two cushions together and helped him hop over. His smile was so big sitting there, upright. I was ready to take a picture.

So there’s a few smiles at my house: just think how big they’ll be when it’s the grandson sitting up on the couch. We’re so easy to make happy!

Wishing you smiles and happiness in your day!

Butt Paste

Want hear some something funny…well, not really laugh out loud funny, more ironic? Nelson’s boss, Dave called today. Nelson asked him what he was doing. He told Nelson that he was watching TV. Nelson thought that was odd on a work day. Come to find out, Dave fell off a ladder at the worksite and broke his leg. Can you believe it? It’s not actually a break, only a fracture. He’s only going to be off work for a couple weeks and he’s not “non-weight bearing.”

I had to stop and see my PO on the way home from work. She was so concerned about Nelson. I was in her office for about 20min and 90% of the time she asked questions and talked about Nelson. She was so concerned that Nels’ boss hasn’t got the ramp built. She decided to look through her people and see if any of her guys who are on PRC need community service hours. If she finds someone she’ll give him hours for building the ramp for Nelson.

We’ve (translate Nelson) has developed a new kind of pain over the last couple days: non-diaper rash and bed/but sores. I had been putting lotion and powder on it, but today it reached a new level of hurt. So after dinner I made a run to Walmart where my goal was to bring home the Desitine.

Do you know how many different kinds of diaper rash lotions and creams there are? Well, let me tell you: lots! I ended up just buying Desitine because I was familiar with it. The only other one I almost bought was called “Butt Paste.” I thought would make Nelson laugh. It made me laugh there in the aisle.

Well, Nelson handed me the TV remote. Said it was my night to pick what we watch. Bad idea tonight. There’s a dog show on Animal Planet. I’m quite happy. And Nelson is happier too…Desitine is good stuff!

Strange entry…butt it’s how my life is going these days…..