Weak-end?

Where did Saturday go?

I slept in all the way till 7:15. It was wonderful. I went very early to get my hair trimmed. I like to go early so I don’t have to wait. Even with it cut short I was just sweating up a blue streak. Hopefully this will help a little.

After Annie and Penelope were up and dressed we went to the Farmers’ Market. There weren’t many veggies, but there were lots of tables with baked goods and other things. I ended up buying some hot pickled peppers (for Nelson), an Amish loaf of wheat bread (for Annie), and a cilantro plant for me. Penelope liked seeing the horses. It was hot and beyond humid so we didn’t stay out long.

The rest of the day was just that: rest-full. Then about 7:30pm Nelson’s parents showed up. They live about 2 ½ hours away. We didn’t know they were coming. Spending time with them is challenging. Nelson just doesn’t have a good relationship with them. They’re staying at a local hotel tonight and coming back tomorrow.

Yesterday after work Ann and I ran to Walmart and SavALot and when we got back to the house I was telling her that I was thinking I would wait till morning to mow—hoping to avoid the humidity. As I pulled into the drive I realized that my yard was already mowed. The neighbor to the rear (who brought us strawberries and promises to bring us other goodies from his garden) had mowed our yard while we were gone. I felt so blessed. We have such good neighbors.

To say thank you to both Deryl and his son Lucas and our mowing, garden neighbor Ann made some chocolate chip cookies. They were quite yummy. Both helpers seemed surprised with our thank you, but that’s ok---we just wanted them to know how much we appreciated their help!

And now it’s Sunday.

I slept all the way till 7 this morning. When I woke up I checked out the time. I decided I should get my shower early and be ready for when Nelson’s parents show back up. I’m feeling sort of whiny about the whole thing and I don’t like feeling that way, but this is not how I want to spend my day off. Oh well, I will just suck it up and paste on a smile. At least they made an effort to connect with their son—something they haven’t done for years. I will keep my mind open and my prayers flowing for more love.

This is another one of those moments when it’s not about me.

I hope there are pleasant surprises and sunshine in your Sunday!

Home Again!

Nelson is home. The trip went much more smoothly than I had anticipated. The transportation guys at the hospital helped, as did the valet at the front door. He climbed right in the car and helped moved him forward.

It was raining really hard when Julie and I left for the hospital. We were so focused on the storm that we forgot the extra pillows needed to make the trip endurable. Needless to say there were many moans from the back of the Aztec. I tried to miss the bumps, but he felt every one of them.

I stopped at the house of a nearby friend to see if he could help us get Nelson in the house, but he was at work. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next. I decided to check and see if the neighbor catty-corner was home—I also thought he had a teenage son who could help. They were more than willing. The neighbor dad gave us some really good direction and we got Nelson in with no trouble! Have I mentioned that I have really good neighbors?

The other night I had a really interesting conversation with Beth. She asked a question that other people have also asked. She asked if we ever wondered that maybe we made a mistake by moving here to Ashland. My answer wasn’t anything I had given any thought. It was one of those moments where the answer was as much a revelation to me as it was to Beth.

I told her that sometimes the things God asks us to do aren’t about us. I suggested because we moved here we were able to help our friend Steve find a job to supplement his pastoral job since he’s not being compensated currently by his church. Because we moved here, Nelson was also able to recommend our friend Mook to be able to work with them on the house project too. It’s hard to describe how important it has been to him to have someone to believe that he could do the job.

Life hasn’t been easy since we got here, not easy at all, but it has been worth it when it’s put into that kind of context. It really isn’t always about us. Sure it would be nice to have things feel like they were going more in our favor. It would be nice to have a couple nickels to rub together. It would be nice for Nelson to feel some appreciation (and remuneration) for his hard work. But once upon a time we relinquished those “rights.” And quite honestly it has been fun to watch how things unfold.

Now I have to own that I don’t always live into the fullness of that truth. Sitting here and seeing the pain on Nelson’s face doesn’t make that truth easy to believe. But sometimes the truth isn’t easy

Well, I’m needing to rock a sweet baby to sleep…yep, Penelope brought her mommy back so she could be Pepa’s nurse and Penelope could keep a smile on Pepa’s face! Hopefully I won’t be the one who falls asleep in the chair! Sweet dreams…I know I will…all my sweeties are here (when Beth gets home that is).

Humpty Dumpty Report

I’m home. I’m exhausted. We got Nelson there—even a little early! Not a good thing necessarily when you’re waiting for surgery. I just wanted to allow for traffic.

While we were in surgery waiting, the doctor let us know that Nelson would be staying a couple extra days. This was comforting news. Nelson had been concerned about how we were going to be able to manage his pain.

My sis came early and then stayed all day with me. It was good to have the company. We talked a lot and were quiet at other times. The surgery waiting area was very “homey” so we were comfortable all afternoon.

Nelson was taken to surgery around 11:30am and we finally got to his room around 5:30. The surgery took about 4 hours. They found more damage to the joint than anticipated and found another broken bone, this one in his foot.

We took Nelson’s c-pap (forced air breathing machine for his apnea) machine with us—just in case they did keep him. Julie had gone to the parking garage to retrieve it from the car when I arrived in Nelson’s room. I was not ready for what I found. Nelson was laying in the bed moaning, it was obvious that he was in terrible pain.

I have known this man for nearly 28 years. I have seen him injured on several occasions. I have never seen him hurting as badly as I did this evening. He told the nurse that his pain was at a 9 (on a scale where 10 is the worst). I translated to the nurse that on a “normal” person’s pain scale that would put Nelson’s pain at about a 15. He just doesn’t complain about pain. My heart started to ache. I felt so helpless, sick seeing him hurt and totally unable to do anything…well, not anything. I walked over and just began stroking him on the arm and across his forehead. That calms him, relaxes him. And as he relaxed the pain meds began to kick in.

Yesterday, I called Nelson from work while I was on my 2:00 break. He told me he was a big boy. He had gotten out of the bed and onto the bedside potty all by himself and had a bowel movement. I started thinking about it and the thoughts weren’t good. I had forgotten to put any water in the potty bucket. That would make clean up fun. And how pleasant it was going to be to come into the house with that aroma greeting me. He told me hat he was a really big boy and put the bucket in the half bath and shut the door. He had managed to get himself from the potty to the wheel chair and rolled to the bathroom to “hide” the potty bucket. I told him to warn the daughter so that she didn’t walk in there after work.

I cleaned things up when I got home from work…including the hubster. That’s really love. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn’t much different from changing a dirty diaper, but it really isn’t the same.

Wiping your sweetie’s seatie is really love in action. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that true love is just willing to wade through the crap: whether it’s wiping a poopy bottom or coming to grips with unexpected, unexplainable criminal behavior. Nelson’s amazing ability to forgive me and keep loving me makes cleaning up poop seem like a walk in the park.

One of my favorite biblical moments comes when the crowd questions the woman who anoints Jesus feet and head at the dinner at the Pharisee’s house. Jesus tells a story to explain her extravagant display love. (Luke 7:36-50) In the story two men are forgiven a debt they cannot repay: one small and the other enormous. Jesus’ question: Which one will love more? Simon’s response is that it will be the one who has been forgiven more.

I understand this. I have been greatly forgiven, I am deeply loved…and there is no other response but to love and love deeply.

I may not be explaining this well…that may be because I’m feeling it quite deeply.

So now I’m going to take my weary self to bed…tomorrow holds much to do: work and a run to the hospital. Better get some rest. Hope you do too!

Fast of Slow

Well, after working to adjust to the idea of Nelson laying around for another three weeks--the doctor talked to the nurse practioner this morning. He asked why Nelson wasn't on the surgery schedule this week? When she told him that Nelson wasn't scheduled to be seen again until 8/3 he was not pleased and scheduled Nelson for surgery tomorrow at 11:00am.

So I had to get things organized at work. Again, they were very understanding that I needed the day off.

We just finished Chinese for dinner. Nelson actually had a little appetite and since he knew he wouldn't be eating again tomorrow he decided to eat something that sounded really good. And it was!

Well, I've got laundry to finish, dishes to wash, and if it cools down I may try to mow...maybe.

Friday

Doctor Report:
A guy at work offered me the free use of a wheel chair. His dad (a big man like Nelson) had diabetes and had his leg amputated. This was a real blessing because we were going to have to rent one and were told Workers’ Comp wouldn’t pay for it.

So my sis came to help with her Aztec (the seats fold down flat) to help us get to the appointment. We worked hard at it, but were finally able to get Nelson comfortably into the car.

We arrived for the appointment on time. They were quite prompt at getting us seen. We were scheduled with the nurse practitioner—this should have clued me in. They took off the wrap and the gauze pads. They were sort of gross…nah, they were lots icky.

The nurse practitioner told us that things were looking good, and healing well. She told us that the swelling was to be expected. His foot and ankle are really bruised and the skin looks really taunt from the swelling.

We were hoping that during one of the many times when she left the room she would return with the Doc and he would tell us when the surgery would be next week. Each time she returned alone. Finally, she let us know that the doctor wasn’t even in today and Nelson wouldn’t see him until his next appointment which is August 3.

This was very discouraging news. Nelson is so tired of just laying around. Three more weeks of this is going to be really tough. We spent some time this morning trying to think of things for him to do during the day to pass the time. Sis gave him a pair of reading glasses and that enabled him to read the computer screen. He can listen to his favorite radio station over the internet too. I’m going to bring down his box of stamps that he can look at and price.

Annie is going home today, too. We discussed it and decided that there wasn’t much point in her staying for the three weeks and then for however long is needed after the next surgery. Needless to say, Travis is happy that she’s coming home. The big loss in all this will the presence of Little Miss Entertainment, but Penelope needs to get home to her familiar surrounds, too.

Well, there’s some other stuff going on too, but I thought I’d fill you in on this and then write more later.

TTFN

A Little About Me

Nelson is hanging in there. He's taking less pain meds. Ducolax is an amazingly quick working stool softenor and true love is wiping/cleaning your beloveds butt. He's getting tired of only laying on his back and bored, but working hard at being a model patient.

Now I'd like to talk about me for a minute. I'm becomnig very aware of something about myself. I have always been intrigued and impressed by the Meyers-Briggs Trait Inventory. I think it is insight-full and helpful for understanding much about oneself and applying that knowledge to many facets of life (relationships, work, leisure, and spirituality to name a few).

I became familiar with MBTI during my chaplaincy training (CPE) in Kansas City. The first time I took the inventory came out as a ESFP. My result reflected my mask or external self that was "on" most of the time. My supervisors and groupmates helped me to unpack that and I retook the inventory. Not too surprisingly, I came out a INFJ--just about as opposite as you can get. Again, however, this felt more like what I wanted to be. In the end, I learned I was terribly confused and it's very difficult to "develop one's pastoral identity" (goal of CPE) when one isn't aware of one's personal identity.

Over the years I've hung in there with MBTI, reading and trying to understand so that I can better understand myself. This became an even more pressing study after I committed my crime and wanted to better understand how the heck I got there so that I would be sure to never go back. I learned:
1. I do the extrovert exceptionally well. So well in fact, that people expect it out of me in social situations. I'm the motivator, the entertainer, the mingler. When I don't act this way people who know me wonder what's wrong with me?
2. Playing the role of extrovert takes a huge toll on me emotional and physically. I can do it, but it doesn't energize me. Quite the contrary, I'm drained. My kids noticed a definite difference in me when they observed my extroverted behavior at work and leading groups and then saw me crash and withdraw at home. It was hard for them to reconcile the two sides of their mom.
3. I am most balanced between sensing and the intuitive (N and S), while there is very little Thinking in me--I'm off the scale into Feeling (T and F). I can be a planner (J), but generally function more naturally flying by the seat of my pants (P). I think that has something to do with the perfectionist in me. I can live by the datebook and rules, but if you're more happy-go-lucky then you're less likely to screw up when you just take things as they come. You're also less disappointed and growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home planning only led to disappointment so why bother?
4. Now, here's what has struck me this weekend---and why I'm even thinking about these things at all. I have developed into quite an I (introverted) personality. This could be due in part to not having much of any outlet for my extrovert (not necessary for my job and not leading in any other capacities of my life right now).

Since Nelson has been home from the hospital Ann has been here with Penelope. I love them. I am so happy that they are here to help. But with them here, Nelson here 24/7, and Beth being here I don't have any quiet alone time. Right now my computer is offline (Annie upgraded to XP and my Netgear utility didn't transfer so I'm waiting for a service call to fix that) so I'm using the computer in Beth's room. I feel like I'm intruding in her space so I wait till she's at work. This afternoon, Rhonda and Steve are coming to visit. I dearly love them and will be happy to see them. Oh, and Travis came over yesterday morning--he's been missing Annie and Penelope.

So I have a houseful of people--whom I love and treasure--and yet I look at it with an unusal level of dread. This feels very odd to me and I'm not liking it much. I'm sort of hoping the baby gets fussy so I can take her for a walk. I did that twice yesterday, and although it was extremely warm and humid, I welcomed the peaceful escape (Penelope fell asleep almost the instant the stroller wheels started turning).

And that feels selfish to me. The guilt arises because my family doesn't understand the introverted part of me and the downtime I require. Because I have been so "good" at wearing the mask and playing the extrovert role, that's what they expect. I've created a monster: me. And I'm not quite sure how to change the roles.

Now I would pooh-pooh anyone else who felt that way, but haven't quite mustered up the gracefulness for myself. Something to work on I guess.

So while I ponder my personal personality dilemma, y'all have a blessed day and if you're in a place where there'll be fireworks tonight--Enjoy!

Here's the Latest

WEDNESDAY:
Nelson spent most of the day waiting to know what was going to happen next. In PT he convinced them that he couldn’t maneuver the steps so they ordered an ambulette to transport him home. I went straight to the hospital after wok (steel toe shoes and uniform still on) so that I could give Nelson a bed bath and gather his belongings.

When the transport people arrived they didn’t have a big enough wheel chair for Nelson so we had to wait on that. We pointed out to the one woman who was responsible for the transport that there were steps into the house and she had to call for back up. Back up came from a town over 30mi away. When they all got to the house Nelson was taken from the wheel chair, put on a cot, and wheeled into the house. He’s been in the hospital bed ever since.

I have a pic of the hardware that Beth took. She sent it to me in an email. I sent it to my Uncle in AZ so my mom could see it and to Nelson’s mom in Toledo, but I don’t know how to load it into here.

It has been good to have Ann and Penelope here. Penelope does a wonderful job of keeping Nelson entertained and Ann has been cooking so Nelson has been eating a little more.

FRIDAY:
Well we got some bad news today. It just seems like a constant stream of two steps forward and three steps back. It was good news that Nelson was/is covered by Workman’s Comp. It’s a good thing that Workman’s comp pays 60% of a person’s wage when they are laid up. So what’s the bad news?

The 60% is based on the past 6 months of wages. That would be the 6 months that Nelson was working and not getting paid. And 60% of next to nothing is…drum roll please: a big fat nothing.

And wait there’s more…the cost of the ambulette may not be covered for the ride home and definitely isn’t covered for next week’s visit to the doctor. The ride home cost about $875.00. Yehaw.

Nelson has taken less pain meds today. But his foot is swelling. Oh, and best of all—he hasn’t had a bowel movement since last Thursday. We were just talking about it. If something doesn’t move by Monday we’ll call his home health nurse. Yippeeeee.

Well, we just had our entertainment for the evening. In addition to us all watching Jeopardy (Ann, Beth, Penelope, Nelson and me), then Ann gave Nelson a shave. Oh my what an absolute hoot!

I guess that’s how life is here…frustration wrapped in laughter.

Quick Update

Very quick!

I worked yesterday—per Nelson’s instructions. There was plenty going on to keep my mind occupied. He finally saw the doc about 2pm—not very long before surgery. I was wanting to get to the hospital right away, but of course I was stopped on my out of the building.

I did meet with my PO and she did approve the NASCAR race! I’m so excited—Now we have to get Nelson ready and able. While I was in her office the sky opened up and down came the rain. The storm rumbled through the area and the warning came out for “dangerous lightening.”

I decided not to drive to the hospital in pouring rain and rush hour traffic so I spent a little time checking things on the computer before I left. I arrived at the Surgery Waiting Room desk just as the doc did to give me the details.

Nelson did have the initial operation where they “stretched” him back out. He has a rod through his heel and one at his knee. Rhonda had tried to prepare me for all the hardware, but there’s no way to be ready for that. Nelson was hurting really badly. He will have the hardware for at least 10 days. He has an appointment next Tuesday at the Doc's office. The next surgery will be for the reconstruction of the ankle...Yehaw!

I stayed for a few hours, but he barely knew I was there so shortly after 9pm I left. I got lost in downtown Akron coming home, but was able to trust my pitiful sense of direction to get me back to the freeway. It worked!

I’m tired and would really rather go back to bad, but it’s not in the cards today. Have to work and then Annie and Penelope will be here later and Nelson may come home today.

Thanks for all your prayers!!! They mean so much to me as does all your support, care, and encouragement. Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

A Few More Answers...A Little More ControlI

I went to work for a couple hours this morning. It went well. I had a chance to talk with Buddy for a few minutes. When I started talking about Nelson’s constant pain I just broke down. I must have known that he would understand.

I got to the Medina hospital around 10:15. PT came and got Nelson up and he hopped toward the door. Just as he got close the door his nurse walked in. She announced to us that the ambulance would be there in a half hour to take him to Akron General Hospital and his surgery was scheduled for tomorrow at 4:30. Finally, something definite.

I got Nelson bathed and dressed and we were wondering how late they would be when they walked into the room—early! Imagine that. I was able to get to the new hospital, even though the directions were incorrect. As I walked down the hall to Nelson’s room I saw him laying on the gurney in the hall. That seemed a little odd, but not compared to how odd it was that there wasn’t a bed in the room—and the way the nurses kept apologizing since they had been asking for a bed for hours since they knew he was coming. Sure would have been nice if someone would have let us know. Sheesh. But the fun continued when the bed arrived and then didn’t work. Can you say comedy of errors.

They had quite a bit of trouble finding a vein for an IV and then later for one for the vampire to get bloodwork before surgery. Took 3 nurses each time. We giggled all the way trough it He looked so silly laying there in bed with his Ernie (of Sesame Street) t-shirt on.

We don’t know anynmore details, but it feels good to have him there and know that his surgery is scheduled.

Nelson has insisted that I go to work tomorrow. He says he doesn’t understand why I would want to just sit there with him. I guess it’s a guy thing…at least that’s what some of the guys at work said. They said they’d feel the same way. So I’ll be working. and then heading to the hospital after work—well really, after I stop for a visit with my PO. Gotta get that permission to go to the race.

A couple of things I’ve noticed….First, I want to apologize for ranting on the way I did. I had to sit back and think about where all the frustration was coming from. And I think what got to me the most was the total lack of control. I have never done well when I don’t feel any control. If this was a test I don’t think I did very well. Sigh. I started out okay, but the longer it seemed to with uncertainty I just crumbled. Definitely need to work here.

Then, I scared myself this morning. I used to find my totally identity in my work. I worked myself to death: spiritually and emotionally. I got to the plant at 6:15am this morning. I went in that early to get started on correcting the packaging problem from Friday. As I stood there with sweat dripping off me, working in the half-lit area, I just stopped. There was only so much I could do…there was only so much I was going to try to do. I was going to line things out and delegate it out. Work would go on without me. I needed to be with my husband—whether he wanted me to be there or not. As I stood there in the dark with the truth dawning on me, I also began to feel a much deeper sense of relief and peace.

There’s one more thing I’ve really been wrestling with the past few days, since Nelson fell. The whole reason we moved up here was for Nelson to supervise the building of this huge house. We felt so strongly that we were to move here and it has been nothing but difficult from the get go. And now this? It’s hard not to wonder if we misread. It’s hard not to question. By the end of the day, I heard myself say to a couple different people that this was sure a round about way to get me to my factory job. Is that what this really was all about? Lots of questions…and hopefully a lot of time to answer them.

Well, how’s that for an update? I’ll let you know how surgery goes. Until then, sweet dreams.

What Plans?

I’m home and I’m miffed. I am in full-blown stressed out mode. I spent the day at the hospital with Nelson. We watched the race together. I was getting ready to leave when the orthopedic doc who was referring us out stopped by. Here’s his plan:
-I will go to work to fix a problem that I found right at quitting time on Friday that has to be done first thing so that it can be shipped out (this involves unpacking 2 skids of packed parts that didn’t get a sticker on them designed for all shipments going to Mexico…a horrible oversight by the people running the line, but thankfully caught before they shipped). I will also line out the work for the day and make sure that it is done correctly.
-Nelson will have a session with PT in the morning to teach him how to walk. In his three sessions with PT he has stood up twice taken a couple of sideways scooch steps and then today moved over to sit in the chair. So in a session they are going to teach him how walk, get up a couple steps, and get in and out of a car.
-I will call the doctor’s office in Akron to see when I get a doctor’s appointment. I am hoping that I can get one where I go straight from the hospital to the clinic. If I can’t get him in until Tuesday, I will then bring him home.
-While I’m either at work or in the process of transporting Nelson, Dave, Steve, and Mook will deliver the hospital bed to my house.
-Nelson will hopefully be seen by the surgeon and some type of work will be done on his leg and ankle.

My head hurts with all the maybes and hopefullies. I want to stomp my foot and tell someone to just give me a straight answer and not all these uncertainties. Why is that so much to ask for?

I had to call Ed to tell him about my situation. I called his cell, but obviously he and his wife had exchanged phones. He is on his way to his dad’s in West Virginia because his dad is dying. So I had to call Buddy. I feel badly because I’m having to miss work, but more so because I can’t tell them how much I’m going to have to miss because I can’t get anyone to give an answer on that.

So now I’ve vented a little to the daughter and she’s ready to rush over, but I told her that I need her here when Nelson gets home. I think it will be way too difficult to move him about and keep Penelope corralled. She wasn’t really happy with my way of thinking, but I think I was forceful enough to keep her from jumping in the car right that minute.

I ranted a little to Rhonda, who immediately wanted to fix everything. It can’t be fixed. I am at the mercy of a doc who hasn’t even seen the x-rays and his very busy schedule (show me a doc who doesn’t have a busy schedule and I’ll immediately ask why and doubt his ability). She works for an orthopedic group and is trying to get me to bring Nelson to them. I just don’t feel good about that. It’s not that I don’t trust her or her docs---but think about how it would be if something went wrong. I don’t want to leave a foothold for resentment. Does that make any sense?

I need to go to bed, but my mind is racing. I think I’m going to go get a glass of milk and play a couple scrabble boards and drift off into sleep. Tomorrow could be a very long day.

Hope your dreams are sweet and your plans clear!

Ankle Update

Told you I’d be back with an update…It’s not much, but here we go with what I know…

I was supposed to get tires before I went to the hospital. I went to the tire place, but they already had a line and the guy told me that it would be AT LEAST an hour and a half. Too long. I decided to chance another trip on the iffy tire.

I got to the hospital a little after 9am. Nelson was in pain and grumpy from not sleeping. The respiratory tech said that she couldn’t authorize giving him a machine set to his high of a setting without a doctor’s verification. I started asking about them providing a C-Pap before we went to Nelson’s room. They assured me the hospital would provide. Grrr. If they would have told me early enough I would have run home and got it—it didn’t matter that it would be a 2hr round trip. Needless to say he didn’t sleep well and it was like someone sucked all his humor out of him.

PT arrived at about 9:45am. The problem with this was Nelson’s pain meds had worn off and he was counting minutes until his next dose. The poor gal from PT was the recipient of some unanticipated ire from Nelson. He hadn’t slept, he was hurting pretty bad, and he couldn’t imagine how he was going to stand up and walk. It took three of us and all Nelson’s strength to get to him scooted to the edge of the bed and then get him upright. I was starting to get really nervous. How in the world was I going to be able to do that?

Our friends, Steve and Rhonda, showed up a little after noon. We visited for a while and then they took me to lunch in the cafeteria. We talked so long that we missed Nelson’s second go around with the PT lady. This one went a little better since he had some pain meds about 15min before the torture session.

We got a call from Dave (Nelson’s boss). Linda, his wife, had gotten a hospital bed when her dad lived with them before he died. So they’re going to bring it down on Monday evening. It’ll be quite a blessing to have that.

I finally came home after Nelson ate his dinner. It was very cold in the room. I was wrapped up in one of the hospital blankets. Tomorrow I’m going to dress a little warmer. Even saying that sounds crazy since it was near 100 degrees here yesterday. We had a storm in the evening and thankfully it cooled things down quite nicely!

I think I’ve mentioned with sufficient repetition that Nelson is quite the special guy. He’s not a constant romantic, but he makes a darn good effort and I appreciate all he does. From the beginning of marriage we have celebrated three anniversaries a year: the anniversary of our first date (Oct 8), the anniversary of our engagement (July 15) and our wedding anniversary (Feb 17). He never forgets these dates and always does something very sweet to commemorate them.

For about the last few weeks he’s had this sheepish grin on and kept telling me that he couldn’t wait till the July anniversary, that I was just going to love my gift. Over and over I heard this. Thursday right after dinner, we were sitting in the living room talking with our friend Mook (guy who used to work with me who got fired and now works with Nelson building the house—I feed him dinner every night…or did). All of a sudden, Nelson blurts out that he just can’t keep it a secret anymore and he hands me an envelope. I open it up and there are two tickets to the Brickyard 400 in Indianapolis (a NASCAR race) for August 6. I’m so excited!!!! I hope he’s better enough by then to go. More importantly: I hope my PO will let me go.

About church…Nelson and I had decided on Thursday that we were going to “check out” the church near us that we’ve been watching on TV together. We live in Ashland, Ohio. This just happens to be headquarters for a couple different brands of Brethren Churches. The church we were going to go to is a Brethren Church. Several people associated with the Transformation Network attend there as do several people from work, so I was thinking it would be a good place to start our search. It offers traditional, contemporary, and way contemporary services. The pastor has some thought provoking messages. Several of my seminary (and two of my most favorite) profs attend there. And it’s only a couple blocks from home—I like the idea of being able to walk to church. But….with everything that went down on Friday I didn’t get a chance to call the pastor or my PO so I will try for next Sunday and just worship from my living room before I head to the hospital.

Have a super Sunday!!!

Bad Break

Just got home a little bit ago…from the hospital. This afternoon Nelson fell off a ladder at work. They were putting up the roof trusses. They were on the next to the last one. He was only 4’ up the ladder. He came down on his left ankle, pile driving it into the ground and spinning, shattering the ankle and breaking the tibia (back leg bone) right below the knee. He couldn’t move. They took him to the ER in the squad. The ER Dr. decided to admit Nelson. Nelson is severely obese (5’9” and nearly 350#), so there’s no way he’d be mobile.

When we finally got to Nelson’s room, we finally saw the orthopedic specialist. He said that there was no way he wanted to touch Nelson’s ankle. It was that bad. He recommended a foot and ankle specialist within his group—the doc he’d want to cut on him. So Nelson is going to meet with PT in the morning to see if he can get mobile. If he can then he’ll come home and we’ll see the specialist on Monday.

The probably course of treatment will be to do some kind of stretcher thing on Nelson’s leg and ankle while they wait for the swelling to come down (about a week) and then do surgery to repair the damage the following week. Surgery will include pins and plates.

Here’s the thing… I don’t see Nelson being mobile. There is no way for him to put any weight on that ankle. So will they keep him until that doc can see him? Questions I have no answers for.

When he does finally get home, what am I going to do with him? Our bedroom is upstairs. I’m trying to figure out how to get a bed for him to sleep in. We’ll bring down the AC from our room and hang blankets on the door to the back of the house and the one going upstairs and he can just live in the living room…if I can find a bed. Beth suggested that we call a rental place. We’ll see.

Saturday morning…At midnight last night, I was finally getting tired. I was falling asleep while trying to type this so I went to bed. I didn’t sleep well—I never do when Nelson isn’t there. I woke up at my weekday-work time of 5am. And here I am trying to finish this.

When I drove home from the hospital last night, I shut the radio off and just followed my thoughts. I like to do that…I may have lots of time to do that if Nelson has to spend much time in the hospital. Right now, he’s an hour away. He’ll be farther when he has the surgery.

But back to the thoughts…It was one of those weirdly ironic things that this should happen yesterday. Buddy came back to work yesterday. I was very happy to see him. I had so many work related questions. I also had lots of wonderments as to how he was. My heart ached though to see how deflated he was. We got a few minutes to talk. He’s lost 18 pounds, he’s not sleeping, he didn’t want to be at work, but he didn’t want to stay home. The kids are doing better than he is in his opinion.

I tried to imagine what it would be like without Nelson. Nelson has been in chronic, recurringly severe, pain since August 1983 when he first injured his back. That injury just seemed to open the door to everything else getting worse. I will confess that there have been times when I told God it would be ok to take him home. I didn’t say those things with a mean spirit, but with a broken heart. It just hurts so much to see him hurt so bad.

And now this. This wound feels like a blow to me. Is that selfish? So be it. It’s where I am and how I’m feeling right now. And here’s why: Nelson doesn’t heal well—if at all. In my mind’s eye, I’m seeing Walter Brennon walking with that side hitch of his. I don’t know if he hurt, but I know Nelson will. When I think about this injury I just see another source of constant pain for my husband. And here’s another admission: I want to know why?

Well, I need to get a shower and get some things done before going to the hospital. I have to go buy a new tire for the car so that I don’t have a blowout on my way to the hospital. I wasn’t too worried driving around town until today because I knew I was going to get it replaced. But I was sure praying I’d make it home last night. I did.

If you think about it, I could use a prayer for wisdom and patience—I don’t do well with the slow “we’ll-get-around-to-it” pace that hospitals and doctors have. Steve and Rhonda are going to come help me either move Nelson home or move him to the other hospital. Thank God for friends…especially good friends with vans!

I’ll be back later to bring you an update..

Time Flies

My how time flies. Yesterday I had my 90 day review at work. I mean I knew it was coming—I’ve been watching to see how soon I get insurance. Evaluations have also been hard for me. I’m a perfectionist. To receive negative feedback was tantamount to failure to me. That is, in my former life…

Ed explained to me that the review is based on a lickert scale (0 to 5, 5 being the best you can get). He then went on to say that he never gives out 5’s and only rarely gives out a 4. Ok. I took a deep breath and told myself that a three was probably the best rating I would receive in any area. I was pleased that Ed expressed significant approval and appreciation and gave me several 3.5. When it was all averaged out, I was at about a 3.27. Not bad, not bad at all. I actually left Ed’s office feeling good about my performance and really good about how appreciated my work is.

Before the day was done I was back in Ed’s office. I had a materials dilemma and I needed to do some creative resourcing. I was out of bags and the only way to get some for Tuesday’s work was to drive to B-town to get some.

Today was just stressful. The company I order my packaging materials from just isn’t able to keep up with my needs. I did some calling and questioning and it appears that the person I deal with had been ordering based on last years figures. It seems that no one bothered to really update her on all our increases in production and packaging. Hopefully this is going to be fixed. But in the meantime I’m going to have to drive to the warehouse tomorrow (about 90minutes away) to get more bags. I’ll still be backordered but at least I’ll have bags to start the day with on Thursday.

On less stressful notes…I finished a very interesting book: Philip Yancey’s “The Bible Jesus Read.” My focus in seminary was always on the New Testament. Yancey gives some interesting viewpoints on the importance and impact of the Old Testament. Bottom line: it made me want to read more.

Food section: I have found a new yummy breakfast. I have always loved bagels and cream cheese. Yesterday at Aldi’s I found whipped cream cheese that is honey and nut (pecan) flavored. And I rediscovered a wonderful salad dressing: Marzetti’s Sweet Italian. It’s so good I ate a salad as a snack! I’m also quite pleased at another food purchase I made last night. Nelson wanted watermelon. I stood at the bins of watermelons and asked out loud, “How do you know if it’s a good one?” Fortunately, my daughter was with me to answer so that I didn’t look totally daft. We finally just grabbed one. Oh my! It was so sweet and juicy. I nibbled at little pieces while I was cutting it up and then had a few chunks for dessert. I love watermelon…but it does not love me. I spent a little time in the reading room (aka the bathroom) paying for that indulgence!

And some really good news! Last week I saw my PO. I updated her on the situation with T-Net church dissolving. She was surprised. Then she told me that I should pick a church and go. She felt that she knew me well enough to support my going to church. I was sooooo excited! So was Nelson. But we were so busy all week we didn’t sit down and discuss where we wanted to go so we ended up just watching TV church again on Sunday. We’ve talked a little more about it this week—we just don’t know what we want to do.

I guess that’s not exactly true. There are certain denominations where we wouldn’t feel comfortable theologically. We know we want to find a medium size church. Nelson just wants to be fed for a while and not feel pressured to lead. We are both in agreement about our desire for strong preaching and teaching ministries, followed by anointed worship (aka good music). Oh, and we want it here in town. We believe that we’ll be more likely to participate if we’re not having to travel to far (especially given gas prices and winter weather). And that way the people that we hope to befriend will also be close for fellowshipping purposes.

I’m thinking the first thing to do is make a list of potential churches and just start visiting. It’s not a process I relish, but it’s also a process that holds some possible excitement as we truly begin to sense God leading us again.

So, time is flying by…and that’s okay. Or at least I’m okay with it. Now if you’ll excuse me I think I’ll go finish another book…a friend in Canada sent it and it’s really quite good! I’ll review it more when I’m done.

Quite a Day

I wish I had a pedometer. I walked so much today, it would be interesting to see how far I went. I spent quite a bit of time this afternoon walking between my office, the shipping dock, the front office and the work area. I was doing the “legwork” to solve a couple mysteries. I had questions and no one in house had answers. But tenacity and openness paid off and I got all my answers!

I want to report that I have been practicing and working on the forklift. I’m still having trouble judging, but I’m getting better. Yesterday I confronted one of my fears and pulled a top stack pallet. It seemed so high up there. I sat and looked at the stack and prayed. It felt so good to accomplish that. With that feeling under my belt I decided to try something else that I had been afraid to do. I decided to try and put a basket in the stand. Sounds really easy, but it’s a struggle for even experienced forklift drivers at work. I needed a lot of spotting, but I did it! Yay!

There was a kind of dark cloud at work today. Remember the other day when I went to the shipping guy, B, who was filling in for the production manager, Ed? B is a hoot. He’s always playing tricks. He has a wonderful sense of humor and is pure orneriness. B's wife (a beautiful woman according to the picture on B’s desk and well-liked by everyone who knew her at the plant) has been battling with breast cancer for the past 7 years. Last night she finally lost the fight. My heart just aches for B. I never met his wife but I saw his eyes light up when he talked about her. The whole day I just wanted to drive out to Nelson’s work site and give him a great big hug and kiss. Instead I fixed his favorite dinner and baked chocolate chunk brownies. Sometimes it’s better to show it than just to say it.

It reminds me of a time in the last church I pastored. There was a man who had lost two wives to cancer. When he married the third woman she agreed to have a physical prior to getting married. They were quite cute together. They were married a couple months when it was discovered that she too had cancer. For a while she was in remission. They were older, in their 70’s. Their love was so obvious. They would winter in Florida and come back to our Ohio town for the summer. Her last spring the cancer came back with a vengence. They came home for a visit.

At the end of the service, people were filing out, shaking my hand and tell me how they liked the sermon. The man walked up and asked for prayer for his wife. What would you have done? There were still many people in the sanctuary, milling and talking. I gathered them together. We huddled around the couple and we prayed. I remember in that prayer praying, begging God for a miracle…even if that miracle was helping us to accept the death of this woman. I prayed that we would understand healing, and how it’s not always what we want or expect. I prayed that no matter what happened that no one, not one person, would question God, his power or his love. It was one of those times where I got lost in the praying—where I really believe the Spirit was doing the job of directing the prayer.

After she died the man sold his house and moved away. He came back to visit and he talked to me about how powerful that time, that prayer had been to both of them. I’m glad. I’m glad there was a nudge in my back and thump on my heart that prompted me to move beyond the conventional hand shake and lame promise to pray. When someone asks for prayer I pray right then. What do you do?

Would you do me a favor? Will you, right now, right there at your computer, invite the God of all comfort and consolation to envelope Buddy and his kids, and his family? They’re confused and hurting right now. Will you pray that God will keep their hearts tender and that they will find Him to be a God who will be with them in their pain, and who can not only handle, but answer all their questions?

Thanks

Abundant Blessings

I just came out to sit on the front porch to cool down. It hasn’t been like this for weeks now. The thermometer says it’s 79 degrees, but the humidity is way down and that’s so nice. Around here that’s the sarcastic retort: it’s not the heat it’s the humidity that’ll kill you. Whatever.

Annie and Penelope left yesterday afternoon. I miss the laughter already. We went to several garage sales yesterday morning. Annie was quite excited to find a bentwood rocker for only $8. It’s in really good shape and has a pad. She never had a rocker when Penelope was little and believe me, I groused a lot about that one! She loves this one and swears to use it now and with the new baby. We got some other good buys, too.

Later in the evening Beth, Nelson and I did yard work. It turned into a way for Beth to earn some gas money. She’s still between paychecks. She worked really hard mowing and trimming bushes. I was really proud of her and totally appreciated her hard work in the killer heat, er, humidity.

This morning I was sitting by the front door, listening to the birds singing. One was singing loudly, but all of a sudden got much louder. Teasingly, I told Nelson that it must be on the front porch. I stood up to look out the door and there not 10 feet in front of me was the most beautiful cardinal perched on the wrought iron pillar of the porch.

I may have to find an extension cord and sit out back on the swing to write. One of the bushes that Beth and I worked on last night is a huge honeysuckle bush beside our garage. The smell is divine. If I found a cord I sit out on the lawn swing and inhale the heavenly aroma and gaze at my gorgeous climbing roses. Oh, and my hostas have taken wonderfully! And the flowers I bought last week are thriving and beautiful. I may actually have developed a teeny tiny green thumb. Yay!

Friday was truly a no drama day at work and that made me very happy. We put 50% more production on the new line! I was very pleased. We’re still not where I want us to be—or where we need to be, but it was a significant improvement and one that we can totally build on!

It’s so still sitting here on my front porch. My Pooh flags are barely moving. A robin just ran right up to the edge of the porch and stood and looked at me. It was a very brief encounter. She nabbed a worm by one of the hostas and ran off to the tree lawn. Sitting here in the stillness, listening to the birds I am just flooded with contentment. Life is so far from what I dreamed it would be, or could be. But right now, for some totally inexplicable reason, none of that really matters. I’m totally okay with what I have.

I did something a week ago Friday that has made me smile all week long. Many of you read my entry about finding the $20 in my jeans pocket (“Way Cool God Thing” Jan. 12, 2005). Well, one of the women I work with has really been struggling financially. She came to work with us originally as a work-for-foodstamps program and was hired on full time because she’s such a good worker. She was recently released from prison after a five year sentence. She’s been wearing the clumsy toe protectors. And in spite of the challenges life had been throwing at her she maintained a really positive attitude.

Well, I asked her a week ago Thursday why she hadn’t purchased any steel toe shoes yet. She looked a bit embarrassed, so I followed up by asking if it was a money thing. She nodded. I then got even bolder. I asked her if she had the money, would she buy the shoes? She then told me definitely yes! The boots she had been wearing had been issued to her while she was in prison working on the loading docks. They had no shoes in her exact size and nothing big enough with steel toes. She wore boots that didn’t really fit, that looked like they could be steel toed to appease anyone who might do an audit of the area. So even though she might have continued the deception now, she chose to be honest and wear the toe protectors.

I proceeded to tell her the story about finding the money in my jeans and receiving a refund check at the very same time which enabled me to purchase my own steel toed shoes. Since Nelson and I are now both bringing home paychecks, I felt a real need to pay forward the $20 blessing I found in my jeans. So I asked if she’d buy the shoes. She stood there looking at me like I offered her a million bucks. We both got all teary. I brought the money in on Friday. She could barely take it when I offered it to her. Nelson was a little skeptical, but I just believed.

Monday morning she bepopped into the work area with her brand new work shoes. She came in a few minutes early to show me and give a thank you card. There was such a spring in her step all week long. When we started the new packaging plan right off the line, she was one of the people I assigned to the job. She was nervous at first, but gained confidence each day.

Life is so full of crap to bring us down. Challenges come at us right and left. Dreams go unfulfilled. Amid all that, it takes so very little to build people up. I want to be a people builder. There’s such a neat feeling that comes from seeing someone’s confidence lift.

Can I challenge you? Look for a way, a small way to build someone up this week. It’s awesome…really awesome!

Oh, and I want to report that Nelson bought me two pairs of steel toed shoes off ebay. We were able to get them for a really good price. They fit better and my feet are much happier! Just another blessing that I’m totally thankful for!

Dramaville

I went to bed around 10pm. Fitful, fish-flopping, unable to shut my brain off kind of sleep followed. It’s been horrible. So here I am at 2:45am wide awake. Not a good thing with a full day of work ahead and my last evening with Annie and Penelope.

I’m sitting here, praying and reflecting. At first, I was praying that God would just help me to sleep. Then I started asking, “Why am I awake?” I think it’s a combination of things. First, we met Rhonda (my best friend and wife of Steve who is now working with Nelson building the house) halfway between our homes/towns for dinner. I picked a Burger King in the halfway town that has a large play area so that Penelope would have a place to play. I was laughing so hard my cheeks and head hurt. But while we were enjoying all her antics I downed a couple large raspberry ice teas. So caffeine could be a part of the problem.

Another thing it could be is too much drama at work. There seems to be, inherent to the clientele I work with, a natural bent toward creating drama. But it’s not just the workers, it’s the director of the program as well. And I’ve been replaying yesterday’s drama over and over in my head—and I should be able to sleep because I’m exhausted by the whole thing.

The day started with the director of T-Net chewing the team out during their opening devotion time and then me out for production being too low, and venting about some other problems (that I had no control over). Venting barely describes the intensity of his anger (complete with a finger wagging at me—and way too close at that). He did come back and apologize, and yet even that felt like part of the drama.

I ended up talking with the acting Plant Production Manager (Ed is away this week—of course) and the CFO. They gave me a clear reality check: I am their employee and if Dan has a problem with the way things are being done, he needs to take it to the Production Manager. Their support went a long way to help get my head back into the job. Unfortunately, even though I was able to get my head back together a few team members were just not able and I felt like I spent a lot of the day “putting out fires.”

The good news is that we boosted our production yesterday, the bad news is that we may have overextended ourselves and made it hard to work today. We’ll just have to see what happens today.

Ok, I was able to go back and sleep for another hour. I think that was because I began to realize two things while I was typing this. First, Dan is bringing back the one guy who walked out in a fit of anger last month (or in April), who’s already worked here twice and not worked out. I began to wonder while I was typing if that move wasn’t a male territory kind of thing. This guy is the one that the really hard worker that Dan fired a few weeks back got into a fight with at the ministry’s transitional living apartment. A couple of the girls have a “thing” for the fired hardworking guy and Dan knows it. He and the FHG are really “pissing in each other’s oatmeal” and this has the icky feel of being another piece of that DRAMA! Ugh.

Another thing that dawned on me as dawn was quickly approaching was the possible meaning of a dream. I had been thinking about what I was going to have to do as soon as I get to work this morning: I have to set up to get a hot part out. Oh, wait I forgot to explain. In the midst of my firefighting in the afternoon, I checked my work email and found a request to get a part out because it’s “hot.” Great. So I talked it out with the team and we planned how to get it out first thing without too much disruption to our system. But in the dream I was having, I was building the wrong boxes. Now, you may have your own interpretation of the dream. What I realized and my answer came in association to the Drama of the day: I was focusing on the wrong thing and it was negatively affecting my ability to do my job.

So today, the drama gets parked at the door, no better, in the parking lot! We’re here to work. I refuse to get sucked in. I’m choosing to not go there. We WILL focus on the job!

I feel better right now. I’m still a little tired, but I think I’ll be ok. Annie and Penelope are coming for lunch today so I can show them the plant and show of my source of laughter these days. The very thought just put a huge smile on my face! So unlike yesterday when it was Dramaville and I didn’t really get any breaks or lunch—today Tina is taking lunch! Wish you all could join me.

Living in the Moment

I’m not mad, blue, pouting or hiding. I’m living in the moment. Ann and Penelope came to visit this week. It’s a whirlwind of activity once I get home and I barely fall into bed with an ounce of energy to spare!

Mom came home from the hospital this afternoon. Things are looking really good for her.

Work is hot, Hot, HOT!

Home isn’t much better, thought Nelson just put the window air conditioner in our bedroom window. If he gets the cable hooked up this could seriously become my favorite room in the house.

TTFN…Pnel just woke up from her after dinner snooze…that’s my cue to live for the moment…and play, play, play!

Surgery Update

I received a call from Mom's husband. She was done in less time than usually expected for the procedure. My aunt stopped by to visit her and said she looked pretty good and sounded well.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!!!

Full Plate

It has been an interesting, challenging, frustrating, fear-full, and exhausting kind of week.

Thursday after work I got a call from my sis who got a call from my uncle that my mother had fallen and perhaps had a brain aneurysm. After a couple of days and many, many phone calls between my siblings, children, and ex-SIL, and finally with my mother’s husband, I learned that Mom hadn’t had an aneurysm. The fall may have been the result of extreme low BP. So they have decided to put in a pacemaker. We don’t know when yet, hopefully early in the week. The really frustrating—no infuriating thing is that when she fell, she was unconscious for 10-12 minutes and during that time her husband (not my dad) and he didn’t call the squad. I nearly lost my mother and he didn’t call.

Friday was a very important day at work. We had a meeting with the company who holds the contract for our packaging—big company. Important people came to the meeting. We had done a major cleaning at the end of work on Thursday. I told them to clean like their grandma was coming to visit. They understood and the area looked great when they were done. One of the first things that happened was a tour of the plant and when the group descended on our area our work team really shone! I was so proud of them!!! And made sure they knew it.

At the end of the meeting Mr. R tried to explain how important this contract is to the team and the community. I spoke up and gave personal testimony to what a blessing this job really is. Later the HR manager stopped me to tell me how powerfully I spoke. I thanked him. Just a few minutes later Mr. R stopped me and assured me that both our company and the contract company were extremely pleased with the job we’ve been doing. Mr. R went on to tell me how much he appreciates what I’ve been doing, and what I did in that meeting. He told me that the company was not going to waste my talents. He said I would go far for the company. I wanted to ask what he meant, but just accepted the compliment and went home. It really felt good: both to be complimented, but also to just have that meeting over with!!!

Saturday I worked with 4 others. We got a lot accomplished today. We finished packaging a part and prepped for Monday. I was very pleased.

After work Nelson and I had lunch and then did some shopping. I ended up with some sandals that fit, a couple of flowers for my front porch and a trellis for the climbing rose I resurrected in the back yard. We had a good time together.

This morning I got an email from my uncle stating that Mom will be getting her pacemaker today (10:30 their time/1:30 my time). He also sent an email with an addy that explains the procedure. It’s a “minor” operation. Of course, I’ve always felt that minor surgery is what happens to someone else, not someone you love.

You know when things fly at you as fast as things have been flying here, it’s hard to reflect. At least it is for me. I’ve had some fleeting thoughts about stuff. Like, wouldn’t we all be better off if we had a spiritual pacemaker inserted? Then, like with my mom, when our spiritual life dips low we would get a zap to bring it back into line.

As for the meeting…I was really uncomfortable going into the meeting. I used to spend a lot of time in meetings. I was very active in supervision and management. My opinion was sought and respected. I never really enjoyed the meetings…I’m way to restless to sit still. This was the first time in 4 years I was invited to a meeting. The first time in 4 years my opinion was truly sought and respected. Then to run into Mr. R and have him put his arm around me and tell me what he did. I remember feeling nervous throughout the day, undeserving of the attention, and fortunate to have the opportunity to share. Then there was a moment in the midst of it all when deep in my heart, in that inner spot where God speaks to me, that I sensed not a word from God, but a smile—that kind of parental pride smile when your child gets it and love is overwhelming. I think that was the bestest moment of the day.

Then this morning, I was sitting alone when I read the email from my uncle. And I was overwhelmed with a sense of the seriousness of these days with mom. My dad died in 89 and since that time my relationship with my mom has become very, very special to me—to us both. My family is extremely dysfunctional, not close at all. My grandparents are all gone, My dad was an only child and I don’t know anyone on his side of the family. I’m really only “close” to Mom’s sis and BIL, and they have no children. I was sort of hit by a feeling of aloneness—a sort of orphan-type feeling. That was icky…and the lowest part of my weekend.

So that’s how things are going here. My plate is full. And hopefully, things will slow down soon enough to let me catch my breath and reflect a little more.

Friends Don't

I like cappuccino. I like it enough to stop and get the gas station knock off. We aren’t important enough to have Starbucks and the two coffee cafes in town are rich for my pocket.

Something happened yesterday that reminded me of a cappuccino moment from a few years ago. I had drunk a cappuccino from a gas station early in the morning. The cup had one of those tabs on the lid that you flip up and secure to the rest of the lid. There was foam on my tab and unbeknownst to me, I walked around all day with cappuccino foam on the end of my nose. I didn’t find it until it was almost time to go home when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t believe my “friends” let me go around that way all day. Fortunately, I didn’t have any important meetings that day. Just several clients and a couple groups.

I remembered that time yesterday when I bent down to pick up some boxes and realized that my zipper fly was totally gaping open. I had used the bathroom at lunch and didn’t find my gapingness until nearly 2:30 in the afternoon. I was embarrassed. And I was a little hurt.

Now, it’s a given that I’m a little weird, but if I notice that someone has cappuccino foam on their nose or their fly is open, I’m going to let them know. I don’t derive any twisted pleasure from someone else’s goof.

What would you do?

Okay, here’s another question. Someone actually asked me this question on Sunday. What authors of this current time/age will make enough of an impact that they will still be quoted and impacting people in 2500AD? I thought it was a good question. Who do you think?

Well, I’m going to do a little stuff around the house…I’ll be back to check out your answers.

Next Chapter

I’m sad. But it’s not a “crying” kind of sad. It’s a grieving sort of sad. I went to “worship” alone today. Nelson had fallen asleep on the couch (sitting up so as to avoid hurting either his back or his sunburn) and even though I made noise that could have woke him up, he stayed asleep. So I snuck out the back door and went alone.

When I arrived only the “leader” was present. We started out having a light conversation about our week—sort of an accountability check in. Then he began to describe the prayer time the extended group had on Monday evening last week. During the prayer time, Jim came to believe that it was time to end the Sunday morning gathering. The group had dwindled down to where it was basically Nelson and I and the leader couple, Jim and Cheryl. It hadn’t felt “worshipful” since before Easter. It just seemed “time” to let it go.

Jim and I went on to have a really interesting conversation, but it was all head stuff. I was afraid to get too close to heart stuff because I knew I was on the verge of tears and I just didn’t want to go there. I heard myself saying that I had been anticipating this event, and that given the way God had been so clearly leading in our lives over the past months, I was sort of excited about what direction we would be heading into now.

Sort of. What else could I say? Last year when my PO told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to attend church without a pastoral intervention and then having that pastor decide that he couldn’t “put his congregation at risk by allowing me to be present” left me feeling extremely discouraged and defeated. For all it wasn’t, the T-Net “worship group” at least filled the Sunday morning void. Now what?

When I got home, Nelson and I discussed the meeting. He wasn’t too surprised. His question too was “now what?” He listed out a few options, none of which was very appealing. The first was a nearby local congregation. We’ve watched the services on TV. But I was aware that the congregation wasn’t open to working with “my kind.” A second option was the Nazarene Church in a nearby town whose pastor we met with a couple months ago. The pastor and wife were college friends of ours and the way they described the ministry of the congregation was somewhat appealing, but neither Nelson nor I want to go back into the legalistic constraints of the Nazarene Church. A third option is the Wesleyan Church that our friend Steve (who is also working with Nelson on the house project). Steve knows the generalities of my situation. He’s never asked the particulars (details), it wasn’t an issue for him. We would be welcome there. Only problem is that it’s about forty miles away. With gas prices, it’s just not a financially feasible or appealing option.

Nelson just came to the bedroom to see what I was doing. Normally I would just sit in the living room and write, but I just needed to be alone to process through this. Here’s how the conversation went:
N: Why is God so mean to us?
T: God isn’t mean.
N: Then why is He putting us through this?
T: Maybe he wants us to trust Him to lead us and depend on Him.
N: Then He has 6 ½ days to tell us where to go to church next Sunday. And in all our lives God hasn’t worked that fast.
T: I don’t know why God is being so mean.
N: (as he walked away) Well, have fun processing that.

I don’t think God is being mean. I’m just confused. I ache to be in worship. And by that I mean a time with other believers where there is praise and preaching, that is powerful, encouraging, challenging, uplifting, and empowering. I am hungry for teaching, to sit and learn from another student of the word. I need more than the radio and the TV—but I am thankful for both of those.

I am sad, but I am hopeful—albeit a weak hopeful right now—it is still hope!

Well, I think I’m going to go hunt up some sustenance for my physical being so that I might continue to process in my spirit.

Authorized

But not confident or competent. I was so terribly intimidated when I got up on the tow motor. I was really hoping that the other guys would go back to work and not watch me, but alas my pitiful skills were observed by all. Sigh. The good news is that I didn’t run into anything or break anything! What I’m going to do is practice, practice, practice! That’s the best way to build confidence…for me anyway.

We were scheduled to work overtime today. I was going to have 4 people plus myself. Then yesterday one person (the new girl) backed out. That left four of us—less than ideal but still doable. I picked the one gal up from the jail (she’s on work release) and one other guy showed up when we arrived. That left one more to show up. But he didn’t. There is no way we could package parts with just three of us. Well, that’s not exactly true, but we wouldn’t have put out any quantity. So we made boxes instead, boxes for parts and cartons with all the appropriate labels to put the boxes in. We got a lot accomplished.

That’s the good news. The bad news is that we aren’t supposed to just make boxes. Mr. R showed up (owner of the company) on an errand not necessarily related to “checking up” on us. He saw we only had three workers. Next thing I knew, Ed was there. That wasn’t a good thing. We talked. I told him that I knew we weren’t supposed to just make boxes. T-Net gets paid for packaged parts—only! I told him that I felt that I shouldn’t punish those who showed up because someone else didn’t. Ed assured me that I did the right thing. Little consolation, really. We briefly discussed the need for more workers and the possibility of using college students. We need to do something since we got about 5000 more parts in on Friday afternoon.

Beth was hired as a server at Applebees. She starts training on Tuesday. The pay isn’t any better, but the restaurant is only about 5minutes from home, as opposed to 22miles.

Nelson finally started work on the “house”—the main incentive and reason we moved here nine months ago. The first day out there, setting floor joists was Thursday. It was a pretty day: sunny and seventy. Only trouble was he wasn’t thinking and wore a sleeveless t-shirt. Oh my, the sunburn is bad. We’ve been putting aloe on it. Last night he was awake most the night. His back was bothering him badly and so were his arms. There just was no getting comfortable. Amazingly, I slept through it. He’s napping on the couch right now.

Ok. Enough chattering. I mostly wanted to report that I made it through forklift training. I’ll try to write something more substantial later. TTFN

Murphy Day

Yesterday felt like a Murphy Day. You remember Murphy’s Law don’t you? “Anything thing that can go wrong, will.” It seemed like every stack of boxes I touched fell over. I had one employee get sick and have to leave. Another informed me that she had to leave a half hour early. We working very diligently to get a booger of a part out. At a certain point we needed more of the part boxes brought up to be made. I told the guy where they were. He came back and asked again where to find them. I went with him to the exact spot they were to be in, only to find there weren’t any. After a little hunting, I found that I hadn’t received my whole order and what I needed to complete the packaging of that order was on back order—but will arrive today. Sigh.

We did get a new employee, but I’m not sure how long she’ll last. She did a great job of making boxes. Everyone is very concerned about her working out—because she’s five months pregnant and only 18. We’ll just have to see.

I got my hand smacked. I got a page to call Ed’s office, but I was pretty close, so I went in person. He and B (Shipping Manager who’s worked at the plant for 25 years) were working on something. B told me I was “in for it now.” They’re so ornery. I was supposed to remind Ed to schedule tow motor training. I thought he said for next week. Nope, today. So he gave me a playful smack. They’re such goof balls. So hopefully Murphy takes the day off today—or it could get pretty messy! LOL.

I now have email and internet access on my computer at work. I don’t think I’ll have much time to do anything personal with it. I’m just not in my office that much. It will be nice to be updated on memos and shipments though!!!

When Beth got home yesterday she had a message to call the manager at Applebees. She has an interview there this afternoon. She’s pretty excited. She’s sore, scraped, and blistered from her week at the factory. Not even a week. Just three days. She was very willing to go job hunting today. I think the experience turned out to be very motivating for her. We’ll see.

Oh, and I'm very special. I was the first felon in my county to comply with the new federal law. All convicted felons have to add their DNA profile to the federal registry. We tried to do this at my visit on Tuesday, but the PO realized that there were some things missing (like the thumb print pad and a witness) so I had to come back. It really didn't feel all that special. It was just another shame based reminder. Fortunately, I was able to bounce back up and enjoy more Murphyisms at work. What a day!

Well, I better head my face toward work. If you hear something crash, it’s just probably something I knocked over…trouble is that it’ll be more than boxes today. My team has decided they think they should get the day off—as a safety precaution. They’re really funny!

Oh well here I go----beep, beep beep!

Beyond Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed.

For most of my life I could not admit when I felt overwhelmed. It’s not that I didn’t feel it—I knew what it felt like, I just wasn’t allowed to tell anyone else. The worst person to tell would be my boss or supervisor. It would be admitting limitation, which is tantamount to admitting failure.

Not being able to recognize my limitations was part of what set me up for my poor choices in 2001. I was living like SuperWonderWoman…or trying to. I could tell I was failing and falling, but I kept moving faster and faster, hoping that somehow I would figure out a way to make things okay. Didn’t happen. Instead the world and life came to a grinding halt, a horrible crash.

I couldn’t…I wouldn’t go there again. There was and is no reason to. I have created a really good system. We have been extremely productive—when we have a full crew working. I’ve only had a full crew one day. I lost a really good worker last week. The 21yr old who gives me fits and ulcers is have her tonsils out tomorrow and is going to milk the recovery for two weeks. And my best worker, my right hand man, didn’t show up for work and Dan is going to fire him from the T-Net work program. I’m really sick about that one.

So this morning, knowing that I was going to be seriously short staffed, I looked out over the sea of orders waiting to be packaged and I felt severely overwhelmed. I could feel the tears knocking at the back of my eyes. I was swallowing down sobs. How was I going to get all these orders out?

Ed walked up. Ed is a great supervisor. I feel abundantly blessed to have Ed as my supervisor. He took one look at me and could tell I was distressed. He suggested we take a walk. I told him that I was feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. I offered to work extra, off the clock, but I still didn’t think we could catch up. I told him that I knew that the issue was that we were short 3-4 people and without them we wouldn’t be able to make the goal of 2000 parts a day, or 10, 000 a week.

We talked for a while. I felt a smidgen better. The crew worked hard today and got out over 1700 parts. Not bad for only 6 of them and one of me—and I’m getting called here and there all the time. I’m praying that Dan has a change of heart about letting the one guy come back. Tomorrow someone new starts. Tomorrow Beth (my 21yr old daughter who got fired from her job on Sunday) will be working with us.

So hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. Today wasn’t too bad. I faced down an emotional demon. I admitted I’m human. It didn’t necessarily feel good, but it felt great. I mean realizing limitations isn’t a real high spot…old habits die hard. But die it did and it’s good to know I don’t have to go down that road again.

This may not make as much sense to anyone but me…and oddly enough, I’m really okay with that.

Further Reflections on A&W

I was thinking some more about our time at the A&W yesterday. Nelson tells me that this was one of the original A&W’s. It is located on the road between Ashland and Wooster. I may have to do some research on that one. (Research done…husband is sitting on the couch cracking up that I would have actually believed his bunch of hooey…when will I ever learn….)

It’s one of the old fashioned stands. You pull in and when you’re ready to order you turn your lights on. All it was missing was roller skates on the gals waiting on the cars.

The wonderment that kept coming back to me was that we appeared to be the youngest couple there. Someone mentioned to me that was probably too early a time for anyone younger to be there. 2 in the afternoon? I think it does have something to do with time, but not the time of day as much as the time it takes to get your food.

We are such an instant people. I think I remember this statistic correctly: we don’t like to wait longer than thirty-seven seconds to be waited on at places like McDonalds. 37 seconds. We want instant service at WalMart or the grocery, or the bank. We want instant food. Microwaves are barely fast enough. We expect the food we order in restaurants to be instantly whisked out to our tables..

We want quick fixes to relationships. We want instant healing. We want to lose weight quickly (Have you seen the commercial where the guy in the gym weighs himself and then runs around the equipment once and expects to see some loss when he gets on the scales?). We want our news now. So much so we can get updates on our phones and pagers—which are just other evidences our instant fetish: don’t wait to reach me when I’m home to call, reach me where ever I am. And then there’s the ever-present Instant Messaging.

Sometimes I wonder if that ‘s why I don’t feel out of sync. I can keep up the fevered pitch at work, but when I’m at home I just want to SLOW down and savor the moments. It’s funny one of the things that slowed me down was when I was on a diet last year. To make the meals more appealing and appetizing I found different ways to marinate the chicken Marinate, the very process takes time. The longer the meat is marinated the more juicy and delicious the end product.

Love takes time. I am deeply concerned about couples who don’t take the time to give love a chance to help them work through their differences. Many couples, products of the instant and disposable age we live in, move directly from problems to divorce without ever attempting to work through the matters before them.

As I write this, I’m sitting in my chair in the living room looking through the dining room and into the kitchen. It’s a little like looking at a snapshot of my life. There are projects in process: Nelson is stripping the paint from the wood work in the living room, the wall paper is half removed in the living room and started in the dining room. There is a piece of paneling in the dining room and a ceiling panel out in there too. Two bins of cross stitch stuff are taking up room between here and there (gifts from my SIL/friend Rhonda—because she no longer wanted them). And the kitchen is a project begging to be done. There amidst the projects is a collection of old antiques and new modern equipment. All symbolic of the tension I live with.

So I will keep going back to the A&W because I like the root beer and because it helps me slow down, breathe, appreciate, reflect, and enjoy life.

Sweet Saturday

I feel very blessed. Very loved. Thank you.

Thursday when Nelson came home from work he was as low as I had ever seen him. He was very edgy. Very negative. His mood immediately put me into “eggshell” mode. When he called me earlier to tell me he was on his way home, I asked what he wanted for dinner. His first response was Bourbon Chicken. I took that to mean dinner at Golden Corral—one of our favorite buffet restaurants where they serve a yummy Bourbon Chicken. When I checked that assumption out, his response was Bourbon Chicken, hold the chicken. My husband was quite wild man in his teens: lots of booze and lots of drugs to escape the inner turmoil and pain. He hasn’t done that in our 26+ years of marriage. I clearly heard him say he was on the bottom.

All evening I was guarded in my responses and interactions. Finally, Nelson asked me what was up and I told him that I could sense his anger was ready to erupt (depression, afterall is anger turned inward—one definition). He apologized and told me that he would do his best to pull out of the funk.

When he woke up Friday morning, he informed me that he was no longer depressed and as best he was able (as best a 350lb man can), he leapt out of bed. He was much more pleasant when he got home and today has been lots of fun. (I don’t know how long it will last, but I’m going to ride the wave while I’ve got it!)

I had the opportunity to work overtime today. We are just buried in parts to package and the operations manager offered half day for the team. They work about 35 hours during the week, so the can do 5 hours on Saturday without going into overtime. The plant just had to pay me overtime. We got a lot accomplished! It was neat that once again they allowed me to open and close the plant by myself. Last time we worked on a Saturday, both the operations manager and the company owner stopped in to check on us. Today no one checked on us. That felt good.

I got home about 12:30. And then Nelson and I hit a few garage sales. We ate lunch at the A&W here in town. While we were eating I was looking around at all the cars around us. The placed was packed and we were there about 2pm. Everyone there was much older than us. It was weird. We felt like kids. Good food. Good soda. And good feeling young!

We relaxed in the afternoon. Spent a little time with the younger daughter before she went to visit her boyfriend. Nelson decided he wanted Chinese buffet for dinner. I didn’t eat much. I mostly enjoyed my pot of tea. When we were done eating it was about 8pm and Nelson suggested that we just take a drive in the country. It was sooooooo nice! We meandered down country roads for about an hour.

It was just a really nice day together. We tried to get together with friends, even contacted my sister. Everyone had plans. So we were “forced” to be together. And it was truly fun!

And now I’m ready for bed.

Eeyoresque

I’m starving. Really craving. And the sustenance I am in desperate need of is something I crave even more than chocolate. It’s human contact.

I think I’m a smidgen blue. It’s not depression. Just sort of melancholy. Yep that’s it, just a temporary case of the Eeyore’s.

I love my online friends. There are people here who make me smile, they sometimes really do make me laugh right out loud. I eagerly reach for the computer to read about how their day has gone, what’s the latest piece of challenge that they’re facing. I weep with them too. Their sadness breaks my heart. Some challenge me to think deeper and love more honestly. I treasure them.

I work so much and fill my evenings with computer time. I don’t have church friends, since the group we meet with is extremely small (usually only two other couples) and their lives are busy with their families and work.

I enjoy the people I work with, but they aren’t my friends. I talk occasionally with my ex-sis in law/best friend Rhonda, but her life is quite busy and scheduling time together is tough.

I guess tonight I’m just feeling a little lonely. Nelson has been so discouraged lately that it’s been hard to even be around him without feeling like I have to be careful about what I say or do.

I’m sure it will pass. But in the meantime, a real hug would sure feel nice. A face to face conversation or laughter with a friend would just do my heart good. Perhaps I’ll just go take a walk, listen to the birds and smell the flowers. We’ll see.

Just thought I’d let you know how I was feeling tonight. TTFN.

Nelson and Fritters

Why I don’t bash my husband.
Nelson is an amazing man. He’s got so many talents and abilities. He can fix about anything. He can build just about anything. I want him on my team for Trivial Pursuit because he knows a little about everything.

He can look at a pile of wood and see what he needs to make, or be asked to make something and know exactly how much wood or whatever it’s going to take without even drawing a plan. That astounds me.

He also knows me. It’s not that: I’ve got you all figured out kind of knowing. He’ll be the first to tell you he hasn’t been able to figure me out—as if that were possible. Nor I him. Each week there’s at least one conversation that ends with: You’re kidding I never knew that about you…

And about apple fritters…
Once upon a time…This occurred pretty early in our life together. The girls were little. We lived in Medina. I was an assistant pastor and teacher at a Christian school. Being that busy my house didn’t always have that freshly cleaned look—it wasn’t a pig sty, but clutter ruled big time.

So one day I was having the worst day—the kind nightmares are made of. I was supposed to hostess some kind of in-home party thing. Work was awful. I knew I would get home just in time for the party. I knew Nelson didn’t really have work that day. I was thinking to myself: it would be so nice if Nelson just did the dishes. Back in that day it wouldn’t happen. My mind began to run with the fantasy. It would be even nicer if he found a sitter for the girls. It would be so cool if he’d take me to ChiChi’s for dinner.

I shook my head and brought my mind back to reality. The only thing that this day really needed was one of the killer apple fritters from the bakery a couple blocks from the house. To this day I’ve had none better. Bad days are still referred to as “Apple Fritter” days. If he would just bring me an apple fritter I’d somehow deal with the rest.

I walked into my house and just stood there and wept. Not only had he done the dishes, but he actually pushed the vacuum around the living room. The house was quiet, peculiar thing with two active girls under 5. He informed me that they were spending the evening with a sitter and he had planned to take me to ChiChi’s for dinner—if that was okay? Okay?! Through my tears I barely squeaked out that the only thing that would make this better is if he would have gotten me an apple fritter. He walked to the kitchen and came back with a white bakery bag containing the hugest apple fritter I had every seen.

We’ve been able to surprise each other over the years by seeming to read the other’s mind. And other times we’ve just really missed the mark. The Apple Fritter day miracle has stood as a shining example of how really connected we are. Because of how special that was, we realize that we need to nurture that connection—and we do!

And he loves me.
This one gets me each time I think about it. Yes, he’s committed to me and committed to commitment. But that’s not what amazes me. It’s how he looks at me. Sometimes I catch him sort of staring at me with this “look.” In his eyes I’m beautiful. I don’t see it. I tease him that he needs his glasses adjusted. Sometimes he doesn’t get how I can’t see it. I don’t have to. I just need to see that he sees it and then believe that it’s true. No matter how I’ve screwed up, he keeps loving me.

So those are some of the reasons I can’t bash my husband. That’s not to say he doesn’t make me crazy. He does. I mean, he’s a man after all. He doesn’t take care of himself like he should. I ache to see how he hurts. He’s stubborn. He has a temper. He is a pack rat. He doesn’t always put things away. But all those are blips on the radar, barely worth mentioning compared to overwhelming good stuff that is totally lavished upon my life on a regular basis.

His body is breaking down, wearing out. He often tells me that he’ll be lucky to live another five years. Sometimes I see a different kind of ache in his eyes. An ache for heaven—where there’ll be no more pain. Selfishly I would keep him forever, but I confess I’ve told God that if He wants to take him, it’s okay with me because I just hardly can stand to see him hurt any more.

I know this: if Nelson dies, I think I’ll probably not remarry. I mean, how could I? How could I do that to another person? Those would be some seriously HUGE boots to fill. I’m blessed and I know it and I don’t mind saying it!

Feeling Good

Well, I did it. It’s been really warm this week at the factory. I was wearing my hair pulled back off my face. No real style, just function: keep it off my face! I hadn’t had it cut since right before Annie’s wedding last September. It was down to my shoulders. But my hair is so baby fine and thin that if put it in a “ponytail” it was just laughable.

So I went hunting on the internet for a short hairstyle. This is the one I found that I liked http://www.short-hairstyles.com/short/s20.htm Trouble was that when I went to connect my laptop to the printer I couldn’t print. When Nelson reformatted my hard drive recently he didn’t reload the printer. I almost didn’t go. I knew what the picture/cut looked like but sometimes I think that stylists hear a different language. I was afraid of what I might get.

I went to “Famous Hair” to get my hair cut. I have been there twice now and I am very impressed. The stylist took a lot of time to listen to my explanation. She was a little older, so she understood when I said I didn’t want all the flippy stuff that is so popular with the kids these days. I needed a more mature cut. Sheesh, did I feel old!

She did a fabulous job!!!!!! My hair doesn’t look exactly like the picture, but it would be hard to get that kind of fullness on my head without some kind of hair transplant. But it’s similar. I really like it. Nelson gave his approval—even though he would rather it be long. Beth told me it looked really cute too. It’s going to be so easy to take care of and so much cooler at the factory. I’m really pleased.

It’s a quiet Saturday here. Nelson and I hit some garage sales. Found some good deals and only bought what we “needed.” Then we went grocery shopping. Lots of healthy eats. After that we had lunch at the Ponderosa Buffet. It was good and I behaved myself. I took a couple bites of my dessert and then just opted to have a second cup of coffee. That felt good.

Nelson is napping now. We’ll probably pull out the Scrabble board and watch the race. All in all, a very good day!

Spicy Smiles

The last two days I have been more of a supervisor at work. That’s not to say I haven’t built my share of boxes or that I’ve been avoiding the line. It’s just that in the past two days I have done more telephoning and arranging of things. I’ve walked the length of the factory countless times stopping often in the Production Manager’s office and hiking all the way to shipping and receiving. (Have I mentioned that I’ve lost 15lbs!!!)

Today I was waiting on a shipment of boxes. I ordered them on Friday morning. I needed them—no, I REALLY needed them. I was running out of parts to package on one line and had lots of parts but no boxes on the other. So after weeks of trying to get them to speed up their production, I was now telling them to take it easy. I thought I was going to have to either send them home early or give them a very long lunch break. When what to my wondering (and waiting) eyes should appear but a very full semi pulling onto the dock! I was so happy! We were able to keep working and put out over 2400 parts today!

I was sitting here typing my first paragraph when the phone rang. I figured it was probably going to be Annie with a report of the latest achievement for baby Nel. I was wrong. It was Nel…Nelson. He was calling me from the backyard on his cell asking me to come out and help him start the mower. I shook my head and laughed. How did we ever survive before cell phones?

We weren’t able to get our mower running. It’s been temperamental for a couple of seasons. I remembered that the landlord had left a mower in the garage. Nelson gave it a few tugs and he was off to the races. He’s mowing the lawn. Anyone care to identify what’s wrong with this picture? Here’s a clue for those who are new to my life: lawn mowing is one of my favorite things to do. He didn’t even ask. I guess it’s okay though. We could have lost a small child in the backyard and never known it, it was so incredibly long back there. He has much more patience with that and the way the mower cuts out in that long stuff. So I’ll let him have the first cut. I’ll even thank him for being so kind to me. Then we’ll see who mows next!

Nelson called on his way home. He’s been really depressed lately. He suffers from chronic low-grade depression (dysthymia). Over the years he’s been on different meds and also sought counseling. I can generally tell when he’s moving from discouragement to depression, and generally notice it long before he admits it. I’ve seen this bought coming. I hadn’t caught the severity of it, however, until he looked at me and said he was wondering if he should check himself into a hospital. He decided against it since my insurance hadn’t kicked in and it was just too depressing to think about creating such a huge medial bill.

One of the things that Nelson does when he’s depressed is eat. This seems to offer a momentary relief which is soon overtaken by the guilt and remorse that comes from being morbidly obese. His drivetime call was to see what I wanted for dinner. At first he suggested Arby’s. I was okay with that. Then he called back and suggested BW3 (Buffalo Wild Wings). We had never been so I agreed. My mouth is still burning! It was .30 wing night so we got 10 wings. I ate one with Hot Barbque. My nose started running! My main course was a Caribbean Jack Chickenlito. It was also hot, but quite yummy. It’s definitely a place that I would like to try again. Nelson enjoyed his hot food and a bleu cheese burger almost as much as he enjoyed sitting in front of the huge screen TV watching Sports Center on ESPN. He smiled. I enjoyed that!

Well, he’s done mowing the lawn and I want to give him some special attention tonight, so, I’ll be signing off for a while. I hope there are spicy smiles in your evening as well!

Mother's Day

Saturday night I called my mom and read her what I had written. I was crying before I was done and so was she. I wanted to read it to her so she could hear the inflections where I wanted them. It was very special.

Nelson and I are very concerned for Annie and Trav. They just haven’t learned how to communicate with one another. They store up all their emotions, especially their anger, and then explode on one another. We wanted to just scoop Ann and Pnel up and bring them home. Nelson was fearful of what Trav might be saying when he wasn’t around, based on what he heard when he was there! After we left they had a huge fight and Ann ended up going to a friend’s house with Pnel. She’s home now.

We know that they care for one another. They just need help. Nelson and I talked about it last night and again over lunch today. We decided to offer to pay their way to a Marriage Encounter/Enrichment weekend and would even go along if that would help them feel more comfortable. Annie’s going to talk to Trav about it. Nelson and I went to one of these weekends after we’d been married a few years. Early on Mr. Wonderful used to put me down terrible, especially in front of other people. In that weekend he learned what he was doing to me and there was a huge change in him. He slips occasionally, but it’s rare and quite the exception.

Nelson got me a sweet little gift for Mother’s Day. He bought me the Bullet (as seen on TV) off of Ebay. He’s already made me guacamole (one of my most favorite foods in the world) and a strawberry milkshake for dinner! Mmmmmm. It was a gift for me, but I imagine he’ll use it bunches more than me.

Well, that was my day. I hope yours was as sweet!

Mothers' Day Thoughts

(Here's what I'm going to send my mom for Mothers' Day)

Mothers’ Day Thoughts


Hey there! (This is how I always answer when she answers the phone...it's how she knows it's me.)
I went to the store the other day and one of the items on my list was a Mother’s Day card for you. I read a few and was not very much impressed with any of them. So I decided to write something personal for you instead. It’s cheaper and will hopefully mean a lot more (if I can get the thoughts rambling around my brain down on paper).

This is typically a day of gift giving. I remember many of the gifts that my girls gave me over the years. None of them cost very much, but they all meant so much because they took the time, made the effort. I was thinking about Annie’s journey into motherhood and wondered if I should give her a gift, too. Maybe I’ll write her a letter, too. Anyway, I hope you will accept the gift of my thoughts and words.

So while I was thinking of gifts, I started thinking of the very special and unique gifts that you have given me and I decided that I wanted to thank you for the precious gifts I have received from you!

You gave me a love of music.
**I remember one time going with you to rehearse a song you were singing at a church, in Milan I think. I was so impressed. You planted a seed of hunger for singing.
You gave me a love of theater.
*This gift came in two forms. You not only introduced me to stage productions, you planted the seed that craves the lights, the lines, and play!
You gave me a love of words.
*Hours of watching you and Dad play Scrabble and pages and pages of crosswords later we find ourselves planted in front of a Scrabble board mining words and having a wonderful time!
You gave me a love of fine food.
*I remember you eating crab legs. Nah, you didn’t eat them, you savored them. Good food was a special treat and you celebrate it. Now, so do I.
You taught me perseverance.
*I absolutely get my tenacity, my dogged determination, from you.
You taught me the importance completing a task.
*I wish I had a dollar for every time you said that if I was going to do something, I should do it right!
You showed me how to love and support your husband.
*We were never unloved, but we knew who really held your heart. His work took him away, but you plugged on.
You listened and let me dream.
*I’m surprised my rear end isn’t permanently flat from all the hours I spent sitting on the footstool in front of you or on the counter while you worked in the kitchen.

But most of all you showed me how to go on when everything in life seemed to be coming to an end. And you loved me and encouraged me to keep going when I thought my world was over.

These are gifts for which no card, or flowers, or trinket can compare. I celebrate them this Mothers’ Day…and I celebrate you.

I love you bunches and a lot!
T