Murphy Returns

It's Wednesday morning. I woke up at 3:40. I can't sleep. It's going to be a long day. They've all been long lately.

Monday, Murphy visited again, but got personal. I tried to keep my joy, but it wasn't easy. Early in the morning the Shipping and Receiving Team Leader reminded me that we didn't have any pallets. They were to come on the last truck run that was cancelled because of rain on Friday. I tossed him my car key and told him to run to the other plant, grab half a dozen and throw them in the back of my Mountaineer. He tossed the keys back and shared a different plan of taking materials off the ones there and using them. Life went on. Until I needed the key to run an errand. It was nowhere to be found.

I had four people tear the office apart--that's in addition to me. We scoured the work area and even opened up skids of packaged parts, just in case I set them down. That key was not willing to be found. I tried several times to get Nelson by cell, but he never turned his phone on. By the time I got someone at R Company to get a message to call me it was almost 2:00. I was counselled to call a dealer, give them my VIN# and they could get me a key. Good advice, except that would only work back to 98 and my car is a 97. (Insert weak smirky sort of smile)

Fortunately, we have AAA plus. They would send a locksmith and I would be covered for $50 of the cost to get him to make me a new key. Now I just needed Nelson to call back and tell me what to do. He called after 3:30. I call roadside service and the soonest the locksmith could be there was 6:30. Great. He's coming from about an hour away. If I use a local locksmith I loose the AAA benefit. So I sit and wait.

At first I waited in the building. I had my Palm with scrabble on it. I had a good book. I would be okay. At 6:00 I go out to the car, just in case he's early. I need to keep my cell at my side because he could call, but I'm down to one power bar and find out that my charger is broken. While I'm fiddling with that the sky opens up in an absolute delluge. I couldn't believe it. In that moment I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The locksmith arrived at 6:15. The rain stopped. He was a very nice man. In two hours he took apart my door panal and made me two keys. I was home by 8:15.

Yesterday at work my office Team Leader didn't show up. Her aunt finally called me around noon to tell me that M was in the ER. M called later in the day: she has a gall stone that needs to be surgically removed, but she has no insurance. They recommend that she go to Akron for the surgery.

At one point I needed some copies made. I lifted the lid to the copier and there at the side was my key. I thought I had tossed it into my purse, tore my purse apart several times. I guess it knew it needed to be copied. Funny thing is that several of us made copies on Monday and never saw it.

Last night I worked at Curves. Afterwards I went out with the manager and owners and had a really nice time. Being with them just made me want to buy a Curves ten times more than before.

Today is a ten hour day in the factory. I got up way too early for that. I think I'll be ready for bed tonight. Now it's time to get ready to go work out. I feel a little like the guy in the old Dunkin Donuts commercial: Time to make the donuts. (Watch me trudge out almost robotically.)

A couple of weeks ago during breakfast with my prayer partner, she shared a piece of wisdom with me that had been recommended to her: Don't let anyone steal your weather. That's my challenge today. Don't let anyone or anything steal yours!

Moving Day

I just drank my supper. No, it wasn't one of those tasteless protein shakes. For some reason the only thing I wanted for supper was a rootbeer float. So Nelson stopped at our local rootbeer stand and got me one. It was lalicious.

I think that the reason that I wasn't hungry is that I am absolutely exhausted. Today was moving day. We had planned to move our entire packaging program to our new site today. Planned, aka hoped. Unfortunately, Murphy came to dwell among us. Fortuneately, we were able to keep going in spite of all his attempts at defeat.

First thing this morning, the trucking firm that we going to be using to transport parts from the factory where they are manufactured (and where we were) showed up with a 16' truck. We had opted to go with them and their 24' truck because, though it was smaller, we were assured that we could drive a forklift onto the truck and since the price was comparable to the company with the full size semi, we went with the smaller company to build our new relationship. The 16' foot truck they came with held very few pallets and we had to load it with a handcart.

While this was going on, I was trying to reach Dan. He had gone to a community-wide ministerial breakfast. I was under the impression that he would be there shortly after 8AM. He didn't leave the breakfast until after 9AM. When he got to the place where he was going to pick up a second moving truck (smaller but free---we were going to use it to move furniture) they informed him that the truck was in the shop getting new brakes. They were completely unapologetic about it, also. So Dan went and borrowed a pickup which we used to move several loads.

The transport company then decided to switch to a "flatbed" truck. I agreed to that thinking that they were going to bring a full-sized flat bed semi. Nope. They showed up with a 24' flatbed. My shipping and receiving (aka tow motor driver) team leader was a little leery but loaded the flatbed anyway. He only almost fell off once. (insert rolling of the eyes, a sigh, and the wonderment of whether anything else could go wrong).

We stopped for a short lunch break: let's hear it for $5 Little Ceasar's Pizza! We were back to moving. The transport company was balking at the number of loads it looked we were going to need to complete the job so we agreed on two more loads and then calling a day. I then went and scheduled a semi for at least two trips on Monday!

But wait, Murphy wasn't done! We got the first of the two loads transferred and the skies opened up and dumped an enormous storm on us. I cancelled the second load--you can't transport cardboard and auto parts in the rain. Then I told the crew to come on over to the new building and we would use the balance of the day to get set up for work on Monday.

I honestly believe that Cinderella's children are alive and well and living in Atown. The very mention, the very inkling, the very thought of 3:30PM and they are ready to bolt out the door. (insert shaking of the head and a heavy sigh) I was flat-out running through both plants trying to get the work done. If I wasn't running I was speed walking. No one keeps up with me. I lifted tables, file cabinets, and countless boxes. I was a filthy grub. The only thing I didn't do was break a nail! No one would guess that I am 50 watching me work. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just pointing out that I worked my butt off and even though I was spent, I was ready to work until the job was done. Only one person offered to stay but they needed to run a quick errand (to see a PO) and then they'd be back. We were close enough so I closed up for the day.

Next week I'll be working in the factory everday, all day, making sure that we're on track and doing things appropriately. This new facility is amazing. We have two-thirds more room. Everything we need is centrally located (bathrooms, break room, office, and drinking fountain). We're on the ground floor, but it's cool like being in the basement. The air is cleaner and it's way quieter. Being there is going to be such a blessing.

I will sleep well tonight. I may take some advil before I fall into bed. I have to work at Curves tomorrow. I hope I can move in the morning.

I just read back through this. I feel the need to add just a couple more things. This morning in our devotion I asked them what their fear was/is. Then I read Joshua 1:6-9: 6 "Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

We were strong and courageous. And it was a powerful image to keep in mind that no matter where we were/are God is with us! Each time Murphy popped up, we reminded ourselves that God was greater! Even though they didn't want to hang around and work as long as I would have liked, this crew did work well together and everyone worked. I was pleased by that.

So in the end today...I stole home! Take that Murphy!

Stealing Home

I was watching ESPN's Sports Center this morning before heading out to work. One of the top plays was something I had never seen before: a guy stole home. I just stood in the living room, my mouth hanging open. It was an awesome play!

Nelson laughed at me a bit because I just kept repeating how amazing I thought it was. That takes a lot of guts to steal home. The pitcher is closer to home plate than the runner. He starts to run and the catcher hops up to let the pitcher know. The throw is close.. The ump in his animated fashion signals the runner safe. The catcher is incensed. The runner trots off to the dugout like it was no big thing. I'm standing in my living room with my mouth hanging open.

It didn't take long for me to start to see multiple spiritual implications to this outstanding baseball feat. Stealing home takes absolute fearlessness. You have to run quick and hard. You have to be ready for a horrible crash with the catcher, which most like result in more than one bruise (or at least it would for me). Isn't this the type of determination that is required to live by faith? John writes that perfect love leaves no room for fear.

I was so moved by this story that I used it in my devotions this morning with the packaging crew. I linked it with Philippians 4:4-9: Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is near. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and heard from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you.

I read those verses and I picture the runner with his head down running full out for home. Every move infused with intensity and determination. There is no hint of fear. There is looking to the left or right. That runner received the instruction from the coach and went for it with his entire being. Can we do any less?

Well, of course we can...and we often do. The almost laughable thing then is that we wonder why we are so easily thrown out of the game. Perhaps it has something to do with our stinkin' thinkin'. Perhaps it has something to do with our enormous worry and need to be in control. Perhaps it something to do with stubborn independent streak that keeps us from bringing our needs to our loving heavenly Father. Simply put, our choices will trip us up as we run the bases of life. The only thing we can control is the way we choose to run.

I'm going flat out. How about you?

Telling Stories

Coming to love your own life requires you to believe that the past is God's will...ultimately written for both his glory and your participation in his redemption...He uses pain and brokenness, just as he uses shalom. (To Be Told, p. 126)

A good editor draws out what is not said in order to give life to what was aborted before it saw the light of day. We need friends who will name what is unnamed in our story, so that the truth is told. A good editor also helps to ensure that we don't edit out the truth. And a good editor helps us consider the implications of what our story tells us about ourselves. (To Be Told, p. 133)

My story will compel me to plead, shout, and cry at God's injustice, lethargy, and disregard. But in the mddle of my rage, I can't help but wonder at what kind of God would bear my contempt and not retaliate. How could he dure my haggling, let alone alter his plan to coincide with mine? In the face of such inconceivable grace, I can't help but fall at his feet with incredulity. The Almighty, Sovereign, Cator God is also the most humble Being we will ever know. And engaging in naked prayer with our humble God humbles us. But what hubles us most is the enormity of his love for us.
It is in surrendered silence that God speaks love. It is when I have brought to him the shredded strands of my story--when I am ashamed, angry, defiant, and afraid--that he calls me to hear what can be written but can't be explained. He speaks love. (To Be Told, p. 180, 181)

When I think of fasting, I would define it as abstaining from anything that fills the space inside us that God longs to occupy. Any idols can fodder for fasting: TV, e-mail, food. The heart of a fast is stepping back from life as it is and conceiving life as it could be. Heather Webb (To Be Told, p. 183)

I just finished reading Dan Allender's book, "To Be Told." I have quoted it a couple of times in earlier posts. I pulled the book back off my shelf to finish it in an attempt to get back on track with writing my story.

I sat with my fingers poised on the keyboard for several minutes, waiting for something to come out. I listened to my family, playing downstairs with Asher. I heard Nelson talking with Ron about the basketball and baseball game and wanted to rush down and add a tidbit to the conversation that I had heard on ESPN. Beth was trying to fix supper and Asher was growing impatient. I could rush down and rescue her...and him from her wrath. But I glued my butt to the chair. I need to be here.

Telling my story. That reminded me of the early days of June 1989. I had completed an introductory course in CPO (Clinical Pastoral Orientation) at seminary in Kansas City. I loved it. I decided that I needed to go further and applied for the summer CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) unit being offered at the same hospital. I was accepted--chosen. I was really excited.

One of the first things the group of chaplains did was meet at the SIT (supervisor in training) house for a get acquainted session. Our first task was to tell our story, as a way of introducing ourselves and getting our "stuff" out there. In typical Daisymarie fashion: I offered to go first. I told my story chronologically, plodding through the many moves I made during my childhood and early adulthood. I lifted out the salient lessons of each place. I thought I did I okay. Oddly, the group pointed out that there were very few pieces of my childhood and that there was a real disconnection. Later I likened it to beads on a string: they were connected by a thread that was unseen, but separated from each other--barely touching each other.

I listened as the others (there were six of us in the group) told there stories. In my mind I graded them. I felt good about my presentation until the last young woman presented her story. She was a violinist. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do in ministry, wasn't really sure why she was in seminary at all. She was quite thin and petite. She seemed to totally captivate the SIT. I was totally jealous of her ease and grace. She told her story in third person. It was so connected, but somehow separated from her, as if it was something she looked at but not who she was. She held it like a fine porceline doll, that you could admire but never play with for fear of breaking it. I envied her style. I envied her story. I knew we would never be friends. She represented so many things I wanted to be, but knew I couldn't be.

That was my first experience telling my story. Or so I thought. Not long ago, I was going through old files and I found a paper I had written for a college psychology course. It was crude and poorly written, but it was again a retelling my story. I had forgotten all about it. The thing that jumped out at me the most was how much that telling was repeated in the later CPE experience. So in a paper written when I was about 19 I lifted up themes and feelings that were echoed in the story of a a 32 year old. I grieved, and I grieve the wasted opportunity to reflect and grow. I grieved the lost connections.

Now here I sit at 50 and I realize that I'm needing to understand that story. My story needs understood and shared because what I have experienced has a purpose. I need to learn how to tell it, because it is not just my story, but God's story, too.

Write Now

I need to write. I sat in the office today and tried to write and it just didn't work.

RIght now I'm on the porch with my Palm TX and portable keyboard. It is so nice to be outside. My brain feels so much freer than sittng at the desk in the office.

This morning in Sunday School our teacher, one of my favoritest in the universe professors, concluded his series on the great theologians with Henri Nouwen. Wow! I was so moved--tears flowed freely during the closing prayer.

Several things jumped out at me. First, Nouwen wrote at least 40 books. Interestingly, they're all small. If you're unfamiliar with Nouwen, he was a Catholic priest who studied psychology at Menninger in Kansas and was the first to teach abnormal psychology at Notre Dame University. He also taught at Yale and Harvard. He resigned from each position. That in itself is unheard of! He was amazingly learned, degreed, and highly respected, but his books present extremely deep thoughts in ways that the average person can grasp and not in overwhelming volumes or tomes. That spoke volumes to me about some of the "blocks" I've thrown up for writing: I could never write anything substantial (aka long). Nouwen worked from the Greek philosophical principle that big books are boring.

Another thing that moved from the life of Nouwen was the whole "wounded healer" concept. Nouwen was so beloved by his students and friends, but he was extremely wounded and he ministered out of his woundedness. It was his time at Daybreak where he rerally appears to have found his niche. This is something I need to dig more deeply on, especially as it applies to my current ministry setting.

Finally, Dr. Flora brought a copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal" and told us about Nouwen's experience in Russia with the painting. I want the book. I want the painting. I want to be able to look so deeply into things. What has kept me from depth? I feel like I have lived my life in the shallow end of the pool. I look at the people that I admire and respect the most and they are the people who think deeply, live deeply, love deeply. Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to people of passioon. But why not me?

At the point when Dr. Flora mentiooned that Nouwen wrote 40 books before he died Nelson leaned over to me and told me I better get started. He really believes that I have something to say. I think I believe it, too. So why don't I?

I tried to blame not writing on not having enough time. Lame. I waste so much time. That's why I came out on the porch to write now. I'm sick of watching TV. I don't want to read more of what other people write--I want to write!

I have tried to usse the excuse that I don't have enough to say. Lamer. I write two devotional guides and a couple blog/journal entries a week. I teach several classes a week. I coach people daily and encourage them in their faith and their work. Nelson would be the first to tell you that I have a lot to say. So why not write it? And I can't hide behind the can't wrrite a big enough book excuse either--say it, say it well, and move on. Big books are good door stops.

I am without excuse. I am also without direction. I am without guidance. Do I need a mentor? Do I need to take a class? Do I just need a swift kick in the seat?

A couple years ago I bought a copy of that year's "Writer's Market Guide." It might even have been a Christian Writers version. At the time I just wanted to try my hand at getting a few of my devotions published. I wonder where that is? I should probably check a more recent copy out of the library.

I need to write. I want to write. At Curves when we're signing up a new member we ask them how long they've been thinking about starting with Curves. Then on their form we write (it's actually part of the script): It's time to stop thinking and get started!

It really is!

Lunch in the Park

I'm just having the absolute best lunch I could imagine. I'm sitting at a picnic table, under a grove of pine trees, beside a lake, with birds singing all around me. Nelson grilled salmon last night and packed some for me for lunch along with a yunmmy salad and white chocolate raspberry flavored light and fit yogurt.

As if the food and surroundings weren't glorious enough to my soul, then I'm able to pull out this handheld and portable keyboard and write down the experience to share. Right now: life is very sweet and good.

Drat...reality just burst in. I had to take my car to get new brakes. Of course it wasn't going to be an inexpensive brake job. No, not for me. I needed new pads and rotors on all four wheels--to the tune of $542. But even that had some goodness.. I called last night and they were able to get me right in this morning and furnished me with a loner car (which I left in Atown with Nelson since today is my out of county travel day). And the car is ready to be picked up.

Meanwhile back to serenity. This park where I'm resting is one I went to often in my youth and then again the first few years of married life.

Reflecting on the fun times spent here, I was reminded of some thoughts I had this morning while driving. I was captured for a moment thinking about age and the passing of time. I"m fifty. I say that often. I wonder if I say it too much? My dad died when he was only 53. I have a whole lot of things I want to do before die. I think it's definitely going to take more than 3 years.

Tonight I'm going to do something responsible, grown up like, if you will. I want to take better care of this body I have. I'm eating better and exercising regularly. I take a good multiple vitamin and extra calcium/vitamin D. I have scheduled an appointment with a OB/GYN for my PAP (which I haven't had since 03). I was going to talk to her about a baseline bone density exam--since my mom has so much trouble and it appears to be something that has touched several women in my family. So what am I doing? I read in the paper that there was a free bone density exam happening at one of the nursing home/retirment communities here in town tonight--so I'm going.

It was terribly hard to leave the tranquility of the park for the sterile, chopped-up confines of cubicle world. But I did it.

(Just a follow up note: My bone density was a -0.02, which is very much in the good range. I'm still going to ask the doc if I need more.)

Plug: AKA appeal

How many of you use google or one of the other major search engines on a daily basis? Great!

Here's what I would like to ask you to consider: there is a search engine (powered by google) that makes a donation to non-profit agencies each time it's used. Pretty cool!

The search engine is found at goodsearch.comI would like to ask you to consider putting Transformation Network down as the charity/non-profit that you would like your penny to go to.

We're a great cause, a worthy ministry, and would be deeply appreciative of your gesture.

Thanks.

Monday Drama

I’m starting to not like Monday mornings. That’s not completely true, but lately, or at least the last two Mondays make me wonder what next Monday might hold.

On Friday, one of my work crew members came to me and apologized for not being honest when confronted last Monday. He did, in fact, not start work until 7:00am. He stated that he had been instructed by the Team Production Leader to stick to the story that everyone started at 6:00. I called Dan on Saturday and shared the new information with him. We both felt that we needed to let the Team Leader go.

We are a ministry that majors in second chances. Many people who work for us have messed up, but been given opportunity to keep their job and start over. This situation seemed different. This leader lied, influenced others to lie (coerced is a strong term), and stole from the company. Dan and I both felt that it would confusing for the team to have this person step down to a line crew position. She’s going to start back at our office with the prep classes and maybe we’ll be able to find her something else. We haven’t written her off, we want to help her be successful—we just can’t have her on this job.

The whole thing makes me sad. But that’s not the end of the sadness. I divvied up the leadership positions between three people: production, office, and shipping and receiving. Part of the reason that they supposedly felt the need to lie about their start time was to cover for the S/R TL coming in to work a half hour late. They couldn’t start on time without him there and then covered up his tardiness by fudging the time and leaving an hour early. I had to meet with him and give him a day off without pay. It didn’t make him happy. I have a feeling that he might quit. I’ve already started praying about that one.

It was interesting when we were confronting people about the newly discovered information about the lie and theft. The consistent reason given for “why” was that they didn’t want to “snitch.” Somehow, in their minds it was more important to not be a snitch than it was to be honest and not steal from the company. The trust they felt more loyal to was that of their peers, who would stab them in the back in a heartbeat, over their employer who demonstrates grace upon grace with them. The thinking is mind-boggling.

As we talked about it, we came up with this analogy: they would rather choose a momentary reduction of pain which results in long-term negative over momentary pain and long-term positive. They were so focused on the moment that there was no consideration for the future.

The whole thing just makes me want to go home and make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and devour the batter before it ever leaves the bowl…but know the long-term consequences of that, I think I’ll grab a bottle of water instead.

What I'm holding on to...

On Sunday night I wrote: Feeling Foolish
It's been a rough weekend for me. It appears that my entire crew decided to decieve me. They all signed in, or had someone sign in for them, saying they worked from 6AM until 2:30PM on Saturday. The problem is that Nelson called me from work at 6:22AM to tell me the air compressor wasn't working. The tow motor wasn't picked up until 7:15AM and one guy signed in at 7, but it was crossed out and 6 was written in instead: in someone else's handwriting. I called one of the guys who worked. He was helping us out. He was hired by the factory last month. I trusted him. I wanted...want to believe he wouldn't lie to me. He says everyone was there at 6 and working.

I called Dan when I started trying to put the pieces together. I was livid. I wanted...want to fire them all. I want to report them all to their probation officers for lying, falsifying records, and stealing from the company. The problem is I can't prove anything. I'm just sick. I have to go in tomorrow morning with a plan. Firing them all is probably not the way to go. Neither is going off half-cocked.

It's Sunday night.I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll go in with no plan and play it by ear. This is probably the worst time for me: I don't want to be me. I don't want to work with these people. I HATE being lied to. I HATE thinking I've been lied to. I HATE looking and feeling this foolish.

I wonder if I could get a job at McDonalds? (Don't worry...I'm not going to quit my job...I"m just ranting a bit tonight so that maybe I'll have a little control tomorrow.)


On Monday I wrote:
I confronted the work crew. I was, of course, completed mistaken. I was, of course, totally in the wrong. Well, except they did sort of own that they didn’t meander into the work place until nearly a quarter past 6. They are not going to be happy with me. I decided that they are not getting paid until 6:30. And if they have a problem with that, I guess they’ll have to figure out what they want to do about it.

Mothers Day was nice. Nelson took me out for dinner at a marvelous restaurant here in town. We ranked the meal up there in our top five of all time eating out experiences. Beth got me a very sweet arrangement of gerbera daisies. Ann called. I spent the day trying to figure out why Asher is all out of sorts. I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be teeth coming in, but I’m not sticking my finger in there to find out. And also, he is learning words. He jabbers non-stop. He thinks he’s saying something and if you don’t get it, he gets extremely frustrated with you. If he spots his jacket, that means he wants to go somewhere NOW! If he brings you his shoes, he wants to go outside---and now is not soon enough and he doesn’t care what time of the day it is or what the temperature is or how tired you might be!

But yesterday he said “mema” twice so it doesn’t matter how fussy he was!

Right now I’m on the phone trying to fix a mess up in an order. It came to the office building and that address is nowhere on the purchase order. I ordered eight rolls of labels and they sent 8 boxes with 4 rolls each. And I ordered ribbons and none of those came. (Picture me shaking my head.) I just got off the phone. They’re still researching the problem. They will get back to me. Meanwhile, I have enough white labels to print on until Jesus comes back—but I won’t be able to because I don’t have the necessary ribbon for the printer. (Insert me, rolling my eyes.)

When I met with the crew this morning, I started off by reading scripture—it was, after all, our devotion time. I read Romans 12:6-18:
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

I started my confrontation by saying that I am not like Dan (my boss). He tends to work from a position of non-trust. I work from a position of trust—and this is sometimes to my detriment.

I don’t want to become the kind of person who operates out of distrust or no trust. What ever became of honor? There doesn’t seem to be much loyalty going around either. And that which would present itself most commonly as honor, or loyalty, or trustworthiness, is merely a masquerade for something much more self-serving.

I wear a bracelet that I got when Nelson were on our anniversary weekend getaway. It is inscribed with verses from 1 Corinthians 13: Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

That’s what I chose to hold on to…it’s what’s holding on to me.

TGIF or TTFN

It’s Friday. And right now I have about 40 things I should be doing. Ok, maybe half that many—but I shouldn’t be writing this. Funny, I typically can find scads of things to keep me from writing anything of importance, but I then choose to resort to writing to avoid doing what I should…oh the irony of it all!
This has been a rich week. I taught our WINGS class in E County. It was a lot of fun. The participants were getting it. They were putting things together left and right. I love that. Some groups never quite get what we are offering them and it’s an agonizing time trying to teach. It’s as if my words hit the wall they have up and just slide off. (Sigh) Fortunately, that was not the case this week. I was so energized yesterday that I had to remind myself to keep an eye on the clock so we didn’t run over.

One of the coolest things that someone said as they were leaving the class was: You sure keep things interesting. In my opinion, there is nothing worse (in the field of information transmission) than poorly presented material. You can be brilliant but not be able to disseminate information through the means of public speaking—then write and have a good editor! Teachers or preachers, who are boring, lack any interest in being interesting, need to find another profession.

I have realized over the years that I have a scoonch of ADD. As a result, I get bored easily, and that’s probably a gross understatement. I determined that I would never be a boring teacher or preacher. So far, I think I’m living up to that goal.

So from the great to the painfully good: Annie and the kids are moving home tomorrow. I know it’s the right thing. I know it’s a good thing. I know that it’s best for the kids. I know that there will be difficult days that we will walk through with them in the future. I’m not sad about them moving home. I’m just aching because they’re leaving—again.

I love coming home from work and being greeted by Penelope’s exuberant: Mema’s home!!! I will miss that more than I know how to even begin to put into words.

I will not miss Destructo Boy—but I’m going to miss the cherub grin and willing kisses from Caden.

I won’t miss the unneeded baked goods that Annie makes when she gets stressed, but I will miss our talks and time together. She truly has become a friend. Can you ask more from your daughter?

Oh, great…now I’m at work…should be working…and instead I’m all teary and sniffy. Better quit this for now and try and look productive. TTFN.

Heaven Too

The seminar went well. Seven counties were represented in the audience. We used power point. It was the first time I ever did that. I wish we had some sort of traveling clicker so that we didn't have to stand at the podium with the computer and use the mouse. I'll get better. I told Dan that I need to take like a three day retreat to just go and play...I mean learn how to create my own power point.

I was really drained when the seminar was over. I spent the first half presenting with my coworkers. In the second half, I was part of the panel that was comprised of "graduates" of the program. We presented our perspective alongside Mr. R who spoke from the perspective of a business owner who had been willing to work with felons. The second part was more difficult: owning my own ex-offender status. It went well. We received many positive comments on our evaluation forms. One of the counties represented asked us to come and make the same presentation to their Job and Family Service people.

Today I wrote the following devotional for our church's web devotional journal:
Transformational Journal Devotions: 1 Peter 1:3-9
Monday: vs. 3-4
In one of the churches where I served as an associate, the pastor’s wife often used a phrase that reminds me of this passage. When life got sticky or icky she could be heard reminding herself: "all this and heaven, too!" Occasionally there was a note of sarcasm in her voice, but we all knew that she said it to remind herself that whatever she was facing was not the end, as a believer, she had her heart set on heaven. It makes me sad that there seems to a languishing hunger for heaven. We live in such an instant age. People don’t save like they used to. It’s all about living in the now. It’s pretty well summed up in a bumper sticker I saw not long ago: I’m spending my children’s inheritance. As Christ followers, our priceless inheritance is kept for us in heaven "beyond the reach of change or decay." And like my pastor’s wife, I’m looking forward to the day when I receive that treasure. It’s so much more than this world around us—there really is heaven, too!
Prompts:
-Have you been living for an earthly or heavenly inheritance?
-Write about your understanding or feelings toward heaven.
-Write a prayer asking God to give you His understanding of heaven

Tonight I got a phone call from a family friend. The pastor's wife I mentioned in the devotional died Wednesday morning. She now has her "heaven, too!"

Then just a few minutes ago I got a call on my cell. Odd for this time on a Friday. I knew that one of the guys in our Ntown work program didn't work today, but I didn't know why until I got the call. It was from his sister. She had taken him to the ER last night. He has pnuemonia and they found a mass in his lung. They also think that his leukemia has returned.

I'm feeling somewhere between sad and numb. I've just been on the edge of tears since I got done with the seminar. Perhaps a good cup of tea is in order.

Driving Thoughts

I was thinking while I was driving yesterday. I like driving for that very reason. I like getting with my thoughts. It’s a good time to pray and sing and think.

Tomorrow is our big seminar: Breaking the Barriers. You can find info about it on web page (www.transformationnetwork.org). I just clicked over to check it out. I had to smile at the pics of me. In 7 to 10 business days, I’m going to look a bit different. Today I had an appointment to get my eyes checked. I need stronger glasses. I picked out new frames.

There was a health fair going on at the medical building. In the vision center they were have a “trunk sale.” They had two reps there displaying their wares. I tried on one of the pairs. They’re burgundy in color with a little “bling” on the ear pieces. They’re also different shaped. The lenses on the new glasses are smaller and more oval shaped. I really like them and the staff all thought they made look younger. I think they were interested because they wanted to make a sale. They decided my current glasses make me look older and something about a droop. I bought it…and them!

While I was driving I was thinking about my work. Somehow while also thinking about the seminar, my mind drifted to what I would say if I could go back and talk to the agency I had worked at. The kids we worked with there were always in trouble with the law. It wasn’t hard to imagine many of them ending up in my current workplace: unemployed due to felony convictions, needing help changing their minds and behaviors so that they could become contributing members of society. So, what would I say to that other agency? Fix them now!

I know it’s not that easy. And in some cases I don’t if it is possible. As I work with this portion of the population, I am truly beginning to understand generational strongholds. I talk with participants both here at the home base and in the outlying counties who describe how their parents and grandparents have had troubles with the law. Now, this isn’t true for everyone, but the percentage is high enough that it warrants attention.

We were having a meeting with a potential participant. Her pastor had brought her to meet with us. One comment that he made really stood out to me. In a very encouraging tone, he told her that he thought she had the best chance in her family to break the cycle of addiction. His words appear to have fallen way short of their mark. It’s been a week and she hasn’t been back.

Where does resiliency come from? Why is it some people can face adversities and atrocities beyond description and come out on top—land on their feet, while others are left with only bitterness and brokenness?

These are the question I live with daily….more later.

Where did the week go?

It’s Wednesday morning. I can’t believe I haven’t posted for a week. Yes, I can. (Imagine me sighing and my shoulders drooping a bit.)

It’s been a long week. I worked in the factory every day but Wednesday last week. I didn’t do much manual labor—I spent my time catching up on paperwork. Cleaning up messes. Putting out relational fires.

Then on the weekend, when I might have caught a breather: Nelson and Asher get sick. Nelson went to bed at 5:30 on Saturday evening and slept through until nearly 3:00 on Sunday. He went to work on Monday, but didn’t start feeling human until yesterday. Asher, we found out yesterday when he went to get his next round of shots, has the roto virus. He was puking and having soupy poops all weekend. One exploded out his diaper, down my leg, plopped on my foot, and sprayed the walls around us. (Graphic enough picture? I’m tired of suffering alone. Lol)

To add to my exhaustion, I’m working every night this week at Curves. Then on Friday we are hosting a seminar about the reentry ministry we offer in the three counties we work in to the fifteen counties in our parole region. Oh, and wait! One of those three counties is auditing my files today. Oh and add to that, the parent company we have our packaging program with is going on a shut down so all the work had to be packaged or sent back to them and now my workers are facing several days of no work. And, we still haggling to be able to rent the new space so that the move is hanging over my head.

I didn’t want to get out of bed today. It’s my travel day. And it’s supposed to rain all day. Did I mention that I’m under a little stress and a rainy day would be perfect for staying in my jimmies, sipping tea, and being totally irresponsible.

I just don’t know how to do that. (Insert another deep sigh) I need to change my focus. Something positive and fun?

I got my Palm TX! It’s quite cool and I’m starting to figure it out. I’m frustrated because I can’t figure out how to get the status bar back at the bottom. It’s there just not showing. The keyboard that came with it is great. It has Bluetooth and WiFi capabilities. And I’ve already loaded scrabble on to it! Now, there’s a stress reliever!

Ann and Travis have worked things to the point where they want to have her and the kids move home. She gave us her two week notice. I’m going to miss her and the kids, but I so know that this is for the best. They’ll keep working and we’ll keep praying.

Beth and Ron are talking about eloping. I’m still getting used to the idea. They’ve mentioned several places, but have talked wanting to be married on the beach somewhere, possibly in Florida or San Diego. We’ll see as it all unfolds.

Nelson and I are back on track with our eating. Poor choices (aka Easter candy and other extremely high carb junk) and lack of portion control had crept back into our habits. We’re back to writing everything down and keeping totals. I’ve also stepped up my workout at Curves. I was excited this morning that I was able to fit into two skirts that had been tight just last week! I want to lose at least 15 pounds before I go to Mom’s in June.

Well, it’s now time to walk out the door. Ah, for the final blessing: there are a scazillion lilac buds on my bush! And that reminds me that God is still in control—and no matter what comes my way, if I keep hold of that: I can face anything!

Nothing profound

Here's how my week went...

It's April 14th. And I don't want to look out the window. It''s snowing and sticking. Sigh. I'm really afraid that there will be no lilacs this spring...I'm not even sure if there'll be a spring...double sigh. The leaves that had sprouted on the lilac have turned black from the cold. The forcast doesn't look very good for most of the week either. Guess I'll just go buy a lilac candle and dream.

It was a very busy week. On Monday I worked half day at the factory--in the morning. I wore my flashing 50 button. Nelson and the girls conspired to put one of those birthday ads in the paper. So there at the bottom of the first page of the classifieds was a picture of me from my first Christmas. I'm hairless but quite adorable. I think everyone in town saw it. It's okay. The surprise and all it took to pull it off just makes me know I'm loved and makes me know how much I love this incredible crew of mine!

Tuesday and Thursday I taught our WINGS class in Ntown. There were only 4 participants--should/could have been about 15. It was a good class. This time we switched from 9-3 to 9-4. It's amazing how much longer the day seemed even though it was only one hour longer. Wednesday I did my regular thing of meeting with participants for follow-up or orientation in Ntown and Stown. Come Friday, my throat was sore from all the speaking and my feet hurt from wearing heels. But it was a good kind of tired that I don't want to trade! (Insert contented smile!)

Today, Annie and I went shopping after we worked out at Curves. We started with lunch at O'Charleys. I had never eaten there. We decided to have a bowl of soup and split a salad. It was a very good idea. The soup was quite yummy--we each got a different kind and tasted each others. I got the loaded potato and she got the chicken tortilla. Good stuff. We both were happy with the split salad, especially when as we were about to leave the lady at a nearby table had a whole salad delivered to her. It was mamoth!!!! We were laughing about it all the way out of the restaurant!

Then we went and spent some of my birthday gift cards. We stopped first at Barnes and Nobels where I got two books. Then it was over to the mall where I actually bought jammies and underwear at Victoria Secret. The jammy pants are so incredibly soft. When we were done there it was right off to Bath and Body where after some careful deliberation I spent my card on two flavors of shower gel (wild cherry blossom and perfect peach) and a couple of purse size hand creams (sweet pea and lime coconut). My nose is still recovering from all the sniffing and sampling!

Our final stop was at a local coffee house where we indulged in a couple of frothy coffees. Mmmm! Nelson is off doing the grocery shopping. And Asher just woke from his nap. Guess I'm all done writing for now!

I'll write more later about the books...on is called "The Velveteen Principles" and the other is something like "The 5 Things You Can't Change in Life." It's about accepting the things we can't change and chosing to learn to live with them rather than against them. I'll get the exact title and premise/description later.

TTFN

Party Central

I’ve had a wonderful day.
This morning I worked at Curves. Ann came in and worked out at the end of the day and then helped me clean so that I could get out of there since Nelson was taking me out for lunch for my birthday in Mtown. He had said something about going to Ruby Tuesday’s, but on the way I suggested Chipotle instead, which was fine by him!

We got to Chipotle and ordered our food. The meat that Nelson wanted for his burrito was still cooking and we waited quite a bit. When we went to pay, they told us our meal was comped! That’s the second time we’ve eaten there and the second time that our meal was free. I really like that place.

Then we went to Barnes and Nobles for a yummy coffee, a cookie and some brief browsing. We then went to Toys R Us. We were looking for a swing set for the grandbabies. The one we wanted was of course out of stock. We waited at the register for quite a while. Then the manager came and told us that they had one of last year’s models in a bunged up box that he would be willing to give us for $100—a $30 discount. Sold! We then went a couple places looking for Palm TX. They had one at Best Buy, but we decided to try and get it for less on Ebay.

When we got home, we came in the back door—nothing different about that. I noticed that there was a lot of food out in the kitchen, but didn’t think anything about it until I spied my dearest friend’s face looking back at me from the living room.

My family had worked together to create a wonderful birthday party surprise for me! It was Beth’s idea and she and Ann worked amazingly to make such a special time for me! Friends from Urbana (Karen and Joe) drove up with their three youngest kids. My sis was there with her two boys. My boss and co-workers were there from the T-Net. My manager and the club owner were there from Curves. My in-laws even showed up. Ann and Travis and Beth and Ron and all the grandbabies. We ran out of chairs!

I had asked for strawberry shortcake and there was an abundance. There was also some of Sis’ fruit and fruit dip. It was wonderful. The girls had decorated the place and there was a huge balloon that sang happy birthday (to the tune of the Hallelujah Chorus) when you tap it.

While I was enjoying visiting with all our guests the phone rang several times. Nelson had arranged for several friends to call through the course of the party. My friend Laurie called from West Liberty. My mom called and sang happy birthday. My SIL called. Rhonda called—she was unable to attend because she’s been feeling sick.

Two calls were especially sweet to receive. Nelson contacted a very dear friend who I had lost contact with. He actually paid for one of those online services to hunt her down. It was so neat to talk to her. Then a friend and his wife called and sang happy birthday. I didn’t recognize the voice at first, but when I did—well, it was just quite a blessing.

I received several humorous cards—hip, hip, hip replacement! I also got several gift cards (I love Barnes and Nobles). I also got a console table for the entry way! I’m sure there will be more surprises and each one will make me smile even more.

And just think my birthday isn’t until Monday!!!

Clean

Scrubbed floors and scum free bathroom.
I hate to clean--but I like things clean. And I like the clean smell when I'm all done.
While I was on my knees wiping up baby spills, I began to think...Isn't amazing how God can get your attention then?

There are other things that I hate the work or process of, but absolutely love and want the results: study, exercised, diet, and work.

All through my Christian walk I have been captivated by the verses that instruct the believer to make every effort. It really is all about the process, about the journey. End results, those things we work for (like paychecks) aren't really the end. They're just the step to the next step.

So I'll keep on walking, and cleaning (guess that means I should grouse so with each mess) because I know it's all moving me that much closer to the real end--Heaven. I wonder if anyone cleans the bathroom there?

Time for New Growth

I did not quit my job.

I did finally get to meet with my boss today. It went ok.

I need to work on rebuilding his trust in me. One of the ways I've been doing that in the past couple days is cc every email/correspondance to him so he knows exactly how I'm operating. I already keep a detailed phone log and time sheet breaking out my time spent on each contract. In our meeting he said I needed to walk that difficult line for rebuilding trust without innundating him with information he doesn't need. I'll have to work on that.

We also talked about how I tend to get defensive in meetings when my work is being questioned. I know that I tend to take things way too personally and I need to work on this issue so that my co-workers don't have to fear my "mood" when they need to confront me.
Guess I just need to revisit and fine tune all my issues. Sigh.
I
t's quite beautiful out today...and just now I looked out the offict window (which is on the second floor of the house) and I spied flowers (magnolias, I think) on the neighbor's tree just across the ally from me. I just love spring!

Tonight I'm reveling in some quiet. Ann, Penelope, and Caden are back home for a visit. Beth is working. And Nelson is out grocery gathering. Asher is down for a nap. Until he wakes up, I'm just going to stroll through some blogs/diaries, or maybe play some scrabble. It's just such a sweet sort of silence.

I wrote the following for a prayer blog I'm a part of:

Tuesday night I was in the yard with the grandbabies. A bird flew into the top of the big old tree. Penelope (cutest 3 yr old on the planet) stood at the base of the tree and jumped (a flat-footed 3 yr old kind of jump)--several times. Finally she looked over at me, where I was desperately trying not to laugh at her efforts, and she said, "I guess I'm not big enough, Mema."

Then it was as if a lightbulb went off, and she ran for the house. Moments later she emerged with her little step. She set it at the base of the tree, climbed aboard, and proceeded to try jumping again. Her face quickly displayed her frustration. Until another bulb lit up: You help me, Mema?

And I could help but picture myself jumping awkwardly at life's issues--trying to tackle problems not meant to be tackled. It reminded me of Peter trying to walk on the water. Jesus didn't invite Peter. It was Peter who asked to try something he wasn't created for. Jesus allowed it and scooped him up--lovingly...knowingly.

God grant me clearer vision of what my tasks are for this day. Help me not to waste energy jumping after things that you don't need me to do. Grant us each that assurance of your love. And we will be thankful.

And This Week...

It was a poopy weekend. The boys both had diarrhea. Caden had several incidents of puking as well. That’s how I was awakened: by Travis washing one whiny baby in the tub. Travis was scheduled to have the kids, but since Caden was sick, he just spent the weekend with us. It turned out to be a good thing I think.

Sunday Aunt Flo came calling and I was crampy and feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I woke up Monday morning with more of the same. Problem was that I wasn’t sick enough to stay home, but felt too lousy to be at work. So I worked.Today is better.

Nelson continues to work long days. His pants were literally falling off him, so until his new uniforms come in he was given special permission to wear some of his bib overalls. When he started he was in a 56” waiste. Right now he’s down to a 44 or 46, depending on the cut. He continues to be my inspiration!

Ann and Travis had lots of opportunity to talk about things. He’s been remodeling their home. He’s completed therapy. It looks like she will move back home in May when the remodeling is complete. That will give them time to start over, having dates and move slowly. Then in the summer they’ll start couples therapy. It sounds like a good plan. We’ll be watching and praying as it unfolds.

Beth and Ron are looking at houses. Ron’s lease is up on his apartment in October. He doesn’t see the point in renting when their plan is to get married next year. They sat and talked with Nelson about how they should go about this. He gave good advice and they listened and actually followed it. Guess we’ll be watching and praying as that unfolds too.

So my very full house could be a very large house much sooner than I anticipated. Our lease is up in July so we need to make some decisions, too. I can’t even describe how I dread even the idea of moving, but I’m not liking some things that are already going on with the management company we’re renting with. They are now saying our rent is $685 with $10 for the pet rent. We can’t locate our copy of the lease. I know we had one, but it’s hiding really well. I’m going to look again tonight. Nelson and I talked about it. There’s just no way that it was $685. We were ready to balk at the $675. I know it’s only $10 but it’s principle and it is $10. If I can’t find it, I have to call and as for a copy of our original lease. Wonder how much they’ll charge me for that?

I cleaned my office today. Sort of. I filed and decluttered my desk and surrounding space of unnecessary paper. Now I have files to put away. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Well, it’s time to head home. Until later…

Same Old

My life just feels like a series of the same thing over and over repeating itself.

I work during the day. I fill in at Curves—a lot lately. I change a lot of poopy butts.

Sigh.

I’m fighting a sore throat.

Nelson and I are thinking about buying a Curves in Ft. Wayne. How insane is that?

Nelson has lost 130 pounds. But he says he hasn’t really lost it because he’s not looking for it. Clever man!

I have to leave and drive 45 minutes for a meeting in Huron county. I’m sooooo glad the sun is shining today. It’ll be a very wonderful trip!

Pretty soon my lilac will be blooming. Now that’s something to look forward to!

We're Back!

What a wonderful weekend I had!

We finally got moving down the road around 4PM.

Each turn or route we took erased a possibility of our desitnation.

We went south on 71. We went around Columbus on 270 toward Indianapolis. I crossed the border into Indiana (and I didn’t have to have a travel pass to do it!!!!). When we got to Indianapolis we went south on 465 to 65 south, straight down the road to Nashville, Indiana. Ahhhhh, Brown County.

Some of you may remember we spent our 25th anniversary in a lovely cabin there and meandered through the shops and eateries for several days. It was wonderful. Nelson knew how much I enjoyed that and decided to whisk me away for a couple of days there.

At first it seemed long way to go for such a short time---it’s about a 5 hour trip. But it was so lovely. Saturday it did a lazy snow all day—and I didn’t even care!!! Me, the queen of the weather weenies. What did I care! My car was parked, our cozy suite was within walking distance of everything. I was set. Me and my sweetie just soaked it all in.

One of the things I got was a travel mug from the Life is Good shop. It’s one of our favorite shops in town. He played special songs for us about love and our anniversary—the oldies we knew and loved. My mug is dark pink with a heart on one side where it says Life is good! The other side says “Do what you like. Like what you do.”

Since I’m at work now I think I will mind my mug and write more later. TTFN

Anniversary Adventure

Tomorrow (the 17th) is my, our 28th wedding anniversary. Nelson has made arrangements to “kidnap” me. He made sure that the girls had childcare all arranged so that I didn’t need to “worry” about that. He told me to pack a bag for him and me for two days. I was not told what we were doing, except we will be having dinner at Pizza Hut tomorrow night.

We went to Pizza Hut on our first date. We ate at Pizza Hut on our way from the wedding to the lodge at Salt Fork State Park, where we spent our honeymoon. On our way home from the hospital with Annie we stopped at Pizza Hut and celebrated her birth with our Pastor and his wife. We found a Pizza Hut near Nashville, Indiana when we were on our 25th anniversary adventure. So it is right and good to eat at Pizza Hut tomorrow night.

I went to Goodwill and was fortunate to find a pair of Victoria Secret satin pajamas to take with me on the trip. And they were half price! So was the bathing suit I bought for just in case there’s a pool wherever we’re staying.

I called home this morning and asked Annie (both Annie and Beth know Nelson’s plans, but both have done a great job of not letting anything slip) if the clothes I packed were appropriate for the trip. It’s odd. I haven’t wondered or worried about what the adventure will hold. Kind of reminds me of how I felt when I got married—I wasn’t worried and knew I could trust this amazing man.

I hope there is specialness and love in your weekend. I know there will be in mine.

Babbling

Have you ever wished you were something you’re not?

I wish I was more introverted. Does that sound crazy? I know so many people who wish they were more extroverted.

Please don’t get me wrong. I love most of what it means that I am an extrovert. Except that I think out loud. That piece of my personality has led me into more muddy experiences than I can count or remember.

Here’s an example.
One of the participants in our program was fired because he missed work for a probation violation (happens quite often). Subsequent to that he sat in jail. First thing he checked on when he got out was where his last check was. We needed to get that last paycheck to him and the plan was that we would do that this week when we were in his town doing our WINGS class. Enter the blizzard. I thought his check would be mailed, but I hadn’t gotten the complete word on that. He called me at home last night. I told him my boss was unavailable and that I would get in touch with him this morning. A few minutes ago I come back from a quick trip to the bathroom to find that I missed two calls—from this guy! He wanted to know about his check. I was irritated. I had gone to my boss’ office and he was in a meeting with my co-worker. I was waiting to check on the check when this guy calls.

Enter the extrovert. Enter the feeling driven extrovert. Grrrrrr. I walk to the boss’ office, interrupt the meeting, express only partial frustration and the boss jumps on the guy about the calls. Well, he deserved some of the frustration, but I needed to think way, way through what I needed to say. I said something about being frustrated because I was thinking out loud. My behavior was more like one of our clients than that of a professional.

I just went back and apologized to my boss.

Sometimes my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses.

Now before you jump on me…I know the downside to the introvert’s over-thinking things. An introvert can literally think something to death. I just want to be a little more balanced. Sometimes I think a lock on my mouth might work—or duct tape. I was talking to my prayer partner last week and our conversation got around to this kind of thing and I remember saying that I only open my mouth to change feet. (insert heavy sigh)

Guess that just means there’s room for growth. I hope so…cause I sure don’t like feeling the way I’m feeling right now.

Spousal Pride

I just needed to brag on my sweetie.

Our old scale died over a month ago. We bought a new one. Nelson weighed himself and he was down 119 pounds!!!!!!

This morning Nelson wanted to wear pants to church instead of his bib overalls. I went hunting for the smaller pair we bought at the end of November for him to wear when the big pair got too big. The pair we bought for job hunting had a 54” waist. The other pair was a 50”. Well, the 50” pair fell off him too! So we dug in his pants drawer and found a pair of jeans that were 48”—and they were too big too!!!!! The 54” pair was tight when we bought them so he’s dropped at least 5, if not 6 pants sizes.

I’m just so proud of him…and it sure keeps me working to lose too!

Grace and Flaws

(I lead the devotions at work on Wednesday mornings at 6:30. I started pulling out stuff off my shelves, looking for an idea. I stumbled back across the books mentioned below and realized I had started a post about them, so I am including that here with some more thoughts to go along with them.)

One of the books I bought with my Christmas gift card is “Get Out of Your Own Way.” It’s quite a practical little book and I read through it (very quickly) this morning, looking through it to see if there were parts I could use for the groups I teach. There are some good chapters that I will be implementing. One of the most valuable things was in the introduction (isn’t that the way it goes often) where the authors listed 10 things you can learn from self-defeating behavior. Now there’s some fodder for group work for sure!

Then I picked up one of the other books that I bought: “To Be Told, God Invites You to Coauthor Your Future.” More stuff for groups—ok, and for me! I just read a line that made me lay down the book and start writing: live your life in the right direction. Need to ponder on that for a while.

Try this one on: “God writes the story of my life to make something known about himself. He goes on: in our story God shows us what he’s up to and what he wants us to be about.”

Or this: “When I study and understand my life story, I can then join God as a coauthor.”

This one just makes me smile. Me, a coauthor with God. Since I was very young I have longed to be a writer. My dad painfully announced his judgment of that dream to my childlike heart: you will never write a book. It was as if he doomed me to never having anything of value to say or share with anyone. I have fought against that so much. Spent much time, effort, and money to learn how to have something of value to say.

Allender: You are a story. You are not merely the possessor and teller of a number of stories; you are a well-written, intentional story that is authored by the greatest Writer of all time, and even before time and after time. (p. 10)

“What makes my life a glorious bestseller is that my plot reveals not a mere moral or lesson but the very person and being of God. A merely good life reveals little beyond the fact that goodness exists. But a life that knows it’s plot, characters, setting, dialogue, and themes will possess a clear and abiding passion that reveals something unique about the Author. A life that is familiar with its story reveals much about the character of God.” (P. 22)

We give him (God) much greater glory when we are aware of our calling, live intentionally, and live with passion. P. 22

I just read the second chapter in the book. It’s about knowing your name. The author is obviously coming from the Judeo/Christian perspective where an individual often received a new name later in life that more identified them with their purpose or relationship with God. He moves on then with the exploring the story, or theme of your life.

Chapter three starts with a quote about the “flawed” life. I started to read the quote and just laid the book down on my desk. The resonation at that point was deafening.

There is a definite linking between the theme of our life, our name, and how our story unfolds. I know that my parents wanted a child. They had actually begun considering adoption, to my paternal grandmother’s absolute chagrin. Then I entered the scene. But it was hard to know whether my greater flaw was my distorted appearance from my crossed eyes, or the fact that I lacked male genitalia. Flip a coin. Truth be told I was a disappointment either way. And therein lies this remarkable thread or theme.

When I was a little girl I loved two shows. I remember watching and memorizing the plot and lines from “The Wizard of Oz.” I so related to Dorothy’s search from what was missing only to find it in her own heart and back yard. I loved the Christmas program of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. I knew I belonged on the Island of Misfit Toys. I so related to that lost and missing piece…and missing peace.

And now I find myself working daily with those who are convinced they don’t fit in and that there lives are so messed up there could never be any purpose or meaning for them. And daily I tell them “Not so!”

What is the message in my flaws? (I feel a little like Dorothy being questioned by Glinda here.) That’s hard. I have always had an affinity to those who don’t feel like they fit in. I loved hospital chaplaincy because many of the people there were living on the raw edge of life that didn’t fit nicely into the clean order of a church pew. I often said I was a better chaplain than church pastor because I felt much more natural in a setting where I was helping come to faith or growth in faith than in making denominational autobots.

And now I find myself in a ministry that really gets in the trenches. I listen to people talk about how they are uncomfortable with the thought of working with the kind of people I work with. I was even confronted recently by a church staff member with their concerns with my interest in serving in a leadership position at church. “We have to be careful to not be a stumbling block. What would people think?”

I will be honest. There are times when I miss preaching, when I miss leading a congregation. And with what I have been through in recent years, I actually think I would be a much better congregational leader. I would be so much more tuned in. But that’s not where I am called or placed. So here on my island I keep planting seeds and watching for faith to grow.

That I am here did not come as a surprise to God. He knew when he called me to ministry and gifted me like he did that my gifts would be valuable right here, right now. I don’t need to run away from the cracks and flaws in my vessel.

Tucked way in the 15th chapter of Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians is a marvelous little verse: “…I am what I am by the grace of God…and his grace was not in vain!”

Courage

A while back I started reading the book: “When Is Enough, Enough? What You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied” by Ashner and Meyerson. I had borrowed it from the library. I loved what I was reading and found it very hard not to make notes in the margin.

I love half.com. I got the book and I am devouring it! My yellow marker and red pen are keeping busy—but so is my google internet search engine. I’m finding all kinds of fodder for the classes I teach.

This morning I spent two hours teaching class. Here’s my outline:
1. Understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and how one can become the other.
I draw a continuum on the board and ask them to make a list of their strengths and weaknesses. I have them share some of their strengths and show how when pushed to the limit they can become a weakness. Conversely, I ask them to share a weakness and I show how when reeled back in, these reveal a strength. I tell them it’s time to reclaim their strengths and live in balance.

2. Stress Response: Flight or Fight.
We are wired to survive and protect ourselves from the prowling saber tooth tigers. We identify the tigers (or giants) in our lives that threaten us and how we respond with flight or fight. I lead them in a discussion of how futile flight really is: running gets you nowhere and wherever you go, there you are! We begin to consider the mature ways to fight.

3. Coping through Defense Mechanisms.
I take them through a list of defense mechanisms which may have been helpful at one point, but could be hindering their growth and development.

It was a good class and the attendees told me that they got a lot out the lesson. That feels good, but I really hope that there was something that they could come away with that will help them break the cycle of self-defeating behavior.

So, I’m reading and marking in my book and I get to an emboldened heading that stops in my tracks: Do you have the courage to be you? Hmmmm.

Just a little later I found this: “A history of self-sabotage is almost always a key that we have some central conflict with our identity—a problem accepting our personality, our real needs and goals, and working with them, not against them. Our work must begin with building self-esteem. There is no shortcut.” (page 43)

“…we’ve lost the only thing that can possibly make us feel secure—a real connection with ourselves.”

“Recently a woman at one of our workshops confided, ‘I’d like to own a bed and breakfast place, but reality is I have two children and a husband who is about to lose his job. Am I supposed to make the whole family starve while I follow some fantasy?’ What makes us so sure that we’d fail if we pursue a dream? Surely it’s not experience.” (page 44)

Maybe this only speaks to me. Honestly though, I want to believe that I’m not alone in this. I want to succeed, but I’m really afraid. I’m afraid to try because it means I could fail. And even though I know in my head that in reality there’s a process to coming to success that involves a weeding out that is often deemed as failure, the only real and true failure is not trying so by not trying the only thing I get is failure. How convoluted is all that?

So I guess the courage comes at being willing to live with the clicking tongues and head shakes that infer the judgment of others. Who would have thought that at nearly 50 I would still be struggling with this adolescent foolishness? Not me, that’s for sure. But perhaps it’s better to finally get to the struggle than to never face it at all. Perhaps, the struggle indicates that growth is still possible and the years to come can hold amazing adventure as I live courageously, adventurously, and expectantly.

Maybe the courage can come now because I don’t have to impress anyone. Maybe the gift of being about to turn 50 is that I’m finally free to be. Now this is a perspective I can wrap my brain—heck, I can wrap my whole being around this!

Good Days

Ah, what a wonderful morning I’ve had. I got up at 6. I made Vanilla Biscotti Coffee. And I sat down and engaged an old friend. I have a book I really love. I was looking for it before we moved. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I thought perhaps I had loaned it out and it hadn’t been returned. I was sad because for as much as I love it, I never can remember the title to tell someone about it—or to order a new one if I need it. (In fact I’m going to go get it so I can tell you the name.)

It’s called “Knowing Me Knowing God: Exploring Your Spirituality with Myers-Briggs.” In the prologue he identifies his thinking with Thomas Merton and sates: “I believe that the desire to please God does indeed please God, whether that desire is fulfilled or not.”

I liked that. And as I meditated on that thought I caught a ride on the tangential train. I was thinking about the way some of my books are like tools. I thought about how when Nelson was in construction. He wouldn’t start a job without his tools close at hand. Then I was stopped by a random thought: if I was only allowed five of my books, what five would I chose. This sent me, cup of coffee in hand, to the office where most of my books are randomly shelved.

It was so nice to check in with old friends! I scanned the shelves and considered which ones would be better suited for the active shelves at work. I pulled out a little stack. It will be fun to get reacquainted.

Work yesterday went well. One of the things that became a battle was my eating over the last few days. I had to really do battle with stress eating. There aren’t enough carbs on the face of the planet to quell that nervous feeling—but it seemed I was on a mission to try. Ugh! Having things go relatively smoothly yesterday and having several of the women who were working out tell me that I was doing well helped—a lot!

I went in about forty-five minutes early to make sure that I could get the music and “change stations now” CD to work. I figured that way if I couldn’t, I would still have time to call for help. When the day was done I left a running list of things I had questions about—there were 10 things on my list. All in all: a good day!

Today we have snow. And they’re calling for more of the same. Thankfully, the only day they aren’t calling for snow is Wednesday: the day I have to drive to my northern office. This is good news for the weather weenie!

Asher Day

My ankle is better. Only wore a brace one day. Never even bruised! Even more surprising to me was that I wasn't achy sore the next day. I'm going to attribute that to working out!

Classes went well last week. I do love teaching. This week at work I've spent a lot of time on the phone and typing different things on the computer.

I have my last training session at Curves tonight. Saturday I'll be flying solo. I don't worry about being out in the circuit with the ladies--it's the thought of answering the phone and not knowing the correct answer and doing the deposit. Guess I'll just do what I can and beg forgiveness and ignorance for what I mess up.

Today is Asher's first birthday! It should be a fun time of ripping paper, squeals of joy, and messy cake at my house tonight. Wish you all could join us. Annie is making a Nemo cake. Beth got him a zebra bouncy ride 'em thing, Annie got him a noisy toy that you shoot these balls through, I got him a zebra in a train car to go with a zoo train thing that he got for Christmas, Nemo PJ's, two sippy cups that have pop up straws (NO more spilling), and little slippers he probably won't keep on his feet, but since they were only $2 I thought I'd try.

Other Asher news: he's walking. It's so adorable. The new configuration of living room truly facilitated this. It's so hard to believe a year has gone by--they really do grow up too fast!

Go Boom

So I’m sitting here reading and thinking. I’m sitting here with my foot up. I fell last night. I was coming down the stairs holding Caden—he’s okay. I made sure of that. I, however, have an extremely sore ankle. I have full range of motion—I even went and worked out at Curves this morning (not going to use any excuses to not go), so I’m thinking it’s just nicely strained or sprained. Ouch. I have an ankle support on it and that is helping. I was going to take some Alieve…but it’s buried in a box…somewhere.

But I digress…

Tomorrow I’m teaching two classes. The first is on personality. I love teaching this. We use the Trent/Smalley inventory that results in each participant identifying whether their personality is that of a lion, a beaver, a golden retriever, or an otter. I then link that with other inventory information and discuss personality and the workplace, relationships, and communication. It’s a fun look at the topic that really provides some personal information and insight enabling the participants the opportunity to look at themselves in a non-threatening but enlightening sort of way.

The second class I’ll be teaching is on genius. We all are geniuses, you know. We’re the experts on us. It leads to a discussion of motivation and dreaming. It’s good stuff and quite a bit of fun for me.

On Wednesday I’ll teach about creating SMART goals and on Thursday I’ll be teaching about improving our communication skills.

It’s now time to get ready to go home to prepare for training at Curves. I wish I was enjoying this, but my trainer is trying to train and run the business. I have learned how to clean the place. I also understand the machines and the process. Wish I felt more like I was ready to do the job. So far it’s been a lot about selling the place. I have three more days of 4 till 8 (Mon., Tues., Wed.). I’m just planning to work very part time: every other Saturday and an evening each week. Not much work for a lot of benefits—it’s all good!

Well, I need to run…er, hobble. Actually, the ankle is feeling better. Spending time at the computer today has really helped. TTFN.

Moving Day

Well, we’re moved.
We had several come and help this morning. All but three were from our Sunday School class. One had serious heart attacks a couple years back. One had double cataract surgery last month. One had a double mastectomy last summer. One was close to 70. The others weren’t spring chickens—but golly how they all worked. A wonderful lady in our class brought us an amazing lunch—on the way over to feed and care for her bedfast daughter who has MS.

Bottom line: I got my socks blessed off today and so did Nelson. Nelson was very careful to abide by the lifting limitation that has been imposed upon him since his injury: nothing more than 25 pounds. I was hard for him to ask for help. Hard to accept it. But hardest of all was watching everyone else work and only really being able to direct traffic.

Another person that just impressed my socks off and blessed my little heart was Beth’s boyfriend, Ron. Wow. This guy worked tirelessly moving boxes and then today was the strongest young back we had. He moved all the appliances. We sent Ron and Beth to Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner as a small way of saying thanks for all their hard work.

I have so many boxes to unpack. I had to come into the office to get something and snuck in a couple moments here on the computer. We’ll be without computer or cable until Monday. Hopefully by then I’ll resurrect the office…wish me luck on that one.

Well, Ann just called and wants a treat from Dairy Queen. She had baby duty all day—no easy task! Guess she deserves a treat too. A Moolatte sounds kind of indulgent to me too!

Sleep well…I know I will!

Part of the Plot

It's been a wild week. Lots of packing. We thought Asher might have chicken pox, but it only turned out to be a viral rash after a couple days of high fever. Thank you, God!

I've worn some of my skinny clothes and it feels so good. I am finally feeling okay about looking attractive. There was such a mental stigma attached to that for me. What typically would happen is that I would get right at the edge of feeling good and I would balloon back up.

Ballooning shouldn't be much of an issue for me. I got a part time job with Curves!!! I'm so excited. My membership will be paid as a part of my compensation--so I've done a good thing to reduce our monthly expenditures. And then my paycheck will serve as my mad money...so I won't need to ask for money--which I'm totally no good at. I start training today.

Ann and I were talking on the way home from our workout at Curves. Nelson has been a packing machine. After packing too much of the bathroom--leaving us no neosporon to use in the meantime, he's been more careful to leave the essentials unpacked until the move on Saturday. Ann decided he went to far again. He packed all the hot chocolate!
We had a good chuckle. Daddy just didn't see cocoa as an essential. Now isn't that just like a man for you? We (I) decided that the recent medical revelation that chocolate has benefits for one's cardiovascular system is really just a ruse by an underground feminist group to get men to quit dogging us about our absolute need for chocolate. As long as they believe that there's value then perhaps we won't have to indulge our cravings in secret any longer.

Now, if we could just find a medical substantiation for cookie dough!

Hershey Kisses for everyone!

Beautiful Day

Yesterday was a Cinderella sort of day! I took my gift cards and headed south to the fancy-schmancy mall.

First, I went to Talbots. I have loved their clothes but never been able to shop there. Card in hand, I began to pick out a few things. I was tickled when I was able to purchase a pair of really nice black dress slacks, a plum colored jacket and a deep turquoise blouse—all in a size 12!!!!

I realized in the morning, before I went shopping, that last January 1 I wore a size 24 pants and a man’s size 2X shirt—and they were tight. So when the little clerk tapped on my dressing room door and asked if the sizes I picked were working for me, I just giggled and squeaked out a weak “yes.” I explained my absolute delight as I was checking out.

After Talbots, I went to Ann Taylor Loft. This was a new store for me, a little more “trendy” than I’m used to. They were having a clearance sale, so I was able to get three skirts and three sweaters there for my gift card. The skirts are so different from my normal wear—these actually show some of my calf! (blushes with the audacity!)

Next I went to Linen N Things. Oh my! I was like a kid in a growed up candy store. I called Nelson and told him that I couldn’t do this on my own, so we decided to visit after we moved in and had a better idea of what we needed in the new house. Spending there is going to be SO much fun!

After leaving that shop empty handed, I went to Barnes and Noble. Hi, I’m Daisy and I’m addicted to books. I shopped and browsed, and shopped some more, but as all good Cinderella’s know, I needed to make my purchases and beat feet so I wouldn’t turn into a country bumpkin. Good thing I left when I did, too, as it was spitting snow and windy all the way home.

It was just a glorious, therapeutic kind of day. I felt pretty. I felt loved. I enjoyed my company.

Then I went back to work today. I spent the day in the factory. My goal was to check out what was going wrong and where we needed to tighten things up. There were several very costly errors, though caught prior to shipping, that just need to not happen. I found so much stuff today, that my boss determined I need to spend the rest of the week (at least) there at the factory getting things back on track. So, one of my co-workers is going to go to meet with my clients in the satellite counties. This is a disappointment for me, but I’m doing better with it now. It’s just hard to not take it as a demotion.

We’re coming along well on packing for the move. Everything is out of the basement and attic and many boxes have been packed from rooms around the house. All the utilities will be in our name this weekend and we’ll start moving some things. The truck has been reserved for the 13^th. Hopefully there won’t be a blizzard then…

Christmas Morning

Merriest and Happiest!!!

Well, the trash is all at the curb and the kidlings are enjoying their toys, including Ron who is picking away at the guitar that Beth bought for him. I bought Nelson a new pocket knife which he proceeded to cut himself with trying to get the little “keep-it-in-the-package ties” on his pocket watch. He needs stitches but with no insurance he’s in the kitchen fixing lunch. I should probably take the chef knife I bought him, but he looks so much like the Iron Chef using it! (insert big grin)

While we were cleaning up after the mass opening, Nelson announced that we all needed to carry boxes out today—2 per person. I carried 2 bins (the absolute hugest) for each person and put them in the garage. Had to make up for not being able to go to Curves today!

Nelson bought me Escape perfume—my favorite, which they no longer make (why do I always fall in love with the scents they decide to can?), and Liz perfume—my second favorite! He also got me gift cards to Linen-n-things, Talbots, Ann Taylor Loft, Barnes and Nobel, and Crabtree and Evelyn. I’m excited about all that shopping!!!!!

I’m reading a book I took out from the library—imagine that! (insert silly giggle) It’s entitled: When is Enough, Enough? What You Can Do When You Never Feel Satisfied. I’m seriously liking it and think there’s going to be lots I can use in the classes that I’m teaching at work. So far, I’m really intrigued by his description of “chronic dissatisfaction” and the part I’m reading about that seems to link well with one of my other favorite books (by Shel Silverstien) The Missing Piece. I would be interested in any feedback you might have on the book.

Well, it sounds like there might be a toy war happening so I better go save Pepa!

Many blessings.

Update and the Library

Penelope did the cutest thing yesterday. There were a couple pictures of me—pre-weight loss in the dining room. One is a picture of Beth’s graduation in 2002. Beth asked Penelope who was in the picture. “Pepa, Bet, and” she paused looked at Beth and said, “Friend.” She didn’t recognize me, I was so heavy in the picture. There was another picture that was just of me and she didn’t know who that was either. Made me feel really good about what I’ve accomplished. I really am a different person.

Update on the housing situation: We dropped off our rental deposit last evening. I spent some time on the phone with the rental agent telling her my story and assuring her that we would be good renters. She called and talked to my boss, Dan, and called me back to let me know she thought it would work. On Monday they called from the rental manager’s office to let us know we were approved. Well, over the weekend we decided, sort of, that perhaps we should consider buying instead of renting—and maybe we should buy a multi-family dwelling. We hunted a bit, but didn’t find anything quickly. We decided rather than rush to buy, we would take the house for a year and do some logical searching. Now I have to find out when we take possession and when we can start moving.

I hate moving. I hate packing. Nelson won’t be able to help much. We’re talking about seeing if we can pay the church youth group to help us. They would earn some money for their mission trip and we would get strong backs! Sounds win-win to me. Then my friend Debbie said she’d help unpack—because she loves to do that. The only thing I hate worse than packing is unpacking. I told her it was a deal!

I’m going to do something quite fun this afternoon. When I moved to this county in 2004, one of the privileges of citizenship that I lost was the ability to go to the public library. Now that I’m off paper (done with probation) I can once again peruse the stacks to my heart’s content—and that’s just what I intend to do!

Hope your afternoon holds a special adventure as well.

Catch Up

I have made some dear friends here. A couple of them (Bless you Hope and Erin) came hunting for me since I've been somewhat absent. I will attach a couple entries from my journal to update you on life as I know it these days. The other thing I need to do is re-gather all my contacts here since my old fav list has died with the laptop...deep sigh and sadness!



Sunday December 10: To squeeze tight.
Yesterday, shortly after noon, Annie called. She asked if I would come get her and the kids. She had been trying to hold on in the marriage, hoping things might change. Final straws broke as words flew yesterday. There were threats of violence and she deterined to leave quickly.Quickly was 3hrs later. I arrived in 2 1/2 and we loaded and left. Penelope thinks we're just visiting Mema and Pepa. She rode with me, chattering away the whole trip.It's going to be very tight.

Our house was advertised as a three bedroom, but it really isn't. There are two bedrooms and a common landing area upstairs that we use as an office and catch all. So for the time being we put the dining room table in the garage and cleared out the dining room. Ron (Beth's soon to be fiance) is loaning us a spare bed and Nelson and I will sleep there since we get up the earliest.

When we get to Sunday School this morning we're going to let our plight be known. Maybe someone either has a larger rental property or knows someone who does. We can't pay a whole lot more. The problem is that there are few landlords who will rent to "people like me." Whisper a prayer for favor if you happen to think of us today.

I had to chuckle last night when Annie said something about an empty nest. Not a problem here. I'm actually going to understand the Christmas line from Bethlehem a whole lot better: no room in the Inn.

Blessings on your day...there are plenty little ones here!

Tuesday December 12: In a few minutes I leave for prayer and share with a friend at a local coffee shop. I look forward to the time.

Well, I no longer have a dining room table. I have a dining room bed. We borrowed a mattress from Ron (Beth's boyfriend). It's only full size so it's a bit small on our box spring, but Nelson and I are re-learning how to cuddle. Thankfully there's a TV in both Ann and Beth's rooms so when we get tired they go to their rooms and we can go to bed in the dining room.

Tonight after work we all went to look at a larger house to rent. I fell in love when I walked in the front door: hardwood floors and linoleum in the kitchen. There are 4 nice size bedrooms. The fourth is the entire third floor. It's all tastefully decorated and has lots of storage space. There's a garage and car port and a nice yard with a couple trees. It's centrally located in town and located where I could live. The biggest drawback is that there is only one bathroom--fortunately it does have a bathtub--babies need one and currently we don't have one that works. The rent is higher but doable. We are leaning toward yes, but I just get the feeling that Nelson has reservations beyond his inability to help move much of anything. We need wisdom on this--much greater than our own.

Beth is out right now with Asher and Penelope and Caden have laid down for naps. I'm just soaking in the silence.........it's such a precious sound.Waves TTFN so as not to disturb the peacefullnesssssssssss.

Further news: On Friday I had a couple conversations with the rental agent about my criminal record. She ended up calling my boss for a reference--bless Dan! She called me back and we still need to go through the formality of the application (and $35), but it looks like a go. The funny thing is now that Nelson and Ron have been talking and they think it might be better to buy a duplex...it would put the move off a little longer, but what we move into would be ours and when one of the girls move out then we could rent the other side and make money towards the payment. Now if we could just get an agent to call us back...

On Prayer

One of my favorite cyber people, who I have been fortunate to communicate with beyond just diary notes, has been going through a really rough time. She’s been growing in her faith and working on her experience of prayer.

Now, many people have been giving her very critical advice, judging her prayers, and her experience. This troubles me—greatly.

Interestingly, we started a quarter this past Sunday in our Adult Bible Fellowship on the Lord’s Prayer. I am quite excited about it. The teacher is one of my most favorite professors from seminary. (He’s also the professor I worked with in 2003 as I presented my story to the ethics class of the counseling program.) Anyway…I wanted to share some of the thoughts from that class because the so eloquently say what I want to say to this friend—and all the critics!

Some quotes on what prayer is not:
The business of prayer does not consist in much thinking but in much loving…Do whatever, therefore, most excites your love. Teresa of Avila
Prayer is not primarily saying words or thinking thoughts. It is, rather, a stance. It’s a way of living in the Presence, living in awareness of the Presence, and even enjoying the Presence. Richard Rohr

Some quotes on what prayer is:
-Prayer is keeping company with God. Clement of Alexandria
-True whole prayer is nothing but love. Augustine
-Prayer is a dialogue of lovers. Calvin Miller
-Prayers are tools, but with this clarification: prayers are not tools for doing or getting, but for being and becoming. Eugene Peterson, “Answering God”

Dr. Reuschling told us: There is no one way to pray (anymore than there is one way to learn or grow in any loving relationship).

Some prayers have words while others are just an ache in our heart that we have no words for.

I pray while I drive. I sing my prayers. I cry my prayers. But I also sit quietly and listen and look and watch—so that I might hear the answers, or direction, or truth that is for me.

Prayer is not duty—it really is my communication with (dialogue not monologue) the One who knows me best and loves me most.