House Stuff and Stuff

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning. And I’m up to get ready for work. We’re just working 6 to noon. I fell asleep in the chair both Thursday and Friday evenings. I’m not sure why I’m so sleepy. Perhaps I’ll blame the weather.

I mentioned that on Tuesday, Nelson and I drove around looking at houses. We came across one that is being auctioned next week. We like the look of things: the style and the landscaped extra lot. He got on the computer and began searching for a mortgage company who would work with us. Then he contacted the realtor to get a showing. We went to look at it after work Friday.

The house is smaller than we thought, but has enough space. It was built in the 30’s so it has character and beautiful woodwork. There are gorgeous hardwood floors throughout!!! The kitchen and bath and a half have linoleum. Two of the bedrooms have huge walk-in closets. There’s an entry closet, a closet in the smallest bedroom, a linen closet downstairs and a linen closet upstairs! The kitchen is smallish, but efficient. And it has good cupboards!!! There’s a 2+ car garage with a full attic and the basement is full, dry, and you can stand up in it!

We were pre-approved by one company through the internet. Then the realtor suggested someone local. Nelson always prefers to work locally when possible so we called her and she’s checking. We learned some interesting things about our bankruptcy and the foreclosure on the house. It’s going to make our payment higher, but the internet guy was able to get everything rolled into the loan: tax, insurance, down payment, and closing costs. Nelson is going to go to the auction and bid. We discussed our limit and will not exceed that. If we get it. great. If not, then there’s something else.

Nelson went to the doctor on Wednesday. He was released to go back to work. He dropped paperwork off at his old boss. If he signs off that there’s no work for Nelson based on his physical limitations then he’ll be free to look for another job. He’s walking a lot more without his cane. He continues to lose weight through the Curves Weight Management Plan—and so do I!

The meeting on Sunday with the nominating committee went well. They asked tough questions and I felt I handled them well. As I thought, though, they chose the candidates from the folks who have been at the church significantly longer than me. The chair of the committee assured me I was a strong nomination and would probably hear from them in the future. I was very honored to have been nominated.

I have assumed a new responsibility through church. I had been writing for the Transformation Journal (www.parkstreetbrethren.org) on a regular basis. Now, I’m going to sort of head that up to help out the volunteer coordinator. Our journal devotions and prompts are based on the scheduled sermon texts. I’ll be dividing those up into daily portions and making sure that the days are covered. Currently, there are three writers for this. I really enjoy the challenge of this project.

Someone asked how singing went on Sunday. It was a blessing. One of the neatest things that came out of it was a piece of mail I received. Our services are broadcast on the local cable channel. This has been a great outreach ministry, both for our shut-ins and to reach folks who don’t attend church anywhere. On Tuesday, I got a card from one of our older ladies who has a degenerative hip disease. She had tatted me a beautiful bookmark and sent a thank you note for my song. I just thought that was so sweet.

Well, it’s time to box the hubs and bearings. Have a glorious Saturday. I’ll be keeping my jacket and umbrella close at hand!

Wonderfull Day!

Well, it started a bit rough. There were problems with the crew at the factory and then some trouble with paperwork. But I determined the world would go on without me.

Nelson and I drove down to Mtown. We strolled through Target first. I found 2 pairs of lightweight sweats to wear to Curves and a pair of dress black pants. I love the clearance racks! The other major purchase was a crock pot. We have a chile cookoff Sunday night at church and Nelson is concockting some kind of entry. I'm sure it will be a winner!

Then we did some grocery shopping at Meijer's. Major purchase there was snacks for Sunday School this weekend and calcium citrate for me. I'm hoping that will stave off the osteoporosus that has been afflicting my mother.

Next was lunch. By this time I was very hungry. We ate at Golden Coral. It was quite challenging to eat smart and healthy, but we both felt good when we were done. The most important thing was that we ate and didn't gorge ourselves.

Then it was a quick to another grocer (Kroger) for Nelson and I shopped next door at Fashion Bug. I guess I'm just a died in the wool Goodwill girl. I just couldn't see spending the high prices there on the tags.

We had to get home so Beth could go to work. After she left, Nelson and I loaded Asher in the car and we drove around town looking at houses for sale. We found about a dozen we're going to check on. We're going to rank them in order of how much we like them and then see what we can even think about affording. We probably won't do anything until after we find out what Nelson will be able to do with work--his appointment with the doctor to discuss the results of his evaluation is this Thursday.

The rest of my day has been playing with Asher. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work--but ready or not I'll be there!

Oh, by the way, I called my sister tonight finally. She gets to go back to work tomorrow with just a reprimand in her file. She feels positive about it. She knew I was disappointed--I didn't deny it. She wanted to get together this weekend, but I bowed out of that. Maybe later.

Well, it's nearly bedtime...until later.

All Gone

Well, I shot my wad and then some at Barnes and Noble. First, I decided that I was going to buy Nelson a cookbook. I combed through the bargain books and found one possibility: a Splenda cookbook. There were some good recipes and I liked the way each one broke down the nutritional values. But I knew what I really wanted was a low carb cookbook so I went to the regular stacks.

There were a lot of choices there and no bargains. I called Nelson to see if he would want one. He told me that the card was for me. I told him that I wanted to get him a Sweetest Day gift and this was a way to get us both something "sweet." He really likes some of the recipes and also the humorous what the guy is presenting stuff. It's called "Eating Stella Style" by George Stella. I'm excited about some of the muffins, sauces, and main dishes. Yum!

With the balance of the card I got a workbook based on the writings of Max Lucado. I have one similar to it based on the writings of Henry Blackaby. I'm quite pleased with that find. Then I bought a book called "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I REALLY like his style. I read another book by him "Searching for Who Knows What." It was a gift from a dear blogging friend. This guy writes about his faith journey in a very honest way--not preachy or filled with christianeeze. I hope this one is as good as the last because I have a friend I want to share it with.

As for my sister...she's been getting "headaches" to get out of doing stuff since she was little. Some of you suggested she may have wanted to be alone. You're probably right. If it weren't for me reaching out to her there would be little to no relationship. That's sort of the way my funny little dysfunctional family is. Nelson wishes I would stop. He's tired of seeing me disappointed. I guess I'm jus such an optimist: I keep hoping things will change.

I worked so many hours last week, Dan told me to take a day off this week. Right now I don't have anything on Tuesday. Nelson doesn't think I can not go in. Whatever will I do with a day off during the week? I'm not sure but thinking about it sure makes me smile!!!

I'm singing a solo in church this morning and have my meeting with the nominating committee this afternoon. I'm thankful for the peace I have about both.

Guess it's time to rev up the hot water tank and start the shower parade. TTFN

Saturday

I think my sister is allergic to me. She’s going through a really difficult time at work, and I found out she was going to be alone this weekend (her boys would be visiting their dad this weekend) so I suggested we get together at a fancy-schmancy mall in Columbus to eat and shop.

I worked this morning 6am until noon. We worked hard. I was going to come home, shower, change, and head to Columbus. Just as I left the building I got a voice mail on my cell phone. I listened to it as I pulled out of the lot. It was my sister. She woke up with an earache and just didn’t feel up to getting together.

It is easier to count the number of times that she has come through on something we’ve planned together than all the countless times that she’s cancelled. And it’s always with some kind of ailment: headache, cramps, sore throat, hangnail—okay, maybe that was a minor exaggeration. It has happened so often that I really wonder if she really is allergic to me.

She not only called my cell, she called my home and told Nelson what was going on. He said he’d have me call. I don’t want to call. I don’t want to talk to her. I wish I wasn’t so disappointed. I hate that I let my hopes get up.

I thought about going on down to Columbus by myself, but decided against that and mowed yard instead. It was a good way to get my exercise in and my frustration out. Now that’s done until next spring—according to Nelson.

The sun is shining so nice I may go take a walk in a little bit. Or drive down to Mfield to Barnes and Noble. I’ve got a gift card just burning a hole in my wallet. Nelson says shop. I love that man.

A Little Tired

I’m tired. I worked 10 hours today in the factory. But my body isn’t near as tired as my mind. I had to write one guy up today for careless, unsafe, and opositional behavior. Another guy left work because his stomach hurt. He wouldn’t switch to an easier position. A couple that said they would be there at 6:30 failed to get childcare so they weren’t there. Twice today I just put my head down on the work table and prayed.

The day started out so well. I weighed in. At home the scale said that I’ve lost 43 pounds. I measured at Curves and I lost a total to 5.5 inches and 10 pounds in the past 4 weeks. I was quite excited about that!

I’m still really enjoying my job. It looks like three days a week I’ll be doing work with the two counties. Typically I’ll be in one county Wednesday afternoons and the other on Friday morning. The plan is that I’ll work in the factory on Thursday, but this week I was needed on Tuesday, too. I’ll probably end up working on Saturday, too. Sometimes it’s no fun to be salary. I spent several hours on Wednesday working with people on their resumes. I love helping people see themselves in more positive ways.

I am writing for the church website every week. Our website has a component called the Transformational Journal that follows the Pastor’s scripture passage. I write a couple devotionals for that. I got a little carried away and wrote for the entire next week. I also write the small group study guide. We’ve gotten some good feedback. It’s been a wonderful challenge to have to write this way every week.

Nelson had his evaluation with the outside therapist on Monday and Tuesday. It was five hours each day. Ten hours of torture. There were many things he couldn’t do. As is typical, the evaluator couldn’t tell him how he did—she wasn’t authorized to interpret, only report. He has an appointment next week with the doctor. That’s supposed to be when we learn what he’ll be able or not able to do. Again we wait for the unknown.

Someone from church nominated me for the Leadership board. I was very touched, but I’m sure that I’m way too new and my legal issues are too hot a potato for me to be considered. That’s ok. It was nice to be nominated.

Well, it’s time for snack and game 7 of the NLCS. I’m really looking forward to the World Series. I love sports.

Week 2

It’s Sunday morning. I want to process through last week’s events on the one hand, but realize that my second week is hanging heavy on the horizon.

It was such a good week. Sure, Tuesday afternoon I spent so much time on the phone that I feared a permanent crook in my neck. I was trying to connect with employers in the one county to get them to come to a Workplace Development Program meeting. I left about two dozen messages, and actually talked to about three people. What’s up with that? Our technology may help, but it’s a sad commentary on the state of our relationships.

I started the week out very quietly, shadowing Dan and Bob. I observed and took a lot of notes. By Friday, I was adding to the discussions and presentations. I’ll be an observer this next week, too. Then the following week I’ll be leading on my own. Just writing that stirred the tummy butterflies. Hopefully I’ll be able to tame them a bit this week.

I have a business card. I even had opportunities to hand them out. I didn’t see that ever happening again.

Nelson and I are still following the LGI food plan. He lost 9 pounds! It looks like we finally nudged his metabolism back into action. He’s done with this round of therapy. He has an evaluation next week with an individual from an outside agency. This will determine the next step. We’re going to set up our own little home gym to keep him on the road to recovery.

I feel very scattered. I have started at least 3 other entries and just delete them before posting. I’m not sure why. There just seems to be so much to do and think. And I just haven’t had the time to sit and really process it all. I start to type and someone needs something of me away from the keyboard. Typically it’s Asher—and I just won’t resist his plea for my attention.

After church and lunch:
Church was good. Nelson and I (after some long discussions) decided to start attempting the 11:00 traditional service at church. Nelson is more familiar with the hymns and choruses and it also gives us more time to get Asher ready. It means that I had to quit playing on the worship team—and I’ll miss that, but this seems to be better.

We had our second Sunday of the month lunch with Nelson’s old boss. They called last night and said the group had decided to go to Cici’s Pizza restaurant. I got on line right after the call and looked up the nutritional values of their food. We decided to scrape the pizza fixings off 4 pieces and count it as two pieces. It may sound weird, but it’s the toppings that we really like. So we enjoyed our pizza tops and some salad. I was so wonderfully satisfied that I wasn’t even tempted by their fruit pizza or their typically scrumptious cinny rolls.

Part of the reason I was motivated to be so “good” was that yesterday when I weighed in I was down a couple more pounds. When I started this weight loss push on January 1, I weighed 227. On February 15 I started Nutrisystem and I weighed 224. When I started Curves I was down to 207. When I started the LGI plan with Curves I was at 197. Last Monday I was at 191. This morning when I weighed in I was at 188.5. It feels good…really good. I haven’t lost the weight quickly, so hopefully I’ll be better trained and therefore better able to keep it off.

One of the painfully humorous results of my losing weight happened yesterday. We drove up to Nelson’s folks in Toledo to get the extra car that Nelson drove up last weekend when he went to get my Mountaineer (which I’m still LOVING). I left before him because Asher was getting nap ready. When I was putting Asher in his seat, I slipped off the curb and my foot turned in my shoe and I fell onto the grass and couldn’t get back up. It all happened because my shoes are getting to big. So not only am I needing a new clothing wardrobe, but I’m going to have to buy new shoes. Guess I’ll donate the others to Goodwill.

Well, time for dinner.

First Day

I had a good day. It felt so good.

I started the day by fixing a problem at the factory. I had to fix a couple more later in the day. It’s challenging to fix problems from a distance.

First thing I did when I got to my new work space was move my desk. Then I unpacked a few things (like pics of the grandsweeties) and made the desk more my own.

After Monday morning staff meeting, I went to a county social service agency luncheon meeting. Free lunch! Got to love this. It was an interesting meeting—I love to network.

In the afternoon I met with Dan and Bob to discuss how they lead a class and how I’m going to do it. It’s good and I’m excited.

Then I met with the Citizen Circle committee. I actually enjoyed a committee meeting. Go figure!

Tomorrow I start at 6:30 with devotions for the packaging group and then I have to iron out a few problems and then I’m getting trained on how to do all the paperwork for shipping and receiving. Then, I’m going to try and figure out how to turn on my phone. They got a pay as you go Verizon phone for me. They picked Verizon because Bob and Dan both have them and the plan let’s us call any other Verizon phone free.

Tomorrow night I’m going to go to a conference here in town. It’s Domestic Abuse Awareness Month and the T-Net was asked to have a “booth” there and someone to answer any questions about what we do/offer. Neither Dan, nor Bob can be there so guess who gets to represent the agency on her second full day? Yay!

Right before the Citizen Circle meeting, I called Nelson to see where he was en route to home. He wasn’t too far away. I asked how he liked the car and I think I heard him purring. So far, he’s quite pleased with his purchase. Everything seems to be working. It needs a real good cleaning. I’ve never had leather seats—wonder how that will be in the dead cold of winter? Guess that’s what seat covers are for.

So it was a good day. And it looks like more will be coming.

Kisses!

(This is the second day of our Sunday School bus trip. Nelson was able to go along and that's been such a blessing. The first day we drove to Gettysburg. It was rainy and gray all the way and when we arrived at the battlefield, the sun poked through. It was a very moving experience for me.)

Hershey Kisses, that is!

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning. I woke up early to Mother Nature’s alarm clock: Get to the potty, NOW! Perhaps you’ve had those kinds of wake up calls.

Yesterday was such a beautiful day. We ate breakfast at the hotel. It was a relaxed time. The storms from the day before had moved on, leaving us with a crisp and clear fall morning. It was fun to drive through the Pennsylvanian hills to Lancaster.

We spent the morning in an area called the Kettle Kitchen village (http://www.kitchenkettle.com/home.html). Nelson was such a trouper! He followed me into all the shops and even acted interested as I oohed and ahhed all the sights and smells. While everyone else ate at the Amish cooking type restaurants, we snuck across the way to Subway and indulged in a yummy salad.

(Interjected side note: On Monday of this past week I started the weight management class at Curves and Nelson and I are following their plan for 6 weeks. It’s not a “diet” per say, but a method that really teaches you to read the labels and eat well according to the Glycemic Index. I’ve lost several pounds and feel really good. Reading the labels has been very enlightening. Our proportions were way out of control again. And I’ve been rudely awakened to the enormous quantity of carbs I’ve been packing away!! Not good at all! I’ll keep you posted on our progress. It’s not been easy on this trip, but we’re helping each other stick to it.)

Last evening we had a wonderful experience. We attended the production/presentation of “Ruth” at the Sight and Sound Millennium Theater (http://www.sight-sound.com/WebSiteSS/getlanguages.do). It was a wonderful play, magnificently prepared and presented. I just kept walking around saying, “Wow!” I would love to go back and see some of their other productions. Wow!

Today it’s on to Hershey. More time to visit little shops and take a tour. Then on our way back home we’ll stop at the Flight 93 Memorial. I’ll let you know how it all goes later. It probably won’t be tomorrow, because it will be a day spent on the road also. Nelson and I have to drive to Toledo, to his folks. That’s over a two hour trip. We’ll have Asher with us. I’m leaving him there and driving home after Asher gets to visit his great-grandparents. Then on Monday, Nelson and his dad are venturing up into Michigan to pick up my “new” car. He bought me a Mercury Mountaineer off Ebay. This is the 6th car he’s gotten for us that way. He wanted me to have something safe and road worthy driving in the snow belt this winter with my new job. I’m excited to get it. She’s not a new beast, a 1997 with a little rust, but she also has quite a few bells and whistles.

A final thought for today: As we drove through Gettysburg on our tour, we were directed to the Lutheran seminary and informed of its role during the battle. A seminary on a battlefield. It conjures up all kinds of images for me and raises several theological questions. I would love to sit in some of the classes and experience how the battle impacts their study and preparation. I would think it would have to…at least I would hope.

May there be lots of chocolate kisses in your day!

A Job

I met with the representatives of the T-Net board yesterday after work. The interview went well. It wasn’t your typical job interview. But then, this isn’t your typical job. It’s truly a ministry position. I mean, when was the last time someone asked what your spouse thought about the position? That is a standard question asked by church boards interviewing prospective pastors—at least it was in my experience.

The board decided instead of going with medical insurance to create a medical savings account and we would still have to secure our own medical coverage. Nelson has found some possibilities he’s going to check further into.

We talked about some interesting things. Here are some things that I shared:
-When asked what I brought to this position, I shared that I felt I brought a depth of empathy not often found by wounded people seeking help. I can really come alongside folk and understand the negativity, and neverending judgment. My experience also enables me to be better equipped to confront the game-playing and poor me attitude.
-When asked what I would change about what T-Net is doing, I said that I thought they needed to do more to help folks find housing and create more opportunities for work placement—so I really wouldn’t “change” anything, I would work to expand what they’re already doing. Something that I thought about but never articulated was that I think they need to do more to secure grant money for funding—an area that I’m excited about helping with.
-When asked when it was that I felt restored, I shared that I’m not sure I fully feel restored. I talked a bit about how I experienced substantial healing through the process I went through with the Mennonite church I had been pasturing. Release came again this spring when I was released from my ordination with the Church of the Nazarene, enabling me to become more fully involved in the Brethren Church we’re attending. But even with all that, I don’t want to loose touch with my brokenness.
-When asked what/who my ideal supervisor is/was, I explained that is one of the saddest things about considering this position for me. By far the best supervisor I have ever had is the one I have right now. Ed is genuine, supportive, encouraging, positive, and is all those things with everyone. I told the board about how when I fist was asked to consider this position I went to talk with Ed about it. He spent quite a bit of time helping me sort through things and then when we were done he prayed with and for me.

That’s enough of that.

Dan called me this afternoon and offered me the position. Nelson is still nervous, but supports me in this. When I’m done writing this I’m going to write my resignation letter.

Update on the blowup: Nelson has been very aware of his word choices. He has been opening up more and we have moved from silence, to conversation, to a more natural humor, to life without eggshells. It’s good.

Well, I better stop now and write that letter---I’m procrastinating and I’ll have to think about what that’s about.

Words Hurt

Words Hurt

I think that’s why I’m a rehearser.

I grew up in a home where words were spewed out of anger or disgust. Things were said without any thought given to the repercussions (I just spent way too long trying to figure out how to spell that word).

I’m almost sure that’s one of the major reasons I rehearse what I’m going to say. On the one hand, I am able to hear what I’m thinking before I say it and therefore I weed out most hurtful comments. And then, by rehearsing, I can say all the hurtful things, purging them from my system, before I say what is way more diplomatic.

Yesterday, I should have done more rehearsing.

Nelson went to men’s prayer breakfast. He was quite excited. That made me excited. He just doesn’t get with people very often.

Afterwards he planned to go grocery shopping in M-town (15mi to our south) at Kroger and Meijer—he scours their ads to find great deals. He said he would be home around lunch.

At about noon, I called his cell to see where he was at. He was at our local grocer, getting ready to head home. I knew that he’d be home in about 5minutes so I moved to the front door to be ready to bring groceries in. The baby was just waking up and needed that little bit of extra cuddle time, so Beth was going to keep both Asher and Shera out of the line of traffic. I thought it was a pretty good plan. I was wrong.

As we got to the end of the groceries, there was a flat of cans of fruit, some bags, and a odd-shaped flat of Snapple. Nelson grabbed something and I grabbed the Snapple and the end of the bags. My plan was to come back for the fruit and shut the hatch. I knew my next step was to put everything away.

No sooner had we taken but a couple steps away from the car when Nelson sourly (imagine the most judgmental Rabbit/Eeyore voice) stated that he couldn’t understand why I did it that way. It would have made more sense to give him some of the bags and then stack the fruit and Snapple. I could then stay in the kitchen and start putting away while he went for the last trip and closed the hatch. As he walked in the front door he punctuated his disgust with a comment about how he thought Beth could have been more helpful.

Just beat me with a stick. I was so aggravated. I got the final load and then just stayed in the kitchen putting everything away. When I finally came out, Nelson asked why I looked so upset. I had been fuming through some things I wanted to say to him, but I hadn’t rehearsed them enough. Typically, I would have “lied” and said I wasn’t upset, but this time I said what I was thinking and feeling. I told him I was hurt by his words. I told him I didn’t understand why he snapped on Beth and I. He got loudly angry and protested that he didn’t snap. So, I gave him that, but went on to say that what he did do was put us down because we didn’t do things the way he was thinking and therefore his comments made us feel stupid, worthless, and unappreciated. He got louder. I finished with the groceries and went to my room.

About five minutes after being there Beth came and told me I didn’t have to “hide” in my room because Nelson had walked out and drove away. He hasn’t done that for a lot of years. He stayed gone until nearly 5pm. I tried to call him, but he turned his cell off. When he got home he came in the back door and went upstairs to take a nap.

He got up from his nap around 7ish and went into Beth’s room to get on her computer. I walked up there and asked if we were going to talk. He said no. He didn’t think talking would be good. From now on he was only going to answer questions. He would keep his opinion to himself and initiate no more conversations. I walked away in tears.

The rest of the evening he was true to his word. And he will stay that way. That’s just how he is. I love him but he can be quite infuriating.

I was lonely last night. That’s probably not going to change much.
Words hurt. So does the lack of them.

Multi-level Feelings

Wednesday night Beth worked until nearly midnight. When she got in she woke me up—I fall asleep in her bedroom where Asher’s bed is also. I was a little fuzzy, but she was quick to fill me in on her disappointment with work. She feels unappreciated, even though she goes in early every shift and prepares all her stuff and lots of stuff for others. She picks up a shift whenever asked. She’s trained to be a trainer and is being trained on the bar. But this week the lack of respect and appreciation got to her and she wanted me to help her write a resume. As best I could I tried to think through the info we would need—and then I went to bed.

Thursday when I got home she was home from work already. I asked what her plans were. She and R were taking Asher and going to look for a place to live. Run that by me again? I have so many feelings about this—I don’t even know where to start. Yes, I do. It’s exactly what her sister did to me. After letting me create this huge place in my heart for a special little person, they just yank them out. I watched Penelope every single day. She was my girl and then she was gone. I know, not completely, but it’s so different and so hard on the heart. I have watched Asher every day. I look forward to coming home to his smile. I celebrate each new thing. He’s my heart.

That aside, she’s talking about moving in with a guy. We like him. We like how he treats Beth. We love how he is with Asher. They don’t know each well enough to get married, but they can live together? Part of me doesn’t like it. Part of me thinks it’s better than the garbage that can happen if they get married and it doesn’t work out.

As it was they didn’t find a place last night, but they’re still looking. What’s interesting is that they are only looking in one area of town. Beth has decided which elementary school she wants Asher to go to. He’s only 7 ½ months old! I guess it’s never to early to think about these things.

I worked hard today. I mean I really poured it on. I got sort of irritated—downright ticked off at the lackadaisical attitude of some of the workers. Sigh. It sucks to have such an overactive work ethic.

At one point Mr. R came through the plant showing a group from another plant our strengths and processes. He even brought them back to the packaging area. He walked up to me and asked: Do you still work for us? Uh, yeah. I haven’t interviewed with the board for the other position. He said that the new position holds some good things for me. And then he said, “And D’s not such an a**hole to work with.” I laughed out loud. In one sentence, candidly shared, he put so many of my concerns to rest.

Then at the end of the day, D stopped by to drop off everyone’s checks. I giggled internally thinking again about Mr. R’s comment. While we talked, D basically told me that if I wanted the job it was mine. He just wants me to meet with the board so that they can prayerfully verify what he’s already thinking. Sounds like I need to be prayerfully considering my response to their offer.

I’m really ready for this weekend. I have nothing planned. A little reading. A little writing. And a whole lot of watching football! I’m ready, really ready for some football!

Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.
I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.
This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.


One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense. When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC. Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me.

When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet. And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13th. More time to learn and be ready I guess.

How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Princess of Power

Our bedroom door doesn’t latch. Even before we got the P2, when we ran the AC we would prop something in front of the door to keep it shut. Now we pile things in front of the door to keep the kitten out.

Kitten. Little kitten.

Kitten nothing! She now has a new name. We now call her Shera. When my girls were little there was a cartoon called Shera, Princess of Power. When she was fighting evil bad guys, she would raise her sword to the sky and announce: I have the power! P2 has the power!

Last night I started by putting the laundry basket in front of the door. She pushed the door open. Next I put one of Nelson’s steel toe work boots in the basket. She pushed the door open. Then I put a box up against the door with the laundry basket and boot. She opened the door. So my next step was to put all of Nelson’s boots and shoes in the basket. I laid back in bed confident that she wouldn’t be able to open the door. I kept hearing her pounding against the door, clawing, and mewing. I didn’t hear her for a few minutes and I breathed a sigh of relief. Next thing I knew she pounced on my arm, claws out leaving a good scratch which seemed to punctuate her feelings: I’m in and I’m staying. I waved the white flag and tried to go to sleep.

In the morning I was helping Nelson get ready for therapy and get myself off to work on time. (I had already been to work out at Curves!) I told Nelson that I had a new name for the kitten. He approved. It fits. Tiny kitten, big power.

So now we have to decide whether to move a dresser in front of the door or just learn how to share our bed.

Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.

I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.

This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.

One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense.

When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC.

Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me. When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet.

And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13^th. More time to learn and be ready I guess. How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Don't Tell

Shhhhhh.
You can’t see me. I’m hiding.
Okay, I’m not doing so well at it. Sigh.

It’s been an emotional week.

I realized half way through last week that this was the first year that the anniversary of my father’s death slipped by me and I didn’t even notice. He died in 1989.

On Tuesday, I had to deal with a big disappointment. One of the guys who has been in the program for over a year now really screwed up and was arrested. I have poured a lot of time and energy into this guy. We were at the PO”s office at the same time and he deferred to me, allowing me to go ahead of him. The next morning I found out that he was hit with a probation violation and immediately taken to jail. He was on judicial release, so he will have to finish out his original sentence—about seven years—and then he will face time for whatever charges they will levy against him for new crimes.

I really believed in this guy. I knew when he was blowing smoke, but I never, NEVER, imagined the stuff he was in to. He lied to me about things and left details out of other things. I just wanted to smack him upside the head for being so stupid—but then I wasn’t sure that all my anger was at him. I felt so dumb for trusting and believing—and I don’t want to feel that way.

I thought a lot about that this week, especially as I dealt with the rest of the folk in the program. Who could I believe? Who was lying to me? Will I ever know if they’re telling the truth? What I decided is I trust very easily. I am able to be shrewd and discerning at times—but I tend to err on the side of believing in that there is goodness in people. I want to be that way and it makes me very sad to think about not being that way.

Then there was the job interview. There is so much going on with this and so much not. I’ve talked to some people who know what’s going on and they are of the opinion that if Dan was smart he’d figure out a way to get me insurance because he doesn’t want to and won’t be able to train someone else to do the packaging component of the job as well as I do. There words were encouraging.

This past weekend my mom was here. She and George arrived on Friday about the time I got off work. We played scrabble non-stop all weekend and on Monday too, since I took the day off. It was so good to be with her and George was actually quite well-behaved. That was a major relief.

At one point Mom and I were looking at old family pictures that I had gotten when my grandmother, Mom’s mom, died in 1999. While we were strolling down Memory Lane, Mom looked at an old picture of Grandma and she started to cry. It nearly broke my heart and it made me think about how awful it will be when she’s gone. But hopefully we’ll have lots more Scrabble marathons before we have to think about that.

Tonight Nelson and I had dinner at Ponderosa. I was pleased with how controlled I was with my eating. That felt good. Afterwards we went to check out the Grand Re-opening of our local Goodwill Store. It was a good night to go. Sweaters were on special at $1 a piece. So I picked out 4! I also got a pair of dress navy pants and a pair shorts to wear working out at Curves. For all that I paid $7.27. I was quite pleased. The really cool thing: I shopped the regular racks. There was soooooooo much more to choose from. I felt like a kid in a candy store.

I did talk with Dan this morning about the job. They’ve interviewed the other guy and today there was a board meeting at which they would decide when they would meet with us. Hopefully that will happen within the next week. In the meantime, I’ll try to come out of hiding. I’m pretty sure I can trust you.

SLAM!!!!

Did you hear that?
It was the sound of the door shutting.
I got a brief email response to my letter.
The answer is no.
Funny…it came on the day when I interviewed for the “opportunity.”
Good thing I don’t believe in coincidences.
The interview went well.
That’s not too surprising, I interview well.
The job description is very doable.
The salary was more than I anticipated.
There is ongoing dialogue about insurance.
Next step: they interview the other guy.
I have some definite pluses (I already know the packaging program—shoot, I created it!).
After that, we will interview with the board of the T-Net.
Many of them know me and the work I’ve done.
The whole process is going to take a couple more weeks.
Maybe by then they’ll know more about the insurance.
I surprised myself when I realized how much I want this job.
I wonder if that has anything to do with the other door slamming shut?

What day is it?

What day is it? I started the day thinking that it was the 9th. I had two orders to get out on the 10th, two orders that had 2400 parts in them. Nearly impossible. Completely impossible given the pokey-couldn’t-be-rushed attitude of my workers. I was steaming!

Late in the afternoon it dawned on me that we had an all-employee mandatory meeting on Thursday morning from 7-9am. I was concerned about leaving the crew unsupervised so I went to my supervisor to discuss it. I kept talking about the meeting that was going to take place “tomorrow.”

Shortly after that conversation I talked with the head of the shipping department and through great guffaws, he set me straight on the day and date. About five minutes later my supervisor came to let me know that he was having a bad day too. He was convinced that the meeting was tomorrow and called one of the third shift guys to remind him. He got quickly set straight. We laughed at each other and decided it’s been a long week already!

This morning I was doing a task that reminded me why I wasn’t and should never consider being a Home Ec teacher. We had run out of bubble wrap that we use to fill the void on our boxes and cartons, so I was cutting strips of this foam stuff to use instead. I was trying to do it like those incredibly talented women at the notions table at Walmart. I always marvel at how they barely move their scissors and whip right through whatever fabric they face. I couldn’t cut a straight line for anything.

The frustration caused me to laugh at myself, especially as I recalled an experience that I had as a substitute teacher. When Annie (dau #1) was a baby, I did some subbing in the county around our small town. One Friday afternoon I got a call from a nearby high school principal. His Home Ec teacher and regular sub were going to some conference and they needed someone to cover two days. The first day would be a sewing day and the second day would be a cooking day. We were so desperate for money, I quickly said yes, and then laughed myself silly after I hung up the phone.

I wasn’t the only one who laughed. Everyone who knew me laughed too. The first day I quickly identified the students who knew how to read patterns and work a sewing machine. I drew their wisdom out and paired them up with kids who had questions. It worked my total lack of any sewing knowledge never was fully discovered.

The second day held equal potential for total embarrassment. The cooking class was making dutch apple pies. I had never, ever made a pie. The class had already been divided up into teams. Everyone was doing well and I was feeling pretty good until one group came up to me and their lovely crumbly topping was a clump of dough-looking stuff. I had no clue how to fix it, so I worked with them to problem solve. They came up with an option and it turned out pretty good. That was a real brow-wiping relief!

And that’s why I was never a Home Ec teacher. And today is Tuesday and I need to go to worship team practice. Later!

Part Slinger

Today was our last early day for a while. I started the day “throwing” parts up on the line. These parts weight at least five pounds each. I pick them up out of a basket two at a time, and put them on the line to move toward the bearing press. This gets increasingly more difficult (and sometimes more painful) as the layers move toward the bottom of the basket. At one point I decided I’m just a part slinger.

Later in the day I moved to packaging. And there I did something I never thought I would do. I did a teaching with a guy that I never thought I’d do. A big chunk of my work with this crew is somewhat akin to a job coach. I’m working to help them make better work choices so that they can hopefully be hired somewhere full-time.

So this afternoon, two of the guys were having a discussion. The first guy said something the second guy didn’t like. He took a step back, thinking he was hidden by a stack of boxes and he “flipped” the first guy off. The problem with that was that he wasn’t hidden by the boxes and I turned around to catch him in the act. He immediately apologized. I let it set a moment and then I shifted in to teaching mode.

I called the guy over and explained that if he felt the absolute need to “salute” one of his co-workers, he was going to have to be a lot more subtle than that. I then proceeded to demonstrate how you have to “camouflage” the action. He insisted he didn’t think he’d get caught. I told him that stepping behind the boxes was an option, but then also pointed out that his very exaggerated motion was done facing the shipping dock and anyone walking by could have seen him, including management. He acknowledged that his action was a bit short-sighted.

I can’t believe I took ten minutes out of my day to teach this. Please know, we also discussed other ways of communication, but you can imagine what he really heard.

The Blizzards were a big hit. It appeared that they were a little surprised that I actually came through on my offer. I was impressed with their expressions of appreciation. Nelson did a great job of getting them there before they melted, too.

I’m thankful that it has cooled down some. We didn’t run the AC all day downstairs. Nelson is outside on the yard swing with Asher. They’re listening to the game. I can hear Nelson talking to Asher, telling what the different sounds are and keeping him updated on the game. I wish it wasn’t so dark, because that would make a wonderful picture.

Our singing was well received last night. We sang an old Imperials song: “If Heaven Never Was Promised to Me”, and two hymn medleys. The first included “Fairest Lord Jesus” and “I’d Rather Have Jesus.” The second is one we’ve sung a couple times at church that the people love to join in on: “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God”; “Rock of Ages”; “Victory In Jesus”; and “Because He Lives.”

It was interesting at the beginning of the meeting, as an ice-breaker, the leader asked us to introduce ourselves and then share what our favorite song was. Several people mentioned some of the hymns in our medleys. When it was my turn, I had to smile, since my favorite song is “Classical Gas” (a song from the 60’s by Mason Williams featuring a guitar solo). Nelson shared that one of his current favorites is “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” He sings it a lot to Asher and it always makes him smile.

I just took a break to do a little reading in the bathroom. That’s where we keep the “Readers’ Digest.” I remembered, while I was reading, a time when I was in a pageant for our little town. One of the questions posed to me by the judges was: what magazines do read at home. The only magazine we subscribed to (other than TV Guide) was “Readers’ Digest.” They weren’t impressed—like somehow that meant I lacked connection to the world. Phooey on them. I didn’t even place in that contest. Guess I didn’t need to be the Tomato Queen.

Well, I’m looking forward to a restful weekend, cooler and completely uneventful. That would be a blessing to my heart. May your heart also be blessed!

Hot Thursday

Everyone should own a Pepa bed. Just about everyday when I come home from work, Asher is asleep on Nelson. He’s there right now. He must be having sweet dreams because he keeps smiling so sweetly. He cut one of his upper front teeth. I called Nelson on one of my breaks this morning and there was this scrappy sound coming through the receiver. It was Asher “gnawing” on Nelson’s cane—he was using Nelson’s cane as a teether! Crazy baby! Crazier Pepa. Though come to think of it, my girls loved to get a hold of my keys to teeth on: something about cool metal felt good, I guess.

It’s supposed to rain here today and cool things down a couple degrees for tomorrow: I’ll believe it when it happens. We’re still working early (5-1:30), but it really doesn’t feel that much cooler at 5 than 7. My little crew is working in a poorly ventilated corner of the plant. We’ve really pushed it this week to get some orders out on time. I told them today that if they got two of three orders we were working on out on time today I would buy them Blizzards (ice cream treat from Dairy Queen) tomorrow. They were amazingly motivated. I don’t think they thought I was serious until I asked them at the end of the day what flavors they wanted. Nelson will go get them and bring them for lunchtime.

I can’t remember if I wrote about this: I’m writing a study guide for our small group ministry that compliments the pastor’s sermon. This has been a really fun exercise for me. I’ve done a few of them ahead of the sermon, which is a challenge as I then am anticipating the direction the pastor may go. The whole process is good to prepare me for the message and keep me reading and researching. I hope they are fitting well, the only feedback I’ve gotten is from the person who is in charge of the project. She’s been very encouraging.

Nelson and I are singing for our supper tonight. A few weeks ago we sang for the traditional worship service and a woman in our Sunday school class who heads one of the Mission Study Groups asked us if we would sing at their banquet/cookout tonight. So in a little bit (when the baby wakes up) we’ll practice that song and a few others. I really love singing with Nelson. We did an encore of the first song at the service where I play on the worship team (8:30am service) this past Sunday. People really like Nelson’s voice. It just makes me smile down to my toes to get to sing with him.

I haven’t heard anything back with regards to my letter. The college president was clearly absent from church on Sunday, so he and his wife may be out of town. I’m about to give up. I was talking to someone about it, and he asked how I was or how I’d handle it if it didn’t pan out. I said I was getting better with the idea. The longer I don’t hear anything, the more hope I surrender and pretty soon it will just be what it is.

Well, it’s time to practice…TTFN

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

I went shopping tonight. I only have one pair of shorts that are comfortable to wear for working out at Curves, and they’re not perfect. They’ve gotten a little bigger and that’s not good since I bought them at a garage sale by mistake—they’re maternity shorts (no insert). So, I have this annoying and extremely unattractive pooch in the front.

So, I went to my favorite little shop: Goodwill. They had no shorts for me. I did however find a couple pairs of jeans. Allow me a brief digression: I went shopping on Sunday in my closet and dresser and found that I could get into a pair of size 16 jeans and also into my size 14/16 pants! That felt quite good. Well, I was feeling a bit brave so I tried on 16’s at Goodwill. Keep in mind: Goodwill is generally used clothing, used jeans mean washed jeans, mean smaller—typically: THEY FIT!!!!!!! I quit being sad about not finding shorts. My mood went soaring!!!

Today I walked 27,198 steps, 4933 aerobic steps, 977 calories, and 9.44 miles. I’m sort of exhausted when I think about it.

It’s been so hot here that they’ve issued a heat advisory. To address that and take care of our employees, the management of the factory where I work decided to offer us the option of working 5-1:30. Everyone accepted the offer—except the crew I supervise. That will probably work out okay, since they’re packing parts faster than we can make them right now. They’ll come in at 7.

No word back on my letter.

Nelson is up to 8 minutes on the treadmill at a speed of 1.2 miles per hour.

I think I’m going to go to bed. Exhaustion is definitely setting in.

Deep Breath

I had to take a lot of deep breaths today. It helped a little. I just couldn’t believe it. And yet I should have absolutely not been surprised.

Right before lunch we were running out of parts to package. I knew that the production line had a basket about 2/3 full that would be ready. I knew that the plant’s production manager (my boss) had put a rush on the work so that my crew would have work to keep them busy. I told the crew (twice) that we were going to work until the parts were done. It was 10:50 so I told them to head to lunch and the basket would be there when they got back.

I was detained 5 minutes by a phone call and when I arrived in our work area the crew had signed out. They had decided that they didn’t want to finish the work and not have anything to do tomorrow so they left. Well, I used my anger energy to move my feet to my office and called the director of T-Net and let him know what had happened. Fortunately, I reached him before they did. He chewed them out and two of the crew came back. One of them said she didn’t want to work. The other knew he was wading in deep doo-doo so he tried schmoozing and blowing smoke. I sent them home. There is no work until Friday.

After they left I talked to the director again. I told him they came out. I told him I sent them home. He told me they told him that I never told them to work until the parts were gone. Friday morning we’re going to have a meeting where they can call me a liar to my face.

I’m a rehearser. I practice anticipated conversations. I’ve done this since I was a child. Some attribute this to being raised in an alcoholic family and my need to be prepared for anything that came my way. After about 20 rehearsings and rehashings, I just had to tell myself to stop! I was alone in my work area and I just started talking/praying out loud.

“God, I don’t want to do this any more. It doesn’t help me to feel better to keep going over this. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t know why I expected anything other than what I got. These folks are in this position because this very kind of behavior, this very lack of work ethic. I don’t need to think about this. Help me to move on, to do my work, to keep only positive and helpful thoughts. Thank you.”

It was a good prayer. I had to pray it (sort of again) after I got home and Nelson asked how my day went. I was able to regain my peace about it.

I’m still going to Curves. Nelson is still working hard at therapy. Beth took Asher to Sears to get pictures taken. It’s hot here. I had thought about mowing but took a shower instead. The grass will be there tomorrow.

Speaking of Curves…I bought a pedometer. I used it yesterday and was pretty impressed with how I did—then it reset itself, because I hadn’t set it right. Grrrrr. Today it worked right. As of right now, 12241 steps, 409calories, 4.25 miles. I feel good about that. I know that it’s keeping me moving at work. I take the longer path to reach where I’m going. And I am feeling good about it. And that’s what really matters.

Oh, and I sent the letter—after I made the corrections. Guess we will really see what we see.

Adjunct

Yesterday was such a nice day. It cooled down so much that we put the screen in the front window, turned off the AC and open wide the front door. It rained off and on most of the day. At one point it was such a gentle rain. I felt completely relaxed.

I remember a conversation I had in therapy way back when we lived in Kansas City. My therapist suggested that in my life I needed that kind long soaking rain spiritually and emotionally. He was right then---and it’s true now as well.

A phrase that rumbles around in my brain now and then comes from Phinneas Brezee (leader in the Church of the Nazarene back in the late 1800’s): I want to be under the spout where the glory comes out. And I just want to soak and soak and soak.

There was an advertisement in our local paper yesterday and larger town’s Sunday paper today for adjunct professors for our local university. I want to teach. Sometimes I want to so bad that my heart literally aches. But the fear I have is stronger even still. I remember how devastated I felt after doing all that prep work for the courses I had been hired to teach before being character assassinated by some “well-meaning” citizen.

So here’s what I did. The newly elected president of the university is a member of our Sunday school class. I wrote him a letter. I wanted to know if there was any chance whatsoever of my getting hired to teach as an adjunct professor. Here’s the letter: (The first paragraph refers to the Sunday school class this morning where Dr. F and some other people shared about the ministry of the Brethren Church in India. The comment about sewing machines refers to the Sewing School that empowers Indian women by teaching them a trade and then providing them with a sewing machine—through the gifts of others.)

July 23, 2006

Dear Dr. F,
First, I just want to let you know that Nelson and I really enjoyed and were challenged by your presentation in Sunday school. We’ve even discussed giving a sewing machine for Christmas. Nelson also commented that if we passed the envelope more than once a month we could sponsor more than one pastor, too. I think we’ve caught the vision.

The main reason for my writing is to check with you about the advertisement I saw in both the Atown and Mfield papers regarding the university’s need for adjunct professors. This is a position that I am extremely interested in, but one that I fear may beyond my reach.

A couple years ago, before we moved to Atown, a woman who is a trustee at Urbana University, who knows me very well, recommended me to the Chair of the Humanities department to teach a couple courses (Personal Philosophy and Christian History). I put a LOT of work into preparation for these courses and was quite excited. I taught the first night of the philosophy course and the next day was in the process of preparing for the first class of the history course when the dean called. It seems that someone called him and completely embellished the truth, and painted a horrible picture of me both as a person, and as a criminal. I was immediately fired and completely devastated. It wasn’t until almost six months later that the trusted friend (and trustee) learned what had happened and informed me. By then, there was nothing that could be done.

In April 2003 I worked with Dr. R, director of the counseling program, to present my “story” to the ethics course of the counseling program at the seminary. Briefly, in 2001 I turned myself in and was convicted of the crime of sexually battery. I served time in jail and am about to complete my time under the equivalent of probation.

Over a year ago now, I had a conversation with Mr. R (company owner). He offered, that if I hung at the factory position for a year, he would use his influence to help get me a position teaching with the university. I was deeply touched, but never pushed or pursued that based on my earlier experience. I know that I’m qualified. I have three Master’s degrees, two from ATS (MA in New Testament and Pastoral Counseling) and an M.Div from the Nazarene Seminary. But I know that no matter what I know or how well I might do, I might be disqualified by my actions. So I am writing to see what the university’s position is and what my chances might be.
I understand you are extremely busy and I deeply appreciate your taking a few minutes to address this matter for me. Continued blessings on your ministry through the university.

Sincerely,
daisymarie

I guess we'll see what we see.

Thank-fully Stuff

I am feeling good.
I joined Curves this week, on Wednesday, and have worked out twice. I like it. I like it, a lot! And it’s going to do something really good for me. I have struggled with being famished when I get home from work. I have started with a snack and ended up eating almost an extra meal. This has stymied my weight loss progress. The two times I’ve worked out I worked out after work and I am in no ways hungry when I get done! It’s wonderful.

Today, after working out, I treated myself to a yummy salad at Friendly’s. I thought it was my night to provide a meal for a lady in our Sunday School class who recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and had mastectomy of the left breast and this week learned that she’ll have to have the right breast removed in August. When I called to suggest going out to dinner, she informed me that someone else already provided her dinner. Huh? I had my mouth all set for a yummy salad out somewhere.

When I got home, Nelson suggested I still go out. So I did. I took a book with me. Ordered a carafe of coffee. Ate my salad. Drank my coffee. Read my book. And enjoyed a Happy Ending Sundae. I love those Sundaes because they’re small enough that I don’t feel like I’m being bad, but so lulicious that I am completely satisfied! Only problem was, it cost too much. The meal was good. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t worth what I paid. I could have eaten at a really nice restaurant for less. Sigh. I need to remember it’s just not worth it the next time I get a hankering for a sundae.

I’ve really been working on my attitude at work. I was finding myself grumbling about all kinds of things. It wasn’t the kind of grumbling you do TO someone else, rather it was the kind you do under your breath ABOUT someone. Typically, it had to do with ignorance or laziness—two things that I’m too easily irked about at work.

Each time I find myself headed down that road, I remind myself that no one can steal my joy and contentment unless I leave the door open and invite them in. People are just going to be people, and that means they’re going to be ignorant and lazy. I don’t have to carry that. I’ve maintained an attitude of “let it go.” And it turned out to be a better week for me. That’s good, because it was a little longer of a week, going in to start work at 5am on Thursday and Friday. Yeah, for overtime!

I must confess though, that I had to shake my head a few times. First, on Thursday, a couple of the guys were having a loud conversation and throughout it they were dropping the “F” bomb. I went over to them and very nicely, and with a large dose of humor asked them how they would feel if Mr. R (company owner) would back there with some guests? They decided it wasn’t appropriate. So, I suggested they stretch their vocabulary and use some different adjectives. The one guy looked at me and as seriously as a heart attack said, “I’m not being negative—that’s as positive as I get.” He thought that “adjectives” was related to his “attitude.” I had to explain the difference.

Today, the crew finished packaging an order, and instead of moving to the next order (and possibly not completing it) they chose to go home at 2:30 (more like 2:15). I used the time to commandeer a tow motor and put away some packaging materials that had come earlier in the day. As I re-entered the packaging area I realized that whoever plugged in the hand operated pull behind (Big Joe) had it blocking my path. Big Joe gets plugged into a battery charger every night. Now, do this one must join the plug from the battery to the plug from Big Joe. That’s not how I found it. Whoever plugged Big Joe in plugged the battery directly into him—this is a sure ticket for frying the circuits. I’ll have to address this on Monday. Nelson bets that “no one” plugged Big Joe in. He’s probably right.

Sigh. Some days it’s really hard to stave off the frustration. Then I remember it’s Friday and I am abundantly thank-full for the weekend. And that very thought makes me smile. Having spent 20 years in ministry, I never really understood why people “lived” for the weekend. I didn’t really have a weekend. I worked everyday—and extra on Sunday. Now—I get it! And now, I treasure that down time—I’m actually quite jealous for it.

So, enjoy your weekend. Stay cool. We’re supposed to be a couple degrees cooler so I guess I’ll mow. Yehaw!

Oh wait—I almost forgot. Nelson had an appointment with his doctor this morning. He was released to walk again—just don’t pull out the stiches! So he actually walked on a treadmill at physical therapy!!! He had a major improvement in the range of motion in the ankle. This is wonderfully wonderful!

Sweeties Weekend

Saturday was a wonderful mema sort of day. Ann and Travis were going to a Cincinnati Reds baseball game (about 2.5 hours from their home). They were going with a bunch of people from one of Travis’ ball teams. They were also going to make a day of it in Cincinnati (the game didn’t start until 6:00pm). Ann asked if I would watch the kids.

(Just an aside…isn’t it interesting. I live 2.5 hours away. Travis’ parents live 8 miles from the kids. I was the one who was asked. They are nice people, just not the all day babysitting kind.)

I said of course I would.

So, I got up as early as I would on a regular work day, drove across the state, and got to spend the day with my two grandsweeties.

Now, I think I’m beginning to understand why we have children when we’re young! Penelope is 2.5yrs old and Caden is 8mo. For some reason, neither of them decided that they needed to take a nap. Fortunately, Caden went to bed at 8:30 and Penelope at 9:00 and Mema at 10!

Penelope and I have a wonderful connection. I’m one of her favorite toys. Caden is a completely different story. I don’t know him. We did better yesterday, but I don’t know how to read him like I do Penelope or Asher. I may need a few more Saturdays to feel comfortable and competent with that little guy.

Yesterday was also an anniversary for Nelson and I. Those of you have been with me a while know that Nelson and I celebrate 3 anniversaries a year: our first date, our engagement, and our wedding. I am quite blessed to have a man who remembers them all and uses each opportunity to do something quite special for me or us as a couple. I wasn’t sure with everything that happened this week if he would have time to do anything or even get a card. I was wrong.

As I was leaving yesterday, Nelson pointed out that a card had been delivered for me. It was one of those really heart warming, romantic Hallmark cards and tucked in the envelop was also a plastic card—for Barnes and Nobles!!!!!!! What a good man I have! Now I just need to find some time to run down to the next town to the south and browse, shop, and maybe even enjoy a decadent cup of extremely overpriced coffee. Mmmmmmmm!

This morning I got up at 4:30am and drove home so that I could be at church in time for worship team practice at 7:30am. I made it with time to spare. And I wasn’t exceeding the speed limit either. One of the neatest things about the trip was to be driving home right into a gorgeous sunrise. The colors were so amazing. I counted it as a precious gift and enjoyed it for miles and miles and miles.

Our afternoon has been spent watching Asher—no really watching him. He’s learned to sit up on his own. He was also watching the NASCAR race with us. It was so funny to watch him sitting in front of the TV yelling at the cars as they flew by on the screen. I’m actually about laughed out.

I was going to mow the yard, but the heat index is still over 100degrees and it’s nearly 7:00pm. Nelson and I decided that the grass would still be there tomorrow. Wisdom says it’s really ok to put off till tomorrow what I might be able to do today.

I think I’m going to find something soothing to drink and cuddle up in bed and hopefully fall asleep early. Sweet dreams.

Face of Grace

We saw the face of Grace on Tuesday. One of Nelson’s biggest concerns as he faced his surgery was the starting of the IV. Now, for most people that might not be a big deal, but for Nelson it is a very painful process—typically that is.

We had been hanging out in the surgery waiting area and had already been notified that the surgeon was running about a half hour late. Finally, a green scrub garbed woman entered our curtain area. She greeted Nelson and informed us that she would be starting his IV. I was amazed how well we were able to quash our unified groan.

Quickly, our green garbed angel, who identified herself as Grace, set about the task of locating a vein and gathering her supplies. I wanted to shake my head as she began to work on a vein in Nelson’s right hand. This was never going to work. I bit my lip, struggling with protecting my husband from unnecessary rooting and assuming that I could tell this woman how to do her job.

What happened next amazed us: she loosened the rubber strap and pronounced that she was done. What? One stick and success?

Nelson was the first to speak: “Honey, write down her name. Any time we have to come back, the only woman who can come near me with a needle is Grace. I stopped short of leaping from my chair and hugging sweet Grace. I did thank her profusely. I was deeply appreciative and thankful for her skill and finesse.

Many things happened that day to reassure me that are prayers had been answered. God gave us Grace to bring comfort to my heart and remind me that He was—and is in control.

Surgery Day

At the hospital:
Okay, this is too weird. I brought the computer along today to do some writing while Nelson was having his surgery. As the computer was coming up it told me that it was recognizing internet connections and did I want to connect. So I did! This is so cool. I thought I'd be off-line until I got home whenever that would be...and now I'm posting and entry. Sometimes technology is cool, even when I don't understand it.Nelson is having some of the wires removed from his ankle as they appear to be pressing against his tendon and inhibiting his ability to bend his toes--along with causing him constant pain in his big toe. This was supposed to be out-patient surgery at the office, but here we are at Akron General again--almost a year exactly from his last surgery.Well, I'm going to play some scrabble--while I can. I'll update later at home.

Well, we’re home. The surgery took less than an hour and he was in recovery even less time before they contacted me to come and get him because he was ready to go. Wow!

The doctor left orders that Nelson is to be non-weight bearing for a week. That’s going to be hard. Good thing we still have the walker. It was a little tricky to get in the house but he managed to hop his way in. The problem is that he can’t get upstairs and will have to sleep in the living room. I’m thinking of going to our local furniture store and get him a recliner. It would give him something comfortable to sit in but also sleep in till he can get back to bed.
I spoke with the doctor over the phone in surgery waiting after the surgery. He said he was able to remove the wires, but made some comment that left me feeling/thinking that he wasn’t sure how much mobility Nelson was actually going to get back after this. Time will tell.

Well, I’m off to the furniture store. Be back later.

Ok. I'm back from the furniture store. Well, make that 2 furniture stores. I went into the one where we bought our washer and dryer in April. It's the bigger of the 2. The prices were high and no one talked to me until I decided to leave. Their loss. I went two blocks down the street and found better prices and someone greeted me right when I walked in. I found a terracotta colored, microsuede fabric rocker recliner within the range I could pay. It's a Berkline. When you recline it...it's sooooooo smooth!!!! Like butter. I'm so pleased. It'll be a good chair for Nelson: day and night.

So it's been a good day. Nice surprises. I'm very thankful...and a little bit tired. Bedtime will be early tonight!

P2

Isn't she adorable!!! (One of these days I'll figure out how to put text with pics...sigh) Anyway, her name is P2. We had a much loved calico many years ago who ran away from home. She's having great fun exploring!!! She's quite soft and gives little kisses. I'm already in love!

Look Who's New At My House

Here's the pic

New Sweetie Pic

This was taken on Father's Day after Caden's dedication. We couldn't believe that the girls dressed the boys in the same outfit! I love the sweeties!!!

Reflections and Rejoicing

So, I’ve been trying to listen more. Here’s some of what I’ve thought and some of what I’ve heard.

I started working on a new machine…new to me that is. It’s a Telesis pinstamp which I use to put a date stamp on some relatively heavy parts and then I load them on the line. Anyway, I noticed that the rhythm felt familiar. Then I found myself trying to put words to it. The words that came to mind were from the old hymn: It Is Well With My Soul. The phrase was: sorrows like sea billows roll. The next phrase in the song is: whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul. I kept singing it over and over and over…and I felt much calmer this week.

Sometimes I get the funniest thoughts while I’m working and thinking. It occurred to me there in my moments of solitude that I was a little like Superman. You know, he was Clark Kent until he was “needed.” Remember Clark, the mild mannered reporter by day, and superhero when “needed.” I’m a mild mannered materials handler by day and spot on Bible teacher when “needed.” I just wish I was needed more.

One of the descriptions in the Nurturing Silence book for a “noisy heart” is a heart that is struggling with relationship issues. The between people problems that we face can raise the noise levels in our heart. Oates quotes one guy who said he cared too much for his blood to stay in a working relationship that left him with growing anger and discomfort. It reminded me a lot of how I was feeling when I was working in that other area for that guy who had no people skills and even less ability to manage and organize the department. As I read the description I just felt so much better and healthier for having gotten myself out of that situation.

I also noticed something the other day when I was working with the packaging group. They were listening to a really hard rock radio station. I was thankful that I was far enough away that I really didn’t have to be saturated with the noise and negativity. After a bit, I noticed that the station had faded out and all that they were listening to was static. It was like ten minutes before anyone moved to tune the station back in. It seemed like any noise was better than quiet. That so is not the case for me!

On the home front: Something really neat came out of Nelson’s first therapy session on Wednesday. In April at Nelson’s last appointment he got on the scales to check his weight. He weighed so much that it wouldn’t even register. The therapist guestimated that his weight was probably around 375-380 lbs. When he got on the scales on Wednesday, he weighed 339!!! It did so much for his spirit to realize that his hard work has been paying off. And it’s going to just keep coming off. His therapy is at 30min a session this week, next week he’s off, and then he jumps to 45 min 3x a week, and then 60 min! I better get on the stick or he’s going to just outdo me to pieces!!

I had jotted down some other thoughts, but left the paper on my desk at work…fodder for another entry!

Nurturing Silence

Sunday school went well. I was rushing just a bit to get the last 7 rules (we did the first 3 last week) done today. It was also a bit unnerving to have the teacher (a PhD professor from the seminary) that I was filling in for show up for the class. And on top of that both my supervisor and the company owner were in class this week. Then throw in this cough that just doesn’t want to quit---and I’m thankful it went so well.

At one point in the discussion I shared something that I had shared with one of the folks whose journal I read. She has been facing some really tough stuff from her mother’s cancer and other illnesses, her son’s depression, her husband’s struggle with losing his job. She described it as feeling like each issue was crack from an iron skillet in the hand of God. Now, I’m not one to preach in my notes. I shy away from criticism and try to only make positive comments. But I really took a risk to let her know that I didn’t think it was God bonking her with that skillet, but the enemy of her heart and soul. What she needs to see—what we all need to see and experience is that God wants to envelop us in his love and grace. When we face the tough times, God’s deepest desire is for us to experience his presence as the God of all comfort and consolation. I told the class that if they felt like they were being bonked it wasn’t God because God doesn’t even own a skillet—in fact there isn’t even a kitchen in heaven! The point was well taken.

I snuck away for a little time yesterday to take in some quiet. I went to my room, sat in my corner chair, and picked up my copy of “Nurturing Silence in a Noisy Heart” (by Wayne Oates). Oates speaks early to our need to listen more and speak less. This has always been an area of struggle for me. When I get nervous I talk. When I feel the need to negotiate peace (step into my peacemaker role) I talk. When I feel like the party is lagging and dragging I talk. When I have an opinion, an anecdote, or something that will help clarify the discussion I talk. I struggled to listen as a therapist.

Oates points out that Jesus suggests a type of praying that is not “known for it’s ‘much speaking.’ He taught simplicity of utterance. Your “yes is to be “yes and your “no” is to be “no.” Silence is a discipline of choosing what to say and to what to listen. …What you do say…will have a hundred times more influence. If you limit, change, or expand the objects of your attention (your listening), you can become the kind of person you want to be, change the kinds of directions in which you want to go.

I’m going to be reflecting on what I’m reading in my next posts along with seeing how it fits into life. Should make for some interesting writing.