Words Hurt

Words Hurt

I think that’s why I’m a rehearser.

I grew up in a home where words were spewed out of anger or disgust. Things were said without any thought given to the repercussions (I just spent way too long trying to figure out how to spell that word).

I’m almost sure that’s one of the major reasons I rehearse what I’m going to say. On the one hand, I am able to hear what I’m thinking before I say it and therefore I weed out most hurtful comments. And then, by rehearsing, I can say all the hurtful things, purging them from my system, before I say what is way more diplomatic.

Yesterday, I should have done more rehearsing.

Nelson went to men’s prayer breakfast. He was quite excited. That made me excited. He just doesn’t get with people very often.

Afterwards he planned to go grocery shopping in M-town (15mi to our south) at Kroger and Meijer—he scours their ads to find great deals. He said he would be home around lunch.

At about noon, I called his cell to see where he was at. He was at our local grocer, getting ready to head home. I knew that he’d be home in about 5minutes so I moved to the front door to be ready to bring groceries in. The baby was just waking up and needed that little bit of extra cuddle time, so Beth was going to keep both Asher and Shera out of the line of traffic. I thought it was a pretty good plan. I was wrong.

As we got to the end of the groceries, there was a flat of cans of fruit, some bags, and a odd-shaped flat of Snapple. Nelson grabbed something and I grabbed the Snapple and the end of the bags. My plan was to come back for the fruit and shut the hatch. I knew my next step was to put everything away.

No sooner had we taken but a couple steps away from the car when Nelson sourly (imagine the most judgmental Rabbit/Eeyore voice) stated that he couldn’t understand why I did it that way. It would have made more sense to give him some of the bags and then stack the fruit and Snapple. I could then stay in the kitchen and start putting away while he went for the last trip and closed the hatch. As he walked in the front door he punctuated his disgust with a comment about how he thought Beth could have been more helpful.

Just beat me with a stick. I was so aggravated. I got the final load and then just stayed in the kitchen putting everything away. When I finally came out, Nelson asked why I looked so upset. I had been fuming through some things I wanted to say to him, but I hadn’t rehearsed them enough. Typically, I would have “lied” and said I wasn’t upset, but this time I said what I was thinking and feeling. I told him I was hurt by his words. I told him I didn’t understand why he snapped on Beth and I. He got loudly angry and protested that he didn’t snap. So, I gave him that, but went on to say that what he did do was put us down because we didn’t do things the way he was thinking and therefore his comments made us feel stupid, worthless, and unappreciated. He got louder. I finished with the groceries and went to my room.

About five minutes after being there Beth came and told me I didn’t have to “hide” in my room because Nelson had walked out and drove away. He hasn’t done that for a lot of years. He stayed gone until nearly 5pm. I tried to call him, but he turned his cell off. When he got home he came in the back door and went upstairs to take a nap.

He got up from his nap around 7ish and went into Beth’s room to get on her computer. I walked up there and asked if we were going to talk. He said no. He didn’t think talking would be good. From now on he was only going to answer questions. He would keep his opinion to himself and initiate no more conversations. I walked away in tears.

The rest of the evening he was true to his word. And he will stay that way. That’s just how he is. I love him but he can be quite infuriating.

I was lonely last night. That’s probably not going to change much.
Words hurt. So does the lack of them.