Christmas Morning

Merriest and Happiest!!!

Well, the trash is all at the curb and the kidlings are enjoying their toys, including Ron who is picking away at the guitar that Beth bought for him. I bought Nelson a new pocket knife which he proceeded to cut himself with trying to get the little “keep-it-in-the-package ties” on his pocket watch. He needs stitches but with no insurance he’s in the kitchen fixing lunch. I should probably take the chef knife I bought him, but he looks so much like the Iron Chef using it! (insert big grin)

While we were cleaning up after the mass opening, Nelson announced that we all needed to carry boxes out today—2 per person. I carried 2 bins (the absolute hugest) for each person and put them in the garage. Had to make up for not being able to go to Curves today!

Nelson bought me Escape perfume—my favorite, which they no longer make (why do I always fall in love with the scents they decide to can?), and Liz perfume—my second favorite! He also got me gift cards to Linen-n-things, Talbots, Ann Taylor Loft, Barnes and Nobel, and Crabtree and Evelyn. I’m excited about all that shopping!!!!!

I’m reading a book I took out from the library—imagine that! (insert silly giggle) It’s entitled: When is Enough, Enough? What You Can Do When You Never Feel Satisfied. I’m seriously liking it and think there’s going to be lots I can use in the classes that I’m teaching at work. So far, I’m really intrigued by his description of “chronic dissatisfaction” and the part I’m reading about that seems to link well with one of my other favorite books (by Shel Silverstien) The Missing Piece. I would be interested in any feedback you might have on the book.

Well, it sounds like there might be a toy war happening so I better go save Pepa!

Many blessings.

Update and the Library

Penelope did the cutest thing yesterday. There were a couple pictures of me—pre-weight loss in the dining room. One is a picture of Beth’s graduation in 2002. Beth asked Penelope who was in the picture. “Pepa, Bet, and” she paused looked at Beth and said, “Friend.” She didn’t recognize me, I was so heavy in the picture. There was another picture that was just of me and she didn’t know who that was either. Made me feel really good about what I’ve accomplished. I really am a different person.

Update on the housing situation: We dropped off our rental deposit last evening. I spent some time on the phone with the rental agent telling her my story and assuring her that we would be good renters. She called and talked to my boss, Dan, and called me back to let me know she thought it would work. On Monday they called from the rental manager’s office to let us know we were approved. Well, over the weekend we decided, sort of, that perhaps we should consider buying instead of renting—and maybe we should buy a multi-family dwelling. We hunted a bit, but didn’t find anything quickly. We decided rather than rush to buy, we would take the house for a year and do some logical searching. Now I have to find out when we take possession and when we can start moving.

I hate moving. I hate packing. Nelson won’t be able to help much. We’re talking about seeing if we can pay the church youth group to help us. They would earn some money for their mission trip and we would get strong backs! Sounds win-win to me. Then my friend Debbie said she’d help unpack—because she loves to do that. The only thing I hate worse than packing is unpacking. I told her it was a deal!

I’m going to do something quite fun this afternoon. When I moved to this county in 2004, one of the privileges of citizenship that I lost was the ability to go to the public library. Now that I’m off paper (done with probation) I can once again peruse the stacks to my heart’s content—and that’s just what I intend to do!

Hope your afternoon holds a special adventure as well.

Catch Up

I have made some dear friends here. A couple of them (Bless you Hope and Erin) came hunting for me since I've been somewhat absent. I will attach a couple entries from my journal to update you on life as I know it these days. The other thing I need to do is re-gather all my contacts here since my old fav list has died with the laptop...deep sigh and sadness!



Sunday December 10: To squeeze tight.
Yesterday, shortly after noon, Annie called. She asked if I would come get her and the kids. She had been trying to hold on in the marriage, hoping things might change. Final straws broke as words flew yesterday. There were threats of violence and she deterined to leave quickly.Quickly was 3hrs later. I arrived in 2 1/2 and we loaded and left. Penelope thinks we're just visiting Mema and Pepa. She rode with me, chattering away the whole trip.It's going to be very tight.

Our house was advertised as a three bedroom, but it really isn't. There are two bedrooms and a common landing area upstairs that we use as an office and catch all. So for the time being we put the dining room table in the garage and cleared out the dining room. Ron (Beth's soon to be fiance) is loaning us a spare bed and Nelson and I will sleep there since we get up the earliest.

When we get to Sunday School this morning we're going to let our plight be known. Maybe someone either has a larger rental property or knows someone who does. We can't pay a whole lot more. The problem is that there are few landlords who will rent to "people like me." Whisper a prayer for favor if you happen to think of us today.

I had to chuckle last night when Annie said something about an empty nest. Not a problem here. I'm actually going to understand the Christmas line from Bethlehem a whole lot better: no room in the Inn.

Blessings on your day...there are plenty little ones here!

Tuesday December 12: In a few minutes I leave for prayer and share with a friend at a local coffee shop. I look forward to the time.

Well, I no longer have a dining room table. I have a dining room bed. We borrowed a mattress from Ron (Beth's boyfriend). It's only full size so it's a bit small on our box spring, but Nelson and I are re-learning how to cuddle. Thankfully there's a TV in both Ann and Beth's rooms so when we get tired they go to their rooms and we can go to bed in the dining room.

Tonight after work we all went to look at a larger house to rent. I fell in love when I walked in the front door: hardwood floors and linoleum in the kitchen. There are 4 nice size bedrooms. The fourth is the entire third floor. It's all tastefully decorated and has lots of storage space. There's a garage and car port and a nice yard with a couple trees. It's centrally located in town and located where I could live. The biggest drawback is that there is only one bathroom--fortunately it does have a bathtub--babies need one and currently we don't have one that works. The rent is higher but doable. We are leaning toward yes, but I just get the feeling that Nelson has reservations beyond his inability to help move much of anything. We need wisdom on this--much greater than our own.

Beth is out right now with Asher and Penelope and Caden have laid down for naps. I'm just soaking in the silence.........it's such a precious sound.Waves TTFN so as not to disturb the peacefullnesssssssssss.

Further news: On Friday I had a couple conversations with the rental agent about my criminal record. She ended up calling my boss for a reference--bless Dan! She called me back and we still need to go through the formality of the application (and $35), but it looks like a go. The funny thing is now that Nelson and Ron have been talking and they think it might be better to buy a duplex...it would put the move off a little longer, but what we move into would be ours and when one of the girls move out then we could rent the other side and make money towards the payment. Now if we could just get an agent to call us back...

On Prayer

One of my favorite cyber people, who I have been fortunate to communicate with beyond just diary notes, has been going through a really rough time. She’s been growing in her faith and working on her experience of prayer.

Now, many people have been giving her very critical advice, judging her prayers, and her experience. This troubles me—greatly.

Interestingly, we started a quarter this past Sunday in our Adult Bible Fellowship on the Lord’s Prayer. I am quite excited about it. The teacher is one of my most favorite professors from seminary. (He’s also the professor I worked with in 2003 as I presented my story to the ethics class of the counseling program.) Anyway…I wanted to share some of the thoughts from that class because the so eloquently say what I want to say to this friend—and all the critics!

Some quotes on what prayer is not:
The business of prayer does not consist in much thinking but in much loving…Do whatever, therefore, most excites your love. Teresa of Avila
Prayer is not primarily saying words or thinking thoughts. It is, rather, a stance. It’s a way of living in the Presence, living in awareness of the Presence, and even enjoying the Presence. Richard Rohr

Some quotes on what prayer is:
-Prayer is keeping company with God. Clement of Alexandria
-True whole prayer is nothing but love. Augustine
-Prayer is a dialogue of lovers. Calvin Miller
-Prayers are tools, but with this clarification: prayers are not tools for doing or getting, but for being and becoming. Eugene Peterson, “Answering God”

Dr. Reuschling told us: There is no one way to pray (anymore than there is one way to learn or grow in any loving relationship).

Some prayers have words while others are just an ache in our heart that we have no words for.

I pray while I drive. I sing my prayers. I cry my prayers. But I also sit quietly and listen and look and watch—so that I might hear the answers, or direction, or truth that is for me.

Prayer is not duty—it really is my communication with (dialogue not monologue) the One who knows me best and loves me most.

Thanksgiving Prayers

Well, here it is the day after Thanksgiving and I am sitting at the computer—at work! Dan and Bob are both out of town so I became designated “check hander outer.” It’s really ok because I don’t go shopping on this day. I tried it once and got some good deals, but it wasn’t worth the insanity and frustration so I have made it a personal policy to avoid the maddening holiday rush on Black Friday.

I’m not sure why I said I’d be her from 8 until 12. No one will be up that early. I’m going to use my time to write some devotionals and study guides for the church web page. I’ve got the music going and an extra sweater on (our building is an OLD school building and is notoriously hard to heat) so I’m good to go.

Thanksgiving dinner was nice. Nelson and I went to his parents’ house in Toledo. Mom always has a nice dinner. Nelson’s paternal grandmother was there. She is 91 and suffers with Alzheimer’s. She was having a good day. Beth and Asher had dinner and spent the day with Ron’s family. Ann was at home with a very sick little Penelope.

Ann probably wouldn’t have joined us, even if Pnel wasn’t sick. Last week she determined that she has had enough, tried enough, and was now done with that marriage. The news rocked Travis momentarily and he said and did some things indicating his desire to keep the marriage together, but I think in Ann’s mind and heart it was clearly too little too late. She decided that she probably should have trusted her gut more and not gotten married at all. The trouble was she began to act irrationally and impulsively and it has taken a considerable amount of coaching from her father and I to get her to slow down and think about her actions. My last advice was that she needs a better plan to get out of this marriage than she did to get into it. That seemed to make sense. It’s just so terribly hard to watch this and feel so helpless to do anything for them.

I had to chuckle at myself on the way to and from Nelson’s folks yesterday. You may recall that I am the ultimate weather weenie and I loathe traveling in inclement weather—especially snow! So I prayed, “Please God, don’t let it snow on Thanksgiving.” I was quite elated, as I monitored the weather, that it appeared God had taken pity on my lack of driving courage and the weather forecast was calling for partly sunny and a high in the 50’s!! Yea God!

Well, that’s what I thought as I was driving out of Atown. As we got about 12 miles north of town, we could see a dark ominous cloud forming just at the tree line. Fog. Didn’t think much of it at first, I mean it was after 11 in the morning, surely it will be burning away. Wrong. We were in pea soup so thick that you couldn’t see two telephone poles ahead. And talk about idiot drivers. No, they didn’t need their lights on to see, but sure would have been nice to have them on so that I could see them! Sheesh. We drove in the fog for the next hour. Then the sun refused to shine the rest of the day.

Nelson and I stopped over at his grandmother’s house on our way out of town. The house has sold and the family is having an estate sale to clear out the remainder of Grandma’s things. I got an old graniteware turkey roaster (cream and green, my favorite) and a footstool. While I was sitting in the car, waiting for Nelson to finish his good-byes, I could see the fog creeping into the neighborhood. By the time we got to the expressway we were socked in. Nelson felt it would be easier to go home by way of the turnpike so I complied. It was so thick I could barely see two car lengths in front of me. He determined I should be okay to drive since it’s a straight shot and he can see in fog. Unique logic, I think. I did some quick internal weighing out of my situation. I was petrified and tense beyond description, but couldn’t imagine how bad I would be if I wasn’t driving—it’s all about control. I set the cruise on 65mph, pointed the car in the right direction, and started praying again. That’s when I had to chuckle.

“I guess I wasn’t specific enough in my prayers, God. Thank you so much for not having it snow and impede my journey home. I know this fog isn’t going away so help me get through this now. I don’t have any conditions to throw on this. I’m not going to make any desperate promises. I just need your help, your assurance, and no deer running tonight.”

Just one more lesson on how to pray specifically, to ask for exactly what I need, what I want.

I was in horribly thick fog with cars flying by me on the turnpike. When we left the turnpike to turn south and head towards home, the cars were much more cautious—slower than even I wanted to go. About five miles from home the fog lifted and I rolled into town quite happy to see my little burg on the horizon.

I slept well—like a log. And surprisingly when I woke up this morning there was no tension or soreness from the tense ride home. Be sure, I thanked God for that this morning!

Have a great shopping day.

Beauty for Ashes

A person with gray hair and a gray sweatshirt and gray pants just came into my office and emptied my trash. This person barely looked up, only asked quickly if I had a trash can to empty. This person moved stiffly. I wanted to swoop in and help them, but there was no invitation for help. There was no expression on their face. It was such an odd exchange.

Last Monday (11/13) our ministry sponsored a community forum re-introducing the community to the Citizen Circle. (http://www.drc.state.oh.us/web/citizen/citizencircle.htm) We had a panel presenting information. On our panel was an ex-offender who has a private business operating in 5 counties. He hires many ex-offenders and is quite successful. There was an educator who gave some wonderful statistics supporting the value and importance of education while incarcerated. The third guest was a gentleman who earned his BA while in prison and is now employed as a case manager with an agency in Columbus that does similar things that we do—only his agency is huge! He was imprisoned for 25 years. The final guest was our county’s Common Pleas Judge. They made wonderful presentations. It was very informative for the 25-30 community people who were present.

When they were done, Dan (our director who moderated) turned to me and asked me (in front of the whole crowd) to tell my story. Deep breath. There was a friend from church sitting next to me. He didn’t know many details of my story or my crime. He would now. I started by talking about my mean old PO who demanded that I get a job—she was sitting two rows back. When it was all over, I was amazed with how much I said, including specifically identifying that my crime was a sexual offense. At the end my friend hugged me and told me that he was so glad I was his friend. It just blessed my heart.

A couple days ago Dan brought a guy he was working with into my office. He introduced me and told the guy that he would let me tell him my story later (thanks Dan). Then he quickly asked me to answer a question—ok. “Do you think someone could be content making $5.50 an hour?” I searched Dan’s face, wishing desperately that I had taken that mind reading course. What was he going for? “Yes.” I answered quickly, and honestly. Dan grinned quite largely, thanked me, and whisked the guy out of office as quickly as he had swooped in. The guy was adamant that no one could be content making that kind of money. Guess he just needed to meet me.

We have a new web page—quite spiffy and completely under construction yet. There’s a picture of me there (transformationnetwork.org). We have a newsletter coming out next month and Dan asked me to write an article for it. I’ll close with what I wrote:

In 2004 I moved to Ashland and was immediately faced with the daunting task of finding a job. I came with a felony conviction and found that the employers I contacted were not interested in giving me a chance. That’s when I was put in touch with the Transformation Network.

Dan and Bob seemed extremely apologetic as they offered me a job that would pay only $5.50 an hour. It seemed a low wage to offer someone with three masters degrees like I have. I was quick to accept the wage and the job (sight unseen) because $5.50 beat $0 all to pieces!

I started with the packaging program, seeing quickly areas of organizational need that would increase not only our production, but also the quality of our work. The management at the Reineke company saw my efforts and offered me a position with their company supervising the T-Net work program. I began work for them in March 2005. I worked in that position and in the factory until October 2006.

In August of this year, Dan came and presented me with an opportunity to work full-time with this ministry. I would still supervise the packaging program but also work the re-entry contracts that we have in Huron and Erie counties.

After I committed my crime and began the arduous task of rebuilding my life, I seriously doubted how God would ever be able to use me again. Dear friends would try to encourage me by telling me that they believed that God wasn’t through with me yet. I politely nodded, but held tight to my doubts.

The physical labor of the packaging program and in the factory gave much opportunity to be in prayer—I so desperately felt out of my element. It was in the attitude of prayer that God began to reshape my attitude and rebuild my trust. When Dan did come and offer this position to me, I was taken completely by surprise. It was that moment when I completely released the doubts and began to fully experience the truth Jesus preached as a young man in the synagogue:
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has appointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to announce that the captives will be released and prisoners will be freed…To all who mourn in Israel, he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. (Isaiah 61:1-3, NLT)”

Beauty for ashes…that’s what this has seemed like for me. To again be associated with a ministry focused restoring people was more than I had hoped for but it was always the desire of my heart. Our faithful God made that happen and for that I can’t help but be abundantly thankful! The even more exciting thing I’ve realized is that as good as this is—He still more in store for me. And I believe He does for you, too!

There’s more going on in life…I’ll write about children, grandchildren, new teeth, and impending divorces very soon.

Electricity and Turtles

Electricity is an amazing thing.

The other day the cordless phone died. We discovered that the extension cord that that the base was plugged into which went behind a chair (out of sight…) had come unplugged. Two days later we realized that the computer had been connected to that same extension cord. So the good news is that there was and is nothing wrong with the laptop that being connected to the source of electricity wouldn’t cure. Yay!

Nelson keeps feeding us so wonderfully! I keep saying, “I love being on a diet.” And he keeps reminding me that we’re not on a diet. We’re eating healthy and smart. Whatever it is—I’m loving it!

Our conversation started out this way again this morning, and sort of meandered around as we discussed the many dietary and physical changes we’ve made in the last few months. For me, this is the longest period of time that I’ve ever worked on losing weight. I started January 1^st this year and have stayed with it all year. As of this morning I’ve lost 46lbs. My goal was 50lbs for this year. I think I’m going to make it.

I came away from our conversation with a deeper clarity on the book I may be needing to write. Nelson made a comment that much of the “failure” that people experience when it comes to losing weight is tied up in their seeking of an instant solution. I’ve often said I didn’t gain all this weight overnight, I’m not going to lose it overnight either. But we are such an instant and immediate people.

Last week, I was thinking about this as I led prayer in our Sunday School class. Our pastor had quintuple by-pass surgery about six weeks ago. He’s pushing himself in many ways and getting frustrated that his stamina isn’t where he wants it to be. This caused me to start thinking about how much we loathe slowing down—even if it’s good and necessary for our healing.

Then today I was in the reading room perusing my Woman’s Day magazine when I came across an article entitled, “The Joy of Patience.” Our impatience can be totally detrimental to our health—to the point that it can cause us to die early.

In one of the classes I taught this week I was teaching the group how to set SMART goals. One of the articles I read encouraged the person who was thinking about setting goals to make some of the goals or encouragements towards those goals to be visual. I used to do this when I was on a weight loss crusade: I would put the picture of a dress that I wanted up on the fridge as a motivator. These days my visual reminder isn’t a dress—it’s quite different. I wear a ring on my left hand middle finger. It has three turtles on it. I wear it to remind me to slow down.

There’s some more thinking going on, but I think I’ll just get started with this.

REALLY quick

Monday: worked at factory. We were way under the gun to get the balance of a HUGE order out on time. Worked past the point of exhaustion--barely fell into bed. Thank God for Aleve.

Tuesday: taught. It felt so good and was SOOOOOO much fun. The component of the training that I was assigned was to help the group start thinking of possibilities and valuing their unique gifts and contributions. To say the least I was stoked--and they really seemed to engage.

Today: teaching again. My component is on goal setting. This is something I've gotten better with. The guy before me will teach them how to write a mission statement and follow by helping them set their goals based upon the foundation of their dreams and mission. Should be an energy filled afternoon!

Nelson went to the auction of the second house last night. This one was quite cool. I liked it better than the last and really liked that it had an attached apt that Beth and Asher could have lived in. Nelson bid up to 77k. It went for 78k. Must be something better out there. No more auctions for a while so we can take more time to look.

Nelson has an apt with the BWC guy today. This is the job related part of the process now. Since his former employer signed off, he's now able to start looking for a different job. We need to get him a super-duper resume. Won't be hard.

I'm writing this at work because the laptop died the other night. Some problem in the power connector. Nelson ordered a new cord and adapter, but it just wouldn't keep the charge. Now the only computer in the house is the daughter's and we can only access it when she's at work. I just don't think she'd appreciate me going into her room at 4:30am when I typically get online...

Well, I'm out the door. Enjoy the absence of political ads and pray for the new folks in office!

Shopping

In my closet!!!

I just love doing that. I was thinking about the holidays coming up and I realized that I didn't have a dress up dress. So I went to my closet to see what might be hiding. What I found made three shades of giddy and had me doing the happy dance!!!

First, I found a red dress that I bought back for Annie's wedding. Problem was--it was too small when it came time for the wedding. But it fits now and will be perfect for the Christmas banquet. Yay!!! Then I got brave and tried on my 100% rough silk dress (bought way back when we lived in Kansas City and I paid $150 for it)--and it fit!!!! I was ecstatic! Then I remembered I had bought a denim dress, long sleeve with pin-tucks down the front, and a suede collar and cuffs. It's a size 14--and it fits AND I'm wearing it to work today. I'm just enjoying this!!!

And surprise, surpise: I LOVE being on a diet! Not just for the "new" clothes. Nelson made Pumpkin Cranberry Muffins from the low carb cookbook I bought for Sweetest Day. Oh my gosh!!!!!!! He made them in the mini-muffin pan and we used fat free cream cheese with them. I ate four which was 208 cal, 16g fat, 10g protein, and 12 carbs (with fat free cream cheese: 223cal, 16g fat, 12g protein, and 13.5 carbs). They're made with almond flour. Nels even made them healthier by adding ground flax seed. I love muffins from Perkins' bake shop: these were better than anything I ever got there. I'll post the recipe later.

The only sad note to my day was that someone from work is going through a rough time. Not one of my workers, but one of the people from R Company. I've mentioned her before, and I probably haven't been too kind. She found my blog and has appeared to take great delight in spreading my business in a malicious manner. I haven't handled that as tactfully as I probably could or should have. It's weird. I don't mind that she reads, but I never got why she felt this need to dish the dirt.

Anyway, I heard that her nephew died suddenly and it was quite a blow to the family. I'm sad on two fronts by this. Loss of young people is a tragedy and I relate to the grief and pain. But the other piece of this loss is that her anger and disdain for me (I guess because of my crime) has put up such a barrier that I don't know that I could reach over, around or through it to express my condolences. That makes me sad. Maybe she'll read this and she'll find out that my heart aches for her and I'm praying for her and for her family. That much, no matter what, I can and will do!

So, now I'm off to a seminar. Oh, I forgot to write about that. The local seminary (where I got 2 of my 3 degrees) has a Leadership Center and they were sponsoring a seminar on Faith and Business. Our agency was invited. Dan accepted for us. So, yesterday I basked in a learning environment and was challenged in my thinking--it was great!! Today, there are two workshops within walking distance from my house and I'll be done with them by 2:00 so I can still get some stuff done in the office.

Mmmmm, Nelson just told me what I'm having for lunch: a salmon salad with all the fixings. Did I mention I love being on a diet? TTFN

Chili Today

Nelson's Hot Healthy Chili
6 RIPE TOMATOES (PUREED)
2-28OZ CANS CRUSHED TOMATOES (NO SALT ADDED)
2 CUPS WATER
1 MEDIUM ONION, DICED
1-8OZ PACKAGE OF LENTILS
1 PACKAGE OF TURKEY PEPPERONI (cut in quarters)
¼ CUP CHILI POWDER
¼ CUP DRIED CILANTRO
1 TBLS BLACK PEPPER
1 TBLS GARLIC POWDER
1 TBLS GROUND CUMIN
2 TSP CAYENNE PEPPER
2 CUPS FRESH SPINACH (PUREED WITH TOMATOES)

EACH 1 CUP SERVING HAS:

98 CALORIES
10 GRAMS OF CARBOHYDRATES
1.5 GRAMS OF FAT
6 GRAMS OF PROTEIN

It's just the best! Enjoy.

Ride the Wave

Okay, so I'm in Sandtown, away from home, and Nelson called to ask if I'd let the office know that a fax would be coming in for me. Oh? Nelson called the first mortgage guy he was working with and ask him to just put the loan in my name. And it went through. Surprise! So Nelson went to the auction.

There was only one other couple bidding. Nelson opeded the bid at 50k. They went back and forth until Nelson bid 60k. The trustees of the property wanted 82,500. Nelson countered. They countered. Nelson made a final offer of 72k (our limit) and they came back with 76,500 and we would have to fix the problem with the upstairs toilet. No thank you. So we don't own a house, but we're going to look at another one on Friday that's being auctioned on Monday. And if that doesn't work we're going to slow down and look for a better deal. Nelson really likes the realtor that he's working with.

So maybe sooner than later.

And Now...

We aren't going to bid on the house. Nelson's boss signed off on Nelson and so technically, he's unemployed. The good side to this is that he can look for other work. The down side, especially where the house is concerned, is that he's unemployed. We already lost one house in the bankruptcy (2002) and I don't want to go there again.

Speaking of the bankruptcy...what we found out on that is that the mortgage company signed off on the house January 2004 and the house didn't sell at sheriffs auction until January 2005. Most mortgage companies won't touch you until 36 months after the sale. Here, we had been counting time from the bankruptcy. Little things you don't get told. Sigh. Nelson did find a company that would work with us, but the payment would have been way more than we could have afforded. Guess I'll just go buy some paint.

I was so sleepy last night after work. I was falling asleep in my chair at 7:30pm. Beth was in Toledo, with Asher and Ron, visiting Nelson's sister. So with a little encouragement from Nelson, I went to bed...at 7:30! And I slept until 5:30 this morning. I just don't do that. Guess I must have needed it.

Well, I'm off to Sandtown to meet with clients this morning and then at Nortown in the afternoon. I combined Wednesday and Friday's office times today since this Thursday and Friday I'll be at a Leadership Conference at the seminary. It looks good. I'm kinda excited to get into a learning setting again.

Looks like it's time to head north. Have a wonderful day and stay warm!!

House Stuff and Stuff

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning. And I’m up to get ready for work. We’re just working 6 to noon. I fell asleep in the chair both Thursday and Friday evenings. I’m not sure why I’m so sleepy. Perhaps I’ll blame the weather.

I mentioned that on Tuesday, Nelson and I drove around looking at houses. We came across one that is being auctioned next week. We like the look of things: the style and the landscaped extra lot. He got on the computer and began searching for a mortgage company who would work with us. Then he contacted the realtor to get a showing. We went to look at it after work Friday.

The house is smaller than we thought, but has enough space. It was built in the 30’s so it has character and beautiful woodwork. There are gorgeous hardwood floors throughout!!! The kitchen and bath and a half have linoleum. Two of the bedrooms have huge walk-in closets. There’s an entry closet, a closet in the smallest bedroom, a linen closet downstairs and a linen closet upstairs! The kitchen is smallish, but efficient. And it has good cupboards!!! There’s a 2+ car garage with a full attic and the basement is full, dry, and you can stand up in it!

We were pre-approved by one company through the internet. Then the realtor suggested someone local. Nelson always prefers to work locally when possible so we called her and she’s checking. We learned some interesting things about our bankruptcy and the foreclosure on the house. It’s going to make our payment higher, but the internet guy was able to get everything rolled into the loan: tax, insurance, down payment, and closing costs. Nelson is going to go to the auction and bid. We discussed our limit and will not exceed that. If we get it. great. If not, then there’s something else.

Nelson went to the doctor on Wednesday. He was released to go back to work. He dropped paperwork off at his old boss. If he signs off that there’s no work for Nelson based on his physical limitations then he’ll be free to look for another job. He’s walking a lot more without his cane. He continues to lose weight through the Curves Weight Management Plan—and so do I!

The meeting on Sunday with the nominating committee went well. They asked tough questions and I felt I handled them well. As I thought, though, they chose the candidates from the folks who have been at the church significantly longer than me. The chair of the committee assured me I was a strong nomination and would probably hear from them in the future. I was very honored to have been nominated.

I have assumed a new responsibility through church. I had been writing for the Transformation Journal (www.parkstreetbrethren.org) on a regular basis. Now, I’m going to sort of head that up to help out the volunteer coordinator. Our journal devotions and prompts are based on the scheduled sermon texts. I’ll be dividing those up into daily portions and making sure that the days are covered. Currently, there are three writers for this. I really enjoy the challenge of this project.

Someone asked how singing went on Sunday. It was a blessing. One of the neatest things that came out of it was a piece of mail I received. Our services are broadcast on the local cable channel. This has been a great outreach ministry, both for our shut-ins and to reach folks who don’t attend church anywhere. On Tuesday, I got a card from one of our older ladies who has a degenerative hip disease. She had tatted me a beautiful bookmark and sent a thank you note for my song. I just thought that was so sweet.

Well, it’s time to box the hubs and bearings. Have a glorious Saturday. I’ll be keeping my jacket and umbrella close at hand!

Wonderfull Day!

Well, it started a bit rough. There were problems with the crew at the factory and then some trouble with paperwork. But I determined the world would go on without me.

Nelson and I drove down to Mtown. We strolled through Target first. I found 2 pairs of lightweight sweats to wear to Curves and a pair of dress black pants. I love the clearance racks! The other major purchase was a crock pot. We have a chile cookoff Sunday night at church and Nelson is concockting some kind of entry. I'm sure it will be a winner!

Then we did some grocery shopping at Meijer's. Major purchase there was snacks for Sunday School this weekend and calcium citrate for me. I'm hoping that will stave off the osteoporosus that has been afflicting my mother.

Next was lunch. By this time I was very hungry. We ate at Golden Coral. It was quite challenging to eat smart and healthy, but we both felt good when we were done. The most important thing was that we ate and didn't gorge ourselves.

Then it was a quick to another grocer (Kroger) for Nelson and I shopped next door at Fashion Bug. I guess I'm just a died in the wool Goodwill girl. I just couldn't see spending the high prices there on the tags.

We had to get home so Beth could go to work. After she left, Nelson and I loaded Asher in the car and we drove around town looking at houses for sale. We found about a dozen we're going to check on. We're going to rank them in order of how much we like them and then see what we can even think about affording. We probably won't do anything until after we find out what Nelson will be able to do with work--his appointment with the doctor to discuss the results of his evaluation is this Thursday.

The rest of my day has been playing with Asher. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work--but ready or not I'll be there!

Oh, by the way, I called my sister tonight finally. She gets to go back to work tomorrow with just a reprimand in her file. She feels positive about it. She knew I was disappointed--I didn't deny it. She wanted to get together this weekend, but I bowed out of that. Maybe later.

Well, it's nearly bedtime...until later.

All Gone

Well, I shot my wad and then some at Barnes and Noble. First, I decided that I was going to buy Nelson a cookbook. I combed through the bargain books and found one possibility: a Splenda cookbook. There were some good recipes and I liked the way each one broke down the nutritional values. But I knew what I really wanted was a low carb cookbook so I went to the regular stacks.

There were a lot of choices there and no bargains. I called Nelson to see if he would want one. He told me that the card was for me. I told him that I wanted to get him a Sweetest Day gift and this was a way to get us both something "sweet." He really likes some of the recipes and also the humorous what the guy is presenting stuff. It's called "Eating Stella Style" by George Stella. I'm excited about some of the muffins, sauces, and main dishes. Yum!

With the balance of the card I got a workbook based on the writings of Max Lucado. I have one similar to it based on the writings of Henry Blackaby. I'm quite pleased with that find. Then I bought a book called "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. I REALLY like his style. I read another book by him "Searching for Who Knows What." It was a gift from a dear blogging friend. This guy writes about his faith journey in a very honest way--not preachy or filled with christianeeze. I hope this one is as good as the last because I have a friend I want to share it with.

As for my sister...she's been getting "headaches" to get out of doing stuff since she was little. Some of you suggested she may have wanted to be alone. You're probably right. If it weren't for me reaching out to her there would be little to no relationship. That's sort of the way my funny little dysfunctional family is. Nelson wishes I would stop. He's tired of seeing me disappointed. I guess I'm jus such an optimist: I keep hoping things will change.

I worked so many hours last week, Dan told me to take a day off this week. Right now I don't have anything on Tuesday. Nelson doesn't think I can not go in. Whatever will I do with a day off during the week? I'm not sure but thinking about it sure makes me smile!!!

I'm singing a solo in church this morning and have my meeting with the nominating committee this afternoon. I'm thankful for the peace I have about both.

Guess it's time to rev up the hot water tank and start the shower parade. TTFN

Saturday

I think my sister is allergic to me. She’s going through a really difficult time at work, and I found out she was going to be alone this weekend (her boys would be visiting their dad this weekend) so I suggested we get together at a fancy-schmancy mall in Columbus to eat and shop.

I worked this morning 6am until noon. We worked hard. I was going to come home, shower, change, and head to Columbus. Just as I left the building I got a voice mail on my cell phone. I listened to it as I pulled out of the lot. It was my sister. She woke up with an earache and just didn’t feel up to getting together.

It is easier to count the number of times that she has come through on something we’ve planned together than all the countless times that she’s cancelled. And it’s always with some kind of ailment: headache, cramps, sore throat, hangnail—okay, maybe that was a minor exaggeration. It has happened so often that I really wonder if she really is allergic to me.

She not only called my cell, she called my home and told Nelson what was going on. He said he’d have me call. I don’t want to call. I don’t want to talk to her. I wish I wasn’t so disappointed. I hate that I let my hopes get up.

I thought about going on down to Columbus by myself, but decided against that and mowed yard instead. It was a good way to get my exercise in and my frustration out. Now that’s done until next spring—according to Nelson.

The sun is shining so nice I may go take a walk in a little bit. Or drive down to Mfield to Barnes and Noble. I’ve got a gift card just burning a hole in my wallet. Nelson says shop. I love that man.

A Little Tired

I’m tired. I worked 10 hours today in the factory. But my body isn’t near as tired as my mind. I had to write one guy up today for careless, unsafe, and opositional behavior. Another guy left work because his stomach hurt. He wouldn’t switch to an easier position. A couple that said they would be there at 6:30 failed to get childcare so they weren’t there. Twice today I just put my head down on the work table and prayed.

The day started out so well. I weighed in. At home the scale said that I’ve lost 43 pounds. I measured at Curves and I lost a total to 5.5 inches and 10 pounds in the past 4 weeks. I was quite excited about that!

I’m still really enjoying my job. It looks like three days a week I’ll be doing work with the two counties. Typically I’ll be in one county Wednesday afternoons and the other on Friday morning. The plan is that I’ll work in the factory on Thursday, but this week I was needed on Tuesday, too. I’ll probably end up working on Saturday, too. Sometimes it’s no fun to be salary. I spent several hours on Wednesday working with people on their resumes. I love helping people see themselves in more positive ways.

I am writing for the church website every week. Our website has a component called the Transformational Journal that follows the Pastor’s scripture passage. I write a couple devotionals for that. I got a little carried away and wrote for the entire next week. I also write the small group study guide. We’ve gotten some good feedback. It’s been a wonderful challenge to have to write this way every week.

Nelson had his evaluation with the outside therapist on Monday and Tuesday. It was five hours each day. Ten hours of torture. There were many things he couldn’t do. As is typical, the evaluator couldn’t tell him how he did—she wasn’t authorized to interpret, only report. He has an appointment next week with the doctor. That’s supposed to be when we learn what he’ll be able or not able to do. Again we wait for the unknown.

Someone from church nominated me for the Leadership board. I was very touched, but I’m sure that I’m way too new and my legal issues are too hot a potato for me to be considered. That’s ok. It was nice to be nominated.

Well, it’s time for snack and game 7 of the NLCS. I’m really looking forward to the World Series. I love sports.

Week 2

It’s Sunday morning. I want to process through last week’s events on the one hand, but realize that my second week is hanging heavy on the horizon.

It was such a good week. Sure, Tuesday afternoon I spent so much time on the phone that I feared a permanent crook in my neck. I was trying to connect with employers in the one county to get them to come to a Workplace Development Program meeting. I left about two dozen messages, and actually talked to about three people. What’s up with that? Our technology may help, but it’s a sad commentary on the state of our relationships.

I started the week out very quietly, shadowing Dan and Bob. I observed and took a lot of notes. By Friday, I was adding to the discussions and presentations. I’ll be an observer this next week, too. Then the following week I’ll be leading on my own. Just writing that stirred the tummy butterflies. Hopefully I’ll be able to tame them a bit this week.

I have a business card. I even had opportunities to hand them out. I didn’t see that ever happening again.

Nelson and I are still following the LGI food plan. He lost 9 pounds! It looks like we finally nudged his metabolism back into action. He’s done with this round of therapy. He has an evaluation next week with an individual from an outside agency. This will determine the next step. We’re going to set up our own little home gym to keep him on the road to recovery.

I feel very scattered. I have started at least 3 other entries and just delete them before posting. I’m not sure why. There just seems to be so much to do and think. And I just haven’t had the time to sit and really process it all. I start to type and someone needs something of me away from the keyboard. Typically it’s Asher—and I just won’t resist his plea for my attention.

After church and lunch:
Church was good. Nelson and I (after some long discussions) decided to start attempting the 11:00 traditional service at church. Nelson is more familiar with the hymns and choruses and it also gives us more time to get Asher ready. It means that I had to quit playing on the worship team—and I’ll miss that, but this seems to be better.

We had our second Sunday of the month lunch with Nelson’s old boss. They called last night and said the group had decided to go to Cici’s Pizza restaurant. I got on line right after the call and looked up the nutritional values of their food. We decided to scrape the pizza fixings off 4 pieces and count it as two pieces. It may sound weird, but it’s the toppings that we really like. So we enjoyed our pizza tops and some salad. I was so wonderfully satisfied that I wasn’t even tempted by their fruit pizza or their typically scrumptious cinny rolls.

Part of the reason I was motivated to be so “good” was that yesterday when I weighed in I was down a couple more pounds. When I started this weight loss push on January 1, I weighed 227. On February 15 I started Nutrisystem and I weighed 224. When I started Curves I was down to 207. When I started the LGI plan with Curves I was at 197. Last Monday I was at 191. This morning when I weighed in I was at 188.5. It feels good…really good. I haven’t lost the weight quickly, so hopefully I’ll be better trained and therefore better able to keep it off.

One of the painfully humorous results of my losing weight happened yesterday. We drove up to Nelson’s folks in Toledo to get the extra car that Nelson drove up last weekend when he went to get my Mountaineer (which I’m still LOVING). I left before him because Asher was getting nap ready. When I was putting Asher in his seat, I slipped off the curb and my foot turned in my shoe and I fell onto the grass and couldn’t get back up. It all happened because my shoes are getting to big. So not only am I needing a new clothing wardrobe, but I’m going to have to buy new shoes. Guess I’ll donate the others to Goodwill.

Well, time for dinner.

First Day

I had a good day. It felt so good.

I started the day by fixing a problem at the factory. I had to fix a couple more later in the day. It’s challenging to fix problems from a distance.

First thing I did when I got to my new work space was move my desk. Then I unpacked a few things (like pics of the grandsweeties) and made the desk more my own.

After Monday morning staff meeting, I went to a county social service agency luncheon meeting. Free lunch! Got to love this. It was an interesting meeting—I love to network.

In the afternoon I met with Dan and Bob to discuss how they lead a class and how I’m going to do it. It’s good and I’m excited.

Then I met with the Citizen Circle committee. I actually enjoyed a committee meeting. Go figure!

Tomorrow I start at 6:30 with devotions for the packaging group and then I have to iron out a few problems and then I’m getting trained on how to do all the paperwork for shipping and receiving. Then, I’m going to try and figure out how to turn on my phone. They got a pay as you go Verizon phone for me. They picked Verizon because Bob and Dan both have them and the plan let’s us call any other Verizon phone free.

Tomorrow night I’m going to go to a conference here in town. It’s Domestic Abuse Awareness Month and the T-Net was asked to have a “booth” there and someone to answer any questions about what we do/offer. Neither Dan, nor Bob can be there so guess who gets to represent the agency on her second full day? Yay!

Right before the Citizen Circle meeting, I called Nelson to see where he was en route to home. He wasn’t too far away. I asked how he liked the car and I think I heard him purring. So far, he’s quite pleased with his purchase. Everything seems to be working. It needs a real good cleaning. I’ve never had leather seats—wonder how that will be in the dead cold of winter? Guess that’s what seat covers are for.

So it was a good day. And it looks like more will be coming.

Kisses!

(This is the second day of our Sunday School bus trip. Nelson was able to go along and that's been such a blessing. The first day we drove to Gettysburg. It was rainy and gray all the way and when we arrived at the battlefield, the sun poked through. It was a very moving experience for me.)

Hershey Kisses, that is!

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning. I woke up early to Mother Nature’s alarm clock: Get to the potty, NOW! Perhaps you’ve had those kinds of wake up calls.

Yesterday was such a beautiful day. We ate breakfast at the hotel. It was a relaxed time. The storms from the day before had moved on, leaving us with a crisp and clear fall morning. It was fun to drive through the Pennsylvanian hills to Lancaster.

We spent the morning in an area called the Kettle Kitchen village (http://www.kitchenkettle.com/home.html). Nelson was such a trouper! He followed me into all the shops and even acted interested as I oohed and ahhed all the sights and smells. While everyone else ate at the Amish cooking type restaurants, we snuck across the way to Subway and indulged in a yummy salad.

(Interjected side note: On Monday of this past week I started the weight management class at Curves and Nelson and I are following their plan for 6 weeks. It’s not a “diet” per say, but a method that really teaches you to read the labels and eat well according to the Glycemic Index. I’ve lost several pounds and feel really good. Reading the labels has been very enlightening. Our proportions were way out of control again. And I’ve been rudely awakened to the enormous quantity of carbs I’ve been packing away!! Not good at all! I’ll keep you posted on our progress. It’s not been easy on this trip, but we’re helping each other stick to it.)

Last evening we had a wonderful experience. We attended the production/presentation of “Ruth” at the Sight and Sound Millennium Theater (http://www.sight-sound.com/WebSiteSS/getlanguages.do). It was a wonderful play, magnificently prepared and presented. I just kept walking around saying, “Wow!” I would love to go back and see some of their other productions. Wow!

Today it’s on to Hershey. More time to visit little shops and take a tour. Then on our way back home we’ll stop at the Flight 93 Memorial. I’ll let you know how it all goes later. It probably won’t be tomorrow, because it will be a day spent on the road also. Nelson and I have to drive to Toledo, to his folks. That’s over a two hour trip. We’ll have Asher with us. I’m leaving him there and driving home after Asher gets to visit his great-grandparents. Then on Monday, Nelson and his dad are venturing up into Michigan to pick up my “new” car. He bought me a Mercury Mountaineer off Ebay. This is the 6th car he’s gotten for us that way. He wanted me to have something safe and road worthy driving in the snow belt this winter with my new job. I’m excited to get it. She’s not a new beast, a 1997 with a little rust, but she also has quite a few bells and whistles.

A final thought for today: As we drove through Gettysburg on our tour, we were directed to the Lutheran seminary and informed of its role during the battle. A seminary on a battlefield. It conjures up all kinds of images for me and raises several theological questions. I would love to sit in some of the classes and experience how the battle impacts their study and preparation. I would think it would have to…at least I would hope.

May there be lots of chocolate kisses in your day!

A Job

I met with the representatives of the T-Net board yesterday after work. The interview went well. It wasn’t your typical job interview. But then, this isn’t your typical job. It’s truly a ministry position. I mean, when was the last time someone asked what your spouse thought about the position? That is a standard question asked by church boards interviewing prospective pastors—at least it was in my experience.

The board decided instead of going with medical insurance to create a medical savings account and we would still have to secure our own medical coverage. Nelson has found some possibilities he’s going to check further into.

We talked about some interesting things. Here are some things that I shared:
-When asked what I brought to this position, I shared that I felt I brought a depth of empathy not often found by wounded people seeking help. I can really come alongside folk and understand the negativity, and neverending judgment. My experience also enables me to be better equipped to confront the game-playing and poor me attitude.
-When asked what I would change about what T-Net is doing, I said that I thought they needed to do more to help folks find housing and create more opportunities for work placement—so I really wouldn’t “change” anything, I would work to expand what they’re already doing. Something that I thought about but never articulated was that I think they need to do more to secure grant money for funding—an area that I’m excited about helping with.
-When asked when it was that I felt restored, I shared that I’m not sure I fully feel restored. I talked a bit about how I experienced substantial healing through the process I went through with the Mennonite church I had been pasturing. Release came again this spring when I was released from my ordination with the Church of the Nazarene, enabling me to become more fully involved in the Brethren Church we’re attending. But even with all that, I don’t want to loose touch with my brokenness.
-When asked what/who my ideal supervisor is/was, I explained that is one of the saddest things about considering this position for me. By far the best supervisor I have ever had is the one I have right now. Ed is genuine, supportive, encouraging, positive, and is all those things with everyone. I told the board about how when I fist was asked to consider this position I went to talk with Ed about it. He spent quite a bit of time helping me sort through things and then when we were done he prayed with and for me.

That’s enough of that.

Dan called me this afternoon and offered me the position. Nelson is still nervous, but supports me in this. When I’m done writing this I’m going to write my resignation letter.

Update on the blowup: Nelson has been very aware of his word choices. He has been opening up more and we have moved from silence, to conversation, to a more natural humor, to life without eggshells. It’s good.

Well, I better stop now and write that letter---I’m procrastinating and I’ll have to think about what that’s about.

Words Hurt

Words Hurt

I think that’s why I’m a rehearser.

I grew up in a home where words were spewed out of anger or disgust. Things were said without any thought given to the repercussions (I just spent way too long trying to figure out how to spell that word).

I’m almost sure that’s one of the major reasons I rehearse what I’m going to say. On the one hand, I am able to hear what I’m thinking before I say it and therefore I weed out most hurtful comments. And then, by rehearsing, I can say all the hurtful things, purging them from my system, before I say what is way more diplomatic.

Yesterday, I should have done more rehearsing.

Nelson went to men’s prayer breakfast. He was quite excited. That made me excited. He just doesn’t get with people very often.

Afterwards he planned to go grocery shopping in M-town (15mi to our south) at Kroger and Meijer—he scours their ads to find great deals. He said he would be home around lunch.

At about noon, I called his cell to see where he was at. He was at our local grocer, getting ready to head home. I knew that he’d be home in about 5minutes so I moved to the front door to be ready to bring groceries in. The baby was just waking up and needed that little bit of extra cuddle time, so Beth was going to keep both Asher and Shera out of the line of traffic. I thought it was a pretty good plan. I was wrong.

As we got to the end of the groceries, there was a flat of cans of fruit, some bags, and a odd-shaped flat of Snapple. Nelson grabbed something and I grabbed the Snapple and the end of the bags. My plan was to come back for the fruit and shut the hatch. I knew my next step was to put everything away.

No sooner had we taken but a couple steps away from the car when Nelson sourly (imagine the most judgmental Rabbit/Eeyore voice) stated that he couldn’t understand why I did it that way. It would have made more sense to give him some of the bags and then stack the fruit and Snapple. I could then stay in the kitchen and start putting away while he went for the last trip and closed the hatch. As he walked in the front door he punctuated his disgust with a comment about how he thought Beth could have been more helpful.

Just beat me with a stick. I was so aggravated. I got the final load and then just stayed in the kitchen putting everything away. When I finally came out, Nelson asked why I looked so upset. I had been fuming through some things I wanted to say to him, but I hadn’t rehearsed them enough. Typically, I would have “lied” and said I wasn’t upset, but this time I said what I was thinking and feeling. I told him I was hurt by his words. I told him I didn’t understand why he snapped on Beth and I. He got loudly angry and protested that he didn’t snap. So, I gave him that, but went on to say that what he did do was put us down because we didn’t do things the way he was thinking and therefore his comments made us feel stupid, worthless, and unappreciated. He got louder. I finished with the groceries and went to my room.

About five minutes after being there Beth came and told me I didn’t have to “hide” in my room because Nelson had walked out and drove away. He hasn’t done that for a lot of years. He stayed gone until nearly 5pm. I tried to call him, but he turned his cell off. When he got home he came in the back door and went upstairs to take a nap.

He got up from his nap around 7ish and went into Beth’s room to get on her computer. I walked up there and asked if we were going to talk. He said no. He didn’t think talking would be good. From now on he was only going to answer questions. He would keep his opinion to himself and initiate no more conversations. I walked away in tears.

The rest of the evening he was true to his word. And he will stay that way. That’s just how he is. I love him but he can be quite infuriating.

I was lonely last night. That’s probably not going to change much.
Words hurt. So does the lack of them.

Multi-level Feelings

Wednesday night Beth worked until nearly midnight. When she got in she woke me up—I fall asleep in her bedroom where Asher’s bed is also. I was a little fuzzy, but she was quick to fill me in on her disappointment with work. She feels unappreciated, even though she goes in early every shift and prepares all her stuff and lots of stuff for others. She picks up a shift whenever asked. She’s trained to be a trainer and is being trained on the bar. But this week the lack of respect and appreciation got to her and she wanted me to help her write a resume. As best I could I tried to think through the info we would need—and then I went to bed.

Thursday when I got home she was home from work already. I asked what her plans were. She and R were taking Asher and going to look for a place to live. Run that by me again? I have so many feelings about this—I don’t even know where to start. Yes, I do. It’s exactly what her sister did to me. After letting me create this huge place in my heart for a special little person, they just yank them out. I watched Penelope every single day. She was my girl and then she was gone. I know, not completely, but it’s so different and so hard on the heart. I have watched Asher every day. I look forward to coming home to his smile. I celebrate each new thing. He’s my heart.

That aside, she’s talking about moving in with a guy. We like him. We like how he treats Beth. We love how he is with Asher. They don’t know each well enough to get married, but they can live together? Part of me doesn’t like it. Part of me thinks it’s better than the garbage that can happen if they get married and it doesn’t work out.

As it was they didn’t find a place last night, but they’re still looking. What’s interesting is that they are only looking in one area of town. Beth has decided which elementary school she wants Asher to go to. He’s only 7 ½ months old! I guess it’s never to early to think about these things.

I worked hard today. I mean I really poured it on. I got sort of irritated—downright ticked off at the lackadaisical attitude of some of the workers. Sigh. It sucks to have such an overactive work ethic.

At one point Mr. R came through the plant showing a group from another plant our strengths and processes. He even brought them back to the packaging area. He walked up to me and asked: Do you still work for us? Uh, yeah. I haven’t interviewed with the board for the other position. He said that the new position holds some good things for me. And then he said, “And D’s not such an a**hole to work with.” I laughed out loud. In one sentence, candidly shared, he put so many of my concerns to rest.

Then at the end of the day, D stopped by to drop off everyone’s checks. I giggled internally thinking again about Mr. R’s comment. While we talked, D basically told me that if I wanted the job it was mine. He just wants me to meet with the board so that they can prayerfully verify what he’s already thinking. Sounds like I need to be prayerfully considering my response to their offer.

I’m really ready for this weekend. I have nothing planned. A little reading. A little writing. And a whole lot of watching football! I’m ready, really ready for some football!

Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.
I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.
This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.


One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense. When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC. Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me.

When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet. And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13th. More time to learn and be ready I guess.

How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Princess of Power

Our bedroom door doesn’t latch. Even before we got the P2, when we ran the AC we would prop something in front of the door to keep it shut. Now we pile things in front of the door to keep the kitten out.

Kitten. Little kitten.

Kitten nothing! She now has a new name. We now call her Shera. When my girls were little there was a cartoon called Shera, Princess of Power. When she was fighting evil bad guys, she would raise her sword to the sky and announce: I have the power! P2 has the power!

Last night I started by putting the laundry basket in front of the door. She pushed the door open. Next I put one of Nelson’s steel toe work boots in the basket. She pushed the door open. Then I put a box up against the door with the laundry basket and boot. She opened the door. So my next step was to put all of Nelson’s boots and shoes in the basket. I laid back in bed confident that she wouldn’t be able to open the door. I kept hearing her pounding against the door, clawing, and mewing. I didn’t hear her for a few minutes and I breathed a sigh of relief. Next thing I knew she pounced on my arm, claws out leaving a good scratch which seemed to punctuate her feelings: I’m in and I’m staying. I waved the white flag and tried to go to sleep.

In the morning I was helping Nelson get ready for therapy and get myself off to work on time. (I had already been to work out at Curves!) I told Nelson that I had a new name for the kitten. He approved. It fits. Tiny kitten, big power.

So now we have to decide whether to move a dresser in front of the door or just learn how to share our bed.

Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.

I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.

This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.

One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense.

When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC.

Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me. When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet.

And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13^th. More time to learn and be ready I guess. How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Don't Tell

Shhhhhh.
You can’t see me. I’m hiding.
Okay, I’m not doing so well at it. Sigh.

It’s been an emotional week.

I realized half way through last week that this was the first year that the anniversary of my father’s death slipped by me and I didn’t even notice. He died in 1989.

On Tuesday, I had to deal with a big disappointment. One of the guys who has been in the program for over a year now really screwed up and was arrested. I have poured a lot of time and energy into this guy. We were at the PO”s office at the same time and he deferred to me, allowing me to go ahead of him. The next morning I found out that he was hit with a probation violation and immediately taken to jail. He was on judicial release, so he will have to finish out his original sentence—about seven years—and then he will face time for whatever charges they will levy against him for new crimes.

I really believed in this guy. I knew when he was blowing smoke, but I never, NEVER, imagined the stuff he was in to. He lied to me about things and left details out of other things. I just wanted to smack him upside the head for being so stupid—but then I wasn’t sure that all my anger was at him. I felt so dumb for trusting and believing—and I don’t want to feel that way.

I thought a lot about that this week, especially as I dealt with the rest of the folk in the program. Who could I believe? Who was lying to me? Will I ever know if they’re telling the truth? What I decided is I trust very easily. I am able to be shrewd and discerning at times—but I tend to err on the side of believing in that there is goodness in people. I want to be that way and it makes me very sad to think about not being that way.

Then there was the job interview. There is so much going on with this and so much not. I’ve talked to some people who know what’s going on and they are of the opinion that if Dan was smart he’d figure out a way to get me insurance because he doesn’t want to and won’t be able to train someone else to do the packaging component of the job as well as I do. There words were encouraging.

This past weekend my mom was here. She and George arrived on Friday about the time I got off work. We played scrabble non-stop all weekend and on Monday too, since I took the day off. It was so good to be with her and George was actually quite well-behaved. That was a major relief.

At one point Mom and I were looking at old family pictures that I had gotten when my grandmother, Mom’s mom, died in 1999. While we were strolling down Memory Lane, Mom looked at an old picture of Grandma and she started to cry. It nearly broke my heart and it made me think about how awful it will be when she’s gone. But hopefully we’ll have lots more Scrabble marathons before we have to think about that.

Tonight Nelson and I had dinner at Ponderosa. I was pleased with how controlled I was with my eating. That felt good. Afterwards we went to check out the Grand Re-opening of our local Goodwill Store. It was a good night to go. Sweaters were on special at $1 a piece. So I picked out 4! I also got a pair of dress navy pants and a pair shorts to wear working out at Curves. For all that I paid $7.27. I was quite pleased. The really cool thing: I shopped the regular racks. There was soooooooo much more to choose from. I felt like a kid in a candy store.

I did talk with Dan this morning about the job. They’ve interviewed the other guy and today there was a board meeting at which they would decide when they would meet with us. Hopefully that will happen within the next week. In the meantime, I’ll try to come out of hiding. I’m pretty sure I can trust you.

SLAM!!!!

Did you hear that?
It was the sound of the door shutting.
I got a brief email response to my letter.
The answer is no.
Funny…it came on the day when I interviewed for the “opportunity.”
Good thing I don’t believe in coincidences.
The interview went well.
That’s not too surprising, I interview well.
The job description is very doable.
The salary was more than I anticipated.
There is ongoing dialogue about insurance.
Next step: they interview the other guy.
I have some definite pluses (I already know the packaging program—shoot, I created it!).
After that, we will interview with the board of the T-Net.
Many of them know me and the work I’ve done.
The whole process is going to take a couple more weeks.
Maybe by then they’ll know more about the insurance.
I surprised myself when I realized how much I want this job.
I wonder if that has anything to do with the other door slamming shut?

What day is it?

What day is it? I started the day thinking that it was the 9th. I had two orders to get out on the 10th, two orders that had 2400 parts in them. Nearly impossible. Completely impossible given the pokey-couldn’t-be-rushed attitude of my workers. I was steaming!

Late in the afternoon it dawned on me that we had an all-employee mandatory meeting on Thursday morning from 7-9am. I was concerned about leaving the crew unsupervised so I went to my supervisor to discuss it. I kept talking about the meeting that was going to take place “tomorrow.”

Shortly after that conversation I talked with the head of the shipping department and through great guffaws, he set me straight on the day and date. About five minutes later my supervisor came to let me know that he was having a bad day too. He was convinced that the meeting was tomorrow and called one of the third shift guys to remind him. He got quickly set straight. We laughed at each other and decided it’s been a long week already!

This morning I was doing a task that reminded me why I wasn’t and should never consider being a Home Ec teacher. We had run out of bubble wrap that we use to fill the void on our boxes and cartons, so I was cutting strips of this foam stuff to use instead. I was trying to do it like those incredibly talented women at the notions table at Walmart. I always marvel at how they barely move their scissors and whip right through whatever fabric they face. I couldn’t cut a straight line for anything.

The frustration caused me to laugh at myself, especially as I recalled an experience that I had as a substitute teacher. When Annie (dau #1) was a baby, I did some subbing in the county around our small town. One Friday afternoon I got a call from a nearby high school principal. His Home Ec teacher and regular sub were going to some conference and they needed someone to cover two days. The first day would be a sewing day and the second day would be a cooking day. We were so desperate for money, I quickly said yes, and then laughed myself silly after I hung up the phone.

I wasn’t the only one who laughed. Everyone who knew me laughed too. The first day I quickly identified the students who knew how to read patterns and work a sewing machine. I drew their wisdom out and paired them up with kids who had questions. It worked my total lack of any sewing knowledge never was fully discovered.

The second day held equal potential for total embarrassment. The cooking class was making dutch apple pies. I had never, ever made a pie. The class had already been divided up into teams. Everyone was doing well and I was feeling pretty good until one group came up to me and their lovely crumbly topping was a clump of dough-looking stuff. I had no clue how to fix it, so I worked with them to problem solve. They came up with an option and it turned out pretty good. That was a real brow-wiping relief!

And that’s why I was never a Home Ec teacher. And today is Tuesday and I need to go to worship team practice. Later!

Part Slinger

Today was our last early day for a while. I started the day “throwing” parts up on the line. These parts weight at least five pounds each. I pick them up out of a basket two at a time, and put them on the line to move toward the bearing press. This gets increasingly more difficult (and sometimes more painful) as the layers move toward the bottom of the basket. At one point I decided I’m just a part slinger.

Later in the day I moved to packaging. And there I did something I never thought I would do. I did a teaching with a guy that I never thought I’d do. A big chunk of my work with this crew is somewhat akin to a job coach. I’m working to help them make better work choices so that they can hopefully be hired somewhere full-time.

So this afternoon, two of the guys were having a discussion. The first guy said something the second guy didn’t like. He took a step back, thinking he was hidden by a stack of boxes and he “flipped” the first guy off. The problem with that was that he wasn’t hidden by the boxes and I turned around to catch him in the act. He immediately apologized. I let it set a moment and then I shifted in to teaching mode.

I called the guy over and explained that if he felt the absolute need to “salute” one of his co-workers, he was going to have to be a lot more subtle than that. I then proceeded to demonstrate how you have to “camouflage” the action. He insisted he didn’t think he’d get caught. I told him that stepping behind the boxes was an option, but then also pointed out that his very exaggerated motion was done facing the shipping dock and anyone walking by could have seen him, including management. He acknowledged that his action was a bit short-sighted.

I can’t believe I took ten minutes out of my day to teach this. Please know, we also discussed other ways of communication, but you can imagine what he really heard.

The Blizzards were a big hit. It appeared that they were a little surprised that I actually came through on my offer. I was impressed with their expressions of appreciation. Nelson did a great job of getting them there before they melted, too.

I’m thankful that it has cooled down some. We didn’t run the AC all day downstairs. Nelson is outside on the yard swing with Asher. They’re listening to the game. I can hear Nelson talking to Asher, telling what the different sounds are and keeping him updated on the game. I wish it wasn’t so dark, because that would make a wonderful picture.

Our singing was well received last night. We sang an old Imperials song: “If Heaven Never Was Promised to Me”, and two hymn medleys. The first included “Fairest Lord Jesus” and “I’d Rather Have Jesus.” The second is one we’ve sung a couple times at church that the people love to join in on: “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God”; “Rock of Ages”; “Victory In Jesus”; and “Because He Lives.”

It was interesting at the beginning of the meeting, as an ice-breaker, the leader asked us to introduce ourselves and then share what our favorite song was. Several people mentioned some of the hymns in our medleys. When it was my turn, I had to smile, since my favorite song is “Classical Gas” (a song from the 60’s by Mason Williams featuring a guitar solo). Nelson shared that one of his current favorites is “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” He sings it a lot to Asher and it always makes him smile.

I just took a break to do a little reading in the bathroom. That’s where we keep the “Readers’ Digest.” I remembered, while I was reading, a time when I was in a pageant for our little town. One of the questions posed to me by the judges was: what magazines do read at home. The only magazine we subscribed to (other than TV Guide) was “Readers’ Digest.” They weren’t impressed—like somehow that meant I lacked connection to the world. Phooey on them. I didn’t even place in that contest. Guess I didn’t need to be the Tomato Queen.

Well, I’m looking forward to a restful weekend, cooler and completely uneventful. That would be a blessing to my heart. May your heart also be blessed!