Contrasts

It has been quite a week in contrasts for me, all the way through yesterday morning when the message title was "The Great Commission In Contrast."

Early last week I was struck by the concept of sin, my own sin in particular. I remember teaching about sin and how the deceiver comes at us, knowing how to lure us into sin. I taught then and still believe that if sin came knocking at our door in all its ugliness, clearly holding forth the consequences, we would run from it like we would run from a grotesque Halloween monster!

When I look at my own life, I would never have imagined that I would have been caught up in what I was. The deceiver was premier at hooking my bent toward arrogance, appealing to my need to be needed, and convincing me that I could walk right up to the edge and not fall off. I knew what the outcome could and probably would be, but The Twister of the Truth shielded the depth of loss from my view and convinced me that I could come through unscathed. Lies. Nothing but lies.

Knowing better and doing less resulted in massive amounts of shame and that was the second thing that I battled with this week. I worked last Sunday and while I was working I dropped a gage I was working with. The guy I was working with (who had really been trained to do the job while I was given a very quick briefing on what I was to do and none of the why or detail) didn’t say anything about it so I kept working with it. Wednesday we were notified that there was a problem with the part. I was asked about dropping the gage. I admitted it. I felt so stupid. Then I did what I’m good at: I beat myself up. I let the shame monster rise up and eat away at all my confidence.

Thursday and Friday we started a new process of stamping parts. I felt horribly inadequate. I was functioning out of fear of failure rather than competence. Finally on Friday I was feeling better when I found out that the gage problem wasn’t my fault. But walking for a couple of days in a shroud of shame became the field of reflection for me. During those dark hours I heard a song by Joy Williams. It’s called "Hide." Here are the words:

To anyone who hides behind a smileTo anyone who hold there pain insideTo anyone who thinks they’re not good enoughTo anyone who feels unworthy of loveTo anyone who ever closed the doorClosed their eyes and locked themselves away
Chorus:You don’t have to hideYou don’t have to hide anymoreYou don’t have to face this on your ownYou don’t have to hide anymore
So come out, come outCome out wherever you are
Anyone who’s trying to cover up their scarsTo anyone who’s ever made a big mistakeWe’ve all been there so don’t be ashamedSo come out, come out and join the rest of usYou’ve been alone for way to long
Chorus:
And if you feel like no one understandsCome to the one with scars on His handsCause He knows where you are and where you’ve beenHis scars will heal you if you let Him
Chorus:
You don’t have to…You don’t have to hideCome out, come out wherever you areYou don’t have to hideCome out, come outCome out wherever you areYou don’t have to hideYou don’t have to…

I sat in my office listening to the words and when she got to that verse about how we’ve "all been there so don’t be ashamed." All the loneliness in my heart that I had been trying to ignore welled up in huge overwhelming waves of sobs and tears. I wish I didn’t have to hide. I wish I didn’t have to wear a mask. I don’t really trust enough that there are enough people who will understand, forgive, and still love. I’m not done with this one…revisit we will.

Saturday Nelson and I decided to go visit the older daughter so I could get a dose of my Penelope. Best choice. We played and laughed and laughed and played. And when it was time to go she cried and latched onto me. Then I cried. This little person owns my heart. I can’t hardly imagine how much fun and love there’s going to be with three!

My cup felt much fuller and a smile had come back to my face. Then Nelson and I went to church and it was tremendous. The service again was quite good. The message was fresh and the music caused my spirit to soar. Nelson and I decided to go to ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship, aka: Sunday School). We were received wonderfully. So many people introduced themselves that my brain was turning to mush trying to keep all the names straight. It was a good kind of overwhelming feeling.

Now it’s back to work. I’m not sure what demons will be lurking there, but I’m going in with a fuller cup and I will seek to keep it full…or fuller than I did last week. We’ll see how that works—I’m sure much better!