Naked Truth

I had a really disheartening revelation this morning. I had taken our full-length mirror and set it up higher to get a different angle on an outfit I was trying to decide whether to wear or not. It was a definite not.

I left the mirror up, no particular reason. This morning I caught a full view of my girth this morning and it wasn’t a pleasant discovery—not in the least. And a little light came on in my head—fortunately no more light was turned on in the bedroom.

It was a brief window into the Genesis experience of Adam and Eve realizing they were naked and realizing they were naked. They didn’t know that, they weren’t dissatisfied with the way they were until they listened to the deceiver and then there was a ruch to cover up.

Now here’s where I may be stepping a bit out on a limb, but it’s my revelation so I’m allowed. It seems to me that the “cover up” was denial and a major effort to keep from really seeing what was going on. At least that’s the truth for me.

I had been feeling pretty good that I had gone down a pants size this year. While that is a good thing, I let it become a camouflage to the real problem. There in my mirror this morning I couldn’t hide from the rolls and dimples of fat. I quickly put on my clothes for work and that’s when it hit me. I had become pretty good at blousing my shirt out over my pants to hide some those rolls. Long skirts and pants covered my dimply knees and no one was going to ever catch a glimpse of those thighs.

I hated what I saw. But grace made me peal away a few layers to get at some real loathsome stuff. What else was I getting good at covering up? What attitudes needed liposuctioned off my person? What grievous choices was I trying to sugar coat by giving them more politically acceptable labels? It was much easier to put on my work clothes and cover up my rolls than to escape the truth I was now seeing in my soul. I couldn’t yank a shirt on quick to get away from this.

I had another clothing thought/memory last night, also. This past summer I was delighted to find a plus size very lightweight flannel night gown. It’s about mid-calf in length, red plaid. Whoever had it prior to me had cut the sleeves off so that they are about ¾ length. I pulled it out and matched it up with a lightweight pair of thermal pajama pants. Yes, winter has arrived in my corner of Ohio and we turn the heat down a bit at night, so it’s time to pile on the pj’s and quilts.

Anyway, I was reminded of a much loved nightgown I had right before I got married. My mom had made it for me when I was in college. I have a few special memories of the things my mom sewed for me. Sewing was quite a chore for her, something it seemed she felt she HAD to do not something she wanted to do. This nightgown was a lime green color and I had her make it extra long so that I could wrap it up under my feet while watching TV or studying. I wore it to death. I can’t even count the number of times it had to be re-sewn under the arms and at spots around the yoke. Spots had been worn nearly throw that defied patches and yet I refused to part with it.

As I was preparing for my wedding both my parents sternly talked with me about how that nightgown needed to be trashed and shouldn’t be taken into the marriage. I knew they were right, but was too sentimental to follow through.

I did end up buying a really fancy nightie and robe set that was very pink and feminine. I planned to take it on our honeymoon. My friends loaded “my clothes” (in truth, they loaded an entire closet of about three different people’s clothes into the car because they didn’t know which were mine) into the car for us to take on our honeymoon. They were trying to be so helpful. But in the process of loading us down with strange clothing the fancy night-set fell off the hanger. Fortunately, I had tucked the ratty green flannel gown into my suitcase. I’m not sure why I did, but I’m sure glad. As it turns out, Nelson got a horrible case of the flu and slept in the other bed in the room.

Now there’s no startling revelation to go with that memory. Just a smile and reminder of my humanity and need for comfortable/cozy. If anything, it’s a thought for me to ponder about my need to hold on to things and stay where it’s comfortable.

Well, I have much to think about and a little work to do too, so I better scoot.