Anticipation

It wasn't until my very last pastorate that I finally began to understand the meaning and purpose of Advent. I took it very seriously, which really frustrated many of the "let's just sing hymns, hang greens, and get it all over with" kind of folks in the congregation. In the fall of 2001, though, I began to really experience the meaning of waiting and anticipating.

October 8 I called the authorities and began the process of turning myself in. It wasn't until November 4 that I met with the detectives to make my official statement. They told me that I wouldn't have a court hearing until after Christmas. Grace was at work, even in the legal system.

At times I wasn't sure how I made it through the days. I felt so broken. So shame-filled. Alone, but surrounded. And all the time, waiting. I had absolutely no control in this process, or so it seemed.

Right in the middle of this overwhelming chaos, I woke up to the realization that Christmas was coming. The words describing Mary's response to the goings on around her struck a chord in my weary heart. She wasn't in control either. But instead of fretting she pondered and held the truths that she uncovered close to her heart.

So I began to look, to watch, and to ponder. Almost immediately I began to notice how God was providing so many things for me. A marvelous therapist who trudged through the depths with me. Friends who stood by me while others turned away in disgust and distrust. A Christian attorney who gently guided me through the process and understood that I didn't want to look for loop holes to get out of punishment. And an incredible husband, who like Joseph, might have been justified in leaving me in my own disaster, but who listened to God and stayed...and loved.

The list goes on and on. I found that the more I relinquished control, the more strength I found to face the pain in the moment. And though I faced incarceration (loss of freedom) I felt more freedom than I had ever known. I began to anticipate the presence of God each step along the way.

Christmas came in 2001. It was an extremely precious time of gathering together with family. There was a fullness and sweetness of each moment. And while I really don't remember what presents were unwrapped that day, I can name the gifts that came one, by one, by one.

And now it's 2005. It seems like so many more than four Christmases have passed and I have a choice of whether I will focus on the trappings, or focus on the Gift. As for me and my house, we will choose the gift.