A Little About Me

Nelson is hanging in there. He's taking less pain meds. Ducolax is an amazingly quick working stool softenor and true love is wiping/cleaning your beloveds butt. He's getting tired of only laying on his back and bored, but working hard at being a model patient.

Now I'd like to talk about me for a minute. I'm becomnig very aware of something about myself. I have always been intrigued and impressed by the Meyers-Briggs Trait Inventory. I think it is insight-full and helpful for understanding much about oneself and applying that knowledge to many facets of life (relationships, work, leisure, and spirituality to name a few).

I became familiar with MBTI during my chaplaincy training (CPE) in Kansas City. The first time I took the inventory came out as a ESFP. My result reflected my mask or external self that was "on" most of the time. My supervisors and groupmates helped me to unpack that and I retook the inventory. Not too surprisingly, I came out a INFJ--just about as opposite as you can get. Again, however, this felt more like what I wanted to be. In the end, I learned I was terribly confused and it's very difficult to "develop one's pastoral identity" (goal of CPE) when one isn't aware of one's personal identity.

Over the years I've hung in there with MBTI, reading and trying to understand so that I can better understand myself. This became an even more pressing study after I committed my crime and wanted to better understand how the heck I got there so that I would be sure to never go back. I learned:
1. I do the extrovert exceptionally well. So well in fact, that people expect it out of me in social situations. I'm the motivator, the entertainer, the mingler. When I don't act this way people who know me wonder what's wrong with me?
2. Playing the role of extrovert takes a huge toll on me emotional and physically. I can do it, but it doesn't energize me. Quite the contrary, I'm drained. My kids noticed a definite difference in me when they observed my extroverted behavior at work and leading groups and then saw me crash and withdraw at home. It was hard for them to reconcile the two sides of their mom.
3. I am most balanced between sensing and the intuitive (N and S), while there is very little Thinking in me--I'm off the scale into Feeling (T and F). I can be a planner (J), but generally function more naturally flying by the seat of my pants (P). I think that has something to do with the perfectionist in me. I can live by the datebook and rules, but if you're more happy-go-lucky then you're less likely to screw up when you just take things as they come. You're also less disappointed and growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home planning only led to disappointment so why bother?
4. Now, here's what has struck me this weekend---and why I'm even thinking about these things at all. I have developed into quite an I (introverted) personality. This could be due in part to not having much of any outlet for my extrovert (not necessary for my job and not leading in any other capacities of my life right now).

Since Nelson has been home from the hospital Ann has been here with Penelope. I love them. I am so happy that they are here to help. But with them here, Nelson here 24/7, and Beth being here I don't have any quiet alone time. Right now my computer is offline (Annie upgraded to XP and my Netgear utility didn't transfer so I'm waiting for a service call to fix that) so I'm using the computer in Beth's room. I feel like I'm intruding in her space so I wait till she's at work. This afternoon, Rhonda and Steve are coming to visit. I dearly love them and will be happy to see them. Oh, and Travis came over yesterday morning--he's been missing Annie and Penelope.

So I have a houseful of people--whom I love and treasure--and yet I look at it with an unusal level of dread. This feels very odd to me and I'm not liking it much. I'm sort of hoping the baby gets fussy so I can take her for a walk. I did that twice yesterday, and although it was extremely warm and humid, I welcomed the peaceful escape (Penelope fell asleep almost the instant the stroller wheels started turning).

And that feels selfish to me. The guilt arises because my family doesn't understand the introverted part of me and the downtime I require. Because I have been so "good" at wearing the mask and playing the extrovert role, that's what they expect. I've created a monster: me. And I'm not quite sure how to change the roles.

Now I would pooh-pooh anyone else who felt that way, but haven't quite mustered up the gracefulness for myself. Something to work on I guess.

So while I ponder my personal personality dilemma, y'all have a blessed day and if you're in a place where there'll be fireworks tonight--Enjoy!