Kisses!

(This is the second day of our Sunday School bus trip. Nelson was able to go along and that's been such a blessing. The first day we drove to Gettysburg. It was rainy and gray all the way and when we arrived at the battlefield, the sun poked through. It was a very moving experience for me.)

Hershey Kisses, that is!

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning. I woke up early to Mother Nature’s alarm clock: Get to the potty, NOW! Perhaps you’ve had those kinds of wake up calls.

Yesterday was such a beautiful day. We ate breakfast at the hotel. It was a relaxed time. The storms from the day before had moved on, leaving us with a crisp and clear fall morning. It was fun to drive through the Pennsylvanian hills to Lancaster.

We spent the morning in an area called the Kettle Kitchen village (http://www.kitchenkettle.com/home.html). Nelson was such a trouper! He followed me into all the shops and even acted interested as I oohed and ahhed all the sights and smells. While everyone else ate at the Amish cooking type restaurants, we snuck across the way to Subway and indulged in a yummy salad.

(Interjected side note: On Monday of this past week I started the weight management class at Curves and Nelson and I are following their plan for 6 weeks. It’s not a “diet” per say, but a method that really teaches you to read the labels and eat well according to the Glycemic Index. I’ve lost several pounds and feel really good. Reading the labels has been very enlightening. Our proportions were way out of control again. And I’ve been rudely awakened to the enormous quantity of carbs I’ve been packing away!! Not good at all! I’ll keep you posted on our progress. It’s not been easy on this trip, but we’re helping each other stick to it.)

Last evening we had a wonderful experience. We attended the production/presentation of “Ruth” at the Sight and Sound Millennium Theater (http://www.sight-sound.com/WebSiteSS/getlanguages.do). It was a wonderful play, magnificently prepared and presented. I just kept walking around saying, “Wow!” I would love to go back and see some of their other productions. Wow!

Today it’s on to Hershey. More time to visit little shops and take a tour. Then on our way back home we’ll stop at the Flight 93 Memorial. I’ll let you know how it all goes later. It probably won’t be tomorrow, because it will be a day spent on the road also. Nelson and I have to drive to Toledo, to his folks. That’s over a two hour trip. We’ll have Asher with us. I’m leaving him there and driving home after Asher gets to visit his great-grandparents. Then on Monday, Nelson and his dad are venturing up into Michigan to pick up my “new” car. He bought me a Mercury Mountaineer off Ebay. This is the 6th car he’s gotten for us that way. He wanted me to have something safe and road worthy driving in the snow belt this winter with my new job. I’m excited to get it. She’s not a new beast, a 1997 with a little rust, but she also has quite a few bells and whistles.

A final thought for today: As we drove through Gettysburg on our tour, we were directed to the Lutheran seminary and informed of its role during the battle. A seminary on a battlefield. It conjures up all kinds of images for me and raises several theological questions. I would love to sit in some of the classes and experience how the battle impacts their study and preparation. I would think it would have to…at least I would hope.

May there be lots of chocolate kisses in your day!

A Job

I met with the representatives of the T-Net board yesterday after work. The interview went well. It wasn’t your typical job interview. But then, this isn’t your typical job. It’s truly a ministry position. I mean, when was the last time someone asked what your spouse thought about the position? That is a standard question asked by church boards interviewing prospective pastors—at least it was in my experience.

The board decided instead of going with medical insurance to create a medical savings account and we would still have to secure our own medical coverage. Nelson has found some possibilities he’s going to check further into.

We talked about some interesting things. Here are some things that I shared:
-When asked what I brought to this position, I shared that I felt I brought a depth of empathy not often found by wounded people seeking help. I can really come alongside folk and understand the negativity, and neverending judgment. My experience also enables me to be better equipped to confront the game-playing and poor me attitude.
-When asked what I would change about what T-Net is doing, I said that I thought they needed to do more to help folks find housing and create more opportunities for work placement—so I really wouldn’t “change” anything, I would work to expand what they’re already doing. Something that I thought about but never articulated was that I think they need to do more to secure grant money for funding—an area that I’m excited about helping with.
-When asked when it was that I felt restored, I shared that I’m not sure I fully feel restored. I talked a bit about how I experienced substantial healing through the process I went through with the Mennonite church I had been pasturing. Release came again this spring when I was released from my ordination with the Church of the Nazarene, enabling me to become more fully involved in the Brethren Church we’re attending. But even with all that, I don’t want to loose touch with my brokenness.
-When asked what/who my ideal supervisor is/was, I explained that is one of the saddest things about considering this position for me. By far the best supervisor I have ever had is the one I have right now. Ed is genuine, supportive, encouraging, positive, and is all those things with everyone. I told the board about how when I fist was asked to consider this position I went to talk with Ed about it. He spent quite a bit of time helping me sort through things and then when we were done he prayed with and for me.

That’s enough of that.

Dan called me this afternoon and offered me the position. Nelson is still nervous, but supports me in this. When I’m done writing this I’m going to write my resignation letter.

Update on the blowup: Nelson has been very aware of his word choices. He has been opening up more and we have moved from silence, to conversation, to a more natural humor, to life without eggshells. It’s good.

Well, I better stop now and write that letter---I’m procrastinating and I’ll have to think about what that’s about.

Words Hurt

Words Hurt

I think that’s why I’m a rehearser.

I grew up in a home where words were spewed out of anger or disgust. Things were said without any thought given to the repercussions (I just spent way too long trying to figure out how to spell that word).

I’m almost sure that’s one of the major reasons I rehearse what I’m going to say. On the one hand, I am able to hear what I’m thinking before I say it and therefore I weed out most hurtful comments. And then, by rehearsing, I can say all the hurtful things, purging them from my system, before I say what is way more diplomatic.

Yesterday, I should have done more rehearsing.

Nelson went to men’s prayer breakfast. He was quite excited. That made me excited. He just doesn’t get with people very often.

Afterwards he planned to go grocery shopping in M-town (15mi to our south) at Kroger and Meijer—he scours their ads to find great deals. He said he would be home around lunch.

At about noon, I called his cell to see where he was at. He was at our local grocer, getting ready to head home. I knew that he’d be home in about 5minutes so I moved to the front door to be ready to bring groceries in. The baby was just waking up and needed that little bit of extra cuddle time, so Beth was going to keep both Asher and Shera out of the line of traffic. I thought it was a pretty good plan. I was wrong.

As we got to the end of the groceries, there was a flat of cans of fruit, some bags, and a odd-shaped flat of Snapple. Nelson grabbed something and I grabbed the Snapple and the end of the bags. My plan was to come back for the fruit and shut the hatch. I knew my next step was to put everything away.

No sooner had we taken but a couple steps away from the car when Nelson sourly (imagine the most judgmental Rabbit/Eeyore voice) stated that he couldn’t understand why I did it that way. It would have made more sense to give him some of the bags and then stack the fruit and Snapple. I could then stay in the kitchen and start putting away while he went for the last trip and closed the hatch. As he walked in the front door he punctuated his disgust with a comment about how he thought Beth could have been more helpful.

Just beat me with a stick. I was so aggravated. I got the final load and then just stayed in the kitchen putting everything away. When I finally came out, Nelson asked why I looked so upset. I had been fuming through some things I wanted to say to him, but I hadn’t rehearsed them enough. Typically, I would have “lied” and said I wasn’t upset, but this time I said what I was thinking and feeling. I told him I was hurt by his words. I told him I didn’t understand why he snapped on Beth and I. He got loudly angry and protested that he didn’t snap. So, I gave him that, but went on to say that what he did do was put us down because we didn’t do things the way he was thinking and therefore his comments made us feel stupid, worthless, and unappreciated. He got louder. I finished with the groceries and went to my room.

About five minutes after being there Beth came and told me I didn’t have to “hide” in my room because Nelson had walked out and drove away. He hasn’t done that for a lot of years. He stayed gone until nearly 5pm. I tried to call him, but he turned his cell off. When he got home he came in the back door and went upstairs to take a nap.

He got up from his nap around 7ish and went into Beth’s room to get on her computer. I walked up there and asked if we were going to talk. He said no. He didn’t think talking would be good. From now on he was only going to answer questions. He would keep his opinion to himself and initiate no more conversations. I walked away in tears.

The rest of the evening he was true to his word. And he will stay that way. That’s just how he is. I love him but he can be quite infuriating.

I was lonely last night. That’s probably not going to change much.
Words hurt. So does the lack of them.

Multi-level Feelings

Wednesday night Beth worked until nearly midnight. When she got in she woke me up—I fall asleep in her bedroom where Asher’s bed is also. I was a little fuzzy, but she was quick to fill me in on her disappointment with work. She feels unappreciated, even though she goes in early every shift and prepares all her stuff and lots of stuff for others. She picks up a shift whenever asked. She’s trained to be a trainer and is being trained on the bar. But this week the lack of respect and appreciation got to her and she wanted me to help her write a resume. As best I could I tried to think through the info we would need—and then I went to bed.

Thursday when I got home she was home from work already. I asked what her plans were. She and R were taking Asher and going to look for a place to live. Run that by me again? I have so many feelings about this—I don’t even know where to start. Yes, I do. It’s exactly what her sister did to me. After letting me create this huge place in my heart for a special little person, they just yank them out. I watched Penelope every single day. She was my girl and then she was gone. I know, not completely, but it’s so different and so hard on the heart. I have watched Asher every day. I look forward to coming home to his smile. I celebrate each new thing. He’s my heart.

That aside, she’s talking about moving in with a guy. We like him. We like how he treats Beth. We love how he is with Asher. They don’t know each well enough to get married, but they can live together? Part of me doesn’t like it. Part of me thinks it’s better than the garbage that can happen if they get married and it doesn’t work out.

As it was they didn’t find a place last night, but they’re still looking. What’s interesting is that they are only looking in one area of town. Beth has decided which elementary school she wants Asher to go to. He’s only 7 ½ months old! I guess it’s never to early to think about these things.

I worked hard today. I mean I really poured it on. I got sort of irritated—downright ticked off at the lackadaisical attitude of some of the workers. Sigh. It sucks to have such an overactive work ethic.

At one point Mr. R came through the plant showing a group from another plant our strengths and processes. He even brought them back to the packaging area. He walked up to me and asked: Do you still work for us? Uh, yeah. I haven’t interviewed with the board for the other position. He said that the new position holds some good things for me. And then he said, “And D’s not such an a**hole to work with.” I laughed out loud. In one sentence, candidly shared, he put so many of my concerns to rest.

Then at the end of the day, D stopped by to drop off everyone’s checks. I giggled internally thinking again about Mr. R’s comment. While we talked, D basically told me that if I wanted the job it was mine. He just wants me to meet with the board so that they can prayerfully verify what he’s already thinking. Sounds like I need to be prayerfully considering my response to their offer.

I’m really ready for this weekend. I have nothing planned. A little reading. A little writing. And a whole lot of watching football! I’m ready, really ready for some football!

Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.
I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.
This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.


One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense. When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC. Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me.

When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet. And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13th. More time to learn and be ready I guess.

How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Princess of Power

Our bedroom door doesn’t latch. Even before we got the P2, when we ran the AC we would prop something in front of the door to keep it shut. Now we pile things in front of the door to keep the kitten out.

Kitten. Little kitten.

Kitten nothing! She now has a new name. We now call her Shera. When my girls were little there was a cartoon called Shera, Princess of Power. When she was fighting evil bad guys, she would raise her sword to the sky and announce: I have the power! P2 has the power!

Last night I started by putting the laundry basket in front of the door. She pushed the door open. Next I put one of Nelson’s steel toe work boots in the basket. She pushed the door open. Then I put a box up against the door with the laundry basket and boot. She opened the door. So my next step was to put all of Nelson’s boots and shoes in the basket. I laid back in bed confident that she wouldn’t be able to open the door. I kept hearing her pounding against the door, clawing, and mewing. I didn’t hear her for a few minutes and I breathed a sigh of relief. Next thing I knew she pounced on my arm, claws out leaving a good scratch which seemed to punctuate her feelings: I’m in and I’m staying. I waved the white flag and tried to go to sleep.

In the morning I was helping Nelson get ready for therapy and get myself off to work on time. (I had already been to work out at Curves!) I told Nelson that I had a new name for the kitten. He approved. It fits. Tiny kitten, big power.

So now we have to decide whether to move a dresser in front of the door or just learn how to share our bed.

Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.

I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.

This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.

One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense.

When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC.

Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me. When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet.

And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13^th. More time to learn and be ready I guess. How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz