Permission to fall apart.
I just got back from the OB/GYN. Hadn’t had an annual check up since fall of 2003. Now I have a mammogram, bone density, blood work, and ultrasound scheduled. One week after the ultrasound I return to the office for a biopsy of sorts.
I stopped at the scheduling desk on my way out and got it all put on the calendar. It’s all rule out sort of stuff. Nothing is radically wrong…well except for this pesky spotting between periods which could very minor or the big C.
After I left the office I went straight out to Nelson’s work. Fortunately, he could take a couple minutes to reassure me. Oddly, though I’m a little concerned about the testing and possible results, the thing I’m most concerned about is the cost. He has insurance coverage, but things still cost. I needed his reassurance that I’m worth the cost.
I’m sure that sounds crazy, but a peek into my childhood explains the fear. When I was little I had four corrective eye surgeries. I overheard my parents discussing and “complaining” about the expense. They had to drag, I mean take, me over to Toledo almost every Saturday and that was more expense and a “waste” of time. My child ears, mind, and heart heard that I wasn’t worth it. I was a burden. Not a good message for a child to get.
I was just talking with Dan about it. I grew up battling the “worth” monster. At the agency I worked at BC I went three years without asking for even a cost of living raise. I told Dan not to get any ideas, I have healed a bit on that one! But worth is an issue and struggle for me.
Nelson smiled his cute reassuring smile and told me we would make it work and asked how I was. I’ll be ok. I just dealt better with permission to be colorful and relaxed than I am with permission to fall apart.
About Me
- daisymarie
- I am 54 years old. I have been married for 32 years to one of the most incredible men on the face of the planet. Our journey hasn't been easy, but it's been rich in love, forgiveness, joy, and adventure. I'm learning daily that God really does have a plan for my life. I want to live into whatever that means...however it unfolds. I'm an ESFP with a healthy dose of ADD...I love to help people see how very incredible they are and how much love God wants to lavish on them!
2 comments:
DM, I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that as a child. How horrendous for you. I simply can't imagine...
I do remember a time once where I was at the dentist - maybe 8 or 9 years old - and my father had to put the cost on three separate charge cards because none of them could hold the cost of my new filling. That was the first time I knew my mother was right - money really didn't grow on trees!
Praying for you that everything turns out okay. And yeah...Nelson's right. You're worth it. God said so and He's never wrong, right?
Absolute permission to fall apart - we need to know there are times when falling apart is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. I will be praying for you as you go through all these tests dear friend.
Last week I told dearest one that I knew I needed glasses but hadn't been booking the appointment because I was afraid I was costing him too much money. Sigh. He looked at me and told me that he couldn't make me believe I was worth it. He gets frustrated at my continuing struggle with worthiness when it comes to all things financial.
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