Interesting

I needed to sit with your responses for a while.
They aren’t what I expected.

When I said something about “permission to fall apart” my mind was referring back to the “permissions” of the previous post: permission to be colorful and permission to relax. What I was thinking about was about how I was falling apart physically and how it seemed to happen with the monumental turning of 50. But a deeper intent seems to have risen to the surface and cry out to be heard. And so I’m listening.

There has not been much permission in my life to “fall apart” emotionally. Emotions, pretty much, were denied by the individual and ignored by others. Thinking about that, I’m pretty sure that my sister’s “headaches” while real were a somatic cry to be heard. I replaced feeling with busy. So did you catch the irony? I finally feel like I have permission to relax and now I loose my emotion muffler (busy-ness). I’m so out of tune with my emotions that I write what I think is something about my physical being and you all hear my emotional cry regarding my need to fall apart emotionally.

Thanks for catching that. That’s the beauty of this process. That’s one of the main reasons I treasure it so very much…treasure you.

I want you to know that I really took in your messages. The initial shook of what the doctor explained to me has worn off. I’m thinking more clearly. It’s amazing how quickly I latched on to the worst case scenario. I guess the possibility has to be considered, but I am choosing not to dwell there. Most everything that she ordered, test-wise, is standard rule out stuff. We will get through this!

I’m glad the appointment was on Tuesday and not today. This morning Nelson left with a group to go on a mission trip with people from our church. They are headed to Chicago to work at an inner city mission. Nelson hasn’t been on a mission trip since 2000 when he went to Belize. I’m going to miss his cooking all weekend, but I’m so happy he got to go! And I’m happy he was here Tuesday to heap on his wonderful reassurance. Trust me, I know how blessed I am to have that man in my life!

Well, work is screaming. TTFN