I needed to sit with your responses for a while.
They aren’t what I expected.
When I said something about “permission to fall apart” my mind was referring back to the “permissions” of the previous post: permission to be colorful and permission to relax. What I was thinking about was about how I was falling apart physically and how it seemed to happen with the monumental turning of 50. But a deeper intent seems to have risen to the surface and cry out to be heard. And so I’m listening.
There has not been much permission in my life to “fall apart” emotionally. Emotions, pretty much, were denied by the individual and ignored by others. Thinking about that, I’m pretty sure that my sister’s “headaches” while real were a somatic cry to be heard. I replaced feeling with busy. So did you catch the irony? I finally feel like I have permission to relax and now I loose my emotion muffler (busy-ness). I’m so out of tune with my emotions that I write what I think is something about my physical being and you all hear my emotional cry regarding my need to fall apart emotionally.
Thanks for catching that. That’s the beauty of this process. That’s one of the main reasons I treasure it so very much…treasure you.
I want you to know that I really took in your messages. The initial shook of what the doctor explained to me has worn off. I’m thinking more clearly. It’s amazing how quickly I latched on to the worst case scenario. I guess the possibility has to be considered, but I am choosing not to dwell there. Most everything that she ordered, test-wise, is standard rule out stuff. We will get through this!
I’m glad the appointment was on Tuesday and not today. This morning Nelson left with a group to go on a mission trip with people from our church. They are headed to Chicago to work at an inner city mission. Nelson hasn’t been on a mission trip since 2000 when he went to Belize. I’m going to miss his cooking all weekend, but I’m so happy he got to go! And I’m happy he was here Tuesday to heap on his wonderful reassurance. Trust me, I know how blessed I am to have that man in my life!
Well, work is screaming. TTFN
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Permission
Permission to fall apart.
I just got back from the OB/GYN. Hadn’t had an annual check up since fall of 2003. Now I have a mammogram, bone density, blood work, and ultrasound scheduled. One week after the ultrasound I return to the office for a biopsy of sorts.
I stopped at the scheduling desk on my way out and got it all put on the calendar. It’s all rule out sort of stuff. Nothing is radically wrong…well except for this pesky spotting between periods which could very minor or the big C.
After I left the office I went straight out to Nelson’s work. Fortunately, he could take a couple minutes to reassure me. Oddly, though I’m a little concerned about the testing and possible results, the thing I’m most concerned about is the cost. He has insurance coverage, but things still cost. I needed his reassurance that I’m worth the cost.
I’m sure that sounds crazy, but a peek into my childhood explains the fear. When I was little I had four corrective eye surgeries. I overheard my parents discussing and “complaining” about the expense. They had to drag, I mean take, me over to Toledo almost every Saturday and that was more expense and a “waste” of time. My child ears, mind, and heart heard that I wasn’t worth it. I was a burden. Not a good message for a child to get.
I was just talking with Dan about it. I grew up battling the “worth” monster. At the agency I worked at BC I went three years without asking for even a cost of living raise. I told Dan not to get any ideas, I have healed a bit on that one! But worth is an issue and struggle for me.
Nelson smiled his cute reassuring smile and told me we would make it work and asked how I was. I’ll be ok. I just dealt better with permission to be colorful and relaxed than I am with permission to fall apart.
I just got back from the OB/GYN. Hadn’t had an annual check up since fall of 2003. Now I have a mammogram, bone density, blood work, and ultrasound scheduled. One week after the ultrasound I return to the office for a biopsy of sorts.
I stopped at the scheduling desk on my way out and got it all put on the calendar. It’s all rule out sort of stuff. Nothing is radically wrong…well except for this pesky spotting between periods which could very minor or the big C.
After I left the office I went straight out to Nelson’s work. Fortunately, he could take a couple minutes to reassure me. Oddly, though I’m a little concerned about the testing and possible results, the thing I’m most concerned about is the cost. He has insurance coverage, but things still cost. I needed his reassurance that I’m worth the cost.
I’m sure that sounds crazy, but a peek into my childhood explains the fear. When I was little I had four corrective eye surgeries. I overheard my parents discussing and “complaining” about the expense. They had to drag, I mean take, me over to Toledo almost every Saturday and that was more expense and a “waste” of time. My child ears, mind, and heart heard that I wasn’t worth it. I was a burden. Not a good message for a child to get.
I was just talking with Dan about it. I grew up battling the “worth” monster. At the agency I worked at BC I went three years without asking for even a cost of living raise. I told Dan not to get any ideas, I have healed a bit on that one! But worth is an issue and struggle for me.
Nelson smiled his cute reassuring smile and told me we would make it work and asked how I was. I’ll be ok. I just dealt better with permission to be colorful and relaxed than I am with permission to fall apart.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Lovin' It
I have so many things I want to write about.
This past weekend I went to the Women of Faith Conference in Cleveland, Ohio. It was a powerful experience for me at a lot of different levels. I was tired and crampy (yeehaw), but I enjoy the fellowship of the group of women I was with that I sucked it up and soaked it in. I really enjoy the speakers of WOF, too. It was very interesting that on Friday night that several of the speaker and presenters made this statement: God has you in that seat for a purpose.
Right before the fun began in the arena I was chatting away with the woman sitting next to me. All of a sudden, she looked over my shoulder and greeted a woman from church who had come separately. It happened to be the woman who had led our group a year ago at church who we had the unfortunate non-fellowship experience. It’s kind of funny, I was going to put a link back to where I wrote about it originally and I couldn’t find it. I’m glad for that. Subsequent to the time, it’s safe to describe our interchanges as strained. Then right before vacation Dan asked me what had happened between me and her. He could only know there was something if she had been asking him about me. To say that I was uneasy and concerned is an understatement. So I look up and see this woman and God’s messengers tell me He put us side by side. God has an interesting sense of humor. More interesting to me was the fact that even though I had attempted some pleasantries, on Saturday morning she exchanged seats and moved out of the seat God had assigned. I’m still processing that one.
I’m noticing something quite nice. Now don’t laugh, not even a giggle! I am enjoying being 50. It reminds me a little of being in Arizona. Down there with the strong Hispanic influence there just seems to be blanket permission to be colorful. I love it! Being 50 is like having permission to slow down, permission to savor, permission to enjoy. That probably sounds weird to many of you, but I have been so incredibly driven all my adult life that this is radically different for me. And I like it!
And fiction. I know I’ve mentioned that I’ve been reading novels lately. I thought maybe it would end when I got back from Mom’s but I spent the most delightful couple of hours last evening sitting on my front porch (on the new pseudo-wicker furniture Nelson bought me—tan/natural with burgundy flowered cushions; settee, 2 chairs and a table) reading. I only came in because it got too dark to read. I actually found myself considering bringing out a candle.
I guess I’m just feeling relaxed and dare I say content. Never thought I’d get here, but I think I’ll book a room coz it’s really quite nice!
This past weekend I went to the Women of Faith Conference in Cleveland, Ohio. It was a powerful experience for me at a lot of different levels. I was tired and crampy (yeehaw), but I enjoy the fellowship of the group of women I was with that I sucked it up and soaked it in. I really enjoy the speakers of WOF, too. It was very interesting that on Friday night that several of the speaker and presenters made this statement: God has you in that seat for a purpose.
Right before the fun began in the arena I was chatting away with the woman sitting next to me. All of a sudden, she looked over my shoulder and greeted a woman from church who had come separately. It happened to be the woman who had led our group a year ago at church who we had the unfortunate non-fellowship experience. It’s kind of funny, I was going to put a link back to where I wrote about it originally and I couldn’t find it. I’m glad for that. Subsequent to the time, it’s safe to describe our interchanges as strained. Then right before vacation Dan asked me what had happened between me and her. He could only know there was something if she had been asking him about me. To say that I was uneasy and concerned is an understatement. So I look up and see this woman and God’s messengers tell me He put us side by side. God has an interesting sense of humor. More interesting to me was the fact that even though I had attempted some pleasantries, on Saturday morning she exchanged seats and moved out of the seat God had assigned. I’m still processing that one.
I’m noticing something quite nice. Now don’t laugh, not even a giggle! I am enjoying being 50. It reminds me a little of being in Arizona. Down there with the strong Hispanic influence there just seems to be blanket permission to be colorful. I love it! Being 50 is like having permission to slow down, permission to savor, permission to enjoy. That probably sounds weird to many of you, but I have been so incredibly driven all my adult life that this is radically different for me. And I like it!
And fiction. I know I’ve mentioned that I’ve been reading novels lately. I thought maybe it would end when I got back from Mom’s but I spent the most delightful couple of hours last evening sitting on my front porch (on the new pseudo-wicker furniture Nelson bought me—tan/natural with burgundy flowered cushions; settee, 2 chairs and a table) reading. I only came in because it got too dark to read. I actually found myself considering bringing out a candle.
I guess I’m just feeling relaxed and dare I say content. Never thought I’d get here, but I think I’ll book a room coz it’s really quite nice!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Back Home
Total Scrabble games: 87
Score: Mom 43 Daisy 44
That's the closest we've been and the most games we've ever played!
Today I'm going through withdrawl.
Here are my notes from vacation:
Here's Tina laughing at herself:
-This morning woke up at 2:00am and Mother Nature was screaming in my ear. I threw my legs over the edge of the bed to hop up and CRASH! The momentary disorientation cleared and reality dawned: I was at Mom's not in the cozy confines of my Ohio bedroom. I had tried to get out of bed through the wall. Not always the best plan. Fortunately, I didn't pee myself making this discovery.
-I went to Curves to work out this morning. They have a very nice facility. The staff person was very helpful. I stepped up to my first machine and about threw my hip into the next county. Oh my! I didn't even think about how the machines my set for more fragile bone structures. I was working the glute machine and it was set so much more gently. I just busted out with laughter and kept right on working.
Am I really on vacation? I have already taken three calls from the factory, made one to TCompany, and called the office and the boss to get new equipment. I also had a call from an participant that I'm trying to find a job for. My life is never dull. And before you scold me....I want the packaging folks to call: they're still learning and I don't want them making mistakes. It also gives me continued opportunities to encourage them in their new leadership roles...and okay: it keeps me as the authority that they need to respect and turn to.
Now that last statement may need some clarification. It's not that I want or need anymore to be the "know it all." There was a time (BC--before crime) when it was very important to me and my twisted psyche that I was indispensable. That's not what I'm shooting for here.
The people I work with struggle with two issues (among others of course) in big ways: authority and responsibility. They don't accept the authority of those they should. There are multitudes of reasons why, including ingrained patterns of behavior that can justify any longer other than to say that it's always been that way. Another major reason is that when they were young the people who were supposed to be trusted authorities had the same two issues and they never were able to mold healthy patterns of response in their children. Unfortunately, these kids grow thinking the only person they can trust is themselves, but they're not even really sure about that because they know that their own track record of good decisions doesn't exist.
They need to learn to trust that the person in authority, me, is trustworthy and if in a critical time (like moving to a new facility) I drop off the radar screen then my credibility and their trust drop proportionately. So, the phone will stay on.
As for responsibility, think back to when you were an adolescent. Remember how you wanted all the privileges but none of the responsibility? You think you knew it all, and absolutely knew what was best--until there was a crisis and then it was back to Mom and Dad to bail you out. As adults this leads to poor choices in relationships and in spending time and money. Bad choices result in painful and costly consequences. But who's going to bail you out now? Typically there is no one, and who can you trust anyway? Those who might help always attach some string (like wanting the person to change the behavior that got them in the jam). It's a self-destructive cycle.
I went to the endocrinologist with Mom today. He took an hour with us. He was not happy that Mom's doctor had not sent over the results of her past bone density tests. He wants to run some more tests, but his first thought is that she doesn't have osteomalsia, even though she remembered quite probably having rickets as a child.
The good bad news is that he scheduled her for a 24 hour urine catch and we learned that what he had asked for would actually take two separate days so we will be housebound Sunday morning through Tuesday morning. I guess we'll just have to stay out of the hundred degree weather and play scrabble instead (insert extremely huge cheesy grin).
We did learn that there really isn't any value to taking a vitamin E supplement. Mom had been taking one everyday because they touted to be antioxidant and good for your heart. The doctor said that the recent studies had disproved this and in fact more harm might be done than good.
I also learned from Mom's sharing that she had not taken HRT and that may have contributed to her bone loss. So now how do you know whether HRT is good or bad? I was sort of hoping to be able to avoid it given the familial proclivity to cancer--now I don't know.
Tonight we're having marinated chicken breasts--and I'm cooking. What a hoot! Mom took me grocery shopping yesterday and bought me whatever I wanted. The strawberries look yum!
On Sat...
After a few games of scrabble, Mom and I went to Tubac. This is one of my favorite places. It's an artsy village. There are all kinds of shops. I got everyone's gifts there: t-shirts, rompers for the boys, a puzzle of the Grand Canyon, a mug. We ate lunch at the Tubac Culinary School's Presidio Cafe. Oh my! Mom had a wonderful salad and I had a pannini with grilled eggplant and some other incredible stuff. We finished up our day out with a stop at the Green Valley Nut Company where we bought the rest of the gifts.
In the evening I took a walk to the nearest Walgreens. I finished the Karen Kingsbury book Like Dandelion Dust. It was quite good. All the ladies in our WMS group really like her books. This was my first. I like her style too. I had combed through Mom's books and wasn't really in the mood for her mysteries. So my walk was for exercise, but also to see if I could find something else to read. I perused their Best Seller's display. I picked one up about a 50 year old woman who faced the whole struggle about "not being able to go home." I thought it might be a good read. Then I noticed one called A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. He wrote The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Message in a Bottle, plus a whole lot more I hadn't heard of. I thought I'd give it a try.
Sunday Morning Bright and Fair...
This morning I took an early walk. I had decided to forgo church this morning. I left the house at 6:05am. It was a beautiful morning. God must have kept the windows open because the airs was so fresh. And while it's been nearly 100 degrees everyday, this morning it was comfortable right between 70 and 80.
Several others were walking as well. Some had two legs while more had four. I was surprised this morning to see more men than women walking, too.
In addition to the crisp morning air and the breath-taking views of the mountains surrounding me, the birds raised their voices. The quail were sounding out their warning. (They always sound like there singing in a bucket to me.) As I walked past one bush a momma and her peep scurried out across the street to safety.
The song of the morning dove is so incredibly mournful. I can't decide whether it is more peaceful or sad. It's such a calming sound. Can you imagine being a baby dove, to be raised surrounded by such a peaceful sound. Mom cringes when I wax on about the beautiful song of the dove. She thinks they're dirty disgusting birds that are far too prolific and should be hunted. It's better for us to play scrabble than to talk about wildlife.
There were so many other chirps and twitters as I walked my three plus miles. There was the chatter of the blue jay. They're so intimidating. They sound so mean. I give them a wide birth. There were some little red headed ones the size of finches. They have a high pitched song. And of course there was the loud call of the crow.
As I walked I talked. First I said thank you to Julia Cameron, the writing guru. I found myself noticing all the bird sounds and using creative adjectives to describe them. In her book The Artist's Way (or something like that, really it's recommended in all her books) she stresses the creative importance of walking everyday and using that time to feed your thoughts and observation skills.
Then I talked with God. It was some sweet one on one time. I remembered ten years ago when I was here visiting Mom. One night as I laid my head on my pillow, I realized that in ten years I would be old enough to live in this age restricted community. And here I am ten years later, no longer dreading the arrival of fifty, but now wishing that I could live in a place like this..
As I walked I noticed several places that have for sale signs. I walked by a couple to see if they have flyers. I don't think I'll ever be able to live in Green Valley. The prices are so high. Tucson might be more realistic and the north side is so wonderfully nestled in the mountains that I think I could be comfortable there.
In my conversation with God, though, he made me aware that there was a deeper transition taking place in me. Each time I have come out here, I just feel a connection in the depths of my being. It's like I'm holding my breath when I'm in Ohio and only really able to breathe here. My thinking is different here, too. I don't feel rushed or pressured. It's like all these visits have been preparing me for slowing down. All the struggles of the past years have been the grist to shape me ready to live a life that is still productive, but very, very different.
I just reread that paragraph. I'm not sure I conveyed those thoughts very well. I'll work some more on that.
Monday.
I took Mom's urine catch to the lab.
I went to work out. It was rather serendipitous (don't you just love that word) that while I was there the owner came in. She had just purchased this Curves within the last year. So I asked her some of the questions I had that pertain to owning a Curves here in the Southwest.
After my workout at Curves I went to the library and spent some time on the computer. I was about an hour into reading and surfing when the electricity went out. There were some pretty upset people--I guess this has happened a couple times lately. I was thankful that I wasn't doing anything really important.
One thing that I accomplished before the lights went out was to begin final arrangements to meet with at cyber-friend during my layover at Dallas/Fort Worth on Wednesday on my way home. I posted on her diary that I had a 3 hour layover and wouldn't it be cool to meet. So we'll see.
Tuesday.
I go home tomorrow. It makes me sad to think about.
I am looking forward to a couple things. Tomorrow during my layover in Dallas/Fort Worth I am going to connect the Happy Wife of OpenDiary. This should be lots of fun!
This morning started out the same as many others:
I took Mom's urine catch to the lab.
I worked out at Curves.
I went to the library.
I came home and we dove into Scrabble-mania.
We decided to go to our favorite Hallmark store, to run by Curves so Mom could buy me a Green Valley Curves shirt, and then have lunch at a quaint little bistro right next to Curves. The bistro was a wonderful choice. We had two luscious salads! And then it was home to dive right back into Scrabble!
I had an interesting conversation with God this morning about the whole idea of moving here. As I drove past the beautiful homes with their enormous price tags, I felt a bit of sadness. There's just no way we'll be able to afford to live here. Not any way that I can imagine.
So maybe here is just about the visits. I know I can live comfortably in Ohio. I know how to do that. I'm a simple girl with simple tastes and simple needs. Just as that thought came to me, I past three high priced luxury cars. I don't know if I would fit in here.
I finished the Sparks book this morning. I really enjoyed it. I will be looking in the library for his other works. When I was at Walmart Sunday night getting some more salad greens I picked up the Susannah's Garden. So far it's a good read too. Go figure: me getting into fiction!
I got my hair cut. Did I mention that? I did that on Friday. It's cut short. I wasn't going to do that. I had decided that since I wasn't working in the factory I would try and let it grow. My girls had been encouraging me to let it grow and I knew Nelson would like that, but it was just getting too shaggy and looked unkempt. So I got it cut short. Pixy-like, almost boy cut. At first I wasn't sure, but I like it so much. There's almost no care to it. It's cute. And way cooler. The only draw back: I'm noticing quite a few more grays. Hmmmmm. Now I wonder if can stick to my no color resolve? Only time and my hairdresser will know..
Score: Mom 43 Daisy 44
That's the closest we've been and the most games we've ever played!
Today I'm going through withdrawl.
Here are my notes from vacation:
Here's Tina laughing at herself:
-This morning woke up at 2:00am and Mother Nature was screaming in my ear. I threw my legs over the edge of the bed to hop up and CRASH! The momentary disorientation cleared and reality dawned: I was at Mom's not in the cozy confines of my Ohio bedroom. I had tried to get out of bed through the wall. Not always the best plan. Fortunately, I didn't pee myself making this discovery.
-I went to Curves to work out this morning. They have a very nice facility. The staff person was very helpful. I stepped up to my first machine and about threw my hip into the next county. Oh my! I didn't even think about how the machines my set for more fragile bone structures. I was working the glute machine and it was set so much more gently. I just busted out with laughter and kept right on working.
Am I really on vacation? I have already taken three calls from the factory, made one to TCompany, and called the office and the boss to get new equipment. I also had a call from an participant that I'm trying to find a job for. My life is never dull. And before you scold me....I want the packaging folks to call: they're still learning and I don't want them making mistakes. It also gives me continued opportunities to encourage them in their new leadership roles...and okay: it keeps me as the authority that they need to respect and turn to.
Now that last statement may need some clarification. It's not that I want or need anymore to be the "know it all." There was a time (BC--before crime) when it was very important to me and my twisted psyche that I was indispensable. That's not what I'm shooting for here.
The people I work with struggle with two issues (among others of course) in big ways: authority and responsibility. They don't accept the authority of those they should. There are multitudes of reasons why, including ingrained patterns of behavior that can justify any longer other than to say that it's always been that way. Another major reason is that when they were young the people who were supposed to be trusted authorities had the same two issues and they never were able to mold healthy patterns of response in their children. Unfortunately, these kids grow thinking the only person they can trust is themselves, but they're not even really sure about that because they know that their own track record of good decisions doesn't exist.
They need to learn to trust that the person in authority, me, is trustworthy and if in a critical time (like moving to a new facility) I drop off the radar screen then my credibility and their trust drop proportionately. So, the phone will stay on.
As for responsibility, think back to when you were an adolescent. Remember how you wanted all the privileges but none of the responsibility? You think you knew it all, and absolutely knew what was best--until there was a crisis and then it was back to Mom and Dad to bail you out. As adults this leads to poor choices in relationships and in spending time and money. Bad choices result in painful and costly consequences. But who's going to bail you out now? Typically there is no one, and who can you trust anyway? Those who might help always attach some string (like wanting the person to change the behavior that got them in the jam). It's a self-destructive cycle.
I went to the endocrinologist with Mom today. He took an hour with us. He was not happy that Mom's doctor had not sent over the results of her past bone density tests. He wants to run some more tests, but his first thought is that she doesn't have osteomalsia, even though she remembered quite probably having rickets as a child.
The good bad news is that he scheduled her for a 24 hour urine catch and we learned that what he had asked for would actually take two separate days so we will be housebound Sunday morning through Tuesday morning. I guess we'll just have to stay out of the hundred degree weather and play scrabble instead (insert extremely huge cheesy grin).
We did learn that there really isn't any value to taking a vitamin E supplement. Mom had been taking one everyday because they touted to be antioxidant and good for your heart. The doctor said that the recent studies had disproved this and in fact more harm might be done than good.
I also learned from Mom's sharing that she had not taken HRT and that may have contributed to her bone loss. So now how do you know whether HRT is good or bad? I was sort of hoping to be able to avoid it given the familial proclivity to cancer--now I don't know.
Tonight we're having marinated chicken breasts--and I'm cooking. What a hoot! Mom took me grocery shopping yesterday and bought me whatever I wanted. The strawberries look yum!
On Sat...
After a few games of scrabble, Mom and I went to Tubac. This is one of my favorite places. It's an artsy village. There are all kinds of shops. I got everyone's gifts there: t-shirts, rompers for the boys, a puzzle of the Grand Canyon, a mug. We ate lunch at the Tubac Culinary School's Presidio Cafe. Oh my! Mom had a wonderful salad and I had a pannini with grilled eggplant and some other incredible stuff. We finished up our day out with a stop at the Green Valley Nut Company where we bought the rest of the gifts.
In the evening I took a walk to the nearest Walgreens. I finished the Karen Kingsbury book Like Dandelion Dust. It was quite good. All the ladies in our WMS group really like her books. This was my first. I like her style too. I had combed through Mom's books and wasn't really in the mood for her mysteries. So my walk was for exercise, but also to see if I could find something else to read. I perused their Best Seller's display. I picked one up about a 50 year old woman who faced the whole struggle about "not being able to go home." I thought it might be a good read. Then I noticed one called A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. He wrote The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Message in a Bottle, plus a whole lot more I hadn't heard of. I thought I'd give it a try.
Sunday Morning Bright and Fair...
This morning I took an early walk. I had decided to forgo church this morning. I left the house at 6:05am. It was a beautiful morning. God must have kept the windows open because the airs was so fresh. And while it's been nearly 100 degrees everyday, this morning it was comfortable right between 70 and 80.
Several others were walking as well. Some had two legs while more had four. I was surprised this morning to see more men than women walking, too.
In addition to the crisp morning air and the breath-taking views of the mountains surrounding me, the birds raised their voices. The quail were sounding out their warning. (They always sound like there singing in a bucket to me.) As I walked past one bush a momma and her peep scurried out across the street to safety.
The song of the morning dove is so incredibly mournful. I can't decide whether it is more peaceful or sad. It's such a calming sound. Can you imagine being a baby dove, to be raised surrounded by such a peaceful sound. Mom cringes when I wax on about the beautiful song of the dove. She thinks they're dirty disgusting birds that are far too prolific and should be hunted. It's better for us to play scrabble than to talk about wildlife.
There were so many other chirps and twitters as I walked my three plus miles. There was the chatter of the blue jay. They're so intimidating. They sound so mean. I give them a wide birth. There were some little red headed ones the size of finches. They have a high pitched song. And of course there was the loud call of the crow.
As I walked I talked. First I said thank you to Julia Cameron, the writing guru. I found myself noticing all the bird sounds and using creative adjectives to describe them. In her book The Artist's Way (or something like that, really it's recommended in all her books) she stresses the creative importance of walking everyday and using that time to feed your thoughts and observation skills.
Then I talked with God. It was some sweet one on one time. I remembered ten years ago when I was here visiting Mom. One night as I laid my head on my pillow, I realized that in ten years I would be old enough to live in this age restricted community. And here I am ten years later, no longer dreading the arrival of fifty, but now wishing that I could live in a place like this..
As I walked I noticed several places that have for sale signs. I walked by a couple to see if they have flyers. I don't think I'll ever be able to live in Green Valley. The prices are so high. Tucson might be more realistic and the north side is so wonderfully nestled in the mountains that I think I could be comfortable there.
In my conversation with God, though, he made me aware that there was a deeper transition taking place in me. Each time I have come out here, I just feel a connection in the depths of my being. It's like I'm holding my breath when I'm in Ohio and only really able to breathe here. My thinking is different here, too. I don't feel rushed or pressured. It's like all these visits have been preparing me for slowing down. All the struggles of the past years have been the grist to shape me ready to live a life that is still productive, but very, very different.
I just reread that paragraph. I'm not sure I conveyed those thoughts very well. I'll work some more on that.
Monday.
I took Mom's urine catch to the lab.
I went to work out. It was rather serendipitous (don't you just love that word) that while I was there the owner came in. She had just purchased this Curves within the last year. So I asked her some of the questions I had that pertain to owning a Curves here in the Southwest.
After my workout at Curves I went to the library and spent some time on the computer. I was about an hour into reading and surfing when the electricity went out. There were some pretty upset people--I guess this has happened a couple times lately. I was thankful that I wasn't doing anything really important.
One thing that I accomplished before the lights went out was to begin final arrangements to meet with at cyber-friend during my layover at Dallas/Fort Worth on Wednesday on my way home. I posted on her diary that I had a 3 hour layover and wouldn't it be cool to meet. So we'll see.
Tuesday.
I go home tomorrow. It makes me sad to think about.
I am looking forward to a couple things. Tomorrow during my layover in Dallas/Fort Worth I am going to connect the Happy Wife of OpenDiary. This should be lots of fun!
This morning started out the same as many others:
I took Mom's urine catch to the lab.
I worked out at Curves.
I went to the library.
I came home and we dove into Scrabble-mania.
We decided to go to our favorite Hallmark store, to run by Curves so Mom could buy me a Green Valley Curves shirt, and then have lunch at a quaint little bistro right next to Curves. The bistro was a wonderful choice. We had two luscious salads! And then it was home to dive right back into Scrabble!
I had an interesting conversation with God this morning about the whole idea of moving here. As I drove past the beautiful homes with their enormous price tags, I felt a bit of sadness. There's just no way we'll be able to afford to live here. Not any way that I can imagine.
So maybe here is just about the visits. I know I can live comfortably in Ohio. I know how to do that. I'm a simple girl with simple tastes and simple needs. Just as that thought came to me, I past three high priced luxury cars. I don't know if I would fit in here.
I finished the Sparks book this morning. I really enjoyed it. I will be looking in the library for his other works. When I was at Walmart Sunday night getting some more salad greens I picked up the Susannah's Garden. So far it's a good read too. Go figure: me getting into fiction!
I got my hair cut. Did I mention that? I did that on Friday. It's cut short. I wasn't going to do that. I had decided that since I wasn't working in the factory I would try and let it grow. My girls had been encouraging me to let it grow and I knew Nelson would like that, but it was just getting too shaggy and looked unkempt. So I got it cut short. Pixy-like, almost boy cut. At first I wasn't sure, but I like it so much. There's almost no care to it. It's cute. And way cooler. The only draw back: I'm noticing quite a few more grays. Hmmmmm. Now I wonder if can stick to my no color resolve? Only time and my hairdresser will know..
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
VACATION!!!!!
(Picture me doin' the happy dance...okay, perhaps that's not too pleasant a pic....just see me with the hugest of smiles!!!!!!!)
Tomorrow morning I'm rising at 4:15am. I'm getting picked up at 5:15am. My friend Pam and I are heading for Columbus Airport where she will leave me. I will be boarding a plane and flying to Dallas/Ft. Worth and then on to TUCSON where my mom will pick me up. We will have an entire week to ourselves to truly play scrabble til our eyes fall out!!!!
I will be checking in on you at the library so behave!
Hugs and Hershey's kisses to you all!!!!!
Tomorrow morning I'm rising at 4:15am. I'm getting picked up at 5:15am. My friend Pam and I are heading for Columbus Airport where she will leave me. I will be boarding a plane and flying to Dallas/Ft. Worth and then on to TUCSON where my mom will pick me up. We will have an entire week to ourselves to truly play scrabble til our eyes fall out!!!!
I will be checking in on you at the library so behave!
Hugs and Hershey's kisses to you all!!!!!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Deleting Negativity
I have written several pieces but deleted them. It wasn't because they were not written well--there's a switch for me. There's been something gnawing at me, an unpleasant situation that has been troubling to me all week. I found out that a person had done something that caused my shame meter to read through the roof. It was pure malicious character assassignation.
I wanted to blast this person. Shame them the way they shamed me. My heart ached for vengence. To make matters worse I found out what this person had done through a friend who was afraid her own character was about to be maliciously attacked. So I was not only angry, I felt rising righteous indignation.
Not knowing, an internet friend that I greatly respect and appreciate posted a piece about holding one's tongue when facing the possibility of spreading negativity. I guess that's part of what kept me hitting the delet button.
Then this morning as we went to prayer in Sunday School, my Bible fell open to a very precious passage to me. When I was in jail this promise was given to me as an encouragement. This morning it seemed to reinforce that encouragement and remind me that the whole matter was in God's hands and He would and could handle it much better than I ever could.
Here's the passage:
"7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.I wait confidently for God to save me,and my God will certainly hear me.8 Do not gloat over me, my enemies!For though I fall, I will rise again.Though I sit in darkness,the Lord will be my light.9 I will be patient as the Lord punishes me,for I have sinned against him.But after that, he will take up my caseand give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies.The Lord will bring me into the light,and I will see his righteousness.10 Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side.They will be ashamed that they taunted me." (Micah 7:7-10a, New Living Translation).
I knew I was being punished then because I knew I had done something wrong. I was willing to endure that punishment because I deserved it. The promise was that God would restore me. He still is doing that. Each day brings new experiences that reinforce that. Like this morning, as I was walking toward the sanctuary, the regular worship leader stopped me. She had her grandson on her hip and shared that she was having a really rough grandma morning. Would there be anyway I could just hop in and lead worship? Uh, sure. So I did. After service a man I highly respect came up to me and said, "You have a gift to lead worship. I don't know how we're going to use it, but we'll figure it out." Tears filled my eyes.
My nemisis will probably read this. She takes delight in reading my entries and then filling her day and the ears of my former co-workers with snide and nasty comments about me. Oh well. As far as I'm concerned she's in God's hands. He's promised to take up my case.
It's going to be much easier to hold my tongue when negative comments come a knocking!
I wanted to blast this person. Shame them the way they shamed me. My heart ached for vengence. To make matters worse I found out what this person had done through a friend who was afraid her own character was about to be maliciously attacked. So I was not only angry, I felt rising righteous indignation.
Not knowing, an internet friend that I greatly respect and appreciate posted a piece about holding one's tongue when facing the possibility of spreading negativity. I guess that's part of what kept me hitting the delet button.
Then this morning as we went to prayer in Sunday School, my Bible fell open to a very precious passage to me. When I was in jail this promise was given to me as an encouragement. This morning it seemed to reinforce that encouragement and remind me that the whole matter was in God's hands and He would and could handle it much better than I ever could.
Here's the passage:
"7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.I wait confidently for God to save me,and my God will certainly hear me.8 Do not gloat over me, my enemies!For though I fall, I will rise again.Though I sit in darkness,the Lord will be my light.9 I will be patient as the Lord punishes me,for I have sinned against him.But after that, he will take up my caseand give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies.The Lord will bring me into the light,and I will see his righteousness.10 Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side.They will be ashamed that they taunted me." (Micah 7:7-10a, New Living Translation).
I knew I was being punished then because I knew I had done something wrong. I was willing to endure that punishment because I deserved it. The promise was that God would restore me. He still is doing that. Each day brings new experiences that reinforce that. Like this morning, as I was walking toward the sanctuary, the regular worship leader stopped me. She had her grandson on her hip and shared that she was having a really rough grandma morning. Would there be anyway I could just hop in and lead worship? Uh, sure. So I did. After service a man I highly respect came up to me and said, "You have a gift to lead worship. I don't know how we're going to use it, but we'll figure it out." Tears filled my eyes.
My nemisis will probably read this. She takes delight in reading my entries and then filling her day and the ears of my former co-workers with snide and nasty comments about me. Oh well. As far as I'm concerned she's in God's hands. He's promised to take up my case.
It's going to be much easier to hold my tongue when negative comments come a knocking!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Murphy Returns
It's Wednesday morning. I woke up at 3:40. I can't sleep. It's going to be a long day. They've all been long lately.
Monday, Murphy visited again, but got personal. I tried to keep my joy, but it wasn't easy. Early in the morning the Shipping and Receiving Team Leader reminded me that we didn't have any pallets. They were to come on the last truck run that was cancelled because of rain on Friday. I tossed him my car key and told him to run to the other plant, grab half a dozen and throw them in the back of my Mountaineer. He tossed the keys back and shared a different plan of taking materials off the ones there and using them. Life went on. Until I needed the key to run an errand. It was nowhere to be found.
I had four people tear the office apart--that's in addition to me. We scoured the work area and even opened up skids of packaged parts, just in case I set them down. That key was not willing to be found. I tried several times to get Nelson by cell, but he never turned his phone on. By the time I got someone at R Company to get a message to call me it was almost 2:00. I was counselled to call a dealer, give them my VIN# and they could get me a key. Good advice, except that would only work back to 98 and my car is a 97. (Insert weak smirky sort of smile)
Fortunately, we have AAA plus. They would send a locksmith and I would be covered for $50 of the cost to get him to make me a new key. Now I just needed Nelson to call back and tell me what to do. He called after 3:30. I call roadside service and the soonest the locksmith could be there was 6:30. Great. He's coming from about an hour away. If I use a local locksmith I loose the AAA benefit. So I sit and wait.
At first I waited in the building. I had my Palm with scrabble on it. I had a good book. I would be okay. At 6:00 I go out to the car, just in case he's early. I need to keep my cell at my side because he could call, but I'm down to one power bar and find out that my charger is broken. While I'm fiddling with that the sky opens up in an absolute delluge. I couldn't believe it. In that moment I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The locksmith arrived at 6:15. The rain stopped. He was a very nice man. In two hours he took apart my door panal and made me two keys. I was home by 8:15.
Yesterday at work my office Team Leader didn't show up. Her aunt finally called me around noon to tell me that M was in the ER. M called later in the day: she has a gall stone that needs to be surgically removed, but she has no insurance. They recommend that she go to Akron for the surgery.
At one point I needed some copies made. I lifted the lid to the copier and there at the side was my key. I thought I had tossed it into my purse, tore my purse apart several times. I guess it knew it needed to be copied. Funny thing is that several of us made copies on Monday and never saw it.
Last night I worked at Curves. Afterwards I went out with the manager and owners and had a really nice time. Being with them just made me want to buy a Curves ten times more than before.
Today is a ten hour day in the factory. I got up way too early for that. I think I'll be ready for bed tonight. Now it's time to get ready to go work out. I feel a little like the guy in the old Dunkin Donuts commercial: Time to make the donuts. (Watch me trudge out almost robotically.)
A couple of weeks ago during breakfast with my prayer partner, she shared a piece of wisdom with me that had been recommended to her: Don't let anyone steal your weather. That's my challenge today. Don't let anyone or anything steal yours!
Monday, Murphy visited again, but got personal. I tried to keep my joy, but it wasn't easy. Early in the morning the Shipping and Receiving Team Leader reminded me that we didn't have any pallets. They were to come on the last truck run that was cancelled because of rain on Friday. I tossed him my car key and told him to run to the other plant, grab half a dozen and throw them in the back of my Mountaineer. He tossed the keys back and shared a different plan of taking materials off the ones there and using them. Life went on. Until I needed the key to run an errand. It was nowhere to be found.
I had four people tear the office apart--that's in addition to me. We scoured the work area and even opened up skids of packaged parts, just in case I set them down. That key was not willing to be found. I tried several times to get Nelson by cell, but he never turned his phone on. By the time I got someone at R Company to get a message to call me it was almost 2:00. I was counselled to call a dealer, give them my VIN# and they could get me a key. Good advice, except that would only work back to 98 and my car is a 97. (Insert weak smirky sort of smile)
Fortunately, we have AAA plus. They would send a locksmith and I would be covered for $50 of the cost to get him to make me a new key. Now I just needed Nelson to call back and tell me what to do. He called after 3:30. I call roadside service and the soonest the locksmith could be there was 6:30. Great. He's coming from about an hour away. If I use a local locksmith I loose the AAA benefit. So I sit and wait.
At first I waited in the building. I had my Palm with scrabble on it. I had a good book. I would be okay. At 6:00 I go out to the car, just in case he's early. I need to keep my cell at my side because he could call, but I'm down to one power bar and find out that my charger is broken. While I'm fiddling with that the sky opens up in an absolute delluge. I couldn't believe it. In that moment I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The locksmith arrived at 6:15. The rain stopped. He was a very nice man. In two hours he took apart my door panal and made me two keys. I was home by 8:15.
Yesterday at work my office Team Leader didn't show up. Her aunt finally called me around noon to tell me that M was in the ER. M called later in the day: she has a gall stone that needs to be surgically removed, but she has no insurance. They recommend that she go to Akron for the surgery.
At one point I needed some copies made. I lifted the lid to the copier and there at the side was my key. I thought I had tossed it into my purse, tore my purse apart several times. I guess it knew it needed to be copied. Funny thing is that several of us made copies on Monday and never saw it.
Last night I worked at Curves. Afterwards I went out with the manager and owners and had a really nice time. Being with them just made me want to buy a Curves ten times more than before.
Today is a ten hour day in the factory. I got up way too early for that. I think I'll be ready for bed tonight. Now it's time to get ready to go work out. I feel a little like the guy in the old Dunkin Donuts commercial: Time to make the donuts. (Watch me trudge out almost robotically.)
A couple of weeks ago during breakfast with my prayer partner, she shared a piece of wisdom with me that had been recommended to her: Don't let anyone steal your weather. That's my challenge today. Don't let anyone or anything steal yours!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Moving Day
I just drank my supper. No, it wasn't one of those tasteless protein shakes. For some reason the only thing I wanted for supper was a rootbeer float. So Nelson stopped at our local rootbeer stand and got me one. It was lalicious.
I think that the reason that I wasn't hungry is that I am absolutely exhausted. Today was moving day. We had planned to move our entire packaging program to our new site today. Planned, aka hoped. Unfortunately, Murphy came to dwell among us. Fortuneately, we were able to keep going in spite of all his attempts at defeat.
First thing this morning, the trucking firm that we going to be using to transport parts from the factory where they are manufactured (and where we were) showed up with a 16' truck. We had opted to go with them and their 24' truck because, though it was smaller, we were assured that we could drive a forklift onto the truck and since the price was comparable to the company with the full size semi, we went with the smaller company to build our new relationship. The 16' foot truck they came with held very few pallets and we had to load it with a handcart.
While this was going on, I was trying to reach Dan. He had gone to a community-wide ministerial breakfast. I was under the impression that he would be there shortly after 8AM. He didn't leave the breakfast until after 9AM. When he got to the place where he was going to pick up a second moving truck (smaller but free---we were going to use it to move furniture) they informed him that the truck was in the shop getting new brakes. They were completely unapologetic about it, also. So Dan went and borrowed a pickup which we used to move several loads.
The transport company then decided to switch to a "flatbed" truck. I agreed to that thinking that they were going to bring a full-sized flat bed semi. Nope. They showed up with a 24' flatbed. My shipping and receiving (aka tow motor driver) team leader was a little leery but loaded the flatbed anyway. He only almost fell off once. (insert rolling of the eyes, a sigh, and the wonderment of whether anything else could go wrong).
We stopped for a short lunch break: let's hear it for $5 Little Ceasar's Pizza! We were back to moving. The transport company was balking at the number of loads it looked we were going to need to complete the job so we agreed on two more loads and then calling a day. I then went and scheduled a semi for at least two trips on Monday!
But wait, Murphy wasn't done! We got the first of the two loads transferred and the skies opened up and dumped an enormous storm on us. I cancelled the second load--you can't transport cardboard and auto parts in the rain. Then I told the crew to come on over to the new building and we would use the balance of the day to get set up for work on Monday.
I honestly believe that Cinderella's children are alive and well and living in Atown. The very mention, the very inkling, the very thought of 3:30PM and they are ready to bolt out the door. (insert shaking of the head and a heavy sigh) I was flat-out running through both plants trying to get the work done. If I wasn't running I was speed walking. No one keeps up with me. I lifted tables, file cabinets, and countless boxes. I was a filthy grub. The only thing I didn't do was break a nail! No one would guess that I am 50 watching me work. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just pointing out that I worked my butt off and even though I was spent, I was ready to work until the job was done. Only one person offered to stay but they needed to run a quick errand (to see a PO) and then they'd be back. We were close enough so I closed up for the day.
Next week I'll be working in the factory everday, all day, making sure that we're on track and doing things appropriately. This new facility is amazing. We have two-thirds more room. Everything we need is centrally located (bathrooms, break room, office, and drinking fountain). We're on the ground floor, but it's cool like being in the basement. The air is cleaner and it's way quieter. Being there is going to be such a blessing.
I will sleep well tonight. I may take some advil before I fall into bed. I have to work at Curves tomorrow. I hope I can move in the morning.
I just read back through this. I feel the need to add just a couple more things. This morning in our devotion I asked them what their fear was/is. Then I read Joshua 1:6-9: 6 "Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
We were strong and courageous. And it was a powerful image to keep in mind that no matter where we were/are God is with us! Each time Murphy popped up, we reminded ourselves that God was greater! Even though they didn't want to hang around and work as long as I would have liked, this crew did work well together and everyone worked. I was pleased by that.
So in the end today...I stole home! Take that Murphy!
I think that the reason that I wasn't hungry is that I am absolutely exhausted. Today was moving day. We had planned to move our entire packaging program to our new site today. Planned, aka hoped. Unfortunately, Murphy came to dwell among us. Fortuneately, we were able to keep going in spite of all his attempts at defeat.
First thing this morning, the trucking firm that we going to be using to transport parts from the factory where they are manufactured (and where we were) showed up with a 16' truck. We had opted to go with them and their 24' truck because, though it was smaller, we were assured that we could drive a forklift onto the truck and since the price was comparable to the company with the full size semi, we went with the smaller company to build our new relationship. The 16' foot truck they came with held very few pallets and we had to load it with a handcart.
While this was going on, I was trying to reach Dan. He had gone to a community-wide ministerial breakfast. I was under the impression that he would be there shortly after 8AM. He didn't leave the breakfast until after 9AM. When he got to the place where he was going to pick up a second moving truck (smaller but free---we were going to use it to move furniture) they informed him that the truck was in the shop getting new brakes. They were completely unapologetic about it, also. So Dan went and borrowed a pickup which we used to move several loads.
The transport company then decided to switch to a "flatbed" truck. I agreed to that thinking that they were going to bring a full-sized flat bed semi. Nope. They showed up with a 24' flatbed. My shipping and receiving (aka tow motor driver) team leader was a little leery but loaded the flatbed anyway. He only almost fell off once. (insert rolling of the eyes, a sigh, and the wonderment of whether anything else could go wrong).
We stopped for a short lunch break: let's hear it for $5 Little Ceasar's Pizza! We were back to moving. The transport company was balking at the number of loads it looked we were going to need to complete the job so we agreed on two more loads and then calling a day. I then went and scheduled a semi for at least two trips on Monday!
But wait, Murphy wasn't done! We got the first of the two loads transferred and the skies opened up and dumped an enormous storm on us. I cancelled the second load--you can't transport cardboard and auto parts in the rain. Then I told the crew to come on over to the new building and we would use the balance of the day to get set up for work on Monday.
I honestly believe that Cinderella's children are alive and well and living in Atown. The very mention, the very inkling, the very thought of 3:30PM and they are ready to bolt out the door. (insert shaking of the head and a heavy sigh) I was flat-out running through both plants trying to get the work done. If I wasn't running I was speed walking. No one keeps up with me. I lifted tables, file cabinets, and countless boxes. I was a filthy grub. The only thing I didn't do was break a nail! No one would guess that I am 50 watching me work. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just pointing out that I worked my butt off and even though I was spent, I was ready to work until the job was done. Only one person offered to stay but they needed to run a quick errand (to see a PO) and then they'd be back. We were close enough so I closed up for the day.
Next week I'll be working in the factory everday, all day, making sure that we're on track and doing things appropriately. This new facility is amazing. We have two-thirds more room. Everything we need is centrally located (bathrooms, break room, office, and drinking fountain). We're on the ground floor, but it's cool like being in the basement. The air is cleaner and it's way quieter. Being there is going to be such a blessing.
I will sleep well tonight. I may take some advil before I fall into bed. I have to work at Curves tomorrow. I hope I can move in the morning.
I just read back through this. I feel the need to add just a couple more things. This morning in our devotion I asked them what their fear was/is. Then I read Joshua 1:6-9: 6 "Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
We were strong and courageous. And it was a powerful image to keep in mind that no matter where we were/are God is with us! Each time Murphy popped up, we reminded ourselves that God was greater! Even though they didn't want to hang around and work as long as I would have liked, this crew did work well together and everyone worked. I was pleased by that.
So in the end today...I stole home! Take that Murphy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
