Looking at the Pieces

I’m sad.

I really enjoyed Steve Erwin. His passion was contagious, perhaps unorthodox, but a gift for sure.

I actually shed tears as Andre Agassi said good-bye to tennis. I played tennis in college. I wasn’t great, but I loved it. Growing up I hadn’t been encouraged to even consider sports. The summer after I graduated high school I picked up a racquet and determined I was going to learn to play. It was a struggle given my enormous depth perception problem (lousy eye muscles). But I made the team and even played a couple matches. All the players I cared about through the years are now done with tennis. It just made me feel so old.

I’m reading.

This was such a nice relaxing weekend. Nelson only watches sports on TV. Thankfully, I enjoy sports and enjoy watching them with him. When I wasn’t paying really close attention this weekend I was reading. I plucked a book off the bookshelf that I bought at a garage sale: “Not Counting Women and Children.” (by Megan McKenna) I’m liking it. It’s a challenging read, in that it challenges some of the stuff I’ve just taken for granted. I’ll try to write about some of it later.

One of the things that is coming out of the reading is a subtle reinforcement of my taking the job with Dan. Let’s see if I can make this make sense.

When I was in college, January of my junior year, I went with a group to Washington DC. We were visiting different ministries and churches and seeing how others “did” ministry. We spent a large portion of the experience working in the very poorest areas. Something changed in me, but over the years I never connected what I was doing with the seeds planted there in DC.

Much later I worked in an inner city church in Kansas City. It seemed a far cry from the farm country of Wisconsin where I had pastured before that. What could the two have in common? Um, me. When we were in Wisconsin we were unpaid and therefore had to go on assistance. I learned how degrading and demeaning the system can be. It sensitized me to the needs and hurts of others as they came to our food pantry and clothes closet.

And now here I am considering working again with the disenfranchised, the wounded, the guilty, the overlooked. I’m going to be walking with people most people don’t like—sometimes I don’t like them…don’t like me.

Megan McKenna speaks about pity in the first chapter of the book I’m reading. Jesus was distraught over the murder of his cousin John. He seeks some alone time to grieve, but the crowd is hurting too. They are confused and seek out Jesus. They follow him to the other side of the lake and when he sees them instead of sending them away so that he can fulfill his plan, he has pity on them and spends the day with them healing their bodies and their hearts. Passionate pity.

So I’m wondering about the way life has been unfolding for me. So much seems to have been preparing me for this next phase. Walking through the door seems so natural. It seems like the right next thing to do. No fanfare. Just a rightness. I have so much time until the meeting on the 13^th. More time to learn and be ready I guess. How weird it will be if the door slams shut before I get there. Then how will I make sense of all this. I guess I’ll think about that if the door shuts—but until then I’ll keep reading and seeing how the pieces seem to be fitting all together.

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Pretty in Pink

September 13 at 4:15. That’s when I meet with the T-Net board. Nelson has been doing research on insurance and he’s feeling like he might be able to adjust his thinking. Today Dan was talking to me about a meeting he had in Erie county and how open and ready they are to get started with the program—he said he wished he could move things up for me. Made me sort of think he’s thinking I have the job…if I decide I want it.

I’m still working out 5 mornings every week. I feel good. And it’s paying, too! Nelson got me a Coldwater Creek gift card on ebay. I’ve looked at their catalogue, but never thought I would get anything from them. I found out they have an outlet on the internet. So, I got brave and ordered some clothes. I’m in love! I was nervous that they would be too small—they fit!!! One of the items I got was a cute cotton jacket that is rose colored (going well with a pair of pants I ordered) and has a ruffle around the collar and lapels. I got it in just a size large thinking I would just wait to wear it until I lose some more weight. I tried it on and it fit---and I could button it!!! Button a jacket. I’m just tickled pink on this—well rose, anyway!

Well, this is going to be tremendously short since I’m sitting here falling asleep. Maybe more tomorrow…zzzzzzzzzzz

Don't Tell

Shhhhhh.
You can’t see me. I’m hiding.
Okay, I’m not doing so well at it. Sigh.

It’s been an emotional week.

I realized half way through last week that this was the first year that the anniversary of my father’s death slipped by me and I didn’t even notice. He died in 1989.

On Tuesday, I had to deal with a big disappointment. One of the guys who has been in the program for over a year now really screwed up and was arrested. I have poured a lot of time and energy into this guy. We were at the PO”s office at the same time and he deferred to me, allowing me to go ahead of him. The next morning I found out that he was hit with a probation violation and immediately taken to jail. He was on judicial release, so he will have to finish out his original sentence—about seven years—and then he will face time for whatever charges they will levy against him for new crimes.

I really believed in this guy. I knew when he was blowing smoke, but I never, NEVER, imagined the stuff he was in to. He lied to me about things and left details out of other things. I just wanted to smack him upside the head for being so stupid—but then I wasn’t sure that all my anger was at him. I felt so dumb for trusting and believing—and I don’t want to feel that way.

I thought a lot about that this week, especially as I dealt with the rest of the folk in the program. Who could I believe? Who was lying to me? Will I ever know if they’re telling the truth? What I decided is I trust very easily. I am able to be shrewd and discerning at times—but I tend to err on the side of believing in that there is goodness in people. I want to be that way and it makes me very sad to think about not being that way.

Then there was the job interview. There is so much going on with this and so much not. I’ve talked to some people who know what’s going on and they are of the opinion that if Dan was smart he’d figure out a way to get me insurance because he doesn’t want to and won’t be able to train someone else to do the packaging component of the job as well as I do. There words were encouraging.

This past weekend my mom was here. She and George arrived on Friday about the time I got off work. We played scrabble non-stop all weekend and on Monday too, since I took the day off. It was so good to be with her and George was actually quite well-behaved. That was a major relief.

At one point Mom and I were looking at old family pictures that I had gotten when my grandmother, Mom’s mom, died in 1999. While we were strolling down Memory Lane, Mom looked at an old picture of Grandma and she started to cry. It nearly broke my heart and it made me think about how awful it will be when she’s gone. But hopefully we’ll have lots more Scrabble marathons before we have to think about that.

Tonight Nelson and I had dinner at Ponderosa. I was pleased with how controlled I was with my eating. That felt good. Afterwards we went to check out the Grand Re-opening of our local Goodwill Store. It was a good night to go. Sweaters were on special at $1 a piece. So I picked out 4! I also got a pair of dress navy pants and a pair shorts to wear working out at Curves. For all that I paid $7.27. I was quite pleased. The really cool thing: I shopped the regular racks. There was soooooooo much more to choose from. I felt like a kid in a candy store.

I did talk with Dan this morning about the job. They’ve interviewed the other guy and today there was a board meeting at which they would decide when they would meet with us. Hopefully that will happen within the next week. In the meantime, I’ll try to come out of hiding. I’m pretty sure I can trust you.

SLAM!!!!

Did you hear that?
It was the sound of the door shutting.
I got a brief email response to my letter.
The answer is no.
Funny…it came on the day when I interviewed for the “opportunity.”
Good thing I don’t believe in coincidences.
The interview went well.
That’s not too surprising, I interview well.
The job description is very doable.
The salary was more than I anticipated.
There is ongoing dialogue about insurance.
Next step: they interview the other guy.
I have some definite pluses (I already know the packaging program—shoot, I created it!).
After that, we will interview with the board of the T-Net.
Many of them know me and the work I’ve done.
The whole process is going to take a couple more weeks.
Maybe by then they’ll know more about the insurance.
I surprised myself when I realized how much I want this job.
I wonder if that has anything to do with the other door slamming shut?

What day is it?

What day is it? I started the day thinking that it was the 9th. I had two orders to get out on the 10th, two orders that had 2400 parts in them. Nearly impossible. Completely impossible given the pokey-couldn’t-be-rushed attitude of my workers. I was steaming!

Late in the afternoon it dawned on me that we had an all-employee mandatory meeting on Thursday morning from 7-9am. I was concerned about leaving the crew unsupervised so I went to my supervisor to discuss it. I kept talking about the meeting that was going to take place “tomorrow.”

Shortly after that conversation I talked with the head of the shipping department and through great guffaws, he set me straight on the day and date. About five minutes later my supervisor came to let me know that he was having a bad day too. He was convinced that the meeting was tomorrow and called one of the third shift guys to remind him. He got quickly set straight. We laughed at each other and decided it’s been a long week already!

This morning I was doing a task that reminded me why I wasn’t and should never consider being a Home Ec teacher. We had run out of bubble wrap that we use to fill the void on our boxes and cartons, so I was cutting strips of this foam stuff to use instead. I was trying to do it like those incredibly talented women at the notions table at Walmart. I always marvel at how they barely move their scissors and whip right through whatever fabric they face. I couldn’t cut a straight line for anything.

The frustration caused me to laugh at myself, especially as I recalled an experience that I had as a substitute teacher. When Annie (dau #1) was a baby, I did some subbing in the county around our small town. One Friday afternoon I got a call from a nearby high school principal. His Home Ec teacher and regular sub were going to some conference and they needed someone to cover two days. The first day would be a sewing day and the second day would be a cooking day. We were so desperate for money, I quickly said yes, and then laughed myself silly after I hung up the phone.

I wasn’t the only one who laughed. Everyone who knew me laughed too. The first day I quickly identified the students who knew how to read patterns and work a sewing machine. I drew their wisdom out and paired them up with kids who had questions. It worked my total lack of any sewing knowledge never was fully discovered.

The second day held equal potential for total embarrassment. The cooking class was making dutch apple pies. I had never, ever made a pie. The class had already been divided up into teams. Everyone was doing well and I was feeling pretty good until one group came up to me and their lovely crumbly topping was a clump of dough-looking stuff. I had no clue how to fix it, so I worked with them to problem solve. They came up with an option and it turned out pretty good. That was a real brow-wiping relief!

And that’s why I was never a Home Ec teacher. And today is Tuesday and I need to go to worship team practice. Later!

Part Slinger

Today was our last early day for a while. I started the day “throwing” parts up on the line. These parts weight at least five pounds each. I pick them up out of a basket two at a time, and put them on the line to move toward the bearing press. This gets increasingly more difficult (and sometimes more painful) as the layers move toward the bottom of the basket. At one point I decided I’m just a part slinger.

Later in the day I moved to packaging. And there I did something I never thought I would do. I did a teaching with a guy that I never thought I’d do. A big chunk of my work with this crew is somewhat akin to a job coach. I’m working to help them make better work choices so that they can hopefully be hired somewhere full-time.

So this afternoon, two of the guys were having a discussion. The first guy said something the second guy didn’t like. He took a step back, thinking he was hidden by a stack of boxes and he “flipped” the first guy off. The problem with that was that he wasn’t hidden by the boxes and I turned around to catch him in the act. He immediately apologized. I let it set a moment and then I shifted in to teaching mode.

I called the guy over and explained that if he felt the absolute need to “salute” one of his co-workers, he was going to have to be a lot more subtle than that. I then proceeded to demonstrate how you have to “camouflage” the action. He insisted he didn’t think he’d get caught. I told him that stepping behind the boxes was an option, but then also pointed out that his very exaggerated motion was done facing the shipping dock and anyone walking by could have seen him, including management. He acknowledged that his action was a bit short-sighted.

I can’t believe I took ten minutes out of my day to teach this. Please know, we also discussed other ways of communication, but you can imagine what he really heard.

The Blizzards were a big hit. It appeared that they were a little surprised that I actually came through on my offer. I was impressed with their expressions of appreciation. Nelson did a great job of getting them there before they melted, too.

I’m thankful that it has cooled down some. We didn’t run the AC all day downstairs. Nelson is outside on the yard swing with Asher. They’re listening to the game. I can hear Nelson talking to Asher, telling what the different sounds are and keeping him updated on the game. I wish it wasn’t so dark, because that would make a wonderful picture.

Our singing was well received last night. We sang an old Imperials song: “If Heaven Never Was Promised to Me”, and two hymn medleys. The first included “Fairest Lord Jesus” and “I’d Rather Have Jesus.” The second is one we’ve sung a couple times at church that the people love to join in on: “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God”; “Rock of Ages”; “Victory In Jesus”; and “Because He Lives.”

It was interesting at the beginning of the meeting, as an ice-breaker, the leader asked us to introduce ourselves and then share what our favorite song was. Several people mentioned some of the hymns in our medleys. When it was my turn, I had to smile, since my favorite song is “Classical Gas” (a song from the 60’s by Mason Williams featuring a guitar solo). Nelson shared that one of his current favorites is “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” He sings it a lot to Asher and it always makes him smile.

I just took a break to do a little reading in the bathroom. That’s where we keep the “Readers’ Digest.” I remembered, while I was reading, a time when I was in a pageant for our little town. One of the questions posed to me by the judges was: what magazines do read at home. The only magazine we subscribed to (other than TV Guide) was “Readers’ Digest.” They weren’t impressed—like somehow that meant I lacked connection to the world. Phooey on them. I didn’t even place in that contest. Guess I didn’t need to be the Tomato Queen.

Well, I’m looking forward to a restful weekend, cooler and completely uneventful. That would be a blessing to my heart. May your heart also be blessed!

Hot Thursday

Everyone should own a Pepa bed. Just about everyday when I come home from work, Asher is asleep on Nelson. He’s there right now. He must be having sweet dreams because he keeps smiling so sweetly. He cut one of his upper front teeth. I called Nelson on one of my breaks this morning and there was this scrappy sound coming through the receiver. It was Asher “gnawing” on Nelson’s cane—he was using Nelson’s cane as a teether! Crazy baby! Crazier Pepa. Though come to think of it, my girls loved to get a hold of my keys to teeth on: something about cool metal felt good, I guess.

It’s supposed to rain here today and cool things down a couple degrees for tomorrow: I’ll believe it when it happens. We’re still working early (5-1:30), but it really doesn’t feel that much cooler at 5 than 7. My little crew is working in a poorly ventilated corner of the plant. We’ve really pushed it this week to get some orders out on time. I told them today that if they got two of three orders we were working on out on time today I would buy them Blizzards (ice cream treat from Dairy Queen) tomorrow. They were amazingly motivated. I don’t think they thought I was serious until I asked them at the end of the day what flavors they wanted. Nelson will go get them and bring them for lunchtime.

I can’t remember if I wrote about this: I’m writing a study guide for our small group ministry that compliments the pastor’s sermon. This has been a really fun exercise for me. I’ve done a few of them ahead of the sermon, which is a challenge as I then am anticipating the direction the pastor may go. The whole process is good to prepare me for the message and keep me reading and researching. I hope they are fitting well, the only feedback I’ve gotten is from the person who is in charge of the project. She’s been very encouraging.

Nelson and I are singing for our supper tonight. A few weeks ago we sang for the traditional worship service and a woman in our Sunday school class who heads one of the Mission Study Groups asked us if we would sing at their banquet/cookout tonight. So in a little bit (when the baby wakes up) we’ll practice that song and a few others. I really love singing with Nelson. We did an encore of the first song at the service where I play on the worship team (8:30am service) this past Sunday. People really like Nelson’s voice. It just makes me smile down to my toes to get to sing with him.

I haven’t heard anything back with regards to my letter. The college president was clearly absent from church on Sunday, so he and his wife may be out of town. I’m about to give up. I was talking to someone about it, and he asked how I was or how I’d handle it if it didn’t pan out. I said I was getting better with the idea. The longer I don’t hear anything, the more hope I surrender and pretty soon it will just be what it is.

Well, it’s time to practice…TTFN

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

I went shopping tonight. I only have one pair of shorts that are comfortable to wear for working out at Curves, and they’re not perfect. They’ve gotten a little bigger and that’s not good since I bought them at a garage sale by mistake—they’re maternity shorts (no insert). So, I have this annoying and extremely unattractive pooch in the front.

So, I went to my favorite little shop: Goodwill. They had no shorts for me. I did however find a couple pairs of jeans. Allow me a brief digression: I went shopping on Sunday in my closet and dresser and found that I could get into a pair of size 16 jeans and also into my size 14/16 pants! That felt quite good. Well, I was feeling a bit brave so I tried on 16’s at Goodwill. Keep in mind: Goodwill is generally used clothing, used jeans mean washed jeans, mean smaller—typically: THEY FIT!!!!!!! I quit being sad about not finding shorts. My mood went soaring!!!

Today I walked 27,198 steps, 4933 aerobic steps, 977 calories, and 9.44 miles. I’m sort of exhausted when I think about it.

It’s been so hot here that they’ve issued a heat advisory. To address that and take care of our employees, the management of the factory where I work decided to offer us the option of working 5-1:30. Everyone accepted the offer—except the crew I supervise. That will probably work out okay, since they’re packing parts faster than we can make them right now. They’ll come in at 7.

No word back on my letter.

Nelson is up to 8 minutes on the treadmill at a speed of 1.2 miles per hour.

I think I’m going to go to bed. Exhaustion is definitely setting in.

Deep Breath

I had to take a lot of deep breaths today. It helped a little. I just couldn’t believe it. And yet I should have absolutely not been surprised.

Right before lunch we were running out of parts to package. I knew that the production line had a basket about 2/3 full that would be ready. I knew that the plant’s production manager (my boss) had put a rush on the work so that my crew would have work to keep them busy. I told the crew (twice) that we were going to work until the parts were done. It was 10:50 so I told them to head to lunch and the basket would be there when they got back.

I was detained 5 minutes by a phone call and when I arrived in our work area the crew had signed out. They had decided that they didn’t want to finish the work and not have anything to do tomorrow so they left. Well, I used my anger energy to move my feet to my office and called the director of T-Net and let him know what had happened. Fortunately, I reached him before they did. He chewed them out and two of the crew came back. One of them said she didn’t want to work. The other knew he was wading in deep doo-doo so he tried schmoozing and blowing smoke. I sent them home. There is no work until Friday.

After they left I talked to the director again. I told him they came out. I told him I sent them home. He told me they told him that I never told them to work until the parts were gone. Friday morning we’re going to have a meeting where they can call me a liar to my face.

I’m a rehearser. I practice anticipated conversations. I’ve done this since I was a child. Some attribute this to being raised in an alcoholic family and my need to be prepared for anything that came my way. After about 20 rehearsings and rehashings, I just had to tell myself to stop! I was alone in my work area and I just started talking/praying out loud.

“God, I don’t want to do this any more. It doesn’t help me to feel better to keep going over this. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t know why I expected anything other than what I got. These folks are in this position because this very kind of behavior, this very lack of work ethic. I don’t need to think about this. Help me to move on, to do my work, to keep only positive and helpful thoughts. Thank you.”

It was a good prayer. I had to pray it (sort of again) after I got home and Nelson asked how my day went. I was able to regain my peace about it.

I’m still going to Curves. Nelson is still working hard at therapy. Beth took Asher to Sears to get pictures taken. It’s hot here. I had thought about mowing but took a shower instead. The grass will be there tomorrow.

Speaking of Curves…I bought a pedometer. I used it yesterday and was pretty impressed with how I did—then it reset itself, because I hadn’t set it right. Grrrrr. Today it worked right. As of right now, 12241 steps, 409calories, 4.25 miles. I feel good about that. I know that it’s keeping me moving at work. I take the longer path to reach where I’m going. And I am feeling good about it. And that’s what really matters.

Oh, and I sent the letter—after I made the corrections. Guess we will really see what we see.

Adjunct

Yesterday was such a nice day. It cooled down so much that we put the screen in the front window, turned off the AC and open wide the front door. It rained off and on most of the day. At one point it was such a gentle rain. I felt completely relaxed.

I remember a conversation I had in therapy way back when we lived in Kansas City. My therapist suggested that in my life I needed that kind long soaking rain spiritually and emotionally. He was right then---and it’s true now as well.

A phrase that rumbles around in my brain now and then comes from Phinneas Brezee (leader in the Church of the Nazarene back in the late 1800’s): I want to be under the spout where the glory comes out. And I just want to soak and soak and soak.

There was an advertisement in our local paper yesterday and larger town’s Sunday paper today for adjunct professors for our local university. I want to teach. Sometimes I want to so bad that my heart literally aches. But the fear I have is stronger even still. I remember how devastated I felt after doing all that prep work for the courses I had been hired to teach before being character assassinated by some “well-meaning” citizen.

So here’s what I did. The newly elected president of the university is a member of our Sunday school class. I wrote him a letter. I wanted to know if there was any chance whatsoever of my getting hired to teach as an adjunct professor. Here’s the letter: (The first paragraph refers to the Sunday school class this morning where Dr. F and some other people shared about the ministry of the Brethren Church in India. The comment about sewing machines refers to the Sewing School that empowers Indian women by teaching them a trade and then providing them with a sewing machine—through the gifts of others.)

July 23, 2006

Dear Dr. F,
First, I just want to let you know that Nelson and I really enjoyed and were challenged by your presentation in Sunday school. We’ve even discussed giving a sewing machine for Christmas. Nelson also commented that if we passed the envelope more than once a month we could sponsor more than one pastor, too. I think we’ve caught the vision.

The main reason for my writing is to check with you about the advertisement I saw in both the Atown and Mfield papers regarding the university’s need for adjunct professors. This is a position that I am extremely interested in, but one that I fear may beyond my reach.

A couple years ago, before we moved to Atown, a woman who is a trustee at Urbana University, who knows me very well, recommended me to the Chair of the Humanities department to teach a couple courses (Personal Philosophy and Christian History). I put a LOT of work into preparation for these courses and was quite excited. I taught the first night of the philosophy course and the next day was in the process of preparing for the first class of the history course when the dean called. It seems that someone called him and completely embellished the truth, and painted a horrible picture of me both as a person, and as a criminal. I was immediately fired and completely devastated. It wasn’t until almost six months later that the trusted friend (and trustee) learned what had happened and informed me. By then, there was nothing that could be done.

In April 2003 I worked with Dr. R, director of the counseling program, to present my “story” to the ethics course of the counseling program at the seminary. Briefly, in 2001 I turned myself in and was convicted of the crime of sexually battery. I served time in jail and am about to complete my time under the equivalent of probation.

Over a year ago now, I had a conversation with Mr. R (company owner). He offered, that if I hung at the factory position for a year, he would use his influence to help get me a position teaching with the university. I was deeply touched, but never pushed or pursued that based on my earlier experience. I know that I’m qualified. I have three Master’s degrees, two from ATS (MA in New Testament and Pastoral Counseling) and an M.Div from the Nazarene Seminary. But I know that no matter what I know or how well I might do, I might be disqualified by my actions. So I am writing to see what the university’s position is and what my chances might be.
I understand you are extremely busy and I deeply appreciate your taking a few minutes to address this matter for me. Continued blessings on your ministry through the university.

Sincerely,
daisymarie

I guess we'll see what we see.

Thank-fully Stuff

I am feeling good.
I joined Curves this week, on Wednesday, and have worked out twice. I like it. I like it, a lot! And it’s going to do something really good for me. I have struggled with being famished when I get home from work. I have started with a snack and ended up eating almost an extra meal. This has stymied my weight loss progress. The two times I’ve worked out I worked out after work and I am in no ways hungry when I get done! It’s wonderful.

Today, after working out, I treated myself to a yummy salad at Friendly’s. I thought it was my night to provide a meal for a lady in our Sunday School class who recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and had mastectomy of the left breast and this week learned that she’ll have to have the right breast removed in August. When I called to suggest going out to dinner, she informed me that someone else already provided her dinner. Huh? I had my mouth all set for a yummy salad out somewhere.

When I got home, Nelson suggested I still go out. So I did. I took a book with me. Ordered a carafe of coffee. Ate my salad. Drank my coffee. Read my book. And enjoyed a Happy Ending Sundae. I love those Sundaes because they’re small enough that I don’t feel like I’m being bad, but so lulicious that I am completely satisfied! Only problem was, it cost too much. The meal was good. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t worth what I paid. I could have eaten at a really nice restaurant for less. Sigh. I need to remember it’s just not worth it the next time I get a hankering for a sundae.

I’ve really been working on my attitude at work. I was finding myself grumbling about all kinds of things. It wasn’t the kind of grumbling you do TO someone else, rather it was the kind you do under your breath ABOUT someone. Typically, it had to do with ignorance or laziness—two things that I’m too easily irked about at work.

Each time I find myself headed down that road, I remind myself that no one can steal my joy and contentment unless I leave the door open and invite them in. People are just going to be people, and that means they’re going to be ignorant and lazy. I don’t have to carry that. I’ve maintained an attitude of “let it go.” And it turned out to be a better week for me. That’s good, because it was a little longer of a week, going in to start work at 5am on Thursday and Friday. Yeah, for overtime!

I must confess though, that I had to shake my head a few times. First, on Thursday, a couple of the guys were having a loud conversation and throughout it they were dropping the “F” bomb. I went over to them and very nicely, and with a large dose of humor asked them how they would feel if Mr. R (company owner) would back there with some guests? They decided it wasn’t appropriate. So, I suggested they stretch their vocabulary and use some different adjectives. The one guy looked at me and as seriously as a heart attack said, “I’m not being negative—that’s as positive as I get.” He thought that “adjectives” was related to his “attitude.” I had to explain the difference.

Today, the crew finished packaging an order, and instead of moving to the next order (and possibly not completing it) they chose to go home at 2:30 (more like 2:15). I used the time to commandeer a tow motor and put away some packaging materials that had come earlier in the day. As I re-entered the packaging area I realized that whoever plugged in the hand operated pull behind (Big Joe) had it blocking my path. Big Joe gets plugged into a battery charger every night. Now, do this one must join the plug from the battery to the plug from Big Joe. That’s not how I found it. Whoever plugged Big Joe in plugged the battery directly into him—this is a sure ticket for frying the circuits. I’ll have to address this on Monday. Nelson bets that “no one” plugged Big Joe in. He’s probably right.

Sigh. Some days it’s really hard to stave off the frustration. Then I remember it’s Friday and I am abundantly thank-full for the weekend. And that very thought makes me smile. Having spent 20 years in ministry, I never really understood why people “lived” for the weekend. I didn’t really have a weekend. I worked everyday—and extra on Sunday. Now—I get it! And now, I treasure that down time—I’m actually quite jealous for it.

So, enjoy your weekend. Stay cool. We’re supposed to be a couple degrees cooler so I guess I’ll mow. Yehaw!

Oh wait—I almost forgot. Nelson had an appointment with his doctor this morning. He was released to walk again—just don’t pull out the stiches! So he actually walked on a treadmill at physical therapy!!! He had a major improvement in the range of motion in the ankle. This is wonderfully wonderful!

Sweeties Weekend

Saturday was a wonderful mema sort of day. Ann and Travis were going to a Cincinnati Reds baseball game (about 2.5 hours from their home). They were going with a bunch of people from one of Travis’ ball teams. They were also going to make a day of it in Cincinnati (the game didn’t start until 6:00pm). Ann asked if I would watch the kids.

(Just an aside…isn’t it interesting. I live 2.5 hours away. Travis’ parents live 8 miles from the kids. I was the one who was asked. They are nice people, just not the all day babysitting kind.)

I said of course I would.

So, I got up as early as I would on a regular work day, drove across the state, and got to spend the day with my two grandsweeties.

Now, I think I’m beginning to understand why we have children when we’re young! Penelope is 2.5yrs old and Caden is 8mo. For some reason, neither of them decided that they needed to take a nap. Fortunately, Caden went to bed at 8:30 and Penelope at 9:00 and Mema at 10!

Penelope and I have a wonderful connection. I’m one of her favorite toys. Caden is a completely different story. I don’t know him. We did better yesterday, but I don’t know how to read him like I do Penelope or Asher. I may need a few more Saturdays to feel comfortable and competent with that little guy.

Yesterday was also an anniversary for Nelson and I. Those of you have been with me a while know that Nelson and I celebrate 3 anniversaries a year: our first date, our engagement, and our wedding. I am quite blessed to have a man who remembers them all and uses each opportunity to do something quite special for me or us as a couple. I wasn’t sure with everything that happened this week if he would have time to do anything or even get a card. I was wrong.

As I was leaving yesterday, Nelson pointed out that a card had been delivered for me. It was one of those really heart warming, romantic Hallmark cards and tucked in the envelop was also a plastic card—for Barnes and Nobles!!!!!!! What a good man I have! Now I just need to find some time to run down to the next town to the south and browse, shop, and maybe even enjoy a decadent cup of extremely overpriced coffee. Mmmmmmmm!

This morning I got up at 4:30am and drove home so that I could be at church in time for worship team practice at 7:30am. I made it with time to spare. And I wasn’t exceeding the speed limit either. One of the neatest things about the trip was to be driving home right into a gorgeous sunrise. The colors were so amazing. I counted it as a precious gift and enjoyed it for miles and miles and miles.

Our afternoon has been spent watching Asher—no really watching him. He’s learned to sit up on his own. He was also watching the NASCAR race with us. It was so funny to watch him sitting in front of the TV yelling at the cars as they flew by on the screen. I’m actually about laughed out.

I was going to mow the yard, but the heat index is still over 100degrees and it’s nearly 7:00pm. Nelson and I decided that the grass would still be there tomorrow. Wisdom says it’s really ok to put off till tomorrow what I might be able to do today.

I think I’m going to find something soothing to drink and cuddle up in bed and hopefully fall asleep early. Sweet dreams.

Face of Grace

We saw the face of Grace on Tuesday. One of Nelson’s biggest concerns as he faced his surgery was the starting of the IV. Now, for most people that might not be a big deal, but for Nelson it is a very painful process—typically that is.

We had been hanging out in the surgery waiting area and had already been notified that the surgeon was running about a half hour late. Finally, a green scrub garbed woman entered our curtain area. She greeted Nelson and informed us that she would be starting his IV. I was amazed how well we were able to quash our unified groan.

Quickly, our green garbed angel, who identified herself as Grace, set about the task of locating a vein and gathering her supplies. I wanted to shake my head as she began to work on a vein in Nelson’s right hand. This was never going to work. I bit my lip, struggling with protecting my husband from unnecessary rooting and assuming that I could tell this woman how to do her job.

What happened next amazed us: she loosened the rubber strap and pronounced that she was done. What? One stick and success?

Nelson was the first to speak: “Honey, write down her name. Any time we have to come back, the only woman who can come near me with a needle is Grace. I stopped short of leaping from my chair and hugging sweet Grace. I did thank her profusely. I was deeply appreciative and thankful for her skill and finesse.

Many things happened that day to reassure me that are prayers had been answered. God gave us Grace to bring comfort to my heart and remind me that He was—and is in control.

Surgery Day

At the hospital:
Okay, this is too weird. I brought the computer along today to do some writing while Nelson was having his surgery. As the computer was coming up it told me that it was recognizing internet connections and did I want to connect. So I did! This is so cool. I thought I'd be off-line until I got home whenever that would be...and now I'm posting and entry. Sometimes technology is cool, even when I don't understand it.Nelson is having some of the wires removed from his ankle as they appear to be pressing against his tendon and inhibiting his ability to bend his toes--along with causing him constant pain in his big toe. This was supposed to be out-patient surgery at the office, but here we are at Akron General again--almost a year exactly from his last surgery.Well, I'm going to play some scrabble--while I can. I'll update later at home.

Well, we’re home. The surgery took less than an hour and he was in recovery even less time before they contacted me to come and get him because he was ready to go. Wow!

The doctor left orders that Nelson is to be non-weight bearing for a week. That’s going to be hard. Good thing we still have the walker. It was a little tricky to get in the house but he managed to hop his way in. The problem is that he can’t get upstairs and will have to sleep in the living room. I’m thinking of going to our local furniture store and get him a recliner. It would give him something comfortable to sit in but also sleep in till he can get back to bed.
I spoke with the doctor over the phone in surgery waiting after the surgery. He said he was able to remove the wires, but made some comment that left me feeling/thinking that he wasn’t sure how much mobility Nelson was actually going to get back after this. Time will tell.

Well, I’m off to the furniture store. Be back later.

Ok. I'm back from the furniture store. Well, make that 2 furniture stores. I went into the one where we bought our washer and dryer in April. It's the bigger of the 2. The prices were high and no one talked to me until I decided to leave. Their loss. I went two blocks down the street and found better prices and someone greeted me right when I walked in. I found a terracotta colored, microsuede fabric rocker recliner within the range I could pay. It's a Berkline. When you recline it...it's sooooooo smooth!!!! Like butter. I'm so pleased. It'll be a good chair for Nelson: day and night.

So it's been a good day. Nice surprises. I'm very thankful...and a little bit tired. Bedtime will be early tonight!

P2

Isn't she adorable!!! (One of these days I'll figure out how to put text with pics...sigh) Anyway, her name is P2. We had a much loved calico many years ago who ran away from home. She's having great fun exploring!!! She's quite soft and gives little kisses. I'm already in love!

Look Who's New At My House

Here's the pic

New Sweetie Pic

This was taken on Father's Day after Caden's dedication. We couldn't believe that the girls dressed the boys in the same outfit! I love the sweeties!!!

Reflections and Rejoicing

So, I’ve been trying to listen more. Here’s some of what I’ve thought and some of what I’ve heard.

I started working on a new machine…new to me that is. It’s a Telesis pinstamp which I use to put a date stamp on some relatively heavy parts and then I load them on the line. Anyway, I noticed that the rhythm felt familiar. Then I found myself trying to put words to it. The words that came to mind were from the old hymn: It Is Well With My Soul. The phrase was: sorrows like sea billows roll. The next phrase in the song is: whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul. I kept singing it over and over and over…and I felt much calmer this week.

Sometimes I get the funniest thoughts while I’m working and thinking. It occurred to me there in my moments of solitude that I was a little like Superman. You know, he was Clark Kent until he was “needed.” Remember Clark, the mild mannered reporter by day, and superhero when “needed.” I’m a mild mannered materials handler by day and spot on Bible teacher when “needed.” I just wish I was needed more.

One of the descriptions in the Nurturing Silence book for a “noisy heart” is a heart that is struggling with relationship issues. The between people problems that we face can raise the noise levels in our heart. Oates quotes one guy who said he cared too much for his blood to stay in a working relationship that left him with growing anger and discomfort. It reminded me a lot of how I was feeling when I was working in that other area for that guy who had no people skills and even less ability to manage and organize the department. As I read the description I just felt so much better and healthier for having gotten myself out of that situation.

I also noticed something the other day when I was working with the packaging group. They were listening to a really hard rock radio station. I was thankful that I was far enough away that I really didn’t have to be saturated with the noise and negativity. After a bit, I noticed that the station had faded out and all that they were listening to was static. It was like ten minutes before anyone moved to tune the station back in. It seemed like any noise was better than quiet. That so is not the case for me!

On the home front: Something really neat came out of Nelson’s first therapy session on Wednesday. In April at Nelson’s last appointment he got on the scales to check his weight. He weighed so much that it wouldn’t even register. The therapist guestimated that his weight was probably around 375-380 lbs. When he got on the scales on Wednesday, he weighed 339!!! It did so much for his spirit to realize that his hard work has been paying off. And it’s going to just keep coming off. His therapy is at 30min a session this week, next week he’s off, and then he jumps to 45 min 3x a week, and then 60 min! I better get on the stick or he’s going to just outdo me to pieces!!

I had jotted down some other thoughts, but left the paper on my desk at work…fodder for another entry!

Nurturing Silence

Sunday school went well. I was rushing just a bit to get the last 7 rules (we did the first 3 last week) done today. It was also a bit unnerving to have the teacher (a PhD professor from the seminary) that I was filling in for show up for the class. And on top of that both my supervisor and the company owner were in class this week. Then throw in this cough that just doesn’t want to quit---and I’m thankful it went so well.

At one point in the discussion I shared something that I had shared with one of the folks whose journal I read. She has been facing some really tough stuff from her mother’s cancer and other illnesses, her son’s depression, her husband’s struggle with losing his job. She described it as feeling like each issue was crack from an iron skillet in the hand of God. Now, I’m not one to preach in my notes. I shy away from criticism and try to only make positive comments. But I really took a risk to let her know that I didn’t think it was God bonking her with that skillet, but the enemy of her heart and soul. What she needs to see—what we all need to see and experience is that God wants to envelop us in his love and grace. When we face the tough times, God’s deepest desire is for us to experience his presence as the God of all comfort and consolation. I told the class that if they felt like they were being bonked it wasn’t God because God doesn’t even own a skillet—in fact there isn’t even a kitchen in heaven! The point was well taken.

I snuck away for a little time yesterday to take in some quiet. I went to my room, sat in my corner chair, and picked up my copy of “Nurturing Silence in a Noisy Heart” (by Wayne Oates). Oates speaks early to our need to listen more and speak less. This has always been an area of struggle for me. When I get nervous I talk. When I feel the need to negotiate peace (step into my peacemaker role) I talk. When I feel like the party is lagging and dragging I talk. When I have an opinion, an anecdote, or something that will help clarify the discussion I talk. I struggled to listen as a therapist.

Oates points out that Jesus suggests a type of praying that is not “known for it’s ‘much speaking.’ He taught simplicity of utterance. Your “yes is to be “yes and your “no” is to be “no.” Silence is a discipline of choosing what to say and to what to listen. …What you do say…will have a hundred times more influence. If you limit, change, or expand the objects of your attention (your listening), you can become the kind of person you want to be, change the kinds of directions in which you want to go.

I’m going to be reflecting on what I’m reading in my next posts along with seeing how it fits into life. Should make for some interesting writing.

Lighter Than Air

Monday was the only day this week we worked 10 hours. Tuesday, however, we worked 12. Wednesday was normal. And yesterday was weird. We didn’t get much produced, but it was due to trouble with the machines. Today will be quick, we have extra time at lunch for a cookout and I’m in packaging all day. I have a hugely important inventory to get done for one of our biggest contract companies—I’ll just have to squeeze that in, too.

Wednesday afternoon, my supervisor was helping me since the hubs I was working with were needing to be scrubbed before they were studded. At one point he looked at me and said he saw butterscotch bits in his future. I smiled because I knew exactly where he was heading with the comment. He then went on to say that we were having our cookout today and I’d be more than welcome to bring my haystack dessert (melted butterscotch chips with chow mein noodles stirred in dropped by a spoon to make little haystack looking cookies). So I had Beth pick me up my two ingredients and I was up at 4am this morning making them.

I was up so early because I was in bed before 9:00 last night. I have been battling a cold since last week. It got “I’m almost ready to make a doctor’s appointment” bad about Tuesday. Tuesday night I could barely sleep. Wednesday was even worse. I was up at 3:30 trying to cough up a lung. Last night was a little better, thankfully.

I woke up at about 3:00 this morning, coughing. So I popped a Halls Fruit Breezer into my mouth. I switched to these since I was using so many. It was still in my mouth when I got up and decided to make the haystacks. Eureka! I think I found the next best appetite suppressant. I ALWAYS lick out the pan when I make haystacks. There’s no sense in letting even a little butterscotch go to waste. This morning I didn’t even lick my fingers when I was done. I washed the pan immediately upon scooping out the last of the scotchy covered noodles and then just stood there amazed. I think I’m going to buy stock.

This weekend is our community’s annual balloon fest. Ann, Travis and the kids are coming over. Nelson is really excited. Last year he could only listen to the balloons flying over since he had just had his first surgery and wasn’t getting out of bed, let alone going anywhere. They’re offering tethered balloon rides—I wish he could get one. For his 50th birthday I’m going to try and get him a real ride in one. I will stand on the ground and wave—not going to see this girl up in a hot air balloon!

Wednesday morning held one more wonderful surprise for me. When I go on the scales I had lost 25lbs! That put me back in Onederland. Oh the absolute joy of seeing a 1 at the beginning of my weight was…well, I felt…words can barely describe the elation!!! That have motivated my non-licking ways this morning, too. So, since the first of the year I’ve lost 28lbs and since I started Nutrisystem 2/16 I’ve lost 25lbs. It’s coming off very slowly and that’s way okay, because I am really changing the way I eat and it’s really becoming more of a way of life. And it feels good!

Well, I guess I should push away from this now and get my meals packed for the day and head myself off to work. Have a light-hearted silly-smile-on-your-face kind of day!

Parts and Teeth

I haven’t written much late…about life that is. This week I wrote a small group study related to the text for Pastor’s sermon on Sunday. I also prepared Sunday school lessons for this week and next. I’m really quite excited about the opportunity I have to teach for two weeks.

Nelson had his appointment on Friday with the ankle doctor and the Rehab/Vocational caseworker. It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since the accident. At this visit he talked to the doctor about some restricted movement in his toes. The doc did an x-ray and some of the wires that were put in there last July are pushing against his tendon---so we’re looking at another surgery and soon (as soon as BWC approves it). The good news is that the Rehab/Vocational worker was there and things are definitely going to move ahead. She assured him that she would now be at all his appointments and make sure that things keep moving. He’s even going to get a raise!!!

Asher got his first tooth!!! He had a really rough day on Wednesday---fussy to the nth degree. And voila! There it was and the really cool thing was that Beth was the one who found it. Beth just came home---Asher has his second tooth, now!

On a personal note…I just don’t know. I get up. I work. I go home physically exhausted. I play with the baby, rock him to sleep. And I go to bed. Then I start all over the next day. I feel as emotionally exhausted as I am physically exhausted.

We were packaging this week. It was rough at first. I was tentative. The peacemaker/people pleaser came out in full force. It was unnerving. The thing that really made it hard was a major misunderstanding that I had with D. She was fighting hurt feelings at feeling replaced. I gave her some space and she took that all wrong. We finally talked it out on Thursday. She understands that we’re a team. There are strengths that we both bring to this position. I will lead at some times and then she’ll have her turn.

There were some things that then happened that helped me lose that tentative feeling. I was able to fix a few problems and answer some questions. We’ve been approved to manufacture a new part and there are orders in excess of 14K for July and August. I researched the situation and realized that we didn’t have a box to package it in on the one hand, or that we would be packaging it in a box that is like pulling teeth to get enough of. I become pro-active and made some calls to start the process to ensure that we would have enough boxes. It felt really good.

Wednesday through today I was back on line. D and I worked out a really good system for gaging and packing the parts. The guys we have worked with at the end look at the “positions” and work one position at a time. D and I anticipate each other’s moves and work in concert with each other completing the entire process as one movement. The whole end is our responsibility, not one position. Consequently, we were able to put out 1191 parts one day and today in only 6 hours we put out 827. Our numbers were good, but better than that was the feeling of accomplishment.

Sunday morning:
This morning I taught our Sunday school class. I used the book “The Red Sea Rules 10 God Given Strategies for Difficult Times.” We got through the first 3 and addressed the next. I got some really positive feedback and encouragement. One lady told me that she finally felt like someone understood her. Another said that she wished I taught her Bible study. And yet another just cornered me with some questions that she didn’t feel comfortable asking in front of the larger class. I was so hyped when it was over. I’m excited beyond words to have the chance to teach again next Sunday!

This week is crunch time at work. We have several large orders due for July 10 so we’ll be going in at 5am until further notice. Ten hour days! It’s going to be a financial blessing—I’ll keep reminding myself of that when my arms feel like they’re going to fall off and my legs are all bruised up. It’s all good.

Well, it’s time to feed the baby. Until later.

Flying Week

Thursday:
Well, my nail on my right ring finger is a unique peachy color with a few dark violet streaks. People pay big bucks to have nail art…and all I had to do was be clumsy!

We’re still eating well too. I mowed the yard after things cooled down this evening and when I turned off the mower Nelson came out to the porch with a homemade fruit smoothie. It was beyond luscious!!

Nelson finally has an appointment scheduled for his work rehab/vocational rehab evaluation. This new worker is really on the ball. She scheduled the appointment for the 23rd at the doctor’s office when Nelson has his next appointment so she can access all the doctor’s report and the doctor if she needs to. And now that Nelson has transportation (he’ll drive the Kia and I’ll be driving the truck—Chevy S10) he’ll be able to go to their training.

Update on Rhonda: she came home today. She was thankful to be home and get some rest. She said that last night at 1am the nurse came in to get her vitals and then got upset that there wasn’t a “trash” bag hanging on her bed so she went through all kinds of noise and complaining—seems crazy to me.

And work for me…I’m back supervising packaging. That is when there’s stuff to package. There are several new contracts so I’ll probably be quite busy. The group was doing some very easy packaging so I was working on the hub line and keeping an ear and eye on the packing group. That was a bit of a challenge.

Friday:
I worked packaging all day. My time was split between making cartons and solving problems. I caught an error and was able to smooth things out—it felt really good.

After work I drove up to Rhonda’s with Asher. We spent the night and all day with Rhonda. She was quite happy to have us there on Saturday, as was Steve, so that she didn’t have to be in the house alone while Steve was out mowing their HUGE property. It was such a nice day to just hang out together. She’s doing so well too. She made breakfast and lunch. She rocked Asher to sleep in the afternoon—that was good therapy!

Sunday:
Today Nelson, Beth, Asher and I went to Ann’s. Ann and Travis invited us over for Caden’s dedication at church and then we stayed for lunch (which I brought and made). It was a wonderful afternoon playing with the grandbabies! We left shortly after Annie got home.

I finished a really enjoyable fiction series. It’s written by a Christian author, so it has a definite bent. It’s called “The O’Malley” series. Each of the six books is about one of the seven siblings in a family. They’re mystery, romance, suspense in nature. I really enjoyed the author’s style: it kept me reading and looking forward to the next volume. And now I’m done and I’ll confess: I want more! The surprising thing to me is how much I’ve enjoyed reading fiction. I had gotten so far away from it when I was a student or pastor/counselor and only read things related to work. There just wasn’t time to read for pleasure. It’s been a nice change of pace.

And now it’s time for bed. Time flies. It just flies.

Update

I talked with Steve. Rhonda has recovered about 90%. She had an MRI and MRA this morning. Tomorrow she's having a TE (don't know what it stands for...come to think of it, I don't know what an MRA is either) to check for a whole in or on her heart. She was born with a heart defect and had open heart surgery as a young child. She had this all checked out last year at the Cleveland Clinic--and they gave her a clean bill. They had her up and walking today, too.

I forgot to let you know about our best buy at a garage sale yesterday. We went to a garage sale and bought a van. It's a 97 Voyager with power everything. We paid $900 for it. We bought it for Beth since she's had a pick up and it's not the best thing for carting around a baby. Her beau has had it this afternoon giving it a tune up and checking it out (he has training from the career center in auto mechanics). He's had to add a few things and found a whole in one of the hoses, but it still seems to have been a good buy!

My fingers are still a little numb, but I think I'll be okay for work tomorrow. They hurt a little this morning when I played my guitar for worship team.

Eating victory! Nelson and I went out to luch with his former boss' family and some other friends. They picked a nearby Steak and Buffet (Golden Corral). Nelson has always had a really big problem with control at a buffet--especially this one! Well, my sweetheart ate healthy and extremely disciplined. In the past he ate and ate so that he would be sure to "get his money's worth." Today, he ate a tiny fraction of what he used to--and so did I!

Well, I think I'm going to read for a while. TTFN

Stroke

My best friend had a stroke today. I’ve mentioned her, Rhonda. We’ve been friends since college. We roomed together there and together at Cedar Point. She was married to my brother and had my niece and nephew before they were divorced. I’ve been so thankful that in the last couple years we’ve really had the opportunity to reconnect and deepen our friendship.

I got the call this afternoon from one of her friends where she lives, about an hour from me. She had the stroke this morning around 8:30am and was aphasic until after 12:30. They gave her some medication that really helped. I drove to the hospital and spent from 5:45 until 8:15. I was surprised that the ICU nurses let me stay that long, but really quite happy about it, too.

When I walked into her room, we met eyes and both started to cry. She looked the nurse and told her that I was her very best friend in the world. Of course, needing to better that, told the nurse that Rhonda was/is my very best friend in the universe.

We talked about so many things, from college and Cedar Point and lots of things that made us laugh and cry. The thing that broke my heart was when she looked at me and told me that she wasn’t ready to die. We talked about how hard it was to pray right now.

I left when the friend who had called me came back to the hospital.

Then I drove home. I thought the drive to the hospital was tough, but it was nothing compared to driving home. An hour is a long time when there’s a ton of stuff racing through your mind. I kept thinking of people I wanted to contact and make sure that they knew that I loved them. Life is fragile. It is fleeting.

I remember hearing that John Wesley (the man attributed with the founding of the Methodist Church) was asked if he would live any differently if he knew that he only had 24 hours to live. He responded by telling the questioner he would change nothing. And I wondered about what I would change. Would I take the day off? Who would I call? Who would I spend those hours with? What would I be sure to eat? (You had to know there would be food involved!)

When I got home, Nelson was quick to ask me how I was doing. I told him better than Steve (Rhonda’s husband). His first wife died of a heart attack (from an undiagnosed heart condition). His present wife had a stroke. He was a basket case. I thought long about how I would if it had been Nelson.

I just have this urge to hug everyone I love. I thought of several people I’ve lost touch with and how I want to reconnect with them. Good thing I have free long distance minutes.

Easy LIke Saturday Morning

It’s Saturday morning and I am sitting in the beauty and quiet of my living room. I not only survived my excursion into insane babysitting…I did pretty well. Of course it helped that all three of the darlings took a nice long nap at the same time!

A couple months ago, while on one of my shopping sprees at my favorite shop (aka Goodwill) I found a Little Tikes car for Pnel to tool around in while she was here. It was way cool, with a sun roof, doors that opened and closed, and a woody panel down the side. And I only paid $4 for it! I pulled it of the garage for her and she was in toy heaven during the visit. I sat out with her on Wednesday evening and she had a ball. The biggest trouble we had was getting her to come in at bedtime.

Thursday night after they left I had called Beth out to the garage so she could smell the honeysuckle—it’s breathtakingly wonderful! I was also putting Pnels’ car away when I got distracted and caught my fingers in the door. I didn’t break the skin, and fortunately it doesn’t look like I’ll have nasty black and blue blood blisters. My middle finger and ring finger are still a bit numb (makes typing feel kinda funny). Yesterday at work I had to do a job where I could avoid putting pressure on those two fingers.

Nelson has been making some great strides. He cooked dinner all week. It was sooooooo nice! He’s such a good and creative cook. Yesterday after I got home from work he drove to the nearby town and did some more grocery shopping—by himself! I’m very proud of him. Oh, and this week he did something really major. When we lived in Kansas City (87-91), Nelson had a baseball card shop. Over the years he’s been selling it off. A major portion of it went in the bankruptcy auction. Anyway, this week, he sold another sizeable portion, including a chunk of what he had been keeping as his personal collection. It was a sacrifice, but he made it. He’s just an amazing man.

This morning we’re going garage saling. We used to do this a lot. Nelson loves to get a bargain. We’ll probably buy lots for the little ones—that’s the fun part of being a grandparent.

Easy LIke Saturday Morning

It’s Saturday morning and I am sitting in the beauty and quiet of my living room. I not only survived my excursion into insane babysitting…I did pretty well. Of course it helped that all three of the darlings took a nice long nap at the same time!

A couple months ago, while on one of my shopping sprees at my favorite shop (aka Goodwill) I found a Little Tikes car for Pnel to tool around in while she was here. It was way cool, with a sun roof, doors that opened and closed, and a woody panel down the side. And I only paid $4 for it! I pulled it of the garage for her and she was in toy heaven during the visit. I sat out with her on Wednesday evening and she had a ball. The biggest trouble we had was getting her to come in at bedtime.

Thursday night after they left I had called Beth out to the garage so she could smell the honeysuckle—it’s breathtakingly wonderful! I was also putting Pnels’ car away when I got distracted and caught my fingers in the door. I didn’t break the skin, and fortunately it doesn’t look like I’ll have nasty black and blue blood blisters. My middle finger and ring finger are still a bit numb (makes typing feel kinda funny). Yesterday at work I had to do a job where I could avoid putting pressure on those two fingers.

Nelson has been making some great strides. He cooked dinner all week. It was sooooooo nice! He’s such a good and creative cook. Yesterday after I got home from work he drove to the nearby town and did some more grocery shopping—by himself! I’m very proud of him. Oh, and this week he did something really major. When we lived in Kansas City (87-91), Nelson had a baseball card shop. Over the years he’s been selling it off. A major portion of it went in the bankruptcy auction. Anyway, this week, he sold another sizeable portion, including a chunk of what he had been keeping as his personal collection. It was a sacrifice, but he made it. He’s just an amazing man.

This morning we’re going garage saling. We used to do this a lot. Nelson loves to get a bargain. We’ll probably buy lots for the little ones—that’s the fun part of being a grandparent.

A Thank-full Update

After several marathon phone sessions, it appears that Nelson has had his BWC benefits reinstated—at least until July 2. He has some issues to take up with the doctor. It appears that the doctor misrepresented some things in his correspondence with BWC.

I’m back at work. I was afraid that I was going to be sore to the nth degree after being off a week, but so far it’s bearable. We may get to work Saturday, too and that will be a blessing.

I’m so proud of my daughter. (The younger in this case…I’m really quite proud of the both…but I digress) When things were looking tight, and downright bleak financially, Nelson told her that he may need help paying a couple of household bills and she came up with cash to cover the electric and water just like that (snaps fingers) and never even complained. I think she’s actually appreciating living with us. It’s so cool to see them grow up and become responsible. I love watching her with Asher.

And while we’re on the topic of daughters…Annie will be here today with Pnel and Caden. They’re going to be here until tomorrow evening. Nelson suggested I watch all three of the sweeties so he and Annie could have some quality time. I think I may be able to handle that…wonder if I can get a nap in at work?

The quality time will involve grocery shopping. Nelson has been adding activity to his daily routine. Monday evening he and I went to the local grocery and we walked around half of the store. It really exhausted him, but he felt really good about it. He’s been cooking and washing dishes, too. I’m quite proud of him.

Nelson also purchased a few books off ebay’s half.com about the glycemic index and eating low and healthy GI foods. He’s been very conscientious about his diet and appears to have lost a few pounds. And he’s keeping me on track too!

Now, I need to scoot. Hubs and bearings are calling my name! TTFN

Back Home

Hi! I made it back last night. It was good to sleep on my pillow!

The Scrabble marathon went 34-29-1: I won! Good thing we ended when we did! I was starting to really fall apart. Nelson said I shouldn't beat up on my mom so badly--I said if she even thought that I was not playing all out she'd bop me good and hard right on the head!

This morning for church I did one of my monologues. This one doesn't have the depth of the Peter monologue, but it allowed me to be playful and I really enjoyed "hamming" it up. This one is about the Pentecost Experience.


(Comes in singing and rejoicing)
I know the Lord is always with me. (hmmmmmm)He is right beside me...No wonder my heart is filled with joy.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must look a sight. I just can't help myself. I was down at the river with the others and...Why? At the baptisms , of course. With Peter and the others.

Who's Peter? Oh my, you're not from around here, are you? Travelers? Just a guess. Surely, if you had been here any length of time you would know. But don't feel bad, I was a stranger here myself not long ago.

Micah and I had come to Jerusalem to trade spices. Micah had made the trip many times. I had wanted to see the city. I had begged so many times to come with him. I'm not sure why he finally agreed, but neither of us regret the decision!

Shortly after we had arrived we heard some of the venders in the market talking about a group of believers who had been meeting together. Many rumors had been spreading about them. They just stayed locked up together in this upper room.

The venders told us they followed a teacher who had been crucified. They said he had healed many. They even told how he fed over 5000 people with a couple bread rolls and sardines. While Micah did his business I listened to the stories and moved closer and closer to the room.

Then right on the day of Pentecost, as the believers were gathered singing and praying, there was a noise like nothing I had ever heard...or felt.

But it was more than noise--it was energy: POWER! Micah came right over to me. We saw the people come from the house. It was like they were on fire. For a brief instant I felt fear but then I heard them speaking...in all different languages--even mine!!

Some around us tried to explain it away by saying they were drunk. That's when Peter stood up. I was so drawn in by what he said.

It all began to make sense. I had heard the stories from when I was young. We had made up songs to keep us remembering. Now, no longer were they the songs of children.

Peter's words pierced my heart as he spoke of the death of Jesus. Can you believe from the beginning of time it was God's plan to save me...and you too! His love is that great.

Peter told us to turn from our sins and be baptized THEN we would recieve the Holy Spirit.

You wouldn't have believed the way the crowd surged towards Peter. We were SO tired of feeling powerless. So many headed to the river.

It took a couple of days for us to finally get the river's edge. While we waited, we listened with the others to the teachings. We made so many new and special friends. And the times of prayer!! I could almost feel God pressing his ear in to hear us while at the same time he wrapped his strong arms around us.

So there we were surrounded by new friends, more like family. When I finally knelt beside Peter in the water I was just a flutter of emotions. He put his hand upon my head. I went under the water. It was like the heaviest, darkest blanket of winter was lifted off me. I felt like I could fly! I let out a squeal and spun around making quite a splash.

It's been about a week. I spend everyday down at the river, mostly telling my story to those who are seeking. It has been amazing the way everyone has pooled their resources. We know we will go back home--there's a bit of sadness to leaving our new friends...new family. It's hard to leave when so much is still happening.
But, Micah is right; there are friends and family back home who need to hear this. So we will go. Go, with new found power and praise, new found hope, and with hearts filled with joy!!!

Waving from AZ!

Well, it's hot...but it's a dry heat.
And it really is green...and the flowers bloomed late this year so I've been enjoying them on my walks.
Mom and I are tied in our Scrabble marathon at 15 games a piece.
I have LOVED walking every morning. This morning I was out hitting the streets at 5:30AM!I've had some really neat revelational thoughts while walking...I'll share them later. They need a little time to germinate!
Take care and I'll catch up more later.

Heading out the door...

I made a list...checked it twice. I'm not taking my computer. Just a tablet to write on. Mom already has the Scrabble board out and waiting for me. I'll be spending the next week in sunny Green Valley, Arizona (a wonderful retirement community about 30 miles south of Tucson.) I will get over to my Aunt and Uncle's sometime during the week to check in and update you. But this is truly just a time of relaxing for me. I plan to walk everyday: morning and night. One day we're going to see "Davinci Code"; one day lunch with Auntie; one day Tubac (google it; it's wonderful!!!); and on Friday I'll go with mom to her doctor's appointment.

As for the appointment: here's the scoop. A couple years ago Mom was in Hawaii and hurt her back while sight seeing. The bus hit a bump and she was jarred. Turns out she fractured a vertebrae because she has osteoporosis. She's been taking one of those super-duper pills, but last week she coughed and fractured another. So, next Friday we're going to see a bone doc. My great-grandmother also had ostoeporosis. I drink a yogart smoothie every day, have a container of yogart and drink at least one glass of milk. I'm going to get a bone density done when I'm 50. And so should you! Lecture done.

So have a great week...I plan to. Happy tiles to you!

Staring at Despair

I wonder if every time Peter faced a test if he questioned whether it was all related back to his failure with Jesus? What do you do with tests of faith, or tests that seem directed right at your character?

I was thinking about that today while I was working. This financial set back feels like a test. Sunday morning at church we knew that we were going to be challenged to consider a Faith Promise commitment to support our missionaries in Mexico. Nelson and I talked about it and felt that we wanted to work more on being consistent with our tithe and offerings. But as we sat in church we both felt led to commit a substantial amount. He filled out the card and I beamed at the spiritual sensitivity and leadership of this wonderful man I married. Then Monday BWC called and stated they were canceling Nelson’s benefits.

So I was wondering: how fast do your tests come at you? To test your resolve? To test your commitment? To test…you?

Mine seem to come fast and furious. And as I was working there on the stud press machine this morning I feel like I stared despair in the face. It seemed so unfair that our desire was to give and in a blink our resources were chopped down. I had too much time in my head. Everything began to look bleak and then black.

So I looked up despair:
To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.
A state in which everything seems wrong and will turn out badly.

That pretty much sums it up. Nothing looks like it’s going to improve for Nelson. Due to this accident he has become morbidly obese limiting even further the limitations of his ability to be mobile. Watching him is literally breaking my heart. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong.

As I stood there putting bolts in hubs, I thought more about Peter and more about the conversation I had that got me dreaming again. My hands hurt, but my heart ached more. I love speaking. I love teaching. God gifted me that way. He used me that way. Then I screwed up. I failed a huge, huge test. And it was taken away. But not all of it. The opportunities have been taken away from me, but the desire has only grown. I just want to scream out: “Put me in, Coach!”

The ache of futility bashed against me in tsunami size waves. I knew that the financial reversals were no greater test than this moment of despair. How was I going to deal with this?

In that moment I was reminded of David’s prayer that God would restore the joy of His salvation. I stood at the crossroad of despair that could lead down the path of Judas—to suicide and the Way of hope that leads to life. I understood in that instant how someone could chose to take path of despair. Hope seemed like a lot of work and a lot of work that right then only seemed to be leading to emptiness.
I let the words roll around in my head. I clung to Paul’s admonition to think on these things (Philippians 4:8). And it became clearer and clearer that the joy David prayed for wasn’t a feeling. He wasn’t asking to be happy. Happiness is too dependent upon circumstances. David was crying out, crying out from his shame and despair to be restored to relationship with God. That relationship is the only thing that can bring joy.

I stared at despair today, but I didn’t stay there. I lifted my eyes and headed my feet down the Way of hope. It’s not an easy road. It won’t always make sense in the moment. But it’s the only way I know to go. And if along the way I’m able to use my gifts and talents to bless others and honor God, then that’s enough. It’s a gift and I will be grateful or it.

Some things still seem wrong. I don’t understand all the pieces. But I know, deep in my being, that I only have a limited view of what’s really going on. I’m going to trust that one, trust it every step of the way. I figure that must be the way Peter faced those tests, too.

The Week in Review

Such a day it’s been. No wait…such a week. I’ve been working on an assembly line where we’re making a part we’ve made before, for a company that we’ve made it for, but it’s a new contract and they’re requiring a 100% check. That has required several more people on the line. The first day we did 613 in 5hrs; the second day we did 866; and on Saturday (yes, overtime) we did 1086. Today in 6.5 hours we did 977 and then to finish the day we switched over to a different part. I’ve got lots of new bruises, but I slowly becoming less sore and achy.

I’m continuing to eat well and I feel good. I got a new pair of walking sneakers. Now, I’ve had good tennis shoes before, but these are specifically made for walking. What a wonderful difference. I decided to take a walk after dinner. I was probably only out for a 30 minutes. No soreness. No blisters. And the best part is that I bought them dirt cheap on ebay!!!

I’ve had the opportunity to begin dreaming again. I want to believe that something has been brewing and that there’s something more than exciting on the horizon. I want to hope. I’ve been contacted by someone who has a vision and I may be a part of that. It’s an opportunity to use my gifts, my talents, my training, and my experience. Hope is so fragile. Dreams are so tenuous. Does it make any sense that I am so afraid?

I leave for my Mom’s on Saturday and will be staying to the following Saturday. That is if I get my travel permit from my PO. She hasn’t been able to get her supervisor to fax it back to her. Hopefully it’ll be ready by Thursday. That’s when I’m supposed to pick it up. These are the days I find so stressful. I purchased a ticket nearly a month ago. And if this supervisor gets a whim that I shouldn’t go then I’m just out the cash. I had hoped so much to be off paper (completed community control) by the next time I went to Mom’s. That isn’t going to happen. I don’t believe that I’ll be getting off early at all so this will continue until at least next February.

And then there’s the continuing saga of Nelson vs. the BWC and Doctor. Today Nelson hit a new low. His worker from BWC called and informed him that since there has been no action on his case all his benefits are going to be terminated. He’s been calling almost daily to try and get this thing resolved, but the doctor isn’t in or doesn’t return his calls and then there’s all the hassles of trying to get a hold of the people at BWC. He’s been through at least four case managers. And now, with no resolution, no disability, no rehab he’s just going to be cut off? He can’t walk—there’s no way he’s going to work. We can’t afford a lawyer. It’s as if someone tied a millstone around his neck. I’ve been sitting here trying to pray and I don’t even know how.

Some week, huh?

Humming!

My neighborhood is humming. I added to the humming after work. It’s humming because the sun is actually shining!!! When I got home I walked in the front door, I emptied my lunch box, immediately changed to my mowing shoes, and walked out the back door to the garage to get the mower. My Mothers’ Day gift worked wonderfully!!! I got the yard mowed in less than a half hour.

While I was mowing there were five other people around me mowing. Since I finished I think three more have mowed their lawns.

Weight Loss Update: I started eating according to the Nutrisystem plan on February 16. Since then I have lost 21 pounds. Since the beginning of this year I have lost 24! I’m feeling good about that. I would have like to be farther down, but losing it slowly generally means it’ll stay off. That’s my plan. I’d like to lose 28 more pounds. That’s not unreasonable and definitely maintainable. It should be easier with summer here. I love walking. I drink lots more water and my appetite generally dips way down. I’m going to make the most of all that and hopefully reach my goal by September 1.

And now that supper is done, I’m catching up on some Scrabble boards ( I love online Scrabble as much as face to face! I can play with lots of different folks—sometimes as many as 15 games at a time). Guess what I just heard? Thunder! Guess there were a few sighs of relief around my neighborhood!

I had to giggle at myself yesterday. I was working the stud press. It’s sort of become my job and I’m getting faster and faster at it. (So much so that two people told me to slow down today!) I was also having to feed the machine and do some scrubbing. I was running back and forth, so much so that I had worked up quite a sweat. (I should probably interject that I push myself extra hard, walk very fast, and just plain move like a woman on a mission--I only have one speed: full steam ahead!) I felt myself start to grumble (you know the kind when you're starting to feel sorry for yourself...), but then it dawned on me that if I kept up that pace it was going to be a great day of exercise! At least three more times I found myself reframing situations like that. And each time I would giggle at myself. Good thing that very few people walk by me—I’d hate to have to explain why I’m laughing at myself!

Here’s to laughter—it’s sweet, sweet medicine!

Happy Day To Me!

Happy Mothers’ Day!

What a sweet day it has been. I presented my monologue in all three services. When I sent Pastor a copy earlier in the week, he responded by telling me that it was “right on.” I felt good about that. The presentations went smoothly.

Baby Asher was dedicated at the 8:30 service. It was such a blessing and he was so amazingly cute---and well-behaved. Beth had gotten him an outfit from Baby Gap, so he was quite stylish in his baby cargo pants, yellow T-shirt (aka onesie) and argyle sweater vest. I teared up during the service, thinking about my baby dedicating her baby.

We got a coupon in the mail yesterday for Chipotle Grill. I’ve wanted to try it so because we got such a good coupon we did! The first amazing thing occurred when we told them that it was our first time there—they comped our meal!!! All we paid for was our drinks. So all three of us (Beth, Nelson, and I) ate for $4.50! The next amazing thing was how scrumptious our meal was. Oh, my!

When we were done Nelson told me to run by GFS (General Food Services) and get my next gift: a three pound tub of Chicken Salad—one of my most favorite foods. They were on sale!! So good. Then we drove over to Dairy Queen where Nelson bought Beth and I an ice cream Mothers’ Day cake. I’m so stuffed, that I don’t think that I eat any more today!

Now I’m just sitting here trying to unwind, but also thinking about my next monologue. I’ll be writing and presenting something for Pentecost Sunday. That gives me a couple weeks.

I got lots of positive feedback. After the first service a woman came up to me and asked if I had any training or experience that made it easier for me to get up front and do that kind of thing. I smiled. Just 20 years of pastoral experience, lots of drama experience, three master’s degrees…She was so surprised. She had no idea of my background. I let her know that that platform was where I was most comfortable on earth. Good news is that I get to do at least two more.

Well, that’s enough for now. Going to put my feet up for a bit. Need to rest up before work tomorrow. Here’s to sunshiny Sundays and Hershey Kiss hugs!

Restored

Here's my monologue for next Sunday, based on the restoration of Peter (John 21:15-17). I've sent it to Pastor...hopefully it will fit with where he's heading.

How will you be remembered?
Do you have any idea what is like to be know for the one thing you’ve done wrong?
Thomas forever will be called the doubter.
Moses was the stuttering Hebrew who killed the Egyptian, but became the man of faith who led God’s thankless people to the Promised Land.
King David was the adulterer, the murderer, the bad dad who became known as the man after God’s own heart.

His Psalm holds the key to the transition: restore to me the joy of my salvation.Restore…to give back the original condition. Jesus did that for me.

There we were on the shore, eating fish. We didn’t think it was going to happen. We had pretty much given up. We had gone back to our old ways. Fishing, after all, was what we knew. What we were made for.

But there over breakfast, Jesus reminded us that he had more in mind.

I sat just outside the group. Surely, he really couldn’t mean to include me. Not after what I had done. Not after what I had said. The lies, the cursing, cutting off that man’s ear. I really thought I had meant that I would follow him anywhere. But that was all gone now.

It was one thing to come back to the guys. No, it wasn’t easy. They could have turned me away…if they had I probably would have ended up dead like Judas. But they let me back into their circle. I never expected that Jesus would. I knew I had gone too far…certainly he couldn’t use me.

Restore to me the joy of my salvation. David’s heart was no more for you than mine, God. No more than mine. But I deserve to be out here.

I sat for a bit in my solitude, doing a pretty good job of beating myself up. When suddenly, but quietly I realized that Jesus was sitting beside me. I could barely look at him. Was he going to scold me, like he did when we fell asleep in the garden, or when we couldn’t cast out the demons. My faith was so small. I wanted to reach out but my shame consumed me.
“Peter, do you love me, more than these.” His words held me in their tenderness. I couldn’t help myself, I was like a parched man at a fresh spring lapping up the life. “Yes, Lord, you know I do.” I would leave them in a second to be back in relationship with you. Sure I needed their acceptance, but not like I needed that of the Lord’s. “Then feed my lambs.”

“Simon, son of John, do you love me.” What was he asking? Son of John, that’s who I am. Do I
love you more than myself? “Yes Lord, I love you.” And again, “Then feed my sheep.”Then he asked me again. What wasn’t I getting? Why did this seem so hard? I wanted to give him the right answer. “Do you love me?” You know everything already, Lord. You don’t need to ask.

Wait, the right answer isn’t for you is it, Jesus? What are you saying that I need to hear?
Do you love me? Not, “are you sorry for what you did, for what you said, how you acted?” Those things were cluttering my mind, not his. He asked if I loved him, not because he needed to know—but because I needed to know. I needed to be redirected. Restored.

Then, just as he did years before he looked deep into my eyes and told me, “Follow me.”
He knew my heart was true. He knew I was easily distracted; how terribly easy it is for me to get my eyes on others. He wanted me to live in my love for him and to serve him out of that same love. He wanted me to follow him with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength.

This moment wasn’t just about making me feel better. He was drawing me back. Back into service. I wasn’t going to be about fishing anymore. There were flocks to feed. There was work to be done. I needed to quit feeling sorry for myself and get to it.

I’m restored to serve him. That’s what I want to be remembered for, but if you must remember the failure, go ahead. Just be sure that you see he still was willing to use me. Me and my love for him.

Greasy, Grimy

I started an entry a couple days ago. Revised it yesterday morning. It just sounded like a bad email about what’s been happening in my life. It wasn’t really “poor me” but it wasn’t much better.

Here are the high points:
-Wednesday was a hard day (physically) at work for me and also for Nelson (Asher wanted to do his shrilly scream all day) so we got a way and went for Mexican for dinner.
-Thursday Nelson decided to go buy a new lawn mower (because Wednesday evening it would start).
-Friday Beth mowed the yard with the new mower. Guess she decided not to let me have the maiden voyage like she did with the washer and dryer (lol).
-The lawn mower is my Mother’s Day present. (giggles to herself, since her birthday present was the washer and dryer)

Yesterday at work I got so greasy dirty that I wasn’t sure I’d come clean. Our company purchased (as is) 5 machines from a company in Tennessee. The ‘as is’ was that that they were completely greasy, grimy messes and in many pieces. I jumped in with the power sprayer and not only got totally greasy and gross, but also soaked. You know you’re a mess (and quite comical) when someone at work threatens to get a camera to take a picture, but then when you get home your husband does.

It was dirty work but it was fun in a weird sort of way. I’m going to do the same thing on Monday. So Friday I spent about 4 hours steam cleaning and I’ll be doing at least the same. That’s eight plus hours in a steam room. This should be good for my skin or weight or something shouldn’t it?

Right now I’m at Annie’s. I got here last night. It was so fun to play with Penelope. She’s jabbering away. Caden is growing so quickly. Today we’re going garage saling in her little town—the whole community has their sales on the same day. And then this afternoon we’re going to a Victorian tea at her church. She’s quite excited to have me see her new church and meet some of her new friends. It just makes my heart smile.

Listening

As I said in my previous post, I was totally buoyed and saturated. The theme for the conference was “Contagious Joy.” I caught that for sure. But what else?

Going to conferences is typically very difficult for me. I am a public speaker, a communicator. I have great difficulty staying focused, so I speak to others with that in mind. I work hard to read an audience to be sure that they’re with me. And I get a lot of positive feedback when I speak and teach.

I guess that is why I am having such a hard time these days. I’m not doing and even farther from being who my gifts make me. And some days, I just don’t have enough hope to see it ever happening again. I’m not trying to beat a dead horse—this is just the battle of my heart.

So I sat in this conference, fully believing that it was no accident that I was there; open to anything that would speak to me and my situation. I heard a lot—some of it I even wrote down.
Interestingly, on Thursday morning someone walked up to me at the factory and asked me how I was—simple question. Their next question was: what would you like to be doing? This guy knows my story, knows where I’ve been, knows what I’ve been, and knows what I would like to be doing. He then went on to describe a possible scenario and how I might fit into it—and be able to utilize my gifts and abilities. There definitely was an appeal, but reality came thudding back into my mind—nothing is probably going to come of this.

One thought that was oft repeated came from Patsy Claremont. She kept admonishing us to be willing to take the next step. Now, I have believed that I am always ready for the next step—when I know what it is and have been able to carefully research it. I don’t think I would have been at the front of the line there at the Jordan River “ready” to get my toes wet. For those of you less familiar with the story: that’s how the children of Israel got into the Promised Land. They stood there on the bank. The river was rushing by, full and fast. Got told them to get on over. It wasn’t until they stepped into the water that it parted, enabling them to cross.

So this morning I’m awake at 4:00. I’m on cleaning detail at work. We have worked far ahead on orders and there isn’t any manufacturing work to do. Monday I buffed the break room floor and did some data entry. Yesterday I scrubbed a machine—I have the bruises and skinned knee to prove I really got into the task. I’m feeling sort of superfluous. Lay-offs are a distinct possibility and because D is now trained in my old job and quite good at a few more than me, I feel that I’m a pretty prime target for the old pink slip.

I’m trying to prepare myself for this. I’m trying to be okay with it. I’m not doing very well. Being unnecessary isn’t easy for me. What’s the next step in all this? I’m going to go in and pack up all my personal belongings to bring home. But then what?

Yesterday I met with the director of volunteers at church. She’s looking for someone to do some writing of study guides for small group leaders. The guides flow with the text for the message on Sunday. I’m very interested in this. I would have more time to write if I wasn’t scrubbing big machines. Does a lay-off free me up to write more? Is that the next step?

My ducks are not in a row. In fact, they’re running willy-nilly everywhere. Oddly, I’m not scrambling to pull them all in. I’m sort of just sitting still and watching them run. They’re awfully cute out there just playing. Getting comfortable and okay with not controlling everything just isn’t easy.

So that’s where I am. It feels a bit like nowhere. I like that word. It’s not only “no where”, it’s also “now here.” And I guess that’s where I am: present but not certain of what that means or where that is. But here. Looking. Listening. Ready to take the next step.