Fears

I finished “Traveling Mercies” last night. That was a good book. It felt sort of like I was reading someone’s blog or diary. It made me want to read more. It made me want to write more. It made me think.

So I went to the little book shelf in my room (where my devotionals and writing books are) and pulled my “The Playful Way to Serious Writing” book (by Roberta Allen) off the shelf and thumbed through its pages. This hasn’t been one of my favorite books, because its push has been toward more fictionalized writing (or that’s my perception).

It was sort of surprising when I landed on the following page: Think of five times in your life when you let fear stop you.

(Background to why this was so interesting to me. A couple days ago, Rev Mommy wrote about what are we afraid to talk about and that started a whole lot of thinking on my part about fear in general. Then tonight at a women’s Bible Study I attended [but probably won’t go back to] one of the questions the leader asked us was whether we were more motivated by love or fear? Then this page. I’m “afraid” that I’m supposed to be addressing my fears.)

…but back to the prompt…

1. (These are in no particular order of time sequence.) The first fear that jumped to my mind was when I was afraid to ask Nelson for the money to get my birth control prescription. Annie was only a few months old and it was time to start thinking about getting back on birth control. Money was so very tight right then. Asking for money has always been an issue for me. I reasoned in my head that it had taken so many years to get pregnant with Annie, surely I could miss a month and not worry. Surely, not. Annie was only 6mo old when I found out I was pregnant with Beth. One of the best mistakes I ever made.

2. I’m a good speaker and a good preacher. I participated in a preaching “contest” the last year of my M.Div program in Kansas City. My fear and lack of confidence caused me to doubt my ability and hold back—after all, why give 100% when it wouldn’t make a difference. Several people commented on how apparent it was that I shut down when I could have shone.

3. Fear of failure is a consistent—or was a consistent theme in my life before October 2001. The only way I knew not to fail was to just keep moving forward, take on more, and prove to everyone I was able to do it all. I lost all semblances of healthy boundaries. I really thought I could be all to everyone. My life was falling apart from the inside out and I was very close to committing suicide because I didn’t know how to stop the insanity. On October 8, 2001 I finally became so afraid of dying that I put an end (stopped) life as I knew and let the pieces fall. It turned out to be the hardest and best thing I ever did.

4. A friend of mine helped me get a job writing. She worked as an editor at a publishing company that was associated with educational materials. I contracted to write a teacher’s manual for a catechism course. I was really excited. I did a lot of research and work around the project, but fear of criticism, rejection, and the editor’s red pen kept from writing the necessary material. They released me from my contract.

5. One of the other questions the leader asked the group tonight (it was just an ice-breaker type game thing) was whether we were rebellious teens? I was quick to answer no. And the reason: fear. I absolutely totally feared disappointing my father. I never knew what it was like to truly sense his approval, so I’m not sure what I was actually working for, but I really, truly didn’t want to disappoint him. That probably wasn’t going to ever be possible since my very presence at birth initiated an endless string of disappointments: I was born a girl.


Now, let me rush in here to say: I’ve really worked hard on this issue. And I’m not nearly as fear-full as I used to be. I’m just very clear that this will be a life issue for me and I work on it day, by day, by day.

This Week

Tuesday:
Today the company we have our contract with came in for a meeting. I knew we were going to get dinged about how we weren’t keeping up with our five day turn around. So I went to the meeting with stats and data to make my point—heck, to make several points about what I needed to be able to do my job better. It showed some forethought. I made my point.

The real packaging specialist from the contract company came back with me to our area and gave me some one on one time—we discussed a lot of things. I was able to persuade her on one boxing issue. It was a huge improvement for us. I really, really appreciated her comments. I learned so much. It felt awesome.

At the end of the day, I was talking to Ed and B when Mr. R walked up. I thought he wanted to talk to them so I turned to go, but he told me to wait. When he was done talking to them he walked me to my office. He said he had heard that I had a college teaching position last year that was lost. I had only told Ed this. Mr. R reiterated his appreciation of my hard work. Then he told me that if I hang in there for a year, he would do whatever it takes to get me a teaching job at our local university or seminary where he’s on the board of trustees. I know that’s not always a given (after all, my therapist was on the board of the other university where I lost the other jobs). Even if nothing comes of it, I was just so absolutely touched that Mr. R would consider going to bat for me like that.

On the way home from work I remembered that I needed to stop and see my PO. Those who have been with me since last Fall may remember that one of the first things that my PO told me was that she would NEVER recommend an early release from probation for me. During our meeting we talked about her kids and my employees that are on probation/parole. Then she asked how long I had left. I reminded her that I was on paper until February 2007. I mentioned that I had thought about applying for an early release, but had heard that it cost a lot of money that I didn’t have. She said it should be no more than $100 or court costs. I asked how to go about it: should I contact the judge? She then said, "No. It just takes a recommendation from me. I’ll contact my supervisor and get things started." You could have knocked me off my chair with a feather. I was so excited I was ready to whoop!

Then when I got home my "new" laptop was here–finally. The screen is huge: I love that!!! The key action is nice too. The last two laptops that I’ve had were Gateways. This one is a Compaq Presario. Could the day get any better?

That’s a dangerous feeling for me...As soon as I realize that I’m feeling that feeling I start to get worried and start looking for the other shoe to drop. It’s not that I’m superstitious, I just don’t ever expect things to go well for very long.

When I turned it on there was a fine line down the right of the screen about two inches in. I was disappointed. Nelson asked how it was that EVERY time I turned on a computer I wrecked it? His words were like a sledge hammer upside my head. Now, I know that he doesn’t mean to be hurtful. I also know that he has no clue how his words affect me. I am also aware of how bored and testy he is from his forced confinement. I tried so hard not to take it on, but I failed miserably. When I went to bed I was sad, hurt, and sure that I wasn’t going to sleep.

Wednesday:
Nelson acted as if nothing had been said. In his mind there was no problem. It would do me no good to bring the incident up–it would be like rubbing a dog’s nose in three day old pee: totally ineffective. I tried to make him see how hurt I was, but I was too emotional. I hate that about myself.

Thursday:
I received another affirmation at work that my work was appreciated. It was a real pat on the back.

Friday:
D’s last day in our area. A couple weeks ago B took a goofy picture of D (she held a box lid over her face to avoid being photographed). For some reason she really liked the pic and wanted me to laminate it so it would be protected and preserved. Instead I bought a frame and had everyone sign it. I also bought a card and made a cake.

There was a real mixed feeling about D leaving. For me it’s hard. She’s been a friend and such an awesome worker. I am so ecstatic that she’s been hired on by the company, but I also felt terribly alone. I’m sure it’ll be ok, it’ll just take some time to adjust.

And now it’s Saturday. We followed up with the pastor twice to see if he called my PO, but haven’t heard back so it looks like church will have to wait another weekend. It would probably be ok, but trust me: I’m not taking any chances or doing anything that I’m not allowed. I may try and call my PO later to see...maybe.

Reflections on it all:
While I was talking with Mr. R, something was said that seemed to tie everything together here. Mr. R said something about how things work together. As soon as he said that I began to examine the cord linking life for me.

One of the things that occurred to me was the amazing way God uses events to get us where he wants us to be. Twenty six years ago, Nelson and I really felt like we should move to Ashland. We didn't understand why, so therefore after a very superficial examination of the situation we decided it probably wasn't the right move to make. And life went on the way it did. But here we are all these later in Ashland.

And I truly believe that God isn't done with me yet...and so now instead fearing the falling shoe, I feel a little more like an eager child just wondering what's coming around the corner--and like the child: trusting that it's going to be...gotta be good---because after all: it's coming from God who only has my best in mind.

Not Through

I heard a song a while back. It seemed nice. I didn’t pay really close attention. Heard it again last week. Liked it more. This morning it hit me like a brick between the eyes. It’s sung by Ginny Owens:

If You Want Me To lyrics
The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to

Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will go through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I

'll remember the suffering

Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Today after work Nelson and I had a meeting with the pastor from the nearby church where Nelson visited back last Fall. It’s also the one we watch on TV together. I called the pastor last week and told him of our situation. He wanted to meet with us. So today after work (what a day I had!) we got to talk with him. He was very open and positive and we will get to start attending services this weekend.

I thought I’d be whooping about this…don’t get me wrong, I’m happy down to my toes. I’m thankful, excited, scared, overwhelmed, and probably a few other things too. I will confess that I spent a couple nano seconds pondering what I would wear. My “church clothes” have hung so long in the closet.

But mostly, I’ve sat here and wept. I was remembering how devastating the blow felt when my PO told me that there was no way I could go to church. It all felt so unfair, so wrong. How could that be God’s plan? That was one valley I did not want to walk through. It made no sense, surely it could serve no purpose.

Left to our own plans we would have ended up miserable at the Nazarene church in nearby town with the pastor, who I believe, is on an ego trip that has potential to crush his congregation. It scares me now. Instead we went no where, then we went to T-Net, then we watched TV. The process or journey has been confusing at times, but it has provided opportunity for me to trust and to listen hard for God.

There will be those in attendance Sunday who will probably complain about sitting on old wooden benches. I welcome that hard feel on my seat. I don’t care what they sing, it will just be such a treat to raise my voice with other believers.

On a side note…there’s a phrase in the song “And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet.” So many times in the past four years precious brothers and sisters in the faith have encouraged me with this. When I have doubted that there could be any use for me, the reminder would come. The phrase caught my attention this morning.

Then tonight, before the pastor left, he asked to pray with us. We had spoken of our ministry journey. In his prayer he then asked God to reveal how he wasn’t through with me yet. He had no idea how precious those words were. Maybe someday I’ll find a way to let him know.

Mind Flooding

There hasn't been a hurricane in my life...just a few storms lately that have left me thinking. It's not necessarily deep, nor finished--but here's some of the gist...or grist:

-The message this morning was from Luke 15. The gentleman who brought the message was a professor at our local university and basketball coach at a nearby high school. The basis for his message came from a question a student asked a few years back: "Why are people in this country (she was an international student and athlete) so obsessed with winning?" It was a good question and timely given a later point you will read further in this grist list.

Beth joined Nelson and I in the living room as we "watched" the service. She went on for a minute about how many people turn to this text, implying that it is "over-preached." I chuckled. It is one of my favorites to preach from, but I tend not to go down the over beaten paths. I remember one Sunday in my last pastorate using this text and when I got to the part where the Father ran to meet the son I talked about why he did that. So many point out his joy at his son's return. Now, while I agree that there was joy, I believe it was also a more important thing the Father did. Can you imagine how horribly humiliating it would have been for the son to walk through town to get back home? How the tongue waggers would have relished each shame-filled step and how the stories would have flown! Instead the Father swooped in and proudly, celebratorily walked--no probably skipped through the streets declaring there would be a feast! Wow--now he may have blown it at other times as a Dad, but he came through big time right then!

-I'm reading a powerful little book, Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott. It's made me think about a lot of different things. First, I was just thinking about the style of the writing. It's much rawer and real--more unpolished than the "Christian" books that line my shelves. In books like this one and Miller's, Searching for God Knows What, everything isn't tied up in a neat package with a pretty little bow.

Last night I was reading the chapter entitled: Grace as I was going to bed. Wow. In that chapter she describes the "gift of failure." This gift "breaks through all that held breath and isometric tension about needing to look good: it's the gift of feeling floppier." And grace is "having a commitment to--or at least an acceptance of--being ineffective and foolish."

-Then this morning I found a note from someone new to my blog. She found me via a note I left on the blog of the person who gave me the Miller book. It was related to something I said about coincidences. I said I don't believe in them. Her challenge was then to believe then that it was no coincidence that someone at work found my blog and spread it around.

-One more piece: This week I found an email from one of our foster kids. This girl was a bright light amidst much frustration and feelings of futility. Her success, though, came from an inner resilliancy, all we did was nurture it. When life in my home was going south fast, I pushed to have her put in another home. I didn't want her to be negatively affected. I hoped that some day she would be able to understand why I did such a turn around from considering adoption to hving her leave. She's married (for two years, almost) and has a little baby of her own.

I was afraid at first to respond to her email. Shame will do that to you. What could she want? I spent quite a few hours playing out the worst case scenario in my mind. With great fear and trembling I finally responded. We did some small talk and catch up and then she asked about what had happened. In that moment what I thought and felt rivaled the prodigal son: I have sinned horribly against all I believed, I am not worthy to be called friend, let alone Mom...I couldn't even begin to ask for your forgiveness. Next thing I felt was her emailishly walking alongside me. Celebrating that we had reconnected.

It's been a rough week. It's been a good week. And grace isn't satisfied to leave me here...there's still more journey and growing ahead.

Tagged by Hope

Hope tagged me and I was touched. It was fun to think about...even dream about what I'd like to do...So here goes:

5 things I plan to do before I die:
-Write a book.
-Buy a small motor home and just travel for a long stretch of time.
-Visit my dad’s birthplace in Saskatoon.
-Go to Disneyworld with my grandkids.
-Own a bed and breakfast/spiritual retreat center.

5 things I can do:
-Sing.
-Play four musical instruments.-Play tennis.
-Make people laugh.
-Multi-task.

5 things I cannot do:
-Swim.
-Run any distance.
-Math in my head.
-Hold my breath for very long.
-Keep a tidy (aka FlyLady style) house

5 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:
-Wit and humor.
-Gentleness.
-Knowledge about a wide variety of stuff.
-Similar interests.
-A strong work ethic.

5 things I say most often:
-I’m sorry.
-You’re kidding.
-Lots of words of praise: Good job. Way to go. All right!
-Variations on I love you…like Grammy loves you, Love you (to Ann and Beth), I love you (to Nelson)…and even to my friends
-“Jesus”—spoken in prayer, in fear, when I need help, when I fall asleep.

5 celebrity crushes:
-Richard Geere (especially in First Knight)
-Hugh Grant (especially in Sense and Sensibility or Notting Hill)
-Alan Rickman (Sense and Sensibility and/or Truly Madly Deeply)
-Harrison Ford (Sabrina)
-Joe Lando as Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

Now, even tho I've been here for a while, I'm not sure who really likes to do these things. If it intrigues you then give it a try!

What I did...

Monday was a hard day. It was hard for me to look people in the face. This became a trust issue for me. I felt very vulnerable. I'm not sure how or why people found my journal.

So today I edited the whole thing. I took out company names and employee names. Since Ed read much of this I left his name in there.

I'm going to keep writing. This is my place and I won't be run off. The good far, far outweighs the bad!

As Molly Brown would say: I ain't down yet!

Meanness

It appears that someone from my place of employment decided to read my journal and go to my boss. Their intent was to make trouble for me.

I don't understand mean spirited people. I am now contemplating deleting my journal altogether. I hate the very thought of that. I've considered going private, but I'm not sure that will solve the problem.

My boss prayed with me about the issue. He was very understanding. He read much of what I wrote. I'm not angry. I just hurt and am very, very sad.

I just don't get the meanness of people.

Splendiferous

adj : having great beauty and splendor; "a glorious spring morning"; "a glorious sunset"; "splendid costumes"; "a kind of splendiferous native simplicity" [syn: glorious, resplendent, splendid]

That’s how my day has been. Here’s why:
-I slept in later.
-I had a new cinna-yummy coffee in my little coffee maker at work.
-I got ribbons so that I could print labels so I could package parts.
-The moves-slower-than-a-sloth kid I have working for me (who is the biggest drama queen alive) decided that he was going to try and work today (I really chewed him out yesterday…must have done some good.)
-I’ve been making sun tea for the past three days and it’s so yummy. Beth requested it (so it’s decaffeinated), but it has been so refreshing!!! No more pop for me.

(HERE’S A BIGGIE) I only worked 8ish hours today. Yes, I punched in a little early and I didn’t get out of there until 10 til 4, but the 12 hour days are over for now!!!

(WAIT THERE’S AN EVEN BIGGER BIGGIE) I remembered on my way home that I needed to stop and see my PO. What made me remember was the log I have to fill out. I didn’t have to do this until I moved to this county. I came and went for over two years, but when I moved here one of the first requirements was to keep a log of EVERYWHERE I went in the car. Any time I drove I was to log it. The family was initially annoyed, but then just went along with it. So I filled out the log and dashed to the PO’s office.

When I got there we spent quite a bit of time talking about the situation between Beth and the jerky boyfriend. We got there because one of the standard questions is whether I’ve had any contact with the police since our last visit. I told her no, but that I was close to calling them if Beth hadn’t filed a report on her own. My PO gave me some advice about the situation. So basically, we spent the whole time talking about Beth. Then I left.

As I pulled up beside the house, Nelson was yelling out the window. I couldn’t understand him—I thought maybe he was yelling at the dog. So I filled out my log and headed to the door. While I was still on the porch Nelson told me through the window that my PO had called and to let me know that I no longer need to keep the logs.

Now that may not sound like much to you, but it’s a huge piece of freedom and normalcy for me. I decided to celebrate so I drove to the gas station to fill up my car (gas is a couple cents cheaper on Tuesdays) and then to Taco Bell for a fiesta chicken taco alad. Yummmmmmmmm! And I didn’t write any of it down. (Insert huge smile here.)

So now I’m going to read about the goings on of others, drink my sun tea, finish some scrabble games, and then toddle off to bed.

It’s been a really, really good day.

Tootsie Tales

It takes 50 minutes to walk home. I’m terribly out of shape. It’s only two and a half miles. Maybe two and three quarters.

My car is in the shop. Probably the heater core. More probably $500. But at least it will be fixed.

Beth took me to work this morning and then she and Nelson went over to Ann’s to care for Penelope for the day while Ann worked a booth at the county fair for her Home and Garden Party stuff. Hope it went well.

But that’s why I had to walk…too many hills to ride my bike. I like walking. Shouldn’t do it again in my steel toe shoes. Beth will be able to drive me tomorrow. Hopefully the car will be done soon.

I was a sloth this weekend and it was glorious! Oh, I did laundry, washed dishes, vacuumed, bathed the dog and the husband…but for the most part I just rested and it felt marvelous.

Just wanted to let you know I hadn’t dropped off the face of the planet. It’s just peace-full and walk-full.

And now I’m going to go soak my tootsies. TTFN

Hard to be up today

Work was long and hard. These ten hour days are killing me. I’m so absolutely exhausted. We’re really close to being caught up so I’m going to recommend to Ed that when we come back next week that we go back to a regular schedule.

Beth had a horrible evening with that boy. He went ballistic and hurt her physically. We were livid. She was terrified. She made a police report out on the incident today. This guy is getting a bit psycho. He’s threatened to hurt us now. A CPO is next.

Tonight for dinner I drove to Arby’s and was picking my order up at the window when noxious smoke started pouring in the vents. Before I could get half way home, scalding antifreeze began pouring out on my foot—the non-injured one. So now I have no car to drive to work and a very sore foot. When Beth gets home from spending time with a friend I’m going to go put air in my bike tires and I guess that will be my mode of transportation tomorrow, Saturday, and probably most of next week while the car is being worked on. Maybe I’ll lose a little more weight.

I’m tired and cranky, so rather than vent on, I’ll think I’ll close and nap till Beth gets home to take me to a gas station.

Sleep well.

Wonder-full Wednesday

I ducked out of work for about an hour and a half yesterday to go to Beth’s first OB/GYN appointment. My first roll was to provide family health history. It’s nice to be useful.

Now some people wondered why I called the baby a girl. Beth was adamant that she was having and wanted a girl. I was accommodating her. And I was hoping I guess at some inner level for another girl, too.

I was surprised when the doc said he’d be giving her an ultrasound right then. Remember the old days when you had to drink so much water it hurt and then the tech would have you cross your legs and wait to see if the pics came out okay? Maybe that was just my nightmare.

We learned two things from the ultrasound. Beth is five months pregnant. That’s further along than she thought. It puts her due date at January 23, 2006. I told her she better not mess up the Superbowl, but Nelson said he thought it would be fun to watch it at the hospital. I think he had silly visions of nachos in bedpans.

The second thing we learned is that we are actually starting Nelson’s little league baseball team. Yes, much to Beth’s disappointment, she’s having a little boy. She’s not so much sad that the baby is a boy as she is sad that now it’s just going to produce another argument between her and the boyfriend—this time over the name. He’s adamant that if the baby was a boy that he will be named Jerry after his father (and many of the men in his family). He is constantly accusing Beth of being selfish and irresponsible. He’s threatened to kidnap the baby and run away. He’s threatened to kill himself. He’s said that Beth will never get custody because she’s irresponsible can’t manage her money. Now that’s an odd one: when she is responsible and pays her bills she’s selfish because she doesn’t give him money when he needs it because he’s squandered his check on absolutely nothing responsible. It’s not a healthy relationship.

Sorry about that tangent…back to the good stuff.

Last night I was just exhausted after work. It seemed like my entire body decided to ache at once. I was lying on the couch fighting to stay awake so that I could go to bed at 9 and sleep through the night. Even in my exhaustion my heart was smiling. Beth had been given this bag of information and magazines. She had started reading them before I even got home. She kept telling me facts and things that she had learned from her reading. She’s going to be a good mom. Here’s one of the things I didn’t know: did you? Did you know that a baby’s ears grow from the inside out? Beth’s baby has ears now. He weighs 10oz less than a can of pop but more than two sticks of butter.

Enough rambling. I need to get moving or I’ll be late for work. Oh, and I kinda got the impression from Buddy that I’ll be kept on hourly for the time being. It won’t hurt my paycheck any, but I sure wish I just had the freedom to work.

Have a wonder-full sort of Wednesday.

Just a bit before bed...

I’m so tired and so far behind on reading, writing and noting. It’s not that the week has been without its moments. It has been full of ups and downs. I know this, I’m just not sure I can recall them long enough to cast them upon your computer screen.

I am sure that my tiredness is majorly attributable to continuing to work 10hr days and both of the last two Saturdays.

Mom and George came for the weekend. It was so good to see my mom. We played as much scrabble as we could cram in. All three nights I played until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. She won the series. Losing didn’t even bother me—it was just so much fun!

Mom loved Rocky. I was afraid he was going to be a problem, but he totally endeared himself to her. It just made me smile. She bought him a bag of pig’s ear strips. Can you believe it? She was spoiling the puppy? This is not the woman who raised me, but I like her a whole lot!

Ann, Travis and Penelope came yesterday for Sunday dinner. We were going to go out, but I recommended that we get Kentucky Fried Chicken instead and eat it here where Penelope could romp and play with the dog. She was quite the entertainer. We all laughed at her antics and decided she was pure genius and joy. Wonder what we’ll do with two more at these gatherings. Better get another camera!

Work has been interesting. I continue to be blessed as I watch Deb blossom in her job and her confidence. And while that has been an occupational high, there has been severe disappointment with one of the other employees, to the point that I agreed with Dan and she’s no longer employed with us. Make me sad, but with all of her mistakes and issues from a supervisory position: if she was a cat she’d be dead she’s run out of mulligans, do-overs, and second chances. Honestly, today, I didn’t miss her added drama—not in the least.

I spent a lot of time last week just trying to pump this chick up. By Friday I was so tired of being her personal cheerleader: You can do it. I believe in you. Keep trying. Chin up. Blech. At one point I just rested my head in my hands at my desk and wondered half out loud: who encourages the encourager? Then I remembered all of you and smiled and got back to work.

This morning there was a meeting with the company owner, Ed (plant manager), P (CFO), Dan (T-Net chairman), and me. I used all my word skills and persuasion to make my point on how many people we need, how to figure production, and other issues of importance to me. I actually think everyone but Dan heard me and he might have caught some of it.

(A paragraph was deleted here to address privacy issues related to work.)

Okay. That’s enough for tonight. Tomorrow I’m going to work hard and then go with Beth to her first doctor’s appointment. She normally weighs about 105lbs—for a while people really wondered if she was anorexic. So that baby is pooching straight out---making such a cute little belly. Hopefully tomorrow we’ll hear her heart beating and get an idea of when we’ll meet her face to face. Grammy’s pretty excited about this one!

Sweet dreams all.

Very Rough Day

It’s been a terribly rough day. We made two huge, and I mean HUGE errors. Part of me wants to feel responsible for them, and ultimately as the supervisor I know I am…but I also realize that everyone else on the team signed off on the parts/packaging—no one else caught them. We’re all on the sinking ship.

I am so upset about the mistakes that I am actually feeling sick about it. Then I came home and tried to make some supper, Tuna Helper, for Nelson and Beth. It came out terribly soupy. Beth was half complaining about how it wasn’t setting up, so I told her to put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. I just about couldn’t handle another mess up. They did eat it and said it at least tasted good. I have a very smart family.

I’m sitting on the couch half dead and totally discouraged after work and Nelson announces that Ann and Penelope are coming over…TONIGHT. I thought he might be kidding, but he was not. They are now here. Chaos is an almost two curly top barnstormer, a rambunctious puppy, two pregnant daughters, and a hub who can barely get out of bed. I don’t have the energy for it tonight. Maybe if I sleep well…but I’m so stressed about work I’m not sure I will sleep…It maybe a Tylenol PM kind of night.

The reason that Ann and Penelope are here (though two days early) is to clean my house. Ann has a mild case of OCD and is an excellent cleaner. That’s a good thing since my mother, who has a moderate to severe case of OCD, will be here on Friday with her husband. If that’s not stressful enough, Ann wants to leave Penelope here when she goes home on Thursday night. That means Nelson (the semi-incapacitated) would have to care for her by himself on Friday and on my two days off when I would want to play scrabble with my mom I will have to tend to the baby and chase the dog.

This is one time I’m not sure I’m excited about being a grammy. She needs us to watch the baby. We love caring for Penelope. She is such a joy…an energetic, temperamental joy. We have never said no. We won’t say no now.

My foot is getting much better. The toe barely hurts. What do I need a toenail for anyway? The arch/sprain is still sore. It helped today to wear the same shoe and use my inserts. Nelson is improving too. Yesterday he had his first shower in 2 months. It took a lot of energy to balance on one leg for the whole time, but he liked being clean and fresh. I took him to Ponderosa for lunch and then to get a haircut. He was so happy to get out and about. He was even willing to sit in the car while I ran in and grabbed some groceries.

I guess I’ll go downstairs and get a hug and kiss from Penelope and then head to bed. I feel a bit like Anne Shirley from Green Gables: I’m glad tomorrow has no mistakes in it yet! Hope there’s few mistakes and lots of smiles in your tomorrow.

So Far This Week

Monday:
I wore the boot. It was heavy…but seemed to weigh the most when I went to the doctor’s office. That was totally unfair. I followed the young skinny nurse person through the door and her first words were: step on the scale and let’s get your weight.

What!!!!! I have worked hard and am quite proud of losing over 30 pounds. But I stepped on that scale with two steel toed work boots on and saw half my work disappear. I wanted to cry. The pain in my soul far exceeded the pain in my foot.

I sat quietly in the exam room. I left straight from work so I didn’t have a book or my PalmPilot to play scrabble on. The doctor finally arrived. He had me take the bandage off—which I really appreciated. He showed me the x-ray and there is a questionable black line on my toe just below the nail area right on the outside edge. Possibly a fracture? So the whole wound is considered an open fracture and needs to be redressed twice a day and I need to be on an antibiotic. Still only Advil or Tylenol for pain.

Tuesday:
Still wearing Nelson’s work boot. Still heavy. An interesting day at work. And a growth piece too!

In my former life (aka before my world collapsed), I worked hard. But in that working I had a very strong tendency to “make myself indispensable.” I was the expert on whatever I was doing. I would never have considered training my replacement on the off-chance they might be better and take my job. Can you say control and insecurity?

Well, I have learned my lesson and it has a sweet reward! Monday we received the computer and printers from the parent company we package for (big industry name). Tuesday they were coming to train us on them. Monday afternoon, B came and asked if I thought Debbie (one of my team) should be trained as my back up. I never flinched. I thought it was a superb idea. On Friday I had taught her how to do the inventory. She was quite tickled to have the new opportunity and added responsibility.

Here’s the thing. I’m not threatened. I am so excited to be a part of her growth and excitement. And she did really well with the training. The parent company was really impressed with her too. (insert big proud smile)

The only down side to yesterday was the whole issue of having tons of work and not enough workers. When the parent company sends us parts we’re supposed to have them packaged on a 5 day turnaround. Right now we’re at more like a ten to fifteen day turnaround. And on top of the 16, 599 parts I need to get out for the parent company, I have 9,600 parts to package in the next ten days that we’re making in house.

I went to talk to Mr. R about it (company owner), but he was gone. So I stopped and talked with the CFO and he told me that I would need 18 workers to get it all done. I only have 5. Maybe that’s why I didn’t sleep so well.

We’re considering working 10 hour days to try and catch up a little. And I thought I was tired already?

Wednesday:
Well, it’s still the wee hours of the morning. I’m going to get washed up and head out the door. Today I’m going to try and wear my own shoe: my old work shoes that a little bigger. I tried it on. It fit over the bulbous bandage—just don’t know if it will work for all day…only way to know is to try. Fill you in later.

News from Gimpville

Yesterday I worked too hard. I was locked out of the office where the paperwork was. I did a few things in the office, but I was busier driving the tow motor and eventually ended up making cartons. By evening my foot was good and sore. I took a couple Tylenol PM’s before bed, hoping to get some much needed sleep.

And sleep I did. I didn’t wake up until after 8:30 this morning. I made Beth and Nelson pancakes for breakfast. They like that on Sunday mornings. After Beth went to work I gave Nelson a bath and washed his hair. He felt much better.

We ate out today with Nelson’s boss and some other friends. Nelson used his walker to get out of the house. We were very careful on the end of the ramp where I fell. He was able to ride in the front seat of my Kia with very little pain. It was fun to watch him enjoy being out. This was his first trip out to something other than a doctor’s appointment or the hospital. His smile was worth all my pain. One of the cute moments was when he had hobbled out to the car. Remember I wrote that Nelson’s boss, Dave, fell off a ladder and fractured his leg? Well, we looked like some kind of Gimp Club. (Picture it: Dave's on crutches, Nelson is in a wheel chair, and I'm hobbling along.) Dave’s wife Linda is the RN administrator of a Nursing Home. She said she felt like she was out to lunch with a bunch of clients. After lunch when we hobbled out to our vehicles, Linda got a pic of Nelson, Dave, and I by my car, holding up our wounded left legs and feet. I may have to blow that one up!

I’m really having some nasty twinges in the empty nail bed and some seepage. Last night before bed I tried on one of Nelson’s steel toe work boots. They fit “okay” with my foot and ankle wrapped in an ace bandage and a slipper sock on—along with the big toe bandage on. The boots are the boots that Nelson bought for Ann’s wedding last fall, so they’re his “dress” boots and I’m under strict orders not to get them scuffed up. I think I’ll be so protective of that foot that it shouldn’t be a problem.

Updates on Ann and Beth: Beth is being very responsible. She’s checked into getting aid and we’ve talked about childcare after the baby is born. She’s also checked into some full time jobs. The boyfriend is running hot and cold on the whole idea. I’m not too surprised—when it’s not something you plan for, it can be hard to adjust to. Ann and Travis are still struggling. They had a huge fight yesterday and he threatened violence. She threatened to call the police and leave. He said she couldn’t leave without the car seat for the baby and drove away in the car that had it. Ann decided to wait and see how he was when he got home. We haven’t heard from her today. Hopefully, they talking things through. His biggest complaint (that we’ve heard about) is with Ann’s decision and desire to stay at home with the babies (Penelope and the new baby due in November). We’ll call her later when Travis goes to work to see how things are.

And the puppy…we still have him. He’s still cute. But tell me…I have two feet for him to lunge at: WHY must he go for the wounded one? It’s amazing how much pain that little critter can inflict when he lands on my nail-less toe!

My wonderful hubster ordered taco pizza for dinner. Guess what I’ll be having for lunch tomorrow too? For dinner I think we’ll have BLT’s since the neighbor brought us over some wonderful tomatoes from his garden.

And now I think I’ll put my weary body and very sore toe to bed. Sweetest of dreams to you! And yours.

It's Official

I'm a klutz.

Tonight, around 7:30 I was taking the dog out to let him do his business. I got to the end of the ramp and slipped. My left leg went under me and I ripped my "great toe" nail almost completely off. Instant blood...tremendous pain.

Beth had just left to go to her boyfriend's for the evening. I had Nelson call her and tell her to come home to take me to the ER. Nelson was frantic for me...even offered to come with us to the ER...like that was going to happen!

I am not fond of ER's. You wait way too long. Staff is over worked and grumpy. It's never a good experience. I was pleasantly surprised tonight. The staff was a hoot and we laughed the entire time we were there.

Well, maybe not the entire time. I wasn't laughing when the nurse gave me the tetnus shot. I couldn't remember the last time I had one...always means you're going to get one. She was good and I barely felt the needle go in. I will tomorrow, I know. I wasn't laughing when the doc was shooting novacaine into my "great toe", either. That hurt a lot. Not the needle, the med. Oooooo. I closed my eyes when the doc pulled off the nail. It didn't hurt, but I didn't want to see it.

I had x-rays. Nothing is broken. I did sprain my arch. That hurts quite a bit. The whole foot is starting to throb since the novacaine is wearing off. I wonder how much Advil I'll need to take to knock that pain out? No script for pain meds. Yehaw.

I'm scheduled to work tomorrow. I'll just be sitting at my desk. I have to go in. If I don't we'll fall just that much farther behind and after the fiasco of a day we had today...let's just say it was really bad...I have to go in. Besides, I have no way to contact anyone on the team to cancel. Going to be a long day. Good thing I have lots of paperwork to keep busy with.

So that's just one more thing on my plate. But I am thankful. Nothing is broken. I have a job that has insurance. And in one fell swoop I probably knocked out all my deductable.

Hope you sleep well tonight...

Somewhat Overwhelmed

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Like I’m taking on water. I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well at all last night.

Yesterday Beth and I drove (I drove and Beth rode) to Indy to the Brickyard 400! It was completely awesome. There just aren’t words to describe how amazing it was. It was so loud. It was so neat to be there with SO MANY OTHER people. We left before it was over and avoided my traffic phobia. Beth and I had a great time together. It was just the best.

Then as I was laying my very weary head upon my pillow, Beth came to my room and said she needed to talk, that she was SO stressed out. She sat on my bed and started to cry. Then she told me that she was pregnant. I knew what she was going to say before the words tumbled out of her mouth. I hugged her. I told her I love her. And I told her that we were going to go downstairs and tell her dad. That didn’t make her happy, but we went down and did it together. He was stunned but said all the right things. I was very proud of him.

Ann shared while she was here that she and Travis have been having more problems and keep bandying about the “D” word: divorce. This breaks my heart. Both situations with the girls make me wonder what I did wrong as a parent. Not so much that they ended up pregnant, though I wish it was different for them, but that they have ended up in relationships with men (and not just their current relationships) who don’t value them and make them happy. It’s as if they settle because they don’t feel as if they’re worth more than that. How did I not convey that to them?

I talked with Ann a little about it today and she said that Nelson and I put too high an expectation on them and they rebelled against it. I tried to express that it wasn’t an expectation as much as it was a hope. Semantics, I guess.

Nelson is in more pain today as he has been trying to stand, sit up, and move around more. Ann went to Walmart yesterday to get his prescription. (She was here for the weekend to care for Nelson while Beth and I were at the race.) The pharmacy wasn’t open yet. She tucked the prescription and bankcard into her wallet. She took them home with her. They should arrive on Wednesday or Thursday via the pony express.

My car is really acting up. One of the guys at work asked for a ride home and I obliged. As we turned off the road where the plant is onto the state route that would lead to his house, my car nearly died. I have no earthly idea what the problem is and Nelson is not able to diagnosis it from his bed. So here we go with an expenditure we can’t afford—especially since Nelson got a letter from BWC informing him that his “pay checks” would be reduced by more than half.

At work we’re getting more work to package, which is a good thing, except that I’m not getting workers to work so the work is piling up, and will continue to do so since the company my company has a contract with wants us to become a distribution center, which is a good thing---if I just had workers.
And tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad’s death. He died on 8-9-89 from cancer at the very young age of 53. I miss him very much.

I kept singing to myself today: turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

I may take on some water…but I’m not going under. I may feel overwhelmed, but I’m not defeated. I may not feel like I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, but I am promised that I am more than a conqueror.

I don’t know about you…but that’s what I need to know. It’s what I need to hold onto today.

Staples and Conspiracy

What a day! I worked so hard and then rushed home to take Nelson to the doctor. The wound is healing well. They took the staples out. We counted them and all together there were only 35. It was a painful process.

Beth brought a puppy home. It's part chichuaua and part daschound. It's really quite cute, but I don't know how we'll be able to care for him. He's temporarily been named Rocky...did I mention he's absolutely adorable and sleepy so sweetly on Nelson's chest right now...sigh. They decided if I just saw him, got some puppy kisses and let him cuddle up that I would be able to send him away. I was double teamed!

And now I'm off to bed!

No Casualties

It’s getting hot again. The good thing is that it’s been a little cooler at night, so it’s cooler in the morning when they open the bay door near our area. I actually didn’t feel like I was going to die from the heat.

As I was waking up this morning I was in pain. At first I thought it was my kidneys and that was scary to me. As I got up and moving though, I realized that it was my hips. And I decided they were sore from the way I had been bending while I made carton after carton. Fortunately the longer I worked today the more limber I became. So even though I ached and acquired quite a few new bruises, I wasn’t going to die from the pain.

Today was a very important audit at work. I had been assured that my packaging operation would not be part of the audit. This assurance didn’t just come once, but several times. Then, this morning, shortly after we started work, B came to me and informed me that the auditor would be stopping by to talk to me. What?! No way. I was assured. Now, remember B is the biggest kidder in the plant, so I wasn’t sure if I should believe him. A little later the tow motor guy, T, came from his first audit and repeated the dreaded warning that I was indeed going to be audited.

I had to do some serious self-talk. First, I was hired because I can do this job. Second, if they find something missing in my production process it doesn’t make me a failure, it means there’s room for improvement…and that’s okay. Then, they don’t want to see me fail. I actually must have been listening to myself—surprise, surprise.

The auditor arrived in our new area about 1:30. He asked a lot of questions. T had coached me to just answer the question he asks—not offer any extra information. I knew that routine, having appeared as an expert witness in court on behalf of kids and families. Anyway, I did well with all the questions. B and Ed gave me thumbs up. I survived the audit: I didn’t die.

At the end of the day I was tired, not dead tired, but very tired. When the shift started Dan informed me that S, one of the workers, had several concerns/complaints and wanted to have a meeting to work them through. Great. So we met. Oh, I had to bite my tongue. There were so many things I wanted to say. What about my concerns? It was time to pick my battles carefully. So I did. And neither of us died from the confrontation.

Before I left work, I called home to see what Nelson wanted for dinner. He requested chicken parmagiana. I make a cheater version: frozen chicken patties, spaghetti sauce, and grated mozzarella over spaghetti. And believe it or not, they ate my dinner…and nobody died.

I guess that makes this a good day.

Now, before I duck out of here a quick question…When you greet someone and ask how they’re doing and they say not bad, how do you respond? Is it good to be not bad? I’ve just been thinking about that recently. Several people have responded that they’re not bad, or just okay, or hanging in there. The first couple times I gave a automatic response of “good.” But is it good? Is it good enough? I’m going to have to pay more attention to this…and definitely more attention to my responses…

And now, I’m out of here! Sweet dreams.

Remembering

Thought I’d give it a whirl….

10 Years ago…July 1995
I was 38. Nelson and I had just purchased our first house. We were doing foster care and had 3 or 4 foster boys. We were attending and very active in a Nazarene church. Our pastor died of cancer that spring and I was doing a considerable amount of pulpit supply, and though many there thought highly of me, they never even offered me an interview. Our girls were 11 and 12.

I had taken two courses of the Doctor of Ministry degree program and was told that I wasn’t going to make it if I didn’t jump through the necessary hoops. Being the radical that I was I left the program and registered for Pastoral Counseling program at Ashland Theological Seminary.

I was working full time as the chaplain at Adriel School. I loved my job. I really liked the agency I worked with. Life was pretty happy.

5 Years ago…July 2000
I was still working with Adriel, but had transferred into the counseling component. I had done outpatient child and family counseling, been the director of the Day Treatment Program, and was now assuming the position of Residential Therapist. I maintained a few of my longstanding out-patient clients.

Nelson had tried his hand at owning and running restaurants. This hadn’t turned out well, in part I believe, because his partner was greedy and intimidating. They had started with one Blimpy Sub and Salad Restaurant, and when another became available, dove into owning it without really thinking about how things were going to work. They ended having to sell the first restaurant and now were about to loose the second. It was a dark time for us financially.

I was not only working as a counselor but I was in my second year as the interim pastor of a very difficult Mennonite church. The church had been through 4 splits in 3 years and we were working diligently on matters of healing and preparation for a full-time pastor. I loved my work.

Annie (older daughter) graduated in May and was preparing to head to Eckard University in Florida. This was not her first foray from home. She had been a foreign exchange student to Brazil for 9mo when she was 15. It was still hard to think about letting her go.

This was a busy time, but it seemed like a good time.

One Year Ago…July 2004
Out of the blue Dave and Linda stopped by and Dave had a business proposition for Nelson. He wanted Nelson to be the supervisor of his crew in the building of this nearly 5000 sq ft house. After praying and feeling positively about the move, we began looking for a place to live. Several doors closed, but we were determined. Nelson had given his notice at Home Depot and was ready to start his new job. Beth was living with us since we couldn’t afford to send her back to college, so she was trying to find a job here in our new town too.

I had no job prospects and was very fearful about what I would discover as I transferred to yet another new PO.

Yesterday: I was blessed to have the opportunity to work overtime. Nelson spent most of the day in bed as his ankle was hurting, but so was his bottom from bedsores. It’s been a difficult year.

Today: We watched church on TV. Nelson sat up on the couch for about an hour. He’s just finishing up a nap. I read out on the yard swing for about an hour. And now I’m back here.

Tomorrow: Another day of work packaging and supervising. Going to be a little stressful as we are having an audit by the organization that certifies us (ISO—don’t know what the letters stand for). Dan is back from vacation so I’m sure I’ll get an earful about how he doesn’t think we’ve produced enough. Just anticipating tension and discord. Sure makes me wanna hop out of bed in the morning!

I don’t remember the other stuff…but reading other people’s entries of this ilk, had me thinking so I thought I’d add mine to the lot.

Lots of Smiles

FRIDAY: All day I was mindful that at some point while I was slaving away at work that Annie was having her ultrasound and we were hoping to find out if we are having a baby girl or a baby boy. She also found out when she’s due. She told me that she’s due right about my dad’s birthday, November 7, and she thinks Wilson (my family name) Andrew would be a nice name.

Slick huh? We’re having a boy!!!! I’m pretty excited. I really like the name…that pretty much seals it that Travis won’t…oh well…it will be fun to go to garage sales now and buy little boy things!!!!

I don’t think she’ll wait till November. She’s already 6mo along. She’ll be done at the end of October. The tech doing the ultrasound gave her the date of October 31. A pumpkin baby!!!

Work has been work lately. I get to work tomorrow. A full day at that! That extra green will come in handy! I’m sure I’ll be tired on Sunday. My feet have really been aching lately, so I bought some inserts for my shoes. We’ll see if that helps.

Yesterday, after a particularly rough day of working hard and excessive frustrations with others who don’t want to work, at about 10 minutes before the crew was leaving Ed and B informed me that we were going to move the packaging department to the other end of the building. I was so exhausted, but I sucked it up and started directing all the moving.

So today we worked in our new area. Actually, it went better than I anticipated (aka feared). There continues to be frustrations with slow, and I mean s-l-o-w-w-w-w-w-w moving people. It’s interesting how some people lack mental capacity, but work hard while others use their mental ability to get them out of work. Sometimes I just shake my head.

I had the blessing of being able to work yesterday. I wasn’t sure how much we’d get done since initially only 2 others volunteered to work. Then another person offered to work, too. So we got the 2 orders packed that Ed needed done and 8 skids of another. Pretty good considering we had such a small crew.

It’s Sunday now. I’ve been up for quite a few hours. In fact it’s only 11 and my tummy is already asking “what’s for lunch?” Not good. The good thing is that Nelson is sitting on the couch! One of things we don’t like about our couch is that you sink to where you feel like you’re sitting on the floor. So when Nelson said he wanted to sit up for a while, I put the two cushions together and helped him hop over. His smile was so big sitting there, upright. I was ready to take a picture.

So there’s a few smiles at my house: just think how big they’ll be when it’s the grandson sitting up on the couch. We’re so easy to make happy!

Wishing you smiles and happiness in your day!

Butt Paste

Want hear some something funny…well, not really laugh out loud funny, more ironic? Nelson’s boss, Dave called today. Nelson asked him what he was doing. He told Nelson that he was watching TV. Nelson thought that was odd on a work day. Come to find out, Dave fell off a ladder at the worksite and broke his leg. Can you believe it? It’s not actually a break, only a fracture. He’s only going to be off work for a couple weeks and he’s not “non-weight bearing.”

I had to stop and see my PO on the way home from work. She was so concerned about Nelson. I was in her office for about 20min and 90% of the time she asked questions and talked about Nelson. She was so concerned that Nels’ boss hasn’t got the ramp built. She decided to look through her people and see if any of her guys who are on PRC need community service hours. If she finds someone she’ll give him hours for building the ramp for Nelson.

We’ve (translate Nelson) has developed a new kind of pain over the last couple days: non-diaper rash and bed/but sores. I had been putting lotion and powder on it, but today it reached a new level of hurt. So after dinner I made a run to Walmart where my goal was to bring home the Desitine.

Do you know how many different kinds of diaper rash lotions and creams there are? Well, let me tell you: lots! I ended up just buying Desitine because I was familiar with it. The only other one I almost bought was called “Butt Paste.” I thought would make Nelson laugh. It made me laugh there in the aisle.

Well, Nelson handed me the TV remote. Said it was my night to pick what we watch. Bad idea tonight. There’s a dog show on Animal Planet. I’m quite happy. And Nelson is happier too…Desitine is good stuff!

Strange entry…butt it’s how my life is going these days…..

Booted

Update on Nelson: Friday I worked half day, but did a whole day’s work. That’s a whole entry in itself…Nelson sat up in the car on this trip. He said it felt better. The visit at the office, however, did not. They cut off the gauze splint and removed the bandages. It ended up pulling terribly on the incisions. He has one incision with about 40 staples down the front of his shin and another on the side his foot below his ankle bone. They only put a couple gauze pads on the incisions and rods left from the holes made by the external fixator and then wrapped it in an Ace wrap.

When that visit was done, they sent us to another office in the same building. There he was fitted for a walking boot—which at this moment seems redundant since is still not to put any weight on the ankle. The boot, however, did bring some relief from pain as it returned support to the seriously sore ankle.

So he’s back in bed. The ankle pain is minimal, but he has developed a new pain in his side at his lower rib cage. We’re not sure if he strained a muscle in all the moving around the other day or what, but it’s making it very hard for him to breath and move. And he can’t move his arm to use his urinal…so guess what that means…

Annie and Penelope went home yesterday evening. It’s quiet in the house again. Last night Beth picked her boyfriend up from work late so she just stayed at his house. That meant Nelson and I were here alone. I just didn’t want to sleep upstairs…alone, so I slept on the couch in the living room to be near Nelson. I slept quite soundly. He said I didn’t even snore…maybe I should sleep there more often.

I didn’t just sleep soundly, I slept long. I didn’t wake up until 8:00. I just don’t do that. I tried to stay quiet so as not to wake Nelson up. He slept until nearly 11:00.

While I was being quiet, I finished reading “Searching for God Knows What.” I received this book as a gift. It has been such a gift. I would highly recommend it—but be prepared, it’s not necessarily a “nice” book. It rattled my cage a few times, challenged me, and made me weep. The author, Donald Miller, is focusing on our relationship with God not the formulas we tend associate with Christianity. Powerful.

In the quiet, I was sitting and reflecting on Miller’s words, on my relationship with God, and my relationship with Nelson. Miller mentioned the story of Hosea and Gomer as an illustration of God’s love in the face of refusal. I was thinking of why so many people ignore and avoid the story. Wait, I think the word I’m really wanting here is resist. People resist the story because they assume the role of Hosea not Gomer. They judge the waywardness of Gomer, her cheating ways—and no one likes to be cheated on! When the reality is we are Gomer and are being loved with an indescribable, totally persuing kind of love.

I was thinking about that persuing love, which of course reminds me of Psalm 139 and the Hound of Heaven. That image and depth of that love is what drew to make a decision to follow Christ. I absolutely longed to be loved that way. I still do. That insatiable desire motivated me to do some things, involve myself in relationships that were completely unhealthy and totally destructive. And all the while, the love I thought I had to grab for was right at my fingertips in my incredible husband and my compassionate Father.

As I pondered these thoughts, I noticed a sign that I had received as a birthday gag. It reads: Happy 39th Birthday Again?! And I wondered: would I want to be 39 again? That would be nine years ago. That would put me back into the summer of 1996. I might go back if I could implement the “stuff” that I’ve learned—much of it the hard way.

Then I wondered: what one truth that I’ve learned in the last nine years would I take with me if I were permitted to do so. And I think it would have to be that nothing I can do, nothing, will make me more loveable; nothing will increase my chances for being loved; nothing will improve my status.

How absolutely different my life would be if I could just believe in my own value. How much pain I could have avoided and how much more fullness could I have enjoyed if I would have just accepted the truth of the Father’s estimation of me, especially as it was demonstrated in Nelson’s love for me.

So that’s how my morning has been. And now it’s race time. And friends (Rhonda and Steve) are coming by for a visit. A good day is just going to get better. I hope yours does too!

Rough Night

It’s now 4:30am. And I’m wide awake. At about 1:30 Penelope had a night terror. Ann pulled her from the crib and put her in bed with us. Penelope is not an easy child to sleep with.

I sort of dozed off for a bit, but started having serious nasal drainage and began coughing. I didn’t want to wake them up, so I carefully crawled out of bed and came down to the computer. I wasn’t down here 10 minutes before I noticed the serious lightening show going off in the distant sky. I quickly ran out and rolled up the windows on mine and Ann’s cars. I got in just as the sky let loose. Hopefully, that burst will bring down the humidity.

I got back in the house and no sooner sat down with the computer when I heard a thump followed by a baby scream. I scooted up the stairs to find Ann trying to fetch Penelope off the floor on my side of the bed. It was quite a thump too, since we have bare hard wood floors in the bedroom. Ann was able to quiet her and it seemed they were headed off to sleep, so I went back to the computer.

Next thing I new, Ann and Penelope were coming down the stairs. Penelope sat and cuddled with me for a bit, but she just doesn’t seem to want to sleep. Ann wants to sleep, but Penelope won’t let her. I would like to sleep, but now it’s time to be awake to get ready for work. And Nelson is now awake, too, saying he hasn’t slept well all night.

Rats…and now the internet connection is gone. I’ll have to try and post later.

Connection’s back. Nelson is back to sleep. Penelope is watching “Little Mermaid” and her eyes are getting very, very heavy. Annie half asleep and yet keeping one eye on Penelope. And I’m heading out the door.

And somehow Beth slept through it all…lucky her! Have a day that brings many smiles!

Night Night

All my days are looking much alike: work, care for hubster, play with the baby, and read about other people’s interesting lives.

It’s been a bit rough at work. Thankfully the humidity was down a little bit today. Monday and Tuesday I was sure I was going to melt. It was rough employee-wise, too. It’s only Wednesday and I’ve already lost 4 employees. One guy had to leave Tuesday morning because he thought he was having a heart attack. That same morning another gal walked off the job because she was “tired of all the b****ing.” I did have to keep telling her to put her safety glasses on—sorry, it does happen to be company policy. One of our guys was supposed to go to an AA meeting so he could come back to work. He went to the meeting, but unfortunately he was drunk and that sort of defeated his coming back. Then today a guy had to write up last week decided to really slough off and the rest of the team came to me about it. When I confronted him with their concerns, and informed him that I would be monitoring him he went ballistic and walked off the job. He was hanging around outside the building after. There was so much concern for my safety that the HR manager walked me out to my car. (I don’t think there was a need, but it made some people feel better.)

I’m really not that hard to work with. No really.

I should have known that it was going to be a weird day by the way that it started. I was just about to kiss Nelson and head out the door, when Nelson said, “I think I have to poop.” Well I couldn’t walk away from that…and I didn’t. Yeehaw.

We’re sitting here watching a show about tv goofs and gafaws. It’s a fun family time. There actually hasn’t been a nasty word spoken all evening. Maybe I should go to bed really quick so I can end the day on a good note!

Oh, I had a funny moment at the end of the day. Right at the end of the day Ed gave me a task that required setting up quite a bit of paperwork. I had some other things that I was going to work on too and I was going to do too. I was standing there talking to the CFO and after he offered to walk me to my car he asked what that stack of papers was. Caught! He wouldn’t let me out of the building with it. Old habits die hard. I’m glad I didn’t bring it home, but I will confess I have thought about it a couple times. I’ll just have to get it done tomorrow.

Right now, Penelope is saying it’s time to go night, night. So, night night all!

Weak-end?

Where did Saturday go?

I slept in all the way till 7:15. It was wonderful. I went very early to get my hair trimmed. I like to go early so I don’t have to wait. Even with it cut short I was just sweating up a blue streak. Hopefully this will help a little.

After Annie and Penelope were up and dressed we went to the Farmers’ Market. There weren’t many veggies, but there were lots of tables with baked goods and other things. I ended up buying some hot pickled peppers (for Nelson), an Amish loaf of wheat bread (for Annie), and a cilantro plant for me. Penelope liked seeing the horses. It was hot and beyond humid so we didn’t stay out long.

The rest of the day was just that: rest-full. Then about 7:30pm Nelson’s parents showed up. They live about 2 ½ hours away. We didn’t know they were coming. Spending time with them is challenging. Nelson just doesn’t have a good relationship with them. They’re staying at a local hotel tonight and coming back tomorrow.

Yesterday after work Ann and I ran to Walmart and SavALot and when we got back to the house I was telling her that I was thinking I would wait till morning to mow—hoping to avoid the humidity. As I pulled into the drive I realized that my yard was already mowed. The neighbor to the rear (who brought us strawberries and promises to bring us other goodies from his garden) had mowed our yard while we were gone. I felt so blessed. We have such good neighbors.

To say thank you to both Deryl and his son Lucas and our mowing, garden neighbor Ann made some chocolate chip cookies. They were quite yummy. Both helpers seemed surprised with our thank you, but that’s ok---we just wanted them to know how much we appreciated their help!

And now it’s Sunday.

I slept all the way till 7 this morning. When I woke up I checked out the time. I decided I should get my shower early and be ready for when Nelson’s parents show back up. I’m feeling sort of whiny about the whole thing and I don’t like feeling that way, but this is not how I want to spend my day off. Oh well, I will just suck it up and paste on a smile. At least they made an effort to connect with their son—something they haven’t done for years. I will keep my mind open and my prayers flowing for more love.

This is another one of those moments when it’s not about me.

I hope there are pleasant surprises and sunshine in your Sunday!

Home Again!

Nelson is home. The trip went much more smoothly than I had anticipated. The transportation guys at the hospital helped, as did the valet at the front door. He climbed right in the car and helped moved him forward.

It was raining really hard when Julie and I left for the hospital. We were so focused on the storm that we forgot the extra pillows needed to make the trip endurable. Needless to say there were many moans from the back of the Aztec. I tried to miss the bumps, but he felt every one of them.

I stopped at the house of a nearby friend to see if he could help us get Nelson in the house, but he was at work. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next. I decided to check and see if the neighbor catty-corner was home—I also thought he had a teenage son who could help. They were more than willing. The neighbor dad gave us some really good direction and we got Nelson in with no trouble! Have I mentioned that I have really good neighbors?

The other night I had a really interesting conversation with Beth. She asked a question that other people have also asked. She asked if we ever wondered that maybe we made a mistake by moving here to Ashland. My answer wasn’t anything I had given any thought. It was one of those moments where the answer was as much a revelation to me as it was to Beth.

I told her that sometimes the things God asks us to do aren’t about us. I suggested because we moved here we were able to help our friend Steve find a job to supplement his pastoral job since he’s not being compensated currently by his church. Because we moved here, Nelson was also able to recommend our friend Mook to be able to work with them on the house project too. It’s hard to describe how important it has been to him to have someone to believe that he could do the job.

Life hasn’t been easy since we got here, not easy at all, but it has been worth it when it’s put into that kind of context. It really isn’t always about us. Sure it would be nice to have things feel like they were going more in our favor. It would be nice to have a couple nickels to rub together. It would be nice for Nelson to feel some appreciation (and remuneration) for his hard work. But once upon a time we relinquished those “rights.” And quite honestly it has been fun to watch how things unfold.

Now I have to own that I don’t always live into the fullness of that truth. Sitting here and seeing the pain on Nelson’s face doesn’t make that truth easy to believe. But sometimes the truth isn’t easy

Well, I’m needing to rock a sweet baby to sleep…yep, Penelope brought her mommy back so she could be Pepa’s nurse and Penelope could keep a smile on Pepa’s face! Hopefully I won’t be the one who falls asleep in the chair! Sweet dreams…I know I will…all my sweeties are here (when Beth gets home that is).

Humpty Dumpty Report

I’m home. I’m exhausted. We got Nelson there—even a little early! Not a good thing necessarily when you’re waiting for surgery. I just wanted to allow for traffic.

While we were in surgery waiting, the doctor let us know that Nelson would be staying a couple extra days. This was comforting news. Nelson had been concerned about how we were going to be able to manage his pain.

My sis came early and then stayed all day with me. It was good to have the company. We talked a lot and were quiet at other times. The surgery waiting area was very “homey” so we were comfortable all afternoon.

Nelson was taken to surgery around 11:30am and we finally got to his room around 5:30. The surgery took about 4 hours. They found more damage to the joint than anticipated and found another broken bone, this one in his foot.

We took Nelson’s c-pap (forced air breathing machine for his apnea) machine with us—just in case they did keep him. Julie had gone to the parking garage to retrieve it from the car when I arrived in Nelson’s room. I was not ready for what I found. Nelson was laying in the bed moaning, it was obvious that he was in terrible pain.

I have known this man for nearly 28 years. I have seen him injured on several occasions. I have never seen him hurting as badly as I did this evening. He told the nurse that his pain was at a 9 (on a scale where 10 is the worst). I translated to the nurse that on a “normal” person’s pain scale that would put Nelson’s pain at about a 15. He just doesn’t complain about pain. My heart started to ache. I felt so helpless, sick seeing him hurt and totally unable to do anything…well, not anything. I walked over and just began stroking him on the arm and across his forehead. That calms him, relaxes him. And as he relaxed the pain meds began to kick in.

Yesterday, I called Nelson from work while I was on my 2:00 break. He told me he was a big boy. He had gotten out of the bed and onto the bedside potty all by himself and had a bowel movement. I started thinking about it and the thoughts weren’t good. I had forgotten to put any water in the potty bucket. That would make clean up fun. And how pleasant it was going to be to come into the house with that aroma greeting me. He told me hat he was a really big boy and put the bucket in the half bath and shut the door. He had managed to get himself from the potty to the wheel chair and rolled to the bathroom to “hide” the potty bucket. I told him to warn the daughter so that she didn’t walk in there after work.

I cleaned things up when I got home from work…including the hubster. That’s really love. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn’t much different from changing a dirty diaper, but it really isn’t the same.

Wiping your sweetie’s seatie is really love in action. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that true love is just willing to wade through the crap: whether it’s wiping a poopy bottom or coming to grips with unexpected, unexplainable criminal behavior. Nelson’s amazing ability to forgive me and keep loving me makes cleaning up poop seem like a walk in the park.

One of my favorite biblical moments comes when the crowd questions the woman who anoints Jesus feet and head at the dinner at the Pharisee’s house. Jesus tells a story to explain her extravagant display love. (Luke 7:36-50) In the story two men are forgiven a debt they cannot repay: one small and the other enormous. Jesus’ question: Which one will love more? Simon’s response is that it will be the one who has been forgiven more.

I understand this. I have been greatly forgiven, I am deeply loved…and there is no other response but to love and love deeply.

I may not be explaining this well…that may be because I’m feeling it quite deeply.

So now I’m going to take my weary self to bed…tomorrow holds much to do: work and a run to the hospital. Better get some rest. Hope you do too!

Fast of Slow

Well, after working to adjust to the idea of Nelson laying around for another three weeks--the doctor talked to the nurse practioner this morning. He asked why Nelson wasn't on the surgery schedule this week? When she told him that Nelson wasn't scheduled to be seen again until 8/3 he was not pleased and scheduled Nelson for surgery tomorrow at 11:00am.

So I had to get things organized at work. Again, they were very understanding that I needed the day off.

We just finished Chinese for dinner. Nelson actually had a little appetite and since he knew he wouldn't be eating again tomorrow he decided to eat something that sounded really good. And it was!

Well, I've got laundry to finish, dishes to wash, and if it cools down I may try to mow...maybe.

Friday

Doctor Report:
A guy at work offered me the free use of a wheel chair. His dad (a big man like Nelson) had diabetes and had his leg amputated. This was a real blessing because we were going to have to rent one and were told Workers’ Comp wouldn’t pay for it.

So my sis came to help with her Aztec (the seats fold down flat) to help us get to the appointment. We worked hard at it, but were finally able to get Nelson comfortably into the car.

We arrived for the appointment on time. They were quite prompt at getting us seen. We were scheduled with the nurse practitioner—this should have clued me in. They took off the wrap and the gauze pads. They were sort of gross…nah, they were lots icky.

The nurse practitioner told us that things were looking good, and healing well. She told us that the swelling was to be expected. His foot and ankle are really bruised and the skin looks really taunt from the swelling.

We were hoping that during one of the many times when she left the room she would return with the Doc and he would tell us when the surgery would be next week. Each time she returned alone. Finally, she let us know that the doctor wasn’t even in today and Nelson wouldn’t see him until his next appointment which is August 3.

This was very discouraging news. Nelson is so tired of just laying around. Three more weeks of this is going to be really tough. We spent some time this morning trying to think of things for him to do during the day to pass the time. Sis gave him a pair of reading glasses and that enabled him to read the computer screen. He can listen to his favorite radio station over the internet too. I’m going to bring down his box of stamps that he can look at and price.

Annie is going home today, too. We discussed it and decided that there wasn’t much point in her staying for the three weeks and then for however long is needed after the next surgery. Needless to say, Travis is happy that she’s coming home. The big loss in all this will the presence of Little Miss Entertainment, but Penelope needs to get home to her familiar surrounds, too.

Well, there’s some other stuff going on too, but I thought I’d fill you in on this and then write more later.

TTFN

A Little About Me

Nelson is hanging in there. He's taking less pain meds. Ducolax is an amazingly quick working stool softenor and true love is wiping/cleaning your beloveds butt. He's getting tired of only laying on his back and bored, but working hard at being a model patient.

Now I'd like to talk about me for a minute. I'm becomnig very aware of something about myself. I have always been intrigued and impressed by the Meyers-Briggs Trait Inventory. I think it is insight-full and helpful for understanding much about oneself and applying that knowledge to many facets of life (relationships, work, leisure, and spirituality to name a few).

I became familiar with MBTI during my chaplaincy training (CPE) in Kansas City. The first time I took the inventory came out as a ESFP. My result reflected my mask or external self that was "on" most of the time. My supervisors and groupmates helped me to unpack that and I retook the inventory. Not too surprisingly, I came out a INFJ--just about as opposite as you can get. Again, however, this felt more like what I wanted to be. In the end, I learned I was terribly confused and it's very difficult to "develop one's pastoral identity" (goal of CPE) when one isn't aware of one's personal identity.

Over the years I've hung in there with MBTI, reading and trying to understand so that I can better understand myself. This became an even more pressing study after I committed my crime and wanted to better understand how the heck I got there so that I would be sure to never go back. I learned:
1. I do the extrovert exceptionally well. So well in fact, that people expect it out of me in social situations. I'm the motivator, the entertainer, the mingler. When I don't act this way people who know me wonder what's wrong with me?
2. Playing the role of extrovert takes a huge toll on me emotional and physically. I can do it, but it doesn't energize me. Quite the contrary, I'm drained. My kids noticed a definite difference in me when they observed my extroverted behavior at work and leading groups and then saw me crash and withdraw at home. It was hard for them to reconcile the two sides of their mom.
3. I am most balanced between sensing and the intuitive (N and S), while there is very little Thinking in me--I'm off the scale into Feeling (T and F). I can be a planner (J), but generally function more naturally flying by the seat of my pants (P). I think that has something to do with the perfectionist in me. I can live by the datebook and rules, but if you're more happy-go-lucky then you're less likely to screw up when you just take things as they come. You're also less disappointed and growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home planning only led to disappointment so why bother?
4. Now, here's what has struck me this weekend---and why I'm even thinking about these things at all. I have developed into quite an I (introverted) personality. This could be due in part to not having much of any outlet for my extrovert (not necessary for my job and not leading in any other capacities of my life right now).

Since Nelson has been home from the hospital Ann has been here with Penelope. I love them. I am so happy that they are here to help. But with them here, Nelson here 24/7, and Beth being here I don't have any quiet alone time. Right now my computer is offline (Annie upgraded to XP and my Netgear utility didn't transfer so I'm waiting for a service call to fix that) so I'm using the computer in Beth's room. I feel like I'm intruding in her space so I wait till she's at work. This afternoon, Rhonda and Steve are coming to visit. I dearly love them and will be happy to see them. Oh, and Travis came over yesterday morning--he's been missing Annie and Penelope.

So I have a houseful of people--whom I love and treasure--and yet I look at it with an unusal level of dread. This feels very odd to me and I'm not liking it much. I'm sort of hoping the baby gets fussy so I can take her for a walk. I did that twice yesterday, and although it was extremely warm and humid, I welcomed the peaceful escape (Penelope fell asleep almost the instant the stroller wheels started turning).

And that feels selfish to me. The guilt arises because my family doesn't understand the introverted part of me and the downtime I require. Because I have been so "good" at wearing the mask and playing the extrovert role, that's what they expect. I've created a monster: me. And I'm not quite sure how to change the roles.

Now I would pooh-pooh anyone else who felt that way, but haven't quite mustered up the gracefulness for myself. Something to work on I guess.

So while I ponder my personal personality dilemma, y'all have a blessed day and if you're in a place where there'll be fireworks tonight--Enjoy!

Here's the Latest

WEDNESDAY:
Nelson spent most of the day waiting to know what was going to happen next. In PT he convinced them that he couldn’t maneuver the steps so they ordered an ambulette to transport him home. I went straight to the hospital after wok (steel toe shoes and uniform still on) so that I could give Nelson a bed bath and gather his belongings.

When the transport people arrived they didn’t have a big enough wheel chair for Nelson so we had to wait on that. We pointed out to the one woman who was responsible for the transport that there were steps into the house and she had to call for back up. Back up came from a town over 30mi away. When they all got to the house Nelson was taken from the wheel chair, put on a cot, and wheeled into the house. He’s been in the hospital bed ever since.

I have a pic of the hardware that Beth took. She sent it to me in an email. I sent it to my Uncle in AZ so my mom could see it and to Nelson’s mom in Toledo, but I don’t know how to load it into here.

It has been good to have Ann and Penelope here. Penelope does a wonderful job of keeping Nelson entertained and Ann has been cooking so Nelson has been eating a little more.

FRIDAY:
Well we got some bad news today. It just seems like a constant stream of two steps forward and three steps back. It was good news that Nelson was/is covered by Workman’s Comp. It’s a good thing that Workman’s comp pays 60% of a person’s wage when they are laid up. So what’s the bad news?

The 60% is based on the past 6 months of wages. That would be the 6 months that Nelson was working and not getting paid. And 60% of next to nothing is…drum roll please: a big fat nothing.

And wait there’s more…the cost of the ambulette may not be covered for the ride home and definitely isn’t covered for next week’s visit to the doctor. The ride home cost about $875.00. Yehaw.

Nelson has taken less pain meds today. But his foot is swelling. Oh, and best of all—he hasn’t had a bowel movement since last Thursday. We were just talking about it. If something doesn’t move by Monday we’ll call his home health nurse. Yippeeeee.

Well, we just had our entertainment for the evening. In addition to us all watching Jeopardy (Ann, Beth, Penelope, Nelson and me), then Ann gave Nelson a shave. Oh my what an absolute hoot!

I guess that’s how life is here…frustration wrapped in laughter.

Quick Update

Very quick!

I worked yesterday—per Nelson’s instructions. There was plenty going on to keep my mind occupied. He finally saw the doc about 2pm—not very long before surgery. I was wanting to get to the hospital right away, but of course I was stopped on my out of the building.

I did meet with my PO and she did approve the NASCAR race! I’m so excited—Now we have to get Nelson ready and able. While I was in her office the sky opened up and down came the rain. The storm rumbled through the area and the warning came out for “dangerous lightening.”

I decided not to drive to the hospital in pouring rain and rush hour traffic so I spent a little time checking things on the computer before I left. I arrived at the Surgery Waiting Room desk just as the doc did to give me the details.

Nelson did have the initial operation where they “stretched” him back out. He has a rod through his heel and one at his knee. Rhonda had tried to prepare me for all the hardware, but there’s no way to be ready for that. Nelson was hurting really badly. He will have the hardware for at least 10 days. He has an appointment next Tuesday at the Doc's office. The next surgery will be for the reconstruction of the ankle...Yehaw!

I stayed for a few hours, but he barely knew I was there so shortly after 9pm I left. I got lost in downtown Akron coming home, but was able to trust my pitiful sense of direction to get me back to the freeway. It worked!

I’m tired and would really rather go back to bad, but it’s not in the cards today. Have to work and then Annie and Penelope will be here later and Nelson may come home today.

Thanks for all your prayers!!! They mean so much to me as does all your support, care, and encouragement. Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

A Few More Answers...A Little More ControlI

I went to work for a couple hours this morning. It went well. I had a chance to talk with Buddy for a few minutes. When I started talking about Nelson’s constant pain I just broke down. I must have known that he would understand.

I got to the Medina hospital around 10:15. PT came and got Nelson up and he hopped toward the door. Just as he got close the door his nurse walked in. She announced to us that the ambulance would be there in a half hour to take him to Akron General Hospital and his surgery was scheduled for tomorrow at 4:30. Finally, something definite.

I got Nelson bathed and dressed and we were wondering how late they would be when they walked into the room—early! Imagine that. I was able to get to the new hospital, even though the directions were incorrect. As I walked down the hall to Nelson’s room I saw him laying on the gurney in the hall. That seemed a little odd, but not compared to how odd it was that there wasn’t a bed in the room—and the way the nurses kept apologizing since they had been asking for a bed for hours since they knew he was coming. Sure would have been nice if someone would have let us know. Sheesh. But the fun continued when the bed arrived and then didn’t work. Can you say comedy of errors.

They had quite a bit of trouble finding a vein for an IV and then later for one for the vampire to get bloodwork before surgery. Took 3 nurses each time. We giggled all the way trough it He looked so silly laying there in bed with his Ernie (of Sesame Street) t-shirt on.

We don’t know anynmore details, but it feels good to have him there and know that his surgery is scheduled.

Nelson has insisted that I go to work tomorrow. He says he doesn’t understand why I would want to just sit there with him. I guess it’s a guy thing…at least that’s what some of the guys at work said. They said they’d feel the same way. So I’ll be working. and then heading to the hospital after work—well really, after I stop for a visit with my PO. Gotta get that permission to go to the race.

A couple of things I’ve noticed….First, I want to apologize for ranting on the way I did. I had to sit back and think about where all the frustration was coming from. And I think what got to me the most was the total lack of control. I have never done well when I don’t feel any control. If this was a test I don’t think I did very well. Sigh. I started out okay, but the longer it seemed to with uncertainty I just crumbled. Definitely need to work here.

Then, I scared myself this morning. I used to find my totally identity in my work. I worked myself to death: spiritually and emotionally. I got to the plant at 6:15am this morning. I went in that early to get started on correcting the packaging problem from Friday. As I stood there with sweat dripping off me, working in the half-lit area, I just stopped. There was only so much I could do…there was only so much I was going to try to do. I was going to line things out and delegate it out. Work would go on without me. I needed to be with my husband—whether he wanted me to be there or not. As I stood there in the dark with the truth dawning on me, I also began to feel a much deeper sense of relief and peace.

There’s one more thing I’ve really been wrestling with the past few days, since Nelson fell. The whole reason we moved up here was for Nelson to supervise the building of this huge house. We felt so strongly that we were to move here and it has been nothing but difficult from the get go. And now this? It’s hard not to wonder if we misread. It’s hard not to question. By the end of the day, I heard myself say to a couple different people that this was sure a round about way to get me to my factory job. Is that what this really was all about? Lots of questions…and hopefully a lot of time to answer them.

Well, how’s that for an update? I’ll let you know how surgery goes. Until then, sweet dreams.

What Plans?

I’m home and I’m miffed. I am in full-blown stressed out mode. I spent the day at the hospital with Nelson. We watched the race together. I was getting ready to leave when the orthopedic doc who was referring us out stopped by. Here’s his plan:
-I will go to work to fix a problem that I found right at quitting time on Friday that has to be done first thing so that it can be shipped out (this involves unpacking 2 skids of packed parts that didn’t get a sticker on them designed for all shipments going to Mexico…a horrible oversight by the people running the line, but thankfully caught before they shipped). I will also line out the work for the day and make sure that it is done correctly.
-Nelson will have a session with PT in the morning to teach him how to walk. In his three sessions with PT he has stood up twice taken a couple of sideways scooch steps and then today moved over to sit in the chair. So in a session they are going to teach him how walk, get up a couple steps, and get in and out of a car.
-I will call the doctor’s office in Akron to see when I get a doctor’s appointment. I am hoping that I can get one where I go straight from the hospital to the clinic. If I can’t get him in until Tuesday, I will then bring him home.
-While I’m either at work or in the process of transporting Nelson, Dave, Steve, and Mook will deliver the hospital bed to my house.
-Nelson will hopefully be seen by the surgeon and some type of work will be done on his leg and ankle.

My head hurts with all the maybes and hopefullies. I want to stomp my foot and tell someone to just give me a straight answer and not all these uncertainties. Why is that so much to ask for?

I had to call Ed to tell him about my situation. I called his cell, but obviously he and his wife had exchanged phones. He is on his way to his dad’s in West Virginia because his dad is dying. So I had to call Buddy. I feel badly because I’m having to miss work, but more so because I can’t tell them how much I’m going to have to miss because I can’t get anyone to give an answer on that.

So now I’ve vented a little to the daughter and she’s ready to rush over, but I told her that I need her here when Nelson gets home. I think it will be way too difficult to move him about and keep Penelope corralled. She wasn’t really happy with my way of thinking, but I think I was forceful enough to keep her from jumping in the car right that minute.

I ranted a little to Rhonda, who immediately wanted to fix everything. It can’t be fixed. I am at the mercy of a doc who hasn’t even seen the x-rays and his very busy schedule (show me a doc who doesn’t have a busy schedule and I’ll immediately ask why and doubt his ability). She works for an orthopedic group and is trying to get me to bring Nelson to them. I just don’t feel good about that. It’s not that I don’t trust her or her docs---but think about how it would be if something went wrong. I don’t want to leave a foothold for resentment. Does that make any sense?

I need to go to bed, but my mind is racing. I think I’m going to go get a glass of milk and play a couple scrabble boards and drift off into sleep. Tomorrow could be a very long day.

Hope your dreams are sweet and your plans clear!

Ankle Update

Told you I’d be back with an update…It’s not much, but here we go with what I know…

I was supposed to get tires before I went to the hospital. I went to the tire place, but they already had a line and the guy told me that it would be AT LEAST an hour and a half. Too long. I decided to chance another trip on the iffy tire.

I got to the hospital a little after 9am. Nelson was in pain and grumpy from not sleeping. The respiratory tech said that she couldn’t authorize giving him a machine set to his high of a setting without a doctor’s verification. I started asking about them providing a C-Pap before we went to Nelson’s room. They assured me the hospital would provide. Grrr. If they would have told me early enough I would have run home and got it—it didn’t matter that it would be a 2hr round trip. Needless to say he didn’t sleep well and it was like someone sucked all his humor out of him.

PT arrived at about 9:45am. The problem with this was Nelson’s pain meds had worn off and he was counting minutes until his next dose. The poor gal from PT was the recipient of some unanticipated ire from Nelson. He hadn’t slept, he was hurting pretty bad, and he couldn’t imagine how he was going to stand up and walk. It took three of us and all Nelson’s strength to get to him scooted to the edge of the bed and then get him upright. I was starting to get really nervous. How in the world was I going to be able to do that?

Our friends, Steve and Rhonda, showed up a little after noon. We visited for a while and then they took me to lunch in the cafeteria. We talked so long that we missed Nelson’s second go around with the PT lady. This one went a little better since he had some pain meds about 15min before the torture session.

We got a call from Dave (Nelson’s boss). Linda, his wife, had gotten a hospital bed when her dad lived with them before he died. So they’re going to bring it down on Monday evening. It’ll be quite a blessing to have that.

I finally came home after Nelson ate his dinner. It was very cold in the room. I was wrapped up in one of the hospital blankets. Tomorrow I’m going to dress a little warmer. Even saying that sounds crazy since it was near 100 degrees here yesterday. We had a storm in the evening and thankfully it cooled things down quite nicely!

I think I’ve mentioned with sufficient repetition that Nelson is quite the special guy. He’s not a constant romantic, but he makes a darn good effort and I appreciate all he does. From the beginning of marriage we have celebrated three anniversaries a year: the anniversary of our first date (Oct 8), the anniversary of our engagement (July 15) and our wedding anniversary (Feb 17). He never forgets these dates and always does something very sweet to commemorate them.

For about the last few weeks he’s had this sheepish grin on and kept telling me that he couldn’t wait till the July anniversary, that I was just going to love my gift. Over and over I heard this. Thursday right after dinner, we were sitting in the living room talking with our friend Mook (guy who used to work with me who got fired and now works with Nelson building the house—I feed him dinner every night…or did). All of a sudden, Nelson blurts out that he just can’t keep it a secret anymore and he hands me an envelope. I open it up and there are two tickets to the Brickyard 400 in Indianapolis (a NASCAR race) for August 6. I’m so excited!!!! I hope he’s better enough by then to go. More importantly: I hope my PO will let me go.

About church…Nelson and I had decided on Thursday that we were going to “check out” the church near us that we’ve been watching on TV together. We live in Ashland, Ohio. This just happens to be headquarters for a couple different brands of Brethren Churches. The church we were going to go to is a Brethren Church. Several people associated with the Transformation Network attend there as do several people from work, so I was thinking it would be a good place to start our search. It offers traditional, contemporary, and way contemporary services. The pastor has some thought provoking messages. Several of my seminary (and two of my most favorite) profs attend there. And it’s only a couple blocks from home—I like the idea of being able to walk to church. But….with everything that went down on Friday I didn’t get a chance to call the pastor or my PO so I will try for next Sunday and just worship from my living room before I head to the hospital.

Have a super Sunday!!!