Yesterday we drove over to Annie’s to take Penelope all her garage sale goodies. She was absolutely delightful as she played with them all, laughing and squealing with each new toy or try. When Annie was fixing dinner Pnel came over and asked me to pick her up. Annie doesn’t always oblige this request, but Gramms can’t resist. So I picked her up. We went over to the chaise and played “pull the things out of Pepa’s pockets” (much to Nelson’s total delight!). After a couple of yawns Pnel was out like a light and took her nap all nuzzled into me. It was a precious time---worth the trip alone. I tried to lay her down when Annie called us for dinner, but I was too clumsy and she woke up. She ended up sitting on my lap and eating most of my mashed potatoes and some of my meatloaf. I didn’t mind sharing! Annie says I spoil her. I say it’s my job!
It was a gorgeous day to travel across the state, weather-wise. My senses were really tuned in as we made our trek and my mind was racing to take in all the data. It made me sort of wonder what other people think of when they drive. Here are some of my observations:
-I saw the most dead deer at the side of the road or median that I have ever seen in one trip. It made me very alert on the way home!
-Our winter was very hard on the trees. The broken limbs and split trunks from the ice storm in late December continues to grab me. Driving past tree lines marked by brokenness makes me sad. A new one I noticed was a split tree where the fallen portion landed on the back end of an old farmhouse. Not the way I want to get a skylight.
-Do Speed Limit signs mean anything? About half of our trip is on 2 lane state route. I normally drive between 55 and 59. This route is dotted typically with half hidden State Highway cars hunting for speeders. I can’t remember how many cars went flying by me, but there were quite a few. Close to Annie’s a big SUV flew around me (we were on the 4 lane then and I was cruising at about 68mph), as he passed me we came under an overpass and there sat the Statie. He was so caught.
-Ohio farmers are amazing. Every field had a tractor or sometimes two out working the fields. There were several still out on our way home, way after dark. The weather has been so conducive to getting the fields prepped for planting. When we were coming home it smelled good. There was just a hint of fresh dirt in the air. Only one spot left us gagging since it appeared that they had cleaned out the barn that day…peuiiiiieeeee!
-Flowering trees make me smile, so I was smiling a lot yesterday. And the greening of the earth makes my heart feel like it’s breathing again! I just love spring. It’s about birth, life, and beauty! (to me anyway)
Nelson is taking a nap right now. In a little bit he’ll be heading over to his parents’ in Toledo. His dad is having surgery tomorrow. The surgeons will be performing about 4 different procedures related to his kidneys, bladder, and urinary tract. They did a scope last month and there was such a large amount of cloudiness that they’re not sure what they’re going to find when they get in there. The one word they haven’t said is cancer, but I am concerned that’s what they may find. My father had bladder cancer and it was the root cause for his death (at 53yrs old) back in ’89. I know that this is on Nelson’s mind. He and his dad aren’t real close—his dad is an alcoholic that seems to take delight in belittling Nelson at every opportunity. Nelson is going over to support his mom while she waits.
I guess I’ll end this before it becomes a novel. I guess that would be novel. LOL.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Wisdom and Chimes
Okay. I’m 48. I don’t feel as old as that sounds. Well, sort of. I worked really hard today and I’m walking like an 80 year old woman: stiff and slow. Here’s an idea of how hard I’ve worked: the team came back to work on Thursday last week and we did 480 parts. On Friday we upped that to 816. Today we did 1254!
But back to being 48. I was thinking about how fast the time has gone. I reflected on some of the really stupid things I’ve done and the big mistakes I’ve made. That got sort of depressing so I decided to think about some of the wisdom that has come with 48 years of living. Here’s some of it:
-First, I have figured out that it’s okay to be 48. That probably doesn’t sound like much, but a few years ago when I lost my career and seemingly my future I couldn’t say that or imagine it. Quite honestly, I was afraid. I didn’t know how to be anything other than what I was: a pastor and a counselor. I had done thinking service oriented jobs all my working days as an adult. What was I going to do? At nearly 50, how was I going to start all over? I had no idea what God had in store.
-I used to compare myself to weebles and Gumby. But I am not either. I’m not Wonder Woman either. Remember Weebles? “Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.” They might not, but I know how to: get arrogant, think your indispensable, avoid accountability, compartmentalize life, and ignore the wise counsel of caring friends—oh and think you’re perfect or need to be perfect and therefore fail to ask for help because of how vulnerable that will make you look.
I’m also not Gumby. It’s good to be flexible, but absolutes do exist and need to be heeded. It’s okay to say no and enough. Boundaries are necessary.
As for Wonder Woman…I would look horrible in the costume but beyond that the only super power I have comes from God.
Well, that’s about as profound as I can get these days. My job is making me weary. I haven’t worked full-time since October 2001. Back then I could and did run myself to death. I tried to function on little to know sleep. I’ve had a couple jobs since then, but they were part-time and really not that difficult.
My job now is also physically demanding. As a pastor and counselor my jobs were more emotionally and cerebrally challenging. The last few nights I took a mild sleeping aid so that I wouldn’t wake up forty times with the pain in my shoulders and arm and the numbness in my right hand. I think it will get better as I get more in shape. My hand is less numb this week than last!
That sounds a lot like I’m complaining. I’m not. I honestly enjoy my job—for the most part. Ed keeps commenting on how pleased he is that I’m on top of things. I just somehow to be able to be one thought ahead of him. My biggest blooper today was that I forgot to order bubble wrap. It’s not where everything else is and I overlooked it. Fortunately, the company we order from can get it here tomorrow. Crisis averted!
I was thinking today of how I could put the 21 year old on a point sheet. The place I used to work was an agency that worked with kids in out of home placements. In our group homes the behavior system was point based: earn for positive behavior and loose for negative. I was thinking, “Yeah, I’ll put her on a point sheet and then she’ll see all the problems I see.
About that time that annoying little chime sound went off in my head. The one that sounds when I’m missing the point. Do you ever hear that? Anyway, I remembered another part of the point strategy. This behavior system was founded on positive praise and it’s ability to shape behavior. So the strategy for the “teaching parents” (and all others working with the kids) was to strive to have a ratio of 4:1. Four positives for every negative. You literally had to catch the kid doing four things right for every time you pointed out a negative. That’s not always easy. The trick (I mean strategy) was then to create opportunities for the youth to earn the positive praise and thereby avoid the negative. The more positives earned the better the youth feels, the more privileges they earn, and the sooner they get to move out of the group home.
So back to the 21 year old. I’m thinking of the many ways I can point out all her errors when that chime sounds and I am face to face with the fact that I hadn’t been pointing out the things she was doing well. I wasn’t looking because I was so irritated with her for all her screw ups. Okay, okay. Note to self: watch for (create if necessary) opportunities to praise the 21 year old. I’ll report back later as to how we’re doing.
Well, the 21 year old that lives in my house requested spicy Chinese rice for supper (it’s loaded with chicken and broccoli too) so I better get to it…or it will be bedtime before I know it.
But back to being 48. I was thinking about how fast the time has gone. I reflected on some of the really stupid things I’ve done and the big mistakes I’ve made. That got sort of depressing so I decided to think about some of the wisdom that has come with 48 years of living. Here’s some of it:
-First, I have figured out that it’s okay to be 48. That probably doesn’t sound like much, but a few years ago when I lost my career and seemingly my future I couldn’t say that or imagine it. Quite honestly, I was afraid. I didn’t know how to be anything other than what I was: a pastor and a counselor. I had done thinking service oriented jobs all my working days as an adult. What was I going to do? At nearly 50, how was I going to start all over? I had no idea what God had in store.
-I used to compare myself to weebles and Gumby. But I am not either. I’m not Wonder Woman either. Remember Weebles? “Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.” They might not, but I know how to: get arrogant, think your indispensable, avoid accountability, compartmentalize life, and ignore the wise counsel of caring friends—oh and think you’re perfect or need to be perfect and therefore fail to ask for help because of how vulnerable that will make you look.
I’m also not Gumby. It’s good to be flexible, but absolutes do exist and need to be heeded. It’s okay to say no and enough. Boundaries are necessary.
As for Wonder Woman…I would look horrible in the costume but beyond that the only super power I have comes from God.
Well, that’s about as profound as I can get these days. My job is making me weary. I haven’t worked full-time since October 2001. Back then I could and did run myself to death. I tried to function on little to know sleep. I’ve had a couple jobs since then, but they were part-time and really not that difficult.
My job now is also physically demanding. As a pastor and counselor my jobs were more emotionally and cerebrally challenging. The last few nights I took a mild sleeping aid so that I wouldn’t wake up forty times with the pain in my shoulders and arm and the numbness in my right hand. I think it will get better as I get more in shape. My hand is less numb this week than last!
That sounds a lot like I’m complaining. I’m not. I honestly enjoy my job—for the most part. Ed keeps commenting on how pleased he is that I’m on top of things. I just somehow to be able to be one thought ahead of him. My biggest blooper today was that I forgot to order bubble wrap. It’s not where everything else is and I overlooked it. Fortunately, the company we order from can get it here tomorrow. Crisis averted!
I was thinking today of how I could put the 21 year old on a point sheet. The place I used to work was an agency that worked with kids in out of home placements. In our group homes the behavior system was point based: earn for positive behavior and loose for negative. I was thinking, “Yeah, I’ll put her on a point sheet and then she’ll see all the problems I see.
About that time that annoying little chime sound went off in my head. The one that sounds when I’m missing the point. Do you ever hear that? Anyway, I remembered another part of the point strategy. This behavior system was founded on positive praise and it’s ability to shape behavior. So the strategy for the “teaching parents” (and all others working with the kids) was to strive to have a ratio of 4:1. Four positives for every negative. You literally had to catch the kid doing four things right for every time you pointed out a negative. That’s not always easy. The trick (I mean strategy) was then to create opportunities for the youth to earn the positive praise and thereby avoid the negative. The more positives earned the better the youth feels, the more privileges they earn, and the sooner they get to move out of the group home.
So back to the 21 year old. I’m thinking of the many ways I can point out all her errors when that chime sounds and I am face to face with the fact that I hadn’t been pointing out the things she was doing well. I wasn’t looking because I was so irritated with her for all her screw ups. Okay, okay. Note to self: watch for (create if necessary) opportunities to praise the 21 year old. I’ll report back later as to how we’re doing.
Well, the 21 year old that lives in my house requested spicy Chinese rice for supper (it’s loaded with chicken and broccoli too) so I better get to it…or it will be bedtime before I know it.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
My Day
This was no way to start my birthday. At 1:30 I finally got out of bed and went downstairs to try and sleep in the chair. I had been turning in the bed like I was on a rotisserie. I was coughing to beat the band. And the heartburn was killer. I ended up getting on the computer and being awake until nearly 4:30.
Funny thing is when I finally woke up at 7:00am I felt rested and fine. Except for the numbness in my hand. I overdid it at work yesterday and last night every muscle and joint felt like it was weighted with led. I figured if I was sitting in the chair I wouldn’t be tempted to roll around.
So I’ve had my hazelnut coffee and a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. I think I’m purring. We’re planning to spend the afternoon and evening with our friends/family Steve and Rhonda in Elyria. Rhonda suggested a movie, and though Nelson liked the idea of movie popcorn, he wasn’t interested in her selection (Miss Congeniality 2). I guess we’re just going to dinner and maybe play some cards.
Yesterday I had a nice surprise at work. I was planning to work through my break doing paperwork sitting at my desk. I walked into my office and found a beautiful springtime bouquet of flowers “From Your Babies.” I was so delighted. There’s nothing quite like getting flowers at work. Annie took the lead on this one. She asked Nelson what kind of flowers I would like. He told her (and quite correctly) that a bouquet of daisies would be best. So that’s what she ordered. I got the prettiest arrangement of 3 pink carnations, 2 orchids, a purple iris, some other purple flowers and an assortment of weedy looking filler that is quite pretty in a vase with a pink bow. When Nelson walked in he immediately noted that it wasn’t Annie ordered. So when she called I told her it was lovely, but not what she had wanted to get for me. She was quite hot as she paid too much and had been very specific. She had called several florists and was assured that she was getting daisies. I’d hate to be on the other end of that line his morning! She gets her temper from her father…..
Well, I’m going to get out of here. I think we’re going to hit some garage sales. I love finding treasures and bargains! Have a grrrrreat day! TTFN.
Funny thing is when I finally woke up at 7:00am I felt rested and fine. Except for the numbness in my hand. I overdid it at work yesterday and last night every muscle and joint felt like it was weighted with led. I figured if I was sitting in the chair I wouldn’t be tempted to roll around.
So I’ve had my hazelnut coffee and a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. I think I’m purring. We’re planning to spend the afternoon and evening with our friends/family Steve and Rhonda in Elyria. Rhonda suggested a movie, and though Nelson liked the idea of movie popcorn, he wasn’t interested in her selection (Miss Congeniality 2). I guess we’re just going to dinner and maybe play some cards.
Yesterday I had a nice surprise at work. I was planning to work through my break doing paperwork sitting at my desk. I walked into my office and found a beautiful springtime bouquet of flowers “From Your Babies.” I was so delighted. There’s nothing quite like getting flowers at work. Annie took the lead on this one. She asked Nelson what kind of flowers I would like. He told her (and quite correctly) that a bouquet of daisies would be best. So that’s what she ordered. I got the prettiest arrangement of 3 pink carnations, 2 orchids, a purple iris, some other purple flowers and an assortment of weedy looking filler that is quite pretty in a vase with a pink bow. When Nelson walked in he immediately noted that it wasn’t Annie ordered. So when she called I told her it was lovely, but not what she had wanted to get for me. She was quite hot as she paid too much and had been very specific. She had called several florists and was assured that she was getting daisies. I’d hate to be on the other end of that line his morning! She gets her temper from her father…..
Well, I’m going to get out of here. I think we’re going to hit some garage sales. I love finding treasures and bargains! Have a grrrrreat day! TTFN.
Interview from JettyBetty
1. Most of your blogs are so positive--can you tell us why?
The glass is half full and I am thankful for it. I have always looked for the positive in the situations where I find myself. I sat here and pondered this for a while. There are three kids in my family. I’m the oldest and the most overtly optimistic. My brother is two years younger and is the pragmatic realist. My sister is two years younger than my brother and she is the epitome of Eeyore: the fatalistic pessimist.
So partly, it is my role to have been and be positive. And partly it is my joy. One of my favorite illustrations to this point is about a two kids. Both are left in rooms full of poop. The first child is soon found sitting in the corner crying about all the poop. The second child is found furiously digging around in the poop. When asked why, the response is: well if there’s this much poop in here there must be a pony, too. I’m always looking for the pony.
2. Does your family know you blog? What do they think of it?
Yes. My younger daughter helped me get started with an online diary. I maintain that diary and she posted to it while I was in jail. When she really wants to know what is going on in me she goes and reads it. She hasn’t found this blog. My husband appreciates that I have a place to express myself and marvels at the amazing support I have received from people. He wants to know when I’m going to start writing a book about all the things I blog about. My older daughter knows, but isn’t much interested unless the younger daughter fills her in on something.
3. If/when you and your granddaughter, Penelope, spend a day together, what would you choose to do?
Penelope is total busyness and activity. We would take a walk, play at the part, eat whatever we wanted, and laugh and laugh, and laugh! I would spend most of the day on the floor playing with her and loving every minute of it.
4. You say you would like to write a book--what do you think it will be on?
I would like to write a devotional commentary on the book of Philippians and perhaps a book on my experience of grace in brokenness.
5. You have gobs of graduate hours in religion/ministry. How has taking academic classes in Bible changed you?
I have a totally insatiable appetite for study and learning. Changed me? Enriced me. Challenged me. Opened me. Sent me to my knees in prayer. Blessed me. Humbled me. And may it continue to do so.
This continues to be very challenging to me. I like the way the questions push me to think in areas I might not go on my own.
The glass is half full and I am thankful for it. I have always looked for the positive in the situations where I find myself. I sat here and pondered this for a while. There are three kids in my family. I’m the oldest and the most overtly optimistic. My brother is two years younger and is the pragmatic realist. My sister is two years younger than my brother and she is the epitome of Eeyore: the fatalistic pessimist.
So partly, it is my role to have been and be positive. And partly it is my joy. One of my favorite illustrations to this point is about a two kids. Both are left in rooms full of poop. The first child is soon found sitting in the corner crying about all the poop. The second child is found furiously digging around in the poop. When asked why, the response is: well if there’s this much poop in here there must be a pony, too. I’m always looking for the pony.
2. Does your family know you blog? What do they think of it?
Yes. My younger daughter helped me get started with an online diary. I maintain that diary and she posted to it while I was in jail. When she really wants to know what is going on in me she goes and reads it. She hasn’t found this blog. My husband appreciates that I have a place to express myself and marvels at the amazing support I have received from people. He wants to know when I’m going to start writing a book about all the things I blog about. My older daughter knows, but isn’t much interested unless the younger daughter fills her in on something.
3. If/when you and your granddaughter, Penelope, spend a day together, what would you choose to do?
Penelope is total busyness and activity. We would take a walk, play at the part, eat whatever we wanted, and laugh and laugh, and laugh! I would spend most of the day on the floor playing with her and loving every minute of it.
4. You say you would like to write a book--what do you think it will be on?
I would like to write a devotional commentary on the book of Philippians and perhaps a book on my experience of grace in brokenness.
5. You have gobs of graduate hours in religion/ministry. How has taking academic classes in Bible changed you?
I have a totally insatiable appetite for study and learning. Changed me? Enriced me. Challenged me. Opened me. Sent me to my knees in prayer. Blessed me. Humbled me. And may it continue to do so.
This continues to be very challenging to me. I like the way the questions push me to think in areas I might not go on my own.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Interview from CindyLou
1. If you were a song, what song would you be? Why?
Classical Gas. I absolutely love that song. It is fun and full of energy.
2. What do you want your grand children to remember the most about you? Why?
I want them to remember my love for them and my love for God. I want them to know I was playful and that I was there for them.
3. Besides Jesus, who from the bible do you most want to meet in heaven? Why?
This is an interesting question. I think I’d like to meet Mary Magdaline. I want to sit and talk with her about how amazing it was to feel so completely forgivent that she would enter that house and annoint Jesus. That or I would want to meet the Samaritan woman of John 4 and ask her what her name is because I think it’s sad that she is unnamed.
4. Cake, ice cream, or both? Why?
Cake. I never liked to mix the two and I’ve never been much of an ice cream eater.
5. What's your favorite scripture? Why?
Matthew 11:29-30 especially from The Message:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythyms of grace I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
followed very closely by Mark 1:40-42
40 A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. "If you want to, you can make me well again," he said. 41 Moved with pity, F8 Jesus touched him. "I want to," he said. "Be healed!" 42 Instantly the leprosy disappeared – the man was healed.
The first “fav” speaks so to my heart and always has. I especially like the concept of the “rhythms of grace.” Besides I need help to learn to live freely and lightly.
The second is the amazing truth about Jesus touching the leprous man before he healed him. What an amazing touch that must have been! He was willing then…he’s willing now.
Anybody want to be interviewed by me?
Classical Gas. I absolutely love that song. It is fun and full of energy.
2. What do you want your grand children to remember the most about you? Why?
I want them to remember my love for them and my love for God. I want them to know I was playful and that I was there for them.
3. Besides Jesus, who from the bible do you most want to meet in heaven? Why?
This is an interesting question. I think I’d like to meet Mary Magdaline. I want to sit and talk with her about how amazing it was to feel so completely forgivent that she would enter that house and annoint Jesus. That or I would want to meet the Samaritan woman of John 4 and ask her what her name is because I think it’s sad that she is unnamed.
4. Cake, ice cream, or both? Why?
Cake. I never liked to mix the two and I’ve never been much of an ice cream eater.
5. What's your favorite scripture? Why?
Matthew 11:29-30 especially from The Message:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythyms of grace I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
followed very closely by Mark 1:40-42
40 A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. "If you want to, you can make me well again," he said. 41 Moved with pity, F8 Jesus touched him. "I want to," he said. "Be healed!" 42 Instantly the leprosy disappeared – the man was healed.
The first “fav” speaks so to my heart and always has. I especially like the concept of the “rhythms of grace.” Besides I need help to learn to live freely and lightly.
The second is the amazing truth about Jesus touching the leprous man before he healed him. What an amazing touch that must have been! He was willing then…he’s willing now.
Anybody want to be interviewed by me?
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Packaging Specialist
I think I know how Joseph felt. You remember Joseph. His dad gave him that awesome coat and he was so excited he went to show his brothers and they were really ticked off!
Today they cleaned out the office that is going to be mine. They put a desk and file cabinet in it. Let me pick out desk stuff (stapler, tape dispenser, etc.). I was so excited. The ‘piesta resitance’ was that Ed put a sign on the door that says: My Name, Packaging Specialist. It was so cool. I wanted to celebrate. It took all of my self-control not to squeal with delight.
The reason I felt like Joseph is that like his jealous and upset brothers in the midst of my want to celebrate I sensed that my coworkers were extremely jealous and put off by my getting an office. The newbie isn’t supposed to get an office. The newbie needs to keep their place on the bottom of the totem pole. Otherwise they look uppity.
There was a lot of whispering going on with long and angry faces. I asked Ed (plant manager) if he thought that his action was going to result in hurt feelings. I hate hurting people’s feelings. One of my strengths is that I am sensitive about other people’s feeling. One of my weaknesses is that the opinions and feelings matter too much to me and often dictate my actions. (Sigh)
Ed had a really good response. He said that he had been thinking about that very thing and that I shouldn’t worry about it. He told me that he felt that my arrival there was totally timed by God. They had wanted to hire someone to oversee the packaging but when there was a possibility the work wasn’t there. When I started working not only was there someone the company felt could do the job, but the big contract the company had been waiting for came through. Ed showed me an email from Timken (who we have the packaging contract with) that said they were going to be sending us 20,000 parts in the rest of April and May. That’s significant. The team is going to be working. This is good news.
So the real question tonight has nothing to do with anyone else’s feelings. It has to do with Winnie the Pooh. I have quite a collection and now I have an office where I can display some. I feel pretty good about not obsessing over my coworkers and I’m pretty psyched about the joy of decorating.
I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
PS: for Dreaming Again...As for my blogger name: Corner Chair
When I was growing up, I "inherited" my mom's old chair from the living room. I put it in the corner by the window. I had my stereo close by. I would sit in the chair to think, to daydream out the window, to croon all my favorite heartbreak tunes--it was a wonderful place and space to be. Many years later, when we moved into our current house, I created a safe space for reading and writing: my own little corner chair. That goes then with one of my favorite songs from Cinderella (Rogers and Hammerstein) where she sings about how big her world gets and how safe she feels in her corner chair...and that's how I picked my name.
Today they cleaned out the office that is going to be mine. They put a desk and file cabinet in it. Let me pick out desk stuff (stapler, tape dispenser, etc.). I was so excited. The ‘piesta resitance’ was that Ed put a sign on the door that says: My Name, Packaging Specialist. It was so cool. I wanted to celebrate. It took all of my self-control not to squeal with delight.
The reason I felt like Joseph is that like his jealous and upset brothers in the midst of my want to celebrate I sensed that my coworkers were extremely jealous and put off by my getting an office. The newbie isn’t supposed to get an office. The newbie needs to keep their place on the bottom of the totem pole. Otherwise they look uppity.
There was a lot of whispering going on with long and angry faces. I asked Ed (plant manager) if he thought that his action was going to result in hurt feelings. I hate hurting people’s feelings. One of my strengths is that I am sensitive about other people’s feeling. One of my weaknesses is that the opinions and feelings matter too much to me and often dictate my actions. (Sigh)
Ed had a really good response. He said that he had been thinking about that very thing and that I shouldn’t worry about it. He told me that he felt that my arrival there was totally timed by God. They had wanted to hire someone to oversee the packaging but when there was a possibility the work wasn’t there. When I started working not only was there someone the company felt could do the job, but the big contract the company had been waiting for came through. Ed showed me an email from Timken (who we have the packaging contract with) that said they were going to be sending us 20,000 parts in the rest of April and May. That’s significant. The team is going to be working. This is good news.
So the real question tonight has nothing to do with anyone else’s feelings. It has to do with Winnie the Pooh. I have quite a collection and now I have an office where I can display some. I feel pretty good about not obsessing over my coworkers and I’m pretty psyched about the joy of decorating.
I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
PS: for Dreaming Again...As for my blogger name: Corner Chair
When I was growing up, I "inherited" my mom's old chair from the living room. I put it in the corner by the window. I had my stereo close by. I would sit in the chair to think, to daydream out the window, to croon all my favorite heartbreak tunes--it was a wonderful place and space to be. Many years later, when we moved into our current house, I created a safe space for reading and writing: my own little corner chair. That goes then with one of my favorite songs from Cinderella (Rogers and Hammerstein) where she sings about how big her world gets and how safe she feels in her corner chair...and that's how I picked my name.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Spring Time Happiness
Monday:
It was a good Monday. I worked hard. I wasn’t asked to do overtime. I was disappointed about that. I was afraid that I had done something to knock me off the list—paranoia can be a devastating thing. When I left I left with a lot of people so obviously it wasn’t me—only a few people stayed today.
It was nice to emerge from the factory while there was still ample daylight left. It was such a gorgeous day. I called Nelson at work to find out when he would be done. I needed—well actually wanted a couple things from Home Depot: my own box knife in a fancy color so that everyone will know it’s mine! And a pair of goggles that aren’t all scuffed up! I found a neon green knife and cool goggles so that I don’t look like a strange bug-like creature (since I have to wear goggles over my regular glasses until I can order the prescription goggles or safety glasses when insurance kicks in).
After Home Depot, Nelson and I went out to dinner. My mom always sends birthday money and we usually use part of it to eat out. We had dinner at Golden Corral. It was really nice. Afterward Nelson took me to ABC Warehouse to buy my birthday present. I’ve wanted a smallish TV for the bedroom—for several reasons. There are times when I would just like to go to bed and fall asleep watching some show. There are also times when Nelson needs to just stay in bed and having a TV would give him something to do so he would stay in bed. I also got a small CD/radio for those times when I’m all alone at work and music would help pass the time. Yay!
I was getting tired so I headed the car toward home. Nelson told me to stop at Goodwill in Ashland. I wanted a lightweight zipper sweatshirt to wear at work when it’s cold in the morning. And I found one!!! We also found a shelf/coat rack that was decorated with Cleveland Indians logo—Nelson’s favorite team. Quite nice. But the buy of the evening cost me fifty cents. We always look at the toys with Penelope in mind. There amid the junk was a Bob the Builder talking doll. Nelson is in construction and he’s bought Pnel several Bob things…like a total workbench. It’s really cute.
I’m reading two books right now. I started reading Miller’s book “Searching for God Knows What” a few weeks ago. I love his style. This is one of those books that I’m only able to read in small chunks. Most recently the chunk I was reading was talking about reading the Bible not looking for formulas but instead seeking a relationship. I’m also reading Yancey’s book “The Bible Jesus Read.” The last part described how the Hebrews were invited into a story. Quoting Perry Miller Yancey writes: When you have a covenant with God, you no longer have a ineffable, remote, unapproachable Deity; you have a God you can count on. The Hebrews and God had entered into a kind of story together and everything about their lives sent back echoes of that story (p. 29). I think it’s interesting how well the two are going together.
Tuesday:
This was an even better day. I worked on a packaging order (fortunately I had some help again) and then back to the other area. I worked on a new (to me) machine crimping hose ends—keep those fingers out of there. Then in the afternoon I got to do some real power! I cut 250ft of plastic sheething on a TABLE SAW!!!! Watch those fingers!
One of the things that made today so good was that I played CD’s while I was working. I enjoyed having music to work with. The positive input sure chased away the stinky thinking. Such a big difference! I’m so thankful for that.
Another thing that made today good was that I was asked to do overtime. Hopefully there’ll be more coming this week.
This morning started shakily…the alarm didn’t go off! Fortunately I woke up at three minutes till 6:00…that gave me a half hour to pull it all together. All those dashes to college classes paid off! I was out the door at 6:30. That felt so good that there was no way to feel bad! But trust me…I’ll make sure the alarm isn’t just set…I’ll be sure it’s on tonight!
Well, American Idol is almost over. And when it is, this little head is going to be hitting the pillow…may there be sweet things in your dreams tonight.
It was a good Monday. I worked hard. I wasn’t asked to do overtime. I was disappointed about that. I was afraid that I had done something to knock me off the list—paranoia can be a devastating thing. When I left I left with a lot of people so obviously it wasn’t me—only a few people stayed today.
It was nice to emerge from the factory while there was still ample daylight left. It was such a gorgeous day. I called Nelson at work to find out when he would be done. I needed—well actually wanted a couple things from Home Depot: my own box knife in a fancy color so that everyone will know it’s mine! And a pair of goggles that aren’t all scuffed up! I found a neon green knife and cool goggles so that I don’t look like a strange bug-like creature (since I have to wear goggles over my regular glasses until I can order the prescription goggles or safety glasses when insurance kicks in).
After Home Depot, Nelson and I went out to dinner. My mom always sends birthday money and we usually use part of it to eat out. We had dinner at Golden Corral. It was really nice. Afterward Nelson took me to ABC Warehouse to buy my birthday present. I’ve wanted a smallish TV for the bedroom—for several reasons. There are times when I would just like to go to bed and fall asleep watching some show. There are also times when Nelson needs to just stay in bed and having a TV would give him something to do so he would stay in bed. I also got a small CD/radio for those times when I’m all alone at work and music would help pass the time. Yay!
I was getting tired so I headed the car toward home. Nelson told me to stop at Goodwill in Ashland. I wanted a lightweight zipper sweatshirt to wear at work when it’s cold in the morning. And I found one!!! We also found a shelf/coat rack that was decorated with Cleveland Indians logo—Nelson’s favorite team. Quite nice. But the buy of the evening cost me fifty cents. We always look at the toys with Penelope in mind. There amid the junk was a Bob the Builder talking doll. Nelson is in construction and he’s bought Pnel several Bob things…like a total workbench. It’s really cute.
I’m reading two books right now. I started reading Miller’s book “Searching for God Knows What” a few weeks ago. I love his style. This is one of those books that I’m only able to read in small chunks. Most recently the chunk I was reading was talking about reading the Bible not looking for formulas but instead seeking a relationship. I’m also reading Yancey’s book “The Bible Jesus Read.” The last part described how the Hebrews were invited into a story. Quoting Perry Miller Yancey writes: When you have a covenant with God, you no longer have a ineffable, remote, unapproachable Deity; you have a God you can count on. The Hebrews and God had entered into a kind of story together and everything about their lives sent back echoes of that story (p. 29). I think it’s interesting how well the two are going together.
Tuesday:
This was an even better day. I worked on a packaging order (fortunately I had some help again) and then back to the other area. I worked on a new (to me) machine crimping hose ends—keep those fingers out of there. Then in the afternoon I got to do some real power! I cut 250ft of plastic sheething on a TABLE SAW!!!! Watch those fingers!
One of the things that made today so good was that I played CD’s while I was working. I enjoyed having music to work with. The positive input sure chased away the stinky thinking. Such a big difference! I’m so thankful for that.
Another thing that made today good was that I was asked to do overtime. Hopefully there’ll be more coming this week.
This morning started shakily…the alarm didn’t go off! Fortunately I woke up at three minutes till 6:00…that gave me a half hour to pull it all together. All those dashes to college classes paid off! I was out the door at 6:30. That felt so good that there was no way to feel bad! But trust me…I’ll make sure the alarm isn’t just set…I’ll be sure it’s on tonight!
Well, American Idol is almost over. And when it is, this little head is going to be hitting the pillow…may there be sweet things in your dreams tonight.
Another Interview
These are my “interview” questions from Pearls and Dreams:
1. Start with an easy one: Why did you choose your blog name?
When I was in high school the mother of one of my best friends died from cancer. This woman had a profound impact on my Christian faith and development. Though her name was Carol, she went by Daisy. While in college I took the name Daisy as my pen name for a creative writing course. Marie is my middle name. The two seemed to go weel together…so daisymarie I am.
2. In your profile, you say that you like the book Celebration of Discipline. What about that book caught your attention?
I grew up with a mom who was very rigid and disciplined so I tended to rebel by being scattered and unorganized. I used to think discipline was oppressive, certainly nothing to celebrate. This book helped me change this oppinion. I learned so much. I especially got a lot about service and study.
3. What fruits of the spirit do you think are the easiest & hardest for you to display in your life?
Easiest: love, joy, kindness, goodness, gentleness
Hardest: peace, patience, and self-control
4. In your answers to Biscotti Brain, you said you feel like a denominational mutt, do you see this as a bad thing or a good thing and why? How will this both help & hurt you in your future?
It’s funny that you picked up on that. Sometimes I wish I had a pedigree. When I was more connected to the Mennonites, I must confess I occasionally envied their history and connectiveness. I think my “muttiness” (aka eccumenicalism) enables me to feel comfortable and connected to many different people of faith. It was a definite strength when I was a chaplain…I imagine it will continue to be.
5. Where do you see God taking you in the future?
Heaven. Sorry, that’s a bit flippant. I guess the real answer is that I have no idea. I used to think it was extremely important to have the future all planned out—but not any more. I’m much more comfortable going with the flow and living for the moment. Right now I see myself working at the factory until next year, enjoying being a grammy, and reveling in the empty nest with my hubby!
Thanks for the opportunity to share!
1. Start with an easy one: Why did you choose your blog name?
When I was in high school the mother of one of my best friends died from cancer. This woman had a profound impact on my Christian faith and development. Though her name was Carol, she went by Daisy. While in college I took the name Daisy as my pen name for a creative writing course. Marie is my middle name. The two seemed to go weel together…so daisymarie I am.
2. In your profile, you say that you like the book Celebration of Discipline. What about that book caught your attention?
I grew up with a mom who was very rigid and disciplined so I tended to rebel by being scattered and unorganized. I used to think discipline was oppressive, certainly nothing to celebrate. This book helped me change this oppinion. I learned so much. I especially got a lot about service and study.
3. What fruits of the spirit do you think are the easiest & hardest for you to display in your life?
Easiest: love, joy, kindness, goodness, gentleness
Hardest: peace, patience, and self-control
4. In your answers to Biscotti Brain, you said you feel like a denominational mutt, do you see this as a bad thing or a good thing and why? How will this both help & hurt you in your future?
It’s funny that you picked up on that. Sometimes I wish I had a pedigree. When I was more connected to the Mennonites, I must confess I occasionally envied their history and connectiveness. I think my “muttiness” (aka eccumenicalism) enables me to feel comfortable and connected to many different people of faith. It was a definite strength when I was a chaplain…I imagine it will continue to be.
5. Where do you see God taking you in the future?
Heaven. Sorry, that’s a bit flippant. I guess the real answer is that I have no idea. I used to think it was extremely important to have the future all planned out—but not any more. I’m much more comfortable going with the flow and living for the moment. Right now I see myself working at the factory until next year, enjoying being a grammy, and reveling in the empty nest with my hubby!
Thanks for the opportunity to share!
Saturday, April 02, 2005
My Interview Questions
These questions are from Biscotti Brain...a true sister!
I would like to suggest Michael W. Smith’s cd “Freedom” for your listening pleasure while reading my responses to Biscotti’s questions.
1. Your blog has been a story of brokenness and of joy. What have you learned about brokenness and joy in the last few years?
I have learned so much! Where to begin…I’ve learned that being broken isn’t the worst thing. As I looked at my life in pieces before me, I scrambled to try and put it back together. Somehow I thought was my job. Crazy, huh? But no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it back.
I learned what it really means to live into the reality of 2 Corinthians 4:7…I am a cracked pot and I’m in good company and there’s no reason to lose heart!
I am learning to live in the present instead of always looking ahead. I’ve learned I don’t have to be perfect…I can’t be…and that’s okay! I have learned that when the waves begin to crash in on me because I have arrogantly gotten out of the boat and tried to walk on water, that my Savior stands before me holding out his hand.
I have seen grace in the most amazing of places and revel in God’s constant presence and provision.
2. Five months ago, you were contemplating a paper route. Yesterday you were doing a full body smile in a uniform with your name stitched on it. You seem to have a deep grasp of God's provision and faithfulness. Could you describe some of that here?
So much of my life I was trying to arrive somewhere, as if the important thing about living was getting somewhere, not being in the moment. I found my only value in what I perceived others thought about me. I had to keep working to gain that approval. If I could do enough I might be acceptable. I needed to be the best at whatever I was doing. I was competitive—driven!
I even caught myself falling into this pattern when I was in jail! It dawned on me one day that I was striving to be the best Trustee that jail ever had. It was insane. As soon as I realized it I began to see more clearly how God was working in my life.
Here’s a few examples: My former employer was very good friends with the Sheriff in the county where I was going to jail. As I was being processed in, I was asked if I wanted to be a Trustee ( a job one usually has to earn). Being a Trustee meant I didn’t have to stay in the general population cell and that I could work which would give me something to occupy my time and enable me to earn days off my sentence.
At the same time I was coming out of jail the Transformation Network was starting to expand it’s ministry. They purchased their building. Then they added a worship component for people who couldn’t attend services or who would feel uncomfortable in a traditional service. Last August, the very month we began to move into our new home here in Ashland, T-Net worked out the details and began a work program with Reineke Manufacturing. And that connection, that amazing provision made it possible for me to be involved in weekly worship and to have steady full-time job with benefits.
There are so many examples of God’s provision and faithfulness. I am so bountifully blessed. Some days I feel sad for what I have lost, but then I focus on what I have gained and I can’t help but rejoice!
3. What led you to Bible college and full-time ministry? What were your favourite aspects of both experiences?
When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a minister. My sister and I shared a bedroom and slept in twin beds. They made a perfect “sanctuary.” I would line up all our dolls and stuffed animals like they were sitting in the pews and I would use the clothes hamper as my pulpit. But I was a girl and therefore I wasn’t minister material.
When I was in 9th grade we moved to a new town and began attending a church that had a woman minister on staff. I shared my dream with her and she encouraged me to develop my gifts. That church also had a dynamic youth group and my best friend in that youth group attended Mount Vernon Nazarene College (because her uncle was the mayor of Mount Vernon and on MVNC’s board of trustees).
My parents were adament about not paying for college if I was going to go for a degree in ministry so I tried to consider other majors: audio and speech pathology or nursing. I needed to get away and think about what I was going to do so I decided to spend my spring break at MVNC with my friend. I fell in love with the school and decided it was important for me to be who I was and not who my parents wanted me to be.
I remember coming home from MVNC and telling my parents that I WAS going to MVNC and I WAS going to be a minister. I told them that if I needed to I would wait a year to go to school, work, and save up my money. They decided I was serious. We ended up compromising. They paid for school. I was a sociology major with a religion minor.
While at MVNC I joined the Nazarene Church and began the process toward ordination. The Nazarene denomination has always encouraged women in ministry, but have been slow to really create viable ministry opportunities for them.
Favorite experiences? I LOVED studying Greek and doing exegetical studies. I am a die-hard student. I have a passion for language and an insatiable desire to learn more about scripture. One of my highlights was speaking at Student Revival.
I loved preaching. I love crafting sermons. I loved coming alongside people in their happiest and saddest times of life—just journeying with them. The absolute highlight of my ministry was baptising my daughters.
4. You seem to relish the role of grandmother. Are there ways that you have been changed in exploring what it is to be a grandmother?
Yes, absolutely. I spent a lot of time wondering if anything I said or did made any difference on my girls. From the time Ann found out she was pregnant until now, I marvel at how much I know and how much my opinions are valued. I must confess it feels good!
Becoming a grandmother also helped me step into my age. In ways that I’m not exactly comfortable admitting, I was afraid to be 47. The really down side to all that was not being able to access my experience and wisdom. I was so horribly disconnected. Penelope has been the glue pulling me back together and the catalyst that made me be present.
Penelope has also given me another gift: play. I didn’t know how and didn’t value play. Being around Penelope I have rediscovered my child within and she’s quite fun!
5. You have been involved with a couple denominations, and a few different types of congregation. What kind of community of believers do you now find yourself craving? What qualities would make you feel worth the commitment of you and your husband?
I have been Presbyterian, United Methodist, Nazarene, and Mennonite. I sang in a Catholic folk mass in high school. I have two Master’s degrees from a Brethren seminary. Sometimes I feel like a theological and denominational mutt.
I asked Nelson which church we’ve attended together did he think epitomized the ideal church. As I suspected his answer mirrored my own. Of course he also had a runner up. The runner up was a church we attended in Kansas City: Shawnee Church of the Nazarene. This was a large church that still had a small feel. Lots of fellowship and great opportunities to reach others.
The church that we both hold as ideal is a small inner city Mennonite church in Springfield, Ohio. This church ministered to homeless, mental health, poverty stricken people. No one wore masks. They felt that their ministry was one of healing. One of the women talked with me when we were getting ready to leave to move here. She described how she was saddened to see us leave until she realized that theirs was a healing and sending church. She talked about how so many seemed to come and get involved and bless the congregation and then move on. Then the Lord revealed to her what we had learned from our time being apart of their fellowship.
One of the things that stands out in my memory of this church really being church happened on a sunny Sunday last summer. After the morning worship service we were having a grill out picnic. People of the congregation went to the surrounding houses and also watched up and down the streets for people to invite. Instead of a meal just for those who attended the service the service went out to those around the building. People in that impoverished neighborhood were treated to great food and some of the most precious fellowship that I have ever been blessed to be a part of.
Your question about craving comes at a very interesting time. I have enjoyed our time with the worship group at T-Net. But it’s really not much more than a Bible study or Sunday School class. It’s wonderful for what it is…but…I miss congregational singing. I miss a good, meaty sermon. I miss opportunities to get lost in “wonder, love, and praise.” I miss feeling like I’m part of something bigger.
What would draw us to commit? The congregation would have to have a feeling of honesty and realness. There would have to be an acceptance of brokenness. There would need to be openness and receptivity of diversity. There wouldn’t be a rigid deathgrip on tradition and ritual simply because “we’ve always done it that way.” There would be a hunger for the Word and a passion for service. It would be a place where I would be encouraged to use my gifts and where Nelson felt comfortable. Oh, and permission from probation and the pastor would be necessary, too.
Thanks to Biscotti for the opportunity to think through these things and share my thoughts.
I would like to suggest Michael W. Smith’s cd “Freedom” for your listening pleasure while reading my responses to Biscotti’s questions.
1. Your blog has been a story of brokenness and of joy. What have you learned about brokenness and joy in the last few years?
I have learned so much! Where to begin…I’ve learned that being broken isn’t the worst thing. As I looked at my life in pieces before me, I scrambled to try and put it back together. Somehow I thought was my job. Crazy, huh? But no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it back.
I learned what it really means to live into the reality of 2 Corinthians 4:7…I am a cracked pot and I’m in good company and there’s no reason to lose heart!
I am learning to live in the present instead of always looking ahead. I’ve learned I don’t have to be perfect…I can’t be…and that’s okay! I have learned that when the waves begin to crash in on me because I have arrogantly gotten out of the boat and tried to walk on water, that my Savior stands before me holding out his hand.
I have seen grace in the most amazing of places and revel in God’s constant presence and provision.
2. Five months ago, you were contemplating a paper route. Yesterday you were doing a full body smile in a uniform with your name stitched on it. You seem to have a deep grasp of God's provision and faithfulness. Could you describe some of that here?
So much of my life I was trying to arrive somewhere, as if the important thing about living was getting somewhere, not being in the moment. I found my only value in what I perceived others thought about me. I had to keep working to gain that approval. If I could do enough I might be acceptable. I needed to be the best at whatever I was doing. I was competitive—driven!
I even caught myself falling into this pattern when I was in jail! It dawned on me one day that I was striving to be the best Trustee that jail ever had. It was insane. As soon as I realized it I began to see more clearly how God was working in my life.
Here’s a few examples: My former employer was very good friends with the Sheriff in the county where I was going to jail. As I was being processed in, I was asked if I wanted to be a Trustee ( a job one usually has to earn). Being a Trustee meant I didn’t have to stay in the general population cell and that I could work which would give me something to occupy my time and enable me to earn days off my sentence.
At the same time I was coming out of jail the Transformation Network was starting to expand it’s ministry. They purchased their building. Then they added a worship component for people who couldn’t attend services or who would feel uncomfortable in a traditional service. Last August, the very month we began to move into our new home here in Ashland, T-Net worked out the details and began a work program with Reineke Manufacturing. And that connection, that amazing provision made it possible for me to be involved in weekly worship and to have steady full-time job with benefits.
There are so many examples of God’s provision and faithfulness. I am so bountifully blessed. Some days I feel sad for what I have lost, but then I focus on what I have gained and I can’t help but rejoice!
3. What led you to Bible college and full-time ministry? What were your favourite aspects of both experiences?
When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a minister. My sister and I shared a bedroom and slept in twin beds. They made a perfect “sanctuary.” I would line up all our dolls and stuffed animals like they were sitting in the pews and I would use the clothes hamper as my pulpit. But I was a girl and therefore I wasn’t minister material.
When I was in 9th grade we moved to a new town and began attending a church that had a woman minister on staff. I shared my dream with her and she encouraged me to develop my gifts. That church also had a dynamic youth group and my best friend in that youth group attended Mount Vernon Nazarene College (because her uncle was the mayor of Mount Vernon and on MVNC’s board of trustees).
My parents were adament about not paying for college if I was going to go for a degree in ministry so I tried to consider other majors: audio and speech pathology or nursing. I needed to get away and think about what I was going to do so I decided to spend my spring break at MVNC with my friend. I fell in love with the school and decided it was important for me to be who I was and not who my parents wanted me to be.
I remember coming home from MVNC and telling my parents that I WAS going to MVNC and I WAS going to be a minister. I told them that if I needed to I would wait a year to go to school, work, and save up my money. They decided I was serious. We ended up compromising. They paid for school. I was a sociology major with a religion minor.
While at MVNC I joined the Nazarene Church and began the process toward ordination. The Nazarene denomination has always encouraged women in ministry, but have been slow to really create viable ministry opportunities for them.
Favorite experiences? I LOVED studying Greek and doing exegetical studies. I am a die-hard student. I have a passion for language and an insatiable desire to learn more about scripture. One of my highlights was speaking at Student Revival.
I loved preaching. I love crafting sermons. I loved coming alongside people in their happiest and saddest times of life—just journeying with them. The absolute highlight of my ministry was baptising my daughters.
4. You seem to relish the role of grandmother. Are there ways that you have been changed in exploring what it is to be a grandmother?
Yes, absolutely. I spent a lot of time wondering if anything I said or did made any difference on my girls. From the time Ann found out she was pregnant until now, I marvel at how much I know and how much my opinions are valued. I must confess it feels good!
Becoming a grandmother also helped me step into my age. In ways that I’m not exactly comfortable admitting, I was afraid to be 47. The really down side to all that was not being able to access my experience and wisdom. I was so horribly disconnected. Penelope has been the glue pulling me back together and the catalyst that made me be present.
Penelope has also given me another gift: play. I didn’t know how and didn’t value play. Being around Penelope I have rediscovered my child within and she’s quite fun!
5. You have been involved with a couple denominations, and a few different types of congregation. What kind of community of believers do you now find yourself craving? What qualities would make you feel worth the commitment of you and your husband?
I have been Presbyterian, United Methodist, Nazarene, and Mennonite. I sang in a Catholic folk mass in high school. I have two Master’s degrees from a Brethren seminary. Sometimes I feel like a theological and denominational mutt.
I asked Nelson which church we’ve attended together did he think epitomized the ideal church. As I suspected his answer mirrored my own. Of course he also had a runner up. The runner up was a church we attended in Kansas City: Shawnee Church of the Nazarene. This was a large church that still had a small feel. Lots of fellowship and great opportunities to reach others.
The church that we both hold as ideal is a small inner city Mennonite church in Springfield, Ohio. This church ministered to homeless, mental health, poverty stricken people. No one wore masks. They felt that their ministry was one of healing. One of the women talked with me when we were getting ready to leave to move here. She described how she was saddened to see us leave until she realized that theirs was a healing and sending church. She talked about how so many seemed to come and get involved and bless the congregation and then move on. Then the Lord revealed to her what we had learned from our time being apart of their fellowship.
One of the things that stands out in my memory of this church really being church happened on a sunny Sunday last summer. After the morning worship service we were having a grill out picnic. People of the congregation went to the surrounding houses and also watched up and down the streets for people to invite. Instead of a meal just for those who attended the service the service went out to those around the building. People in that impoverished neighborhood were treated to great food and some of the most precious fellowship that I have ever been blessed to be a part of.
Your question about craving comes at a very interesting time. I have enjoyed our time with the worship group at T-Net. But it’s really not much more than a Bible study or Sunday School class. It’s wonderful for what it is…but…I miss congregational singing. I miss a good, meaty sermon. I miss opportunities to get lost in “wonder, love, and praise.” I miss feeling like I’m part of something bigger.
What would draw us to commit? The congregation would have to have a feeling of honesty and realness. There would have to be an acceptance of brokenness. There would need to be openness and receptivity of diversity. There wouldn’t be a rigid deathgrip on tradition and ritual simply because “we’ve always done it that way.” There would be a hunger for the Word and a passion for service. It would be a place where I would be encouraged to use my gifts and where Nelson felt comfortable. Oh, and permission from probation and the pastor would be necessary, too.
Thanks to Biscotti for the opportunity to think through these things and share my thoughts.
Reconnecting
I’m heading out the door here shortly. I got the chance for overtime and I consider it quite a blessing so I’m going to take it. I wasn’t sure if Nelson would mind—it seems we get so little time together these days. He was excited for the monetary blessing as well so I felt better about my decision. There could even be an offer for tomorrow. I’ll have to think that one over.
A couple weeks ago I called a nearby pastor to ask a few questions about the situation and frustration I was having regarding the pastor of that church who wasn’t willing to “put his congregation at risk” by letting me attend that church. You might recall this man also pulled some “stuff” on Nelson’s boss. It just made my heart ache to see the boss in such emotional pain. I pretty much knew the answers I would get, but still needed to hear them.
All that to say…The pastor I called was a friend of ours in college. His wife was one of my roommates. Vicky was completely responsible for making my wedding reception happen. It would have been a total fiasco if she hadn’t just stepped in and helped. She was such a blessing to me. We kept contact with them until about ’83 when we moved to Wisconsin and they were in Pennsylvania.
When we moved to where we live in Ashland I realized that we were going to be neighbors so to speak as they live in a very nearby town. I called one time but must have caught Vicky at a very stressful moment. I invited her to a Home and Garden Party last fall but their son was very ill and she couldn’t come. I wanted to connect with her, but my shame level made me begin to wonder if she perhaps didn’t want to connect because she knew about my crime. (I’ll have a little paranoia with that shame, please.)
When I called and talked to Lester about my concerns I shared briefly about my crime and my situation with not being allowed to go to church. Humbling to say the least. At the end of the conversation Lester said we should get together for dinner. I wondered if it was just a polite suggestion, and so it was a pleasant surprise when he called back this week and offered to take Nelson and I out for dinner last night.
So last night we met Vicky and Lester for dinner at a local steakhouse. The meal was very good. (I had a grilled Cajun Salmon Salad with cilantro ranch dressing—talk about yummers!) The conversation was amazing. We were there for a couple hours catching up, sharing our journey of the last few years, and receiving boatloads of support and encouragement from these dear friends. It was a sweet time of reconnection.
Towards the end our time together, Lester shared about the vision for his congregation. He and Vicky shared examples of how they’ve been reaching out to the “de-churched” and seeing people who have had horrible struggles come to a new experience of grace. Lester shared that he would be more than willing to meet with my PO and work through the process to enable me, us, to attend their church. It was a very tempting and sweet offer, one that Nelson and I are going to both pray about.
Goodness, I better scoot. Thanks for catching my “hour” error in my last post. Y’all got what I meant. I guess I was just too tired to explain myself very well. Anyway, don’t forget to “spring forward.” Have a sweet sort of Saturday!
A couple weeks ago I called a nearby pastor to ask a few questions about the situation and frustration I was having regarding the pastor of that church who wasn’t willing to “put his congregation at risk” by letting me attend that church. You might recall this man also pulled some “stuff” on Nelson’s boss. It just made my heart ache to see the boss in such emotional pain. I pretty much knew the answers I would get, but still needed to hear them.
All that to say…The pastor I called was a friend of ours in college. His wife was one of my roommates. Vicky was completely responsible for making my wedding reception happen. It would have been a total fiasco if she hadn’t just stepped in and helped. She was such a blessing to me. We kept contact with them until about ’83 when we moved to Wisconsin and they were in Pennsylvania.
When we moved to where we live in Ashland I realized that we were going to be neighbors so to speak as they live in a very nearby town. I called one time but must have caught Vicky at a very stressful moment. I invited her to a Home and Garden Party last fall but their son was very ill and she couldn’t come. I wanted to connect with her, but my shame level made me begin to wonder if she perhaps didn’t want to connect because she knew about my crime. (I’ll have a little paranoia with that shame, please.)
When I called and talked to Lester about my concerns I shared briefly about my crime and my situation with not being allowed to go to church. Humbling to say the least. At the end of the conversation Lester said we should get together for dinner. I wondered if it was just a polite suggestion, and so it was a pleasant surprise when he called back this week and offered to take Nelson and I out for dinner last night.
So last night we met Vicky and Lester for dinner at a local steakhouse. The meal was very good. (I had a grilled Cajun Salmon Salad with cilantro ranch dressing—talk about yummers!) The conversation was amazing. We were there for a couple hours catching up, sharing our journey of the last few years, and receiving boatloads of support and encouragement from these dear friends. It was a sweet time of reconnection.
Towards the end our time together, Lester shared about the vision for his congregation. He and Vicky shared examples of how they’ve been reaching out to the “de-churched” and seeing people who have had horrible struggles come to a new experience of grace. Lester shared that he would be more than willing to meet with my PO and work through the process to enable me, us, to attend their church. It was a very tempting and sweet offer, one that Nelson and I are going to both pray about.
Goodness, I better scoot. Thanks for catching my “hour” error in my last post. Y’all got what I meant. I guess I was just too tired to explain myself very well. Anyway, don’t forget to “spring forward.” Have a sweet sort of Saturday!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Smiling
Last night I pulled up to the house and when I got out of the car I was greeted to an olfactory treat! Nelson had the grill fired up and hamburger patties prepared. He stopped and bought potato salad and onion rings. We shared our meal with a friend from T-Net. And the almost best part of the meal is that the leftovers packed up to make a wonderful lunch for me today. Mmmmmmmmmm!
When I got home today Nelson wasn’t here, which was surprising since I knew he had the day off. I called him on his cell and he said he was on his way home. He had a headache all day and decided he didn’t want to cook tonight and obviously he had Arby’s on his mind…and Taco Bell, and Burger King…giggles.
Tomorrow at work we’re having a cookout inside. The plant supplies the hotdogs and burgers and grills them---makes the factory smell so good! We’re supposed to bring everything else. I’m going to make a dessert. When I was a kid we called them ting-a-lings. I’ve also heard them called haystacks. I melt butterscotch chips and stir in chow mein noodles. I drop them into cookie size piles on a cookie sheet and let them set up. Well, not all of them set up. (insert big smile and finger licking)
I got paid today. Wow. I feel so blessed. Last year I only made $105. Today my check had 72 hrs of regular pay and 8hrs of overtime. I put in for automatic deposit, but that hasn’t come through yet so I got to hold the real check. That was a really nice feeling. It was good to bring it home and have Nelson be impressed, too.
Well, the ting-a-lings are setting up. Such a yummy snack.
Something interesting happened this morning. The alarm woke me up. Now, that probably sounds normal to most everyone else, but not for me. I almost always wake up before the alarm by at least 20 minutes to a half hour. When the alarm went off this morning, I kept thinking it must be a dream. I did not want to get out of bed.
Now this worries me. Sunday we change our clocks. It’s time to “spring forward.” Most people will be excited about the extra hour to sleep. My body never seems to adjust. It’s so much harder for me to get up in the mornings—sort of like today. Then when we switch back in the fall I’m back to being my happy early rising self. I guess I’m just a little weird.
(giggles inserted…because she’s always laughing at herself) I felt good today. Last night Nelson and I went to Walmart. I bought new sports bras and underwear. I like sports bras (especially for work) because the straps don’t fall down. These are so comfortable. It felt like such a frivolous splurge but I haven’t had new since Feb 2002. I think I was due. I also pulled out a new pair of socks. I was so spiffy in my new unders and my new uniform. I think my whole body was smiling.
Well, right now my body is yawning so I think I toddle it off to bed. Sweet dreams.
When I got home today Nelson wasn’t here, which was surprising since I knew he had the day off. I called him on his cell and he said he was on his way home. He had a headache all day and decided he didn’t want to cook tonight and obviously he had Arby’s on his mind…and Taco Bell, and Burger King…giggles.
Tomorrow at work we’re having a cookout inside. The plant supplies the hotdogs and burgers and grills them---makes the factory smell so good! We’re supposed to bring everything else. I’m going to make a dessert. When I was a kid we called them ting-a-lings. I’ve also heard them called haystacks. I melt butterscotch chips and stir in chow mein noodles. I drop them into cookie size piles on a cookie sheet and let them set up. Well, not all of them set up. (insert big smile and finger licking)
I got paid today. Wow. I feel so blessed. Last year I only made $105. Today my check had 72 hrs of regular pay and 8hrs of overtime. I put in for automatic deposit, but that hasn’t come through yet so I got to hold the real check. That was a really nice feeling. It was good to bring it home and have Nelson be impressed, too.
Well, the ting-a-lings are setting up. Such a yummy snack.
Something interesting happened this morning. The alarm woke me up. Now, that probably sounds normal to most everyone else, but not for me. I almost always wake up before the alarm by at least 20 minutes to a half hour. When the alarm went off this morning, I kept thinking it must be a dream. I did not want to get out of bed.
Now this worries me. Sunday we change our clocks. It’s time to “spring forward.” Most people will be excited about the extra hour to sleep. My body never seems to adjust. It’s so much harder for me to get up in the mornings—sort of like today. Then when we switch back in the fall I’m back to being my happy early rising self. I guess I’m just a little weird.
(giggles inserted…because she’s always laughing at herself) I felt good today. Last night Nelson and I went to Walmart. I bought new sports bras and underwear. I like sports bras (especially for work) because the straps don’t fall down. These are so comfortable. It felt like such a frivolous splurge but I haven’t had new since Feb 2002. I think I was due. I also pulled out a new pair of socks. I was so spiffy in my new unders and my new uniform. I think my whole body was smiling.
Well, right now my body is yawning so I think I toddle it off to bed. Sweet dreams.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Wide Eyed
Do you know how much time it saves in the morning when you don’t have to think about what you’re going to wear?
For me it’s about 15 minutes, or so it seems. Yesterday my uniforms came in. So this morning I’m all spiffed out in my blue dickie style pants and my gray shirt with the company name over the left front pocket and my name over the right front pocket. I can’t find my belt, but fortunately, my pants are not going to fall off. (Like that would ever be the problem!)
I was told Monday night that I was going to be packaging parts by myself on Tuesday. These parts are referred to as “heavy duty.” I don’t know about the duty part, but I can definitely attest to the heavy! I was pacing myself appropriately to get the job done when up saunters one of my co-workers: a big, strong manly man. His line kept breaking down so the plant manager told him to come over and help me. It was great. He brought his strong arms and music. A welcomed combination for sure!
After lunch I headed back out, thinking I would be working alone, when lo and behold I not only had manly man, but another guy as well. We knocked out the balance of the order in a half hour at which point they disappeared into the bowels of the factory and I went back to work in another area.
Monday I had been putting the tiniest little O ring on a one inch piston. A challenge to say the least! I finished that job and then for the last half hour of the day I learned a new task. It was such a nice afternoon they opened the bay doors at the back of the building. We could feel a bit of the fresh air and see the sunshine whenever we walked by. It was nice. It was still nice when we left at 5:30. I sat out on the porch and read the paper until dinner. And oh was dinner good!
I got home to find Nelson already home and busy about the house. He had done dishes, straightened, and was fixing supper. Monday night he did some grocery shopping on his way home from work (I could make money cloning this guy!). He had stopped at Aldi’s and was surprised to find coconut shrimp in the freezer section. Knowing that this is my most favorite food, he bought two boxes. So for dinner he fried up one box, baked potatoes, prepared a tossed salad (opened the bag), and topped it off with a piece of Texas toast. I was in heaven. I may never go back to Red Lobster again…well, maybe!
After my luscious dinner I watched some TV, played some online scrabble, read journals/blogs and as soon as American Idol was over I toddled off to bed. I was sound asleep before 9:05!!! Maybe that’s why I feel so refreshed this morning. I’ll have to keep that in mind!
It’s supposed to get to 70 degrees here today! Ah spring. Enjoy your day! I’m out the door! (I wrote this this morning, but blogger wouldn't let me post...so here it is quite a bit later...)
For me it’s about 15 minutes, or so it seems. Yesterday my uniforms came in. So this morning I’m all spiffed out in my blue dickie style pants and my gray shirt with the company name over the left front pocket and my name over the right front pocket. I can’t find my belt, but fortunately, my pants are not going to fall off. (Like that would ever be the problem!)
I was told Monday night that I was going to be packaging parts by myself on Tuesday. These parts are referred to as “heavy duty.” I don’t know about the duty part, but I can definitely attest to the heavy! I was pacing myself appropriately to get the job done when up saunters one of my co-workers: a big, strong manly man. His line kept breaking down so the plant manager told him to come over and help me. It was great. He brought his strong arms and music. A welcomed combination for sure!
After lunch I headed back out, thinking I would be working alone, when lo and behold I not only had manly man, but another guy as well. We knocked out the balance of the order in a half hour at which point they disappeared into the bowels of the factory and I went back to work in another area.
Monday I had been putting the tiniest little O ring on a one inch piston. A challenge to say the least! I finished that job and then for the last half hour of the day I learned a new task. It was such a nice afternoon they opened the bay doors at the back of the building. We could feel a bit of the fresh air and see the sunshine whenever we walked by. It was nice. It was still nice when we left at 5:30. I sat out on the porch and read the paper until dinner. And oh was dinner good!
I got home to find Nelson already home and busy about the house. He had done dishes, straightened, and was fixing supper. Monday night he did some grocery shopping on his way home from work (I could make money cloning this guy!). He had stopped at Aldi’s and was surprised to find coconut shrimp in the freezer section. Knowing that this is my most favorite food, he bought two boxes. So for dinner he fried up one box, baked potatoes, prepared a tossed salad (opened the bag), and topped it off with a piece of Texas toast. I was in heaven. I may never go back to Red Lobster again…well, maybe!
After my luscious dinner I watched some TV, played some online scrabble, read journals/blogs and as soon as American Idol was over I toddled off to bed. I was sound asleep before 9:05!!! Maybe that’s why I feel so refreshed this morning. I’ll have to keep that in mind!
It’s supposed to get to 70 degrees here today! Ah spring. Enjoy your day! I’m out the door! (I wrote this this morning, but blogger wouldn't let me post...so here it is quite a bit later...)
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Resurrection Bubbles
Easter 2002 was a very special day for me. I had just spent 56 days in jail. I had served as a trustee, working in the kitchen during my incarceration, so my 60 day sentence had been reduced. There was some uncertainty as to when I would in fact be released. Two different CO’s (correction officers) had two different opinions.
It began to look like I was going to have to wait to be released on Monday. I was okay with that. One more day wasn’t going to make that big of a difference. I was working in the kitchen, preparing for lunch, when the CO came into the kitchen and asked my supervisor what I was still doing there.
The staff had finally come to an agreement that I should be released on Sunday. Easter Sunday. I started to cry tears of relief. Then I began to cry tears of frustration. It was after 10:00am when the finally told me. Everyone I knew would be in church. I was processed out but couldn’t leave. So I called home and left the message for my husband to come get me when he got home, and I went back to the kitchen to work the lunch.
No one could believe that I would willingly go back to work. Their bafflement baffled me. I couldn’t do anything less. There, in the most potentially depressing and defeating time of my life, I had found so many blessings. Working lunch was one way to say thanks. In fact, I was so grateful that for several weeks following my release, I was granted permission to return to the jail and volunteer my time in the kitchen.
I thought about that time more this week than I thought I would. The last few days at work when I was testing those regulators I was looking for bubbles as an indicator that there was leakage. I “played” with bubbles when I was in jail, too.
There were two of us women who were trustees most of the time I was in jail. We worked well together. It got to the place where we finished each other’s thoughts and anticipated the other’s needs. Lisa had been in jail several times, was familiar with the system and the CO’s. She watched out for me, was a friend to me. Until I started playing with bubbles.
When we cleaned up after a meal, I scraped and washed while she rinsed and dried. Sometimes there were so many things to wash that I would have to refill the sink several times. When I would put more detergent in the water and try to get the bottle to squirt bubbles. Lisa hated bubbles…or at least she said she did. I got pretty adept at making a large stream of bubbles and sometimes I could even aim them at Lisa. When I did she would threaten me with the sprayer. And we would giggle and laugh right there in the jail kitchen. People told us we were having too much fun.
That’s just how I am, though. I look for the positive. I dig out the good. I find a reason to smile, to laugh. And I will find it! Sometimes it’s a challenge, but if it can be found I will find it. I take joy in bringing smiles to others. I laugh at myself—a lot. Somewhere at the beginning of my faith journey someone gave me James 1:2 as a verse to live by. So I look for ways to count it all joy. That’s probably why those sad days like I wrote about a couple weeks ago hit me so hard. Like a tsunami, they hit out of nowhere and hit hard.
So this Easter I celebrate resurrection. I celebrate freedom. I celebrate hope, bubbles, and the power of God that takes brokenness and restores it to usefulness. I celebrate life!
It began to look like I was going to have to wait to be released on Monday. I was okay with that. One more day wasn’t going to make that big of a difference. I was working in the kitchen, preparing for lunch, when the CO came into the kitchen and asked my supervisor what I was still doing there.
The staff had finally come to an agreement that I should be released on Sunday. Easter Sunday. I started to cry tears of relief. Then I began to cry tears of frustration. It was after 10:00am when the finally told me. Everyone I knew would be in church. I was processed out but couldn’t leave. So I called home and left the message for my husband to come get me when he got home, and I went back to the kitchen to work the lunch.
No one could believe that I would willingly go back to work. Their bafflement baffled me. I couldn’t do anything less. There, in the most potentially depressing and defeating time of my life, I had found so many blessings. Working lunch was one way to say thanks. In fact, I was so grateful that for several weeks following my release, I was granted permission to return to the jail and volunteer my time in the kitchen.
I thought about that time more this week than I thought I would. The last few days at work when I was testing those regulators I was looking for bubbles as an indicator that there was leakage. I “played” with bubbles when I was in jail, too.
There were two of us women who were trustees most of the time I was in jail. We worked well together. It got to the place where we finished each other’s thoughts and anticipated the other’s needs. Lisa had been in jail several times, was familiar with the system and the CO’s. She watched out for me, was a friend to me. Until I started playing with bubbles.
When we cleaned up after a meal, I scraped and washed while she rinsed and dried. Sometimes there were so many things to wash that I would have to refill the sink several times. When I would put more detergent in the water and try to get the bottle to squirt bubbles. Lisa hated bubbles…or at least she said she did. I got pretty adept at making a large stream of bubbles and sometimes I could even aim them at Lisa. When I did she would threaten me with the sprayer. And we would giggle and laugh right there in the jail kitchen. People told us we were having too much fun.
That’s just how I am, though. I look for the positive. I dig out the good. I find a reason to smile, to laugh. And I will find it! Sometimes it’s a challenge, but if it can be found I will find it. I take joy in bringing smiles to others. I laugh at myself—a lot. Somewhere at the beginning of my faith journey someone gave me James 1:2 as a verse to live by. So I look for ways to count it all joy. That’s probably why those sad days like I wrote about a couple weeks ago hit me so hard. Like a tsunami, they hit out of nowhere and hit hard.
So this Easter I celebrate resurrection. I celebrate freedom. I celebrate hope, bubbles, and the power of God that takes brokenness and restores it to usefulness. I celebrate life!
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Easter Week
FRIDAY NIGHT:Well, I did it. I completed my first week at work. I worked overtime every day except today. I was told that they NEVER work overtime on Fridays. They may call for workers on Saturday and Sunday, but not extra on Friday. It was okay by me today. When 3:30 came around, I was ready to head for the door! And not just because I was tired….Ann, Travis, and Penelope were at our house for a visit!!!
It has been such a delightful evening. I found energy that I didn’t know I’d have. I’m sure I’m a typical grammy: everything she does is just adorable. I’ve been taking picture after picture. She figured out how to ride the little rocking horse. She was able to make the sit and spin spin!!!! My living room looks like a cyclone hit it and I don’t even care!!!
We’re going to an Easter egg hunt and an auction at the fairgrounds tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll find some more of the energy reserves. Another highlight for the weekend is that Beth doesn’t work on Sunday, so she and Nelson are going to attend the contemporary worship service at a nearby church on Easter. I can’t remember the last time she was willing to go to church.
Work was a little stressful. The last two days I’ve been giving regulators a bath test, looking for leaks: that can be repaired before we send them out, or that indicate they need to be junked. My team had worked a lot on these, but not everyone was as careful as necessary and consequently there were way to many that needed to be repaired.
Yesterday morning I started the day working on the Stud Press again. (Like on Wednesday) As I stood there, eyes glued to the slowly dropping press, I realized the absolute imperativeness to being present in the moment. I’ve not always been very good at this.
SATURDAY MORNING:Well, we just got back from breakfast at Denny’s. It was fun. In a little while we’re going to an Easter Egg hunt. That should be a blast. Great opportunity for lots of pictures.
(Back from the egg hunt)Well…that was interesting. They had two age groups: 0-5 and 5-12. Needless to say Penelope only picked up 5 eggs before the much faster moving 5yr olds had snatched everything away. Many of the parents were nabbing eggs for the little ones too. Oh well…it will be better next year.
After the hunt we went to Friendly’s for ice cream. Penelope mastered the art of drinking through a straw. Thanks to Grammy’s coaching! It was fun. I should have just ordered her a dish of whipped cream. She just loves the stuff. At breakfast she ate all the whipped cream off Annie’s hot chocolate and then had me spoon fed her the hot chocolate. At one point Annie tried to take it back and Penelope smacked her hand! Annie ordered herself another hot chocolate.
They’ve packed up and left for home. It’s quiet in the house now and all the toys are tucked away. I took lots of pics. I got a couple of her outside by my Pooh Easter yard signs. Her hair is so blonde and curly…she’s just adorable!
ABOUT THURSDAY NIGHT: I wanted to report about the Maundy Thursday service. It was a little awkward. The pastor recognized my face, but didn’t remember who I was. Transformation Network had been asked to read the scripture for the service because the offering that was being taken was being given to T-Net. The pastor asked why I was there and I said I was with T-Net. He assumed I was “working” with the ministry and while I am, it’s not the way he thought. Before I could straighten him out on that someone needed him somewhere else.
It was a nice service. During the service we sang the hymn “I Will Praise Him.” One phrase hit me hard and moved me to silence and tears: “My ambitions, plans, and wishes at my feet in ashes lay.” Words I could really relate to.
The pastor’s style really hindered my ability to hear what he was saying. He was so intense he was yelling. I wasn’t alone in my discomfort. One of the others from T-Net, a 50ish woman with considerable mental health issues, had to leave until he was done. She was able to return for communion, but was visibly shaken.
His loud delivery reminded me of a time when I took Annie to a revival service when she was about 4. The evangelist was very loud. She looked very puzzled and then asked me: Mommy, why is the preacher so angry? I clearly don’t miss being yelled at.
So, it was a mixed bag of things. But I definitely decided that being in a church building with many people truly didn’t make the experience feel more “spiritual” than my time with the small group at T-Net.
Well, I have some laundry to finish and beds to make. So I should probably pry my fingers from this keyboard for a bit.
Have a blessed Easter. Know hope, peace, and restoration. Alleluia!
It has been such a delightful evening. I found energy that I didn’t know I’d have. I’m sure I’m a typical grammy: everything she does is just adorable. I’ve been taking picture after picture. She figured out how to ride the little rocking horse. She was able to make the sit and spin spin!!!! My living room looks like a cyclone hit it and I don’t even care!!!
We’re going to an Easter egg hunt and an auction at the fairgrounds tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll find some more of the energy reserves. Another highlight for the weekend is that Beth doesn’t work on Sunday, so she and Nelson are going to attend the contemporary worship service at a nearby church on Easter. I can’t remember the last time she was willing to go to church.
Work was a little stressful. The last two days I’ve been giving regulators a bath test, looking for leaks: that can be repaired before we send them out, or that indicate they need to be junked. My team had worked a lot on these, but not everyone was as careful as necessary and consequently there were way to many that needed to be repaired.
Yesterday morning I started the day working on the Stud Press again. (Like on Wednesday) As I stood there, eyes glued to the slowly dropping press, I realized the absolute imperativeness to being present in the moment. I’ve not always been very good at this.
SATURDAY MORNING:Well, we just got back from breakfast at Denny’s. It was fun. In a little while we’re going to an Easter Egg hunt. That should be a blast. Great opportunity for lots of pictures.
(Back from the egg hunt)Well…that was interesting. They had two age groups: 0-5 and 5-12. Needless to say Penelope only picked up 5 eggs before the much faster moving 5yr olds had snatched everything away. Many of the parents were nabbing eggs for the little ones too. Oh well…it will be better next year.
After the hunt we went to Friendly’s for ice cream. Penelope mastered the art of drinking through a straw. Thanks to Grammy’s coaching! It was fun. I should have just ordered her a dish of whipped cream. She just loves the stuff. At breakfast she ate all the whipped cream off Annie’s hot chocolate and then had me spoon fed her the hot chocolate. At one point Annie tried to take it back and Penelope smacked her hand! Annie ordered herself another hot chocolate.
They’ve packed up and left for home. It’s quiet in the house now and all the toys are tucked away. I took lots of pics. I got a couple of her outside by my Pooh Easter yard signs. Her hair is so blonde and curly…she’s just adorable!
ABOUT THURSDAY NIGHT: I wanted to report about the Maundy Thursday service. It was a little awkward. The pastor recognized my face, but didn’t remember who I was. Transformation Network had been asked to read the scripture for the service because the offering that was being taken was being given to T-Net. The pastor asked why I was there and I said I was with T-Net. He assumed I was “working” with the ministry and while I am, it’s not the way he thought. Before I could straighten him out on that someone needed him somewhere else.
It was a nice service. During the service we sang the hymn “I Will Praise Him.” One phrase hit me hard and moved me to silence and tears: “My ambitions, plans, and wishes at my feet in ashes lay.” Words I could really relate to.
The pastor’s style really hindered my ability to hear what he was saying. He was so intense he was yelling. I wasn’t alone in my discomfort. One of the others from T-Net, a 50ish woman with considerable mental health issues, had to leave until he was done. She was able to return for communion, but was visibly shaken.
His loud delivery reminded me of a time when I took Annie to a revival service when she was about 4. The evangelist was very loud. She looked very puzzled and then asked me: Mommy, why is the preacher so angry? I clearly don’t miss being yelled at.
So, it was a mixed bag of things. But I definitely decided that being in a church building with many people truly didn’t make the experience feel more “spiritual” than my time with the small group at T-Net.
Well, I have some laundry to finish and beds to make. So I should probably pry my fingers from this keyboard for a bit.
Have a blessed Easter. Know hope, peace, and restoration. Alleluia!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Day Three Power
Wednesday. Hump day. Half way through the work week. It’s been a rough one. It’s been physically taxing and today was emotionally difficult as well. Yesterday I had some serious issues with one of the employees: the 21 year old. Taken separately they were troubling, but considering them all together, I had very little choice but to confront. And I don’t like to confront.
I wrote up my concerns and I requested back up. I asked Dan (director of T-Net) to be present. I wanted another set of ears there because I knew the 21 yr old had difficulty remembering things in their proper perspective, as they were said. I wanted to be able to deal with the distortions later…when the need arises.
Rather than face the issues the 21yr old used several different methods to deflect. She was defensive, claimed everything was an accident (as if accidents shouldn’t have consequences), blamed everyone else, pointed out the mistakes of others, and then finally just down emotionally blaming all the chaos in her life. Reality is that there is a ton of chaos in her life: she had a car accident on Friday, her 17yr old sister has cancer (and is undergoing some very serious treatments) thus making her parents pretty unavailable to her, her brother’s marriage is in the crapper and he’s trying to mooch off her, and then just the everyday stuff.
I felt myself getting sucked in to rescue her. I was able to maintain some internal distancing (aka healthy boundaries) while offering support. Afterward Dan admonished me to be careful. I heard him on a superficial level, but it wasn’t until later that his concern really grabbed my spirit. This is one of my weaknesses. So I thought it was very much like God to get through with his message.
I have a copy of “My Utmost for His Highest” in the bathroom. I figure it’s one place I visit on a daily basis so it’s also a good time to fill with good thoughts. Anyway, I grabbed it this morning during my pit stop. The message was one of not giving into rescuing or removing another person’s struggle from them. The struggle is a gift to them to make them dependent upon God. Then the last line: You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it (see Matthew 10:34 ). Wow! Now there’s something for me to meditate on today.
On a funner note…I was entrusted with power!!!! I started small with a heavy duty power stapler. (Insert Tim the Toolman noise here) Then I was trained on the stud press. Oh my. Big machine. Lots of power. Lots of sensors to keep you from smashing your hands or arms. That’s a little scary.
Another thing that felt really good today was that several of the factory employees included me in their jokes and conversations. This really seems to be a neat group of people.
So while I was working the stud press I was thinking. Good thing really. I’ve talked to several people about this career. The general response is one of not being able to handle the boredom or the repetition. I don’t mind it. In fact I enjoy it. I find the time refreshing. I don’t mind working alone. And while it’s noisy in the factory it has an odd sort of quiet feeling, too. Maybe that comes from the solitariness of the work. Whatever it is I like it. I like the opportunity to pray and praise.
(Finishing this up on Thursday morning)
Yesterday Dan asked if I wanted to go with him to a Maundy Thursday service. A local pastor had called Transformation Network to ask if some of the folks would come and represent T-Net and read scripture for the service. This church financially supports the ministry. Dan accepted the invite. He asked if I would be willing to read. My first response was to remind him that I wasn’t allowed in church. He assured me he had checked with probation and got it approved. I’m in! I haven’t been in a church service since August. This one should be interesting since I went to college with the pastor and know some people in the congregation. Hopefully God will smooth over some of the potential akwardness.
Well, this is droning on so I better post and get myself ready for work. Blessed day to one and all.
I wrote up my concerns and I requested back up. I asked Dan (director of T-Net) to be present. I wanted another set of ears there because I knew the 21 yr old had difficulty remembering things in their proper perspective, as they were said. I wanted to be able to deal with the distortions later…when the need arises.
Rather than face the issues the 21yr old used several different methods to deflect. She was defensive, claimed everything was an accident (as if accidents shouldn’t have consequences), blamed everyone else, pointed out the mistakes of others, and then finally just down emotionally blaming all the chaos in her life. Reality is that there is a ton of chaos in her life: she had a car accident on Friday, her 17yr old sister has cancer (and is undergoing some very serious treatments) thus making her parents pretty unavailable to her, her brother’s marriage is in the crapper and he’s trying to mooch off her, and then just the everyday stuff.
I felt myself getting sucked in to rescue her. I was able to maintain some internal distancing (aka healthy boundaries) while offering support. Afterward Dan admonished me to be careful. I heard him on a superficial level, but it wasn’t until later that his concern really grabbed my spirit. This is one of my weaknesses. So I thought it was very much like God to get through with his message.
I have a copy of “My Utmost for His Highest” in the bathroom. I figure it’s one place I visit on a daily basis so it’s also a good time to fill with good thoughts. Anyway, I grabbed it this morning during my pit stop. The message was one of not giving into rescuing or removing another person’s struggle from them. The struggle is a gift to them to make them dependent upon God. Then the last line: You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it (see Matthew 10:34 ). Wow! Now there’s something for me to meditate on today.
On a funner note…I was entrusted with power!!!! I started small with a heavy duty power stapler. (Insert Tim the Toolman noise here) Then I was trained on the stud press. Oh my. Big machine. Lots of power. Lots of sensors to keep you from smashing your hands or arms. That’s a little scary.
Another thing that felt really good today was that several of the factory employees included me in their jokes and conversations. This really seems to be a neat group of people.
So while I was working the stud press I was thinking. Good thing really. I’ve talked to several people about this career. The general response is one of not being able to handle the boredom or the repetition. I don’t mind it. In fact I enjoy it. I find the time refreshing. I don’t mind working alone. And while it’s noisy in the factory it has an odd sort of quiet feeling, too. Maybe that comes from the solitariness of the work. Whatever it is I like it. I like the opportunity to pray and praise.
(Finishing this up on Thursday morning)
Yesterday Dan asked if I wanted to go with him to a Maundy Thursday service. A local pastor had called Transformation Network to ask if some of the folks would come and represent T-Net and read scripture for the service. This church financially supports the ministry. Dan accepted the invite. He asked if I would be willing to read. My first response was to remind him that I wasn’t allowed in church. He assured me he had checked with probation and got it approved. I’m in! I haven’t been in a church service since August. This one should be interesting since I went to college with the pastor and know some people in the congregation. Hopefully God will smooth over some of the potential akwardness.
Well, this is droning on so I better post and get myself ready for work. Blessed day to one and all.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Wonderful Weariness
MONDAY PM:
I’m spent. I was up at 5:30am. I was surprised at how well I slept—especially since when I went to bed I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve.
I got to work a little early. Not too much of a surprise there. I spent from 7-8:30 setting up for the work that was going to be done by the T-Net team. We had to tear apart some regulators and other pieces due to a leak. This wasn’t our fault—the parts came to us defective. It was physically challenging getting the parts apart. I ended up using a vise and an allen wrench to get the part to dislodge.
Early in the day Ed (plant manager) asked if I would be interested in getting some overtime this week. I jumped on that! I will be working 10 hours M-Thurs and 8 hrs on Friday. It’s been a LONG time since I got overtime pay!!! I will be one tired pup come the weekend, but it will be worth it!
I came home and did dishes and have looked twice at the laundry basket. Nelson took me out for dinner to a Chinese buffet. The gesture and love was ten times better than the food—but I didn’t care. He’s just so sweet!
Well, I’m going to watch “24” and then I’m going to toddle off to bed. Oh darn (she said with her tongue deeply lodged in her cheek) Nelson decided to take a shower…guess I can’t do the laundry….(giggles right out loud). Take care!
I’m spent. I was up at 5:30am. I was surprised at how well I slept—especially since when I went to bed I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve.
I got to work a little early. Not too much of a surprise there. I spent from 7-8:30 setting up for the work that was going to be done by the T-Net team. We had to tear apart some regulators and other pieces due to a leak. This wasn’t our fault—the parts came to us defective. It was physically challenging getting the parts apart. I ended up using a vise and an allen wrench to get the part to dislodge.
Early in the day Ed (plant manager) asked if I would be interested in getting some overtime this week. I jumped on that! I will be working 10 hours M-Thurs and 8 hrs on Friday. It’s been a LONG time since I got overtime pay!!! I will be one tired pup come the weekend, but it will be worth it!
I came home and did dishes and have looked twice at the laundry basket. Nelson took me out for dinner to a Chinese buffet. The gesture and love was ten times better than the food—but I didn’t care. He’s just so sweet!
Well, I’m going to watch “24” and then I’m going to toddle off to bed. Oh darn (she said with her tongue deeply lodged in her cheek) Nelson decided to take a shower…guess I can’t do the laundry….(giggles right out loud). Take care!
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Retreat Notes
Home again, home again, tra la la la.
We are home from the retreat. It was so good. The lodge we stayed in was in a valley surrounded by a beautiful hillside, two creeks, and several waterfalls. It rained most of yesterday afternoon so I didn’t get to go exploring. I chose health over hike…not that I wanted to necessarily, but it was truly the wisest thing to do.
Our prayer times were quite blessed and the music turned out to be quite a blessing to me. I played one song and then we switched over to using CD’s. I put a lot of work into preparing and normally that kind of switch would have been very discouraging to me, but this group really responds better to the CD. I think in part that is because easier to join the group singing on the recording, and while singing live our voices make a very small group and so they sing small. It will be something I can work on or just go with what works. But for this experience, it was nice to just sing and not worry about leading. I was truly able to worship more freely.
On Saturday late afternoon we took a couple hours for personal quiet time. This was when a lot of people went off exploring the campgrounds. I took some time to play my guitar, read, and write. Good stuff came out of that time as well as other discussions from the weekend…Like:
Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted myself. Just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.
Getting still is my job. And when I do I find contentment, satisfaction, connection, closeness, sustenance, protection, rest, security, and assurance. At least those are things I would imagine hat a breast fed child would receive. But getting still and quiet don’t come easily or naturally to me as an adult. I wasn’t taught to nurture this in myself.
Why would I not rush to quiet and stillness? Not valuing it. Not understanding it. Fear, and lack of trust that comes from never truly being based on God. Instead it is based on a foundation from earthly relationships. To combat that I need a transformation or reprogramming of my mind. As easily as I have accepted the lie—God, I need to help to stand as strongly for the truth about you.
*********************************
When I was actively leading music in churches one of the hymns I avoided using was “There Will Be Showers of Blessing.” My reasoning against the hymn was that it was horribly ungrateful. Even though there would be daily and multiple blessings falling around us in the form of mercy drops, we selfishly plead for showers of blessing. I didn’t like that.
One of the songs we sang this weekend was Michael W. Smith’s “Let it Rain.” In it MWS pleads, as do many of the biblical writers: open the floodgates of heaven. Would we even know what that would look like? Do we really want that? When I got to the point, I began to pray: Lord, help us not to complain when we get wet!
******************************
At one point we were thinking about being silent. I was reminded of the scripture where Solomon admonished his readers (of Proverbs) to be slow to speak but quick to listen. I really felt checked here. I am so quick to jump quickly to words. Is that why God virtually shut my mouth? Had I forgotten how to listen?
I have recently described my passion for speaking and how heart-breaking it has been to lose that. I began praying that God would give me a passion for listening and the gift of hearing with the heart, for what is and isn’t said.
****************************
During my quiet time I was reminded of my times of driving down the road and singing this week. Several of the songs were written in a style or pattern that really frustrated the people in church. It was so hard to teach them songs that had a rest on the first beat. I sometimes found it to be challenging when I was leading singing to remember that silent beat and I would talk to the accompanist about being sure that (s)he would hit that down beat strongly.
As I reflected further on that, I sensed how much dependence was an issue here. The question was: how will I (we) know when to come in? Trust is so key here. This drove me to pray about trusting God in those quiet moments.
*************************
Later I’m going to write about my experience at the bank, but right now, I need to get to bed. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Nothing new is really going to happen tomorrow, except I’ll be going to work much earlier and possibly staying later. I know there’s much more. I’m just trying to talk myself out of my nerves. It’s not working very well.
Sweet dreams.
We are home from the retreat. It was so good. The lodge we stayed in was in a valley surrounded by a beautiful hillside, two creeks, and several waterfalls. It rained most of yesterday afternoon so I didn’t get to go exploring. I chose health over hike…not that I wanted to necessarily, but it was truly the wisest thing to do.
Our prayer times were quite blessed and the music turned out to be quite a blessing to me. I played one song and then we switched over to using CD’s. I put a lot of work into preparing and normally that kind of switch would have been very discouraging to me, but this group really responds better to the CD. I think in part that is because easier to join the group singing on the recording, and while singing live our voices make a very small group and so they sing small. It will be something I can work on or just go with what works. But for this experience, it was nice to just sing and not worry about leading. I was truly able to worship more freely.
On Saturday late afternoon we took a couple hours for personal quiet time. This was when a lot of people went off exploring the campgrounds. I took some time to play my guitar, read, and write. Good stuff came out of that time as well as other discussions from the weekend…Like:
Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted myself. Just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.
Getting still is my job. And when I do I find contentment, satisfaction, connection, closeness, sustenance, protection, rest, security, and assurance. At least those are things I would imagine hat a breast fed child would receive. But getting still and quiet don’t come easily or naturally to me as an adult. I wasn’t taught to nurture this in myself.
Why would I not rush to quiet and stillness? Not valuing it. Not understanding it. Fear, and lack of trust that comes from never truly being based on God. Instead it is based on a foundation from earthly relationships. To combat that I need a transformation or reprogramming of my mind. As easily as I have accepted the lie—God, I need to help to stand as strongly for the truth about you.
*********************************
When I was actively leading music in churches one of the hymns I avoided using was “There Will Be Showers of Blessing.” My reasoning against the hymn was that it was horribly ungrateful. Even though there would be daily and multiple blessings falling around us in the form of mercy drops, we selfishly plead for showers of blessing. I didn’t like that.
One of the songs we sang this weekend was Michael W. Smith’s “Let it Rain.” In it MWS pleads, as do many of the biblical writers: open the floodgates of heaven. Would we even know what that would look like? Do we really want that? When I got to the point, I began to pray: Lord, help us not to complain when we get wet!
******************************
At one point we were thinking about being silent. I was reminded of the scripture where Solomon admonished his readers (of Proverbs) to be slow to speak but quick to listen. I really felt checked here. I am so quick to jump quickly to words. Is that why God virtually shut my mouth? Had I forgotten how to listen?
I have recently described my passion for speaking and how heart-breaking it has been to lose that. I began praying that God would give me a passion for listening and the gift of hearing with the heart, for what is and isn’t said.
****************************
During my quiet time I was reminded of my times of driving down the road and singing this week. Several of the songs were written in a style or pattern that really frustrated the people in church. It was so hard to teach them songs that had a rest on the first beat. I sometimes found it to be challenging when I was leading singing to remember that silent beat and I would talk to the accompanist about being sure that (s)he would hit that down beat strongly.
As I reflected further on that, I sensed how much dependence was an issue here. The question was: how will I (we) know when to come in? Trust is so key here. This drove me to pray about trusting God in those quiet moments.
*************************
Later I’m going to write about my experience at the bank, but right now, I need to get to bed. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. Nothing new is really going to happen tomorrow, except I’ll be going to work much earlier and possibly staying later. I know there’s much more. I’m just trying to talk myself out of my nerves. It’s not working very well.
Sweet dreams.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Out the Door
I’ll be heading out here soon for the prayer retreat with the worship group from T-Net. I have been asked to lead some music. I prepared some. I’m taking my guitar. But I honestly don’t know if I’ll have any voice.
Last night when I got home from work I was miserable. I could barely breathe. Everyone was either making fun of the way I was talking (nasally clogged to the nth degree tank you berry mutch). It was so bad that I broke down and took some Alka Seltzer Cold Medicine. That stuff about makes me gag. But by the time I wanted to sleep, I could breathe a little through my nose. I slept in a chair in the living room with my feet propped up on another chair. I wasn’t sure I’d sleep well or much, but it really worked well. I knew if I laid down I would just drown or cough myself to death.
This morning I’ve been pulling things together to take for the retreat. It looks ridiculous. We have to take our own bedding. We’re cooking our own food. And I have the music and my guitar. Then there’s the suitcase that Nelson and I are sharing, his breathing machine, and various odds and ends. I just stook amidst the collection and laughed. We’re only going to be gone until tomorrow around lunch time!
I received good news yesterday: my drug screen came back clean. (Giggles) Me. Who’s never smoked a cigarette let alone anything “illegal”. Me. Who’s only been drunk once and decided never to do that again…ever! Me. Who feels guilty if I take over the recommended dosage of Advil. Tho’ I must confess I’ve been downing a considerable amount of cough syrup lately…but trust me: I hate it! So anyay: I get to start work on Monday!
At work on Friday I received my thing to get me into the building. It’s like a fob thing that I swipe across a padd at the door to gain access. I have it on my key ring. I got my time card and then went through some initial orientation stuff. They’re talking about giving me my own office, a computer, and three different printers.
Well, it’s time to go. Have a great day and know I’ll be praying for you!
Last night when I got home from work I was miserable. I could barely breathe. Everyone was either making fun of the way I was talking (nasally clogged to the nth degree tank you berry mutch). It was so bad that I broke down and took some Alka Seltzer Cold Medicine. That stuff about makes me gag. But by the time I wanted to sleep, I could breathe a little through my nose. I slept in a chair in the living room with my feet propped up on another chair. I wasn’t sure I’d sleep well or much, but it really worked well. I knew if I laid down I would just drown or cough myself to death.
This morning I’ve been pulling things together to take for the retreat. It looks ridiculous. We have to take our own bedding. We’re cooking our own food. And I have the music and my guitar. Then there’s the suitcase that Nelson and I are sharing, his breathing machine, and various odds and ends. I just stook amidst the collection and laughed. We’re only going to be gone until tomorrow around lunch time!
I received good news yesterday: my drug screen came back clean. (Giggles) Me. Who’s never smoked a cigarette let alone anything “illegal”. Me. Who’s only been drunk once and decided never to do that again…ever! Me. Who feels guilty if I take over the recommended dosage of Advil. Tho’ I must confess I’ve been downing a considerable amount of cough syrup lately…but trust me: I hate it! So anyay: I get to start work on Monday!
At work on Friday I received my thing to get me into the building. It’s like a fob thing that I swipe across a padd at the door to gain access. I have it on my key ring. I got my time card and then went through some initial orientation stuff. They’re talking about giving me my own office, a computer, and three different printers.
Well, it’s time to go. Have a great day and know I’ll be praying for you!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Big Smiles
I was going to come in here with some solid spiritual thoughts...aint gonna happen.
Annie called a little bit ago and informed us that there truly was a reason for her feeling nauseous recently. We're going to be grandparents again!!!! They are quite excited about this...and so are we.
Today Dan told the team that I've been hired on full-time at Reineke. No one had any problems with that. I spent time talking to the HR person, getting the paperwork started. Then I had to surrender some of my hair for a drug test. I would have rather kept my hair. I don't and have never done drugs, but I am losing my hair. No compromising on this one.
The insurance is pretty good. I'll be able to get perscription safety glasses and for practically nothing. The insurance kicks in after 90 days when I will also have my first review and be considered for pay increase. The uniforms are free. It's all sounding pretty good.
My cough is better. I've found some of my voice which is good since I need it for singing this weekend at the prayer retreat. Tomorrow is my last therapy session. I feel really good about that.
There are just some really big smiles coming from Ohio. Hope the light isn't too blinding.
Annie called a little bit ago and informed us that there truly was a reason for her feeling nauseous recently. We're going to be grandparents again!!!! They are quite excited about this...and so are we.
Today Dan told the team that I've been hired on full-time at Reineke. No one had any problems with that. I spent time talking to the HR person, getting the paperwork started. Then I had to surrender some of my hair for a drug test. I would have rather kept my hair. I don't and have never done drugs, but I am losing my hair. No compromising on this one.
The insurance is pretty good. I'll be able to get perscription safety glasses and for practically nothing. The insurance kicks in after 90 days when I will also have my first review and be considered for pay increase. The uniforms are free. It's all sounding pretty good.
My cough is better. I've found some of my voice which is good since I need it for singing this weekend at the prayer retreat. Tomorrow is my last therapy session. I feel really good about that.
There are just some really big smiles coming from Ohio. Hope the light isn't too blinding.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Red Sea Rules
So the other day someone donated a box of books to the T-Net the other day. I couldn’t resist nosing through them. I found several that I was interested in and asked if I could borrow them. Permission granted. Oh, what joy…new books!
The book that really grabbed my attention was a thin work by Robert J. Morgan, entitled “The Red Sea Rules.” The pre-title is “10 God-Given Strategies For Difficult Times.” The post-title is “The Same God Who Led You In Will Lead You Out.” I was hooked and intrigued. The one thing I didn’t want to find was another trivialization of difficulty and of scripture. So far, I’ve been impressed…and blessed.
Basically the author is saying that the 10 rules (strategies) can be found in Exodus 14, the passage describing the children of Israel facing the Red Sea as they were leaving Egypt.
He begins by supporting the thought that God works in ways that we cannot see and that He always will make a way of escape for His “weary, but waiting, children.”
“I [the Lord] will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isa. 43:19, KJV)
“When you pray, keep alert and be thankful. Be sure to pray that God will make a way.” (Col. 4:2-3, CEV)
“The Lord will utterly…make a way to cross on foot.” (Isa. 11:15, NRSV)
“You can trust God. He will not let you be tested more than you can stand. But when you are tested, He will also make a way out so that you can bear it.” (1Cor. 10:13, Beck)
The first rule is: Realize that God means for you to be where you are.
The first chapters discuss difficulties that we face, including things like illnesses, financial reversals, disasters--things that happen to us, not because of anything that we have necessarily done. Great. I thought to myself. And then I quickly followed that up with, but what about me?
Then as I was reading in the quiet, sunshine this morning I stumbled into his chapter: What If It’s My Fault? I fell into the pages like Alice tumbling into the looking glass. Morgan made these points:
-(He spends a paragraph discussing confession and repentance and then he says) He (God) weaves everything together to advance His purposes.
-He then moves on to discuss self-forgiveness--always easier said than done. Here’s the quote: “Self-forgiveness comes when we realize that if God has forgiven us, we needn’t remain angry with ourselves, needn’t hate ourselves any longer. God will use it all for good.” (p. 15)
-Quoting Sidlow Baxter: There is a compassionate adaptability about God’s will for us,. Because we have not been in God’s special will for us from the beginning, there is no reason why we should not get into it now. He can take up from where we get right.”
Even if we end up at the Red Sea because of something foolish we have done: He can still make a way!
I’m ready for Rule #2…I think.
The book that really grabbed my attention was a thin work by Robert J. Morgan, entitled “The Red Sea Rules.” The pre-title is “10 God-Given Strategies For Difficult Times.” The post-title is “The Same God Who Led You In Will Lead You Out.” I was hooked and intrigued. The one thing I didn’t want to find was another trivialization of difficulty and of scripture. So far, I’ve been impressed…and blessed.
Basically the author is saying that the 10 rules (strategies) can be found in Exodus 14, the passage describing the children of Israel facing the Red Sea as they were leaving Egypt.
He begins by supporting the thought that God works in ways that we cannot see and that He always will make a way of escape for His “weary, but waiting, children.”
“I [the Lord] will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isa. 43:19, KJV)
“When you pray, keep alert and be thankful. Be sure to pray that God will make a way.” (Col. 4:2-3, CEV)
“The Lord will utterly…make a way to cross on foot.” (Isa. 11:15, NRSV)
“You can trust God. He will not let you be tested more than you can stand. But when you are tested, He will also make a way out so that you can bear it.” (1Cor. 10:13, Beck)
The first rule is: Realize that God means for you to be where you are.
The first chapters discuss difficulties that we face, including things like illnesses, financial reversals, disasters--things that happen to us, not because of anything that we have necessarily done. Great. I thought to myself. And then I quickly followed that up with, but what about me?
Then as I was reading in the quiet, sunshine this morning I stumbled into his chapter: What If It’s My Fault? I fell into the pages like Alice tumbling into the looking glass. Morgan made these points:
-(He spends a paragraph discussing confession and repentance and then he says) He (God) weaves everything together to advance His purposes.
-He then moves on to discuss self-forgiveness--always easier said than done. Here’s the quote: “Self-forgiveness comes when we realize that if God has forgiven us, we needn’t remain angry with ourselves, needn’t hate ourselves any longer. God will use it all for good.” (p. 15)
-Quoting Sidlow Baxter: There is a compassionate adaptability about God’s will for us,. Because we have not been in God’s special will for us from the beginning, there is no reason why we should not get into it now. He can take up from where we get right.”
Even if we end up at the Red Sea because of something foolish we have done: He can still make a way!
I’m ready for Rule #2…I think.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Sunday Blessings
Shhhhhh. Don't tell, but I slept last night. Really slept. I know I woke up a couple time as I stiffly rolled over. But I didn't cough myself awake. I don't think I coughed at all, not once. I had no drainage that left me feeling like I was drowning either. And I slept until nearly 6am. That's after going to bed shortly after 10pm. Wow.
Nelson bought a store brand cough syrup. It has a decongestant in it. The down side is that while I slept really well...I have no voice. Antihistimes do that to me. I avoid taking them as long as I can, but then when the cough gets intolerable (due to the drainage and the bronchial gunk) I surrender. I have surrendered. I'd rather not cough. A really bad coughing fit can send me straight to the bathroom or worse...to my closet for clean clothes and undies. Sigh.
So I'm not sure about the music for worship today. I can play the guitar fine. I guess I'll start each song and then let them sing. That should work. I picked some really familiar songs. Afterwards we'll meet up with Nelson's boss and another couple for lunch. We going to Golden Corral today.
After lunch I'm heading to Ann's. Penelope is still not feeling well. So it's Grammy to the rescue! There's no work for us at the factory tomorrow so I'll watch Penelope so Annie can go to work. Nelson will going over later in the week to go with Annie and Penelope to an Orthopedic appointment. Have I mentioned that there has been concern since Penelope started walking about the bowing of her legs? Well, let me mention it now: her legs bow considerably. Annie asked about it when she had Penelope at the doctor last week. He expressed concern and immediately made an appointment--for this week. Annie is quite happy to have her Daddy with her for the appointment.
I had a special blessing yesterday afternoon. Beth was getting ready to head back to work and she noticed that someone had pulled into the drive/ally behind her truck and was parking. I went to the door and found that our visitors were our former pastors (married couple) from our church in Springfield (the last church we were at before moving here). Jeff and Joyce had been at a conference meeting nearby and decided to stop in before driving home. We had a lovely visit. Nelson wasn't feeling well and was taking a nap so he missed it. It was good to share news and blessings. And get real hugs. That right there probably fed my soul more than anything! Wow!
Well, it's time to start waking people up and getting ready for worship (physically, the spiritual has already been worked on!)
Blessings.
Nelson bought a store brand cough syrup. It has a decongestant in it. The down side is that while I slept really well...I have no voice. Antihistimes do that to me. I avoid taking them as long as I can, but then when the cough gets intolerable (due to the drainage and the bronchial gunk) I surrender. I have surrendered. I'd rather not cough. A really bad coughing fit can send me straight to the bathroom or worse...to my closet for clean clothes and undies. Sigh.
So I'm not sure about the music for worship today. I can play the guitar fine. I guess I'll start each song and then let them sing. That should work. I picked some really familiar songs. Afterwards we'll meet up with Nelson's boss and another couple for lunch. We going to Golden Corral today.
After lunch I'm heading to Ann's. Penelope is still not feeling well. So it's Grammy to the rescue! There's no work for us at the factory tomorrow so I'll watch Penelope so Annie can go to work. Nelson will going over later in the week to go with Annie and Penelope to an Orthopedic appointment. Have I mentioned that there has been concern since Penelope started walking about the bowing of her legs? Well, let me mention it now: her legs bow considerably. Annie asked about it when she had Penelope at the doctor last week. He expressed concern and immediately made an appointment--for this week. Annie is quite happy to have her Daddy with her for the appointment.
I had a special blessing yesterday afternoon. Beth was getting ready to head back to work and she noticed that someone had pulled into the drive/ally behind her truck and was parking. I went to the door and found that our visitors were our former pastors (married couple) from our church in Springfield (the last church we were at before moving here). Jeff and Joyce had been at a conference meeting nearby and decided to stop in before driving home. We had a lovely visit. Nelson wasn't feeling well and was taking a nap so he missed it. It was good to share news and blessings. And get real hugs. That right there probably fed my soul more than anything! Wow!
Well, it's time to start waking people up and getting ready for worship (physically, the spiritual has already been worked on!)
Blessings.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Passing the Book Stick
1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?
I think I would like to be a copy of Fahrenheit 451. That way if I was found on a midnight run for my destruction, perhaps I would pique someone’s curiosity and maybe same myself from the fire.
2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Yes, Laurie of Little Women. I think when I was little I dreamt of finding a man as sensitive and loving, patient and forgiving as Laurie. I think I did.
3. The last book you bought was...?
“Care of The Soul” Thomas Moore and a copy of “Your God is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan (to replace the copy I “took” from my friend Steve).
4. The last book you read was...?
“Brokenness” by Nancy Leigh-Demoss
“Your God is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan
5. What are you currently reading?
“Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren
“Page by Page”
“Centering Prayer” by M. Basil Pennington
“The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom
“The Red Sea Rules” by Robert J. Morgan
6. Five books you would take to a desert island?
My study Bible (the one I had in jail with me…which WAS sort of like a desert island)
“Seeds of Hope” (It’s a collection quotes and anticdotes by Henri Nouwen.)
A Hymnal…not sure which one, might have to think on that for a bit.
A book that would teach me sign language. Entertaining learning.
A book on surviving on a desert island. Probably a Reader’s Digest book: with lots of pictures and how to’s.
What three people are you passing this stick on to and why?
Biscotti Brain
Rev Mommy
Debra
(and anyone else interested…coz I love reading about what others are reading!)
Thanks Saija. This was a lot of fun!
I think I would like to be a copy of Fahrenheit 451. That way if I was found on a midnight run for my destruction, perhaps I would pique someone’s curiosity and maybe same myself from the fire.
2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Yes, Laurie of Little Women. I think when I was little I dreamt of finding a man as sensitive and loving, patient and forgiving as Laurie. I think I did.
3. The last book you bought was...?
“Care of The Soul” Thomas Moore and a copy of “Your God is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan (to replace the copy I “took” from my friend Steve).
4. The last book you read was...?
“Brokenness” by Nancy Leigh-Demoss
“Your God is Too Safe” by Mark Buchanan
5. What are you currently reading?
“Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren
“Page by Page”
“Centering Prayer” by M. Basil Pennington
“The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom
“The Red Sea Rules” by Robert J. Morgan
6. Five books you would take to a desert island?
My study Bible (the one I had in jail with me…which WAS sort of like a desert island)
“Seeds of Hope” (It’s a collection quotes and anticdotes by Henri Nouwen.)
A Hymnal…not sure which one, might have to think on that for a bit.
A book that would teach me sign language. Entertaining learning.
A book on surviving on a desert island. Probably a Reader’s Digest book: with lots of pictures and how to’s.
What three people are you passing this stick on to and why?
Biscotti Brain
Rev Mommy
Debra
(and anyone else interested…coz I love reading about what others are reading!)
Thanks Saija. This was a lot of fun!
Snowy Saturday Thoughts
I'm frustrated. For the last couple days I had lots of trouble getting in to read blogs. Then when I could, I couldn't leave notes. Today I was able to pull up screens to leave notes, but now the notes aren't showing up. What's up with that?
And another thing. Not all records need to be broken. I'm referring here to snow. Day before yesterday, the news around here was that we were on our way to breaking the all time season snow record. It's something like 102.3 inches and we were at 93.8 inches. And it's snowed the last two days. Last night we got about 4 inches of the white stuff. And it's still coming down!!!!!!!!
I'm tired of snow. And cold. And my cold.
There isn't any work for us at the factory on Monday. I'm thinking that would be a wonderful day to go visit Penelope. Tuesday morning I have an appointment in Bucyrus to visit the plant we do all the packaging for. I could drive to Annie's on Sunday and stay through Tuesday morning and just stop at the plant on the way home in the morning.
But only if it stops snowing. I'm such a weather weenie. Have a blessed Saturday!
And another thing. Not all records need to be broken. I'm referring here to snow. Day before yesterday, the news around here was that we were on our way to breaking the all time season snow record. It's something like 102.3 inches and we were at 93.8 inches. And it's snowed the last two days. Last night we got about 4 inches of the white stuff. And it's still coming down!!!!!!!!
I'm tired of snow. And cold. And my cold.
There isn't any work for us at the factory on Monday. I'm thinking that would be a wonderful day to go visit Penelope. Tuesday morning I have an appointment in Bucyrus to visit the plant we do all the packaging for. I could drive to Annie's on Sunday and stay through Tuesday morning and just stop at the plant on the way home in the morning.
But only if it stops snowing. I'm such a weather weenie. Have a blessed Saturday!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Happy Dance Day
It was so hard to keep a straight face this afternoon. All I wanted to do was whoop and giggle. After spending a couple hours working with Ed on a corrective action plan for a problem that occurred while shipping out the last order for T-company yesterday, he looked at me and asked if I was ready to go full-time. I said, “Yes sir!”
I spent some more time with Ed later going over some initial paperwork. He will be in Tennessee on company business next week and then late in the week we’ll finish the paperwork and I’ll start full-time on 3/21. I will have uniforms so I don’t have to keep ruining my own clothes. And I will have INSURANCE!!! I will be making $8 an hour. That may not sound like much, but when I only made $105 total all last year—it’s a fortune and a blessing.
I was able to contain my excitement until I got home and then I started doing the happy dance. I called Nelson right away, because I had to tell someone. He was really excited for me and appropriately supportive. He was very happy to hear that there would be insurance!
After I talked to Nelson I called my PO. I needed to check on permission to go with Nelson’s boss and wife to a Seder meal. I also wanted to talk to her about therapy. When we moved here my therapist wanted to close my case, but the PO’s thought that I should maintain therapy while I transitioned. Now that I’m working full-time I can’t afford to take off a day every two weeks for therapy. I was extremely pleased when I talked to her. She granted permission for the Seder meal and told me that she felt that I was sufficiently transitioned so I could close the therapy! YAY!
So it’s a happy dance kind of night—and the daughter is bringing us home Long John Silver’s for dinner. Oooo, and CSI is on later. I’ll probably make another cup of Chai and just settle in to enjoy the good feeling.
Hope you can happy dance about something in your life too!
I spent some more time with Ed later going over some initial paperwork. He will be in Tennessee on company business next week and then late in the week we’ll finish the paperwork and I’ll start full-time on 3/21. I will have uniforms so I don’t have to keep ruining my own clothes. And I will have INSURANCE!!! I will be making $8 an hour. That may not sound like much, but when I only made $105 total all last year—it’s a fortune and a blessing.
I was able to contain my excitement until I got home and then I started doing the happy dance. I called Nelson right away, because I had to tell someone. He was really excited for me and appropriately supportive. He was very happy to hear that there would be insurance!
After I talked to Nelson I called my PO. I needed to check on permission to go with Nelson’s boss and wife to a Seder meal. I also wanted to talk to her about therapy. When we moved here my therapist wanted to close my case, but the PO’s thought that I should maintain therapy while I transitioned. Now that I’m working full-time I can’t afford to take off a day every two weeks for therapy. I was extremely pleased when I talked to her. She granted permission for the Seder meal and told me that she felt that I was sufficiently transitioned so I could close the therapy! YAY!
So it’s a happy dance kind of night—and the daughter is bringing us home Long John Silver’s for dinner. Oooo, and CSI is on later. I’ll probably make another cup of Chai and just settle in to enjoy the good feeling.
Hope you can happy dance about something in your life too!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
A MUCH Better Day
Thank you. And I'm sorry. I was horribly sucked into that pity party. Whew. The pain was real and I just struggled to get out.
Later in the evening I talked to Beth (our 21 yr old daughter) about the frustration I had had all day with the 21 yr old. I was able to paint the picture in a totally humerous way. I'm guessing it was humerous since she was laughing so hard that she had to keep wiping her eyes. Finally, she just looked at me and told me I probably ought to pray about my attitude. This from the child who hasn't demonstrated any spiritual inklings for a couple years.
So I did. And I realized that I need to really change how I was dealing with the 21yr old. In addition to this challenging person, I also work with a 26yr old guy who at age 15 was hit by a car while riding his bike and his brains were splattered on the pavement. The way it's been described to me, not all his brains went back in. So Mikey has some serious mental challenges. Unfortunately, he also has some serious legal issues. Mikey is a registered sexual preditor. Mike also had another accident this January and I think he lost a little more brain power.
Anyway, the last couple of days I started using some of the teaching techniqes I learned while working with MRDD clients. The suggestion is to give at least 4 positive comments for every instruction or "negative" comment. It really worked for Mikey. He was lapping up the praise. He worked really, really hard.
As I was praying and considering how I had been reacting to the 21yr old, I realized my praise to negative comments were terribly skewed and I needed to rectify that. So today I did. And I am happy to report that it was a MUCH better day. We were short a person and still completed a big order (that wasn't due until Friday and no one was really sure we'd get it done by then) and were able to set up for tomorrow. My feet may have been heavy as I walked out of the building, but my heart was much, MUCH lighter!
At one point today the plant manager, Ed, came and thanked us for our hard work and effort on finishing the order. He also asked if I had any computer experience. Maybe just a little. Ya think? He also told me that he wants to take me over to the T-company plant in B-town (about an hour away) to meet with the people there. T-company has decided to do all their hub work with R-company so I need to know the people I'll be working with. The computer question came because I'll be doing all the purchase ordering and making all the shipping tags. Made me feel good. Still haven't met with the owner, Ed, and Dan to talk about the hiring process. Hopefully that will happen soon.
I came home, started laundry, made homemade soup for dinner, and put my feet up! I think I'll have a cup of Chai and spend a quiet evening reading about the lives and interests of some very interesting people!
Later in the evening I talked to Beth (our 21 yr old daughter) about the frustration I had had all day with the 21 yr old. I was able to paint the picture in a totally humerous way. I'm guessing it was humerous since she was laughing so hard that she had to keep wiping her eyes. Finally, she just looked at me and told me I probably ought to pray about my attitude. This from the child who hasn't demonstrated any spiritual inklings for a couple years.
So I did. And I realized that I need to really change how I was dealing with the 21yr old. In addition to this challenging person, I also work with a 26yr old guy who at age 15 was hit by a car while riding his bike and his brains were splattered on the pavement. The way it's been described to me, not all his brains went back in. So Mikey has some serious mental challenges. Unfortunately, he also has some serious legal issues. Mikey is a registered sexual preditor. Mike also had another accident this January and I think he lost a little more brain power.
Anyway, the last couple of days I started using some of the teaching techniqes I learned while working with MRDD clients. The suggestion is to give at least 4 positive comments for every instruction or "negative" comment. It really worked for Mikey. He was lapping up the praise. He worked really, really hard.
As I was praying and considering how I had been reacting to the 21yr old, I realized my praise to negative comments were terribly skewed and I needed to rectify that. So today I did. And I am happy to report that it was a MUCH better day. We were short a person and still completed a big order (that wasn't due until Friday and no one was really sure we'd get it done by then) and were able to set up for tomorrow. My feet may have been heavy as I walked out of the building, but my heart was much, MUCH lighter!
At one point today the plant manager, Ed, came and thanked us for our hard work and effort on finishing the order. He also asked if I had any computer experience. Maybe just a little. Ya think? He also told me that he wants to take me over to the T-company plant in B-town (about an hour away) to meet with the people there. T-company has decided to do all their hub work with R-company so I need to know the people I'll be working with. The computer question came because I'll be doing all the purchase ordering and making all the shipping tags. Made me feel good. Still haven't met with the owner, Ed, and Dan to talk about the hiring process. Hopefully that will happen soon.
I came home, started laundry, made homemade soup for dinner, and put my feet up! I think I'll have a cup of Chai and spend a quiet evening reading about the lives and interests of some very interesting people!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Not Happy At All
I have had a couple of rough days at work. I know I've mentioned that I am a workaholic and a perfectionist. Another problem for me is that I can see what needs to get done and I know that it would be so much easier for me to just do the job rather than depend on others. I mean, afterall, they just don't have the level of commitment that I do to getting the job done (pardon me while I excise my tongue from my cheek).
But seriously...I have always done more than my fair share just to make sure that the job gets done. And dangnabit I'm falling right back into that pattern. No one else keeps the entire job in view and so I do this and that for others in addition to getting my job done. I anticipate the needs around me and I step in to fill them. I'm like that plate spinner at the circus...It is my responsibility to keep not only my plates but everybody elses' plates spinning.
The up side to this is lots of work gets done. The down side is that occasionally I notice when someone isn't carrying even their fair share. Today the 21yr old gal on our team had one responsibility: place one square of bubble wrap on the top of the part in the box and slide it to the next person. One step. One piece. And she wasn't taking any care with what she was doing. So I asked her to please make sure that the bubble wrap was in the box before she slid it on so that the next guy didn't have to finish her one step and do his job too.
Now here's where I almost lost it. When your supervisor tells you, in a nice way, to please do something do you give them lip? Do you start making up a hundred excuses? Or do you just say, "Ok." Period. And then do it. Not the 21yr old. I finally got her to stop talking and just told her again to please just make sure it was in the box. That worked for about 5 boxes.
Later we were running out of boxes and I had been anchoring the line. I asked the guy between me and the 21yr old if he could handle his position and mine. He could have, but he suggested that the 21yr old make boxes. I thought right. This will go over well. So I asked. And she started the commentary response again. I told her to never mind and went and did it myself.
Later I was helping out at the end of the line, making boxes, and trying to work ahead a little on some other things. There was a lull in production so I told the 21yr old to make boxes. She got huffy and said she could only do it for a few miniutes. I said fine, just do it. She got huffier, accusing me of yelling at her. I may have raised my voice--to be heard! I know that my tone was terse and that's probably what she responded to.
This all came on the heels of a pretty serious act of insubordination by the 21yr old yesterday. I'm not happy.
Towards the end of the day she did apologize for her attitude. I accepted the apology and we talked about her style of response. I will try harder to anticipate it and work with it. I'm still not real happy, but I'll get over it.
This afternoon while I was making boxes I started to feel a real emotional heaviness. At first I attributed it to anticipating a negative response from my PO regarding a question I need to ask. On March 19 and 20 our worship group is having a prayer retreat at a nearby camp. It's an overnight thing and she has the final say over any overnights for me. I was most afraid that she was going to stick her nose into my attendance and participation with the worship group and worst case: tell me I had to quit attending. I was extremely pleased when she not only approved the prayer retreat, but also encouraged me regarding playing my guitar. Then we sat there for about another half hour while she talked about her kids and her boss. One of the last things she said was very affirming. She said, "You're doing really well." That did make me happy.
But it didn't complete drive away the emotional heaviness. While I was making boxes I realized what the issue was and I stood there and cried. I'm crying now. The saddness arose as I contemplated some stuff we've been reading in "Purpose Driven Life." We're in the section on SHAPE. Today's theme was about using our abilities for God.
He went on and on about how God made us uniquely and there's no one else who can do what God has gifted us to do and assigned to us. If we don't do it, it doesn't get done. We need to be using our gifts, our abilities, and our passions.
But what if we're not allowed? What if we've screwed up and we can't do what gives us joy? I love to preach and teach. I'm talented. I'm gifted. I feel most alive when I'm in front of a crowd speaking, teaching, preaching. I can't describe the ache I feel. I miss singing. Really singing. Not just sitting in a room and strumming a little. Sometimes I miss it so bad I just feel like I could burst...but instead I just cry and cry and cry.
I have to believe that it's no mistake that I'm where I am, but I'm not using my gifts or abilities--I'm not allowed. And I'm not happy. Not happy at all.
But seriously...I have always done more than my fair share just to make sure that the job gets done. And dangnabit I'm falling right back into that pattern. No one else keeps the entire job in view and so I do this and that for others in addition to getting my job done. I anticipate the needs around me and I step in to fill them. I'm like that plate spinner at the circus...It is my responsibility to keep not only my plates but everybody elses' plates spinning.
The up side to this is lots of work gets done. The down side is that occasionally I notice when someone isn't carrying even their fair share. Today the 21yr old gal on our team had one responsibility: place one square of bubble wrap on the top of the part in the box and slide it to the next person. One step. One piece. And she wasn't taking any care with what she was doing. So I asked her to please make sure that the bubble wrap was in the box before she slid it on so that the next guy didn't have to finish her one step and do his job too.
Now here's where I almost lost it. When your supervisor tells you, in a nice way, to please do something do you give them lip? Do you start making up a hundred excuses? Or do you just say, "Ok." Period. And then do it. Not the 21yr old. I finally got her to stop talking and just told her again to please just make sure it was in the box. That worked for about 5 boxes.
Later we were running out of boxes and I had been anchoring the line. I asked the guy between me and the 21yr old if he could handle his position and mine. He could have, but he suggested that the 21yr old make boxes. I thought right. This will go over well. So I asked. And she started the commentary response again. I told her to never mind and went and did it myself.
Later I was helping out at the end of the line, making boxes, and trying to work ahead a little on some other things. There was a lull in production so I told the 21yr old to make boxes. She got huffy and said she could only do it for a few miniutes. I said fine, just do it. She got huffier, accusing me of yelling at her. I may have raised my voice--to be heard! I know that my tone was terse and that's probably what she responded to.
This all came on the heels of a pretty serious act of insubordination by the 21yr old yesterday. I'm not happy.
Towards the end of the day she did apologize for her attitude. I accepted the apology and we talked about her style of response. I will try harder to anticipate it and work with it. I'm still not real happy, but I'll get over it.
This afternoon while I was making boxes I started to feel a real emotional heaviness. At first I attributed it to anticipating a negative response from my PO regarding a question I need to ask. On March 19 and 20 our worship group is having a prayer retreat at a nearby camp. It's an overnight thing and she has the final say over any overnights for me. I was most afraid that she was going to stick her nose into my attendance and participation with the worship group and worst case: tell me I had to quit attending. I was extremely pleased when she not only approved the prayer retreat, but also encouraged me regarding playing my guitar. Then we sat there for about another half hour while she talked about her kids and her boss. One of the last things she said was very affirming. She said, "You're doing really well." That did make me happy.
But it didn't complete drive away the emotional heaviness. While I was making boxes I realized what the issue was and I stood there and cried. I'm crying now. The saddness arose as I contemplated some stuff we've been reading in "Purpose Driven Life." We're in the section on SHAPE. Today's theme was about using our abilities for God.
He went on and on about how God made us uniquely and there's no one else who can do what God has gifted us to do and assigned to us. If we don't do it, it doesn't get done. We need to be using our gifts, our abilities, and our passions.
But what if we're not allowed? What if we've screwed up and we can't do what gives us joy? I love to preach and teach. I'm talented. I'm gifted. I feel most alive when I'm in front of a crowd speaking, teaching, preaching. I can't describe the ache I feel. I miss singing. Really singing. Not just sitting in a room and strumming a little. Sometimes I miss it so bad I just feel like I could burst...but instead I just cry and cry and cry.
I have to believe that it's no mistake that I'm where I am, but I'm not using my gifts or abilities--I'm not allowed. And I'm not happy. Not happy at all.
Friday, March 04, 2005
My Protector
It’s 6:15pm and it’s still light outside. I love the way the days get longer. The darkness of winter is passing and my soul is happier each day.
This reminds me of summer nights. I love how it stays light until nearly 10pm. I love when the fireflies come out and dance over the yards and fields. We would play and play and play until the streetlights came on. I’m not sure if we would turn into gremlins or not, but we were never allowed out after the streetlights came on. I can still hear my mom hollering, “Do you see those streetlights? Get your butts in this house right now!”
We always had to be within yelling distance. We never wanted to hear, “Didn’t you hear me calling for you?” A statement like that was always followed by a swat on the behind. Sometimes I would be playing at my friend’s house. Her mom didn’t yell she would either whistle or ring the bell. We could play way down in the woods and still hear the bell. But even if we didn’t she wouldn’t swat us.
This week we were reading in “Purpose Driven Life” and he was talking about meditating on scripture. Warren was saying that one of the benefits of meditating on scripture is that it keeps you within the sound of God’s voice. Here’s the exact quote: “Daily Bible reading will keep you in the range of God’s voice.” (p. 188) Now that’s one voice I never want to be out of range to hear.
Speaking of quotes, (nice segue, huh?) here’s the one on Centering Prayer that I got from Jim, the worship study leader, on Sunday:
“I think it will be easy to bring you to the heart of true prayer…If you carefully keep this formula before you, and learn to recollect it at all times, it will help you to mount to contemplation of high truth. Everyone who seeks for continual recollection of God uses this formula for meditation, intent upon driving every other sort of thought from his heart.
The formula was given us by a few of the oldest fathers…to only a very few who were athirst for the true way. To maintain an unceasing recollection of God, this formula must be ever before you. The formula is this: “O God, come to my assistance; O Lord, make haste to help me.”
Rightly has this verse been selected from the whole bible (Ps 70:1) to serve this purpose. It suits every mood and temper of human nature, every temptation, every circumstance. It contains an invocation of God, a humble confession of faith, a reverent watchfulness, a meditation on human frailty, an act of confidence in God’s response, an assurance of His ever-present support. The man who continually invokes God as his protector is aware that God is ever at hand.”
(Abba Isaac, 4th or 5th c from “Second Conference of Abba Isaac On Prayer” quoted by M. Basil Pennington in “Centering Prayer” pg. 27-28)
I love that explanation. When I feel I’m going under and cry out “Help me, God!” all those things described above play a role in the prayer. It’s all good and good to know that my protector is ever at hand.
And speaking of hands, here’s a couple of my thoughts on Peter walking on the water. Let me start by saying I think that Peter was incredibly arrogant for getting out of the boat. In Matthew’s account (!4:25-33) it’s night and Jesus is walking out to them. They thought it was a ghost. Jesus assures them by identifying himself and telling them to not be afraid. Period. Oddly, in Mark’s gospel (which is Peter’s story) in Mark 6:45-52, the story ends there. Peter doesn’t boast about getting out of the boat. I don’t believe he felt very good about what happened.
Verse 28 seems to me to be the epitome of arrogance. Jesus doesn’t come strolling out on the water and then present the challenge to them to trying do the same. He didn’t say if they didn’t get out of the boat they’d never know the thrill of trusting God. It was Peter’s idea to get out of the boat. Peter wanted to walk on water like Jesus.
Now, why would Jesus invite Peter out of the boat? I can only surmise, but I think it had a whole more to do with teaching Peter about his limitations and his need to depend upon Jesus than upon challenging Peter with achieving the impossible. This was a teachable moment. The wind and waves rose and caught Peter’s attention and down he went. He wasn’t made to walk on water, but he was made to reach out to Jesus.
So there you have it. I think Peter was arrogant. I don’t think he should have asked to walk on the water. But I’m thankful that Jesus used the moment teach Peter. I’m glad the story of Peter’s arrogance, failure and falling are recorded in scripture because they give me hope. You see, I too was arrogant. I tried to take on more than I was made to take on. I failed and I fell. But just when I needed to, I was able to look up, cry out for help, and find Jesus reaching his hand out to me.
I guess that’s why the formula prayer means so much to me. It’s good to know my protector is ever near.
This reminds me of summer nights. I love how it stays light until nearly 10pm. I love when the fireflies come out and dance over the yards and fields. We would play and play and play until the streetlights came on. I’m not sure if we would turn into gremlins or not, but we were never allowed out after the streetlights came on. I can still hear my mom hollering, “Do you see those streetlights? Get your butts in this house right now!”
We always had to be within yelling distance. We never wanted to hear, “Didn’t you hear me calling for you?” A statement like that was always followed by a swat on the behind. Sometimes I would be playing at my friend’s house. Her mom didn’t yell she would either whistle or ring the bell. We could play way down in the woods and still hear the bell. But even if we didn’t she wouldn’t swat us.
This week we were reading in “Purpose Driven Life” and he was talking about meditating on scripture. Warren was saying that one of the benefits of meditating on scripture is that it keeps you within the sound of God’s voice. Here’s the exact quote: “Daily Bible reading will keep you in the range of God’s voice.” (p. 188) Now that’s one voice I never want to be out of range to hear.
Speaking of quotes, (nice segue, huh?) here’s the one on Centering Prayer that I got from Jim, the worship study leader, on Sunday:
“I think it will be easy to bring you to the heart of true prayer…If you carefully keep this formula before you, and learn to recollect it at all times, it will help you to mount to contemplation of high truth. Everyone who seeks for continual recollection of God uses this formula for meditation, intent upon driving every other sort of thought from his heart.
The formula was given us by a few of the oldest fathers…to only a very few who were athirst for the true way. To maintain an unceasing recollection of God, this formula must be ever before you. The formula is this: “O God, come to my assistance; O Lord, make haste to help me.”
Rightly has this verse been selected from the whole bible (Ps 70:1) to serve this purpose. It suits every mood and temper of human nature, every temptation, every circumstance. It contains an invocation of God, a humble confession of faith, a reverent watchfulness, a meditation on human frailty, an act of confidence in God’s response, an assurance of His ever-present support. The man who continually invokes God as his protector is aware that God is ever at hand.”
(Abba Isaac, 4th or 5th c from “Second Conference of Abba Isaac On Prayer” quoted by M. Basil Pennington in “Centering Prayer” pg. 27-28)
I love that explanation. When I feel I’m going under and cry out “Help me, God!” all those things described above play a role in the prayer. It’s all good and good to know that my protector is ever at hand.
And speaking of hands, here’s a couple of my thoughts on Peter walking on the water. Let me start by saying I think that Peter was incredibly arrogant for getting out of the boat. In Matthew’s account (!4:25-33) it’s night and Jesus is walking out to them. They thought it was a ghost. Jesus assures them by identifying himself and telling them to not be afraid. Period. Oddly, in Mark’s gospel (which is Peter’s story) in Mark 6:45-52, the story ends there. Peter doesn’t boast about getting out of the boat. I don’t believe he felt very good about what happened.
Verse 28 seems to me to be the epitome of arrogance. Jesus doesn’t come strolling out on the water and then present the challenge to them to trying do the same. He didn’t say if they didn’t get out of the boat they’d never know the thrill of trusting God. It was Peter’s idea to get out of the boat. Peter wanted to walk on water like Jesus.
Now, why would Jesus invite Peter out of the boat? I can only surmise, but I think it had a whole more to do with teaching Peter about his limitations and his need to depend upon Jesus than upon challenging Peter with achieving the impossible. This was a teachable moment. The wind and waves rose and caught Peter’s attention and down he went. He wasn’t made to walk on water, but he was made to reach out to Jesus.
So there you have it. I think Peter was arrogant. I don’t think he should have asked to walk on the water. But I’m thankful that Jesus used the moment teach Peter. I’m glad the story of Peter’s arrogance, failure and falling are recorded in scripture because they give me hope. You see, I too was arrogant. I tried to take on more than I was made to take on. I failed and I fell. But just when I needed to, I was able to look up, cry out for help, and find Jesus reaching his hand out to me.
I guess that’s why the formula prayer means so much to me. It’s good to know my protector is ever near.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Thoughts on Maturing
I didn’t have to work today. The factory didn’t order boxes in time for us and since there none until tomorrow, I got the day off. Well, it wasn’t quite that easy. As I was leaving the factory, the plant manager told me that he could two of our 6 team members to work in the Pressure Guard area. He suggested me and one of two other guys. Hmmmm. A dilemma. Fortunately, he suggested that I talk it over with Dan and let him know.
Earlier in the day, Ed (the plant manager) had spoken to me about going full time and working between the factory and supervising the T-Net portion. (That was the original offer.) I told him that I was definitely interested. He seemed pleased and said that we would get together with the factory owner and Dan (director of T-Net) next week and hammer out the details. I about flew out of the office. I felt hopeful and happy. It felt good!
When I got back to T-Net at the end of the day, I talked to Dan about the day, the offer, and the dilemma. I suggested that since I was already looking at being hired on that he consider sending both the other guys out to the factory to work. These guys are really hard workers, and both of them need the opportunity to work full-time. Dan thought it was a good idea. He told them that I was willing to step aside for them. They seemed really appreciative. I didn’t do it for that…but it felt good.
So, I got to sleep in this morning until 7am. Now that really felt good!!! And I’m at T-Net working on grants. Can’t you tell I’m working on grants? I have done some reading and pulled up a couple sights to check, but I wanted to come here and write about something that we went over in devotions this morning.
We’re on day 28 in Purpose Driven Life: Growth Takes Time. He opens the chapter by talking about how tomatoes are picked green for shipping and then before they’re put out for sale, they’re given a shot of CO2 that “forces” them to ripen. He invites the reader then to consider the difference between the quality (and deliciousness) of vine ripened tomatoes verses the forced ripened ones we usually find in the market. We were all salivating thinking of the juicy fresh tomatoes of summer.
As I was thinking of the process of maturing, I was quickly reminded of a time when I took my then three year old daughter to the library. She insisted that she wanted to learn to read. I assured her that she would. That was not good enough. She wanted to learn right then! I tried to explain the process, but my words fell on angry and disappointed ears.
Kids want to grow up so fast. That led me to think about the whole “gotta get my license NOW” thinking. It scares me that some states allow children to drive when they are only 14. No 14 year old is mature enough to manage the decisions it takes to control the mass weapon of destruction we call the automobile. I thought it was interesting that I caught a passing blurb while surfing the net where some states are considering raising the age for acquiring one’s driving license.
What is with the obsession with growing up so fast? I can remember wistfully wishing I was older and on my own, old enough to make my own decisions, just older! I remember both of my girls verbalizing similar wishes; usually when they were receiving a consequence for their misbehavior—as if being older would absolve them of the consequences. And, isn’t that immature thinking at its worst?
I wish I would have been raised by people with healthier boundaries. I wish I would have been around more people that understood the importance of rhythm and pace, of the process of ripening. My life was consumed with competition (between my siblings and me, and between my friends and me). Life was about achieving and accumulating: knowledge and possessions. It wasn’t until the last four years that I have begun to value process, journey, balance, and peace.
If there is any gift I can give to my children now, and to my grandchildren (optimistically thinking in the plural!), it would be the lessons I have been learning. I want them to relish the moment, the living in the now so that when they get to where I am there will be fewer “I wish I hads” and “if only.”
Mmmmm. Smells like lunch just arrived I’ll have to finish thinking about this later!
Earlier in the day, Ed (the plant manager) had spoken to me about going full time and working between the factory and supervising the T-Net portion. (That was the original offer.) I told him that I was definitely interested. He seemed pleased and said that we would get together with the factory owner and Dan (director of T-Net) next week and hammer out the details. I about flew out of the office. I felt hopeful and happy. It felt good!
When I got back to T-Net at the end of the day, I talked to Dan about the day, the offer, and the dilemma. I suggested that since I was already looking at being hired on that he consider sending both the other guys out to the factory to work. These guys are really hard workers, and both of them need the opportunity to work full-time. Dan thought it was a good idea. He told them that I was willing to step aside for them. They seemed really appreciative. I didn’t do it for that…but it felt good.
So, I got to sleep in this morning until 7am. Now that really felt good!!! And I’m at T-Net working on grants. Can’t you tell I’m working on grants? I have done some reading and pulled up a couple sights to check, but I wanted to come here and write about something that we went over in devotions this morning.
We’re on day 28 in Purpose Driven Life: Growth Takes Time. He opens the chapter by talking about how tomatoes are picked green for shipping and then before they’re put out for sale, they’re given a shot of CO2 that “forces” them to ripen. He invites the reader then to consider the difference between the quality (and deliciousness) of vine ripened tomatoes verses the forced ripened ones we usually find in the market. We were all salivating thinking of the juicy fresh tomatoes of summer.
As I was thinking of the process of maturing, I was quickly reminded of a time when I took my then three year old daughter to the library. She insisted that she wanted to learn to read. I assured her that she would. That was not good enough. She wanted to learn right then! I tried to explain the process, but my words fell on angry and disappointed ears.
Kids want to grow up so fast. That led me to think about the whole “gotta get my license NOW” thinking. It scares me that some states allow children to drive when they are only 14. No 14 year old is mature enough to manage the decisions it takes to control the mass weapon of destruction we call the automobile. I thought it was interesting that I caught a passing blurb while surfing the net where some states are considering raising the age for acquiring one’s driving license.
What is with the obsession with growing up so fast? I can remember wistfully wishing I was older and on my own, old enough to make my own decisions, just older! I remember both of my girls verbalizing similar wishes; usually when they were receiving a consequence for their misbehavior—as if being older would absolve them of the consequences. And, isn’t that immature thinking at its worst?
I wish I would have been raised by people with healthier boundaries. I wish I would have been around more people that understood the importance of rhythm and pace, of the process of ripening. My life was consumed with competition (between my siblings and me, and between my friends and me). Life was about achieving and accumulating: knowledge and possessions. It wasn’t until the last four years that I have begun to value process, journey, balance, and peace.
If there is any gift I can give to my children now, and to my grandchildren (optimistically thinking in the plural!), it would be the lessons I have been learning. I want them to relish the moment, the living in the now so that when they get to where I am there will be fewer “I wish I hads” and “if only.”
Mmmmm. Smells like lunch just arrived I’ll have to finish thinking about this later!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Work Ethic
What is your work ethic?
I’m some crazy combination of Puritan work ethic, perfectionism, and workaholic. I find that it is really easy for me to get annoyed or irritated with people when it seems that they are goofing off.
I was thinking about this today. I don’t remember feeling this way when I was on salary. But today while I was working I was very hard I was aware that one of my co-workers wasn’t putting forth the same effort. My hard work was building our quantity of piecework. Our pay is based on piece production. She was/is going to earn based on the total—the total I worked hard to increased while she slogged through the day.
As I contemplated this I was reminded of the story that Jesus told about the landowner who hired workers. (See Matthew 20: 1-16)When I hired on I knew that the wage was $5.50. I knew that if we had high production days there was the possibility of bonuses. But I didn’t sign on for this job because of the money. Well, maybe a little.
I didn’t like feeling the way the scripture described the grumbly workers. Their theme song was “it’s not fair.” I hate that. I don’t want to sound like that.
So I stopped. It’s my choice, how I feel. I decided to choose to be happy that others were hired to work—whether they had the same work ethic as me or not.
I noticed another thing this afternoon. I was off to the side where I could watch the regular factory workers work. At times it almost seemed as if they were moving in slow motion. I felt an irritation rising within me. It was like, wait. I am working my butt off and only making a pittance compared to your wage that is at least twice as much as mine. It seemed that they justified their slower work pace this way: hey, I get $X whether I make 800 parts or 500 parts so why bust my butt? Excuse me?
Excuse me? That’s right. That’s the danger. I am blessed, totally blessed to be able to work. Drat that over-active work ethic. It impinges on my joy way too often. It pushes me to work harder, harder than I worked before, and harder than everyone around me.
To be very honest, going back to work has been a scary proposition for me. Prior to my crash and burn, I had worked myself to death. I was working two full-time jobs, being a mom, a wife, a housekeeper (of sorts), and a friend. I created a situation where I was working myself into a position of indispensability at my one job (the counseling one). My skills as a counselor and pastor/preacher or speaker were respected and requested. I had horrible boundaries. I had quit taking care of myself. I was all out for everybody else. It was the perfect set up for moral failure.
I put myself into counseling. I had a super therapist to start with. I worked hard on my issues. I needed to be sure that I knew how I got to there so that I would never go there again. One of the clear answers was to establish healthy boundaries. Easier said than done, especially for someone who is so prone to over indulging in the area of work.
So now I’m back to work full time. Last week I skipped lunch to be sure that we got a job done. When the day was over and I was able to reflect I saw how incredibly unhealthy that was! No more.
I guess that’s one of the reasons I write about work so much. I want to be sure to examine my motives and my actions. I want to be accountable. It means challenging a lot of the old messages, old habits. But in the end…it will be a good thing. I will still work hard, because that’s who and how I am. But I will do it in healthy, balanced, and responsible ways…by God’s grace and with his help!
I’m some crazy combination of Puritan work ethic, perfectionism, and workaholic. I find that it is really easy for me to get annoyed or irritated with people when it seems that they are goofing off.
I was thinking about this today. I don’t remember feeling this way when I was on salary. But today while I was working I was very hard I was aware that one of my co-workers wasn’t putting forth the same effort. My hard work was building our quantity of piecework. Our pay is based on piece production. She was/is going to earn based on the total—the total I worked hard to increased while she slogged through the day.
As I contemplated this I was reminded of the story that Jesus told about the landowner who hired workers. (See Matthew 20: 1-16)When I hired on I knew that the wage was $5.50. I knew that if we had high production days there was the possibility of bonuses. But I didn’t sign on for this job because of the money. Well, maybe a little.
I didn’t like feeling the way the scripture described the grumbly workers. Their theme song was “it’s not fair.” I hate that. I don’t want to sound like that.
So I stopped. It’s my choice, how I feel. I decided to choose to be happy that others were hired to work—whether they had the same work ethic as me or not.
I noticed another thing this afternoon. I was off to the side where I could watch the regular factory workers work. At times it almost seemed as if they were moving in slow motion. I felt an irritation rising within me. It was like, wait. I am working my butt off and only making a pittance compared to your wage that is at least twice as much as mine. It seemed that they justified their slower work pace this way: hey, I get $X whether I make 800 parts or 500 parts so why bust my butt? Excuse me?
Excuse me? That’s right. That’s the danger. I am blessed, totally blessed to be able to work. Drat that over-active work ethic. It impinges on my joy way too often. It pushes me to work harder, harder than I worked before, and harder than everyone around me.
To be very honest, going back to work has been a scary proposition for me. Prior to my crash and burn, I had worked myself to death. I was working two full-time jobs, being a mom, a wife, a housekeeper (of sorts), and a friend. I created a situation where I was working myself into a position of indispensability at my one job (the counseling one). My skills as a counselor and pastor/preacher or speaker were respected and requested. I had horrible boundaries. I had quit taking care of myself. I was all out for everybody else. It was the perfect set up for moral failure.
I put myself into counseling. I had a super therapist to start with. I worked hard on my issues. I needed to be sure that I knew how I got to there so that I would never go there again. One of the clear answers was to establish healthy boundaries. Easier said than done, especially for someone who is so prone to over indulging in the area of work.
So now I’m back to work full time. Last week I skipped lunch to be sure that we got a job done. When the day was over and I was able to reflect I saw how incredibly unhealthy that was! No more.
I guess that’s one of the reasons I write about work so much. I want to be sure to examine my motives and my actions. I want to be accountable. It means challenging a lot of the old messages, old habits. But in the end…it will be a good thing. I will still work hard, because that’s who and how I am. But I will do it in healthy, balanced, and responsible ways…by God’s grace and with his help!
Desires
Today was rough. My hands hurt and I was really fighting a heavy heart. It's sort of hard to describe. I don't feel sad personally. I'm just sensing a lot of sadness around me. It's sort of like how the scriptures describe how Jesus looked at the crowds and felt compassion for them. He looked around at the crowd and reached out to them because they were weary and weak. Now, I know I'm no Jesus, but sometimes I feel just a piece of his heart...and it's a heavy thing!
I just felt on the edge of tears all day.
I've still been thinking about the whole concept of accepting the good and not the bad. So often we don't get what we want. I've had numerous conversations with people who are confused and on the verge of walking away from following God because they feel that the promises aren't being kept.
One of the biggies for many people is the promise of Psalms that God will give us our heart's desire. There are many disappointed people because they wish for something, sometimes for a very long time and they never see it come to pass. Is God a liar?
I don't think so and here's why. I think we misinterpret the verse. I think my "take" on this verse came out of many disappointments and much confusion. Like a child I would run to tell my heavenly Father my latest heart's desire and then I would wait--expecting and hoping. And nothing. For a long time, I quit hoping.
Then something happened. When I experienced my great breaking, I began to consider a different meaning to this verse. It was as if it was whispered into my aching heart. What if we chose to read the verse that instead of us telling God what we want, what if God told us what our heart's desire is? He will give us our heart's desire.
The most satisfying times in my life I believe have been the result of God forming that desire in me and my falling in love with what God really wants for me. There's no wrestling here, no disappointment, only life, and life more abundant.
That sounds good to me. He knows the plans He has for me...I need to let him dream them in me.
Wait till you hear my take on Peter getting out of the boat...I'm just a little hairy tick.
I just felt on the edge of tears all day.
I've still been thinking about the whole concept of accepting the good and not the bad. So often we don't get what we want. I've had numerous conversations with people who are confused and on the verge of walking away from following God because they feel that the promises aren't being kept.
One of the biggies for many people is the promise of Psalms that God will give us our heart's desire. There are many disappointed people because they wish for something, sometimes for a very long time and they never see it come to pass. Is God a liar?
I don't think so and here's why. I think we misinterpret the verse. I think my "take" on this verse came out of many disappointments and much confusion. Like a child I would run to tell my heavenly Father my latest heart's desire and then I would wait--expecting and hoping. And nothing. For a long time, I quit hoping.
Then something happened. When I experienced my great breaking, I began to consider a different meaning to this verse. It was as if it was whispered into my aching heart. What if we chose to read the verse that instead of us telling God what we want, what if God told us what our heart's desire is? He will give us our heart's desire.
The most satisfying times in my life I believe have been the result of God forming that desire in me and my falling in love with what God really wants for me. There's no wrestling here, no disappointment, only life, and life more abundant.
That sounds good to me. He knows the plans He has for me...I need to let him dream them in me.
Wait till you hear my take on Peter getting out of the boat...I'm just a little hairy tick.
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