Corner Chair

Run Its Course

2008-01-18T06:47:00.000-05:00

I came here in 2004. It was a rough time in my life and I want to chronicle and process it. I have made some good friends here and I treasure them. But I also have live friends...and an enemy.

Last night at dinner my friend told me how a malevolent woman takes the things I write and spews venom and lies. I wouldn't think much of it, but it seems that her viciousness overflows onto my friend and others. I do not want to give this pitiful woman any more fodder so I have decided to close out this blog.

Mary, I choose to not give you anything else to gossip and twist. Mary, you are one sad woman. You claim to be a God-fearing woman. Your actions completely betray your total lack of any understanding of grace or love. I pray that you read this entry and know that I have put you at the top of my prayer list. In case you miss this perhaps I'll make a copy, blow it up, and post it in the cafeteria like you did other personal information about me in an attempt to discredit and malign me.

To my friends and readers, thanks for your support and God bless.

Tah-rash Bags

2008-01-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

(The title comes from one of my favorite A-Team episodes...I love it when a plan comes together.)

I was doing the happy dance today. I got a call from an employer that was interested in someone I contacted them about in December. A brand new employer!! He has some questions, but there’s a real possibility. I’m so excited. This guy has been so patient and has so much to offer. I have to send an email to the employer to answer his questions.

The class went well this morning. I started with the pots and followed with conflict management and then a piece out of the communication lesson link it to listening and responding. The thread holding it all together was the value we place on relationships. The conflict management piece focused on Win/Win vs. Win/Lose.
The class participation was good and they seemed to get it.

I went to dinner with a friend tonight. It was nice. Then we went out to Walmart to pick up a few things. I looked at the boots again and I just decided they weren’t me. Part of the problem I think was that I was really only interested in them because they were cheap and that’s not a good enough reason to buy them.

Oh, that reminds me of something I read to the class today. Let’s see if I can remember how it went…Americans spend more on trash bags than 90 of the 210 world countries spend on everything. That one just blew my mind. But make mine Flex Strength and excuse me while I go put my bags out at the curb—trash comes early in the morning.

Tired

2008-01-16T20:05:00.000-05:00

What a day. Not a bad day. Just a long day. Up early to do devotions for the Ashland work crew. I shared a lesson on reducing the hurry in our life and cultivating solitude and silence. It went pretty well. Then I was off to Sandusky. The roads were quite fine. I saw about 20 people at the Job Store and then went over to the homeless shelter and did a group orientation for three guys and follow up for 2 more. After that I ate lunch back at the Job Store and met with a participant to discuss his resume. I stopped at one factory and met the guy I’ve been faxing resumes and got lost looking for two more possible worksites.

When I finally got back to the office I parked my car and got wearily out. As I rounded the front of my car I heard a voice say, “Don’t look so tired, you have a full day of work ahead.” I turned to see my boss in his car heading to Norwalk for a meeting about our work site there and how we might grow it. I ended up standing there and talking to him for over five minutes, which may not seem like much but I had to pee so bad I had to concentrate so that I wasn’t doing the potty dance.
Right now I’m watching a Baby Einstein video with Asher. A lot of people grouse about how people use the TV as an electronic babysitter. Doesn’t happen at my house. When Asher wants to watch a movie he has to have company and we interact all the way through. Right now we’re watching about numbers.

Nelson sorta kinda talked to Ann tonight. She called with a tax question. She’s trying to help a friend with her taxes. I was functioning as the go between when I finally put the phone on speaker. He listened to her and gave answers. It wasn’t a personal conversation, but I’ll take any progress I can get. He also gave her some instructions about filing her taxes, too.

I’m teaching at our building in the morning. I’m going to use the pot idea. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Working through the fog

2008-01-15T21:53:00.000-05:00

Winter returned this morning. My boss told me to suck it up, engage the 4 wheel drive, and get to Norwalk. So I did. On the way I decided that snow, fog, and blowing was way too much to deal with at one time. I ended up going about 30mph the whole way. The road didn’t really necessarily require that slow speed, but I was behind about a mile long line of traffic. The good news is that I arrived safe and on time. By the time I drove home, the only road hazard was blowing snow and even that wasn’t too bad. Bad news is that it’s still snowing and I have to drive to Sandusky tomorrow.

I spent a chunk of time this afternoon trying to come up with a resume and cover letter for a man who recently go t out of prison after serving 27 years. While he was incarcerated he finished his GED, and got both his Associate of Arts degree and his Bachelor of Science in Business Management. I really like the cover letter I wrote. I considered all different kinds and formats. I’m thinking that I may try and develop it like I would for someone just coming out of college. The similarity is that both have training but no work experience. I’m meeting with him tomorrow to discuss it.

Well, I’m going to watch the last few minutes of Biggest Loser and then hit the hay. Sweet dreams.

Sweet Stuff

2008-01-14T21:40:00.000-05:00

Sweet Oil Moment
I got to work and Beth was moaning about her ear aching. She was afraid she was yelling all day because it was so stopped up she couldn’t hear. She hit CVS on her way home and picked up some Sweet Oil. Did you know that Sweet Oil is just Olive Oil? I put some in her ear and had her put some cotton in, too. She’s already wanting to take it out. Silly girl.

This reminded me of when the girls were little, but it wasn’t Beth that had ear problems, it was Ann. Her ears would play ping pong with the infection. Often they would be so infected that they would just burst. I kept asking if that was a good thing. The doctors said not to worry. I was always afraid that there would be so much scar tissue from the bursting that it would affect her hearing. Fortunately, she out grew it before that happened.

I remembered when the girls were little and I was trying to get WIC for them. I ended up hoping that something would be wrong with them so that I could get them milk, cereal, and cheese. It was humiliating. In the end we got the staples because they determined that Ann had chronic ear infections—surprise, surprise! And Beth was undertall for her weight. Thankfully, they both outgrew their issues.

I ran out of hours today. I was working on bringing my files up to date. Oh, I forgot to announce it, but I accomplished one of the goals on my list. I put all my files in my filing cabinet. Yehaw!!! I also worked on organizing my teacher’s manual. It felt good. Hard stuff for someone who’s ‘P’-ness is pretty thorough. But it’s really quite nice to know where stuff is.

Winter has returned. It was a lazy snow all day with more on the way all week long. That doesn’t thrill me at all. Hope there’s some warmth and accomplishment in your day.

Notes on A Sunday

2008-01-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

Thoughts from my day:

We watched the Colts/Chargers game. I was impressed by the way that Billy Volek came in after the Chargers starting quarterback, Philip Rivers, went down with an injury late in the game. Volek even ran in a touchdown.

Nelson and I were talking about how Volek’s entire professional career he has been a back up quarterback. He’s played professionally in the NFL for 8 years. He was undrafted. His role has been to come on and take over a game when the starting quarterback goes down. Not a bad gig, and I’m sure the pay is pretty good, too.

Most people aren’t interested in signing on to be the back-up anything. But what if that’s your gift? What if you’re able to keep tabs on the game to such an acute degree that you could take over so smoothly that nothing was lost or wasted? Why not be the back up?

I’m thinking that I need to go dig out my Virginia Satir material. I was thinking in ABF during our discussion about optimism and negativity. I drew two pots on my paper and began to plan how to teach to thinking more about what we have instead of what we don’t have.

I’m going to either ask the group to draw two pots or give them a handout with two on it and ask them to fill the first pot with what they’re missing. Then I’m going to ask them to fill the second pot with what they have. I’m going to ask them to come up with a number (per centage) that represents how much time they spend focusing on each.

It’s just the beginning of the lesson, but I’m thinking I’ll move on to teach to restoring hope, what is enough, and the things we can and can’t change. I’m probably going to try and pull up the whole Serenity Prayer…I really like the part we don’t pay attention to:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

And with that I think I’ll toddle off to bed. Oh and Beth checked out the boots. She didn’t like either pair. She did however see the pair that was just plain black leather (just like the black suede ones) and thought they were cute. Now, I have to decide: to spend or spend on something else.

Also, tomorrow, Nelson and I are going to give up coffee and start down the green tea road. Anybody else doing this? TTFN.

Need vs. Want

2008-01-12T13:35:00.000-05:00

Or The Great Boot Debate

I went and worked out this morning. That makes 5 workouts this week! And while I didn’t work out last night, I still got a workout moving all the machines and cleaning.

After working out I went to Walmart to pick up some things I need. I came home with: new gloves (the little inexpensive ones that look like they barely fit a three year old hanging on the rack--$1.42); Sunsilk hair stuff (anti-flat); face wash (something new by Garnier—cheaper than Olay); a couple different feminine hygiene products; a shower foo (net washing thing); a pack of pens; a new wallet; a card for Annie. I picked up several other items and set them all down.

I spent some time in the boot section. I wish I knew what switch flipped in my pea brain that made me think I want boots. I’ve never owned a pair of dress boots. Snow boots, yes. Functional and ugly. Today I saw a really sharp and practical pair of black suede knee high boots that were reduced down to $13. I tried them on. They were cute. I stood there looking in the mirror trying to substantiate the expenditure. I went through a list of things that I could wear them with and then I decided that I just didn’t need them and what I really wanted was a pair of brown boots.

I walked away from the black boots out into the main isle where sitting right in front of me was a size 8.5 pair of brown boots for only $9. I stood there thinking through the list of things I could wear with them. I was so close to stepping away from the boot display with the boots under my arm but I talked myself right out of them. I didn’t need to spend the money.

I headed to the check out, stopping only to wish that a very cute and soft coral colored sweater was in my size because it would be perfect with one of my skirts that I only have a summer sweater to wear with so I have to put it away for winter. I split my items into two orders: first, what I was going to use family funds for and then what I felt I should use my allowance for. I walked out to my car and proceeded to engage in a spiritual discussion over want and need.

Honestly, I didn’t need anything I bought today. At the checkout my divided items were “sort of” divided between what I could almost justify as need and therefore use family funds on and what I wanted and spent my allowance on. I don’t have any idea where I got the idea I wanted a pair of boots. I have never owned any or ever (even when they were killer popular years ago) wanted any. Today was actually the very first time I even tried a pair on and I’m 50!

(Now at this point I must confess something. I came home and told Beth about the boots. She has to get some things later at Walmart and I told her right where to find both pairs. She’s got instructions that if she thinks either would pass the “What Not to Wear” test to pick them up and I’ll pay her back. I figured she’d be objective over whether they were a “good” buy.)

What do I need? To this day I have the nineteen cent comb that I got when I went to jail. Some folks won’t keep anything from jail, superstitiously believing that if you keep something you’ll end up going back. I kept mine to remind myself how little I really need. That comb and a travel size bottle of no-name shampoo were the extent of my hair care products. I can get by on a lot less than what’s taking up shelf space in my bathroom.

What do I need? I was talking to someone the other day about the summers I worked and lived at Cedar Point. Those summers taught me how to live on PBJ and cup-of-soup. Do I need to indulge at the nearby coffee café or even to buy fancy flavored coffees at the grocery? Nope. Most of what is in my cupboards and fridge is not about need.

Then I started thinking about what I want. Most of the time, I can’t even answer that question. The choices for everything are so vast that I don’t know where to start. When Nelson asked me what I wanted for Christmas last month I had no answer. I think it’s the first year I didn’t have a list. And oddly, it was the very best Christmas ever. I so treasured everything I got because I knew the givers put so much thought into each gift.

What do I want? What do I need? I wandered through the aisles at Walmart looking at so much stuff and for once I came out pretty much close to only having what was on my list going in. I may just tell Beth to forget to look at the boots…I don’t have to have this all worked out today, do I?

Dumpage vs. Control

2008-01-11T14:38:00.000-05:00

I walked out to the garage and loaded my things in the car. I backed out and headed out the alley. As I pulled out onto the street my purse, which I had perched precariously on the passenger seat proceeded to fall, dumping everything on the floor. I laughed out loud. And here’s what I said: “That’s just great. That’s exactly what I wanted to happen.” Then I started to think: perhaps I did.

I like to be in control. My purse dumping on the floor spoke to me about this issue. First, I say I like to be in control, but I don’t do always do what can to control what I can control. I purchased that purse specifically because it has a zipper on the top so that I can close it and secure my belongings from dumpage. This gave me pause to reflect on what I have been neglecting to control.

As I dug deeper into the issue about control I realized I needed to confess that I while I had been negligent in some areas, I have over-functioned where I had no business. I offer lip-service that says I trust God, but I plan my life tight and leave very little wiggle room for God to work. More reason to pause and reflect.

Control is interesting and illusive. When I was a counselor and working with people who felt out of control, I would require them to come up with one thing that they could in fact control and then encourage them to do so. Often by claiming control in one thing (no matter how small) can help a person feel more secure in an otherwise chaotic set of circumstances. On the other hand there is the control ‘freak’ who attempts to control everything and then in the process loses control of everything.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers here, but this one thing I do know: I will be utilizing the zipper on my purse more consistently in the future!

Sleepy Ramblings

2008-01-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

I actually thought about sleeping in my office tonight. Everyone in my home is sick. Fevers, chills, sore throats, aching backs, coughs Oh my. Baby Asher is all congested and snotty. Ron feels crappy. Nelson feels better than death, but not by much. Beth is laying on the couch describing fever stuff and just looking beyond miserable. I’m finally feeling better. I hardly coughed today at all and I talked a lot because I taught in Norwalk.

Tomorrow I start the day in Sandusky (leave at 7:10, arrive at 8:30 and see participants until 11:30) and then dash to Norwalk to teach again (12-4). Since Beth is sick we rearranged the schedule at Curves and I’ll be covering the closing shift (5-8). It’s going to be one long day followed by another long day on Thursday (teach 8-4 and Relay for Life organizational meeting 7-9) and more of the same on Friday (ministerial breakfast at 7:30, Wayne County Jail 9-11, and Curves 5-8). I’m already looking forward to Saturday’s completely open calendar.

I don’t like wishing life away like that. It seems like racing the hearse. I mean who’s to say that Saturday won’t end up full of unexpected things? To not enjoy the gift each day holds, either because of it’s scheduledness or in spite of it seems utterly ungrateful.

Speaking of calendars (now there’s an interesting segue), I actually broke down and ordered a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies from a lady at Curves. She brought the sheet in for her daughter. (The segue comes from when I was a scout and our other big money raiser was calendar sales.)

Well, I better get this posted since I’m falling asleep. May all your dreams be sweet ones.

A Grace Moment

2008-01-07T14:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I had a couple winks from God. First, after a very special prayer time in our ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship) one of the people I respect so very much came up to me and shared that they just really felt that God was going to use my gift of pastoral care. Then as I was drying my eyes from that encounter God nudged me again.

During the summer I asked pastor if I would ever be able to provide pulpit supply and he told me that as long as I have to register I won’t be able to. Worst case scenario I won’t ever be able to (if I lose my petition and have to register the rest of my life) and best case it will be ten more years. So for all intents and purposes I will never preach there. It makes me sad. My heart aches to preach.

So I sat wiping my tears feeling my ache and Pastor stood to make the announcements. He began to explain the new Transformational Journal Devotion Prompts that were in every bulletin and God nudged me. No, I wasn’t going to preach, but I was going to make it into every home because I wrote the prompts. Wink. No, not 50 or 100 in a service but everyone in every service (we have four) was going to receive those journal prompts. And I heard the Spirit say, “I have so much more for you.” The tears came to quickly to wipe.

That’s so like me. I know what I want and like a little child I pout and fret when I don’t see it come to pass. How like God to have so much more for me. Sometimes it’s just so hard to trust…and wait.

Purse Shopping

2008-01-06T19:25:00.000-05:00

I went purse shopping today. What a headache. I went to Walmart yesterday and didn’t find anything like what I wanted. Today I started by making a quick stop at Goodwill . Nothing. I guess by the time a purse ends up at Goodwill it is really not worth having. Next I drove to Mansfield and checked out Gabriel Brothers. I found several that I liked and the prices were awesome. I ended up buying a cute and yet practical one that meets all my requirements. Yay!

I decided that I should probably check a couple more spots just to be sure that I didn’t settle too soon. So I headed down the road to TJ Max. I fell in love with the first purse I found. It was a Ralph Lauren. It was marked down to $60 from $129. I started laughing so hard that I ended up having a terrible coughing spell. For comic relief I went ahead and looked at the rest of the purses—I found nothing that I liked! I went next door to Target. Oh, there were some cute ones there and they were all on sale. I carried around one bag and almost bought it, but I just couldn’t justify spending another $11. I mean, what would I do with two purses that I could use at the same time? I have always just had one purse for everyday. I must confess that I also have a cute little evening bag that will never, ever wear out since I have so very few “evening” occasions. Additionally, I have a small bag I use when traveling. But to have more than one everyday bag is just a foreign concept to me.

While I was shopping for purses I checked out the wallets. Oh my…it’s been a really long time since I bought a wallet. They actually wanted more for wallets than for some of the purses I looked at. I will just have to make the one I have last a while longer.

Well, excuse me I have to transfer everything and find my change purse. I guess Asher wanted the coins. Too bad it doesn’t have a clapper.

Following a Hearse

2008-01-05T09:43:00.000-05:00

(Started this one Friday…finishing touches Saturday morning…)

I had an interesting moment on my way to teach at the jail this morning. I had just left our building in a bit of a state due to a run in with the copy machine. It only wants to act up when I don’t have time for such kind of nonsense. I felt icky. I had choked on a cough drop in the night and the resulting coughing was running late. Right then the morning was great big “grrrrr and hrumph.”

So I head out of town on the hilly bendy two lane state route and of course the inevitable happens: I am at the tail end of a line of cars that has no place special to be—except in front of me. I cranked the music and settled in for the ride. It wasn’t too long in to my settled state when I realized that several cars had peeled off and there were only two vehicles in front of me.

Even with this shortened line in front of me, I was not going to be able to pass (legally or safely). So I set my eyes on the lead car and started to ask myself why this guy had to be in front of me going so slow when I needed to be somewhere NOW! That’s when I really focused on the lead vehicle and the little light came on in my head. The lead car was a hearse. A hearse. No wonder it appeared to be in no hurry. Dead people don’t have to be any place special at any certain time.

Now once I was able to get past my “now don’t that beat all” thinking, I began to think about the absurdity of racing a hearse. I had just written journal prompts on a passage from Ecclesiastes for church and the words were coming to haunt me—as were some of the words I mumbled at the copy machine, but that’s a different issue, sort of. In Ecclesiastes 9, the writer says this:
Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle
to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent nor favor to the skillful; but time and chance happen to them all.

Just prior to that verse he urges the reader to live to the fullest because in Sheol (the place of the dead) there is no work, or thought, or knowledge, or wisdom. The writer encourages the reader by reminding them that they need to live now. God has blessed them to live now. And with that in mind, I need to be sure that I’m not just rushing here and there, staying busy just to be busy.
************************************************************************************

So now it’s Saturday morning. There will be no racing today. I’m going to go workout in a bit. I’ve been sitting with Asher since Mommio had gone to workout. He’s got a nasty cold so he woke up a bit crusty and barky. He wants to cuddle when he first wakes up---that such a hardship. (insert a knowing Mema smile)
Nelson is working. Two weeks ago they announced that there would be little to no more overtime and no more Saturdays. He consistently goes in at 5AM for over time and has worked the past two Saturdays. Extra blessings for sure! He was going to start a class at the nearby community college but needed to get a pre-req in first. He was a bit (big bit) disappointed. So it was a nice boost when they had him set up a machine—and it ran well! He just seems to be enjoying this work so much.

Well, that’s all for now…have a rest-filled day.

My Life as a Book

2008-01-04T07:39:00.000-05:00

Personally, I have always thought of my life as an open book. Until it became public and then there were things I would have gladly edited. Perhaps. These was an interesting exercise and I'm glad I tagged myself to do it. ")

If your life was a book, what Genre would it be and why? It would be inspirational/motivational.

Would it be a stand alone or a series?In my ongoing effort to decompartmentalize my life, I would love to see more than one volume.

What would the title of your life’s book be? I’m not sure. Right now two titles are vying for attention: “One More Look in the Mirror” or “No, Really, the Bridge is Out.”

What’s the spiritual theme of your book?God’s use of the reluctant, the unusal, and how He wastes nothing. I would want to bring the “beauty from ashes” theme, as well.

What would your goal be? I believe that out of my mess comes my message. My life was heading up when I made stupid and selfish choices that put me at the bottom. I am looking to help others avoid the bridge out and to see themselves as God sees them

What’s the motivation for your goal? Redeeming my experience, and being faithful to the process. Giving back and paying forward.

Who’s your hero? Referring to Revelation: the one who overcomes, the one who has ears to hear.

What’s your conflict? Human wisdom (and fear) vs. Godly provision and grace

Who’s your antagonist? Self, ignorance, arrogance, fear

Where are you in your life’s book? (The beginning, middle, end, have you reached your black moment, are you into your resolution?) Second half

Is there a happy ending? The best! It was already written. All this and heaven, too!

A Good Day

2008-01-03T15:43:00.000-05:00

I’m currently sitting outside one of the local coffee cafes (it's located in a mall of sorts, so I'm really indoors but sort of isolated but able to see outside), enjoying the quiet, writing a couple week’s worth of journal prompts for our church (they correspond to the pastor’s sermon for the week), and sipping on a yummy egg nog latte. Wireless internet is an amazing thing.

I had written devotional guides for our church last year and we sort of took a break for the fall quarter and just never got back at it until today. I received an email from the coordinator asking how soon I could get week one to her. She had it in a couple hours and then a couple hours later I just mailed her the second week.

Pastor is going to be doing a series of sermons from Ecclesiastes for the next seven weeks. I wanted to get a commentary to boost my knowledge for this task so I went to our local Christian Bookstore to see what they might have. I found a paperback commentary, but didn’t really want to spend the $14.95 + tax so I browsed a little further. Much to my delight, I found the same commentary on the sales shelf, only the sale copy was hard bound! And for $4.95 less!! I picked it up with a quick “thank you Jesus” and headed to the register. My delight had only begun! When the cashier rang up my purchase I quickly discovered that the shelf I picked the book from was half price—so I got it for $5.34. When the cashier told me to have a good day, I couldn’t help but tell him that it already was!

I wasn’t so sure how my day was going to go this morning as I headed to work. My morning task was going to be to teach the tough crowd at our building. I can usually have fun with them and turn a less than pleasant time into some fun (see the entry on my “p-ness”). But I wasn’t so sure this morning since I was feeling strong leading about tackling the topic of forgiveness. It’s not something that goes well with this crowd—about as well as talking about how they need to get a job. I am, however, very pleased and thankful to report that the discussion went very well. The first hour I laid the ground work for an upcoming series on conflict management and then spent the second hour on forgiveness. The group was surprisingly thought-full and open. It was really pretty awesome.

As I am sitting here typing this there is a heavy gray winter sky and a light, lazy snow drifting to the ground. It’s very peaceful. It fits how I feel. There’s a lot of things I could do tonight, but I think I’m just going to go home and bask in the wonder of the day—and play with Elmo, hug Asher, and probably wash a few dishes!

Valuing the Ordinary

2008-01-02T23:35:00.000-05:00

I’ve started three entries. Drivel. Blech. Nothing profound. That seems weird. It wasn’t a nothing day. It was just a day. I didn’t leave town because of the weather. I worked in the office, made calls, did some internet research, and made a bunch of phone calls to employers.

I think the challenge for me, since I have set a goal for daily entries in my journal, is to see mundane as valuable. That’s hard for me. I want to sound profound. But some days are average. Some days God whispers and the things that matter are being present, being open, being willing.

And now I’m going to bed. It doesn’t get more ordinary than this.

A Few More to Do

2008-01-01T21:09:00.000-05:00

The final 15:
(ok, this is not something I want, but I probably ought to do…) Have a colonoscopy.
Have a mammogram and yearly exam.
Have my teeth cleaned twice. (We pay for dental insurance so I should use it and I should be taking more conscientious care of my aging teeth.)
I need to take better care of my skin. It’s not a vanity thing: I’m not trying to be or look younger, it’s just that I have never been much of a lotions/potions person.
Go on a weekend away with my husband.
Go on the Sunday School Class trip.
Wash my car regularly and keep it clean.
Get the grandfather clock fixed.
Adopt a family at Christmas and get to know them so that we’re not just buying presents but really sharing Jesus’ love.
Get to know my neighbors better…at least learn their names (I would like to do that either here or at the new house, guess it depends on when we get the new house).
I’m going to cancel any magazine subscriptions that I can and not renew any. I don’t read magazines and if I’m really attached, I can read them online.
Try again to have a live draft Fantasy Football league.

Ok…I ran out of steam and day. I’ll work on this some more tomorrow…And for once I’m actually praying that it keeps snowing…I don’t want to go to work tomorrow!

Still Meme

2007-12-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

Still Loving: my job, my car and my laptop
Still Not: eating healthy consistantly
Still Glad: I work at Curves (and work out there, too!)
Still Enjoying: Having my grandson live su
Still Doing: my workouts on a regular basis (3 to 4 times a week)
Still Proud: of my daughters, they are amazing women and good mothers
Still Amazed: by how much my husband loves me
Still Hoping: to create more opportunities to speak and teach
Still Grateful: that God brought us to Ashland
Still Wanting: get training for grantwriting
Still Trying: to be consistant in my devotions
Still Failing: reading the Bible through in a year
Still Passionate About: helping people develop there potential
Still Taking up new things: like new counties to work in (helping to create our program in to new counties this year)
Still Dating: myself everytime I open my mouth
Still Have Not: ever had a manicure
Still Working: too much
Still Reading: about writing
Still Thinking: about writing
Still Wondering: what God has for me
Still Dressing: comfortably, but the quality has improved greatly
Still To Do: so much (I guess I have my own “bucket list”
Still Cherishing: my family, husband, and grandsweeties
Still Trying to Never: give up or give in
Still Will Aways: trust in God
Still, Still: I read that and I am reminded of my need to be still, and remember Who’s in charge here!

To Do List

2007-12-31T17:11:00.000-05:00

Another journal friend shared that she was going to make a list of 40 things she was going to do in her 40th year of life. I wish I had thought of this last year and done 50 things for my 50th year of life. Since I didn't I'm doing it for my 51st year...

51 Things to do in 2008
Lose 20 pounds and keep it off so that I go into the next year lighter and healthier.
Write three pieces and send them to be considered for publishing.
Come up with an outline and/or chapters for three different books.
Attend a training on MBTI.
Clean out the dining room so that it can be a useful space.
Reclaim the office. Cull books. File items. Take stuff to work.
Learn to make three or four new recipes that my family will want me to make more than once (that means I’m going to have to cook more and try several recipes that probably would be enjoyed by others—very far away).
Plant flowers.
Ride my bike at least one time a week.
Visit my mom in Arizona.
Buy a house.
Move.
Shop at a few auctions to furnish the new house with choice antique pieces.
Take a one day spiritual retreat each quarter of the year (making 4 for the year).
Take a class on Microsoft Excell.
Organize and put my files away at work.
Go on a weekend away with Annie.
Attend Women of Faith.
Bake cookies for Chairos prison ministry.
Hook up my surround sound speakers.
Practice my calligraphy and make some Christmas gifts with it.
Get a family photo done.
Read 4 novels.
Read a book on philosophy.
Read 4 biographies. I’m very interested in DaVinci so I think that’s one I’ll read for sure.
Write a successful grant to get money for Transformation Network to get the roof replaced and possibly the parking lot re-surfaced.
Attend a workshop on how to write successful grants.
Create a workbook with my lessons in it.
Arrange a hot air balloon ride for Nelson’s 50th birthday.
Write in my journal everyday.
Go to Shipshawana.
Have a play day with Beth.
Take the grandkids to the fair (or fairs).
Complete my Gramma’s Memory Book.
Help Nelson complete the Grampa’s Memory Book.

Okay, that’s 35. I’m going to keep thinking about these and come up with 15 more before tomorrow.

2007 Quick Review

2007-12-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

Okay. Let’s see what I remember from this year…a strained memory review of 2007:

January: we packed up and moved to the current house. Having more room seemed like heaven. Nelson was doing great at his job. Asher celebrated his 1st birthday.

February: Nelson surprised me with a weekend trip to Brown County Indiana for our wedding anniversary. It was a wonderful weekend.

March: Not good…I can’t remember anything.

April: I turned 50 (not going to forget that…perhaps that’s why I can’t remember March…lol). We also had our first Breaking the Barriers seminar for Transformation Network.

May: Ann moved home. Ron moved in. Nelson turned 49.

June: We moved the packaging plant without missing any work. It was insane. I went to visit Mom in Arizona. It was wonderful. We played 87 games of Scrabble!

July: We hired a new supervisor for the packaging program and I poured everything I knew into him.

August: The contract was renewed for one of our outlying counties and I had to play catch up. Mom had to have surgery and couldn’t come to visit like she planned. Ron moved out.

September: We had our second Breaking the Barrier seminar. This time we took it on the road to Coshocton County.

October: Ann turned 25. She and Nelson were on the outs. My job responsibilities began to change and be redefined—all for the good!

November: Beth turned 24. Things got really bad for Nelson where he was working. Nelson took me on an amazing surprise trip to Kansas City over Thanksgiving weekend. Caden turned 2. Ann and Travis' divorce was finalized.

December: Nelson started a new job. Nelson bought me a new-er car (2002 Jeep Liberty). I call her Smurfette: she’s blue and knows to handle herself in tough situations. She’s smart and sassy. Penelope turned 4. I received the life altering news from the attorney general about my legal status and it was a temporarily crushing blow.

So now I look back and see what I may have missed (checked out diary entries):
January: started my job at Curves. I work for t-shirts.
March: wow! There really wasn’t much going on then. Lol
August: Sheesh! How could I forget I had surgergy. Those must have been some good drugs!September: Bus trip to Ashville and Tennessee.

That will do for a mini-review…next comes what I want to do next year!

Emmanuel

2007-12-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

Emmanuel: God With Us
God…creator, sustainer, Holiness, worthy of worship and praise.
God…all knowing, always present, sovereign.
God…grace, love, glorious and amazing.
God…father, mother, friend, forgiver, redeemer, restorer.

God WITH us.
God…the one who is beyond time, who knows all, squeezed into NOW. He climbed into time.
He is with us: knowing hurt of loss of father; disrespect and discrediting of family (remember, his brothers thought he was crazy). He knew hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. He knew pain; dying the most painful and humiliating of deaths. He knew the loss of a friend. He knew what it was like to be lied on. He knew what it was like to be misunderstood. He knew anger and disappointment.

He had diaper rash, zits, hangnails, smashed thumbs.

He knew how to party and how to pray.

He knew the glory of heaven, but drew near and crawled into our existence.

God with US.
You, with all the stuff that frustrates, irritates, and separates me from you.

Me, well I guess the same could be said about me from your perspective.

So he chose us, individually and corporately. Which was more important to him? I’m not sure. His coming was for young and old, educated and farm hands, men and women. His coming was announced to those who were looking and dropped as bombshell on some guys hanging out in the fields.

Maybe I would do better to not ask the question. Or to ask a different one. Maybe if I could get a grip on the fact that his name is God with us and not God with me, I would realize in a whole new way how much he loves you, what incredible value you hold to him. And beyond just looking at you differently, perhaps I could look at “us” differently. Perhaps I wouldn’t be so quick to draw lines of differentiation and separation. If I could wrap my brain around how loved and treasured we all are by God and I really began to live that way, then…then maybe there would be less bombs, less hate, less ugliness.

That’s why these words, why this name is so special to me. In Christmas like no other time I celebrate hope—hope that came in the form of a baby. Hope that holds within the form of one so small a hugeness that defies everything I see and touch, and feel and calls me to look at it fresh and new…and with you.

Elmoliciousness

2007-12-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

Merriest of Merriest Christmases, one and all!

I've been up since a little after 4AM. I wish it was because of giftage anticipation. It was because of coughing. Coughing so hard I saw stars. I sat up in bed for a while hoping the drainage would cease and I could fall back to sleep. I dozed a little when I came downstairs. I have taken some musinexDM--hopefully that will help. The irony of it all is that I don't mind the cough near as much as I am irritated by the peeing. Getting old sucks.

I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Don't fret, Paula Dean and Cat Cora are perfectly safe. I popped open my Pillsbury can and grabbed some extra icing--coz they never put enough in those little containers. They were simple but yummy and let's face it it's not about the eats but all the treats.

It was an Elmolicious Christmas at my house. Asher was quite thoughtful about opening his presents--much to everyone's dismay and desire to seem him be delighted with everything. Just about every gift makes noise.

We made our way to Nelson’s parents’ home for Christmas dinner. They live in Toledo, about 2 hours away. It was a surprisingly pleasant time. Ann was there with Pnel and Caden. Beth, Ron, and Asher were there. Nelson’s grandmother was with us from the nursing home. She was slow of movement today, but her wit was sharp. She scolded Nelson, using his family name: Skip! Nelson’s mom fixed a delicious meal. We never turned the TV on! We took several generational pictures. And as I recall there were several wonderful gifts given and received.

And now we’re home. I called my mom before I got on here to type this up. I had written her a letter explaining the changing legal waters I’m wading in. She of course wanted to write a letter to the judge on my behalf--this is not the woman who raised me, but I like her so much better and love her to pieces! I wrote because I didn’t want to try and explain everything over the phone. It was a good idea. I also sent her the pictures of “the house.” She loved it, too! She told me she would help that dream become a reality. When she dies, I may not have a penny of inheritance (I doubt that will be the case) when she passes, but she gets such joy from helping us now (if she gives to one, she gives something to all). That’s her philosophy. She wants to enjoy giving, why wait until she’s gone to do that? No joy there.

Tomorrow it’s back to work. I think I’d rather play with Elmo and Asher. I like the way they laugh. Hope there’s a big gift of laughter in your day!

MBTI 101

2007-12-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

E or I
This is about how you get energy.
E gets energy from being with others: extraversion.
I gets energy being alone: introversion.

S or N
This is about how you gather information.
S gathers facts, sees what present, relies on senses: sensing.
N sees possibilities and trusts intuition: iNtuitive.

T or F
This is about how you make decisions.
T makes decisions based on facts and justice: thinking.
F makes decisions based on social and personal values: feeling.

J or P
This is how you organize life.
J is very organized, think day timer, think planned: judging
P is spontaneous and free-floating: percieving.

Here's someplace you can go on line to take a simplified and scored test and get your results: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

It would be fun to know what results you come up with.

Awake

2007-12-23T06:24:00.000-05:00

I woke up coughing and had to pee. Now I'm awake and coughing. The wind is wild out there this morning.

A couple of funny things from yesterday:
You all can imagine that getting through a green light is a prayed for occurance (Stay green, stay green, please at least stay yellow till I get through. Thank you God!) Well, at one of the heaviest trafficked lights we were behind a little car with teenagers in it. The light was red and he leans over to her (she's driving) and starts with the tonsil hockey. Light changes. Traffic ahead takes off. I start to laugh. Nelson starts to laugh. I laid on the horn. No quick toot is sufficient here. He told me I should have sped up beside them when I got a chance so he could put his window down and hollar, "Get a room!" It's a good thing we never did anything like that when we were young and in love...

At another point he said something and I quipped, "You're such an ISTJ (which he is and I'm an ENFP--totally exact opposites in MBTI).
He: I always have been.
Me: I know.
He: Is that bad?
Me: No, it's just that over the years it's become more pronounced.
He: And?
Me: (Now fumbling for the right words that will not sound judgmental) It's just that...You sometimes...Your J-ness (in comparifon with my complete P-ness) is well....challenging to get along with.
He: I am NOT inflexible.
Me: How in the world did you know the word I was trying to avoid? (He's not a psychology major...I guess perhaps he has been listening to me all these years)
He: I have worked on my Kreske impersonation (I think he meant Carnac, like on Johnny Carson, but I wasn't about to correct him since I knew what he meant...our relationship goes that way a lot: he corrects everything and I don't...saves on at least half the arguments).
He: Besides, (he continues) we're connected, we're more than soul-mates.

He's right.

He gave our poor server heart failure.
She: How's everything tasting (typical server question, asked on the fly-by hoping that nothing is wrong)?
He: There's a serious problem here (said absolutely seriously)
She: Oh no. What is it?
He: My steak is cooked perfectly and that just doesn't happen.
She: (Once she starts breathing again) Oh...I'll let the cook know (translated: I could just throw this plate at you mister)
Later, when Nelson is signing the credit slip:
He: So, what should I leave you as a tip?
She: (obviously uncomfortable with the question) Whatever?
He: You might want to do better than that.
She: Well, if you want to match my best, it was $100.
He: (Oh my gosh, no comment--you go girl! I'm thinking, but saying NOTHING!)
He left almost $15 to round our bill to an even number. He's just like that. It was about a 30% tip. He's so generous. For one brief second it actually seemed like he was going to drop the $100 on her. I wouldn't have even blinked. It would just be him and his way to bless someone. We don't have a lot but he feels compelled to share. Adopting the family from church was his idea completely.

Beth wanted a comforter set for Christmas. One of those bed in a bag sets. She gave us three options. The prettiest was also the most expensive--fortunately it was also on sale. If we just wrapped it, she would know we got it for her. So, tricky Nelson decides while she's out that we would take the shredder (a present he bought for himself) out of it's box (which has been sitting at the foot of the stairs for the past two weeks--I have the bruise on my leg to prove it)and put the comforter set in it and give Beth the "shredder" for Christmas. It's doubly funny because we shred everything at Curves and she was commenting to me on how "hooked" she was becoming on that machine. Now she'll have one of her own (wink).

Well, Nelson is going to take me to McDonalds for breakfast, so I should probably get my shower and get ready for church. Have you ever been to McDonalds for early morning breakfast? It's packed with the AARP crowd. Guess I better fill out my card...grins: I'm feeling old, guess I just didn't know how old.

Thrived

2007-12-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

We are almost all done. We got everything for the adopted family. It was fun to shop for little girl clothes, but I am far removed from the world of Barbie. The only things left are a Pizza Hut coupon for Nelson’s parents (we bought them a couple DVD’s: pizza and a movie) and something from Grandpa’s Cheesebarn for George (a munchie gift box of some sort). And then we’re done, done, done.

Shopping was not bad at all. Mansfield was busy but not unbearable and people were actually civil!! We hit Krogers first and not only knocked out our grocery shopping, but they also had over a 100 different gift cards to different places. Yay! After Krogers we went to Target. We got some good deals there. More Yay! Then we headed over to the CasualXL Men’s Shop where Nelson had a 20% off coupon so I bought him socks, ooooh, for Christmas.

And then it was time for late, late lunch. Oh my. Nelson’s steak was cooked perfectly: a fete that seems as difficult as a snowball’s survival in the tropics. I got ribs….which means I have more than enough in a white box in the fridge for later. Yum!

Nelson and I had a lot of fun today. We were finishing each others’ thoughts and sentences. At one point Nelson explained it by saying we’re really connected at a deeper than soul level. I couldn’t argue that one. I went out later to pick up a couple of more things (personal feminine products) and I was looking at the Christmas cards. There just wasn’t one that fit. I should probably just write my own. Nobody knows me better or loves me more. He’s not my friend he’s way, way more than that. He’s been playing chase with Asher for the past 20 minutes--running around the downstairs circle. They’re laughing full-tilt. I’m not sure how we’ll be able to contain all this blessed-ness.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I not only survived…I thrived.

Saturday Shopping Silliness

2007-12-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

Ah, the Saturday before Christmas. Every year I think to myself that I’m going to spend the day cozily resting in my home imagining the insane running around that everyone else is doing. But then reality crashes in on my dream and I realize I’m one of the ninnies hunting for any parking space available or waiting in the terminally wrong check out line. Sigh.

Last night Nelson announced that we were going shopping today after he gets home from work. I cringed deep within but agreed to his plan. Bigger sigh. I used to love shopping, but that’s when I did it all. Now he does so much on line, typically from eBay, that I’ve gotten out of the habit. I’m not sure if it’s laziness or if I’ve lost my will to shop.

So today we have to get groceries in Mansfield and then make our way to Target, ToysRUs, Best Buy, and Old Navy. In addition to the last few items we need to get for family (a couple things for Ann and Beth) we adopted a family from church to buy for. It’s a single mom with four kids (7, 9, 12, and14; two younger girls and two older boys). The things Mom told us about the girls are easy: Barbies and little girl things. The boys are an enigma to me. Their favorite color is black and they’re into video games and hard rock music. Hopefully that explains the need to run to Best Buy and Old Navy (besides they’re in the same plaza--easier and only one parking spot to secure).

Now while I was sitting here thinking through my plan of attack I decided if I was going to brave that much insanity I’m going to get a good meal out of it. It only seems right and fair. I just have to decide where. Here’s my list of appropriate possibilities (this is way more than a fast food fix): Ruby Tuesday, Red Lobster, Outback, or Chipotle. We like Ruby’s. We love Lobster, but tend to save it for special occasions. We have always liked Chipotle, but have ended up getting free meals when we’ve gone in the past. I’m not sure if it would taste as good if we had to pay. (giggles) I’m really leaning toward Outback because we’ve never been there together. Time for something new. My luck though, he’ll decide he wants to Golden Corral. Sigh.

My throat is better. It’s not as sore. My cough however has increased. I couldn’t even finish a book I was trying to read to Asher. It may be time to break out the Musinex. I opted not to practice my duet yesterday…hopefully I’ll have my voice back.

I will say it has been a wonderful morning. I slept in until 7! That’s a great big wow and thank you to my bladder. And I’ve just been playing with Asher. Beth went and worked out this morning and brought me home an iced coffee from McDonald’s. If I’m not careful, I might actually find myself imagining ways to enjoy shopping with Nelson.

Hope there’s warmth, smiles, and meaning-full connections in your day. Blessings of the season to you!

P-ness

2007-12-21T07:50:00.001-05:00

I think my tonsils have taken up a new hobby: ping pong. I did some scouring of webmd and feel confident that I don’t have strep throat. Strep is not typically accompanied by a cough. My cough is deep and bronchial. This leads me to believe that I am at the beginning stages of a good old fashioned case of bronchitis or based on the alternating tonsil pain just plain old tonsillitis. Both are probably viral, and we all know that the cure for viral infections is time, rest, and fluids. Yehaw.

Last night my throat became so ouchie that I actually gave in to taking one of those melt on your tongue Chloraseptic papery things. Ugh!!! I have NEVER been a fan of Chloraseptic—especially since that was the medicine of choice when I was in college. We used to tease that the nurse would give you Chloraseptic if you broke your leg. Nasty stuff to me. I slept fine when I finally fell asleep. I drank two cups of tea and honey before bed seeking relief. What I got was a caffeine buzz that revved me up when I wanted drift off to z-land.

This morning my throat is less sore, but I’m also seeming to about to lose my voice. This is not a good development. I have to teach class at the jail for two hours this morning. Our choir presentation is Sunday night. The choir also sings at 2 of the three services on Christmas Eve. And I’m singing a duet (O Holy Night) with the choir director then, too. Maybe I need some of that duct tape for my mouth after class is done. Hmmmmm?

Yesterday I taught class here in our building. Last week I was so frustrated I was ready to buy coloring books and crayons because I felt like all I was doing was babysitting. Yesterday was so completely different. I decided at the last minute to teach about personality again, this time using the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). I get so charged about this stuff.

For those of you unfamiliar with the MBTI there are temperaments and types all based on 8 personality traits (E-extroversion or I-introversion; S-sensing or N-iNtuitive; T-thinking or F-feeling; and J-judging or P-perceiving). I especially am drawn to this instrument because it focuses on the normal and positive rather than basing its findings on abnormal or negative. I come out as an ENFP when I take the inventory.

So I’m working my way through the descriptions of things and relating this to behaviors and work. I’m using myself as an example. I had been referring to my E-ness, my N-ness, my F-ness and yes, finally my P-ness. They lost it. I said it without even thinking. We had to take a break. I’m sure I turned at least 15 shades of red. But an amazing thing happened. I had their attention and in the end—they got it! I may forever have a p-ness, but they will learned some stuff that may help them to function more productively, too.

Well, it’s time to head for the jail. TTFN

Self-ish Insight

2007-12-20T07:48:00.000-05:00

The other day, after I finished my entry on “Of Shepherds and Wise Men” I sent it as an attachment to the director of volunteer ministry at my Church. We used to be able to post articles on our Church’s website. I wasn’t sure how to do that since the format had changed so I just told Wende to use it if she could.

Last night was choir rehearsal. As we were moving from the choir practice room to the sanctuary to finish practice Pastor A stopped me and told me he really liked the piece I sent Wende.

Now let me stop here and insert some confession. After I sent the piece to Wende I started having serious doubts about what I wrote. Some of the doubts just come naturally, but these were mostly based on the lack of feedback that I received. I’m not looking for any right now so don’t hear that. It’s just when I write something I feel strongly about (and I did that piece) it usually meets up with positive review. So either in the past you’ve just been overly nice or this piece wasn’t hitting you like it did me, or it was as stinky as the shepherds. So, I was wishing that I hadn’t sent it to Wende.

Then Pastor A walks up to me and tells me he really liked it---and he wants me to read it in one of the Christmas Eve services (7:30 or 10:00, I don’t remember which). Shocked. Surprised. Ready to ask, Are you kidding? I could tell he was not. So I went home and read it to Beth. She thought it was cute. While I read it I found a couple of rough spots and corrected those. Then I went to my bedroom, where Nelson had already headed to bed but wasn’t asleep and I read it to him. I found a few more things to smooth over.

So, boys and girls, what did we learn today? Audience and need. Lack of response in one arena doesn’t diminish value, it just means that the right market hasn’t been found. This is a writing for life principle that I need to let sink in to my brain.

In the past I’ve devalued my writing because I put it out wrong. Does that make any sense? I mean is it understandable? And I guess that the reason I need to get a grip on this is that in my heart I know I’ve got a book screaming to get out. I just need to stifle the voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t or I don’t have anything anybody would ever want to read. Do they make duct tape for voices that go off in your head?

Of Shepherds and Wise Men

2007-12-17T12:49:00.000-05:00

What if instead of imagining Jesus entering into our world, we would imagine walking into the first Christmas with Him. Where would we be? Who would we be?

As you enter, no really picture yourself walking there, would have already been watching? Would you be an ally of Simeon? Or would it have happened without your life changing at all?

We put so much emphasis on what really was probably missed by most. Life was pretty much happening the way it always had. It was harsh by our standards. It was mundane.

Who did get the word? Mary and Joseph had been told, warned if you will. Imagine for a moment what you would do with that knowledge. Who could you tell? Everyone thinks their baby is special, but isn’t just going a little far to call Him the Son of God?

Who else heard? Some shepherds out in the field taking care of their sheep. They were working. Whoever heard of God showing up at work? (Pardon me while I pull my tongue out of my cheek.) Stinky, not very well-thought of third shift workers got the news flash from an army choir of angels. God did not come on the scene with a: pssst, can I have your attention, please? Ah, no. He came with a blindingly bright (there’s no way to exaggerate this enough) light and a hugely huge choir.

Now, they must not have anticipated their fright level because the first words were, Don’t be afraid. Right. Who are you kidding? Most of those boys needed new pants and right now! To say the least, God had their attention. They knew what they should have been looking for. They just probably didn’t even imagine that God would bring the good news to them first. But they believed it and they ran—all the way to the stable to find their Messiah.

I wonder how perplexed they were to see the young couple with a baby. Sure, they had heard, well sort of, what the angel said, but maybe there was a glitch in the transmission. God knew what they needed. They needed a savior now. They needed God’s promise now. And what they found was a baby. Were any of them disappointed? Confused? Or had their minds and hearts been so touched by God coming to them, stinky shepherds, that they found a new level of trust and belief in the continuingly unfolded plan and promise of God. I believe there was some change, because I don’t read that they went away discouraged.

The only one who seems discouraged in the story is Herod. He got the news after the fact. Seemingly, way after the event, Scripture says that some time later the sages went to the house. And, I’m not sure he was as much discouraged as insulted and enraged and many innocent lives were lost as a result of his jealous anger.

Now after reading this, I bet you can’t wait to hear my take on “Emmanuel” and God being with us as an us (corporate) and us as a bunch of individuals together. But you’ll just have to.

A Peace-filled Saturday

2007-12-15T18:28:00.000-05:00

What a wonderfully lazy sort of afternoon.

I worked this morning at Curves. I worked by myself last night, too. The gal I was supposed to work with last night and then train on Saturday duties today called in yesterday MORNING to say she was sick and wouldn’t be in at 4:00 to work. She doubted she would be well enough to come in this morning either. I went to work last night even though I felt like crap. I could barely swallow—comes from talking too much with a cold. I just wanted to go to bed. But I worked. Alone. Honestly, I prefer it. I get the work done much quicker than anyone else and I’m typically out of there in half the time.

Today we weren’t too terribly busy. I think a lot of people stayed home or did their grocery or Christmas shopping earlier than normal to avoid getting caught in the weather. Typically the last club member is out of there by 11:40. I chatted a bit with our last member and she didn’t leave until around 11:50. When I walked with her to the door there was no weather happening. Ten minutes later there was an inch of snow and it was coming down fast and furious.

I kept one eye on the door and finished my cleaning. On a regular Saturday getting out of our lot can be tricky and result in a long wait and the generosity of someone kind enough to let you in. Today the snarl was compounded by an accident that happened right out in front. What a mess!

I needed to get something from my office so I crawled with traffic over there, picked up what I needed and headed towards home. What a difference five minutes can make! Our side street was slick, but I made it out to the more traveled road. Cruising along came to an abrupt halt at a light where I needed to turn right. My lane had had no treatment whatsoever. The road is a small hill—going down. At the bottom of the hill, at the light, sat a HUGE, old conversion van. And he was going nowhere. I needed him to move or we were going to have a meeting of the bumpers. I applied my brakes ever so carefully and proceeded to slide and spin down the hill. The guy behind me had the audacity to honk because I wasn’t moving fast enough. Fortunately, right as I was almost completely out of room the van advanced and proceeded to move ahead at sloth speed. The guy behind me honked again. I will confess that I was thinking about not so nice places to place his horn.

I made it home and my car is parked and will remain in the garage until I learn how to engage and use the four wheel drive.

It has snowed all afternoon. It was a wonderful afternoon for hot chocolate. And Asher was so excited to have Mema, Pepa, and Mommio home that he didn’t want to take his nap. He was obviously needing one so I grabbed a bottle and rocked him to sleep. He’s snoring softly on the couch across the room from me. The TV is off and I’m just soaking in the serene sounds around me.

I think that my peace-filled feeling is due in large part to burden or concern being lifted. Annie called last night. She was so excited, I swear she could just about jumped through the phone! She got a job. She had been working part time as a server for the country club in her town. She was very concerned about finances and the fact that the company was going to have a two week shut down in January.

A friend put her on to bookkeeping job for a medical supply company that works with people who are diabetic and IV users. When she called about the job, the owner told her that she hired someone else for the bookkeeping job because she wanted to train Annie to replace her. She told her that she had too much personality and people skills to sit in a back office doing billing. Annie was thrilled. One of the biggest pluses to the job is full insurance coverage starting immediately. Did I mention she’s absolutely ecstatic? Oh, and the job doesn’t start until right after the new year: thus enabling her to give a two week notice and not lose any pay on shut down!

Both my girls are employed and happy in their jobs. It makes this mom smile. And it was just such a peace filling, mind resting, heart buoying feeling. And to top it off, Nelson loves his job, too. It’s all good!

Good Meeting

2007-12-13T20:14:00.000-05:00

Bottom line: what the federal government is asking the state of Ohio to do is ignore their own constitution. Not a good thing.

Step one: present a petition to the court. We presented Mr. Good with the previous court's judgment and with the psychological that was done at the request of the court. He will familiarize himself with those and I will get a statement from my therapist, my former PO who requested early release from ccommunity control, and other letters of character reference.

The request will be to not require a change in status based on the previous court's ruling.

Step two: appeal based on the unconstitutionality of the law.

The attorney general of our fair state is very aggressive. Mr. Good feels that there are already a considerable amount of appeals in the pipe with regard to the new law and it's seemingly arbitrary changes in status for individuals already adjudicated.

He will hold off on the petition until the alotted 60 days are almost up with the hope that there will be no need to go to court based on the petitions and appeals already in the pipe.

When the meeting was over I asked Nelson what he thought and he said I had to answer first. Mr. Good is very different from Mr. Fisher. At my trial I needed a Mr. Fisher. He is older and his stability drew out a trust in me that was very important at the time. Mr. Good is more aggressive. He took a lot of time to explain things to us. He exudes a confidence that I need right now. Both men appear to be right for the time at hand!

Afterwards Nelson and I went out to eat. Friendly's. It was good. We talked for quite a while. That was good, too.

And your prayers were the best of all!

5:00

2007-12-13T07:27:00.000-05:00

Our appointment with the attorney is today at 5:00PM. If you have mind and heart to pray, please do. This is our initial interview. Telling the details of my story is a shame-filled experience--especially telling them to someone new and someone I need to have on my side 100%.

Thank you.

Just a cold

2007-12-12T07:11:00.001-05:00

I feel some better. I had to work last night at Curves. Even though they cut back on some people's hours, I went in extra to cover the circuit because Beth had three tours back to back to back. They would all laugh when she hollared out: Mooooommmm. I just smiled.

Since I was feeling so yucky I left when one of the other fitness techs arrived early for staff meeting. I went home and hung out with Asher so Nelson could go to bed. He still loves his job and his mood is so much better that I love his job too!

I went to bed at 10. I took two Aleve and slept really good. Last night I ached all over, but especially in my hips. This morning the aching seems to be gone and I'm just congested--so I think I'll live.

It was quite cool to have a radio while I traveled yesterday. Part of the time I listened to the radio and part of the time I listened to a Christmas CD. I am in love with my steering wheel controls. I can change things and not take my eyes off the road. It's wonderful!!!

Asher had a follow up appointment yesterday. Beth said it took all of 15 minutes (she knows because of the time stamp on the parking garage ticket. The doc flashed a light in his eyes and said he was improving come back in 3 months. Beth found out that the doc travels once a month to our town so she's going to set the appointment up for here rather than driving over an hour in horrendous traffic. Makes sense to me.

When Asher and I were hanging out, he began taking all the stuff out of his diaper bag. He looked up at me and in his way told me he had been at the eye doctor. I took my finger and held it up to his eye and said, "And she used a light to look at your eyes." He took my hand, ever so gently, and held it to his eye and repeated "eye doctor" several times, then he laid his head in my lap and smiled. It was the sweetest thing. So many kids are afraid of doctors, but he seemed to have such a peacefull reaction. It was just cool.

Well, I'm off to Stown today. I get to see participants, deliver paychecks (always makes me popular), and drop off boxes of Christmas candy to referring agencies. It's chocolates from our local "best chocolates ever" place. I'm sure that will make me everybody's favorite today, too!

May there be sweet moments and good chocolate in your day as well!

Sore Throat

2007-12-11T06:01:00.000-05:00

Can’t swallow.
Last evening I took a friend out to dinner and then to shop at Goodwill. Towards the end I was really starting to feel punky. She asked if I would come in and I felt bad begging off, but I could barely hold my head up.

When I got home I tended to Asher until Beth got home. I couldn’t find his glasses. When she got home neither could she. She got a bit testy about it and I was in no state to deal with that. Ron found the glasses when he got home. Asher had taken them off and put them in a cowboy hat in the less than traveled space in the dining room. Go figure. The reason it was so crucial to find them is that his follow up appointment with the pediatric ophthalmologist is this morning.

I would gladly stay home and try to sleep, but since I took last Tuesday off that is not even the remotest possibility as long as I can move. I can breathe okay, which is could. My eyes are gunky and burn when I leave them open for a few minutes. Swallowing is the real problem. I have no cough to speak of. I’m a little achy.

The challenge for me on a day like this is that my job requires talking--lots of it. I present the program in an orientation format. I follow up with participants, talking with them about what they’re doing to find work. I should also call on several employers to discuss meantime jobs (part-time positions to tide folks over until they can secure full-time placements).

I’m thinking I need to locate my bag of Hall’s soothers and dig out a mug I can keep tea in all day. Oh, and I’m supposed to work at Curves tonight to cover for a young gal who has a college final. Yehaw!

At least my new car has music….to bad I won’t be able to sing along. “)

God Winks

2007-12-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

So I’m sitting at my desk researching different topics related to my work to put together worksheets to use with my lectures and activities when I come across a quote:

Coincidence—God Winks—are little messages to you on your journey through life, nudging you along the grand path that has been designed especially for you.
--Squire Rushnell, When God Winks

Well, I couldn’t stop there so I did a www.goodsearch.com on the guy. I pulled up his official web site (http://www.whengodwinks.com) and started reading. There’s a really cool story about God-wink that his wife got. And it ends with this quote:
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”John Wooden, coach

So no I’m sitting at my desk and I can’t research because I have tears in my eyes because I think I just got a great big wink.

Blessings

2007-12-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

I love my new car. Wow. It's so smooth and cute. Nelson showed me all the gizmos and gadgets he discovered while driving. Then while I drove it around this morning I noticed little buttons on the backside of the steering wheel at 9 and 3--it was controls for the radio!!!! No more fiddling around leaning down and taking my eyes off the road. Now I adust the stations/tracks with the left hand and the volume with the right. It's so cool.

And it's blue. Now, to some this may sound silly, but I've wanted a blue car for so long. I like red or burgandy and have had several of them.

And it has a sunroof/moonroof--I guess that depends on when you open it. I used to have a car (Renult LeCar) that had the capability to open the roof top. I loved that. I think I'll love this too, especially since it opens and closes with a touch of a button while the former required stopping the car and manhandling the stubborn thing.

I just feel quite blessed.

Church was a heartwarming experience this morning. Our Sunday School class is being taught by one of my favorite professors again. The book we're using for study is "Reversed Thunder" by Eugene Peterson. Good stuff...that's all I'll say on that for now, but know this: there will be more!

Then in worship there were a couple of very sweet God hugs. One came from a woman who slid up beside me while we were waiting for the service to start. She put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a great big hug. All she said was that she knew things would work out ok. I teared up.

Then during the music portion of the service we sang the Christmas hymn O Come O Come Emmanuel. One stanza was a clear hug:
O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,
Who orderest all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
And teach us in her ways to go.

In that stanza I was assured that I was not being overlooked or forgotten, that my prayers were right on target, and that there is great reason to be celebrating the season.

I know I'm blessed.

May you feel blessed today, too.

Ho Ho Ho

2007-12-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

It’s been a full day. I got up and went to work out early. I hung out with Asher all morning. Around 1:00 Nelson and I left for the airport after a stop at Aldi’s to pick up a few toys for the sweeties. I dropped him off at the curb since I couldn’t really wait with him and then went to Easton to meet up with my sister. She had an emotional crisis earlier in the week and it was good to get together.

We had a blast shopping and eating together. When we got to Cheesecake Factory (about 3:30) there was an hour wait. Fortunately, the buzzer-notifier thingy worked at the two stores on either side of the restaurant (Barnes and Nobel and Crate and Barrell)so we shopped while we waited. Dinner was quite yummy! We ate appetizers for our meals and then split a piece of carrot cake cheesecake. Yum.

The real fun came when we walked around looking at clothes. She worked retail many, many years ago and she was being Cathy Critiquer of all the displays. It was a hoot. We ooooohed and ahhhhhhed our way through Coldwater Creek, Talbots, and Macy’s. I wanted to go to the perfume counter and smell all the expensive yummy perfumes. I was hoping to find a particular fragrance. I just love it when someone walks by wearing that scent. Next time I’m going to ask what they’re wearing because I didn’t find it tonight.

We looked at a scazillion sweaters at Macy‘s. We each bought one. We also dug through the purses. Sis bought a Fossil bag. It was so cute and really cheap. We bought some really well-discounted (70% off) leather shoes. And at Barnes and Noble I got the most recent edition of the Official Scrabble Dictionary and a Manheim Steamroller Christmas CD--since my new car has a CD player!!!

Nelson called while we were shopping at Macy’s. His flight (Skybus) was good to Greensborough and he had a nice tour of the Maryberry sites before he left for home. When he called he got really serious and said that he thought he should save me from the new car. In order to protect me he would make the ultimate sacrifice and drive that car. I read right through that ploy! It drives like a dream and he can’t wait for me to get it. He’s already more than half-way home. Hopefully he’ll make it home before the rain turns to sleet/ice.

Sweetest of dreams.

Always Find the Humor

2007-12-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your prayers. Here's a brief update to encourage you all to keep praying!

I was praying that God would help me find the right and best attorney for this case and situation. I smiled when B recommended an attorney whose last name is Good. Not wanting to rush into anything, I watied for Mr. R's recommendation. The attorney he contacted was too busy at this time but connected us directly with Mr. Good. I kid you not--that's his last name.

I guess Mr. Right is Mr. Good. Keep praying!")

Still Breathing

2007-12-06T21:27:00.000-05:00

Since I plan to use this computer quite a bit I convinced our president to allow me to download the business’ copy of Microsoft Office. It includes spreadsheet and power point. I’m excited to have a real typing program.

I have been trying to figure out how to download stuff from Youtube. I would love to be able to use some things when I teach. I found a really great piece on forgiveness (by the Forgiveness Project called the hardest word) that I would loved to used with my lesson tomorrow in the jail. There was a song that was really cool too, but alas it’s just not working.

Nelson talked with Mr. R again today and he had connected with a prominent attorney in town who is currently too busy to take the case but he made a referral and Nelson was able to talk with him briefly today. He wants to meet with us later next week. This guy is also one of the ones that the jury lady recommended, too.

Tonight was our Christmas dinner for work. It was okay. Tomorrow is the Christmas dinner for our Sunday School. I just don’t have the heart for partying, but I’ll do it because it’s expected of me.

That’s all for tonight. Sweet dreams.

In The Light of Day

2007-12-04T18:32:00.000-05:00

I'm still breathing. I'm not crying...as much. I stayed home today with Asher. He was good medicine to my heart. We played and watch videos and read a lot. Beth picked up their latest pictures from Sears. The proofs had been good, but the finished product was wonderful. I'll see if I can get her to help me put one one for you to see.

I got several calls about work. I only took two. Voicemail is a good thing. I'm going to work tomorrow. My heart isn't in it, but I'm just too blasted responsible to turn into a turtle. After spending the day with Asher I decided I could get quite used to the role of full-time mema. But since Nelson just bought me a car I probably ought to stay employed...sigh.

The attorney who represented me originally called today. He's such a precious man. He has several clients who he's representing in situations very similar to mine and he is arguing against the constitutionality of this law. He recommended that I seek local counsel because it would just be far too expensive to have him travel across the state to represent me.

I have sought the recommendations of trusted people here in town. I contacted one of the women in my Sunday school class. Her county position is that of filling all the juries (I can't remember what the official title is). She gave some good advice on who consider and who to avoid. I also asked Dan and Bob (higher ups of Transformation Network). Finally, I had Nelson ask Mr. R at work. I really respect his opinion--besides he has personal connections in the State Attorney General's Office.

I got up early this morning and went to the office before any one got there to make sure my files were in order and important paperwork was locatable. Have I mentioned my over-functioning sense of responsibility? When I left work on Monday I had intended to put things back together before I set out from town this morning. Once more I'm reminded of the lesson my mother tried to drill into me in my youth: don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today.

Later in the morning when my head was a little clearer I pulled out the letter and read the whole thing a few times. My classification has changed. It is the worst one. I am now mandated to report every 90 days for the rest of my life. It will also be required to notify all my neighbors of my presence.

I do have to opportunity to appeal. That's why I need to secure legal representation. I have 60 days from the receipt of the letter to appeal the change of classification and notification. I just don't have any idea how that will go.

I need a miracle. I need favor in the courts. These will be my daily prayers for the next 60 days. If you need more than that to pray about: pray that I will connect with the best attorney for my situation; pray that I will conduct myself appropriately; and pray away the spirit of despair.

Hell Located

2007-12-03T19:48:00.000-05:00

Okay. You are going to read pure fear, anxiety, frustration, and utter dispair. Not your typical fair from daisymarie, but quite honestly, I've had very few days lower than this one.
I wrote recently about the new Megan Law that will be taking effect on January 1, 2008. Today I received a certified letter from the state of Ohio. I figured it was just my notification. I opened the letter and literally felt as if someone punched me in the stomach. My head felt as if it was going to explode. I couldn't believe what I was reading. This has to be someone else's nightmare.

The letter said that instead of being in the lowest classification that has to register once a year for the balance of my time plus 5 years, I was now classified as the most dangerous of all preditors and would have to register every 90 days for the rest of my life.

I immediately handed the letter to Nelson who looked as ill as I felt. The next thing he did was call my lawyer. He wasn't in so Nelson left a message for him to call. I picked at dinner and then decided to go workout. I thought it would help. It might have, but I still feel sick.

I made two phone calls on my way to Curves. The first was to my friend Karen back where we used to live. In my message that I had to leave bacause she didn't answer I said, "Every time life kicks me in the gut I turn to you for sanity. Life has kicked hard please call me back." Then I called my supervisor and told him to call me back because I wasn't sure I would be able to work the next couple days.

Here's where my head is: I don't want to commit suicide, but I wish I was dead. I can't imagine worse news. If the lawyer can't straighten this out I have found hell.

It Was A Dark and Blustery Night

2007-12-03T04:23:00.000-05:00

Wide awake, I am. The kind of awake that just getting up and peeing does not fix. There was also an interesting mix of heart burn and heart yearn. I recall dreaming as I was waking that that I was writing a book about looking at houses. The book was about some wealthy person (the house had "servant quarters" that could be accessed by the exterior door for the personal assistant). It was weird.

I came down and turned on the laptop. I fiddled around with my Fantasy Football teams for the next week. I really enjoy that. It looks like I'll be in the play-offs against Nelson. He'll win. He has the better team. And that's okay. I can lose to him and feel okay about second place. It was fun to have Ron in our league, too. We talked about it last night. Ron said he enjoyed it enough to do it again next year. Yea! Another convert. ")

When I was done with that I started reading blogs and diaries. HeyJules had a wonderful entry about a volunteering experience at her church. It left me sitting here in tears and helped me see what my heart yearn was about (the burn was easy: Burger King for dinner). Her church provided a free family event that especially touched one woman who expressed her amazement and grattitude. Her genuine appreciation reminded me of the story of the lepers who were healed by Jesus. One actually came back and said thanks. I don't think it was that the others weren't grateful, they were just caught up in their new-found wholeness. The woman's response was incredulous as she was surprised that the "church" would do such a great thing for "people like her."

In my last post I mentioned how tired I am. I feel old. I feel used up. I feel like I have very little to offer. No, really. And my exhaustion was starting to build its own little "who really cares about what you do, anyway" nest. Not a good thing. Truth is, I hadn't had any recent visitations by healed lepers, or life-improved ex-felons, and I was starting to wonder if it was really worth it. I have been passionate about my work. I work hard. I teach hard.

Sitting here right now, I'm reminded of a sermon illustration. Funny where your mind can go at this early hour. Anyway, the story is about an old farmer. A flock of birds lands on his property in the middle of a horrendous storm. He tries to provide for them but they don't listen to his verbal invitation to find cover and food in his barn. They don't respond until he goes out and shows them the way. (I never was very good at using other people's illustrations...just like I can't tell someone else's joke.) I'm a lot like the farmer. I can't just tell people about changing life. I put a ton of energy into really coming along side and understanding them. It feels good when they get it. And so many more head away and I don't know if they ever do. It's like the story of the Rag Man (that will date me a bit; Ragman by Walter Wangerin. I just looked it up and found it online). I just keep giving myself away.

I think that's why I blew up at my supervisor on Friday afternoon. I had a job that I needed to find a worker for. I wish I could adequately describe how seriously I take that responsibility. The position was temporary, with just the faintest possibility of becoming full-time permanent. I called four people before I finally got one who called me back--but they all want jobs. The guy's wife was ecstatic. He was very appreciative. I felt good about the connection. Not twenty minutes after I sealed the deal, my supervisor called and told me that the company had contacted him and informed him that there would be no work on Monday so please don't have the new guy show up until Tuesday.

As the message was delivered, I became heated. I lost my professional tone. This was the second time in two weeks that this company had gotten word to me after the fact. That part in itself was frustrating, but it was the next words that pushed me right over the edge. I was basically asked what the big deal was, it was just a day. Just a day? This supervisor talks about knowing poverty and desperation on a personal level, but in that moment he really lost me. Yes, it was a day. Only $80 in the grand scheme of life. But the potential was, in the Mastercard venacular, priceless. What that one day could do for this discouraged man, for this overburdened marriage, for their hope deprived children couldn't be tallied in nickles and dimes.
On one hand, I want to go to work. I look forward to talking to the county area service providers at lunch and telling them what we do, how we specialize in not just getting jobs, but helping people make the life-style and heart changes to excell in life and be productive. But on the other hand, I am not looking forward to probably being reprimanded for my inappropriately unprofessional response to my supervisor. I know I was insubordinate. I deserve to be corrected. I will try to respond more appropriately in the future. But I also know that I will continue to be passionate and sometimes that is not always easily channeled and controlled. If it was would it still be passion?

So I'm sitting here wondering what Jesus would do? He was certainly passionate. Just ask the money changers in the temple about his passion. Ask Mary and Martha about his deep love when their brother died. What were the tender words that Jesus said to the widow who's son had died? But the tables only went over once. I need to keep that in mind.

Now I wonder if I can get a little nap in before the alarm goes off? Probably not. I'll just use the time to pray. May your day be blessed. Mine is already.

Better Than Control

2007-12-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

Home again. What a trip. It was raining hard all the way home. My body is all in knots from being tense the whole way home. When I got home, I found that the elves had been busy here! Nelson, Ron and Beth put lights up on the house, decorated the yard, and put up our new pre-lit tree. There's still work to be done but it is feeling quite a bit more festive here.

It was good to be with Annie and the kids these last couple days. I took them shopping to pick some groceries and a few other things they needed (like shoes, socks, and cleaning supplies). I took them out for Chinese buffet for lunch today after church. Afterwards, Annie told the kids to thank me because I paid and Pnel said, "Thanks Mema because she paid." Her gratitude quickly became a song that she sang the rest of the way home.

Asher greeted me at the door when I got home. He's getting around just fine. We've decided to decorate the tree that's at Asher height with things that he can't break. The other thing I'm going to suggest is having a tree just for him. I have a little two foot tree that I have a string of Winnie the Pooh character lights on that could be just for him. We'll see.

I'm tired. Very tired. I wasn't thinking straight or looking at successive calendars when I scheduled class again next week. Tomorrow I'm making a presentation to the county service agencies at their monthly lunch. I was hoping to use our powerpoint presentation, but I still don't know how to run the machine. And then there's two parties this week: Thursday and Friday. Sigh.

Nelson starts his new job tomorrow. He says he's nervous--I couldn't tell. He's decided to enroll in the nearby state university to improve his knowledge and skills on the CNC machines. One of the big changes will be he'll be working with graphite. I was hoping that the new company would have a web site so I could direct you there...maybe soon. All I really know is that it's much dirtier work. I guess we'll see.

Hmmmmm, life is in we'll see mode right now. That really used to be something that would bug me. I needed to have things planned out. I needed to know how things were going to go. I was always looking to have control or feel like I had it. Maybe being tired isn't so bad a thing. I don't have the energy to try and orchestrate life. In a way like I don't ever remember, I'm really okay with letting God be God. And that's a very good thing.

Asher Update

2007-12-01T17:55:00.000-05:00

After several x-rays it was determined that little man has a severe strain. They just had a ball with him. Even with his pain he was quite the charmer. He came home with two or three new toys and some candy--things we really need...giggles. Only thing for healing is time and baby tylenol for the pain.

I made it okay to Annie's. And just in time because after we did a little necessity shopping it decided to "white" outside...better get that all done before tomorrow!

Sweet dreams everyone!

Saturday Morning

2007-12-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

I'm going out of town this weekend again. After supper last night (yummy pizza from a local joint), Nelson asked what my plans were. I told him that I was thinking about visiting Annie and he sort of laughed and told me he had been thinking that's what I should do. So I'll be heading that way sometime this morning.

When Nelson turned in his notice on Tuesday, he was told Friday would be his last day and that there wouldn't be any overtime for him. He worked over a couple hours on Thursday, and 12 hours yesterday. He's going to get in at least 8 today and may get to work tomorrow, too. They're going to miss him so.

I woke up this morning with Nelson and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I thought if I piddled around on the computer a bit I'd get sleepy and toddle back off to bed. The only place I keep toddling is to the potty...sigh.

I had to take a break from typing this because Asher woke up. Last night when I got home he was limping around. He was favoring his left foot. Ron said that he and Beth thought he may have an ingrown toenail--it was a little red. As the evening progressed he became clingyer and wanted to be on the foot less and less. This morning when he woke up he was unwilling to put any weight on it at all. It doesn't appear to be his toe. After I went to bed Beth and Ron tried to work with him and found out he fussed the most when his ankle was touched. They thought back over the day and all they could remember was that early in the day he was climbing off the bed and came down hard on a toy that threw him off balance. He might have hurt it then.

Anyway...Beth is taking her shower now and is going to take him to the ER as soon as Ron comes over. In the meantime, I'm getting some quality cuddle time in.

Beth and Ron are gone now and I have the house all to myself. I should be getting ready to leave but I'm just enjoying sitting here in the quiet. Ah........I'll write more later.

Tuesday

2007-11-27T06:48:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow has become Today

Going back to work in a brand new outfit makes going back to work after vacation more palitable. There's just something to be said for knowing you look good that builds confidence.

Last night I bookmarked some toddler sites on my new computer. Asher loves to climb up on my lap and "type." It has way more to do with being the center of things than it with putting his fingers on the keyboard so I decided to make the time interactive and add some learning. Besides there's plenty of "non-lap" days ahead.

Nelson is going to give his notice today and accept the new position. As he was leaving he double checked with me to see if I still thought it was a good idea. There are so many positives it's hard to even list the negatives. The worst part, and sort of an unknown, is the fact that he'll be working with graphite--dirty, dirty work. We've thought a couple times that we should call the dirty jobs guy to come in and check it out. He'll just be black with the stuff. I guess we'll see what'll we see when we see it.

At his last visit to the ankle doctor, where he pronounced him severely arthritic in his ankle, the docotor perscribed Celebrex. It has helped immensly. In addition to reducing the pain in his ankle, the medication has relieved the pain in his back. He feels so much better that he told me last night that he'd like to add exercise to he days! It's been a long time since he's felt up to that. He did exercises when he was rehabing his ankle, but it was required of him, not something HE wanted to add or do. This is a very exciting development!

Well, I need to dash now...more later.

Coming to a Sweet End

2007-11-26T17:14:00.000-05:00

Well, we're home. We got in to Columbus around 1:30AM and to the hotel by 2:20AM. Nelson had a wonderful room reserved for us at the Marriot. Their beds are so luxurious. Nelson said he couldn't get comfortable. I felt like I just melted into a marshmellow.

This morning we had a quick bite of breakfast and then started shopping in Easton. The weather had turned cold and drizzly. We spent some time in one of my favorite stores: Barnes and Nobel. I found some really good stuff and Nelson copied down some titles that he's going search for online.

We had lunch at Cheesecake Factory. Oh my. We brought our cheesecake home and a couple pieces to share with Beth, Ron, and Asher.

When we pulled into town we noticed gas right by the freeway was 3.15. We held out to one of the cheaper spots and amazingly got it for 2.87. That was a nice find!

Nelson made me unpack the suitcases. I don't know where I'm going to put everything. I"ll have to get rid of stuff to make more room. I'm not going to be a horder!

It was so wonderful to see Asher. His "Hi, Mema" and "Hi, Pepa" were just like music to my ears. I think he's grown at least an inch and his vocabulary has doubled in a week. ")

Our very last vacation stop was at a shop here in town that we've heard good things about but have never stopped in: Grandpa's Cheesebarn and Sweeties Jumbo Chocolates. I bought 2 expresso caramels...oh my!!! We also bought something very special. While we were shopping we spotted some Advent Goodie Things. It's not really a calendar, but sort of serves the same purpose. The one we bought is a tree with 24 doors on it that the "child" can open to find surprises. It is such a neat thing. We're going to start it as a tradition with Asher. It's wood and handpainted. It's just darling and it looks adorable on my mantle right now.

I decided something this weekend: I could really get used to not working a 5 day 40 hour kind of week. To further that reality I bought some very specific books on writitng. My focus is on non-fiction so I got a book about getting more able and ready to do that and also a book on overcoming fear. I just have to figure out how to make money writing and only working when I want to or need to. I must still be dreaming...

I knew the dream was coming to an end today though because my phone rang at least 4 times with calls from work. Oh well, in a while we'll enjoy our cheesecake and tomorrow will just have to wait to intrude on my vacation!

Sunday of Vacation

2007-11-25T20:24:00.000-05:00

Slept in. Breakfast at Firstwatch Cafe: yum! Grabbed a Lamar's donut: oh my. I had forgotten the level of amazing wonderfullness! Death by sugar.

Then on to the Chiefs' game. We were in the end zone--out of the sun. It was cold, but cool. The game went fast the traffic moved quickly, and now we're camping out at a Super 8 until our flight leaves at 11:00pm.

This has been such a wonderful time away. Unlike most vacations, this one has felt so special. I have felt so out of my usualness it's been almost like a dream.

Speaking of dreaming, I think I'm going to take a little nap. More later zzzzzzzzzzzzz

What a Wonderful Day!

2007-11-24T20:34:00.000-05:00

There was a bit of a rough start to the day. It snowed and Nelson had to scrape the windows before we could go to breakfast. We ate breakfast in Westport at the Corner Restaurant. It was good. Westport isn't like we remembered it. So much is empty.

After we walked around there for a bit we got in the car and just started driving around things we remembered. Wow. We drove by the church I pastored on Rainbow Blvd. It looked quite different. Then we drove over by Nelson's old card shop. It looked so small. The area had changed some. We stopped at Walmart to buy some KC Chiefs' stuff--figured it would be cheaper there...and it was!

What surprised us the most was when we decided to stop by a nearby mall. It wasn't there. The earthmoving equipment was still on site. They had taken out the entire mall and adjoining parking garage.

Our next stop was Fiorello's Jack Stack Barbque where we met up with blogging buddy HeyJules. Nelson put it best: it was like sitting down with an old friend. We enjoyed a scrumptuous and bountiful lunch and then sat and talked for three hours. There was so much laughter and sharing. It was such a fun time. I hated for it to end.

Next we went to Crown Center and window shopped. My favorite shop was the Crayola Shop. I was ready to buy the place out for the grandbabies. It was nice to just walk around with Nelson.

We ran back to Walmart to pick up another bag to get all our booty home--I've never had to do that before! A quick stop in at Sonic for a cherry limeaid and now we're watching the KU MU game. A really sweet ending to a sweet sort of day!!!!

Incredible Vacation Day 1

2007-11-24T00:10:00.000-05:00

What a day!

We ate breakfast at Panera. Yum.

We shopped. I some beautiful things from J.Jill, Talbotts, and Ann Taylor. Nelson got gift cards off ebay and always makes sure that he gets them for a good price.

We ate lunch at a place called Kona Grill. Oh my! Nelson had the most amazing meal. His appetizer was avacado egg rolls with a honey cilantro dipping sauce. Then he had their Big Island Meatloaf. I know he was purring. ")

We shopped in the afternoon and then went back to the hotel to rest before dinner. Winter was at the M&S Grille--more incredible eats! Double yum!!

After dinner we made our way to the Lyric Theater for the KC symphony concert. We got there early--or at least just in time for the pre-concert comments. Right after we sat down the guest conductor and the composer of the one piece. It was so cool to sit in on this. I learned so much. The piece that opened the evening was by the composer and it was the American premier. It was so amazing, but as special as it was what came next was even better. A little 20 year old gal came out and sat down to play Mendelssohn's Concerto No. 1 in G minor for Piano and Orchestra, op. 25. The pianist was Yuja Wang. Oh my. Oh wow. I don't know who Mendelssohn thought would be able to play the piece. It just flies. I have to admit that about half-way through all I could hear was Little Einsteins doing their little "pat, pat, pat" that they do to get the music to speed up. Then I pictured a Bugs Bunny cartoon. It was bad because I started to get the giggles. Fortunately, I was able to pull myself back together.

It's just been a really wonderful day with more to come tomorrow. c It's just been a really wonderful day with more to come tomorrow. One thing Nelson had thought about doing tonight was taking a carriage ride, but it was just way too cold. Maybe we can get it in tomorrow. We saw the traditional white carriage going through the Plaza. We saw another carriage that was way cute too: a pumpkin that was all lit up with little twinkle lights.

Oh, and I am now the proud owner of a 2002 Jeep Liberty. We just have to figure out how to get to Mt. Airy, NC to get it. Nelson actually got such a good deal on it that he might have it shipped. We'll see when we get home.

Now...I'm ready for bed. All that fresh air has left me a bit sleepy. Sweet dreams.

The Surprise Revealed!

2007-11-22T15:40:00.000-05:00

Right before we sat down to dinner Nelson started acting like a game show host. He sent Beth and Ron upstairs. He said, "And now for the grand prize question. Daisymarie, how much do you love me?" I answered, "Completely." He shouted, "That's correct. You're the winner. Johnny, tell her what she's won."

Then he went through a list that left me with my jaw on the floor. Here's most of it:-we're driving to Columbus and flying to Kansas City tonight on Skybus.-we're renting a car and driving to the Holiday Inn in the Plaza (where the Christmas lights will already be on and one of my mostest favorite places in the world).-he has ticket for me to ice skate at Crown Center Friday night.-he has several gift cards for me to spend either in the Plaza or on Monday at Easton when we get back to Columbus.-we have tickets for the Kansas City Symphony on Saturday night.-we have tickets for the Kansas City Chiefs vs. Oakland Raiders game on Sunday afternoon. -we fly back to Ohio late on Sunday night.

And if that's not enough: he got me a brand new Gateway laptop with a 17" screen. It's got vista and office. It's phenomenal. I'm typing on it right now. It's going to take some getting used to the location of the buttons--but I'll suffer through! ")

The gift cards include: Crabtree and Evlyn, Ann Taylor, Talbotts, Barnes and Noble, J. Crew, and the Sharper Image. A couple new shops for me!

We've had a good day. Lunch was different with ham loaf and lasagna. Nelson made enough for an army. I'm abundantly thankful that there have been no words between Ann and Nelson--they've been cordial. I'll take it. I'm also smiling at the thought of pulling away from the disaster that used to be my living room. Thankfully, it will clean, too.

Well I need to finish packing. Easy on the leftovers!

Sweet Sort of Saturday

2007-11-17T20:19:00.000-05:00

I got my hair trimmed today. I didn't want much cut off, just shaped so it looked like it was styled and not shaggily growing out.

I worked at Curves. It was fun. I won't be working much in the future. I think I'm okay with that. The owners agreed to hire more help so they don't need me to cover my occasional hours, just an occasional Saturday. Nelson and I discussed it at dinner: we both agree it's for the best given how tired I was this week with all my teaching and traveling.

Asher broke his glasses tonight. He had been doing better at keeping them on. It happened on my watch. We had been watching a DVD together. I went to fill his bottle (has to have one while watching his moonmies)and when I came back his specially bendable non-breakable glasses were in two pieces in his hands. Let's hear it for warrenties. Tomorrow there will be a visit to Walmart.

Tonight Nelson bought me a car through autotrader. He was approved for a 2003 Huyndai Sante Fe. It's green with all the bells and whistles: including not only a radio but CD and cassette player!!! Woohoo!!! It also has 4wheel drive!!! We go pick it up on Monday. (Picture me with a big smile! ")

I started taking a suppliment in the Curves line that's called Glucose Management. It's all natural. It's amazing. My appetite has been wonderfully quelled and my insatiable questing for carbs has totally been reduced to manageable and healthy proportions! I can't say enough good about this stuff. I'm in my second week and I'm quite thrilled and satisfied.

And with that, I'm going to go read over my lesson for Sunday school tomorrow. I switched with the guy who was supposed to teach because he can't teach next week. Nelson arranged this. I will definitely tell you more about this later, but right now I don't know anything (insert wink here).

Teamwork

2007-11-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday's entry was pre-empted by a dead computer screen. How terribly inconvienent. Fortunately, it is still under warrenty so HP is sending a postage paid box for us to return it and we'll get a new by Christmas maybe.

The week has been full. The class is going well. The new format is somewhat challenging--mainly because it just doesn't seem like it's going to end. (We--translate I--expanded from 3 days to 4 since we went from whole days to half.) I'm definitely going to be ready for the weekend.

Beth's birthday is on Sunday. My baby is going to be 24. When and how did that happen? She picked Red Lobster for her birthday dinner. I've noticed a commercial for a shrimp feast that is just calling out my name! ")

The class I've been teaching this week started with 14, had 15 yesterday and this afternoon we gain 2 more. Yehaw!

One of the lessons yesterday was on the importance of teamwork but understanding it with the knowledge they had gained about their personality and its strengths and weaknesses. In the past Bob has taught this unit and uses an exercise that he likes a lot. I don't. It's just not me. So I did something else. ")

I dug out several of the large floor Pooh and Friends puzzles I used when I was still doing child and family therapy. They're big, about 3 foot. I had the group divide into teams of 3 or 4. Then in each group there were to be two "mouths" who couldn't use their hands and two who were "hands" and had to do as instructed with their eyes closed. After about 15 minutes I had them switch roles. After about 15 minutes of that I changed it up again by telling them to just put the puzzle together.

This was so interesting. Not one group planned or strategized they just dove in. All four groups were trying to put the puzzles together on the table--not nearly enough room. It was really hard to get some of the mouths to not use their hands. Frustration was all around.
I pulled a chair off to the side and stood up on it so that I could get a good view of all 4 groups.

Some of the staff out in the work area saw me and laughed. To say the least I'm a little unorthodox. But it works so well.

Today we discussing mission, goals, and priorities--unless I change it up a bit a bring communication over into today. The priorities lesson was Bob's too and I need to work and make it mine, like I did with teamwork. ")

Have a grand day!

Word for the Day: Marriage EDITED!!

2007-11-13T07:39:00.001-05:00

Marriage…I say the word and I hear the goofy priest on Princess Bride. Marriage is what keeps two people together. (Okay you need to know I typed this section AFTER the section that follows about Asher’s eye appointment. And the humor in remembering that line has melted some of my worry away. Read on, you’ll understand.)

I am married. When I have to mark on some application my “marital status” I usually mark mine “very married.” Nelson and I have been married since February 17, 1979. He could have left several times. I’ve not been easy to be married to. But then again, neither has he. He’s moody and chronically depressed. His body is breaking down. He’s a perfectionist. He doesn’t understand unconditional love. He is extremely opinionated. He is dogmatic. He is a procrastinator. And I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

He has loved and encouraged his children—even up to the big fight with Ann, he was trying to help her out. He gives unselfishly to others. He spoils me rotten. He cooks like a dream. He does the grocery shopping and is amazing at it. He fixes everything. He works harder than three people. He knows me and loves me. And it doesn’t get much better than that.

I never really lived independently. Summers at Cedar Point don’t really count. I went from being under my Mom and Dad’s care to being married. I don’t know how to be any other way. And though I could probably adapt, I think I’ll keep this arrangement for as long as I can, thank you very much.
****************************************************************************

Beth is taking Asher for his appointment with the Pediatric Ophthalmologist over in Akron. Since she made the appointment about a month ago his eye drifting has gotten worse. Everyone comments on it, but it just makes me sick to my stomach. I feel responsible. If weak eye muscles are genetically hereditary, then I am the passing culprit. I know that they typically recommend patches and other ways to strengthen the muscle, but the most effective means of correction is surgery—and babies and surgery just make me want to cry.

Beth was telling me that she had done some reading and most procedures are done as out patient surgery—they still have to put them under. And with the procedures being done with lasers, I’m sure that the residual scarring is minimal—unlike my scar tissue that prevents any further correction from being possible.

So when the phone rings later, picture me jumping. I told Beth to call me with the word from the doctor. She looked reluctant since she knew that I would be meeting with participants one-on-one in the morning and teaching class in the afternoon. This is one phone call that I’m going to take—no matter what!

Ron was going to go with her to the appointment, but got to work last night (through a temp agency at Archway Cookies). Beth called a friend and she’s riding along. I’m glad she’ll have someone with her to navigate to Akron Children’s Hospital and also provide extra ears to hear what the doctor says.

Ok…that’s enough about that. It’s funny—in that ironic weird sort of way. I don’t consider myself a worrier. Is this what worry feels like? My stomach is churning. I don’t feel like I’m thinking clearly. My thoughts are racing and skipping all over. I think I’m going to go get quiet before I dash out the door for Ntown.

More later.

Edit: I guess it's later. I just heard from Beth. Asher has a perscription. He is far-sighted. Beth is to get him glasses and that could correct the problem. If it does than great. If not then surgery may be indicated.Beth feels optimisitic so I'm going to feed on her positive attitude and trust.

Glasses might have worked for me, but my brother stomped on them and my parents never replaced them. Thankfully, Asher has no siblings. ")

KISS

2007-11-11T06:54:00.000-05:00

Today's letter is K:
-Kids, I have two of them.
-Krispy Kremes, I love the chocolate iced ones.
-Kennedy, I remember the day JFK was shot. My brother fell down the basement stairs and broke his arm and my mom made lots of black arm bands.
-Kansas City, I don't think of myself as a "city girl" but I really liked KC.

Today's word is KISS:
-First kiss was from Clint on the railroad tracks after the Halloween Party in 1970.
-First French kiss was from a very mysterious and passionate young man (at least three years my senior) that I met at the county fair in summer of 1971.
-Kiss that changed my life was from PR.
-I about knocked Nelson down to get my first kiss from him.
-Kisses that are the best right now come from grandbabies and mostly from Asher these days.

Writing Prompt: Most memorable kiss: a plaque that was on my dad’s desk that had the word KISS on it with these words written underneath: Keep It Simple Stupid. A statement that shapes me today.
********************************************************************************

Yesterday was fun. I was part of a mass choir that recorded back up on an upcoming CD by a man from our church. This is his second CD. He’s quite good. He’s from Venezuela. There were about 30 of us in the choir and the recording guy explained how he would make us sound like 90. The technique is overlaying. We recorded two songs. It took us a little over two hours. In the end we were able to hear a “rough cut” of the second song. It was so cool. I could imagine bopping down the road to it—once I have a CD player in my car.

Nelson and I went to a locally owned steakhouse for dinner last night. I had soup and a sandwich. I wish I just got twice the soup. When I asked what the soup of the day was, because that was what I was REALLY in the mood for, she told me lobster bisque. When I made a face that obviously displayed my “gee-I-wonder-what-that-tastes-like-I’ve-never-had-that” look she offered to bring me a taste. It was scrumptious. I liked it so much that Nelson is going to check at Gordon Food Services (big food distribution company) to see if they have it. Oh I hope so!!!

Today is church and football and I think I’ll take a friend out for dinner. I wonder if Jake’s has any leftover bisque? TTFN

Job

2007-11-10T07:10:00.000-05:00

Someone asked what kind of jobs I've done...here's the list:

-Frank’s Nursery: This was a plant and craft store. I loved this job. It was a great way to start. I learned to run a cash register. I learned to drive a tow motor. I learned everything I know and some of what I remember about plants there.
-McDonald’s: I only worked there about 6mo. When I worked there they just introduced breakfast.
-Country Dinner Theater: I was a hostess. I seated people and also cleared tables. This was a fun job. I got to see the plays, too.
-Peterson’s Plastics: This was the summer after high school graduation. It was hard and hot work and I was one of the youngest in the place. My friend and I talked about the other workers in our limited Spanish. I was glad to move on to college and determined to never work in a factory again! (Never say never)
-I worked in the library at college every year I was there. It wasn’t much but I enjoyed it a lot.
-College summers I worked at Cedar Point in the Hotel Breakers. I started as a cashier and worked my way up to Front Desk Manager. I really liked this job. This was where I learned that if you treat your employees well and set the standard for work by working hard yourself you get more work out of your best workers.
-I got married February of my senior year in college. I finished by independent study. I went to work full-time at Cedar Point Hotel Breakers. Before the hotel opened (it was only open during summer) I worked in the reservations department.
-In the fall that year I started working at a family owned pharmacy out in the store running register, stocking shelves, and tons of dusting.
-In July 1980 I accepted my first position as pastor at a very small and struggling Nazarene church. I was there until June 1983.
-I was pregnant with Beth when I left that little church. We moved to Toledo and started attending the church Nelson grew up in. They wanted to hire me as their Associate Minister of Youth and Music, but the senior pastor (whose wife had lost several babies through miscarriage) didn’t want me to work until after Beth was born. So I started as that position in November 1983. I was there until December 1984.
-In December 1984 we moved to Wisconsin where I became the pastor of an even smaller Nazarene church. They paid me for 6mo of the year I was there. Financially it was one of the hardest years we’ve ever known, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
-We stayed there a year and then were asked to come be the Assistant Pastor at a church back in Ohio. The people agreed to pay me $50 a week and allow me to rent the old parsonage of $400 a month. You do the math. This was a difficult time, but a growing time for Nelson as he started his own construction business. Several of the leading people at this church were military men and they pointed me in the direction of military chaplaincy. I was interested because the salary and benefits would provide some seriously needed financial support to my family. So we packed up me and the girls and while Nelson stayed in Ohio to finish a house he was building we moved out to KC where I would complete my M.Div in preparation to join the army.
-I was not military material. I realized that quickly. I took a position at a church in KC. It was a struggling church and we learned a lot together. I was in that position from October 1987 until August 1989.
-During spring semester at NTS I took a course called CPO: Clinical Pastoral Orientation. I fell in love. I realized the chaplaincy for me was hospital, not military. I moved into CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) and stayed through October 1991. I would still be there if the guys up the ladder from me would have moved on, but with no slots to move into I had to move on.
-December 1991 I began as a chaplain at an agency back in Ohio that worked with extremely troubled kids in out of home placements. In 1995 I began training in Pastoral Counseling. In 1997 I transitioned totally out of chaplaincy into counseling within the same agency. While with that agency I directed the Day Treatment Program and was out-patient family counselor and finished up as the residential counselor finishing in 2001.
-We were foster parents from 1992 until 2001, taking a small break from 1999 until 2001.
-I took a position as an interim pastor in a Mennonite church from June 1999 until October 2001.
-In June 2002 I started working at a convience store. I worked there until October 2003.
-I worked at a local family owned deli from December 2003 until February 2004.
-I started working in the packaging program of Transformation Network in October 2004. I moved into supervising that program with RCompany in March 2005. I accepted my current position as Reentry Development Coordinator in August 2006.

I think I’ll take the day off.

Inspire

2007-11-09T21:19:00.001-05:00

The word for the day: Inspire

Inspire

I don’t see myself, me, as inspirational, but I am about inspiring people to better their lives, to live up to their potential, to inspire others and each other.

Yesterday I was accused of being too simplistic. I smiled. I don’t see a problem with that. Why do we need to complicate things?

Today I worked on developing my organizational side. I had to have that bone grafted into me. I say to our administrative assistant that I’m not organized person, but…And he laughs at me. To hear him talk, you’d think I was a closet OCD (not to be confused with being anal).

Yesterday I convinced my supervisor to not wait for the big boss to clean out one of his filing cabinets for me, but instead to purchase the $15 horizontal two drawer cabinet for me. He agreed and I set about the daunting task of sorting through my files. I gave up about 1/3 of the way through the process. Now, instead of stacks around the edges of my office (so I had at least a path cleared to my char, I had files from front to back and side to side. I left work that way, knowing I would be out of the office today until after noon.

Today, after I was done at the jail (which went REALLY well—I did the same lesson as yesterday) I picked up the file cabinet, brought it to the office, had two guys struggle to get it into the building, cleaned it off and proceeded to fill it up.

In the process I rearranged the furniture in my office. I did have my desk on an angle facing the door upon entry. Now the desk is up against the wall. I have so much space in my little cubby office that three of us were able to meet in there and not bump knees. I was very happy. The downside is that it will have to be swept regularly…the good news is that it can be!

I worked tonight at Curves. And now I’m going to bed. Until tomorrow.

Hero Day

2007-11-08T10:33:00.001-05:00

Today we started with this little exercise to get us thinking outside the box:
(each thing is a well known phrase)
- Calmstorm

-dumpdowndump

-thinkuact

-cancan

-ban ana

-timertimer

-BUdropCKET

-don’t cry
spilled milk

-0
M.D.
M.B.A.
B.A

-working
time

-deathlife

-DAYdayOut

-OturnedUT

-haHANDnd

-pPPod

-#####
wait

We discussed the statement: change or die. And how a study showed that while people will typically verbalize that given that choice they would change, reality showed that change really only occurs in 1 person out of ten…9 would not change. (This part of the discussion was really hard for the group…but then again, so is change.)

From there we moved on to a discussion of HERO. (I thought this was quite interesting given the NOJOMO prompt for the day is about hero…what a “coincidence”…)
What is a hero? What makes someone a hero?
Who is your hero? Why?
Who sees you as their hero?
Where do you need to step up and be the hero?

And while I had them thinking big: we moved on to discuss GENIUS.
What is genius? What makes someone a genius?
Who do you see as being a genius?
What characteristics of genius do you possess?

Then I gave the results of a study that listed the top characteristics of identified geniuses:
-vision
-desire
-faith
-commitment
-planning
-persistence

It was a fun class. Today, the two hours flew by. I will probably use this less tomorrow in the jail when I teach there, too.

Lessons on Lessons

2007-11-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a long day.

I spent a big chunk of the afternoon trying to figure out what I was going to teach for my final lesson in Sunday School. I had planned to do a lesson on Advent since I was scheduled for the final Sunday of the quarter right before Advent. I learned at service on Sunday that there is a churchwide emphasis on Advent and a special workshop planned for Nov. 25 in the evening.

I thought about the story of the woman at the well (John 4), but really didn't feel any clear "go ahead" on that.

I did some research on the topic of forgiveness. This something I've been thinking a lot about lately and have some good material. It's just that I only have about 45 minutes and that barely seems like enough time to scratch the surface.

The other lessons came so easily. I don't know when I'll get to teach again so I'm feeling some internal pressure to make my final words really count.

I was just sitting here pondering. I thought about asking what lessons you might want to hear. Then I remembered how I had done "sermon in a bag" at the last church I pastored. Over the summer I had people sign up to bring an item in a bag and I would reveal the item right before the offering was collected. During the collection I had a moment to come up with an extemporaneous illustration geared simply enough for a kid's sermon. I loved the challenge. Maybe I should have the class bring in some items and pick a few to talk about in class. It's goofey group, maybe I shouldn't be so trusting....

Oh wait, I forgot an interesting twist to this plot. While I was at Curves working tonight one of the other guys I'm team teaching with called to ask if we could switch our Sundays. He has the 18th and I'm scheduled for the 25th. He's the basketball coach at our hometown university and I'm sure the need to change is schedule driven...and that's okay, it just means I have less time to decide and prepare.

Thankfully, there's still time to pray.

Meaning-full Connections

2007-11-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to a business meeting. It felt good.

At lunch I went to a community service agency luncheon. The food was good. Next month I’ll be the presenter. I’m going to have to learn how to run the power point before then. Have I ever mentioned how techno-phobic I am?

After lunch I picked up my paycheck from Curves. Yay, for spending money! That’s one of the reasons I work. I don’t have to ask Nelson for money. Have I ever mentioned my money and worth issues?

With my green in my pocket I made my way to one of the locally owned coffee shops (not to be confused with the large chain coffee seller down the road). I had made arrangements to meet with a woman whose life fell apart after a divorce. I had been called by a woman from church asking if I would be able to meet her and help her. I said I would, but had no idea what I would do. I was really clear that the more I thought about and prayed for the meeting one person’s name kept coming to mind, that of a woman who works out at Curves who is a HR person for an agency in a nearby town.

Wow! I got there early. Have I mentioned I’m a bit OCD about punctuality? I chatted with the owner of the shop. All of a sudden she asked if I was meeting Mary and I said yes. Turns out she knows Mary. I get up from the table where I had been waiting and meet her at the door. Instant connection.

I bought her a coffee. That’s what you do when you ask an unemployed person to meet you at a coffee shop. And then we sat and talked. Charming. Delightful. Witty. Wounded, but healing. Dynamic. She shared her story and then asked me about mine. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to her about my experience. It was not without shame (it never will be), but it was shared in a redemptive way that helped me show how my message has come out of my mess.

The more we talked the more clear it became that the HR person whose name had come to me so clearly was really the right connection to make. I’m excited to do it. So while she touches up her resume and writes a smashing cover letter I’m going to ask some “hypothetical” questions of my HR connection and lay the ground work for Mary’s application to that agency.

Then when we were done, we prayed together. It was a two-hanky moment.

I don’t always like where I am, but I sure love doing this kind of work. Meaning-full connections fostering growth and healing.

OD and NOJOMO

2007-11-04T07:05:00.000-05:00

At the other journaling spot I inhabit here in cyberspace, I've joined a challenge to post an entry for every day in November. It's called NOJOMO. Each day has had a letter of the day, a word of the day and a writing prompt. This being the 4th our letter was D. Here's my entry from there, not just to duplicate, but because the Peeves list was what I wanted to share here. ")

Letter of the day: D
-Daisy: I’ve thought about this inspirational person several times this week. She was the mother of one of my best buds in high school. She died from breast cancer in 1974. In a moment of teenage angst she counseled me to “never give up.” Her words are tattooed on my heart.
-Dogs: I would love to have one. A smart one. A housebroken one. I will wait until I’m not working or working less because I want to have a companion not just a chore.
-Daughters: Mine are quite amazing and I love them so much. They’ve turned into good mothers. And one of them is now my boss (still trying to get used to that).

Word of the day: Dedicate
-I have dedicated my life to following God and serving others as He leads me to do. Most recently that has linked me to the ministry of Transformation Network. I believe people can change if they have enough want to and are given the right tools. I guess I’m in the uncovering “wanta” and “tool distribution” business.

Writing prompt: 10 Worst Peeves:
(I’m going to split this one 40/60: 4 of my irritations and 6 ways I’m sure I irritate others.)
-What peeves me:
-Drivers who pull out in front of me (especially when there is NO ONE behind me) and putz on down the road.
-Adults who sit in meetings and crack their chewing gum.
-People leaving one ice cube in the tray, or less than one bowl of cereal in the box, or two drops of milk in the jug.
-People who finish the toilet paper but don’t replace the roll.

-How I probably peeve others:
-I willingly commit to something and then forget to write it down and unfortunately forget to do it. (Happens way too often and I hate it—make sure I write it down!)
-I lose things. My mom always said, “A place for everything and everything in its place.” I must have too many “things” because I’m forever losing them.
-I think out loud. Which means in a conversation you may think that I’m telling you something I’ve already made my mind up about (and therefore think I’m committing) when really I’m just processing information. It also means I talk a lot (aka: too much).
-I can do a lot in a little bit of time. One of the ways this irritates others is that I put off starting something until the last minute because I don’t think it will take as long for me to do as for others. This looks like procrastination and frustrates others (particularly supervisors and spouse).
-I say I’m sorry for everything. This is something I picked up from my mother. It makes me crazy that she does it, and I know it irritates Nelson.
-I answer a question with a question. This too, drives Nelson crazy. I think this is related to one of my other peeving behaviors of thinking out loud. I’m trying to process the question and answer it right (probably my next irritating behavior) and so to be sure I have the question right and all information to make a right answer, I ask another question. Ticks him off every time. I’m working hard on this. Each time I get it correct, I’m quick to point it out. “)

This exercise was interesting to me. I started out by thinking that I was going to have this long list of things that peeve me from others. What I found out quickly was that I couldn't get past four, but when I started out writing about what behaviors I had that probably peeved others I was clearly going to exceed my list of ten. I found much to think and pray about.

Scrambled Eggs and Brains

2007-10-28T16:32:00.000-04:00

It’s been a long week. My heart is tired. My head is tired. My jaw aches, but not as bad as it was (TMJ). My ear surrendered, and no longer hurts down into my throat.

I am officially the Reentry Development Coordinator. I’m still working out my schedule and responsibilities. Two things were taken off my plate. I was informed this week that two county jails are not interested in my teaching classes in their facilities. I was disappointed, but it wasn’t the worst news I learned this week. I don’t know how to talk about the piece that had me closing my office door (something I rarely if ever do), turning on my CD player (really loud) and having a good hard cry. Here’s the bare bones: the Adam Walsh Act was signed into legislation in 2006 by our president. All states must comply by 2009. Ohio will begin complying on Jan.1, 2008. The legislation is retroactive. Instead of having 5 more years to register, I now must register for 10 more. I hope that makes someone feel safe that this 60 year old grandmother will continue to be punished. I have written an article in response to this, and perhaps I’ll post it later. I need my response to be more than a knee-jerk reaction.

Wednesday was a highpoint of the week. I joined 1200 women at a even to raise money for breast cancer research. I got to hear Karen Vadino again. She’s an extremely funny motivational speaker. This was held at a resort near Cedar Point. It was an amazing setup. The food was phenomenal—especially the desserts! One of the activities was a balloon sale. Curves is a corporate sponsor and so we “worked” a bit here selling the balloons. Each balloon cost $5 and held a chance to win $100. It was a chaotic blast!!! I don’t know what they raised, but I’m sure it was significant.

Asher continues to bring so much joy to my life. He’s learning so much every day. He mocks everything you say. He says please, thank you, and you’re welcome. He was the cutest little skunk for Beggars’ Night.

Today was a quiet day. I needed it. I slept until 8AM and then went to work out at Curves. I was ready to stay longer and help out, but the woman who had scheduled a tour never showed so I came home. One of the things I’m really excited about has to do with Curves. Our manager got a full-time teaching position. The assistant manager is moving into the manager’s position. I had considered applying for the opening, but opted instead to stay with what I was doing (knowing growth was on the horizon). Anyway…Beth (younger daughter) is applying for the position and has an interview on Monday. I just firmly believe that she will do an excellent job. It’s going to be weird to have her as my boss, but we decided I’ll probably be okay with it since she’s been bossing me around for 24 years now.

Sunday morning…I slept until 8AM again. This is not a good habit. Nelson is cooking egg scramblers for breakfast so the house smells quite yummy.

I dreamt a lot last night and while I can’t remember all the specifics, many of them contained people from high school. I think the reason for that, primarily, is that one of my classmates died on Thursday. I knew her but she wasn’t in my close circle. She was diagnosed with liver cancer last year. And now she’s gone. I feel a sadness I had not anticipated.

I feel lonely, too. This week had much to celebrate and much to grieve and it would have been nice to do it with a friend over coffee or even the phone. On Wednesday, as much fun as it was, I spent most of the evening wandering through the exhibits by myself. I’m good company so I was sort of okay with it, but…

Well, the eggs are ready. TTFN.

Restructuring

2007-10-22T06:21:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s Monday morning at 5:30. I didn’t go work out this morning. I’ll go later. I’m just a little slow on the uptake. I felt sub-par all weekend—like I just wasn’t running on all cylinders. Nelson worked on the back yard on Saturday and I am so impressed: it looks like someone else’s back yard!

Today is the first day of my new job. Not really, but kinda sorta. My boss has been working for weeks on a restructuring plan for the ministry. The more he worked on it, and let some of his ideas leak a wee bit, the more I got the impression that my position was going to be changing. I lived in limbo all that time—a place or state I don’t do well in. The one thing that became more and more sure in my mind was that I was no longer going to be responsible for the packaging program. That program has been my baby for three years now. Dan asked me what I thought one of my biggest accomplishments was over the past year, and I said helping to get the program moved to the new building and getting the new supervisor established. So I’ve been grieving the anticipated “loss” a bit the past week.

In my meeting with Dan I learned for sure that I would not be supervising packaging any more. I will occasionally consult, but my plate going to be otherwise filled! My new title is going to be Re-entry Program Coordinator. I will continue my present responsibilities in Huron and Erie counties and at our new work in Crawford and Wayne counties. I will be responsible for the participants from orientation through job-readiness to job placement and then add the aftercare. I sat down on Friday (I had met with Dan late on Thursday afternoon) and began mapping out how I would do all that was going to be required of me. In addition, I will be doing the TNet3 class in Erie and Wayne County Jails. It looks like Thursday will be my only time in the office and I will be pulling a couple of Saturday trainings in Crawford County. My contacts with employers is going to increase also as I take that responsibility from both Dan and Bob.

It’s a lot, but I’m terribly excited about it. The even bigger news is that there could possibly be a position shaping up for Nelson. We were both sitting at computers last night (he on Beth’s and me on ours) researching our new possibilities and talking across the hall to each other about what we found. It was comical, but fun.

Now that I know what’s coming, I think that’s why I got ick over the weekend. I had been stressing over the unknown and the potential possibilities. I tried not to, but it’s just the way I’m wired. Once I knew what I could expect my systems relaxed and bingo: earache. Here’s the other thing I believe factored into that. I’ve been reading about inflammation and how what we eat impacts that. Chocolate, while having some good things is also on the bad list for it’s high fat content. What I found interesting was that one of the symptoms I read about was itchy and sometimes painful ears. What was my comfort food this past week? I indulged in two chocolate bars (extra large). The only improvement there was that I ate them slowly over the course of several days—something I never would have been able to do before, but something I need to not do at all. I’m back on track with better eating and flushing my system with plenty of water. I know what to do—I just need to do it!

One of the challenges that my new position brings will be eating while on the road so much. I’ve preached to others that it can be done, now I just need to do it. One of the positives that came out of planning out my days for the next three months is that I can show Nelson which days I have to have “eat on the run” meals and when I’ll have access to a microwave to eat something heated. I’m also going to check into a good thermos for my coffee, and while I’m at it a thermos for other “hot stuff.” I bought Nelson one several years ago, I just need to relocate it?????

I’m also going to have to think about what I’m going to do about Curves. But I’ll save that for another entry.

Have a marvelous Monday!

Ten Years From Now

2007-10-17T07:11:00.001-04:00

So, my last post was a challenge to remember. One noter asked a very interesting question: (I guess they really asked two.) Where do you see yourself in 10 years? What are some of your goals you are working on??

A. Where do I see myself in 10 years?
In 10 years I will be 60. First of all, just let me make this perfectly clear: I want to be 60. In some respects it feels totally foreign to even say the number, but then again I couldn’t imagine being 50 either.

So, in 10 years I want to have completed a Ph.D. in Organizational Culture. I want to be consulting with counties and businesses about the best way to meet the needs of those who are difficult to place and keep in jobs. I also want to be teaching those folks how to adapt so as to be able to find and keep work.

I also want to have written a book. There are so many in my head. I want—no wait. I want more than one book published by the time I’m 60.

I want to have the freedom to live in Arizona part of the year with my mom and the rest of the year near my grandbabies—who won’t be babies in 10 years.

Can I see myself doing all that? On good days, yes I can.

B. What are some of the goals I’m working on?
-I’ve been gathering information about various Ph.D programs and trying to figure out how in the world we could take on that kind of debt.
-I’ve started gathering some of my favorite pieces and articles to show someone who could help me get things rolling toward something being published.
-I’m eating healthier and continuing to exercise. My mammogram and bone density test both came back good, so hopefully health won’t be a deterrent to seeing and enjoying 60.
-I keep putting one foot in front of the other daily—even when it would be more fun to pull the covers back over my head.

I’m sure I’ll think of more things, but this will do for now.

10, 20, 30

2007-10-16T09:52:00.000-04:00

This came as a challenge from another blogger...These were my quick responses...Give it a try!

10 Years Ago
That would be 1997. We lived in West Liberty. We owned our own house (or were paying an enormous debt to do that). Our daughters were 14 and 15. Ann had just left for Brazil as a foreign exchange student with Rotary. Beth was liking not being in her sister’s shadow. We had just gotten out of foster care and were trying to figure out how to just be a family again. I was a full-time counselor at an agency that worked with kids in out of home placement and did some community counseling as well. I honestly can’t remember what job Nelson was doing right then.

20 Years Ago
That would be 1987. The girls and I had just moved to Kansas City for me to go to seminary at Nazarene Theological Seminary. I was pursuing an M.Div there to meet requirements for military chaplaincy. I soon learned that’s not what I wanted to do. I accepted a pastorate of a struggling church (Rainbow Blvd. Church of the Nazarene). I was told at that time I had the largest church any woman had in that denomination. I was also told to keep my nose clean because the future for all women in that denomination lay on my shoulders. A very unfair pronouncement that never should have been taken seriously, but I’m me and I couldn’t help it. Nelson was still in Ohio building a house with some very dear friends of ours—an opportunity we felt was too important for him to pass up. The girls were little and started school for the very first time. They attended a Christian School.

30 Years Ago
Wow, 1977. I was attending college at then Mount Vernon Nazarene College. I met Nelson fall of this year and was instantly repulsed and then madly in love with him. We were both in the musical “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.” He was Bud Frump and I was Smitty. We had our first date on October 8. He sent me flowers on 10/8 this year to commemorate the occasion.

That was a fun sort of trip…

Bigger Barns

2007-10-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

(Here's the piece I wrote for our newspaper recently.)

Bigger Barns
Scripture Text: Luke 12:16-21

Last week I traveled to Asheville, North Carolina with a group from church. While there we toured the Biltmore Estate. What an amazing place! Two hundred fifty rooms. Forty-three bathrooms. Four floors. It’s nearly four miles from the front gate to the front door. Now that’s a long way to go to pick up the mail!

Walking through the house and around the grounds I found so many moments when the beauty and attention to detail nearly took my breath away. What I didn’t understand while I moved from one incredible room to another was why I had such an empty ache inside. Oddly enough, I felt the same kind of ache as we toured a Cherokee village where we learned not only of their culture, but also of the devastating Trail of Tears.

Further reflection has given me some words to explain my ache. Experiencing the extravagance of Biltmore and the devastation of the Cherokee reminded me of Jesus’ story of the man who decided to build bigger barns. It was all about greed and our inability to be satisfied.

This is not a new phenomenon. I find it astounding that in the Garden, where Adam and Eve had everything that they needed Satan was able to hook their greed and lack of satisfaction by telling them if they ate of the fruit they would be like God. Before that moment, did they know they were different? Did they long for more? They had everything, but realized in that moment it wasn’t enough. And it hasn’t been ever since.

This battle with greed and lack of satisfaction poses some challenges as we seek to motivate people to better themselves. For me it is akin to the difference between striving for success and seeking excellence. When I read scriptures I don’t get the sense that God wants His children to simply accumulate more and more, but He does admonish us to seek to add character enhancing qualities that will build up the Kingdom. The things we are to add to our life to keep them from being fruitless and ineffective include: knowledge of God; self-control; patient endurance; godliness; and love for our brothers and sisters (see 2 Peter 1:5-9).

In the story of the rich fool who built his bigger barns, he talked and reasoned with himself. Jesus is quite clear that his life would be required of him because he thought more of storing up earthly treasure than developing a rich relationship with God (Luke 12:21, NLT). Perhaps this would be the best place for us to start dealing with our lack of satisfaction. Peter must have thought so too, as he put knowledge of God at the top of his list. Communicating our needs and wants to God instead of harboring dissatisfaction that festers into greed is what needs to happen.

Setting the stage for the barn story, Jesus clearly lays this foundation: real life is not measured by how much we own. What he doesn’t say is that if we let possessions be our standard than we never will feel like we have enough. Peter’s list moves from relationship with God to relationship with others. That’s where our focus needs to be.

So will you be building bigger barns or cultivating a deeper relationship with God and others? Focus on the latter might result in a lot less struggle, greed, and dissatisfaction. Oh, and you probably won’t have forty-three bathrooms to clean or as far to go for the mail, but what you will have will last for eternity.

Twwwwwoooooo

2007-10-13T09:20:00.000-04:00

The clouds were amazing driving to work today. I drive across three counties to get to where I start work on Wednesdays. Many times the sky forewarns of stormy changes, with it's dark, ominous cloud line stretching out ahead.

Today the darkness was dueling with the sunrise and the result was a panorama of different kinds, colors, and layers of clouds. It was so glorious and powerful.

On the way here, I was stopped by a State Highway Patrol officer. I knew I wasn't speeding so I was quite confused as I spied him turning around behind me.

I have only been stopped twice in my life. Both times I just got warnings. The first time we were traveling to my in-laws on Christmas morning. I was going 61mph in a 55 zone--out in the middle of nowhere where everyone else just flies. He let me off with a warning. Today, the very nice and young patrolman stopped me because I don't have a front tag. Well, I have it. It's sitting in the back end of the car. When Nelson had his accident last winter (rear ended someone at a stop sign when he hit black ice) the plate was knocked off. I left a rather heated message on Nelson's phone while I waited for the patrolman to come back with my warning. The almost humorous thing was that Monday evening Nelson and I were looking at the front of the car and he commented on how he needed to get that tag back on there. Day late...

Recently Asher has taken up a new pastime. He brings his little step stool to you and the game is that he counts and then jumps at you. We taught him that it's important to count when you intend to jump so that the receiver is aware and ready for their role. It's no fun and sometimes painful to jump and not be caught. So, now when Asher goes to get his step he begins counting, but he doesn't start with one. He says, "Twwwwwwoooooo." It's sort of sung with a southern elongating drawl. It's so adorable. Then when he jumps he looks up with absolute glee and announces, "Again!" Currently it's my favorite game.

The other night he put a variation to the game. He climbed up on his little step and turned around. He very gingerly inched his way precariously to the edge so that he was hanging on with just his toes looking like a miniature Greg Luganis. He announced, "Twwwwwwooooo." and "jumped" off. His pride at landing on his feet was incredible and he immediately climbed back on to the step.

Watching him brought back a very vivid memory for me of a time when I stood perched on the edge getting ready to jump.

In the summer of 1980 (eons ago) I agreed to be a counselor at junior high camp. I agreed, asked no questions, and showed up on Sunday afternoon well before the campers were to arrive. After the counselors all assembled we were marched into the woods to a ravine. We were busy commenting on the beauty of the location when some folks walked up and began to unload gear: ropes, clips, and gloves. No one seemed to question them so I kept quiet. Then the leaders informed us that during the week the campers were going to repel off the edge into the ravine some thirty feet below. I began to feel sorry for the kids. The next statements changed my feelings completely. In order to be encouragers and modelers the counselors were going to go first. What? No one had checked with me about this. The leader who invited me to be a counselor had failed to mention this little tidbit.

The next thing that followed was a teaching session to show us how completely safe this whole process was. The instructors must have stated two dozen times in their presentation how safe this process was and that they could be trusted. That might be comforting to the average person, but those reassurances never reached my quivering heart.

I had always maintained that I was afraid of heights. This lesson quickly taught me that I'm not nearly as frightened of heights as I am of crash landings.

I'm still not sure to this day how it was that I got into the harness and made my way to the edge of the ravine. It's quite possible that I experienced a dissociative moment. All I do know and remember is standing on the edge with a death grip on the ropes. One of the other counselors decided to tell me I was whiter than a ghost. I needed to know that? Another felt compelled to tell me that she could see my heart beating in my chest. I was sure she wrong because it was lodged somewhere between my throat and my ears.

I hung at that edge for what seemed like forever. I don't know how I mustered the courage to push off but somehow I did. The first movement caused my ropes to twist a bit and I crashed against the rocky side, leaving me scuffed and bruised. I righted myself and tested my brake. It seemed to be holding. I released and tested it again. Still working. Then I just let go and before I knew it I was standing at the bottom of the ravine. And I looked up at the instructor and in total Asherlikeness announced: Again!

I used this illustration when I taught the WINGS class on Tuesday and then again on Wednesday morning at the worksite. We were talking about whether our fears motivate us or cause us to shut down. The image works when we think about anything that we fearing to do. I was thinking it also applies to ability to trust God as well.

In Hebrews 13 we find the promise of God: I will never fail you or forsake you. It's a reminder of His promise from Psalm 118:6. It's like He's standing with the ropes in His hands, trying to assure us that we can trust Him, that He won't let us splat. Sometimes we can get turned around but that's usually because we're working against him. If we'll get it straightened around we'll land right.

It's good to be reminded that He holds the ropes. And we don't even have to announce the warning "Twwwwwooooo" before we jump--He already knows we're thinking about it. Now that's who I want to trust. How about you?

Like Hugging a Tree

2007-09-25T04:56:00.000-04:00

I recently commented on a friend's wonderful post about her father. As happy as I was for her, I must confess there welled up within me a terrible sadness. My dad died in August 1989. (8-9-89) There is no opportunity for resolution for us, but there is great motivation to be sure that no other chapter in my life ends that way. I wrote this back in 2002.

Like Hugging a Tree

My dad was born and raised in Canada. He moved to this country when he was sixteen. Not much is known about his childhood. Supposedly he was born a twin, but the twin did not survive, nor did the record of his existence. Dad was small enough to sleep in a drawer when he was an infant.

I have pictures that show him with a dog. He almost looks happy. He was made to play the piano, but hated it. They were too poor to have horses, so Dad rode cows for entertainment.

The pictures of when Dad and Mom were dating were of friends at the beach and around sharp cars. Dad was always surrounded by women. Recently my eighteen-year-old daughter described him as a “stud.” I guess he was.

Dad was devoted to his work. For as long as I was around Dad worked for Columbia Gas. He had no education beyond a quarter of college where he flunked Chemistry and never went back. This didn’t hold him back much. He moved up the ranks to some vice president position, or perhaps he was an assistant to a vice president. My memory is little fuzzy, because by then I was out of the house and married, focusing on my own family.

When I was in late elementary school Dad started traveling for the company. It wasn’t all the time, but it seemed to be increasing. Mom took a part-time job at the local library for about a year then. By the time I hit junior high school Dad began to travel weekly. He would leave on Mondays and be back Friday afternoons. I didn’t see him much on the weekend because I started having my own life. When I was home his nose was in a paper or on his chest, taking a nap.

Dad wasn’t very mechanically inclined. He didn’t repair things. He didn’t tinker. He loved his lawn to look nice and would spend a lot of time ridding it of weeds and making sure it was greener than anyone else’s around.

When I was in High School Dad developed a crafty side. He began making pine cone wreathes. He took orders for varying sizes. I don’t know where or when he developed this interest, but he was good at it. This hobby of sorts (and source of extra income) afforded an activity for Dad and I to work on together. As far as I can remember, he only asked for my help. We would go to different places (like the cemetery across the highway) and pick up the cones. I enjoyed doing that with him. Sometimes we wouldn’t find much of anything and just ride our bikes around.

Dad was the one to teach me to drive. Really, I think of my two parents, he was just the braver to ride with me. He was always telling me how he felt I was going to drive into the ditch. He also taught me to parallel park. He started with broomsticks in cinder blocks. When that was mastered he upped the ante a bit by first parking his work car in front of me and then at the rear. Fear motivated me to learn quickly. I could just see me creaming his car. I passed that part of the test with flying colors.

The women all seemed to love Dad. At parties, when I could sneak a peak (we were always banished to our bedrooms or the basement), I would see them hanging on him and laughing too loudly at his jokes and antics. He was always drinking and liked to see other people drink. When I was in college and my parents lived in Pennsylvania, Dad was in a car accident and charged with a DUI. As I remember the story, he played golf with the judge and pretty much got out of any fine or trouble.

Dad loved to golf. That was one of the things he and my husband had in common. My mom’s sister and brother-in-law had bought a house in a town in Arizona that was a retirement community known for its golf courses. Mom took up golf and they would go out together. They traveled a lot in those last few years of his life, but always looked forward to retiring in Green Valley.

Cancer killed my father. Or was it pride? Cancer was discovered in his bladder and rather than going through an ostomy surgery and having an external bag, Dad opted to go with chemotherapy and radiation. This afforded him about an extra year through remission. The cancer returned and with a vengeance, attacking his lungs and his brain.

In July 1989, Dad had a severe seizure. I went to visit. He was pretty incoherent. He had lost so much weight he didn’t look much like my dad. One brief moment on that visit Dad seemed to come out of the fog to give me wonderful advice and encouragement. Then just quickly as it lifted the darkness descended. He was gone six weeks later.

For all his flirtatiousness with other women, I don’t remember much tenderness or affection at home. He would kiss Mom and I would occasionally see them hug. But they never really seemed happy while I was home. The pictures of their travels seem to show them as cozy couple, smiling for the camera, in embraces that hinted at love and affection.

I remember giving hugs and kisses, at night, leaving for outings, or going away to college. Hugging my dad was like hugging a tree: stiff and totally unreturned, leaving me feeling empty and alone. I guess that’s why I’ve kept a tape of one our last conversations for all these years. When Dad called to say that the cancer had returned in May of 1989, I pushed the record button on the answering machine. In that conversation where he described only having months to live, my dad told me that he loved me. I have not only a piece of his voice, I have the words and they are precious to me.

Was it because of his upbringing? The alcohol? Or some other secret he took with him into death’s dark abyss that caused him to withhold gentle and warm embraces from me? I wonder. All I know is this, whether I am giving or receiving, no one will ever say hugging me is like hugging a tree. We all need tenderness, and affection. The world is too cold and hostile a place to send a child without the assurance of your love and encouragement. Make sure you really hug your child today!

Dance Dreams

2007-09-24T15:27:00.001-04:00

The class went well. At least Nelson said it did and I’m still getting positive feedback. I ran out of time and didn’t get to finish the lesson. We ran over and the choir was late for warm up, which I heard about from the director (oops…giggle). They seemed to enjoy picking out their Potato Heads. Oddly enough, there were some leftover. And sadly, the Potato Head t-shirt I ordered to where while I taught arrived today in the mail (that’s me: day late and a dollar short). I’m going to take it with me on the bus trip later this week.

Did I mention I’m going on a bus trip? Things have been so hectic, I guess I forgot. Our class takes a bus trip each fall. Last year we went to Gettysburg and Hershey PA. This year we’re running through Nashville and some Native American sites of interest (I’ll put the exact places in later when I can pull up my itinerary) and then on down to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, NC. I’m excited. Nelson doesn’t have any time off so I’ll be rooming with an older woman from the class. She’s a dear and I really enjoy her zeal for life. The challenge will be slowing down and talking loud. She’s extremely hard of hearing. It should prove interesting and fun! “)

This past weekend I was sucked in to an all weekend marathon. I watched at least some of every episode of “So You Think You Can Dance.” I loved it. My family just shook their heads at me—I’m used to that! (big giggles) Last night the final results were on the show from 11PM to midnight. I had been watching in bed but I started to fall asleep. The last thing I wanted to do was fall asleep and not see who won after watching all those episodes. So I went down to watch in the living room. I ate a snack even though I wasn’t hungry, hoping it would keep me awake. Wouldn’t you know it: I fell asleep!!! I was so disoriented I almost went to bed. But then the show came back on and I was able to watch them announce that person I wanted to win actually won!

I was thinking about the whole dance thing. I wanted to dance so badly when I was little. I would spin in my black patent leather Mary Janes dreaming I was a great prima ballerina. I remember wishing I could fly. This weekend as I watched the dancers, that’s what it sometimes seemed like they were doing, flying. Their leaps took them from the ground and it was as if they were suspended in air forever. It’s funny. As I’m sitting here at my desk, I can almost feel that soaring desire within.

I was amazed as I watched some of the expressions and movements. I don’t know how you are, but I know that for me I have always been too inhibited to find the freedom to move like that. They could make their bodies move in ways that I absolutely know my body is not wired and therefore never capable of achieving—certainly not now but probably not even then. They controlled their bodies. I have never felt.

And then there’s the whole passion thing. Have I ever wanted anything that badly? I feel like such a little kid writing that. But if I were a kid at least I would have my life ahead of me to pursue something. I’m fifty. So much time wasted. Okay, not wasted, but not focused.

I teach a unit in transitional class that invites the participants to dream about what they really want and then begin to think of how to bring those plans to fruition. It’s much easier to teach a principle than to apply it and live it sometimes.

Perhaps that’s what I’ll plan to do on this bus trip…dream a little…maybe even a lot.

Dilemma

2007-09-22T14:39:00.001-04:00

Or options.
I'm not always good at either.
The Potato Heads arrived and now I have to choose which lesson I'm going to do. I'm leaning hard towards the Potato Heads.

Edit:They're getting the Potato Heads tomorrow. I can't wait. Honestly, it makes me smile to just think about it now. No wait, that's not a smile...it's a full blown giggle.

Back when I was involved in full-time church ministry and preaching on a regular basis, the daughter of one my friends shared this interesting thought with my friend. She told her mom that she thought I could make a sermon illustration out of a booger. I never did, but it's a thought that has sure stuck with me (all pun intended...giggles)

I just delight in being able to take information and present it in fresh and memorable (or remember-able) ways.

So tomorrow everyone in class gets a Mr. Potato Head. It's been an expensive lesson, but worth every penny to me!

Beyond Mediocrity

2007-09-21T12:39:00.000-04:00

I went to the fair yesterday. This was the first time I’ve been to the fair in over 10 years. The last 3 years I haven’t been allowed due to probation/supervision requirements. It was tons of fun!!!

I had forgotten how much I loved fair food. I didn’t go way overboard, but I enjoyed a gyro, deep fried oreos (because I was “coerced” into sharing…), cinnamon toasted pecans, and lemon shake ups. Oh, my!

In the afternoon I ducked out of work for a short while to film Asher’s first foot race. Last year Beth entered him in the diaper (crawling) derby. He didn’t do well then and he was a hoot this year, too! He took off and then turned around and ran back to the start line and beyond. Realizing he was going the wrong way he turned around and headed toward the finish line. But he stopped about half way and began turning in circles. All this time he still could have won because none of the other children in his heat had finished. After about three circles one little child found the finish line. Asher was probably more pleased with the rubber ball he got for just being in the race. I got the whole thing on video and Nelson said I did a pretty good job capturing the it!

We went back to the fair after Nelson and I got off work. We went with Beth, Ron, and Asher. Nelson played the role of indulger. He purchased an unlimited ride pass for Asher. I wish I could have bottled the joy in that child’s face. He loved every ride! It was just the best stuff ever.

This weekend I get to teach our Sunday school class. I wasn’t able to get my Potato Heads quick enough. I did win two lots of them on ebay. So that lesson will wait until next month and that’s okay. Instead, I will be doing the lesson on material from “Experiencing God.” In addition to presenting the seven realities of experiencing God I’m going to use a bit of information from a lecture I do on moving beyond mediocrity. Last week when I taught the class a new format unfolded as I taught and I let the class know what a neat thing it was. I’m going to take the information and cast it into a spiritual sense. We’re going to examine why we settle for mediocrity in our spiritual life. I believe the answer to mediocrity (or at least one of them) is passion. Here’s the bare bones of the chart that goes with that portion of the lecture:

(no self) Aimlessness, going through the motions
(self) Mediocrity, settling, staying comfortable and in the familiar
(selfish) Success, typically about money or achieving and acquiring
(selfless) Excellence, passion

Many go through life aimlessly and rarely get anywhere (positive, anyway). Many more get some direction and move into mediocrity but stay there because they are comfortable staying with what is familiar. While the first group has no awareness of who they are (no self) the second group does have some awareness, but don’t take the opportunities to improve themselves. If people develop goals and begin to achieve they find a road to success that they hadn’t realized possible. Now if things go well here, I believe people will move into the next level. If they get stuck in the loop of achieving and acquiring the focus stays on self and can shift into a new form of mediocrity.

What it takes to move to excellence is passion. With passion comes a focus on others that results in selflessness. At this point I use the illustration of Olympic athletes. They are driven to levels of excellence not typically for self gain but for country. (I know that’s not true for everyone, and if pushed too far any illustration can break down. Just consider the spirit of the illustration.)

That discussion then will lead me to ask the class to consider where they may be on the chart, and more specifically, where they may be spiritually. As a segue from that into Blackaby’s material I’m going to use a quote by Stephen Covey:

When you study the lives of all great achievers--those who have had the greatest influence on others, those who have made things happen--you will find a pattern. Through their persistent efforts and inner struggle, they have greatly expanded their four native human intelligences or capacities. The highest manifestations of these four intelligences are: for mental, vision; for the physical, discipline; for the emotional, passion; for the spiritual, conscience. These manifestations also represent our highest means of expressing our voice.

Stephen Covey (1932 - )
Source: The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness, Page: 65

We’ll see how it goes. I feel good about it. I must confess though, I was looking forward to the Potato Heads. Later for him…and for you! “)

On Prisoners and Freedom

2007-09-18T11:55:00.000-04:00

Luke gives us a picture of Jesus’ early preaching/teaching ministry. In it Jesus appears to be clearly stating his purpose as he unfolds the words of the prophet. We find it in Luke 4:16-21:

16He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. 17The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
18"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed, 1
9to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."[a]
20Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant, and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, 21and he began by saying to them, "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing." (NIV)

The phrase that grabbed my attention was in verse 18. Jesus tells them in verse 21 that today that scripture is fulfilled in their hearing, so it seems to me that he is saying that God sent him to proclaim freedom for the prisoners.

I remember when I met with my lawyer for the first time. He cautioned me in my zeal to be honest. He recounted that many believers who found themselves on the wrong side of the law, who thought that by telling the truth they would be set free from their consequences. I don’t find that in scripture. My understanding of many texts throughout the Bible portrays a loving God who doesn’t remove the consequences (just take a look at David who lost his son) but who promises to walk with us through the consequences even to restoration (see Micah 7: I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him…The Lord will bring me out of my darkness into the light and I will see his righteousness.).

What then is this freedom of which Jesus spoke and the prophet wrote? Let me first begin by pointing out how important this message must have been both to the heart of God and the ministry of Jesus: this is his first recorded message. Position is a powerful indicator of the importance of a topic. This passage is heart and soul to everything that Jesus would be about.

With that in mind, I believe that the message was to the prisoners. Unfortunately, as with many of the things that Jesus taught, I believe that it was highly likely that Jesus was misunderstood. To a people who had known captivity and injustice this was a message of physical and national redemption. I don’t, however, believe that was the emphasis Jesus wanted to make. I believe that the freedom was not so much freedom from something as much as it was freedom within it. There would not be the removal of consequences, but there definitely was promised the grace to endure and actually be able to count it all joy.

I’m finding that one of the toughest places for a prisoner to find freedom is freedom from judgment. No matter how much time one has done in jail or prison or on paper, there will be those who feel it is never enough. And that leads me to the second audience for Jesus’ message: those who have never broken the law.

I remember the interview I had for my present position. One of the board members asked me when I had experienced restoration. In part, it depends on where I am. With my family, it feels complete. Among my closest friends it is complete. But it is in the church where I still struggle to feel forgiveness. It is in the church where I feel the oppressiveness of judgment. It is in the church where I feel the least free.

Now, please let me hasten to say that there are pockets of loving, accepting, and forgiving people in the church. They have ministered abundant grace to my aching heart and reached out in love and forgiveness. But this experience has not been across the board. And quite honestly, I don’t expect it to be. That’s why I believe that Jesus’ message is twofold. First, I can’t wait to find freedom from my circumstances. There will be people who feel totally justified in their daily role of judge and jury (and sometimes executioner). I have to accept them and accept the freedom in my circumstances that Jesus offers.

But I also believe that Jesus is challenging those who have stood in judgment and continued to hold crime against a person, never allowing for repentance or restoration. His challenge is that they should bring freedom to the prisoner as well. If a person expresses genuine remorse and repentance, restoration should follow.

Jesus’ words are life-giving to those who have been through poverty, prison, illness, and oppression, but the joy is short-lived if we aren’t lovingly restoring the wayward back into life and fellowship. Remember, it isn’t much further into His ministry that Jesus makes it quite clear that with the same measure of mercy and forgiveness we offer to others we ourselves will be judged.

(This is just a start…but I wanted to put the thoughts out there.)
More thoughts...

Let's consider a few biblical examples. Let's start with Paul, or Saul as he was still known. He is a murderer and an all out zealot to squelch this new band of believers. God has other plans and there on the Damascus road Saul experiences God in a whole new way. His life will never be the same. The problem was: who does he tell and how? No one is going to believe him. How will he ever experience the full freedom of following Christ and answering his calling if he constantly is judged for who he was? What if Barnabas had never stood up for him and in doing so set him free to serve?

Motivation

2007-09-08T17:17:00.001-04:00

I just watched a special on Bravo. It was a reunion of the Biggest Losers. I like the show. As I sat there though, it really got me thinking. I've put on some of the weight I took off. I was motivated in a new way to get back to eating healthy. I'm thankful I never lost the motivation to exercise. If I had I know I'd be right back where I started.

In two and a half weeks I'll be starting a weight management class at Curves. I'm going to be doing the plan 100%! My goal is to lose at least 15 pounds during the 7 weeks of class.

I work with highly unmotivated people. Sometimes I feel like a cheerleader, cheering on a team that gave up trying long ago. They aren't inspired to change because their mantra is: why bother? Things aren't ever going to be better.

Oh, there are a few that have risen beyond that. They have chosen to move beyond their self-defeating behaviors. They are such a joy to work with and I give them my all.

But what about the rest? How do I reach them? It's just not in me to give up.

So, I have a question for you, my readers. What motivates you? What causes you to set goals and then reach for them? What keeps you going when you'd rather give up? When no one else is watching what is that thing, that thought, that kick in the butt to get you moving?

Thanks for the input! Y'all are just the best!

Teaching this Quarter

2007-09-04T12:44:00.000-04:00

For the third lesson of my four this quarter I will be drawing info from Blackaby's Experiencing God. This book was very important to the healing process in the last church I pastored. Here are the basic themes:

SEVEN REALITIES OF EXPERIENCING GODFrom Experiencing GodBy Henry T. Blackaby and Claude V. King
1. God is always at work around you.
2. God pursues a continuing love relationship with you that is real and personal.
3. God invites you to become involved with Him in His work.
4. God speaks by the Holy Spirit through the Bible, prayer, circumstances, and the church to reveal Himself, His purposes, and His ways.
5. God’s invitation for you to work with Him always leads you to a crisis of belief that requires faith and action.
6. You must make major adjustments in your life to join God in what He is doing.
7. You come to know God by experience as you obey Him and He accomplishes His work through you.

This week I looked at (from Buchanan's book "Your God is Too Safe") moving from "borderland" (the place of comfort, familiar, and complacency) to the "holy wild." The key or answer being surrender.

In my next lesson I'm going to focus on how we are or aren't using the gifts God has given us. My key verse is 1 Corinthians 12:18 and the idea that God has put us right were he wants us and our gifts and the mix of the gifts around us are all on purpose.

Then looking at Blackaby's seven themes we're going to discuss that realm of holy wild and living and experiencing God.

Finally, my last lesson will tie the OT and NT together by looking at how well we "wait on God." I will look at a passage in Habakuk 2 and tie that into the rich but often ignored tradition of Advent.

I'm so excited about this.

Spud Lessons

2007-09-02T22:56:00.000-04:00

Class went so incredibly well. Saturday evening, I did something I rarely do: I started to go over the lesson with Nelson. I never rehearse. I didn't rehearse my sermons. I do the research. I prepare. And I get up there and deliver.

As I was sharing my lesson with Nelson, I was reading a big long piece I was using as an illustration (my entry entitled "Autopilot). I looked up at him and his brow was all furrowed. Much as he would like to deny it, he was frowning big time. I realized, based on his feedback that I'm a much better extemporaneous speaker than reader of information, that I needed to adjust what I was going to be doing.

I ended up depending very little on my notes. I gave the gist of the autopilot piece and I actually ran out of time. That was one of my biggest fears: that I would run out of material long before I ran out of time. I know, it's hard to imagine me running out of things to say...

The feedback I got was very positive.

So now I'm on to the next lesson. I won't get to teach again until September 23. I'm going to use a wonderful illustration from Bob Benson entitled "The Urn." It's a satirical pieces about the strife between denominations I'm using 1 Corinthians 12: 12-27:
12 The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. 13 Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles,[e] some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit.[f]
14 Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. 15 If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? 17 If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?
18 But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. 19 How strange a body would be if it had only one part! 20 Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. 21 The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”
22 In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. 23 And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, 24 while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. 25 This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. 26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.
27 All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it. (New Living Translation)

I'm going to use Mr. Potato Head as a hands on illustration. At the very least everyone will be going home with a piece of a Mr. Potato Head to remind them of their place in the body. I've been shopping the Internet and what I would really like to do is purchase enough Potato Head kids that everyone in the class would go home with one. (There are about 50 in our class.) I found a t-shirt and a sweatshirt for sale on EBay with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head on them. I'm getting one and I'll wear it when I teach. I love visuals and I love giving something to the class to tangibly remind them of the lesson.

Well, it's late and I think it's about time for potato head dreams. Sweet ones to you!

Lovely Morning

2007-09-01T11:17:00.000-04:00

It has been a wonderful morning. Nelson got to go in early for overtime, so I was up at 4:10 braiding his hair. After that I fell right back into bed and slept soundly until 7:30 when I popped up and dressed to go work out. I had a good hard workout at Curves. On the way home I grabbed two coffees: one for me (hazelnut, of course) and one for Beth (she likes hers without girlie flavors). Then I came home, made a fried egg sandwich, and made my way to the wicker on the front porch. Ahhhhhhh.

I have decided a few things this morning.
1. I am ready for fall. I am not into the extreme seasons any longer. I love the warming up and cooling down of spring and fall. I value being able to sit on the porch or the yard swing and enjoy mellow moments that the cold snowy days of winter and hot humid days of summer just don’t offer. It makes me sad when I see the leaves on the ground, but I will focus more on their autumn glory of their final hurrah.

2. I love looking at houses. But not just the structures. I love to notice the ways in which people declare that they are living there. When I was coming home from Curves I noticed a couple houses that had cars in their drives, but that was about the only indication that anyone lived there. There were no flowers, or personal touches around the outside of the house. The windows were treated with mini-blinds so there weren’t even curtains to admire. I drove a couple blocks and noticed a couple more of the “naked” houses, but also the lived ones. And I started thinking about what it means to be “at home.” By that I mean, what does it mean to be comfortable, present, and living in your shell?

3. Working at Curves has caused me to do something more in 6 months than probably all the 6 previous years combined. Ok, that might be a wee bit of an exaggeration, but wearing shorts and capris to workout in and work in leaves one’s nubby little legs out—not a pretty sight! (giggles) It’s funny: I really like the smooth clean-shaven feel.

4. I love the farmer’s market. Our town has market gathering on both Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. Today I went by myself. I perused the produce and ended up buying two pints of cherry tomatoes, two pints of the biggest sandwich tomatoes, and a flower arrangement of different colored zinnias. I didn’t think twice on the tomatoes, but actually struggled at the thought of spending three dollars on the flowers for myself. It seemed so odd to me that I wouldn’t think twice if I was spending the money on flowers for someone else, but really struggled to spend it on me. Silly. I drove home the three blocks, pleased with my purchased. Reveling in the beauty of the day. Our neighbors appear are a young couple with a mom living with them. Mom was out back sitting on their patio furniture, which is right next to the fence between our yards. She commented on how pretty the flowers were. I walked right over to the fence and gave her the flowers. She was so surprised, she was speechless. I love doing that. “)

Well, I don’t know what else the day will hold, but I intend to enjoy it! Hope you can, too!

Review

2007-08-31T15:59:00.000-04:00

Tuesday: my pain was at a 3 in the morning. It had been up to 8 on Monday. I had my ultrasound at 2:30. My paperwork had been faxed over and I forgot I was to drink a bazillion ounces prior to the test. Fortunately she was able to get a clear picture. The last time the girl was very calming and reassuring. This time the gal was a hoot. I laughed my way through the exam if you can imagine that. The funniest part was that my cell phone started ringing just she was about to insert the probe. We both just roared with laughter imagining the kinds of conversation that could take place if I had answered the phone.

(Just a note: It's Friday and I've been pain free for two days. I haven't heard from the doctor either so I'm going to work under the assumption that everything is progressing as it should.)

Wednesday: This morning I actually feel human again. Hopefully this is the beginning of better days to come! If not, a hysterechtomy is looking pretty good right now!

I missed teaching yesterday but I felt good taking care of myself. A good diary buddy suggested the very things I would have told someone else. She was spot on. I'm just not verry good at taking care of myself.

It appears that Ann and Travis are headed for divorce. My heart is aching for them. They just don't seem to be able to figure out how to be together. Ann called last night. They were having a terrible fight. She said that Travis had hit her. She went to Job and Family Services to begin the process of getting assistance and getting out on her own. She's going to stay over there where she has a job and so Travis will still be in the kids' lives. It's just so hard when they ask for advice and help but don't heed any of it. (insert huge helpless feeling sigh)

Beth and Ron, on the other hand, appear to have benefited greatly from their creating some space. It hasn't hurt either that they've discussed what they've seen Ann and Travis going through. So some good is coming out of that after all.

Thursday: I taught class. It felt so good. On the third day of this class I focus on self-defeating behavior, communication, and landing the job (resumes, applications, and interview techniques and skills for the ex-offender). When we were done one of the full time employees of the job store who teaches job readiness/prep skills came and told me that he had overheard the lecture and that I did a good job. That felt good. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on target and his encouragement helped me with that a lot!

Friday: It’s been a busy day. I started out at the factory/packaging program and did a bunch of paperwork. Then I came back to the office to prepare for a meeting our management team was going to have this afternoon to discuss how to rewrite our curriculum. I had some ideas I wanted to get down on paper. Before the meeting we had lunch at a restaurant in a nearby town where we have a jail ministry. I had a wonderful (!!!!) salad. After lunch we went to the town’s brand new library, secured a study room, started creating our curriculum. When we decided on the basic components and direction we agreed that we each need to come up with our design and then we’ll put it all together. I have two weeks to do that. Eek! Part of the urgency in this is that we’re presenting our program to a new county on September 26 in an all day seminar.

This Sunday starts a new quarter in our Sunday School. I was asked to be a part of a team of three to teach our class. I start this Sunday and we’ll rotate through the rest of the quarter. The teacher who just finished ended with a section on how faith isn’t safe. I’m picking up on that this week and using material from Mark Buchanan’s book, “Your God is Too Safe” and tying it in with my piece from a few weeks back, “Autopilot.”

I haven’t completely landed on all the rest of the lessons, but I think I’m doing at least one from Henry Blackaby’s book, “Experiencing God”, one on Life in the Body (drawing on a wonderful story by Bob Benson and Mr. Potato Head), and one on the real meaning of Advent. It should be a very interesting quarter.

Well, I’m done here and need to go work out. Have a great holiday weekend, if you’re in the States, or just a wonderful weekend celebrating the advent of Fall! TTFN “)

Owie

2007-08-27T15:14:00.001-04:00

It’s like my left ovary is screaming. I don’t hurt anywhere else. I have called the doctor again. Yesterday I was curled up in the fetal position. I was wondering, given the sharpness of the pain if perhaps it wasn’t my ovary, but maybe a kidney stone trying to pass. Advil isn’t touching the pain.

Dr. R just called and I’m going to get the next available ultrasound appointment.

They called back. There’s a cancellation tomorrow afternoon at 2:30. I have to be in Sandusky tomorrow teaching all day. If I don’t take that one I can’t get in until after 9/13. I am sitting here at my desk in tears.

I have never thought of myself as a wuss, but this pain is second worse I’ve ever know. First being childbirth.

I just called off from Curves tonight. The manager was obviously ticked. I’m really sorry. I was filling in for someone who had to go to her daughter’s pre-school open house. The manager has been taking days off right and left. I’m really sorry to inconvenience them, but I can’t stand up. Even if I went in and faked the closing hour, I couldn’t clean the place and that’s really all she wanted me for.

I just talked to Dan. He’s a good boss. He told me to work out the details with Bob (co-worker) to have him cover class in the afternoon. Hopefully Bob will be as understanding.

I’ve tried relaxation breathing. I’ve tried sitting all curled up. No relief. I almost wish I’d had those pain scripts filled now—but who would have thought that three weeks from the surgery I’d be feeling like this.

I know there are so many in real pain, who have suffered long. I feel like such a baby. It’s just that I’ve been fortunate to not have had to endure pain, not like this.

Bob is going to take the whole day of teaching and we worked out plans for if I don’t feel well Wednesday. Bob and John the admin assistant just prayed for me and now I’m going home..

")

2007-08-24T09:45:00.001-04:00

Last night I wanted to write, but it’s hard when you’re doubled over with cramps. Today I’m fine. They seem to be worse in the evening. My family is getting concerned. I’m just tired.

It’s been a rough week. Penelope is in full 3yr mode: cute as a button, ornery as the dickens, stubborn as a mule, smart as a whip, and more opinionated than a sixteen year old! We think it might be better to consider shorter stays. The one nice thing is that she is very well-potty trained. We’ve only had one accident and that was probably my fault for not realizing how late it was when I gave her something to drink before bedtime. Ann and Travis will be here today with Caden for the weekend. “)

Ron moved out this week. I miss having him around, but I know it’s the right thing for their relationship. They needed some space. Hopefully this will help heal things and enable to know if they’re ready to move on in their relationship. It’s just so hard to balance support and opinion.

Nelson may be going to second shift at Rcompany. We’ve had to really talk about how life is going to go if he does. Will I still be able to work at Curves? Hopefully. If Beth can request and secure Tuesday nights off then, it looks like a definite yes. If not, but Beth and Ron stay together, perhaps he’ll be able to work his schedule so he can watch Asher and I’ll be able to work. I had to talk to my boss because I’ll need to be home by 3:30 some days or 4:00 on others. That’s not unreasonable since most days I go in at 6:30. When I go home I’ll have my cell and access to the internet so I can carry on some business. But we’ll just have to wait until Monday to see if the shift will be changed for sure.

Another really neat thing happened for Nelson at work, too. He has worked in home building, remodeling, carpentry, and the like for most of our married life. When he wasn’t doing that he was cooking in a restaurant. So this transition to manufacturing has been different. I thought it would be more challenging for him. He has learned to run at least three different CNC (computer numeric controlled) machines on the fly. Most CNC operators go to school to learn what he has in a short period of time. He’s done well and I’m so very proud of him. Anyway, earlier this week his boss (my old boss who I think the world of) came and told him that he was going to go to Michigan next week with one of the company engineers and the guy responsible for the gages in the plant to learn some new gaging system. They’ll leave on Wednesday morning and return Thursday evening. Did I mention how proud I am of him? “)

Work has been interesting. We had a bomb threat yesterday at the worksite (fortunately I wasn’t there at the time). It was probably called in by a disgruntled employee. We were contacted by two lawyers regarding matters with former employees. Oh, and someone filed an OSHA complaint. It’s never dull with the folks I work with!

I was supposed to lead a workshop for the Huron County Job and Family Services on interview skills. I stopped on my way at the Goodwill to prove a point. While I was there I bought a faux three piece Alfred Dunner suit (pants, and a jacket with a “fake” vest. So many times when I tell people how they should dress for interviews they tell me that they can’t afford it. I bought a name brand, quality, good condition suit for $10. I was excited to include my purchase in my lecture, when I was informed as I arrived that no one had shown for the class. Sigh. I guess I’ll save my notes for another time and just look forward to wearing my new suit! “)

Have a smile filled day! “)

For Fun

2007-08-18T12:31:00.000-04:00

One word. No explanations.
1. Yourself: optimistic
2. Your spouse: blessing
3. Your hair: fine
4. Your mother: fun
5. Your father: gone
6. Your favorite item: computer
7. Your dream last night: unremembered
8. Your favorite drink: icecoffee
9. Your dream car: unpurchasable
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your ex: married
12. Your fear: multiple
13. What you want to be in 10 years: content
14. Who you hung out with last night: grandkids
15. What you're not: disciplined
16. Muffins: mega
17: One of your wish list items: laptop
18: Time: fleeting
19. The last thing you did: played
20. What you are wearing: shorts
21. Your favorite weather: spring
22. Your favorite book: Bible
23. The last thing you ate: pbj
24. Your life: full
25. Your mood: anticipatory
26. Your best friend: troubled
27. What you're thinking about right now: hunger
28. Your car: parked
29. What you are doing at the moment: enjoying
30. Your summer: over
31. Your relationship status: married
32. What is on your TV: cartoons
33. What is the weather like: autumnal
34. When was the last time you laughed: now

Finding My Smile

2007-08-18T07:36:00.000-04:00

It's Saturday morning. I'm about to head out to Curves. I've been up for little over a half hour. I slept better last night. It's supposed to be cooler today. I get to spend the day with three of my favorite people, doing something I usually enjoy: shopping. I'm anticipating a rise in the smile factor today!

Nelson was able to get some overtime in today. His machine has been down most of the week so he's been filling in wherever all week and that typically doesn't lead to overtime. The break has been somewhat nice, but we don't want to break the bank either!

It's been stressful here for young Beth and Ron. It's definitely a matter for prayer.

We met Annie halfway last night to make the Penelope swap. Caden was saying "Mema." It just tickled my heart. He's getting so many more words. I won't surprised if doesn't come up with a dozen more this week with big sissy not around to hog all the air space. And Miss P can talk and talk and talk. Lately, she just calls to talk--her mommy and daddy are going to find one heck of a minute plan when she gets older! One night we (I mean she) talked to me for over 25 minutes! The next night she called while I was at work and bent Pepa's ear for 31!! And it's all understandable conversation. And she's so animimated and emphatic. What a joy!!!! It's going to be an interesting week, to say the least.

I went to the doctor yesterday. I almost didn't. I thought my appointment was at 3:00. I couldn't find the card, but in my pea brain I was certain. At 10:15 yesterday morning, Beth calls me at work and tells me that they called from the doctor's office and my appointment had been for 9:00! I was sick. This doctor is wonderful and lots of people see her. Rescheduled appointments can be a month off. I called, ready to beg. The receptionist was so nice. They squeezed me in at 1:30. Thankful barely comes close to describing me! She says I look ok. She says sometimes it goes this way. She says she'll see me in another month. I trust her. I will feel better. I will.

There's a new song being chirped outside my window. It's as if God has hand delivered chipper to me this morning. I think I'll accept it and revel in the gift of this day. Hope you can, too.

Not Chipper

2007-08-16T20:29:00.000-04:00

I just read a fav's entry: all her answers were in two word sentences. It's the perfect description of how I feel and why I haven't posted lately.

I feel like crap. I have no energy. I just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. Sleep, that's where I do my writing. I actually dream about writing posts.

When I had my surgery on the 3rd, I was anticipating pain and bleeding. Pain was so minimal and bleeding was no big deal. Since then I have have had cramps everyday. They're not bad, just there, and I feel bad enough to not feel good. I am so drained and my appetite is out the roof. I don't like this one bit and I want it to be better. Yesterday.

And I'm so irritable I don't like myself--and that doesn't even begin to describe how much other people are getting on my nerves. I like this even less than the pain.

Nothing has happened with the house, except our finances for some reason seem horribly bleak so I can't even imagine putting in a bid. Work has been tedious and frustrating. This is a teaching week for me and I'm not experiencing my usual joy with that. (Insert HUGE tired sigh.)

Highlights: Asher. Just writing his name makes me smile. He's become quite the chatterbox, extremely emphatic with his "words." And I'm quite excited to have Penelope coming for a week to visit! I'll be going to get her tomorrow.

Well, I'm off to Curves. Perhaps I'll be able to shake loose a few dolphins (endorphins) and feel a wee bit better.

TTFN

Sigh

2007-08-04T14:56:00.001-04:00

I'm in love.

Nelson and I went and looked at a house today.Here it is: http://www.cbward.com/listings/detail.php?lid=19731630&limit=0&offset=75&&&posc=89&post=184&cfq=limit%3D25%26pricemax%3D999999999%26radarea%3D0%26searchtype%3D1%26cidonly%3D1%26SRSearchDate%3D1186252601%26SRRecordCount%3D184%26SRPageCount%3D8%26SRPage%3D4

It is beyond gorgeous. On the first floor there is a living room, formal dining room, butler's pantry, pantry, back porch with laundry, kitchen, another eating area, a parlor, and a half bath. The wood work is phenominal. There are pocket doors all over and the windows and built ins outstanding.

The basement is never ending. It is dry. There are four areas down there.
On the second floor there is a small bedroom, a 3/4 bath (shower only), a master suite (full bath, bedroom with built in book shelves, a sitting room with a fireplace and french doors opening to a balcony over the huge front porch), and two nice bedrooms--all with hardwood floors.

The third floor is finished with two rooms. One was used as a bedroom and has a closet and built in dresser. The other room was a TV room.

There are several flower beds around the house with mature plants and shrubs. The back yard is fenced. There is a three car garage with a second floor the current owners were thinking about turning into an apartment for housing grad students.

From the time the house was built in 1896 until 1997 there were only three owners. It is decorated to period. NONE of the wood work is painted. I could move in today and not do anything to it.

I want it. It means we would have to stay here instead of moving to Arizona. It's the kind of gem you just don't find anymore. Nelson was already talking about how we could go to auctions and fill it. It is what I have always dreamed of.

Darn it all if we didn't just sign a year lease here. We laughed at how Asher could go hide and we might not find him for a few hours. We'd have to get pretty good at "Marco Polo."

We're going to pray about it. God is going to have to make this really clear to us. Nelson said, "What if someone else buys it before we get that clear sign from God?" I told him that would be a really, really clear sign. ")

I would just have to plant some lilacs to make it truly perfect.

I'm Home

2007-08-03T14:30:00.000-04:00

And I'm fine. I really think I could have gone back to work and with some of the things going on I think I should have. Sigh.

I walked to the hospital this morning. I would have worked out at Curves, but our town is insane. All summer they have been resurfacing the main streets. It has been a mess. Traffic has been horribly knotted up. Yesterday they started on the main drag where Curves is and I honestly just didn't want to mess with the traffic. So instead of waking Beth up to give me a ride, I let her and Asher sleep and walked. It took me about 20 minutes.

I was whisked straight to out-patient surgery as soon as I was checked in. My nurse was a dear. My sticks went in perfect. My anestesiologist (sp?) was quite nice and spoke really fast. I met briefly with the doc. I really like her. I was rolled over to surgery. The gas doc said to breath deep and the next thing I knew I woke up in recovery. I was there about 20 minutes and moved back to my original room where I immediately needed to pee. I was home before 1:00. On a scale of 1-10 my pain is at a .5 and though I was given perscriptions for 800mg Motrin and Vicadin, I just took an Alieve. Beth assured me that if I wanted some spending money I could sell the Vicadin. I laughed and told her no thanks!!!! We both laughed.

I'm not supposed to drive or shower for 24 hours and have to wait 2 weeks for well, you know, until I see my doc. I can go back to Curves on Monday. My original nurse said that my quick wake up was probably due to be in such good shape. That made me feel good!

So, I'm going to rest for today. An iced coffee sure would be nice!

TTFN

Finally Friday

2007-07-27T17:54:00.000-04:00

I didn't think it was ever going to get here...but it did. Today at 3:15 I met with the doctor to discuss the results of the biopsy I had done last week.

The very best news is that it was not cancer. Hugest of sigh of relief!!!!!

Next Friday morning I am having a endometrial ablation. This is to "fix" the problem of heavy bleeding and irregular cycles. According to the doctor, 50% of all women who have this procedure never have another period. I made her repeat that. Wow! 45% experience only light periods. And the remaining 5% observe no positive results from the procedure and have to have a hysterectomy. I want to be in the 50% group!

I'm just very relieved tonight. So is Nelson. I think I'll sleep well tonight.

I hope I do because tomorrow I work at Curves in the morning and then I'm driving to Annie's (about 2 1/2 hours). I'll spend the afternoon and evening spoiling my two other grandsweeties. I wish you could hear Pnel talk---she's the maturist sounding 3 1/2 yr old around! I have to show up with ice cream and a Pony (as in My Little Pony).

On Sunday then, I'm going to drive over to Ft. Wayne to visit with my friend who just graduated from seminary and took her first church. I'm taking some music along for church...and maybe my guitar. We'll have lunch and catch up before I'll head back home.

It'll be a full weekend, but I think my spirit will be blessed and I'm sure to bring home lots and lots of smiles!!!!

Hope there's some smiles in your weekend, too!

Feet Up

2007-07-22T18:22:00.001-04:00

I'm really enjoying my weekends. Sundays especially. It's so good to relax.

There has been a lot of stress at work lately. I think it's going to get better.

Health issues have arisen. I had the ultrasound on 7/10 and the in-office biopsy on 7/17. I will get the results on 7/27. My uterine wall is twice as thick as it should be. Could be nothing. Or...Have I ever mentioned how I loathe waiting?

I had a flat tire on the way to work last Monday AM. On my way to open the Curves club at 5:10AM. Luckily Nelson was able to hear the phone ring. He got me to work and the car to the tire place and I was only about 10minutes late.

Saturday was pleasant. I worked out early. Nelson took Asher to a family reunion where he met up with his parents and with Annie and the kids. Beth and I shopped and had lunch together. I also visited the book sale at the library. I came away with a couple of bags of books for next to nothing. I love that! I got a couple Robert Fulghum books. I really enjoy his stuff. Thought provoking humor. I got a few novels, a huge light cookbook (for Nelson), a book on menopause and women's health, and two Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus books (recommended for Beth and Ron by my mom :).....)

Today Nelson and I brought snacks for Sunday School. We cut up fruit and made my sister's yummy fruit dip (equal parts of cream cheese and marshmallow whip seasoned with cinnamon). You would have thought we brought pure gold. Everyone loved them. And of course there was way to much so we'll be enjoying some for a few days. Then Nelson and I sang in church. I love singing with my husband. We picked a couple short songs that we used to do when we were providing music for revivals back in the early 80's. It was fun and very well received.

So, Sundays are just good days for games on the Palm, reading, generally vegging on the front porch wicker. Right now Beth, Ron, and Nelson are watching a couple suspense movies. I'll pass.

I'll save my TV time for Next Food Network Star later.

I think there's an iced coffee calling my name, so please excuse me while I hunt it down and put my feet up again.

May there be moments of pure refreshing in your day today!

Terrible News

2007-07-20T22:02:00.000-04:00

I got a call from a concerned former co-worker. This person was terribly concerned for me.
This person started by asking if I was ok. Their concern began to concern me.

Turns out that Nelson and I are getting a divorce. We had a fight. He left without saying anything in the middle of the night. And now we're getting a divorce.

This was very shocking and surprising to me.

I called Nelson to check on how we are. Turns out: it was news to him too. Can you believe it? We're getting a divorce and no one told us. I didn't think it worked that way, but I guess when someone decides to meddle and spread rumors because their life is so dull that's what happens.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted. I just wish there was a way to choose who can read blog postings. I enjoy the whole process of meeting new people through this medium, but I'm really tired of the way one person and their vindictive meddling can take something that has been so positive and turn it into something so distasteful and negative.

Auto Pilot

2007-07-17T10:39:00.001-04:00

Have you ever headed out the door and flipped the auto pilot switch on inadvertently, only to find yourself not where you need to be? I take this one path each time I go to Curves to workout or work. This morning I was also taking it to go to the factory to lead devotions. Fortunately, I “woke” up before I went beyond my intended destination.

This started me thinking about moving about life on auto pilot. I imagine we all do it. We get lulled into patterns of familiar behavior that we slip into when we’re not paying attention. We also revert back into those patterns when things get difficult, confusing, or painful.

I work within the portion of the population that has committed some kind of crime. Life has become very difficult for them. Most of them are trying to get their lives turned around, but when things get tough it’s just easier, or at least more natural, for them to revert to familiar behavior. The technical term is recidivism.

So there I was just about to miss my turn and God got me to thinking about returning to the familiar. And I was immediately reminded of Peter and the gang. Most of them were fishing when Jesus called them. It’s what they knew and they were pretty good at it. But Jesus invited them to a new way of life, of thinking; new patterns of behavior: following him.

What is amazing to me was the willingness that the disciples demonstrated in leaving behind their “familiar” to follow Jesus. Their patterns were deeply entrenched in their psyches. Their families had been fishermen for generations. This wasn’t a fad. This was in the fabric of their being. But they walked away from it and followed after Jesus.

Peter and the other fishermen really dove into what Jesus called them to. They gave their lives for this. They believed in the message. They got charged by the miracles. They really liked it when he “gave it” to the Pharisees and Romans. I think that’s why when Jesus was crucified they crashed emotionally. I believe they felt betrayed. Imagine how foolish they felt. They would have had to, look at what they gave up to follow Jesus!

So it’s not too surprising to me that they were found in the fishing boats by Jesus that morning after the resurrection. It was natural for them to return to what was familiar. They had been good at fishing and when the Jesus thing didn’t seem to be turning out the way they had hoped---well, pass the net.

It makes me smile to picture their faces as they were coming to shore and they spied someone there tending a fire. It sure looked like Jesus, but come on, there was no way! But the closer they got, the more impossible it was to doubt it. It was Jesus and breakfast was served.

The scriptures record a conversation between Jesus and Peter that I believe the other disciples “overheard.” They didn’t want to look like they were listening because it really sounded like Peter was being scolded and no one else wanted to line up for that. But they still listened.
Scholars and layman alike have taken a stab at why Jesus grilled Peter the way he did that morning. Here’s my take on it. Jesus understood why Peter went back to fishing, but he needed to move Peter beyond the grip of the familiar if he was ever going to live out the life Jesus was offering to him. So asks Peter a question—three times.

I imagine the first time the question was posed Peter answered it, almost robotically, automatically. Of course he loved Jesus. Then Jesus pointed him the direction of the unfamiliar. Again, Jesus asks, and possibly confused, Peter responds the same. Then move away from what is familiar and trust me with what you do not understand. Simple enough. But Jesus must sense that Peter’s hand is still way too close to that auto-pilot button and he asks Peter again. In order to answer this time Peter must throw up his hands in frustration—and then he gets it.

Jesus’ quasi-cryptic questioning finally achieves the desired result. Peter’s defenses have finally been broken through. He understands and never looks back. You wonder why Peter could stand so boldly on Pentecost. Ever question Peter’s ability to sing while he was in jail? That morning there on the beach Jesus finally was able to move Peter from his bent toward the familiar into the fullness of serving Him.

Now, that’s not to say Peter always got it. There was that dream sequence at Cornelius’ house where Jesus had to break through those old theories on what was clean and unclean. And that run in with Paul later in Jerusalem. Still, Peter was much more able to move past those things into the place where God was going to lead him, even to the humiliating death he endured.

So I guess the question that begs to be asked is how are you doing facing the uncertain challenges in your faith journey? How close is your hand to flipping that auto-pilot button? You’re being invited to something more. Will you leave the nets, or whatever your “familiar” is and feed His sheep, or whatever He is calling you to do? It might be messy, but it’s so incredibly worth it! Paul caught on to the process and in his letter to the Romans: “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"(Romans 8:15, The Message).

It’s time to move forward from the familiar and ask God what is next. It’s a little scary, but oh what an adventure!

Simple Thoughts

2007-07-07T08:38:00.001-04:00

Have I ever mentioned I am low maintenance? I am.
I don't color my hair anymore.
I don't use multiple hair products to style my hair.
It takes me two minutes to dry and style my hair.
I don't wear any makeup. None. I'm thinking (due to lots of reading) that I should probably consider a light foundation with some level of SPF just to protect my skin.
I don't even own makeup. None.
I have never gotten my nails done. The only nail product I own is a bottle of Sally Hanson tough nails because my have a tendency to crack way down on the sides and to file or trim them there would be excessively painful.
I have less than 10 pairs of earrings.
I have about 8 necklaces.
I have more rings, 12 if I counted right.
I buy most of my clothes at Good Will. Last Sunday I wore a new outfit: a skirt and shortsleeve jacket. It's a light corally pink gingham seersucker--I love it! One of the more well to do ladies in our class leaned over and told me she loved it, it was so cute, where did I get it? She just didn't know what to do with my answer. (giggles)
I just decided that my hub has it pretty easy.
What are my indulgences?
I love flavored coffee. I want some now.
I am a bookaholic, but I have gotten much better about that. I ask for gift cards for birthday and Christmas so other people feed my habit!
I like good smelling shower lotions/cleansers. Right now my fav is by Dove. It's a creamy pro-age product. Yum.
Good food. Fresh fruits and veggies. Eating healthy and yummy--it's a passion!
Yup...I'm a low maintenance girl!
********************************************************************************
This weekend is our town's Balloon Festival. Nelson, Beth, Ron, Asher and I went last night to see the lift off and balloon glow. It was quite beautiful. We all arrived differently. Nelson drove because his ankle is extremely sore right now. Beth and Ron rode bikes. Asher was pushed in his stroller--by me. I walked.

As we sat there oohin and ahhing, we decided that this is what we would do for Nelson's 50th birthday next year. He has always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon. He loaths (capitalized and said most emphatically) birthday parties. So we're going to pool our resources (the girls and I) and get him a sunrise flight for his birthday. I'm quite excited about that! And I have to wait till next May! (more giggles)

This morning while I caught up on my internet time, I could hear the balloons floating overhead, their hot air bursts breaking the quiet morning around me. It was such a powerful but peaceful sound. For a brief moment I thought I might even consider taking flight with my hub. But a quick search of the internet woke me up to the reality of cost and my very real fear of heights--which is really a fear of falling, which is really a fear of the pain of landing....(shakes head at silliness of self). Perhaps I'll just hold the champaign for when he lands!

Time to get ready to go shopping. Beth, Asher and I are going to hunt down some garage sale goodies!

De-stressing

2007-07-04T18:59:00.000-04:00

Purely lazy day.
And I've loved every minute of it.
I did not use my time wisely.
I revelled in doing absolutely nothing of consequence.
I am a sloth!

I read a couple different articles over the past week that link weight gain with stress--no duh. I gain weight when I get stressed because I am a stress eater. Tell me something new. Well, believe it or not: they did!

When a person is stressed a hormone is produced that essentially does two things. First, it increases your hunger: no wonder I'm a stress eater!!! This hormone overload also causes the belly fat to kick in to overdrive.

So today I thought a lot about kicking stress out of my life.
Actually, I contemplated ways to de-stress my distress. Here's what I mean. I believe that we are wired to take a certain amount of stress. Stress, not distress, becomes a motivator to grow, change, and improve. The problems come when we don't handle our stress in healthy ways and it shifts over into the realm of distress: stress overload that paralyzes us and causes us to react instead of acting in responsible and appropriate ways. When we get stuck in distress we make poor choices and poor choices lead to increased distress. It becomes a totally self-defeating process. In my classes I then teach ways to de-stress your distress.

In my slothful state today then, I began to examine my own life to see what distress I have allowed to crowd into my life. One of the major areas of over-stress is my working two jobs. I have been taking on more and more hours at the Curves job and at times have allowed myself to be taken advantage of by the manager when she needed someone to fill in. I will own that it has felt nice at times to be called and to be considered capable of closing the club by myself. I think my ego is over that now. I like the pocket money and the fact that I don't have to pay for my membership, but since I've started working I haven't lost any weight or inches and I'm wondering if it's due to the extra stress I've been experiencing? Perhaps it's time to quit. (insert huge sad sigh) Or, perhaps I just need to get better at establishing boundaries and limits. I'm not going to be any less a valuable employee if I learn to say no. In fact, I may be able to be an employee a lot longer if I do.

I like the way this feels. Hope I still feel that way when I talk to the manager about it.

Interesting

2007-06-28T08:44:00.001-04:00

I needed to sit with your responses for a while.
They aren’t what I expected.

When I said something about “permission to fall apart” my mind was referring back to the “permissions” of the previous post: permission to be colorful and permission to relax. What I was thinking about was about how I was falling apart physically and how it seemed to happen with the monumental turning of 50. But a deeper intent seems to have risen to the surface and cry out to be heard. And so I’m listening.

There has not been much permission in my life to “fall apart” emotionally. Emotions, pretty much, were denied by the individual and ignored by others. Thinking about that, I’m pretty sure that my sister’s “headaches” while real were a somatic cry to be heard. I replaced feeling with busy. So did you catch the irony? I finally feel like I have permission to relax and now I loose my emotion muffler (busy-ness). I’m so out of tune with my emotions that I write what I think is something about my physical being and you all hear my emotional cry regarding my need to fall apart emotionally.

Thanks for catching that. That’s the beauty of this process. That’s one of the main reasons I treasure it so very much…treasure you.

I want you to know that I really took in your messages. The initial shook of what the doctor explained to me has worn off. I’m thinking more clearly. It’s amazing how quickly I latched on to the worst case scenario. I guess the possibility has to be considered, but I am choosing not to dwell there. Most everything that she ordered, test-wise, is standard rule out stuff. We will get through this!

I’m glad the appointment was on Tuesday and not today. This morning Nelson left with a group to go on a mission trip with people from our church. They are headed to Chicago to work at an inner city mission. Nelson hasn’t been on a mission trip since 2000 when he went to Belize. I’m going to miss his cooking all weekend, but I’m so happy he got to go! And I’m happy he was here Tuesday to heap on his wonderful reassurance. Trust me, I know how blessed I am to have that man in my life!

Well, work is screaming. TTFN

Permission

2007-06-26T14:32:00.001-04:00

Permission to fall apart.
I just got back from the OB/GYN. Hadn’t had an annual check up since fall of 2003. Now I have a mammogram, bone density, blood work, and ultrasound scheduled. One week after the ultrasound I return to the office for a biopsy of sorts.

I stopped at the scheduling desk on my way out and got it all put on the calendar. It’s all rule out sort of stuff. Nothing is radically wrong…well except for this pesky spotting between periods which could very minor or the big C.

After I left the office I went straight out to Nelson’s work. Fortunately, he could take a couple minutes to reassure me. Oddly, though I’m a little concerned about the testing and possible results, the thing I’m most concerned about is the cost. He has insurance coverage, but things still cost. I needed his reassurance that I’m worth the cost.

I’m sure that sounds crazy, but a peek into my childhood explains the fear. When I was little I had four corrective eye surgeries. I overheard my parents discussing and “complaining” about the expense. They had to drag, I mean take, me over to Toledo almost every Saturday and that was more expense and a “waste” of time. My child ears, mind, and heart heard that I wasn’t worth it. I was a burden. Not a good message for a child to get.

I was just talking with Dan about it. I grew up battling the “worth” monster. At the agency I worked at BC I went three years without asking for even a cost of living raise. I told Dan not to get any ideas, I have healed a bit on that one! But worth is an issue and struggle for me.

Nelson smiled his cute reassuring smile and told me we would make it work and asked how I was. I’ll be ok. I just dealt better with permission to be colorful and relaxed than I am with permission to fall apart.

Lovin' It

2007-06-25T14:30:00.000-04:00

I have so many things I want to write about.

This past weekend I went to the Women of Faith Conference in Cleveland, Ohio. It was a powerful experience for me at a lot of different levels. I was tired and crampy (yeehaw), but I enjoy the fellowship of the group of women I was with that I sucked it up and soaked it in. I really enjoy the speakers of WOF, too. It was very interesting that on Friday night that several of the speaker and presenters made this statement: God has you in that seat for a purpose.

Right before the fun began in the arena I was chatting away with the woman sitting next to me. All of a sudden, she looked over my shoulder and greeted a woman from church who had come separately. It happened to be the woman who had led our group a year ago at church who we had the unfortunate non-fellowship experience. It’s kind of funny, I was going to put a link back to where I wrote about it originally and I couldn’t find it. I’m glad for that. Subsequent to the time, it’s safe to describe our interchanges as strained. Then right before vacation Dan asked me what had happened between me and her. He could only know there was something if she had been asking him about me. To say that I was uneasy and concerned is an understatement. So I look up and see this woman and God’s messengers tell me He put us side by side. God has an interesting sense of humor. More interesting to me was the fact that even though I had attempted some pleasantries, on Saturday morning she exchanged seats and moved out of the seat God had assigned. I’m still processing that one.

I’m noticing something quite nice. Now don’t laugh, not even a giggle! I am enjoying being 50. It reminds me a little of being in Arizona. Down there with the strong Hispanic influence there just seems to be blanket permission to be colorful. I love it! Being 50 is like having permission to slow down, permission to savor, permission to enjoy. That probably sounds weird to many of you, but I have been so incredibly driven all my adult life that this is radically different for me. And I like it!

And fiction. I know I’ve mentioned that I’ve been reading novels lately. I thought maybe it would end when I got back from Mom’s but I spent the most delightful couple of hours last evening sitting on my front porch (on the new pseudo-wicker furniture Nelson bought me—tan/natural with burgundy flowered cushions; settee, 2 chairs and a table) reading. I only came in because it got too dark to read. I actually found myself considering bringing out a candle.

I guess I’m just feeling relaxed and dare I say content. Never thought I’d get here, but I think I’ll book a room coz it’s really quite nice!

Back Home

2007-06-21T10:02:00.000-04:00

Total Scrabble games: 87
Score: Mom 43 Daisy 44
That's the closest we've been and the most games we've ever played!
Today I'm going through withdrawl.

Here are my notes from vacation:
Here's Tina laughing at herself:
-This morning woke up at 2:00am and Mother Nature was screaming in my ear. I threw my legs over the edge of the bed to hop up and CRASH! The momentary disorientation cleared and reality dawned: I was at Mom's not in the cozy confines of my Ohio bedroom. I had tried to get out of bed through the wall. Not always the best plan. Fortunately, I didn't pee myself making this discovery.

-I went to Curves to work out this morning. They have a very nice facility. The staff person was very helpful. I stepped up to my first machine and about threw my hip into the next county. Oh my! I didn't even think about how the machines my set for more fragile bone structures. I was working the glute machine and it was set so much more gently. I just busted out with laughter and kept right on working.

Am I really on vacation? I have already taken three calls from the factory, made one to TCompany, and called the office and the boss to get new equipment. I also had a call from an participant that I'm trying to find a job for. My life is never dull. And before you scold me....I want the packaging folks to call: they're still learning and I don't want them making mistakes. It also gives me continued opportunities to encourage them in their new leadership roles...and okay: it keeps me as the authority that they need to respect and turn to.

Now that last statement may need some clarification. It's not that I want or need anymore to be the "know it all." There was a time (BC--before crime) when it was very important to me and my twisted psyche that I was indispensable. That's not what I'm shooting for here.

The people I work with struggle with two issues (among others of course) in big ways: authority and responsibility. They don't accept the authority of those they should. There are multitudes of reasons why, including ingrained patterns of behavior that can justify any longer other than to say that it's always been that way. Another major reason is that when they were young the people who were supposed to be trusted authorities had the same two issues and they never were able to mold healthy patterns of response in their children. Unfortunately, these kids grow thinking the only person they can trust is themselves, but they're not even really sure about that because they know that their own track record of good decisions doesn't exist.

They need to learn to trust that the person in authority, me, is trustworthy and if in a critical time (like moving to a new facility) I drop off the radar screen then my credibility and their trust drop proportionately. So, the phone will stay on.

As for responsibility, think back to when you were an adolescent. Remember how you wanted all the privileges but none of the responsibility? You think you knew it all, and absolutely knew what was best--until there was a crisis and then it was back to Mom and Dad to bail you out. As adults this leads to poor choices in relationships and in spending time and money. Bad choices result in painful and costly consequences. But who's going to bail you out now? Typically there is no one, and who can you trust anyway? Those who might help always attach some string (like wanting the person to change the behavior that got them in the jam). It's a self-destructive cycle.

I went to the endocrinologist with Mom today. He took an hour with us. He was not happy that Mom's doctor had not sent over the results of her past bone density tests. He wants to run some more tests, but his first thought is that she doesn't have osteomalsia, even though she remembered quite probably having rickets as a child.

The good bad news is that he scheduled her for a 24 hour urine catch and we learned that what he had asked for would actually take two separate days so we will be housebound Sunday morning through Tuesday morning. I guess we'll just have to stay out of the hundred degree weather and play scrabble instead (insert extremely huge cheesy grin).

We did learn that there really isn't any value to taking a vitamin E supplement. Mom had been taking one everyday because they touted to be antioxidant and good for your heart. The doctor said that the recent studies had disproved this and in fact more harm might be done than good.

I also learned from Mom's sharing that she had not taken HRT and that may have contributed to her bone loss. So now how do you know whether HRT is good or bad? I was sort of hoping to be able to avoid it given the familial proclivity to cancer--now I don't know.

Tonight we're having marinated chicken breasts--and I'm cooking. What a hoot! Mom took me grocery shopping yesterday and bought me whatever I wanted. The strawberries look yum!

On Sat...
After a few games of scrabble, Mom and I went to Tubac. This is one of my favorite places. It's an artsy village. There are all kinds of shops. I got everyone's gifts there: t-shirts, rompers for the boys, a puzzle of the Grand Canyon, a mug. We ate lunch at the Tubac Culinary School's Presidio Cafe. Oh my! Mom had a wonderful salad and I had a pannini with grilled eggplant and some other incredible stuff. We finished up our day out with a stop at the Green Valley Nut Company where we bought the rest of the gifts.

In the evening I took a walk to the nearest Walgreens. I finished the Karen Kingsbury book Like Dandelion Dust. It was quite good. All the ladies in our WMS group really like her books. This was my first. I like her style too. I had combed through Mom's books and wasn't really in the mood for her mysteries. So my walk was for exercise, but also to see if I could find something else to read. I perused their Best Seller's display. I picked one up about a 50 year old woman who faced the whole struggle about "not being able to go home." I thought it might be a good read. Then I noticed one called A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. He wrote The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Message in a Bottle, plus a whole lot more I hadn't heard of. I thought I'd give it a try.

Sunday Morning Bright and Fair...
This morning I took an early walk. I had decided to forgo church this morning. I left the house at 6:05am. It was a beautiful morning. God must have kept the windows open because the airs was so fresh. And while it's been nearly 100 degrees everyday, this morning it was comfortable right between 70 and 80.

Several others were walking as well. Some had two legs while more had four. I was surprised this morning to see more men than women walking, too.

In addition to the crisp morning air and the breath-taking views of the mountains surrounding me, the birds raised their voices. The quail were sounding out their warning. (They always sound like there singing in a bucket to me.) As I walked past one bush a momma and her peep scurried out across the street to safety.

The song of the morning dove is so incredibly mournful. I can't decide whether it is more peaceful or sad. It's such a calming sound. Can you imagine being a baby dove, to be raised surrounded by such a peaceful sound. Mom cringes when I wax on about the beautiful song of the dove. She thinks they're dirty disgusting birds that are far too prolific and should be hunted. It's better for us to play scrabble than to talk about wildlife.

There were so many other chirps and twitters as I walked my three plus miles. There was the chatter of the blue jay. They're so intimidating. They sound so mean. I give them a wide birth. There were some little red headed ones the size of finches. They have a high pitched song. And of course there was the loud call of the crow.

As I walked I talked. First I said thank you to Julia Cameron, the writing guru. I found myself noticing all the bird sounds and using creative adjectives to describe them. In her book The Artist's Way (or something like that, really it's recommended in all her books) she stresses the creative importance of walking everyday and using that time to feed your thoughts and observation skills.

Then I talked with God. It was some sweet one on one time. I remembered ten years ago when I was here visiting Mom. One night as I laid my head on my pillow, I realized that in ten years I would be old enough to live in this age restricted community. And here I am ten years later, no longer dreading the arrival of fifty, but now wishing that I could live in a place like this..

As I walked I noticed several places that have for sale signs. I walked by a couple to see if they have flyers. I don't think I'll ever be able to live in Green Valley. The prices are so high. Tucson might be more realistic and the north side is so wonderfully nestled in the mountains that I think I could be comfortable there.

In my conversation with God, though, he made me aware that there was a deeper transition taking place in me. Each time I have come out here, I just feel a connection in the depths of my being. It's like I'm holding my breath when I'm in Ohio and only really able to breathe here. My thinking is different here, too. I don't feel rushed or pressured. It's like all these visits have been preparing me for slowing down. All the struggles of the past years have been the grist to shape me ready to live a life that is still productive, but very, very different.

I just reread that paragraph. I'm not sure I conveyed those thoughts very well. I'll work some more on that.

Monday.
I took Mom's urine catch to the lab.
I went to work out. It was rather serendipitous (don't you just love that word) that while I was there the owner came in. She had just purchased this Curves within the last year. So I asked her some of the questions I had that pertain to owning a Curves here in the Southwest.

After my workout at Curves I went to the library and spent some time on the computer. I was about an hour into reading and surfing when the electricity went out. There were some pretty upset people--I guess this has happened a couple times lately. I was thankful that I wasn't doing anything really important.

One thing that I accomplished before the lights went out was to begin final arrangements to meet with at cyber-friend during my layover at Dallas/Fort Worth on Wednesday on my way home. I posted on her diary that I had a 3 hour layover and wouldn't it be cool to meet. So we'll see.

Tuesday.
I go home tomorrow. It makes me sad to think about.
I am looking forward to a couple things. Tomorrow during my layover in Dallas/Fort Worth I am going to connect the Happy Wife of OpenDiary. This should be lots of fun!

This morning started out the same as many others:
I took Mom's urine catch to the lab.
I worked out at Curves.
I went to the library.
I came home and we dove into Scrabble-mania.

We decided to go to our favorite Hallmark store, to run by Curves so Mom could buy me a Green Valley Curves shirt, and then have lunch at a quaint little bistro right next to Curves. The bistro was a wonderful choice. We had two luscious salads! And then it was home to dive right back into Scrabble!

I had an interesting conversation with God this morning about the whole idea of moving here. As I drove past the beautiful homes with their enormous price tags, I felt a bit of sadness. There's just no way we'll be able to afford to live here. Not any way that I can imagine.

So maybe here is just about the visits. I know I can live comfortably in Ohio. I know how to do that. I'm a simple girl with simple tastes and simple needs. Just as that thought came to me, I past three high priced luxury cars. I don't know if I would fit in here.

I finished the Sparks book this morning. I really enjoyed it. I will be looking in the library for his other works. When I was at Walmart Sunday night getting some more salad greens I picked up the Susannah's Garden. So far it's a good read too. Go figure: me getting into fiction!

I got my hair cut. Did I mention that? I did that on Friday. It's cut short. I wasn't going to do that. I had decided that since I wasn't working in the factory I would try and let it grow. My girls had been encouraging me to let it grow and I knew Nelson would like that, but it was just getting too shaggy and looked unkempt. So I got it cut short. Pixy-like, almost boy cut. At first I wasn't sure, but I like it so much. There's almost no care to it. It's cute. And way cooler. The only draw back: I'm noticing quite a few more grays. Hmmmmm. Now I wonder if can stick to my no color resolve? Only time and my hairdresser will know..

VACATION!!!!!

2007-06-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

(Picture me doin' the happy dance...okay, perhaps that's not too pleasant a pic....just see me with the hugest of smiles!!!!!!!)

Tomorrow morning I'm rising at 4:15am. I'm getting picked up at 5:15am. My friend Pam and I are heading for Columbus Airport where she will leave me. I will be boarding a plane and flying to Dallas/Ft. Worth and then on to TUCSON where my mom will pick me up. We will have an entire week to ourselves to truly play scrabble til our eyes fall out!!!!

I will be checking in on you at the library so behave!
Hugs and Hershey's kisses to you all!!!!!

Deleting Negativity

2007-06-10T16:07:00.001-04:00

I have written several pieces but deleted them. It wasn't because they were not written well--there's a switch for me. There's been something gnawing at me, an unpleasant situation that has been troubling to me all week. I found out that a person had done something that caused my shame meter to read through the roof. It was pure malicious character assassignation.

I wanted to blast this person. Shame them the way they shamed me. My heart ached for vengence. To make matters worse I found out what this person had done through a friend who was afraid her own character was about to be maliciously attacked. So I was not only angry, I felt rising righteous indignation.

Not knowing, an internet friend that I greatly respect and appreciate posted a piece about holding one's tongue when facing the possibility of spreading negativity. I guess that's part of what kept me hitting the delet button.

Then this morning as we went to prayer in Sunday School, my Bible fell open to a very precious passage to me. When I was in jail this promise was given to me as an encouragement. This morning it seemed to reinforce that encouragement and remind me that the whole matter was in God's hands and He would and could handle it much better than I ever could.

Here's the passage:
"7 As for me, I look to the Lord for help.I wait confidently for God to save me,and my God will certainly hear me.8 Do not gloat over me, my enemies!For though I fall, I will rise again.Though I sit in darkness,the Lord will be my light.9 I will be patient as the Lord punishes me,for I have sinned against him.But after that, he will take up my caseand give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies.The Lord will bring me into the light,and I will see his righteousness.10 Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side.They will be ashamed that they taunted me." (Micah 7:7-10a, New Living Translation).

I knew I was being punished then because I knew I had done something wrong. I was willing to endure that punishment because I deserved it. The promise was that God would restore me. He still is doing that. Each day brings new experiences that reinforce that. Like this morning, as I was walking toward the sanctuary, the regular worship leader stopped me. She had her grandson on her hip and shared that she was having a really rough grandma morning. Would there be anyway I could just hop in and lead worship? Uh, sure. So I did. After service a man I highly respect came up to me and said, "You have a gift to lead worship. I don't know how we're going to use it, but we'll figure it out." Tears filled my eyes.

My nemisis will probably read this. She takes delight in reading my entries and then filling her day and the ears of my former co-workers with snide and nasty comments about me. Oh well. As far as I'm concerned she's in God's hands. He's promised to take up my case.

It's going to be much easier to hold my tongue when negative comments come a knocking!

Murphy Returns

2007-06-06T04:42:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday morning. I woke up at 3:40. I can't sleep. It's going to be a long day. They've all been long lately.

Monday, Murphy visited again, but got personal. I tried to keep my joy, but it wasn't easy. Early in the morning the Shipping and Receiving Team Leader reminded me that we didn't have any pallets. They were to come on the last truck run that was cancelled because of rain on Friday. I tossed him my car key and told him to run to the other plant, grab half a dozen and throw them in the back of my Mountaineer. He tossed the keys back and shared a different plan of taking materials off the ones there and using them. Life went on. Until I needed the key to run an errand. It was nowhere to be found.

I had four people tear the office apart--that's in addition to me. We scoured the work area and even opened up skids of packaged parts, just in case I set them down. That key was not willing to be found. I tried several times to get Nelson by cell, but he never turned his phone on. By the time I got someone at R Company to get a message to call me it was almost 2:00. I was counselled to call a dealer, give them my VIN# and they could get me a key. Good advice, except that would only work back to 98 and my car is a 97. (Insert weak smirky sort of smile)

Fortunately, we have AAA plus. They would send a locksmith and I would be covered for $50 of the cost to get him to make me a new key. Now I just needed Nelson to call back and tell me what to do. He called after 3:30. I call roadside service and the soonest the locksmith could be there was 6:30. Great. He's coming from about an hour away. If I use a local locksmith I loose the AAA benefit. So I sit and wait.

At first I waited in the building. I had my Palm with scrabble on it. I had a good book. I would be okay. At 6:00 I go out to the car, just in case he's early. I need to keep my cell at my side because he could call, but I'm down to one power bar and find out that my charger is broken. While I'm fiddling with that the sky opens up in an absolute delluge. I couldn't believe it. In that moment I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The locksmith arrived at 6:15. The rain stopped. He was a very nice man. In two hours he took apart my door panal and made me two keys. I was home by 8:15.

Yesterday at work my office Team Leader didn't show up. Her aunt finally called me around noon to tell me that M was in the ER. M called later in the day: she has a gall stone that needs to be surgically removed, but she has no insurance. They recommend that she go to Akron for the surgery.

At one point I needed some copies made. I lifted the lid to the copier and there at the side was my key. I thought I had tossed it into my purse, tore my purse apart several times. I guess it knew it needed to be copied. Funny thing is that several of us made copies on Monday and never saw it.

Last night I worked at Curves. Afterwards I went out with the manager and owners and had a really nice time. Being with them just made me want to buy a Curves ten times more than before.

Today is a ten hour day in the factory. I got up way too early for that. I think I'll be ready for bed tonight. Now it's time to get ready to go work out. I feel a little like the guy in the old Dunkin Donuts commercial: Time to make the donuts. (Watch me trudge out almost robotically.)

A couple of weeks ago during breakfast with my prayer partner, she shared a piece of wisdom with me that had been recommended to her: Don't let anyone steal your weather. That's my challenge today. Don't let anyone or anything steal yours!

Moving Day

2007-06-01T19:57:00.000-04:00

I just drank my supper. No, it wasn't one of those tasteless protein shakes. For some reason the only thing I wanted for supper was a rootbeer float. So Nelson stopped at our local rootbeer stand and got me one. It was lalicious.

I think that the reason that I wasn't hungry is that I am absolutely exhausted. Today was moving day. We had planned to move our entire packaging program to our new site today. Planned, aka hoped. Unfortunately, Murphy came to dwell among us. Fortuneately, we were able to keep going in spite of all his attempts at defeat.

First thing this morning, the trucking firm that we going to be using to transport parts from the factory where they are manufactured (and where we were) showed up with a 16' truck. We had opted to go with them and their 24' truck because, though it was smaller, we were assured that we could drive a forklift onto the truck and since the price was comparable to the company with the full size semi, we went with the smaller company to build our new relationship. The 16' foot truck they came with held very few pallets and we had to load it with a handcart.

While this was going on, I was trying to reach Dan. He had gone to a community-wide ministerial breakfast. I was under the impression that he would be there shortly after 8AM. He didn't leave the breakfast until after 9AM. When he got to the place where he was going to pick up a second moving truck (smaller but free---we were going to use it to move furniture) they informed him that the truck was in the shop getting new brakes. They were completely unapologetic about it, also. So Dan went and borrowed a pickup which we used to move several loads.

The transport company then decided to switch to a "flatbed" truck. I agreed to that thinking that they were going to bring a full-sized flat bed semi. Nope. They showed up with a 24' flatbed. My shipping and receiving (aka tow motor driver) team leader was a little leery but loaded the flatbed anyway. He only almost fell off once. (insert rolling of the eyes, a sigh, and the wonderment of whether anything else could go wrong).

We stopped for a short lunch break: let's hear it for $5 Little Ceasar's Pizza! We were back to moving. The transport company was balking at the number of loads it looked we were going to need to complete the job so we agreed on two more loads and then calling a day. I then went and scheduled a semi for at least two trips on Monday!

But wait, Murphy wasn't done! We got the first of the two loads transferred and the skies opened up and dumped an enormous storm on us. I cancelled the second load--you can't transport cardboard and auto parts in the rain. Then I told the crew to come on over to the new building and we would use the balance of the day to get set up for work on Monday.

I honestly believe that Cinderella's children are alive and well and living in Atown. The very mention, the very inkling, the very thought of 3:30PM and they are ready to bolt out the door. (insert shaking of the head and a heavy sigh) I was flat-out running through both plants trying to get the work done. If I wasn't running I was speed walking. No one keeps up with me. I lifted tables, file cabinets, and countless boxes. I was a filthy grub. The only thing I didn't do was break a nail! No one would guess that I am 50 watching me work. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just pointing out that I worked my butt off and even though I was spent, I was ready to work until the job was done. Only one person offered to stay but they needed to run a quick errand (to see a PO) and then they'd be back. We were close enough so I closed up for the day.

Next week I'll be working in the factory everday, all day, making sure that we're on track and doing things appropriately. This new facility is amazing. We have two-thirds more room. Everything we need is centrally located (bathrooms, break room, office, and drinking fountain). We're on the ground floor, but it's cool like being in the basement. The air is cleaner and it's way quieter. Being there is going to be such a blessing.

I will sleep well tonight. I may take some advil before I fall into bed. I have to work at Curves tomorrow. I hope I can move in the morning.

I just read back through this. I feel the need to add just a couple more things. This morning in our devotion I asked them what their fear was/is. Then I read Joshua 1:6-9: 6 "Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

We were strong and courageous. And it was a powerful image to keep in mind that no matter where we were/are God is with us! Each time Murphy popped up, we reminded ourselves that God was greater! Even though they didn't want to hang around and work as long as I would have liked, this crew did work well together and everyone worked. I was pleased by that.

So in the end today...I stole home! Take that Murphy!

Stealing Home

2007-05-31T08:59:00.000-04:00

I was watching ESPN's Sports Center this morning before heading out to work. One of the top plays was something I had never seen before: a guy stole home. I just stood in the living room, my mouth hanging open. It was an awesome play!

Nelson laughed at me a bit because I just kept repeating how amazing I thought it was. That takes a lot of guts to steal home. The pitcher is closer to home plate than the runner. He starts to run and the catcher hops up to let the pitcher know. The throw is close.. The ump in his animated fashion signals the runner safe. The catcher is incensed. The runner trots off to the dugout like it was no big thing. I'm standing in my living room with my mouth hanging open.

It didn't take long for me to start to see multiple spiritual implications to this outstanding baseball feat. Stealing home takes absolute fearlessness. You have to run quick and hard. You have to be ready for a horrible crash with the catcher, which most like result in more than one bruise (or at least it would for me). Isn't this the type of determination that is required to live by faith? John writes that perfect love leaves no room for fear.

I was so moved by this story that I used it in my devotions this morning with the packaging crew. I linked it with Philippians 4:4-9: Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is near. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and heard from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you.

I read those verses and I picture the runner with his head down running full out for home. Every move infused with intensity and determination. There is no hint of fear. There is looking to the left or right. That runner received the instruction from the coach and went for it with his entire being. Can we do any less?

Well, of course we can...and we often do. The almost laughable thing then is that we wonder why we are so easily thrown out of the game. Perhaps it has something to do with our stinkin' thinkin'. Perhaps it has something to do with our enormous worry and need to be in control. Perhaps it something to do with stubborn independent streak that keeps us from bringing our needs to our loving heavenly Father. Simply put, our choices will trip us up as we run the bases of life. The only thing we can control is the way we choose to run.

I'm going flat out. How about you?

Telling Stories

2007-05-30T05:22:00.000-04:00

Coming to love your own life requires you to believe that the past is God's will...ultimately written for both his glory and your participation in his redemption...He uses pain and brokenness, just as he uses shalom. (To Be Told, p. 126)

A good editor draws out what is not said in order to give life to what was aborted before it saw the light of day. We need friends who will name what is unnamed in our story, so that the truth is told. A good editor also helps to ensure that we don't edit out the truth. And a good editor helps us consider the implications of what our story tells us about ourselves. (To Be Told, p. 133)

My story will compel me to plead, shout, and cry at God's injustice, lethargy, and disregard. But in the mddle of my rage, I can't help but wonder at what kind of God would bear my contempt and not retaliate. How could he dure my haggling, let alone alter his plan to coincide with mine? In the face of such inconceivable grace, I can't help but fall at his feet with incredulity. The Almighty, Sovereign, Cator God is also the most humble Being we will ever know. And engaging in naked prayer with our humble God humbles us. But what hubles us most is the enormity of his love for us.
It is in surrendered silence that God speaks love. It is when I have brought to him the shredded strands of my story--when I am ashamed, angry, defiant, and afraid--that he calls me to hear what can be written but can't be explained. He speaks love. (To Be Told, p. 180, 181)

When I think of fasting, I would define it as abstaining from anything that fills the space inside us that God longs to occupy. Any idols can fodder for fasting: TV, e-mail, food. The heart of a fast is stepping back from life as it is and conceiving life as it could be. Heather Webb (To Be Told, p. 183)

I just finished reading Dan Allender's book, "To Be Told." I have quoted it a couple of times in earlier posts. I pulled the book back off my shelf to finish it in an attempt to get back on track with writing my story.

I sat with my fingers poised on the keyboard for several minutes, waiting for something to come out. I listened to my family, playing downstairs with Asher. I heard Nelson talking with Ron about the basketball and baseball game and wanted to rush down and add a tidbit to the conversation that I had heard on ESPN. Beth was trying to fix supper and Asher was growing impatient. I could rush down and rescue her...and him from her wrath. But I glued my butt to the chair. I need to be here.

Telling my story. That reminded me of the early days of June 1989. I had completed an introductory course in CPO (Clinical Pastoral Orientation) at seminary in Kansas City. I loved it. I decided that I needed to go further and applied for the summer CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) unit being offered at the same hospital. I was accepted--chosen. I was really excited.

One of the first things the group of chaplains did was meet at the SIT (supervisor in training) house for a get acquainted session. Our first task was to tell our story, as a way of introducing ourselves and getting our "stuff" out there. In typical Daisymarie fashion: I offered to go first. I told my story chronologically, plodding through the many moves I made during my childhood and early adulthood. I lifted out the salient lessons of each place. I thought I did I okay. Oddly, the group pointed out that there were very few pieces of my childhood and that there was a real disconnection. Later I likened it to beads on a string: they were connected by a thread that was unseen, but separated from each other--barely touching each other.

I listened as the others (there were six of us in the group) told there stories. In my mind I graded them. I felt good about my presentation until the last young woman presented her story. She was a violinist. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do in ministry, wasn't really sure why she was in seminary at all. She was quite thin and petite. She seemed to totally captivate the SIT. I was totally jealous of her ease and grace. She told her story in third person. It was so connected, but somehow separated from her, as if it was something she looked at but not who she was. She held it like a fine porceline doll, that you could admire but never play with for fear of breaking it. I envied her style. I envied her story. I knew we would never be friends. She represented so many things I wanted to be, but knew I couldn't be.

That was my first experience telling my story. Or so I thought. Not long ago, I was going through old files and I found a paper I had written for a college psychology course. It was crude and poorly written, but it was again a retelling my story. I had forgotten all about it. The thing that jumped out at me the most was how much that telling was repeated in the later CPE experience. So in a paper written when I was about 19 I lifted up themes and feelings that were echoed in the story of a a 32 year old. I grieved, and I grieve the wasted opportunity to reflect and grow. I grieved the lost connections.

Now here I sit at 50 and I realize that I'm needing to understand that story. My story needs understood and shared because what I have experienced has a purpose. I need to learn how to tell it, because it is not just my story, but God's story, too.

Write Now

2007-05-28T10:00:00.001-04:00

I need to write. I sat in the office today and tried to write and it just didn't work.

RIght now I'm on the porch with my Palm TX and portable keyboard. It is so nice to be outside. My brain feels so much freer than sittng at the desk in the office.

This morning in Sunday School our teacher, one of my favoritest in the universe professors, concluded his series on the great theologians with Henri Nouwen. Wow! I was so moved--tears flowed freely during the closing prayer.

Several things jumped out at me. First, Nouwen wrote at least 40 books. Interestingly, they're all small. If you're unfamiliar with Nouwen, he was a Catholic priest who studied psychology at Menninger in Kansas and was the first to teach abnormal psychology at Notre Dame University. He also taught at Yale and Harvard. He resigned from each position. That in itself is unheard of! He was amazingly learned, degreed, and highly respected, but his books present extremely deep thoughts in ways that the average person can grasp and not in overwhelming volumes or tomes. That spoke volumes to me about some of the "blocks" I've thrown up for writing: I could never write anything substantial (aka long). Nouwen worked from the Greek philosophical principle that big books are boring.

Another thing that moved from the life of Nouwen was the whole "wounded healer" concept. Nouwen was so beloved by his students and friends, but he was extremely wounded and he ministered out of his woundedness. It was his time at Daybreak where he rerally appears to have found his niche. This is something I need to dig more deeply on, especially as it applies to my current ministry setting.

Finally, Dr. Flora brought a copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal" and told us about Nouwen's experience in Russia with the painting. I want the book. I want the painting. I want to be able to look so deeply into things. What has kept me from depth? I feel like I have lived my life in the shallow end of the pool. I look at the people that I admire and respect the most and they are the people who think deeply, live deeply, love deeply. Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to people of passioon. But why not me?

At the point when Dr. Flora mentiooned that Nouwen wrote 40 books before he died Nelson leaned over to me and told me I better get started. He really believes that I have something to say. I think I believe it, too. So why don't I?

I tried to blame not writing on not having enough time. Lame. I waste so much time. That's why I came out on the porch to write now. I'm sick of watching TV. I don't want to read more of what other people write--I want to write!

I have tried to usse the excuse that I don't have enough to say. Lamer. I write two devotional guides and a couple blog/journal entries a week. I teach several classes a week. I coach people daily and encourage them in their faith and their work. Nelson would be the first to tell you that I have a lot to say. So why not write it? And I can't hide behind the can't wrrite a big enough book excuse either--say it, say it well, and move on. Big books are good door stops.

I am without excuse. I am also without direction. I am without guidance. Do I need a mentor? Do I need to take a class? Do I just need a swift kick in the seat?

A couple years ago I bought a copy of that year's "Writer's Market Guide." It might even have been a Christian Writers version. At the time I just wanted to try my hand at getting a few of my devotions published. I wonder where that is? I should probably check a more recent copy out of the library.

I need to write. I want to write. At Curves when we're signing up a new member we ask them how long they've been thinking about starting with Curves. Then on their form we write (it's actually part of the script): It's time to stop thinking and get started!

It really is!